Part 3
Morons and Senshi and Zerg, Oh My!
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: If I owned everything or anything mentioned, why would I waste my
time posting it here?
* * * * * *
Phil was shocked. Less than six hours ago, he had arrested Ralph the janitor.
While he had gone to kick Vegeta's Saiyan butt, this guy had been promoted to
Physics Deputy. And placed under Phil's control. O'Connor hates me. "OK,
look kid, we're giving you a milk run to show you the ropes. In your universe,
there seems to be some kind of disturbance around Elvis' old house in
Nashville. Here is your gear. Audit gun, Reality Checker, light armor plating
for your chest and stomach, helmet, Deputy Badge, list of Miranda Rights, a few
one use dimensional transporters, and your key to the snack bar. Now go get
changed!"
"Yes sir!"
About five minutes later, Ralph exited the locker room. He was dressed in a
uniform identical to Phil's except in one detail: it was bright pink. It was a
test to see how devoted the new recruits were to the Physics Police Force.
Because of the uniform, many quit the first day. In recent years, it had led to
a higher percentage of female recruits.
Suppressing his laughter, Phil led Ralph to the transporter room. "Hey,
this is just like the Enterprise's!"
"Yes, well, let's just say that O'Connor's a Trekkie. Other transporter
rooms look different. Now get on!"
"Wait, what about guns? The Chief said I got guns!"
"Only if you need 'em. Which you won't. G'Bye."
Ralph screamed as he was sucked into the red and white wormhole.
* * *
Nashville, Tennessee: Our Universe
As the sun rose, Carol Jacobs greeted the morning the way she did every day:
"Damn. It wasn't a nightmare." For the past four weeks, she and her
husband, Joe, had occupied the same tiny tent, sleeping on the same leaky air
mattress, all in hopes of seeing "the King." Joe awoke, greeting his
wife. "Hey there, pretty momma, when's breakfast?"
"Look, Joe, we need to talk about this. We've been here for four long
weeks, ever since you thought you saw Elvis at the Gas n' Grub. I came here to
humor you, and in that month have we seen Elvis? No! Get over it already!"
"I tell you, I saw the King!"
"Look, Joe, you need to realize something: Elvis has been dead for over 25
years!"
"No! It isn't true!"
"OK Joe, lets make a deal. If we don't see Elvis in five minutes, we're
gone. Starting... now!"
The husband and wife sat there. It was the longest five minutes of their lives,
with each second seeming to be an eternity. However, it did end.
"Joe, time's up! Let's go already."
"OK." He noticed some movement in the bushes. "Hey! It's the
King!"
"Now don't start that... huh?"
"Hey there pretty momma, when's breakfast?"
Carol was shocked. "Oh... my... God. It
is him!"
Joe was less sure, once he took a closer look at the stranger. The accent and
hairstyle were dead on. However, the King had never been a blonde, nor did had
his upper body been so muscular. Also, he wasn't wearing a cape.
"Who are you?"
"The name's Johnny Bravo." He posed and grunted. "Is she with
you?"
Both Joe and Carol dove screaming into their car got in and drove away as fast
as the ageing Volkswagen would allow.
With a glazed look on his face, Johnny watched them drive away. "Yeah,
whatever. Hey! Free jacket!" Picking up their tent and wrapping it around
himself, he grinned. "Plastic is in this season!"
Suddenly, a portal opened behind Johnny. He looked at the vortex of red and
white energy and said, "Christmas just comes earlier every year."
Ralph managed to land feet first this time. "Johnny Bravo? Some milk run.
OK, Mister Bravo, we're taking you home."
"No! I like it here! The chicks are cute and there are free jackets
everywhere!"
"You have to go home. Now."
Disappearing in a whirlwind of action, Johnny emerged a moment later in a white
gi. "You, sir, have angered the master of the Chipmunk karate technique!
Have at you!" With that, he leapt into the air in an attempted karate
kick. Ralph stepped left. The karate-king wannabe flew face first into a cement
wall. Shaking off his injury, Johnny stood up. "At last! A worthy
opponent! I can finally use my full potential! Super Johnny Schmaiyan
Power!"
For an instant, Ralph was worried as he considered the possibility of a
universe with a super powered Johnny. Then he realized that there was no change
in the moron's appearance. He breathed a sigh of relief.
"You're in trouble now! Kan-o-cans-or-somthin' attack!" He cupped his
hands and, predictably, nothing happened. "Zounds! This fiend has
developed a counter to my ultimate attack! I'll have to go to blows with
him!" He leapt into the air in an attempt to fly. He slammed into the
pavement. "He's even managed to stop my natural Schmaiyan flying
abilities! Then I must use my other powers!" He held up a pencil with
"Pop's Diner" written on it. "Sailor Johnny
Transformation!" After another whirl of action, Johnny's gi sported a few
ribbons.
