Part 13
A Little Competition
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon or Ranma ½. Yet. (Insert Evil Laughter Here.)
Once again, there was a hyperactive baritone voice. "Last time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police, GoChibi won the Junior Martial Arts Division. Now it's time for the main event! With Hercule still nursing his broken hand, can he even hope to maintain his ruse? Wait and see! Phil will be competing, as well as a few other fighters previously unseen. And now, let the fight begin!" The announcer, clad in a straight jacket and mounted on a wheeled gurney, turned towards Ralph. "Thanks. That should be fine."
"Good. Take him away, boys!" Men in white suits wheeled the announcer away.
Ecks scratched her head. "What was that all about?"
Ralph sighed. "Something in his contract about announcing any episode that involves the World Martial Arts Tournament."
"Maybe if Bobcat's more efficient, he can get it over with in one chapter."
"Nah, that bastard's too lazy to get off his ass." A lightning bolt struck the ground near his feet. "Just kidding, Sir! Go about your business!"
Phil coughed. "Hello? The tournament?"
From above came an echoing voice. "Oh, yeah, right."
* * *
Phil was surveying the competition. Most were normal human beings, drawn from a number of universes. However, there were a few fighters he hadn't expected.
First up was Ryoko, a space pirate from the Tenchi Muyo universe. I didn't know that world had fused with this one. She had light blue Saiyan style hair, fangs, and a tail identical to GoChibi's. In fact, Phil made a mental note to see if she actually was a Saiyan. She had a respectable power level. She can take Krillin, but anybody stronger than that's gonna mop the floor with her.
Slightly to her right was a young boy in a red Chinese style shirt. His long, black hair was tied in a tight pigtail. He exuded an air of confidence. Doesn't Ranma look arrogant today! Not surprising, considering that he used to be the most powerful man on his planet. Now he's nothing, poor guy. There were probably others, but Phil was distracted from his crowd searching by the tournament's announcer.
"Thank you for your patience! Now, as you may know, the pre-fight qualifying round has been changed in recent years. Instead of a series of battles, which tended to exhaust some fighters before the real competition began, we instead have this machine. Just punch the padded sensor, and it will measure the pressure, giving us an accurate estimate of your strength. First up, we have Lori Arbuckle. Will Ms. Arbuckle please report to the strength sensor?"
Phil looked at the collection of fighters. There were hundreds of them. This could take a while.
* * * *
"Now, will group B please come over here?" Checking his stub, Phil saw that he was part of group B. The Physics Policeman was the first to arrive. "You're name, sir?"
"Phil."
"Uh, last name?"
"I didn't give you one. Just Phil."
"Ah, yes, Phil! Whenever you're ready!" Phil walked over to the large machine. He smashed his index finger into the red button. He rated 194. Hercule's best left hook had rated around 120. Everybody looked in amazement. "I'm sorry, sir. There seems to be some kind of problem with the machine."
"No, there isn't." Phil causally lifted the multi-ton machine over his head with one hand. "The rating stays."
"Uh, yes sir! Now, please put it down… gently!"
"Very well." Placing the machine on the ground, Phil flew away towards GoChibi's Chi signature. Now to play matchmaker.
* * *
"Phil-san, aren't you going to see if you got in?"
"No, GoChibi. I'm pretty confident. If my memory serves me, Goku's score will be lower than mine. Now, we have to have Usagi actually meet Gohan before he leaves to fight Majin Buu. Since I've prepared him for the shock, we should be able to just use the direct approach. Come along, meatball head."
"Waaaaah! You're so mean!" Usagi sat down and started pouting.
Uh oh! If she's in this bad a mood, it could color her opinion of Gohan! Think! Ecks was wandering nearby in her guise as a hotdog vendor. "Quick, GoChibi, get your mom a hotdog!" Nodding, the young Saiyan flew away. Phil sighed. "Usagi, I'm sorry. Look, we're getting you some food, and then you can meet Gohan."
