INTERMISSION (5)
Still on the hills of the 'Monty Python' set…
(Dave and Alex are roaming the hills of 'ancient' England. They've been wandering for so long that they're not even sure if they've been walking in circles or not. They stop on one hill.)
DAVE: Are we walking around in circles?
ALEX: I'm not sure. (pauses, looks around and straightens up) Look, there's a castle up there. Let's go see if there's anyone there who can help us.
DAVE: Oki doki.
(They walk up a steep incline to find that there's a man at the top of the lookout tower.)
DAVE: Who's that?
ALEX: Let's ask. (calling up to the man) Hello? Can you hear me?
MAN: (leans over and speaks with an outrageous accent) 'Allo. Who is eet?
ALEX: Uh, we're just travelers looking for our… uh… booth. A big box like thing. Can I ask? Whose castle is this?
MAN: Thees is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. *pronounced gwee de lwambard*
DAVE: (whispering to Alex) Why does he talk like that?
ALEX: Could you go to your master and ask him if he could help us search for our… booth?
MAN: Well, I'll ask heem, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ALEX: What?!
DAVE: He says he's already got one.
ALEX: (looks confusedly annoyed at Dave, then calls back to the man) Are you sure he's got one?
MAN: Oh yes. Eet's very nice. (man turns to his buddies and whispers) I told him we already got one!
FRIENDS: (giggle)
ALEX: (looking still confused) Can we come up and see it?
MAN: Of course not, you are American types… and I saw you with those English types.
ALEX: But what are you, then?
MAN: (becoming outraged) I'm French! Why do you tink I have thees outrageous accent, you silly boy.
DAVE: (calls up) What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business!
DAVE: (looks pouty because he was put down)
ALEX: If you won't show us, we'll have to barge in!
MAN: You don't frighten us, American pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called traveler, you and your silly sid-a-kick. (blows a raspberry at them tauntingly)
DAVE: What a strange guy.
ALEX: Look here, you!
MAN: (interrupting) I don' want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
DAVE: Is there anyone else there we can talk to?
MAN: No. now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
ALEX: Now listen! We just want to look, and we've been polite—
MAN: (ordering his friends) Fetchez la vache.
FRIEND: Quoi?
MAN: Fetchez la vache!
FRIENDS: (go down and immediately grab a cow and bring it to the man up top)
ALEX: If you won't let us up there…
(Cow is launched over the wall at them, mooing with fright)
ALEX: Holy shit!
(Cow lands on Dave, but he's OK… unfortunately… just kidding)
MAN: (looks pleased with himself)
ALEX: We either bust in and find the booth – (helps Dave up) – or we run away before they shoot something else at us.
DAVE: I think we should bust in.
ALEX: (sighing) I thought you were gonna say that. Alright, let's go!
(The both of them begin to run at the castle… and various farm animals are suddenly launched at them.)
MAN: (throwing a duck at them) Thees one is for your mother!
ALEX: (barely dodging out of the way of a flying sheep) Run away!! Run away!!
(Alex and Dave run as fast as they can away from the castle heading back towards the forest in fear. The flying animals are still trailing them and even begin chasing after them on their own. Dave looks about to wet himself from fright.)
----
Back in the twisted mind of the writer…
(May leads the fearful group through the dark tunnels of Kelly's mind. The flashlights dart around, lighting various names, quotes, and movies, hearing various things spouting from them. Shelly – still pouting from being dragged out of the beautiful Moulin Rouge room – follows forlornly behind the group, flashlight dragging hopelessly along the floor. Chrissy looks paranoid, but no one is as frightened as Ewan, who looks about to shed his skin.)
MAY: Maybe it was a bad idea to try and fish her out of here…
CHRISSY: I agree totally.
(A sign floats by that reads 'Eric Idle' and it's singing 'I Like Chinese.')
MAY: (turns around at the sign and yells) I hate that song!!! Stop singing!! (whips out her water pistol and squirts it violently)
SIGN: (disappears with a *poof!*)
CHRISSY: (blink) Uh… are you sure that was a good idea? You may have just erased her memory of Eric Idle completely.
MAY: (glare) I don't care. Just so long as she doesn't remember that damn song!
EWAN: (whimper)
SHELLY: But what about Kelly? She's got a play to finish and she can't exactly do that in her current state of mind.
MAY: (stops in her tracks and looks like she's had a revelation) Wait a second… That's it!!
OTHERS: ……… Huh?
MAY: Follow me to her 'State of Mind'! (runs like a bat out of hell)
OTHERS: (follow suit)
