Rory gratefully climbs into bed. It's been a long day, not least for the fact that she had to talk Lorelai out of matching costumes for Halloween. Rory had agreed to a small painting of a moon and stars on her face instead and, as she and her mother walked around Stars Hollow under the full moon, Lorelai put on a spooky voice and said the veil is thin between worlds on Halloween night! Rory scoffed, asking her what movie she got that out of, but allowed her mother to spin her around and laugh. It's good to laugh with Lorelai, especially as Rory doesn't think she'll be laughing much soon. The scariest part of her Halloween was a positive pregnancy test. Rory isn't saying anything though, not yet anyway – she wants to get it confirmed with the doctor and Lorelai is getting married next week. Rory doesn't want this to ruin it. Her mother seems so happy. Rory rolls over, clenching her eyes closed. What will Lorelai say? And whatever she says, what's Rory going to do? She has no idea. She was the girl with a plan for everything and now here she is, a woman with none. Her mother will be so disappointed. Sighing, Rory tries to settle into sleep. There's nothing she can do about that right now.
Rory can't remember falling asleep but eventually she must, as morning light wakes her some time later. Blinking, Rory sleepily sits up and then stops, staring around the room. This isn't her room. She's not in her childhood bedroom, not in her room in New York and not anywhere Rory recognises. Sort of. If Rory didn't know better she could have sworn she was in the Independence Inn, but that's not possible. It burned down more than ten years ago. Perhaps she's at the Dragonfly, yet that makes no sense either, and besides, the wallpaper is definitely the design she recalls from the Inn. Getting out of bed, Rory pushes aside the curtain and looks out of the window to see the familiar stretch of lawn and, over to the left, the potting shed. She stares and stares, heart thumping in her chest. This isn't possible.
She's having a dream, Rory decides. That's the only thing that makes sense. It's just a very vivid dream. Slowly, she lets the curtain drop and finds her clothes on the chair. Rory pulls them on before splashing water over her face in the mirror. The sun and moon are still painted on her face and Rory feels slightly eerie as she washes them away, seeing the silver slip down the drain. The water is fresh and cold. This dream is certainly more lucid than any other Rory remembers.
Slowly, she walks downstairs. Everything is how she remembers, down to the piano in the corner and paintings Rory must have stared at a hundred times yet had almost forgotten. She runs a hand across the floral wallpaper before stopping, frozen in place. Lorelai is there. Her mother is standing at the front desk, greeting guests, but it's not the Lorelai Rory hung out with the night before. Her mother is young, very young, perhaps younger than Rory is now, and wearing a purple shirt and black pants Lorelai hasn't worn in at least a decade. What year is this? Rory can't ask that, although, she supposes, if it's a dream it doesn't matter. Rory stares at Lorelai, unsure what to do, when her eyes land on a calendar on the wall behind her. October 2000. Rory reads the date again and again, ready to run back upstairs, but then what? She goes back to bed and wakes up in her own time, maybe, but what if she doesn't? What if she's in her room for the entire day (night?) or even longer? That thought is terrifying enough to propel Rory into action. She slowly walks down the last of the steps and over to the desk. She feels like she should speak to her mother.
"Hi," she says carefully. Lorelai looks up, a customer service smile ready on her face, and then she stops, staring. She shakes herself, smiling again, and says, "Hi, sorry. You look a lot like someone I know."
"I do?" Rory is relieved she didn't recognise her but isn't sure what to say.
"Yes. I swear, for a second I really thought – forget it, I'm sorry."
"Okay." Here's her chance to tell Lorelai what's going on but Rory decides against it. This might be a dream but Lorelai seems very much thirty-two and hearing that her daughter is right there and the same age seems like a bad idea. Her mother smiles, more genuinely this time, and asks, "What's your name?"
"Ro – Victoria." Rory stops herself just in time, choosing the first name which comes to mind, and Lorelai laughs.
"Really? That's my middle name."
"You're kidding," Rory says, trying to laugh as well, and Lorelai puts a hand on her hip.
"Who knows, maybe you're some kind of long lost cousin. You've got incredible blue eyes."
"Maybe," Rory says. She feels a little awkward and hastily says, "Um, what should I do here?"
Lorelai looks at her quizzically and Rory amends, "I mean, what kind of things can I do around here? I'm new in town and feel kind of lost."
The last part is true at least. Lorelai rattles off a list Rory remembers reciting herself to guests at the inn and tries to nod in the right places.
"There's a ridiculous amount of stores that sell unicorns," Lorelai winds up. "Don't ask me why."
"No, that's great," Rory says, trying to sound sure. "Thanks."
"Is there anything else I can help with?"
"I think I want some coffee," Rory says seriously and her mother laughs.
