Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...

By Kourin Lucrece

Disclaimer: Still do not own, but the late, great Jonathan Larson had a fantastic imagination!

Author's Note: This is a short chapter, sorry. Also, Roger's dirty little mouth made the rating go up! ^.~

~*~ Roger ~*~

"Every word."

I closed my eyes rather than look into her pain filled eyes. Part of me screamed. How the hell can she come off as the victim? She fucking went back to Benny, for crissake!! Does that mean absolutely nothing?

The rest of me was filled with remorse and sorrow. I don't want to lose her, but a bit too late for that, don't you think? I screwed this up royally. Again.

"You don't want baggage with out lifetime guarantees; you don't want to watch me die," Mimi said softly. How true, how true... But while it had been annoying for Mark to point it out, from my sweet love it was heart breaking. I don't know why I've always wanted the easy way out. I felt like shit.

"I just came to say, goodbye Love," she whispered, and my anger resurfaced. How can she pull that crap? She left me! I'm just returning the favor! And yet... God, I love her and I know that, but what can I do? I mean, this was one fucking great act she was putting on, but maybe... But if you're acting, can you put that much sorrow into your gaze, that much pain?

Even though I was about to protest, I could feel Mark's gaze drilling into my back and I just listened to what Mimi had to say. I felt bad for what I said to him, and pushing him like that, but what is his problem? It's my life, my choices and he can't shove my problems into my face without getting it back, dammit!

Mimi seemed at a loss for words, merely looking deep into my eyes as she murmured a final time, "Goodbye, love." Then she turned away, her small form shaking with the tears I had seen in her eyes the whole funeral. Jesus, I am an ass for leaving when I did...

Without even thinking about it, I sang softly, "One blaze of glory... I have to find..." But is it worth it? Is my one blaze of glory before I'm gone worth everything I'm destroying on the path?

Without another word, I turned and I bolted to my 'new' car and wished for my guitar. The only thing I could see was Mimi's large tear filled brown eyes imploring me not to leave her to die as she wished me goodbye. God, what am I doing?

But I can't do this! Maybe Mark is right and I run from my problems, but I can't fucking do this! Mimi's with Benny and she's dying, Angel is gone, April's gone... It's only a matter of time before AIDS takes Collins and I as well.

Besides, Mark is a great one to talk! He's so fucking blind to anything that doesn't show in his camera that he doesn't get what's going on all around him. Part of me wickedly hinted that maybe he sees everything too well and it merits his detachment, but I don't care. He had no right to say any of that! He's wrong! He's wrong, he's wrong, he's wrong! At least, I hope he is. Although, part of me wishes I hadn't said the things I did, that I hadn't pushed him. But I tried to convince myself I was right. I mean, wasn't I?

I shifted the car into gear and drove off before my conscience could persuade me to stay. I focused on all of the anger and frustrations I had with my friends, my life, God, and tried to ignore the eyes that tore at my soul.

~*~*~*~

I added to it and fixed some problems with which tense he's talking in. Roger is definitely hard to write and I apologize for making him out so mean... Reviews make you my new best friend. ^.^