ACT IV, Scene 6
----Another room in the castle.
(Enter Shelly and a SERVANT* Chrissy [head of the LPiB] still in her black robes)
SHELLY: Who wants to talk to me again?
CHRISSY: Some sailors, they say they have letters for ya. (smiles at audience because she finally has a part)
SHELLY: … OK, let them in.
CHRISSY: (stays in place staring at audience…… not wanting to leave)
SHELLY: *ahem* Chrissy?
CHRISSY: Hm?
SHELLY: Let them in.
CHRISSY: … Do I have to?
KELLY: GET OFF THE STAGE!
CHRISSY: Alright! Alright! (mumbles to herself as she goes offstage)
SHELLY: Okie-dokie. I have no idea who would send me a letter if Hamlet can't…
(Enter SAILORS* Marie and Alex… just because they have no other part and want to be in the play again)
ALEX: (gives a cheery smile and wave) Hiya! God bless you!
SHELLY: And bless you too.
ALEX: (hands Shelly a letter) Oh, he gladly will. If you're Horatio, then this letter is for you from the ambassador on his way to England.
SHELLY: (reads, but Kelly voices over) "Horatio, after you've read this, send these men to king to deliver other letters. Before the second night at sea, we were attacked by a pirate ship. In our fight, I boarded their ship just as ours got clear. I was their only prisoner. They have been merciful, but I must pay them back for their kindness. Give the king his letters, then seek me out: I have an amazing tale to tell. These men will bring you to me. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are still on their way to England, but I'll tell you the rest of that later. See you soon.
HAMLET"
(speaks) Come, I'll show you where to go, and go quickly. You must bring me to Hamlet as quickly as possible.
(Exit all)
-----
ACT IV, Scene 7
----Another room in the castle.
(Enter Grant and May)
KELLY: (offstage) God, this is such a boring scene. Please try to get it over with as fast as possible without skipping anything important. We're almost through, here!
GRANT: Dear Laertes, I am your friend. He that killed your father was trying to kill me. (gestures for May to sit)
MAY: Well then why aren't you doing anything about it to protect yourself? (sits)
GRANT: Two reasons that mean a great deal to me, but might not mean anything to you. The queen, his mother, loves him too much for me to take action against him, and the people of our kingdom favor him too. If I punished him for his actions here, the entire kingdom would rise in rebellion against me. Everything he ever did wrong would become honorable legend.
MAY: So my father is dead and my sister is mad because of him… I'll have revenge!!
GRANT: Don't you worry about that. I'll teach you—
(Enter MESSENGER* an LPiB)
GRANT: What news?
LPiB: Letters for you and the queen, my lord, from Hamlet.
GRANT: (puzzled look) From Hamlet? Who brought them?
LPiB: Some sailors I didn't see gave them to Claudio who gave them to me.
GRANT: You'll hear them too, Laertes. Leave us.
(LPiB bows and exits)
GRANT: (reads, but Kelly voices over) "Boo. Didn't think I'd be writing you after I found out why you sent me, did you? I've enjoyed the sites – Big Ben and the Tower of London are quite nice this time of year—"
GRANT: Oh, get on with it! Those aren't your lines anyhow!
GRANT: (reads, but Kelly voices over) "Sorry. *ahem* Dear 'High and Mighty' bastard – I'll have you know that I'm currently naked back home. Tomorrow, I'd like to meet with you; there I'll first ask for 'forgiveness', then tell you of my adventure to return here. Adios! HAMLET."
DAVE: (offstage) NAKED?!? Where?! I wanna see!
MAY: (dashes offstage where the audience hears a loud THWACK and THUD, soon followed by her return) Sorry. Had to deal with him before he makes anymore stupid remarks.
GRANT: Erm… ok… *ahem* Huh? Does this mean everyone else is back too? Or is it a trick?
MAY: Is it his handwriting?
GRANT: Yep. It says 'naked' but a footnote here says 'alone'. Got any bright ideas?
MAY: You got me. I say let him come… (starts madly wringing her hands and hunching over) It warms my sick little heart to know that I'll be able to live and look at him and say – DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!!!! (acts like the character McManus from The Usual Suspects during the lineup scene)
GRANT: Whoa, before you go "Oswald was a fag" on me, will you let me help you plan out your revenge?
MAY: (slumping over, disappointed) Oh, I guess so… just so long as I can kill him.
GRANT: Good, I've got a plan where you can kill him while no blame comes upon you at all. Even his mother will say it was an accident.
MAY: SWEET!
GRANT: People have been talking about you a lot during your travel. (And I skip this long and boring speech because no one wants to hear it.)
ALL: (relieved sigh) Thank God.
GRANT: ¬_¬;;; My plan is that you two will have a fencing match against one another and we'll score it to three hits. Whoever reaches three first wins. I know that both of you are very good, so it should prove a good match nonetheless. However, your blade will be tipped with poison so that even with the tiniest scratch it will kill Hamlet. There is no cure, and his death will be nice and quick—
MAY: (mumbles) Damn, I wanted it to be gory as hell… I want to hack him to bits!!!
KELLY: (offstage) Dude! I'm your freaking roommate! You don't *really* want to (gulp) hack me to bits… right? I thought we were friends! (teary chibi eyes)
MAY: (unidentifiable grin)
GRANT: Anyway… If you're not as skilled with a foil as we hope, then I'll have a backup: I shall have a cup of wine ready for him when he tires and in it, there will be a poisoned pearl. That plan should be sufficient for killing him without any blame coming to anyone. It should be simple enough.
MAY: (brow furrowing) You don't think it the slightest bit suspicious that a teeny tiny scratch, or a simple sip of wine would kill him instantly? You'd think that someone would notice that as being a bit odd.
KELLY: (offstage) May, I'm not the one who came up with the plot, man. Blame Shakespeare for that drug trip.
(Enter Danny looking utterly distraught)
GRANT: Ah, sweet queen! How are you?
DANNY: So many things that sadden – Laertes, Ophelia is drowned.
KELLY: (offstage) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
ALL: (look warily at Kelly) *blinkie blinkie*
MAY: ……Drowned? (chibi teary eyes and – following Kelly's example – being overdramatic) DROWNED??
DANNY: There is a nice little river with a willow nearby. She went there and made herself many beautiful garlands of flowers, and somehow, while reaching for something on a branch, it broke and she fell into the brook. Her gowns spread out and made her look like a beautiful mermaid.
MAY: (wails with sorrow) Alas! She is drowned! She's had too much water already, so I shall not cry. Instead, I shall exit to show that I cannot stand to be around anyone because of my sorrow.
(Exit May)
GRANT: It's so sad. Let's follow, Gertrude. (reaches out and takes Danny's hand)
(Exit all)