"Luke's is the best place for that," she says and looks surprised as Rory automatically says, "I know. I mean – I think I saw it last night. It was closed."
Lorelai nods and says, "It's really good coffee,"
"I definitely need that."
Her mother looks at her, an expression of concern on her face, and says, "Have you had a long journey?"
"Kind of," Rory says honestly. She's tired, even if this is a dream. She looks away and back again as Lorelai says, "I'm finishing the morning shift at twelve. I can have coffee with you if you like – if that's not too weird."
"No, that's fine," Rory says. "I mean, it's not weird. I'd like to."
"Okay, great," Lorelai says, smiling. "I'll see you at Luke's. You won't miss it – just look for the guy yelling at the woman for wanting a sixth cup."
"Cool. I mean, see you there."
Rory smiles before slowly walking outside and looks back at the Inn, its familiar blue she had never expected to see again. October, 2000. Why is she dreaming about this year? Why this time? With a deep breath, Rory walks into town. Stars Hollow looks exactly the same. Rory takes in the town in a kind of daze before rummaging in her bag for her phone. It's not there. Rory guesses she doesn't need a phone in a dream, and besides, this one hasn't even been invented yet – not that it ever worked properly in Stars Hollow – but it's annoying. Across the street Rory notices someone actually using the payphone, which is possibly the strangest thing she's seen so far. She bites her lip, stops a stranger on the sidewalk and asks, "Excuse me, what day is it?"
The woman looks at her oddly for a moment before answering, "Saturday," and Rory nods.
"Right, thanks. Sorry, long day – night – sorry. Thanks."
The woman has already walked away. At least she didn't have to ask what year it is, Rory reasons, and goes into Weston's for breakfast. Her stomach is grumbling but after one bite of waffle Rory pushes the plate away, nauseated. Pregnancy symptoms even in her dream – it figures. Can't she catch a break? Rory drinks her coffee instead, looking out of the window. Saturday. Rory doesn't know where she is – her younger self, that is – and she already knows what Lorelai is doing. Is she going to see herself later? Will that cause some kind of space-time paradox? It's all too weird. Rory rubs a hand across her brow. Maybe she should have stayed at the Inn instead, but as it is, she decides to explore some more. Hasn't she been wishing not to deal with things this week? Rory guesses this is a chance for that.
She spends the next couple of hours at Andrew's, perusing the shelves and marvelling at the low prices. Rory considers buying books for that reason alone but then remembers this is a dream, after all. The books would probably be gone when she wakes up. Instead, she settles in a corner and reads and reads, losing herself in another world until she shakes herself back to this one, where she has to meet her mother. She goes over to diner and jumps as Lorelai calls, "Victoria!"
She's Victoria, Rory remembers. She turns, greeting her mother, who leads them inside and finds a table.
"Sorry if this is totally weird," Lorelai says, sounding out of breath as she takes off her jacket and sits back. "You said you were lost and wanted good coffee and I figured I could help and oh, hey, guy over there, can we get two cups of steaming coffee right away? Thanks!"
The young waiter looks lost himself before scurrying behind the counter and Rory laughs, making her mother laugh too. Lorelai is so young. If this is 2000, Rory realises, then she and her mother are the same age. That's too much to get her head around. When the coffee arrives Rory takes a big gulp, not caring that it's boiling. Thank God coffee is still coffee in dreams. Lorelai looks at her in amusement and says, "I told you this was the best place for coffee."
"And you're right."
"I definitely need a cup. I had to see my parents last night."
"It was Friday," Rory realises and Lorelai gives her an odd look.
"How'd you know I see them on Fridays?"
"Oh – I just figured Friday would be a day for that. Start of the weekend," Rory flails but luckily Lorelai nods, so presumably it makes some kind of sense.
"My parents are in Rome this weekend. They can just take off and go to Rome like it's a day trip."
"Lucky," Rory says enviously and Lorelai sighs.
"They'll stay in a hotel with other rich Americans, speak English and only go to five star restaurants. I'm going to go to Rome someday, with my kid, once she's finished high school, and we're going to backpack all around Europe."
"Fun!
"Aka my parents' idea of hell," Lorelai remarks. "I just hope it happens."
"It will, I'm sure."
"Thanks. So what brings you to Stars Hollow?" Lorelai asks, sipping her own cup. "Are you on vacation?"
"I'm taking a few days out," Rory says carefully. "I live in New York."
"New York, wow," Lorelai says enviously. "I always wanted to live there."
"You did?" Rory asks in surprise and Lorelai nods. "I always figured I would, in another life."
Her mother sounds wistful. Rory stares at her, curious. She knows life took a detour for her mother but she always figured Lorelai loved Stars Hollow. Lorelai looks back, asking self-consciously, "Did I spill coffee or something?"
"What? Oh, sorry," Rory says, embarrassed that she was staring. "I just wondered what you meant when you said another life."
