ACT IV, Scene 5
----Elsinore. A room in the castle.
(Enter Danny and Shelly)
DANNY: I won't talk to her.
SHELLY: She demands to see you. You need to distract her a little.
DANNY: Why?
SHELLY: She starts whispering of her father, talks evil about the world, pulls at her hair, and generally carries on in the craziest way even a nurse at an asylum has ever seen. Including the space asylum.
DANNY: (sighing) Fine, send her in.
(Shelly exits to get Ewan)
DANNY: Something weird is happening.
(Re-enter Shelly with Ewan)
EWAN: (speaking most of his lines verbatim cause it sounds better) Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?
DANNY: How are you, Ophelia?
EWAN: (sings) How should I your true love know
From another one?
By his cockle hat and staff,
And his sandal shoon.
DANNY: Oh dear girl. Why do you sing?
EWAN: (looking positively insane, wacko, nuts, etc.) You speak? No, listen. (sings with increasing sadness) He is dead and gone, lady,
He is dead and gone;
At his head a green grass turf,
At his heels a stone.
DANNY: But Ophelia—
EWAN: LISTEN!! (sings) White his shroud as the mountain snow…
(Enter Grant)
DANNY: Look at her.
EWAN: (sings) Larded with sweet flowers;
Which bewept to the grave did go
With true love showers.
GRANT: How are you, Ophelia?
EWAN: They say the owl was a baker's daughter. Lord, we know what we are, but not what we may be. God be at your table!
GRANT: She's still upset about her father's death.
EWAN: Pray you, let's have no words of this; but when they ask you what it means, say you this: (screams at the top of his lungs then when finished sings)
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's day
All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,
And dupp'd the chamber door;
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.
GRANT: Huh?
KELLY: (offstage) Shh! This is the best part Ophelia has! If Ewan's movements in a minute don't tell you what he's talking about, you'll never get it anyway.
EWAN: Indeed, la, without an oath, I'll make an end on it: (sings)
By Gis and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame! (begins doing pelvic thrusts around in a very sexual manner)
Young men will do it, if they come to it;
By COCK (thrusts forward at the emphasized word) they are to blame.
(gets on his back, lifting his skirts and moving as if having sex) Quoth she, before you tumbled me,
You promised me to wed.
So would I have done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed! (rolls over and begins to cry)
ALL: Ah…
KELLY: (sighing) You need a little explanation? (all nod) Right. The first song was about how upset Ophelia was about her father's death. It was describing a gravestone and how they would be laid. The second song was about Hamlet's absence. She believed he loved her and so she – supposedly – slept with him to seal his marriage proposal. But since he hasn't returned in a while, she's worried herself into a fit – a combination of sorrow for the loss of her father and her missing boyfriend. Get it now?
ALL: (nod)
KELLY: Cool. Glad I have a grasp of this play.
GRANT: How long has she been like this?
EWAN: (getting up and coming over) I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him in the cold ground. My brother shall know of it: and so I thank you for your good counsel. – Come, my coach! (steps into an invisible coach) Good night, ladies; good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night. (exits by trotting like a horse out the 'door')
GRANT: (to Shelly) Follow her close, and watch out for her.
(Exit Shelly)
GRANT: This madness is caused by such sadness, all from her poor father's death. She weeps for her father's death, for Hamlet's leaving – and he being the cause of both the death and his departure. I feel great pity for her. It hurts me so.
(A noise offstage is heard… something like a crash)
DANNY: What's that?
GRANT: Where are the guards? They should be guarding the doors.
(Enter a GENTLEMAN* Traci – who wanted to be included again)
GRANT: What's happening?
TRACI: A great mob of people crash at the gates and are rushing in, taking out anyone in their path including any guard. The rabble is all lead by Laertes, and you must save yourself! They cry that he shall be king!
DANNY: They've heard the rumors!
GRANT: (another noise) The doors have been broken down.
(Enter May armed and followed by MANY mob-type followers – stolen from the Intermission.)
MAY: Where is the king!?!? (to the crowd) You wait for me outside.
MOB: No, we want in!
MAY: Leave me!
