(All three Chibi Ewans plop down from the ceiling on ropes from a helicopter hovering above with signs attached to their backs reading 'See BLACK HAWK DOWN' and the act. Shelly – who is offstage – squeals with delight as they disconnect themselves from the ropes, grab their guns and stalk offstage.)
ACT IV, Scene 3
----Another room in the castle.
(Enter Grant with many followers)
GRANT: I've sent them to find the—
(Enter Kelly enraged)
KELLY: What the hell was that???
GRANT: Huh?!?
KELLY: Where'd the little Ewans come from??? Who brought them here?
(Shelly steps on stage with the three chibis in her arms cowering from Kelly)
SHELLY: Uh… I took them… from your mind during the Intermission. There were so many in the 'Moulin Rouge' room that I figured it wouldn't matter if a couple were taken. I'm sorry! But I'm keeping them!
KELLY: (sweatdrop) Fine. They can stay, but only if they do the scene changes for the rest of the play.
SHELLY: SQUEEEEE!!!
KELLY: Continue!!
(Shelly and Kelly go offstage leaving Grant alone again)
GRANT: *ahem* I've sent them to find the body. Hamlet's too dangerous to be kept loose! We can't use our law on him because the people of this country love him. They'd surely rebel. His voyage is the only way.
(Enter Doug)
GRANT: Ah! What's happened?
DOUG: (whining) He won't tell us where he hid the body. (pouts)
GRANT: But where's Hamlet?
DOUG: Outside with some guards.
GRANT: Bring him in.
DOUG: Ho Guildenstern!
TJ: (from offstage) Dammit! I said I'm not a ho!
DOUG: Bring him in!
(Enter TJ grumbling with Kelly in tow)
TJ: Why did I get the shit part? I should have been Rosencrantz…
GRANT: Hamlet, where's Polonius?
KELLY: Dinner.
GRANT: Dinner!? Where?
KELLY: Not where he eats but rather eaten. Worms are at him now. A worm is an emperor for diet, for we all fatten ourselves for maggots. A fat king and skinny bum are two dishes to one table – that's the end.
ALL: Ick…
GRANT: Alas!
KELLY: A man fishes with a worm that had eaten a king, then eat the fish that ate that worm.
GRANT: What are you talking about?
KELLY: Just that a king may pass through the insides of a beggar.
GRANT: Dammit, where's Polonius?
KELLY: In heaven. Send for him there to see, and you don't find him, send to the other place… hell. But, beware… if you don't find him this month, you'll begin to smell him as you go upstairs into the lobby.
GRANT: (to some attendants) Go seek him there!
KELLY: He will stay until you come.
GRANT: Hamlet, this is for your safety. We must send you quickly to England because we grieve for what you've done. Everything is ready. You only need to pack.
KELLY: To England!
GRANT: Yeah, that's what I said…
KELLY: Good.
GRANT: It would be if you knew what we mean to do.
KELLY: Then I must go to England! – YIPPEE!! I get to go after all!! – *ahem* Farewell, dear mother.
GRANT: Thy loving father.
KELLY: Uh-uh. Mother. Father and mother are man and wife, and man and wife are the same person, so farewell mother. (exits)
GRANT: Go quickly and bring him to the king for our plans to succeed.
(Doug and TJ exit)
GRANT: England will kill Hamlet and I'll be rid of him at last.
(Exits)
…………………
(A chibi Ewan comes running onstage dragging a reluctant Colin behind him. Chibi Ewan motions for him to do something. Colin rolls his eyes and lifts a sign displaying the act. Chibi Ewan motions again and Colin flips the sign displaying "See all Ewan McGregor movies!" Colin sneakily reaches behind him and takes out another sign reading "Join the Royal Air Force and be a hero." Chibi Ewan smacks him and drags him offstage.)
ACT IV, Scene 4
----A plain in Denmark.
(Enter FORTINBRAS* Melissa and extras as her forces marching)
MELISSA: (steps in front of the audience with a wide grin on her face) Now I intend to be well mannered, to stay in character, and to let nothing even highly absurd distract me or anyone else on this stage. Besides… I only have a few lines anyway. (shrug) Go, Captain to tell the Danish king that we wish to march upon his kingdom. We have the right by law to march through to get to our destination.
MICHELLE: (still in her tap costume, steps out from behind Melissa – she had snuck in behind her and kicked out the extra to play this particular role) And I have chosen this moment to actually have a part other than a skull. (turns to Melissa) I will do it, sir.
MELISSA: Go softly on.
(Melissa and all the extras exit, leaving Michelle alone.)
(Enter Doug, TJ, and Kelly who is held between them looking very perturbed.)
KELLY: (ripping herself from their grasp and speaking to Michelle) I'm glad to see you've chosen a role… *ahem* Sir, who do these troops belong to?
MICHELLE: Norway.
KELLY: What do they intend to do?
MICHELLE: They go to take some part of Poland.
KELLY: Who's in charge?
MICHELLE: Old Norway's nephew, Fortinbras.
KELLY: Do they want to take the main part or a border?
MICHELLE: Actually, we go to claim a small patch of land worth no more than five bucks. I wouldn't farm it if I were paid.
KELLY: Yet the Poles are defending it?
MICHELLE: Yup, already guarded.
KELLY: So many souls and so much money spent on them just to fight over a bit of straw… This is no reason to cause a bloodbath. Thank you, sir.
MICHELLE: No problem. (punches Kelly's arm in a friendly way and exits)
DOUG: Shall we go now?
KELLY: Go on ahead, I'll catch up.
(Doug and TJ exit)
KELLY: And now for a quick summary of what this speech means: I'm so surprised that Fortinbras would cause such a commotion over a shit piece of land like that when I can't even avenge my own father's murder! What's wrong with me? Why spend so much time brooding over it when I should just off the bastard?!
MAY: (offstage) Alright! That's what I'm talking about!
KELLY: From now on, my mind will be bent on revenge! BLOODY REVENGE!!
MAY: (jumping for joy) Yess!!! Yessssss!!!
(Kelly exits to calm May down as quickly as possible)