"That's a long story. No, it's a short story. I got pregnant when I was sixteen."
"That must have been a lot."
"It was," Lorelai says with a shaky laugh. "I moved here a year after I had my daughter and we've lived here ever since."
"Wow."
"Don't get me wrong, I'm good with how things turned out," Lorelai says quickly. "My daughter's amazing, she's my best friend, and I have a great life here. I just think sometimes about what I would have done if I hadn't got pregnant."
Rory nods, slowly drinking more coffee. It's weird to hear her mother talk like this. Rory remembers Lorelai talking about taking a detour, but she always said it in a positive way. Did she mean it? A wave of sickness washes over her and Rory doesn't know if it's pregnancy or learning this information.
"And when I had my kid, I figured that was a way out of my parents' life," Lorelai goes on. "I would have left anyway, but I took her here a year after she was born. I didn't want Rory growing up in that rich world – it's so shallow and so cruel – and I just wanted to keep her safe from it. But she got into this great school and I had to borrow money from my parents to pay for it. I have to see them every week and share our life with them after fifteen years."
"I'm sure she appreciates it," Rory says softly. "Your daughter, I mean."
"It's worth it," Lorelai says fiercely. "She can go to this amazing school and then to Harvard like she's always wanted and I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship."
Rory laughs but looks down, feeling a little sad. When did the Harvard dream start? She can't even remember now.
"Sorry to drop all that on you," Lorelai says, misinterpreting Rory's silence.
"No, it's fine – really."
"Tell me about your trip," Lorelai asks cheerfully, shaking off her sadness from before and sipping her coffee.
"I don't know," Rory says, putting her cup down. "I guess I came here because…I don't know. I'm trying to figure out some stuff. I broke up with my boyfriend."
Lorelai nods understandingly. "Got it. That sucks."
"Yeah."
"Not that I have a lot to advise on," Lorelai says. "I haven't dated much."
"You haven't?" Rory asks in surprising before remembering. This is pre-Max and Lorelai shakes her head.
"I'm so busy running the inn and being a mom and this course I'm doing at the community college…it's a lot. Guys aren't exactly lining up."
"I get that," Rory says, feeling a familiar stab of guilt. Her mother put everything on hold for her. "It sounds hectic."
"I like hectic," Lorelai says defensively. "Most of the time anyway. I like being busy."
"Sure."
"I just wish someone else could deal with things sometimes, you know? Like when the fridge is making an eee kind of noise or when the cable goes out…I just wish someone else could think about these things for me, or wait around for the guy to come and fix it. Or stop Kirk from making it worse."
Rory laughs, forgetting that she wouldn't know Kirk, but Lorelai smiles.
"You ran into him already?"
"I think I saw him last night," Rory says vaguely and Lorelai nods.
"He's an interesting specimen."
"Agreed."
They finish their coffee, order another round and Lorelai sighs when the guy tells her Luke isn't there, that he had to go to New York.
"Everyone's in New York," she says, grinning at Rory. "How come Luke's there?"
"Something about his sister and her kid….I don't know," the guy says, before going to take an order from the next table. Lorelai looks disappointed and Rory sits back. Luke must be seeing Jess.
"Well, you missed out seeing him yell at me over my caffeine habits," Lorelai says and Rory laughs.
"I can imagine it."
"Oh, I'm sure. Too bad he isn't here."
"Do you like him?" Rory asks and Lorelai lets out a surprised laugh.
"Luke? He's my friend."
Her mother's cheeks have gone red and Rory laughs. She never remembered her mother being this obvious before and she seems to notice as she says, "Okay, okay. Knock it off."
"Fine."
"My mother would go crazy if I dated a guy like Luke," Lorelai laughs. "Though maybe that's a plus."
"True. How come she wouldn't want you to date him?"
"Oh, he's not good enough by her standards," Lorelai says, rolling her eyes. "By which I mean he doesn't have enough money. Does your mom get on your back about guys?"
"There was one guy she didn't approve of," Rory says, the weirdness of the conversation not lost on her. "Not because of money or anything, but she figured he wasn't good enough for me, I guess. He skipped school a lot and she thought he'd get me in trouble."
"Moms, huh?" Lorelai says sympathetically and Rory nods, trying not to laugh. She wonders about Jess, where he is today and where he'll be when she wakes up to her normal life.
"Tell me more about your life in New York," Lorelai says, sipping her coffee, and Rory sighs.
"I was working as a journalist."
"Wow, really? My daughter's dream is to become a correspondent. How is it?"
"It's hard," Rory says honestly. "I like the work but it's kind of unstable."
"It is? I thought people always got newspapers."
"You'd be surprised," Rory remarks, feeling a little bitter. "It's gone kind of crazy lately."