MOB: Oki doke. (they exit)
MAY: (raising her foil – a thin bladed sword used in fencing – and pointing it at Grant with bloodlust in her eyes) You vile wretch! Give me my father!!
DANNY: Be calm, Laertes.
MAY: One drop of calm blood from me disgraces my entire family and loyalty to them!
GRANT: Why, what is wrong, Laertes? Tell us why you have such a rebellion and what caused this?
MAY: (getting very testy and keeping her blade at Grant's throat, making him seem nervous) Where is my father?
GRANT: Dead.
DANNY: But he didn't kill him.
GRANT: Let him ask what he wants to find out his answers.
MAY: Then how did he die? I will sell my soul to the devil to seek revenge!
GRANT: If you really want to know, would you bring both friend and enemy to become winner and loser?
MAY: Only enemies.
GRANT: Will you find out who they are then?
MAY: I'll welcome friends with open arms and sacrifice myself for them.
GRANT: I had nothing to do with Polonius' death and grieve it as I should.
MOB: (outside) Let her in.
MAY: What's that?
(Re-enter Ewan dressed in a straw dress and a flower crown looking highly amused with invisible things)
MAY: Oh no. How can it be? Don't let my eyes tell the truth! Sister! No… her mind was as mortal as her father's life!
EWAN: (sings) They bore him barefaced on the bier;
Hey no nonny, nonny, hey nonny;
And on his grave rained many a tear,— (stops singing and speaks to May without really focusing on her) Fare you well, my dove!
MAY: Oh dear. (sword drops to her side in sorrow for Ewan)
EWAN: You must sing, Down, a-down, an you call him a-down-a. O how the wheel becomes it! It is the false steward, that stole his master's daughter.
MAY: This is sad madness.
EWAN: (holding out invisible flowers) There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember: and there is pansies, that's for thoughts. There's fennel for you, and columbines:— there's rue for you; and here's some for me:— (laughs) we may call it herb-grace of Sundays:— O, you must wear your rue with difference.— There's a daisy:— I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died:— they say, he made a good end,— (sings) For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy.
MAY: Of everything that's happened, she's turned to favor and prettiness.
EWAN: (sings) And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
No, no, he is dead,
Go to thy death-bed,
He never will come again.
His beard was as white as snow
All flaxen was his poll:
He is gone, he is gone,
And we cast away moan:
God have mercy on his soul! (speaks) And of all Christian souls, I pray God,— God be with you.
MAY: (begins to speak her cue, then notices Ewan isn't moving as he's supposed to exit, turns back and approaches him) Uh, Ewan, you can leave the stage now. Your scene's over.
EWAN: (smiles nervously) Er, I would if I could, but I can't.
MAY: Heh? What the hell does *that* mean?
EWAN: …… I can't move. (May awaits an explanation) There's something latched onto my leg. It happened in the middle of the scene… It's too heavy for me to move it.
EWAN'S SKIRT: HEY!!!
MAY: O_O;;; Please forgive me for what I'm about to attempt. (looks towards the heavens) Especially whoever's up there. Forgive me. (bends over and lifts the part of Ewan's skirt facing away from the audience and her eyes go wide) O_O…… KELLYYYY!!!!! WHAT THE--- ?!?!…… Hey, you wear that kilt all the time?
EWAN: (blush)
MAY: It's funny! 'One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!!' Fantastic! Do you wear anything under that? Kelly, tell me! Boxers or briefs?
MICHELLE: (offstage) Or commando?! And we want details!
KELLY: (under the skirt) Hey, leave me be!! There's nothing to see here!
(skirt is violently ripped out of May's hand)
MAY: -_-;;;; Excuse us folks. There will be yet *another* short delay in the progress of the play. (walks to the front of the stage, knowing that Kelly is holding down the other side of the skirt, and lifts up the fabric facing the audience)
KELLY: (sitting on Ewan's foot, hugging his leg with both her arms and legs, suddenly looks out at the audience, startled) …… (grins and blushes again) May, would you be a dear and LEAVE ME ALONE!! (pulls the skirt down again)
EWAN: (looks at audience and sighs)
MAY: (pulls skirt up and sprays Kelly with butter)
EWAN: HEY!! Why'd you do that?
MAY: It's to make her slip off easily!
