Part 7:
A Match Made in Hell
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: You should know by now.
When we last left Phil, Ralph and Sailor Planet X, they were lumped together to
form special unit 5 (SU5).
Einstein was correct: time is relative. Although only a week has passed since
the Zerg invasion in the Sailor Moon universe, nearly half a year has gone by
for SU5. In that time, they have developed a reputation as an elite unit. Phil
has grown stronger in his Chi power, with an approximate power level of 50,000
as opposed to his previous 15,000. Ralph is a mid- level mage, and has learned
a few Jedi tricks. However, he limits his reliance on the Force to avoid the
temptations of the Dark Side. Sailor Planet X, after long months and heated
debates, has finally acknowledged that she was not one of the original Silver
Millennium warriors. However, she has basic abilities in magic and Chi, both of
which have developed significantly. She has taken the nickname
"Ecks."
The universal collapse predicted by O'Connor was mostly avoided. A few
universes have ceased to exist, but more on that later. However, wormholes
between dimensions have become more frequent, a possible aftereffect of Ralph's
microwave.
We find SU5 in a familiar cantina on the planet Tatooine in universe
SW-T6-5AN-LU. They are currently engaged in a card game of some sort. To Phil's
left were Han Solo and man in a yellow and black jumpsuit that was trying to
look down Ecks' shirt.
Ralph suddenly threw four computerized chips into the stabilizing field in the
middle of the table. "Sabaac!"
Sabaac, a combination of poker and blackjack, is played throughout the various
Star Wars universes. Basically, one attempts to get a score of 23 in either
positive or negative. What makes the game challenging is that the chips in a
deck randomly change. What may be a score of 22 one second could randomly morph
into a 5. Once one puts the chips within the stabilizing field, they are fixed.
If nobody gets 23, the highest score wins.
The other players threw down their chips in disgust. Ralph raked in a small
pile of credit chips. Phil began to shuffle again. "So, Kirk, you still
in?" They had "borrowed" the captain after a transporter
malfunction. He would soon return and tell the crew of his odd visit to a
parallel world.
The man was distracted from his efforts to get an eyeful. "Your game…
intrigues me. Although… the Federation places no value on… material wealth… I
feel this strange... need... to continue."
"Looks like we got ourselves an addict. What about you, Solo?"
"Sure, I have credits to burn. But make it quick. I just made this deal to
take a couple of suckers to Alderaan for 17 thousand. One easy job and I can
pay Jabba off. Then I can finally get back to my life." Phil and Ralph
both smirked at this. Ecks took this in stride, mainly because they always
seemed to know something nobody else did. As Phil passed out the chips, Ralph
attempted to use the Force to foresee the near future. He foresaw a loss for
himself, so he folded.
Han turned to Phil. "It's weird. It's like he only plays when he knows
he'll win. If I hadn't checked him myself, I would say he was cheating."
He tossed a couple of credit chips into the growing pot. Ecks, Kirk and Phil
did the same. After taking another chip, Phil had to restrain himself. An
idiot's array! It consisted of three chips, a 0, a 2 and a 3. When read,
they make 23, much like a stupid person would add 2 and 3. It was the most
decisive hand in Sabaac. Now to milk it for all it's worth.
Unfortunately, it was at this exact second that Phil's pager beeped. He picked
it up and looked at it. He cursed in fluent Huttese. "Ralph, Ecks, grab
Kirk and lets get out of here. Our ride's coming out back." He left the
large pot behind in his rush. Han simply grinned to himself and raked it in.
* * * * *
SU5 burst into O'Connor's cubicle. Phil was dressed as he had always been, with
a green police uniform and his army helmet. Ralph had traded in his pink suit
for a simple, brown robe. A lightsaber dangled from his belt. Ecks hadn't
changed her black Sailor Fuku, despite Phil's complaint that it wasn't
practical. All three saluted.
The Alex Trebec look-alike acknowledged them. "At ease. Take a seat."
They did so. "This is quite possibly your most vital mission yet." He
handed Phil an envelope. "You have to move quickly, so listen up. I got a
message a few moments ago. The code indicates that it's from the future. It
says that it is vital that you ensure the Gohan and Usagi get together."
Ralph's eyebrow rose. "With all due respect, sir, they exist in several
realities, but not in the same dimensions. Are we supposed to abduct Usagi and
take her over there, or what?"