"Sorry."
"No, it's okay. I really do love the work, when I get good assignments. And I was happy in New York."
"You're not now?" Lorelai asks curiously and then makes a face. "Sorry, Intrusive Party, table for one."
"No, it's fine," Rory says, laughing. "It's just been a crazy year."
"Because of the stuff with your boyfriend?"
"And other things," Rory says vaguely. "But the break-up was kind of recent. I know it was right to break up with the guy I was seeing but it was still crappy."
Lorelai nods sympathetically and says, "We should get gold stars as adults, huh?"
Rory laughs a little ruefully. "We should."
"What happened? If that's okay to ask."
"It's okay," Rory says. "We just…" Her words fade away. How can she explain it? "I've known him for a long time. We met when I was in college and kind of had this off and on thing, but it wasn't right. I should have ended things sooner."
"You ended it eventually though, right?"
"I guess." Rory looks away, not sure if she should get into the rest. It's kind of overwhelming.
"Hey," Lorelai says. "I need to swing by my place for some things at the Inn – do you want to walk with me?"
"Sure." Rory isn't sure what to say. Lorelai is looking at her with sympathetic concern. They walk to the house and even though Rory was only there yesterday her chest still catches slightly.
"Come on in," Lorelai says. "I'll make us some coffee and we can sit on the porch."
"Great," Rory says, looking around. She'd forgotten some things since the remodel and everything is brighter yet smaller, somehow. Her thoughts are interrupted as a girl with a book emerges into the hall, her young self, Rory realises with a jolt. Lorelai greets her and says to Rory, "This is my daughter."
"Hey," Rory says. Surreal doesn't begin to describe it. Her younger self is wearing an orange sweater and jeans Rory remembers donating years ago and looks over her book to cheerfully say, "Hey."
"Hi," Rory says. "Is that for school?"
"What? No, this is just for me. I did some extra credit work earlier though."
"Freak of nature," Lorelai says fondly. "Are you still going to Lane's?"
"Yeah, I'm spending the night."
"Cool," Lorelai says. She goes into the kitchen and Rory and Rory smile awkwardly at each other. So far the universe hasn't imploded.
"What was your extra credit work?" Rory asks and her younger self answers, "History. I have an assignment on the Tudors next month and wanted to get an early start."
"Right," Rory says, remembering how hard she used to study, how important it seemed back then. "That's a lot of homework. Is school hard?"
"It is but I like it. I haven't been there that long."
"I used to study a lot as well," Rory says truthfully. "I killed myself for good grades. I actually had to drop a course when I went to college and it was the right thing, in the end. You don't have to get perfect scores all the time."
"I like good grades," her younger self says. "I want to go to Harvard."
"Harvard. Right."
"And this girl at my school, Paris, says she's going there too. She's obsessed with being the best academically."
"Sure," Rory remembers. "She sounds a little insecure."
"Insecure?" exclaims her younger self. "Paris has everything she could possibly need at school – she gets the best grades, all the teachers love her and she's going out for the school paper."
"Does she have a lot of friends?"
"No…but I don't think she needs them."
"You'd be surprised," Rory replies. "I knew a girl like that at high school and college – turned out her home life was miserable and she didn't have anyone to talk to. That's why she was so intense."
Her younger self nods, looking thoughtful, and asks "Where did you go to school?"
"Yale."
"Huh. My grandfather went there."
"So did mine."
"I'm going to take the exact same course load as mine did," her younger self declares. "My mom didn't go to college so it's a big deal."
"For you or for them?"
"For me," her younger self answers, frowning. "It means a lot that I go but I want to. I've wanted to go to Harvard since I was five years old – that's how long my mom and I have been planning it."
"Right," Rory says softly. She's only sixteen – Rory knew that but she didn't remember being this young. Rory remembers life back then looking like a straight road, destination clear, and she smiles at her. She wants to say something, tell her about life getting less clear as you go on, but what can she possibly say?
"I have to go," her younger self says. "See you around."
"See you," Rory says. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
Her younger self smiles, looking confused, and nods, exiting through the door. This is bizarre, even for a dream – it has to be a dream. But what does it mean? Rory is distracted from her puzzling as Lorelai emerges with two cups of coffee and follows her mother onto the porch.
"Here we are," Lorelai says. "It's not much, but –"
"I love it," Rory says sincerely. She looks out at the yard with the autumn leaves and has a strange urge to cry. Everything is how she remembers yet everything is different. She looks at her mother, who is also glancing out at the yard as the coffee cools. Lorelai was so much better at being thirty-two than Rory is. Rory remembers that, she knows that, but now her mother seems as conflicted as her daughter and Rory is lost. She takes a big sip of coffee, burning her tongue, but Rory drinks it anyway. There's still a lump in her throat. Lorelai looks over, asking, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Rory says quickly. "Just drank the coffee too fast."
