Part 18
Buu kicks Butt
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: Hello all! Once again, I am forced to admit that I do this in the name of art, and cannot legally receive monetary compensation. Why? Because I didn't invent many of the characters featured. Please don't sue!
Buu was happy. For over three hundred years, he'd been trapped in that tiny pod. He hadn't been able to move, nor talk. It had been incredibly boring. As he finished another loop, he gave a cry of joy. I love flying. And when he got bored with this, he could go and kill those nice people over there. I love killing. It was at this moment that the combined might of Goku, Gohan, GoChibi, Phil, Piccolo and Kaio-shin came crashing down on him.
Goku and Gohan were attacking together, coming to blows with Majin Buu. A flurry of punches and kicks were launched against the pink creature. Their fists left imprints in the creature's skin, but Majin Buu didn't even seem to notice. It casually swatted them aside. The Saiyans hit the ground and didn't move.
"Daddy!" GoChibi raced in, lightsaber blazing. The glowing blue blade began to slice at the monster. She left several burning gashes along Buu's arms and legs, but it didn't seem to worry the creature at all. She then stabbed it straight through the soft skin of its chest. "Hah! I'll gut you like a fish!" She brought the blade down, only to find that Buu had already moved back, so she sliced through nothing. The hole she had created healed over within seconds. "Ah crap." Buu's gloved fist smashed into her face, sending her flying.
The remaining warriors were launching ranged attacks. The various Chi bolts flew into Majin Buu, but had no visible effect. Phil curled his fingers into the shape of guns. "Improved Kamehameha rapid-fire mode!" He jerked his hands around at blinding speed, sending a barrage of invisible laser bolts at the creature. When they came into contact with Buu, there was a massive explosion. Piccolo, Phil and Kaio-shin managed to maintain their position. When the smoke cleared, Majin Buu looked no worse for wear. "Damn!"
Babadi had a look of pure glee upon his face. He was happily dancing, and he waved his staff at the warriors. "Fools! None of you are strong enough to give Majin Buu a good warm-up! You shall all perish, along with this world! Ha ha!"
Phil blew a trace of smoke from his hands. "Guys, I'm too weak to help you against Buu. However, if I can keep Babadi busy, we just might have a chance." He disappeared from sight, and then reappeared before Babadi. "Hello. Want to play some more Calvinball?"
"I refuse to ever participate in that moronic game ever again! Now die!" He fired a bolt of energy at Phil. Phil faded away and rematerialized behind Babadi. When Babadi looked at his arm, there was a stamp that read, "Reject!" on his limb. "You mock me again?"
"No, technically, to mock you again, I would have had to have stopped mocking you in the first place." Another bolt flew out towards the Policeman, he faded away again, and another stamp appeared on his arm. "Now son-in-law, how do you expect to get the Phoenix Pill without mastering the Sweet Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire technique?"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?" He attempted to kill Phil again. This time two stamps appeared.
"Now that... is a secret." Good old Ranma ; very good for confusing my opponents.
Far above their heads, Goku was launching another attack on Buu. I'm just not strong enough to hurt him! He managed to send the pink creature flying with a roundhouse kick, but Goku knew that he would be back soon enough. I'd like to use my full potential, but I could kill my allies just as easily as Buu! "Ka...me...ha...me...ha!" A powerful blast of energy that would have destroyed a planet was knocked aside by Buu.
"Weeeee! This is fun!" He sent his own Chi bolt. The blast fried the air as it flew. It smashed into Goku, consuming the dead Saiyan in a massive explosion. His unconscious form drifted from the smoke. He landed softly atop a mesa and didn't move.
"Dad!"
"Grandpa!"
The remaining Saiyans sent their own combined attack at Majin Buu. The assault that had vaporized Dabura was knocked aside by the pink monster's gloved hand. It traveled straight up out of the atmosphere. Buu giggled. "I love catch! Here you go!" He sent a pair of blasts just as powerful as his attack on Goku. Gohan managed to avoid the strike, but the girl from the future took the attack head on. Her fall wasn't nearly as controlled as Goku's had been; she flew downwards at over 100 feet per second. Piccolo managed to catch her.