She sniffed. "OK." GoChibi returned, and she immediately wolfed down the hotdog.
Like dealing with a three year old! Astounding! Leading her by the hand, Phil walked calmly through the crowd. Occasionally the ditz would grab an item from a concession stand. Fortunately, Phil had a large supply of Japanese yen.
After nearly ten minutes, Phil became worried that he would miss the opening part of the competition. He addressed GoChibi. "OK kid, I've got to go. Just target your dad and use that instant transmission of yours. I'm counting on you."
"Wait! Phil! I can take you with me!" But by then, he was out of earshot.
Phil had considered that, but wanted the first meeting between father and daughter to occur without his influence. She needs to do this one on her own.
GoChibi sighed. She stretched out her senses and locked onto the familiar aura of her father. Concentrating, she put her fingers to her forehead and teleported.
When the world regained focus, she stood before the Z fighters.
Goku's eyes brightened in recognition. "Hey! It's that girl who won the Junior Division!"
There was a resounding, "No duh, Goku!" from the others.
The same feeling of isolation that she had repressed before took over. "Daddy!" She leapt forward, latching onto Gohan's middle.
"Ack! Can't… breathe! Let… go!" She released him, and he was surprised. "You are a strong one, aren't you?"
Vegeta's eyebrow rose. "Who are these girls? And why did you call him 'Daddy?"
She inhaled deeply. Time for the moment of truth. "My name is GoChibi. I come from the future, and I'm Gohan's daughter. They sent me back in time to make sure that they meet. Gohan, this is Usagi, your future wife." She shoved Usagi forward. Please oh please oh please don't be a flake! For once in your life, say something intelligent!
"Uh, hello."
"Hi."
"So, uh, this daughter of ours…"
"Yeah, isn't she something?"
"Well, she kidnapped me."
GoChibi slapped her forehead. "D'oh!" Damn you Murphy, and your law!
"She what?"
"Yeah, she and this guy named Phil took me here against my will. They beat up my friends, knocked me out and put me in a bottle and Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She hugged Gohan, seeking comfort.
Gohan, remembering Phil's advice, attempted to console her. "There, there. It was probably necessary. Why don't we go off and get to know each other better? Maybe I can get you some ice cream?" GoChibi was moving her finger across her throat in the "kill" fashion.
"You probably don't have enough money for that. Besides, Phil said something about you having to be in the competition."
"Oh. Well, maybe you can stay with my mother? She's somewhere around here." He scanned the stands. "Oh, there she is! Now, go have fun!"
"Thanks, Daddy!" As she flew off holding Usagi, she thought to herself, "Well, that could have been worse!"
Vegeta had a foolish grin on his face. Phil? That weakling who beat me all those years ago is finally within my grasp! I can crush him, and then focus my energies on Kakorot! Oh, happy day!
Up in the stands were Chichi, Bulma, Yamcha and Krillin's daughter.
Yamcha saw a movement out of the corner of her eye. "Huh? Hey, look! It's that girl that won the Junior Division. I wonder what she's doing here?"
GoChibi sighed. "Here I go again."
* * * *
After nearly an hour, the top sixteen fighters had been chosen. As was to be expected, Ranma and Ryoko had replaced two of the weaker combatants. Kaio-Shin and Kibito had also qualified. The Z fighters had all gotten in, as had Phil and Hercule. Goten and Trunks were masquerading as Mighty Mask. At the moment, Goten was on the bottom. Phil smirked. The two had cut a pair of eyeholes into the torso of the costume, and there were Goten's eyes for the entire world to see. Amazing nobody ever figured out who they were until they went Super Saiyan. Idiots. Phil also recognized Spopovich and Yamu, a pair of pale warriors under the control of the wizard Babadi. They won't last long. There were a few others he didn't know, but Phil decided that it wasn't important. Look at all the pretty targets! I feel like a kid in a candy store! I wonder which one is mine?