"OK, evil demon Yo-Yo Ma guy, I, Sailor Johnny, shall defeat you in the
name of chicks everywhere! Johnny love and junk blast!" He pointed the
pencil at Ralph. Again, nothing. "I must use the imperial cherry-flavored
diamond of goodness!" He pulled a ring pop out of his pocket and placed it
on his finger. He gave it a lick. "Mmmmm, linty!"
Meanwhile, Ralph had figured out how to combat Johnny's stupidity. He stepped
forward and activated his Reality Checker. As Johnny came under the influence
of the green field, his face was smashed into the hard concrete. "Hey,
how'd ya do that?"
"You're legs wouldn't support a toddler, dipstick!"
"Can't get up! I'm paralyzed! Help!"
"If you go home, you can walk again. Also, I'll give you this
nickel."
"Sorry, not interested."
"It's shiny."
"Well why didn't you say so? Gimme!"
"OK, Johnny, think of home." As he said that, he handed Johnny one of
his dimensional transporters. "And tell your mother not to let you watch
any more Anime! You're a disgrace to fans everywhere!" As he disappeared,
Ralph thought to himself. How do I
get back? A voice came from his watch.
"Good work, Ralph. That was some fast thinking back there. Remember, this
is only going to get harder. From now on, radio us when you want to
return." A vortex appeared above Ralph's head.
* * *
Once again, the events of his life had led Phil to one conclusion: my life
sucks.
Under an hour ago, a Zerg brood had appeared in the Sailor Moon universe he had
visited the previous day. The insectoid aliens had begun to run amok in
downtown Tokyo. Although any one Zergling or Hydralisk was easy enough to deal
with, packs of a dozen or more roamed the streets. Phil had just come across
such a pack. Standard tactical doctrine for dealing with giant insects was the
use of fire. Unfortunately, his flamethrower had run out of fuel three groups
ago. His other weapons had proved virtually useless. The Zerg, having no income
of any sort, were immune to the audit gun. In addition, they violated no laws
of physics, making so that his reality checker would only hinder himself or any
allies in this universe. Their exoskeletons were too tough to penetrate with
normal guns, and he was out of grenades. Only his medium power armor and his
knowledge of the Kaio-ken had saved him.
The power armor itself mounted a few weapons. The laser mounted on his right
arm was effective, but it was hard to use at close range. Plus, its rate of fire
was too low to deal with multiple opponents. The armor itself was equipped with
a rocket pack, so he saved Chi from flying. Also, it provided enough power and
protection to go hand to hand with Zerglings and come out on top. He reserved
the Kaio-ken and other martial arts maneuvers for groups. However, even a
veteran Physics Policeman had his limits, as did his armor. It was only a
matter of time until either the armor gave in or he would collapse from
exhaustion.
What really galled him was that Warren was assigned to this disturbance as
well. However, while Phil was assigned to find whatever Cerebrate was
controlling the horde and take it out, Warren's job was to ensure that the
Sailor Scouts weren't hurt battling the Zerg. Although it was necessary to preserve
this universe's timeline, Phil was particularly upset that Warren had gotten
the better job. Again.
Less than two hours ago, I was in mortal combat with Vegeta. Now, I'm
fighting a horde of gigantic bugs. When I get back, I want more than a cup of
coffee and a senzu bean. Sleep seems like a good reward.
His ruminations were interrupted as a Zergling seemed to pop out of nowhere.
Using his rockets to get out of the Zergling's reach, onto the roof of a nearby
building, Phil began to scan for other Zerg. There was no sign of any more
bugs. However, the Zergling was running towards him, scaling the wall as if it
was level ground. Deciding to save his energy for larger groups, Phil grabbed a
small ball from his utility belt.
"Pokeball, go!"
The Zergling took the ball to the face and was sucked in. Falling to the street
below, the Pokeball wiggled three times, and the red light that served as the
clasp turned off. By some magic, the capturing device levitated to Phil's hand.
"These things are more useful than I thought." He made a victory sign
with his armor's enlarged fingers. "Alright! I caught Zergling!" He
switched the ball to its smaller size and put it back in his belt. "Enough
fooling around. Where is that Cerebrate?" He pulled out what appeared to
be a pokedex, but was in fact a scanner.
The proper energy signature was not to be found. The dark energy that powered
the Zerg was focused around Cerebrates, gigantic brain-like organisms capable
of running hundreds of Zerg simultaneously. The energy was to be found across
Tokyo because of the invading insects, but there wasn't enough in any one spot
to mark a Cerebrate. However, there were three smaller signatures. It could be
three younger cerebrates, but they would likely be clustered together for
safety. Then again, it could be something newer and deadlier.
Using his rockets, Phil leapt from rooftop to rooftop. He saw no more Zerg.
Using the scanner, he homed in on the nearest dark energy cluster. Upon
arriving, he saw a vaguely elephantine beast shredding a building. It stood
nearly three stories tall and had six legs. Insectoid mandibles sprouted from
its jaws, and it appeared to be eating the structure and its inhabitants.