EWAN: But what did you use??
MAY: (looks at label, reads) Frederick's of Hollywood's Caramel flavored Body Butter… (sweatdrop) Oops. Meant to use this. (holds out spray bottle of Land'o'Lakes spray on low fat butter)
EWAN: (smacks himself in the head) You spray her – *and* my leg that she's wrapped herself around – with an edible substance hoping she would *LOOSEN* her grip???
MAY: …… Uh… right. I see your point… Damn. (glances down at Kelly)
KELLY: (licking her fingers) Thanks, May. I was getting hungry. This tastes GOOD!
MAY: -_-;;; (stands up with a HUFF and stomps off the stage)
EWAN: Hey, wait! Where are you going??
MAY: (stomps back on stage mumbling to herself… with a wet mop in hand) You must have been standing over the trap door when she latched onto you like a parasite. This should get her off… (stands next to Ewan with a look of purpose on her face, speaks sweetly while bending down to pick up the skirt again) Oh, Kelly… Dear friend of mine… Won't you please come out of there so we can finish the play? (jerks up the skirt and SMACKS Kelly in the head with the mop)
KELLY: BLECKH!! That's disgusting! Why'd you do that? I'm not hurting anyone!
MAY: You're ruining your own play!!!
KELLY: Well, if I had been properly informed of the cast in the play beforehand, maybe I would have had a little more control over my actions. But that wasn't *my* fault, now was it?
MAY: (smacks Kelly over the head with the mop once more, making Kelly yelp, and lets go of the skirt) That's it. I've had it.
EWAN: What am I supposed to do?
MAY: All I can say is try to drag her offstage if you can. Otherwise, you'll be a permanent prop in the rest of the play. (marches defiantly offstage)
EWAN: … Right. (with every ounce of strength he can use, he drags his 'bum' leg towards the closer side of the stage)
(A sudden gasp, yelp, and THUMP are heard from under Ewan's skirt during his effort, and with a look of shock, his leg flies forward and he falls flat on his 'arse'. The audience gasps when they notice that Ewan's leg – still buttered – was bare.)
ANNA: Hey! Where'd Kelly go?
KRISTEN: (runs onto the stage and pushes the skirt out of the way revealing an open trap door) She must have fallen through this.
MAY: The butter worked!
MELISSA: That must have been the sounds we heard…
MARIE: (joins Kristen around the trap door, yelling down into the hole) Kelly? Can you hear me? Try to find your way out!
LAUREN and COLIN: (the only ones helping Ewan up, struggling because he was knocked unconscious during the fall, dragging him off stage to administer smelling salts)
(Heard from below are sounds of struggle, clattering equipment, loud annoyed grunts, hard footsteps slowly fading…)
Meanwhile… On another stage nearby, a production of "A Parody of Shakespeare: Romeo and Juliet" played by the Gundam Wing boys was currently in progress…
TROWA (Juliet): ….where's the vial? (walks over to the dresser, grabs vial and goes to center of stage) Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again. I have a fai—
(A trap door underneath Trowa suddenly opens, sending the bishounen sprawling on to the floor. Kelly, AKA muse of hyperness, suddenly pops up, dressed in black)
KELLY: …..Where am I?
MAY: (off stage, squeaks) o_O!! KELLY?! What the--?! How did you--?!
PEOPLE: o_O;; Heh…?
KELLY: (sees audience) Oh no! It's my part already!! *ahem* Shall quips, and sentences, and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humor? No! The world must be peopled!! When I—
MAY: (quickly runs on stage and whaps Kelly) ~WHAP~
KELLY: OW~!!!! (grabs head, then looks up, puzzled) May? What are you doing here? Weren't you just beating me off Ewan with a mop?
MAY: (smirking) I astral projected here.
DUO: (whispering to Heero) Is that way she's always so out of the loop?
MAY: I heard that, Duo.
KELLY: (glances around at the stage) So this is where you've been doing that thing I keep getting in my email… Now, since I've never met any of you before, May, would you please introduce us? (climbs out of trap door and onto stage)
MAY: (gathering the Gundam crew onto the stage, she starts pointing to each, saying their names) Trowa, Heero, Wufei… (suddenly realizing that this was pointless) WAIT!! What the hell am I doing?!? Kelly! You're supposed to be in your play right now! How did you get here?