Each warrior drew a ball with a number written on it. After several moments, Phil drew his ball. "Number three." Let's see… who's number four? Huh. It hasn't been drawn yet. He pocketed the ball and stood back. After a few moments, Shin drew number four. Cool! I've always wondered how powerful he was!
After a few moments, Phil casually sauntered over to Shin. The purple skinned warrior stood next to his ally Kibito. "Hello, Supreme Kai. Kibito. Guess what? I know all about that whole thing with Babadi and Majin Buu. Ain't that just a hoot?"
Obviously, to have this complete stranger come up and tell them that he knew their true identities was quite a shock. "H-how do you know all this?"
"I have my sources. I look forward to battling you." The two began nervously whispering to themselves. That was fun! No wonder Shin pulled that on Goku!
At that moment, in the stands, Chichi and Bulma had been appraised of the situation. Bulma could sympathize. "There, there. It's a big shock to suddenly have a child come from the future. It's happened to me before."
Usagi had been crying. She sniffed. "Really? Did your daughter kidnap you?"
"Well, uh, mine was a son and no, he didn't."
"Oh."
Chichi, being Gohan's parent and self-appointed protector, was in mother grizzly mode. "And just what are your intentions towards my son?"
"Actually, I don't have any."
"Oh." This girl seemed nicer than that Videl girl. Besides, here was proof that she was the right one for Gohan sitting at her right. "So, GoChibi, you say Gohan's a king?"
"Actually, more like an Emperor. I think that the various world nations still exist; it's just that Mom and Dad keep things in order and act as ambassadors to alien powers. Sort of like an aristocratic United Nations. I'm not sure, though; I was kind of young when I left."
"Who's this Phil guy?"
"He takes care of me. In fact, he's more of a father to me than Dad." Oops! Wrong thing to say! The familiar face of Grandma Chichi had loosened her tongue.
Rage was in Chichi's eyes. "Ignore his daughter, will he? I'm going to have words with that son of mine!"
"No! Wait! I see him! It's just that Phil teaches me stuff. Don't yell at him!"
The big puppy eyes GoChibi had pulled out somehow managed to subdue her grandmother's rage. "Oh, all right."
Yamcha put a finger before his mouth. "Shhhhh! The Tournament's starting!"
The blond announcer stepped out onto the arena. "Greetings, folks! Who wants to seen some action?" The crowd cheered. "We all do! But first, a mystery is cleared up for us all! We have all wondered just what happened during Hercule's heroic battle with Cell. However, during the climax of the fight we lost transmission. Now, a dramatic reenactment of the Battle with Cell!"
A blimp flew over the arena. On either side of it was a large screen. A group of actors in bad costumes, meant to be Cell and the Z fighters, began to battle.
Several moments later, Phil and Ralph, although in different sections of the stadium, were both struggling to stop laughing. "Oh, please, make it stop! I can't take much more of this! I can't believe those saps think its real! Haha!" Hercule glared at Phil, but did nothing.
Suddenly, a yellow burst of energy slammed into the side of the blimp. It's nose turned upwards as crewmembers parachuted away. The announcer continued his commentary. "Oh, the humanity!"
A German man leapt to his feet. "Ach! Er ist der Hindenburg! Laufen sie!" (Ah! It's the Hindenburg! Run!") Another bolt vaporized the burning blimp. The audience sat in their seats, shocked by what they had just witnessed.
Goku shook his head. "That wasn't very nice, Vegeta!"
"Just be glad I let the crew get out first, Kakorot." His voice adopted a mocking tone. "'Oh, I want to be just like Hercule' my ass!' That will teach that pompous windbag to mess with the Prince of Saiyans!"
Krillin spoke up. "Uh, actually Vegeta, Gohan, Goten, Goku and that future girl are all Saiyans, but they don't listen to you, so you aren't much of a Prince. Besides, wouldn't you technically be the King of Saiyans?"
