Part 2
Oh the Horror!
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: Blah, Blah, Blah, I own nothing, except for original characters.
However, the Physics Police were an idea of a friend of mine.
* * * *
For the second time in fifteen minutes, Ralph was hurtling through the
emptiness between dimensions. For the Idaho born janitor, it was experience
unlike any in his fairly short life. There was the simultaneous sensation of
hot and cold, as well as pleasure and pain. He and Sergeant Phil of the Physics
Police were moving at several times the speed of sound, although to Ralph it
felt like he was gently floating. Also, he and his companion were robbed of all
color. They were an odd combination of white and black. Around them was a
vortex. It was mostly red, with an odd spiral of sparking white light moving
along it at a regular interval. And before he knew it, his freefall ended. With
great force, he slammed face first into a foamy surface. Such was his velocity
that he skipped like a rock across a pond. Phil hit feet first, bending his
knees upon impact to absorb the shock.
Ralph turned to Phil. "What happened? Where am I?"
"We just went to home base, and you are in a world of trouble." The
Policeman pointed over Ralph's shoulder. The confused janitor spun around and
almost fainted.
Before him was the single largest structure he had ever seen. For somebody who
had never left Podunk, Idaho, this was not a difficult accomplishment. However,
the building before him was larger than most continents.
It was a bright pink and extended above the clouds. What Ralph noticed was that
those clouds were green, and the sky the same red and white color as the
vortex. Mounted upon the building was a P approximately the size of Rhode
Island. To the right and slightly above it was a 2.
"P2?"
"It is P squared, you moron. Get it? Physics Police?"
"Oh."
The lost janitor nearly wet himself when Phil snapped on a pair of handcuffs.
"OK, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and will
be provided one if you cannot afford it. You also have the right to wear frilly
pink underwear and smear peanut butter on your face. And I wouldn't suggest
moving your hands, or else you'll get a nasty burn."
Ralph held his arms rigid and decided to change the subject. "Speaking of
pink, what's with the building?"
"It came that way, and there isn't enough paint in your entire dimension
to cover it. Come along."
"But wait! What did I do?'
"You are charged with owning a interdimensional transport, traveling to
another dimension and talking to denizens of that dimension without the
necessary licenses."
Ralph continued to protest as he was led into the building.
* * * * *
"OK Chief, this one is your problem. What's my next assignment?"
"Vegeta has crossed into universe PKM-023-AIAD-1."
Phil's face contorted into an angry scowl. "Aw! I hate that place! Damned
electric rats and fire lizards! And that Ketchum kid! Oi!" Just then, an
older man walked past. He wore a uniform identical to Phil's, had shoulder
length blonde hair and was whistling a happy ditty. He resembled Fabio, except
he was less muscular. He was just back from a relaxing vacation on Tatooine,
despite the fact that it was Phil's day off.
Phil faced his commander. "Where's Warren going?"
"Research and development wants him to test a new sports drink."
Taking a folder in his hands, Phil stomped off, muttering about lucky bastards
and aspirin.
Ralph felt greatly relieved when the man left. This new officer seemed a bit
calmer. He was around 50, with a pleasant face. His hair and mustache were
completely gray, and he looked like a pudgy Alex Trebec. "I'm Chief
O'Connor, primary manager assigned to sub sector 8, sector 3. And you
are?"
"Confused."
"Well, Confused, let me enlighten you. As Phil explained, you have been
arrested for two counts of breaking dimensional barriers without a license and
one count of interacting with denizens of a foreign dimension without our
permission. He never gets the wording right. Also, the machine you used
violates volumes of interdimensional safety laws."
"What, the microwave?"
He nodded, comprehending the situation. "Did you make that
'microwave'?"
"Uh. No."
"Where did you get it?"
"I was going by Wally and Eddy's lab and it flew out the window. I thought
it would be a good surprise for the wife."
O'Connor began scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Wally and Eddy, you
say?" The janitor nodded. "Would you happen to live or work near
Podunk, Idaho?" He nodded again. His mood changed from contemplative to
frustrated. O'Connor began to massage his temples. "Not this again!
Stewart!"
An aide appeared from nowhere and saluted. "Yes, Chief?"
"Didn't we tell those two to knock it off after they vaporized one of
Jupiter's moons with that 'laser printer'?"
"Uh, yes sir."
"Explain."
"They keep forgetting. We send a few agents every week or so. They promise
to stop every time, but can't remember what they agreed five minutes ago."
"Tattoo it on their hands or spray paint it on their wall. In fact, do
both! Now!"
"Yes sir!" Stewart disappeared into the sea of cubicles.
"Now, Ralph, it really isn't your fault. You're probably wondering where
you are, and how you got there."
"That sums it up nicely, sir."