KELLY: Um, well, if you just astral project yourself *back* to my play, then maybe your two selves can put it all together!
MAY: I don't have time for that right now! If you didn't notice, we're both trying to put on plays here! Just tell me in SHORT how you got here?
KELLY: Well, during Act 4, Ewan was on stage with you and I snuck up through the trap door and wrapped myself around his leg…
MAY: (holding up her hands in alarm) Stop! Wait! I don't want to know anymore.
KELLY: Well, you did ask.
MAY: I must have hit you too hard when you were wigging out in the Intermission… First of all, you said you came over here during the fourth act, right? But when you arrived here you started spouting the *second* act of "Much Ado About Nothing" – a different play, and a COMEDY, I might add – if I'm correct. In that case, you've got to be losing it!
KELLY: (mumbling) They were both played by Kenneth Branagh… honest mistake… Well, not all of this is my fault… I seem to remember a certain potion, many weapons aimed at me, butter, and a wet mop…
MAY: Ah, shut up. Just go back to your play, do whatever you want with Ewan, and let us get back to our work! (turns to talk to G-boys and sees that Trowa is on the mahogany table with Wufei. The other cast members have disappeared somewhere in the back and sounds can be heard.) BAKA YAROU!!! (collapses into a heap resembling the fetal position, whining furiously) It's just not fair…
(May pulls out the Twin Buster Rifle and, still lying on floor, fires randomly at people)
WUFEI and TROWA: (falls off of mahogany table) ~THUD~
MAY: EVERYBODY!!!! Get dressed now, and I won't kill you!!!
(sudden scrambling from rest of crew)
KELLY: Wow, and my cast thought *WE* had problems…
MAY: (stands up and rounds on Kelly) THAT'S IT!! GET BACK INTO YOUR LITTLE HOLE AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!! (suddenly starts speaking in Chinese, leaving Kelly and the G-boys speechless)
KELLY and G-BOYS: O_O;;; (blink, blink, blink)
WUFEI: (understanding everything May said) _;;; Oh….my…..God…… I can't believe you just *said* that, onna……
MAY: (violently shoves Kelly back towards the trap door and whips out a rolled up newspaper which she promptly begins FWAPPING Kelly over the head with) JUST… GO… AWAY!! (shoves Kelly through the door, slams it shut, and locks it with so many locks, an atom bomb couldn't get through) There. Now… PLACES!!!
EVERYBODY: ……………
MAY: Do *not* make me go ZERO…
EVERYBODY: O_O!!! (more scrambling is heard)
Back on the Hamlet stage, the cast was arguing over what to do next. Marie, Alex, Anna, and Kristen were still huddled over the trap door shouting into it in hope of getting an answer. The rest of the cast, if not now knocked unconscious (including Dave, Doug, TJ, and a few other random extras) were arguing if they should wait for Kelly to find her way out – which could take longer than anybody was willing to stay put – or just replace her with Colin, since he was already there. Ewan had since woken up with a furious headache wondering why his leg had been buttered. Lauren just found out that Colin was married with one child, and that her proposition to him was useless, and was now sulking in the corner.
(While crouched over the hole in the floor, Marie suddenly hit Alex and told him to be quiet. Everyone hushed while they waited… Faint footsteps were coming from down below followed by grumbles and loud curses)
MARIE: It's Kelly!! She's back!! (hopping up and down, hitting Alex over the head unknowingly)
COLIN: Does that mean I don't have a part again?
SHELLY: Uh… you want to be an extra?
COLIN: Fine.
ALEX: (upper half of his body now through the doorway, shouting for Kelly to follow the sound of his voice) Kelly? Is that you? If you can, follow my voice and we'll— OW!! (his body jerks and he comes up out of the hole with his hand holding his earlobe) Well, I know it's Kelly.
KELLY: (from down below) Could someone throw me a rope!?!?
(Little people in black come running over with a big pile of rope and throw down one end of it. They form a line on the upper end and begin pulling her up.)
KELLY: (her hands grab onto both sides of the hole in the floor and she pulls her head out with a tired 'don't mess with me' look on her face) Hello there.