"Can't have this. Destructo Disk!" Phil threw the jagged energy
Frisbee towards the Ultralisk. The disk sliced partway through its leg,
although the thick tissue stopped it. Phil was shocked. "That should have
cut all of its left legs off! Either I'm weaker than I thought, or... A hero
unit!"
Hero units, as they are called in strategy games, are units that serve as
special characters in a scenario. They are usually impossible to manufacture in
an actual game. The presence of such a unit indicated that whatever Zerg Brood
had been warped into this dimension was an important one.
"Torasque, I believe. So that's the power signature. Great. Just friggin'
great."
Enraged by the pain, Torasque twisted around. Its rear leg limped, but it
appeared otherwise undamaged. Roaring, it charged.
"Kaio-Ken!" Phil leapt over the beast and fired a barrage of chi
bolts at it. The thick skin of the Ultralisk absorbed the blasts. "Shit!" As
the red glow surrounding Phil dissipated, he realized he was in trouble. His morale
was plummeting. "I can't even hurt that damn thing, and I don't have the
energy to tackle it head on! How the hell am I supposed to take on a Cerebrate?
Damn that Warren and his babysitting! He gets all of the good jobs. Even when
we were cadets, the instructors liked him best! I'm worthless!" As his
diatribe continued, Phil could feel a power growing within him. What the...
Suddenly, Phil had an idea. He had seen this technique once during a trip to a
Ranma ½ universe. It fed on the pent up rage and sorrow of a person. A purple
aura surrounded him. He turned to a frightened old man lying on the ground next
to him.
"Insult me."
"Huh?"
"Just do it! Your fate depends on it!"
"Crazy Gaijin! We're all going to die, and you want me to insult you? Damn
idiot! You are worthless!"
"Oh yeah, that's the stuff!" The purple aura grew and became darker. Ready
as I'll ever be. "Die! Shi Shi Hakodan!"
The massive beam of purple light, fueled by years of anger and resentment,
smashed into the Ultralisk, vaporizing it where it stood. The beam continued
onwards toward the bay, and dissipated several miles out to sea.
Oddly enough, Phil didn't feel any fatigue after using the technique. I'm
bitterer than I thought. However, there was no time for self-reflection. A
pair of Hydralisks seemed to melt from the shadows. Distracted by his newfound
power, Phil failed to notice the pair of Zerg in time.
Each Hydralisk resembled a gigantic worm, with bladelike arms and a fanged maw
at one end. It lifted the front half of its body from the ground. Each reared
back to attack Phil. However, each was halted by a separate attack. One
exploded in a shower of gore as a missile slammed into it. The other was
distracted, as Flamenco music seemed to come from nowhere. Then, a rose slashed
at the exoskeleton covering its chest. The very shallow gouge was more painful
than damaging. By this time, Phil had spun around and fired his arm-mounted
laser. The beam set the Hydralisk ablaze, and it cried out in an inhuman scream
of agony. It collapsed when another rose flew in and stood erect in the middle
of its forehead. More by accident than design, the flower had found the alien's
brain stem.
Phil turned to face his saviors. Shrouded partially in shadow was the semi-
imposing figure of Tuxedo Mask. Nearby was a quartet of infantry. They were
clothed in battle armor similar to Phil's.
"Tuxedo Mask? Shouldn't you be off saving your girlfriend?"
He grinned sheepishly. "She wasn't too pleased that I didn't show up the
other day."
"If it will make you feel any better, that was very helpful. Now get out
of here before you get yourself killed."
"What?"
"Look, as much as you may deny it, the ability to throw flowers at your
opponents is not a terribly useful ability. You got very lucky, hitting those
weak spots. I refuse to take responsibility for your lack of superpowers."
"Throwing roses isn't my only ability! I'm mysterious, can seemingly melt
from shadows and I can cause that cool Spanish music to play whenever I
like."
"So could any kid with a hockey mask and a boom box. Now scram."
Grumbling to himself, Tux-Boy melted into the darkness.
Phil addressed the squad of infantry. "Identify yourself."
One of the armor clad men saluted. "Sir, I am Sergeant third class Jackson
of the Physics Militia, Sir!"
Phil nodded. The militia had been founded on planets that had few or unreliable
super heroes. The universe they were in counted as both. They were as well
equipped as the Physics Police, and answered directly to the Police. Phil noted
that one of the troopers was reloading his man-portable short-range missile
launcher.
"What were you doing here? And you don't have to address me as sir."
"Sir, we were tracking that energy signal you just destroyed, Sir! And
might I say Sir, nicely done, Sir!"
"Thanks, and don't call me sir!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Don't call me Sir! I feel like Peppermint Patty, for God's sake." He
quickly glanced at his scanner. "I only see one significant signature left
on the board, so that leaves only one option left for the Cerebrates' location.
Move out, attack pattern alpha."
"Yes, Sir!"
"God help me."
End Part Three
First of all, I wish to apologize to any Yo Yo Ma fans, and to Yo Yo Ma
himself. It was simply the only word I could think of that sounded like youma.
Note: For more info on the Zerg, check out the Computer Game Star Craft.