"The structure we are in is older than most universes. Particles in the
walls and floor have been dated at approximately 500 billion years old. We
don't know who built it or why. A few thousand years ago, the founders of the
Physics Police came from an unknown universe. Although many of the records were
destroyed during their journey, those that survive indicate that it was a
peaceful place, possessing the technology to travel at the speed of light, cure
all disease and build incredibly stable worm holes. We use much their technology
to this day."
"Why did they leave?"
"Apparently, they were fleeing a tyrannical regime of immense power. Upon
arriving, they destroyed all data involving the coordinates of their home
dimension."
"They traveled to a parallel universe, then they made sure they couldn't
go back. Why?"
"To ensure that future generations wouldn't destroy themselves attempting
to battle the invaders. According to legend, the tyrants came from a universe
beyond our ability to find. Thus, having seen the ravages that had been wrought
on their home by invaders from anther dimension, they pledged to stop it from
happening elsewhere. Thus the Physics Police were formed."
"Physics Police Headquarters, as we call it, has millions sensor boards,
each capable of monitoring any spot in the multitude of universes. Within this
structure are various manufacturing plants. We are completely self sufficient,
with levels devoted to agriculture and housing. Several generations have been
born and died without ever leaving. We also have good number of aliens
too." As if punctuate what he said, a Wookie walked past the cubicle
entrance holding a mug that said, "I hate Tuesdays too."
Ralph stammered, "Was that a... a... a...?"
"Yes."
"That reminds me: why do I keep seeing all of this fictitious stuff? I saw
the Sailor Scouts a few hours ago, and that Wookie, and Luna was talking about
Saiyans like they were real."
"There is a fundamental truth about the universe you must realize. There
is no fiction."
"Huh?"
"All authors and writers are simply gifted with the ability to see
visions. They can tell about the past, present and future of other dimensions.
Most people who claim to see any of the future of their own universe are liars
and swindlers. A few, like the Jedi or Sailor Mars, are accurate, but most
aren't."
Ralph was having a hard time absorbing this. "So, Darth Vader is
real?"
"Yes."
"The X-Men?"
"Yes."
"Barney the Dinosaur?"
"Well, technically, he exists in all dimensions. He and various other
children's show stars occupy the fifth circle of hell. If you were very bad in
life, you become part of his backyard gang." Both men shuddered violently
at that.
"So, everything is real?"
"Well, not fanfiction. That's all made up."
"Wait; that would mean that..."
"Don't think about it."
"Why not?"
"Ensign Smith, get in here!"
A man in a red uniform came in. "Yes sir?"
"Think about the fact that you're in a fanfiction."
"Yes, sir." He paused. "OK, I am in a fanfiction, fanfictions
are not real, therefore..." He disappeared in puff of smoke.
"And that is why we don't think about it."
"Why is the sky the same color as the portal?"
"The planet we're on was either built in or moved to the space between
dimensions. We are essentially in a huge wormhole. Again, we have no idea who did
it or why."
"So, why aren't you just sending me home? I don't see why I'm even
here."
"Like I told you, your 'microwave' there violates hundreds of safety laws.
Because you wanted casserole, the very fabric of reality is at risk. Our
machines, in layman's terms, gently open a portal, and they only hold it open
for a minute. On the other hand, this device rips a jagged gash in the
universe, shoves you through it, and it doesn't close. Also, it sets off a
chain reaction. Your hole caused two to open, which caused four more, and so
on. As the chaos increases, the barriers between the dimensions will fall,
creating one unified dimension. However, the rules governing each world are too
different. Some are like yours, but in most the laws governing reality are more
flexible. The laws of physics will lose their power. In about one earth year
after that, all matter in the universe will start to randomly lose and gain
subatomic particles. A simple oxygen molecule could become uranium in under a
second, releasing deadly radiation. Imagine the effects on more complex
compounds. Like life forms. We don't have enough agents to handle all of the
tears. To be frank, we need you."
"Is this why you sent Phil away?"
"Yes."
* * *
"Look Vegeta, let's talk about this."
"NO! I don't recognize your authority, you weakling! You're going to back
off, or the rodent gets it!"
Ash Ketchum, Misty and Brock all stood a good distance away. All were shocked,
but the Pokemon trainer from Pallet was openly weeping. "P- pikachu!"
"Pika." it moaned weakly. The electric rat was being held by the
scruff of its neck, and occasionally the Saiyan would strike it. Pikachu was
covered in bruises and minor burns.
Phil sighed. I guess in his universe, he hasn't reformed yet. Good.
"OK, Vegeta put down the rat. This is your last chance."
"Never!"
"All righty then. Kaio-ken!" Sergeant Phil was enveloped by a red
aura. Faster than even Vegeta could track, Phil snatched Pikachu from Vegeta's
hands and put it into Ash's. The glow around his body ceased. Panting, he said,
"Get out of here, kid! Take that Pikachu to a Pokemon center!"
Tears in his eyes, Ash said, "Thank you! This means so much to me!"