"Shut up pipsqueak!"
"Yes sir!"
A few minutes later, order had been restored. "Well, at least we get to start this event with a bang!" There was complete silence. Crickets could be heard in the distance, and a tumbleweed slowly blew across the ground in front of him.
His attempt at comedy a complete bust, he continued. "Now, for our first match we have Ryoko Masaki versus Krillin no last name given!"
Phil smirked and whispered to himself, "Taking Tenchi's last name, are we? Sort of jumping the gun there."
The two warriors took up positions on opposite sides of the field. "Now as you all know, the rules are as follows: if you are knocked out, give up or are forced from the field, you lose. Also, any deaths that occur disqualify the killer. Are you ready?" Both nodded. "Then let the match begin!"
Krillin cupped his hands. "Kame…"
Ryoko summoned her own energy bolt. She seemed to be waiting for Krillin to launch his attack.
"Hame…"
"C'mon, shorty! I don't have all day!"
"Ha!"
Her own bolt of energy proved woefully inadequate to stop the Kamehameha wave. She barely flew above the attack. She sent a few more Chi bolts Krillin's way. The Z fighter dodged the first, but the other three struck him head on. When the smoke cleared, Krillin was a little crispy around the edges.
"Ow." Before he could respond, Ryoko had closed to range. Still shaken up from her previous attack, Krillin was forced to stay on the defensive. Several blows struck him in the head and torso.
Putting both of her hands into a final strike, she smacked him in the side of the head. He flew from the ring. Ryoko cheered. "Alright! I win!" Krillin floated upward. "What? Go away, you're disqualified!"
"Actually, I would have had to touch the ground for it to count as a ring out." His hands folded across his chest, Krillin calmly floated back into the ring.
Now the space pirate was worried. How could he take that? That was my best shot! Oh well; look's like I'll just have to be sneakier about it this time. She fired a bolt, which he casually swatted away. She seemed to fade away, then reappear directly behind Krillin. She slammed her foot into the base of his spine. Crying out in pain, Krillin collapsed to the arena floor. "Th-that was a cheap shot."
"Wasn't it, though?" She disappeared and reappeared, then kicked him in the face. If Krillin had had a nose, it would be broken. His face contorted in agony, Krillin focused on getting out of his stupor.
If only those little flashes would go away! Ryoko kicked him from the ring again, and this time he didn't float back up.
"And Ryoko Masaki is the winner! Let's give her a round of applause!"
Elsewhere:
Tenchi Masaki had believed that Ryoko going away for the weekend would have brought peace to the household. Boy, was he wrong!
Ayeka was pointing to the screen and grabbing Tenchi's head, forcing him to watch. "See Tenchi! See how she stole your name! That tramp! How dare she! How can you love her?"
"I don't…" Suddenly, Mihoshi jumped on top of them, crushing them both.
"Oh, isn't this just great? She won!"
"Ow." Tenchi sighed. "Why me?"*.
* * * *
"Wasn't that great, folks?" The crowd roared in approval. "Next, we have Phil no last name given verses Shin no last name given!" Phil handed the announcer a sheet of paper and whispered in his ear. "Phil informs me that he has changed his name to a symbol that has no sound. We don't have a screen because of that random fuel tank explosion, so just imagine it as sort of like an S, with what looks to be a U next to it, then a C, then a K, then an I and a… T… 'Suck it, moron?'" There was a loud peal of laughter from the audience. "OK, very funny, Mr. Phil. Satisfied?"
"Very."
"Now, if we can please continue, let the match begin!"
End Part 13
Once again, the DBZ announcer was speaking. "Next time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police… ack!" The man, still bound by a straight jacket, collapsed with a tranquilizer dart embedded in his neck.
Ralph shrugged. "It was the only way to make him shut up!"
Author's note:
While writing this, it occurred to me that it would be one of the greatest ironies in all of Anime if Tenchi turned out to be gay.
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