"I mean, you look upset."
Rory nods, unable to reply and Lorelai says, "I know it's not my business,"
Rory shrugs, clutching the cup. Lorelai is looking at her in concern and, without thinking about it, Rory says, "I'm pregnant."
She has told her mother she's pregnant. Rory has thought about and dreaded this moment yet it's a relief to say it, even if it is in a dream. She looks up at Lorelai whose eyes are filled with sympathy as she says, "You are?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure."
"Oh, Victoria. Wow."
Rory drinks some coffee and says, "I'm not sure what I'm going to do. How did you know what to do?"
"The decision was kind of made for me," Lorelai says. "But I knew I wanted to raise her and I didn't want to get married, which is what my parents wanted. God, it was years ago but it's always going to be a thing between us. My basic life plan has been to see what my parents do and then do the exact opposite."
Rory laughs and Lorelai adds, "It's so weird having them in my life again."
"It is?" Rory keeps forgetting it's new to her mother and Lorelai nods.
"I only saw them at Christmas or Easter, and sometimes they'd drive out to see us, me and Rory, but our lives were totally separate. I never wanted to depend on them for anything, not since I left home, hell, not since I could walk, and now I am. I have to spend every Friday night with them in exchange for money for my daughter's school, and I'll never pay it back."
"Yes, you will," Rory says and Lorelai lets out a glum laugh.
"I wish. All my money goes on food, clothes, keeping a roof over our heads – pesky things like that."
"Right."
"Unless I win the lottery…."
"Hey, you never know, right?"
"I guess."
The women smile and Lorelai says, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offload all that stuff about my mom and dad."
"It's okay." Rory drinks some coffee and hesitantly asks, "Are the Friday night dinners really horrible?"
"Which level of hell are we talking about?" Lorelai deadpans. She sips her coffee, sighs and says, "It's not all bad, I guess. I didn't mean to cut them off so entirely when I left home. I guess it's nice to see them more…that is when I don't feel like I'm at a flagellation. And the food is really amazing."
"The most important thing."
"Exactly. And Rory really likes going over there."
"She does?" Rory asks cautiously and Lorelai nods.
"She downplays it a little but I know she does. I never wanted her to be part of that world, that rich world, but she seems to like it – more than I did, anyway."
"I guess she hasn't seen the downsides," Rory guesses and Lorelai nods.
"Yeah. I hope it stays that way. And it's great that she's bonding with her grandparents."
Lorelai sounds a little sad and Rory bites her lip, unsure if Lorelai is going to finish her thought. Her mother sighs, looks at her cup and says, "I guess I figured when I ran from that world, she'd be running with me."
"Maybe that's why she downplays it," Rory says carefully. "Because she doesn't want to feel like she's betraying you."
"God, I don't want her to feel like that," Lorelai says, clenching her cup. "I want her to have a good relationship with them. She should have a good relationship with them."
Lorelai sounds almost jealous. Rory feels weird. She knew her mother never loved going back there, can remember all the songs and dances (literally speaking) in an attempt to find an excuse not to, but she never remembered Lorelai being this conflicted. She knew she downplayed for her mother but never knew her mother downplayed for her. Rory drinks some coffee as she tries to absorb this.
"Do you wish you had that?" Rory finally risks to ask and Lorelai looks at her sharply. That was probably too personal for someone she thinks she just met, and quickly Rory says, "Sorry, not my business."
"No, it's okay," Lorelai says. "I don't wish I had that exactly…my parents and I are so different, our lives are so different, that I can't see us being close that way. I guess I just want my parents to be proud of me." She shakes her head, laughs, and adds, "Well, maybe not proud of me."
"Why not?"
"How can they be proud of me for getting pregnant at sixteen and running away?" Rory opens her mouth to argue but Lorelai says, "They can't be and I can't expect them to. I just wish…I wish we could find some middle ground. I wish they could understand that I was very young and I was very unhappy and needed to be someplace else. And I know it hurt them and I should have called more but I wish they understood that. And I wish I could say I'm sorry about cutting them out so strongly but I'm here now, I'm still their daughter, and we could try and move on."
"Do you think it will ever work out?"
"No," Lorelai says automatically and Rory laughs. Her mother is definitely as stubborn as she remembers.
"You didn't even consider it!"
"Trust me, Victoria. I've tried. I open my mouth and all my mother hears is blah blah blah Ginger."
"That's frustrating."
"You're telling me. It was bad when I was a kid but when I got pregnant…it was so hard on them," Lorelai sighs. "It was the only time they ever looked small to me, my mom and dad. I really let them down."
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks. Families, huh?"
"Families," Rory agrees. She tries to smile but she feels sad and Lorelai says, "Hey, it's okay. I didn't mean to freak you out – I'm sorry."