"Don't thank me! Run!" Ash, Brock and Misty complied.
Vegeta looked at his hand, then a Phil. His eyes were wide with shock.
"How did you learn Kakorot's attack?"
"Still think I'm a weakling? We Physics Policemen are just full of
surprises."
Vegeta began to sweat. "What do you want?"
"Look, my orders are to defuse this situation. If you like, I can get you
back home. Or just to your destination. Where were you going, anyways?"
"None of your business, human!"
Phil let out a sigh. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You
just picked the hard way. Kaio-Ken!" Again enveloped in a red aura, Phil
punched Vegeta seventeen times before he felt the first blow. Sweat ran down
his face and he was breathing heavily. "Had enough? Now, how about telling me what I want to
know?"
Vegeta collapsed in a heap. After a few
seconds, he managed to rise to his feet, although it was a little shaky. "If you must know, I was on my way to
Namek. However, I prefer this place. The people are so weak that I can dominate
them easily! Those little rats are irritating, but I can defeat them easily
enough. Now, I suggest you leave. You couldn't use that cheap technique again
to save your life!"
Phil gasped when he realized that Vegeta was right. Then he smirked.
"Wanna' bet? I have weapons you couldn't imagine."
"No weapon can defeat the Prince of Saiyans!" To illustrate this, he
powered up and shot like a bullet towards the Physics Policeman. From his pocket, Phil pulled out what looked
like a remote control. Completely calm
and collected, he pressed a button near the top of the device. A dome of green energy surrounded him. When
Vegeta entered it, he found himself unable to fly. Carried by sheer momentum, he placed a normal punch into the
armored vest under Phil's uniform. Then they collided. Phil staggered
backwards, while Vegeta screamed in pain and clutched his broken hand. With
venom in his eyes, he looked up at Phil. "What did you do?"
With a smug grin on his face, Phil dangled the device just out of Vegeta's
reach. "This is called the Reality Checker. It strictly enforces the laws
of physics within a ten-foot radius regardless of which universe you're in. You
lose." He pulled out a small box. He placed in Vegeta's undamaged hand.
"That is a one-use dimensional transporter. Think about your ship, and
you'll be there. Don't try thinking of anywhere else. We can watch your every
movement and my supervisor would be most unhappy if we wasted a perfectly good
dimensional transporter. You have about enough distance between your ship and
Namek to heal en route, but don't push it. Oh, and by the way: you are the weakest
link. G'Bye." Still glaring daggers at Phil, the self-appointed Prince of
all Saiyans disappeared into nothingness.
Phil pressed a button on his wristwatch. "Beam me up, Scotty!"
A tiny voice responded, "I told you! I'm Irish!"
With that, Phil was sucked into a wormhole.
* * *
Back in the Physics Police headquarters, Ralph was scratching his head and
turned to face O'Connor. "Where did Phil learn the Kaio-Ken?"
"No, he has never met King Kai. You see, in most universes, there exists
an energy field that unifies all life. The designations for each universe type
reflect this."
"A class C universe uses Chi. These dimensions are characterized by
superhuman abilities that enhance strength, speed and endurance. Examples are
Tenchi Muyo and Dragon Ball universes. Then there is class M, for manna. The
powers of the inhabitants tend towards magic, both offensive and defensive.
You've visited one of the Sailor Moon worlds, so you get the idea. A class T
universe is one in which the energy fields are too weak to support any advanced
physical or mental powers. These dimensions use technical knowledge to
compensate. Finally, there are F universes, which are a fusion of any or all of
the above types. Most dimensions are F classes, but we tend to refer to them by
the dominant type of energy. The inhabitants of each universe usually adapt to
draw upon their own energy fields, which is the reason you find so few wizards
in Dragon Ball Z and no Super Saiyans in Harry Potter."
"Our officers are drawn from a variety of sources, so we run the full
gamut, from normal beings to full fledged mages. Each is in charge of their own
path. Phil prefers the direct approach, so he specializes in super martial
arts. He's been training since he was a child, so his powers are very advanced.
This is the first time he actually used the Kaio-Ken technique, which is why he
is so drained. You saw what happened back there. Still feel up to the
job?"
"Well, no. I'm just a janitor from Podunk. However, the first thing a
janitor learns is that if you make a mess, you clean it up. I'll help you
however I can."
"Actually, you're very useful. You have sufficient knowledge of enough
story lines that you can make educated decisions. Also, according to our
records, you have a brown belt in karate, which you can use if you do have any
special gifts."
"First, you need something to warm up with. Let's check the
hotspots." O'Connor turned to his monitor. He picked a lower priority
assignment. Yes, this will do nicely. "Good luck Ralph. Get your gear from
Phil when he gets back, and then report to teleportation bay 3. Tell them Jack
sent you."
Thus began the most interesting adventure in Ralph's life.
End Part Two
