Title: Another Shakespeare Parody

Author: Tabitha Wexley (Kelly)

Warnings: May get EXTREMELY weird, silly, and quite outrageous at times throughout the play. Harsh language, threat to bodily harm, and mild violence used. No lifeguard on duty. Proceed at your own risk.

Disclaimers: Now, here comes the climax of this little trip; the tallest part of this roller coaster; the height of action…… FWAP!!

               Our most sincere apologies. Those responsible for writing the disclaimers have just been sacked (fired).

               *ahem* OK. This should be the most fun of all the acts so far. A few special surprises turn up here and there, so keep an eye out for them. In fact, keep an eye out for the majestic moose on the side of your screen during the second and third scenes…… THWACK!!

               Again, we apologize for the idiocy at work here. Those responsible for taking over for the people who have recently been sacked have just been sacked.

               Rightyo. What they meant to say was that this act should be the best so far and that we hope you enjoy it. Thanks for your time… and now for the boogie with Ralph the Wonder Llama!!

               (heeheehee)

(One of Shelly's Chibi Ewans pops up from the trap door in the stage with a picket sign reading the act, then looks left and right and disappears below the door again. Several shouts from the cast members are heard regarding 'What the hell was that?' and similar.)

ACT IV, Scene 1

----A room in the castle.

(Enter Grant, Danny, Doug, and TJ)

GRANT: Your sighs are so burdened. Please, tell me the meaning of them: where is your son Hamlet?

DANNY: (to Doug and TJ) Please leave us alone for a while.

(TJ and Doug leave)

DANNY: Oh, my lord! If you'd seen what I've seen!! (falling to his knees)

GRANT: (getting nervous) What? What is it? What has Hamlet done?

DANNY: That wacko is CRAZY!! He comes in all high and mighty and hears something from behind the arras… that was the closet for those of you who don't know… and stabs through it like a madman crying, 'A rat, a rat!' He killed dear old Polonius.

GRANT: My God, he's become worse than ever! Had I been there… who knows!? How can we deal with him now? Where has he gone?

DANNY: He's gone to lay Polonius to rest. He even weeps for what he did.

GRANT: (reluctantly wrapping his arms around Danny) Oh, come, Gertrude. Let's go. We'll be rid of him soon and until then we must be able to tolerate it. — Ho, Guildenstern!

(Re-enter TJ and Doug)

TJ: (annoyed) I'm not a ho.

GRANT: (rolling his eyes) Friends, Hamlet's finally gone mental and murdered Polonius. Find him and bring back the body. And be quick about it.

DOUG: (turning to leave with TJ) Why don't we actually have a part in this scene?

TJ: Who knows?

(TJ and Doug leave)

GRANT: Come, Gertrude, let's call our friends and tell them what we're doing as well as what's happened.

DAVE: (after finally being untied by Liz E) Why would you wanna start telling your friends about your insane kid killing your friend? The rumors would be worse than at school!

LIZ E: (holding a gag threateningly) I let you go hoping that you'd be quiet. Are you gonna make me go back on my actions?

DAVE: (shaking his head and cowering back)

LIZ E: That's a good boy.

GRANT: Right… Oh, come away! My soul is full of discord and dismay.

(Exit)

(Another Chibi Ewan runs across the stage with a banner flying behind him reading the act before running offstage to Shelly's protective arms.)

ACT IV, Scene 2

----Another room in the castle.

(Enter Kelly, whose hair has gone from her normal brown color and almost mid-back length to choppy chin length magenta)

ALL: What the hell did you do to your hair?!?

KELLY: What? Don't you like it? (begins to model her new hair)

ALL: Erm… Yeah?

KELLY: (annoyed sigh) Oh, your opinion doesn't matter. I like it and this is the way it's staying. Any questions?

ALL: (shake heads no)

CHRISSY: (lifting her hood from her black robe and whispering) Now I *know* we let out the wrong one…

KELLY: Good. Now, *ahem*. Safely stowed.

TJ and DOUG: (from offstage) Hamlet! Lord Hamlet!

KELLY: Who calls me? Oh, here they come.

(Enter Doug and TJ)

DOUG: Where'd you put the body?

KELLY: Buried it.

DOUG: Tell us where it is so we can bring it to the church.

KELLY: (looking away crazily) Don't believe it.

DOUG: Believe what?

KELLY: That I can give you advice but not myself. And why should I – the son of a king – answer to a sponge!?

DOUG: You think I'm a sponge?

KELLY: Of course! You soak up everything that comes from the king: his words, his actions, his money! But the king is the only one to benefit from it! When he needs it, he'll squeeze you, sponge, until you're dry again.

DOUG: Uh, I don't get it.

KELLY: Good.

DOUG: Lord, tell us where the body is or we'll have to bring you to the king.

TJ: Um, we're bringing him to him anyway.

DOUG: Oh, right.

KELLY: The body is with the king, but the king is not with the body; the king is a thing—

TJ: A thing?!

KELLY: Of nothing. Fine, bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after.

(Exit)

DAVE: (offstage) What the hell did that last line mean??

MAY: Could someone shut him up?! I'll put him back in that fucking phone booth without a directory if he doesn't stay quiet!