"This is new development. Apparently, the reaction that we stopped still
is having effects. This morning, universe WN-BF4-4791-SM merged with universe
DB-Z3-AC20-WK. Computer estimates indicate that there are several other
dimensions starting to merge with them as well. What we have here is the start
of the most complete F class dimension ever. All energy fields will be present,
and in great abundance. Somehow, the cataclysmic reaction that occurs when
various laws of physics collide is not occurring. It may have something to do
with the basic similarity between the merging worlds, but that is only a
theory. It has been redestinated FC-1. We think it has to do with the sheer
number of rifts that occurred between those worlds. So many occurred, the walls
between those worlds shattered. Only people unique to one universe or another
remained unchanged. Others are combinations of their various incarnations.
Whatever is causing this, and whatever the results, the letter says that it is
vital that we get Gohan and Usagi to fall in love while causing the least
damage to either timeline. Since the Sailor Moon universe has been turned
upside down by Kerrigan, try to focus more on saving the Dragon Ball Z
timeline."
"So, Chibi Usa is Gohan's kid? What about Videl?"
"Unfortunately, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And
she goes by GoChibi these days. As for the rest of the world, Gohan will be a
good ruler, according to the message. You need to play matchmaker. I assume
you're fully stocked?"
"Yes sir!"
"Then move it! And remember: the future counts on you."
As SU5 left, O'Connor regretted being unable to tell them everything. However,
according to Sector Commander O'Connor's message, it was vital that they know
as little as possible in order to preserve the future. Cheir O'Connor grinned
to himself. I have seen the future, and it looks good!
* * * * * *
As SU5 strode down the hall, Ecks queried her commander. "So, what's the
plan?"
"I've been thinking about that. I figure the best way to start is to
determine how far along the DBZ universe was before it combined with the
others. Gohan's age will play a major role in how we do this. If he's too
young, we'll have to wait and go into the future. If he's already met Videl,
we'll have to find a way to break them up. However, Gohan has a good head on
his shoulders. He would probably send his daughter back to after that nasty
business with Cell. But, we'll just have to see." He addressed Ralph.
"Hey, Potato Head, got that chloroform?"
The Idahoan mage glared angrily at Phil. "Look, just because I'm from
Idaho doesn't mean I'm some sort of spud-obsessed maniac! I don't even like
potatoes! Oh, and yes." From his oversized right sleeve he pulled out a
bottle. It proudly read, "ACME Brand Chloroform: The Choice of Kidnappers
Everywhere."
With an evil grin spreading across his face, Phil steepled his fingers.
"Excellent, Smithers. I mean Ralph." He suddenly looked up and began
to cackle madly.
Again, Ecks opted not to ask.
* * * * *
Universe WN-BF4-4791-SM
Usagi's Room
"Gohan. why does that name sound familiar?"
"I think I heard it on TV once… during that whole Cell thing."
Usagi's brow furrowed. "Why weren't we involved in that?"
Ami snorted. "We were about nine at the time."
Usagi had a chagrined look on her face. "Oh, yeah."
Suddenly, Rei's face brightened. "Hey, he was one of those blonde
warriors. Y'know, the ones that Hercule said were tricksters?"
GoChibi began to giggle. "Dad always told me not to believe what I saw on
television. Silly, Daddy was the one who beat Cell."
"But I thought Hercule was the strongest man on Earth!"
"That idiot couldn't beat Grandma Chichi! If dad hadn't wanted to live a
private life, he wouldn't have let him get away with it."
"Oh."
It was at this moment that another hole in the space-time continuum opened in
Usagi's bedroom. The girls, long since desensitized to big red portals coming
out of thin air, all thought the same thing. What now?
First came Ecks. She landed and attempted to bend her legs to absorb the
impact. Unfortunately, high heel shoes were not designed to absorb shock. She
hit the ground and bounced into a convenient pile of stuffed animals.
Usagi pointed at the demi-Senshi. "Hey, I just got done alphabetizing
those last month!" Ami made a mental note to remind her friend that she
didn't know her alphabet well enough to do that.
Next came Ralph. The mage used a spell to gently float to the ground. His face
shrouded by his cloak, he adopted a deep voice. "Obi-Wan never did tell
you about your father."
Rei, having lived with her grandpa for most of her life, responded, "He
died in a plane crash when I was little." A tear rolled down her cheek.
"Aw jeeze! That about covers it, but sorry!" Try to make a joke and
look what happens!
Ami looked at him with a perplexed look on her face. "Ralph? When did you
learn Japanese?"
He tapped a small device embedded in his ear. "Universal translator. Never
leave home without one."