MARIE, MELISSA, SHELLY, and MAY: (all come over to help her out asking questions at the same time) Where'd you go? Why were you down there for so long? Did you find anything interesting down there? Why are you all bruised?
KELLY: (stands straight up, dusts herself off, looks up to answer and tell her lovely tale and spots May… glares and growls for a second)
MAY: Uh, what?
KELLY: (in a scream of anger, she lunges and attacks May) AAARRGH!!!
MAY: (a scream of terror is all we hear before the scuffle) GAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
(There's mass confusion on stage, for some people had no idea that Kelly had returned. When the large ball of dust and claws – in other words, May and Kelly – went flying by, all anyone did was look at it in wonder. No one did anything for a minute, until Liz E gathered her courage and dove into the scuffle and broke them apart – not without getting a few cuts and bruises herself, however. Now, Kelly was more of a mess than she was at the beginning of the previous act, hair in knots, clothes in shreds, and a small cut on her lower lip. May's glasses were crooked, she had a bloody nose, hair all over, and her clothes resembled Kelly's.)
LIZ E: (wiping the hair out of her eyes) Alright, now someone better explain this 'cause we don't have all day! (looks at May)
MAY: What are you looking at *me* for? *She's* the one trying to kill me!
LIZ E: Alright. Explain, Kelly.
KELLY: Dammit, May! You have no idea why I'd be a little pissed?
COLIN: (whispering to Ewan) She's drunk?
EWAN: Not that kind of pissed, Col.
MAY: Not a fucking clue!
KELLY: Why don't you ask yourself over in the next theater what just happened?
MAY: Heh?!?
KELLY: I just crawled over to the next theater to find a production of Romeo and Juliet being performed by the Gundam boys and directed by YOU!!
MAY: (looks baffled)
KELLY: You just told me you astral projected over there.
MAY: Really? Cool!! But… that doesn't explain why you nearly killed me.
KELLY: Oh really? Well here! Let me count the reasons: (holds out fingers) the beam cannon, your anime troop, the concoction of speed, ecstasy, No-Doz and my potion, the butter, the wet mop, the rolled up newspaper, shoving me through the trap door and slamming it down onto my head!!
MAY: Uh, I remember everything but those last few you just said.
DAVE: (who woke up when the fight broke out) Uh, I don't know about anyone else, but when Kelly's face turns that ugly shade of red, I get a bit nervous.
ALEX: Just nervous? I practically soiled myself!!
MICHELLE: Information that is totally not needed at this point.
KELLY: (dusting herself off from the fight, wipes hair and sweat away from her eyes, and growls) Alright, you know time is money, people. We are doing a play and we don't have much left to finish. All we have to do is finish this god awfully long scene and then the rest should be a breeze.
TONYA: That's easy for you to say.
KELLY: Remember the key phrase here is should be a breeze. (sigh) Places everyone.
(Everyone scatters to their respective spots in the wings of the theater, in the audience, and onstage.)
MAY: OK, one more time. (acting) Oh God, do you see this?
GRANT: Laertes, trust in me, a wise friend. If you find that either our kingdom or ourselves touched by evil, then you may take everything you want from us – our lives, our kindom, our wealth. Come with me and I'll tell you what happened and then you will become enlightened.
MAY: (sneering a bit and raising the foil's tip back to Grant's neck) Why don't I just get what I want now?
KELLY: (offstage with a pack of ice on her head from the beatings) MAY! That's NOT how it goes!!
MAY: (smirk) I know, but what fun is this? I want BLOOD, baby!!
KELLY: (glare)
MAY: Alright, alright, fine. (sigh) Let this be so. I will find the dog and bury him without any honor or respect… after I draw and quarter, dismember, and have Shelly help me with disemboweling them.
SHELLY: (giggle)
GRANT: So you shall, and where the culprit is the axe of punishment will fall on him. Come with me.
(Exit Grant and May, enter Kelly on side of stage with finger in air.)
KELLY: And for those of you who didn't get that, that was a reference to what will happen to Hamlet if Claudius' plans pan out. Hamlet is bound for beheading. (giggles and walks offstage)