"No, it's just – I don't know how to tell my mom," Rory says, the weirdness of that sentence hitting her as she looks at Lorelai. "She'll be so disappointed."
"Do you get along?"
"She's my best friend," Rory says automatically. "I mean, when I was a kid we were so close."
"Sounds like me and my daughter," Lorelai remarks and Rory nods. She remembers feeling like she only made sense with her mother there, freaking out that first night at Yale. How could she be Rory without Lorelai?
"She wanted so much for me," Rory says, throat tight. "She wanted me to have everything she didn't and now…I just threw it all away."
"I'm sure she doesn't think that."
"How would you feel if your daughter got pregnant?" Rory dares to ask and Lorelai lets out a shocked laugh.
"Rory? Are you kidding? The kid grounded herself for not returning a library book."
"It's not impossible though, right?" Rory shoots back. "What would you say to her?"
Lorelai shakes her head, standing up. "She's a good girl. She isn't me."
"She could still make a mistake."
"Rory doesn't make mistakes," Lorelai retorts and Rory represses an urge to laugh. The mistakes she's made run through her mind: sleeping with Dean, stealing a yacht, dropping out of school and a little over a year from now she'll miss her mother's graduation. Not that Lorelai would believe any of that. Rory wouldn't believe it either, if someone told her all that at sixteen. Instead, she attempts to say, "Everyone screws up," only for Lorelai to shake her head.
"Rory doesn't," Lorelai says forcefully. "She's smart and she never even made time for guys – hell, she's only just started seeing a guy and it's like an after school special! She told me she doesn't even know if he's her boyfriend yet. She walks around with a book in her hand and a halo over her head! It's not going to happen and if it does preferably it will be when I'm in a nursing home!"
"That's a lot of pressure," Rory says and Lorelai's eyes narrow.
"Excuse me, but I know her better than you do. And she came out that way."
"Maybe that's because she knows messing up will hurt you. Because she knows her birth was a mistake. She feels like a do-over."
Lorelai is staring at her and Rory can't tell if she's silent from anger or disbelief. Rory felt that pressure for years but never told Lorelai, never wanted her to feel bad. Rory exhales, trying to find an explanation for her outburst.
"It's just," Rory says, heart beating. "I just meant…my mom expected a lot from me as a kid, that's all. My dad wasn't in the picture, it was just us, and I loved our life, I did, but I know how hard it was for my mom. And when I made a mistake I always felt like it was this massive deal because I wasn't supposed to screw up. She didn't mean to pressure me but she did. It was hard. And now…now I've screwed up and I don't know what to say to her."
Lorelai's expression moves from angry to concerned. Slowly, she sits back down and says, "That's tough."
"Yeah."
Lorelai lets out a breath, staring ahead and says, "I don't want my kid to feel like her birth was a mistake."
"But you told me how hard it was. She knows that."
"There's things I regret, but I wouldn't do it over. I have a good life and she's my best friend."
"I'm sure she knows," Rory says quickly. "But she knows it isn't easy either."
"It's not her job to worry about stuff like that."
"She still does. I mean, I did."
Lorelai sighs and slowly Rory adds, "I know how much my mom loved me though."
"What about your dad?" Lorelai asks. "You said he's not around?"
"Nope. He'd call every week or so, when he wasn't changing his number, and I'd see him at Christmas sometimes, but we're not close."
"Sounds familiar."
"Yeah. He let me down in a big way when I was a teenager and then I was kind of done with him, I guess."
"I'm sorry."
"Thanks."
"I wish Christopher could get it together," Lorelai says, frustrated. "That's Rory's dad."
"I know – I mean, I figured."
"We were best friends growing up," Lorelai says. "We both laughed at our crazy rich parents and had a deal that when we hit eighteen we were going to get out of town and run away to Europe. He knocked me up at sixteen instead."
"And your parents wanted you to get married?"
"Yeah. Christopher was going to go along with it, but I couldn't. We were so young and I know it wouldn't have worked out."
Her mother's voice is sad and Rory carefully asks, "Do you think it was a mistake?"
"What, not getting married? No. Christopher did what he always said he would – left town, travelled around and isn't tied down anywhere. He's never even visited Stars Hollow."
"Right," Rory says softly, remembering her father's visit which is yet to happen and Lorelai goes on,
"You know, when he calls or when I see him, which is maybe once a year, he says all this stuff, like how he still loves me and can't we give it a shot?"
"Do you want to?"
"No," Lorelai says automatically and then shakes her head, exhaling. "That's a lie. Part of me will always love him. And if he could get it together, grow up, then maybe we could really be a family. But he won't. I know him. Christopher wants the idea of a family – the pretty picture of a wife and daughter – but not the actual reality of it. He barely knows Rory. He's more of a friend than her father. God, I hate that."
