Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...

By Kourin Lucrece

Disclaimer: **mumble, mumble**

Author's Note: Wow, I'm on a roll lately, lol. Marky's up again!! (Guess I skipped Benny, tres triste... lol) I hope you like it!

-*~*~Mark~*~*-

I guess it's a good thing that my meeting was postponed until this morning. I spent almost all night looking for Mimi, but I didn't find her. God I hope she's okay. Of course she did just fine on her own before she met us. I just worry.

When I got home, there was no message from Roger, or anyone for that matter, on the machine. 'I'll call.' Yeah, right. He listened, I'll give him that much, but he doesn't really hear. Amusing for a songwriter, huh? It just goes in one ear, out the other and he doesn't get the meaning of anything that's happening.

If Angel were still here, he could sit Roger down and get him to chill. Then Roger would have the patience to understand. But Angel's gone. I miss him so much already. Everywhere I turn, I hear what he would have said about everything. Never missed a beat...

I wonder how Collins is holding up. Poor guy... He seemed really upset yesterday. I hope Benny managed to help somewhat. The subway pulls up to the platform, jarring me rudely from my speculation. I get on and grab onto one of the bars above my head as there are no empty seats.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know I love to film, but is Buzzline really what I want to lower myself to? Do I really want to do something that degrading? It's selling out! I can just picture it! 'Hi, Mark Cohen for Buzzline...Back to you Alexi. Coming up, vampire welfare queens who are compulsive bowlers.' God, what am I doing?!

I can tell myself to just do it. Don't think all day, Cohen. Just go for it. Dive into work and turn away from all those problems. Tighten your shoulders, clench your jaw till you frown. You're drowning like this. This is how life is in America. It's the fucking Twilight Zone.

But I can still think of one night where everything was different. We connected and all of the shadows of my life seemed to just break, letting sunlight in. For once, none of us were really pretending to be happy, we were.

God, even just thinking of all the footage I've gotten this past year brings back so much of that feeling. It's full of life and it shines. For once it actually shows the story. Maybe...

The train halts and even though I don't even know what stop it is, I hop off the train. There's a pay phone over by the stairs and I thread my way through all of the people on the platform. I've never liked the subway, all that heat and noise, but today I barely notice.

I shove two quarters into the slot and dial a number I've used numerous times at this point. C'mon, c'mon... Pick up! "Alexi? It's Mark. Call me a hypocrite, but I need to finish my own film. I quit!"

I know that I need the money, but I don't care. I'm going to show the world what our lives were like, so that everyone can learn from Angel and just all of it... So neither my friends nor the truth are ever forgotten. Sure, I might be cold and hungry, but this is right.

So, I'm dying in America to come into my own. But you know what? I'm not alone. And maybe I can make a difference. April, Angel... I'll find a way to make you live forever. I just hope the others can hold on and fix what needs to be mended. I know you're there, though. I'm not alone.

~*~*~*~

Okay, kind of went overboard with lyrics this time, but do you think it works? They're all so hard to write!!!