Finally, Phil came through. Unlike the others, his landing was completely
uneventful. However, immediately following said landing, GoChibi let out a
squeal of joy. "Phil-Chan!" She leapt into the air and wrapped
herself around the surprised Policeman's head and neck. "It's so good to
see you!"
Realizing he would be crushed if he didn't act quickly, Phil powered up. Even
reaching his full level, he was still struggling to breathe. Can't…breathe!
Only...one…hope! Everybody in the room heard a muffled, "Kaio- Ken
times twenty!" All were knocked back as a wave of power shook the house.
Throughout the neighborhood, the various denizens of Juban calmly ducked under
a desk or table. A few continued to play their advanced video games while their
cheap housing shook back and forth around them. On the tectonically active
island of Japan, in a ward of the city where Godzilla and various Demon Lords
liked to visit, this relatively minor quake didn't even faze them.
Using his full strength, Phil managed to force the affectionate GoChibi off of
his face. Gasping for precious oxygen, he looked at the source of the attack.
"GoChibi? What the."
She smacked herself on the forehead. "I keep forgetting. You're not my
Godfather yet. Sorry. I thought you were stronger than that."
Still recovering from the little girl's attack, he angrily retorted, "Who
are you calling weak?" Then her previous statement caught his attention.
"Godfather?"
"Yeah, that happens in a few years when I'm born."
"I... see..." D'oh! Chained to the super ditz's foul spawn!
Usagi and the others got to their feet. "What was that?"
"Kaio-Ken. Increases my power for short bursts."
"Ah." Once again, Ami was lost and didn't like it.
He turned to face Usagi. "All right, meatball head, you're coming with
me."
"Huh? Where? Why?"
"My mission is to make sure you meet Gohan." May God have mercy on
his soul. "Hey, GoChibi, did your parents tell you where they
meet?"
"Yeah, the World Martial Arts Tournament."
"Good, Gohan is all grown up. Do you know when that is?"
"We have about a week. Dad thought it would be a good idea to give you
plenty of time."
"Hey, Usagi, aren't you and the others on Summer Vacation?"
"Uh, yeah."
"How very convenient." He turned to face super ditz. "You're
coming with me."
Of course, Minako and Makoto were all starry eyed. In a dreamy voice, the latter said, "Wow. Fated love. How romantic. You'll need our help, Phil.
We're romance experts!"
Ralph chuckled. "You girls are all boy crazy, but when was the last time
any of you had an actual boyfriend?" Usagi raised her hand. "Who
isn't dead." She lowered her arm. "OK, how about a date?" No
response. "I rest my case."
Usagi crossed her arms across her chest. "I'm not going!"
Phil's eye twitched. "What did you say?"
"Martial arts are icky! Only sweaty, egotistical morons do it!"
"OK, plan B. Ralph, the chloroform, if you please?" The mage handed
Phil the bottle. Pulling a rag from his utility belt, he doused it with the
liquid. "Here, smell this."
Ami immediately stepped between her friend and the Physics Policeman.
"Wait! It'll knock you out!"
Phil knew how to deal with that. "It smells like chocolate."
"Gimme!" Pushing past a protesting Ami, Usagi grabbed the bottle,
shoved it up her nose and inhaled. She was instantly in dreamland.
"Once again, foiled by her Achilles heel."
Rei lifted her transformation pen into the air. "You won't take her if she
doesn't want to go! Sailor Mars Transformation!" As the various Senshi had
their clothes replaced by the ridiculous Fuku, Ralph grinned.
"Now we get to have some fun!" He raised his hand, palm outstretched,
toward Sailor Jupiter. "Ide E'oul liivan!" The spell sent a bolt of
energy into the tall brunette. She was hurled backwards through the wall.
"Planet X Beam!" From Ecks' crystal shot an energy blast similar to
Ralph's. The bolt dropped Sailor Mercury where she stood.
Phil simply walked towards Mars and Venus. "Mars Fire Ignite!"
"Venus Love Chain!" He simply shrugged away the fire and energy
hearts. He came within arms length of the magical girls.
"Here's a little something I learned from Spock. Vulcan nerve pinch!"
He struck out with both hands, catching the young girls where their shoulders
met their necks. Both collapsed instantly.
"Are we done yet?"
"Yes, GoChibi. You've been very patient." Already he liked this girl.
The original would have been stupid enough to attack with the Senshi.
"Ralph, grab Ms. Chocoholic over there and lets go!"
"Where are we going?"
"Piccolo's Watchtower. We need to borrow the Hyperbolic Time
Chamber."
With that, those still conscious left through the window.
End Part 7