"I hate it too," Rory says in a small voice. This isn't anything she didn't already know but somehow it hurts more to hear her mother say it.
"I get so mad at him," Lorelai adds with a shaky laugh. "Sometimes I want to tell Rory that, but I can't. It's not fair to her – I've left the door open for Chris. So far he's never used it."
"Neither did my dad," Rory says and Lorelai puts a hand on her arm. "I used to sit around as a kid waiting for him to show up and then, when I was older, he started showing up."
"Really?"
"Yeah. But then I didn't even want to know him. It's like what you said…he didn't really know me. He was only my father when he felt like it."
"That's really unfair. To you, I mean."
"Yeah. I had my mom though."
The women sit in silence for a moment until Rory shakily says, "I'm not scared to tell my dad I'm pregnant, I'm hardly even thinking about, but I'm really scared to tell my mom. I'm thirty-two and I feel like I'm sixteen. Isn't that pathetic?"
"Not pathetic. You care about her opinion."
"I really don't want to hurt her," Rory says and a tear leaks from her eye.
"For what it's worth, your mom is still going to love you," Lorelai says. "I know my mom still loves me and she's Emily Gilmore."
Rory laughs at that and Lorelai continues, "If something like that happened to my kid there's nothing that could stop me loving her. I would always be there for her."
"Really?" Rory asks in a small voice and Lorelai nods.
"I'd be mad as hell at her and as for the guy….let's just say dull hedge clippers would be involved."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. Well."
"Would you be mad at her for hurting you?" Rory asks nervously and Lorelai sighs, clutching her empty cup.
"Maybe a little but I'd be more mad at the situation. I'd be mad that she'd have to deal with this big, scary thing."
"And that she'd ruin her life?"
"It wouldn't ruin her life," Lorelai says, looking at her. "It would be hard and she'd have to make a tough decision but it wouldn't ruin it. I wouldn't let it. And she's strong."
"Yeah," Rory says softly. "I don't always feel as strong as her – my mom, I mean."
"You'll figure it out," Lorelai says. "I did."
Rory nods and Lorelai says, "Anyway, my point is that she'd still be my kid. She'd still be my girl. We'd figure it out together. We'd be strong together."
"Thanks," Rory says and, without thinking, she puts her arms around Lorelai and hugs her. Lorelai seems surprised but hugs her back until Rory breaks away, embarrassed.
"Sorry. I guess that was hormones or something."
"No big deal."
"Can I ask…?" Lorelai looks at Rory expectantly who takes a deep breath and says, "What would you want her to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, would you want her to have it?"
Lorelai is silent for a moment and then says, "I'd want her to do what was best for her. I couldn't decide that."
"Okay," Rory says, letting out a breath, and Lorelai asks knowingly, "Did that help?"
"I don't know if I want the baby or not," Rory says slowly. "I don't know what to do."
"It'll work out, Victoria," Lorelai says firmly. "I know it will, whatever you decide."
Rory wishes she felt as sure. "I'm a mess," she says bitterly, tucking her hair behind her ears.
"You're a mess?" Lorelai laughs. "I'm a mess 90% of the time."
"No, you're not," Rory says in disbelief. She never imagined Lorelai ever saw herself that way. "Look at your life here – you run an inn and you go to school and you look after your kid."
"I do those things because I have to."
"You still do them," Rory argues and Lorelai smiles, shrugging.
"I guess. I'm not so good at things which I don't have to do. I still feel like that sixteen-year-old sometimes."
"So do I," Rory admits and Lorelai looks at her gently.
"I only just met you, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. You have a job and a life in New York and you ended a bad relationship."
"I was with that guy way too long. He was engaged to someone else."
"You still ended it."
"Yeah, and now I'm pregnant."
"It's a detour, not a dead-end," Lorelai says firmly. "Maybe that's a little cheesy but you get my point – it's what you do next that counts. How do you handle the screw-up?"
"I don't know," Rory says helplessly and Lorelai smiles.
"You'll figure it out."
Rory manages to smile back and Lorelai stands up.
"I have to get back to the Inn."
The women walk slowly through Stars Hollow until parting ways at the gazebo.
"This was fun," Lorelai says and Rory smiles.
"Yeah, it was. Thanks, Lorelai," she says, just stopping the name Mom and Lorelai smiles back.
"See you around. And hey, I mean it, Victoria – you'll figure it out."
"Thanks," Rory says, letting out a breath. "See you around."
Her mother waves, walking away and Rory sinks onto the gazebo steps. You'll figure it out. She might be starting to believe it. Rory looks out at the town, taking in every detail. She wants to remember all of it, even if it is a dream. She looks and looks, exhaling the world, before getting to her feet. It's still early in this day, this afternoon, but Rory is exhausted. She sees the movie theatre is open and purchases a ticket, amused that the price hasn't risen much in so many years since.
Some old version of Alice in Wonderland is playing. Sinking down into the seat, Rory's eyelids flutter closed. She's tired – she's so tired - and the last words Rory remembers hearing are who am I today?
She wakes up in her old room. This time, the room reflects the surroundings of the year it should be – there are posters Rory remembers putting up in college and the paper flowers she had on the desk are gone. For a moment, Rory feels a stab of nostalgia for her old self. Getting up, she catches her reflection and then stops. The silver moon and stars are gone from her face.
Going to the doctor confirms what Rory is already sure of; she is definitely pregnant. She thought she had processed the shock already but it's still a little scary to hear. She doesn't tell Lorelai when she goes home. She goes to see her father instead but doesn't tell him either. Instead, she tries one last time to talk to him, to hear his side – does he feel he missed out, by not being her father? Is he sorry? Christopher stumbles, saying something about how he was never going to be part of it – it wasn't in the cards – and Rory lets it go. Somehow she knows that her mother was right, that if they had got married it wouldn't have worked out, and she wants to laugh when her father insists he was never going to be involved. Did you try? Rory wants to ask. Or did you only want to be my dad when you thought you had a chance with Mom? She doesn't say this though. Instead, she leaves. Her father is weak but it doesn't mean she can't be strong.
Lorelai gets married shortly after and Rory laughs out loud at the Alice in Wonderland theme. Coincidence or magic? She still isn't going to say anything, not today, but as she gazes out at Stars Hollow, the safest world she knows, Rory finds herself saying, "Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm pregnant."
Somehow it was easier to say than Rory imagined, maybe thanks to saying it in her dream – her journey? – but as Lorelai stares at her, mouth open, Rory knows she's dropped a bomb.
"You're pregnant?" Lorelai exclaims in disbelief. "How?" and then, with a small laugh, "Well, I know how. Who?"
"Logan."
"But you broke up with him!"
"We had one last night together," Rory admits and her mother groans, closing her eyes.
"Oh, Rory. Dammit, how could you be so irresponsible?"
"It was an accident," Rory says and Lorelai retorts, "Well, I kind of got that."
"Mom, I'm sorry," Rory says steadily. "I am – I know that doesn't fix it, but I am, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you with this."
"You have."
"I know." Mother and daughter look at each other until Rory slowly asks, "Why are you mad?"
"What?"
"Tell me what you're thinking."
"God, Rory," Lorelai says, staring at her. "Where do you want me to start?"
"Anywhere."
"Okay. I think you were reckless, didn't think this through and I wanted more for you."
Rory nods, feeling a lump in her throat and Lorelai lets out an angry sigh.
"I never wanted you to deal with this."
"Because I'm your do-over?"
"No!" Lorelai says forcefully. "Because you're smart and amazing and I want you to have the whole world! I never wanted this for you!"
"I made a mistake," Rory agrees. "I messed up, but I really didn't want to let you down. That's what's scaring me."
A flicker passes across Lorelai's eyes, perhaps memory, perhaps understanding, and she says slowly, "That's what scaring you?"
Rory shrugs and then Lorelai's arms are around her.
"Listen," she says. "I'm mad at you and I'm still trying to process this but I'm here, okay? I'm right here. Forget about letting me down."
"I have. I know I have."
"Rory."
"Everything was starting to get figured out," Rory says, feeling ready to cry. "And now this."
"We can figure this out."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Her mother's hair is tickling Rory's neck as she says again, "It's okay."
Rory nods, sniffling, and Lorelai asks gently, "Do you know what you want to do?"
"I might have the baby," Rory says slowly. "I think I can do it."
"Of course you can do it," Lorelai says, looking into her daughter's eyes. "But do you want to do it? You can make a different choice than I did."
"I know I can," Rory says. "Maybe I will – I haven't decided for sure."
"I'm here," Lorelai says seriously. "Whatever you decide, you know I'm here."
"I know."
"You'll be a great mom, if that's what you want," Lorelai says gently. "You know that, right?"
"I know," Rory says and she does know. A kind of confidence has settled on her, a peace taking the blank fear from before. "I'm still thinking about it though."
"You'll make the right choice," Lorelai says, squeezing her hand. "The right choice for you, I mean."
"I know that too," Rory says, and she does. She smiles at Lorelai and her mother smiles back, kissing her cheek.
"You're my girl," she says and Rory leans against her shoulder. "My brave girl."
"I'm brave because of you," Rory says and Lorelai looks at her.
"Because of me but because of you too. You've always been brave."
"We're brave together," Rory says and Lorelai nods, laughing. They look out at the new morning and Rory feels the times collide.