The Namek looked at the little girl. "She's at least twice as powerful as me! If she couldn't stand up to Buu... we're all doomed." From where Goku had fallen, there was suddenly a massive increase of power. "NO WAY! That attack should have killed him!" He thought about what he'd said. "Oh yeah, he was already dead." The Saiyan flew upwards to face Buu once again.
Buu snorted disdainfully. "You're getting boring. I want a challenge!"
"Be careful what you wish for." Goku began to focus. I'd hoped I could defeat him without this power, but it's proven impossible. "Everybody, stay back!" Yelling in a primal scream of fury, the Super Saiyan disappeared in a flash of light. Even Majin Buu was forced to look away. When it became bearable to look, Goku had changed. His hair now extended beyond his legs, and his eyebrows had disappeared. He radiated a massive power.
Phil looked up from his efforts to annoy Babadi. "Wait a second. Goku wasn't supposed to transform to Super Saiyan level three yet!" He checked his comic book. There was indeed a picture of Goku at level three facing Buu above the badlands. "Oops. I may have changed reality more than I'd thought." According to the chaos theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause a hurricane in Florida. Phil was the equivalent of Mothra. He flipped the page. "Better see what happens next... continued in Dragon Ball collection number 17!? D'oh!" He easily withstood several attacks from Babadi. Phil knocked him back with a Force Push. "Back off! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Majin Buu didn't seem to notice Goku's sudden rise in power. The Saiyan rushed in, and Buu's first indication that something was wrong was when the punches started hurting. "Hey! That hurts! Bully!" He sent a Chi bolt at Goku. This time, he simply grabbed the energy attack and threw it back at Buu. The pink creature went flying.
Gohan was shocked. "A level... beyond Super Saiyan level two?"
Goku's face contorted in agony. "Something's... wrong..." The yellow aura collapsed, and his extra hair disappeared. Completely drained, he fell down to earth. This isn't right! I was able to maintain that state for hours in the other world!
Phil flew to catch Goku. "Everybody! We're leaving! Now!"
Kaio-shin looked at Phil. Goku was the strongest one here, and even he couldn't stand up to Buu! "We can't! If we let Buu run free, then the world is doomed!"
"They won't destroy the planet just yet. Besides, we aren't any good to the world dead! Well, except for you, Goku." They beat a hasty retreat.
Piccolo flew alongside Phil. "Where are we going?"
Phil spoke into his wristwatch. "This is Phil. Need transport for six." A wormhole opened up. "Goku and GoChibi need medical attention, and the Physics Police HQ has some of the best facilities in the known universe." The warriors flew in, and the swirling vortex of red and white closed.
Babadi came to, and saw that Buu was floating there. "Very good, my loyal servant! You destroyed them all!"
Buu was pouting. "I didn't get to kill anybody. They ran. Always ruining my fun!"
"Don't worry, Majin Buu. You shall have another chance. Now, let's go have some fun!" The wizard climbed onto Buu's back.
"OK!" Babadi had difficulty maintaining his grip as Majin Buu flew off at breakneck speeds.
* * *
About 15 minutes later:
Goku and GoChibi were in Bacta tanks. They were suspended in a gelatinous concoction that sped up cell regeneration. Gohan looked worriedly at the pair. "How are they, Doc?"
An older man looked down at his clipboard. "Well, they aren't in very good shape. For one thing, the man's body temperature is way below what it should be, and I'm not getting a pulse. If I didn't know better, I'd say this "Goku" fellow was dead."
"He is."
"O...K then. Otherwise, he's suffering from exhaustion and multiple wounds, ranging in severity from a scrape to a broken rib. His recuperative abilities are pretty impressive, so he should be fine after about two day's immersion. Now, as for the girl, my sensors report that she's drawing upon some manna and Force to repair herself. That's pretty impressive, considering that she's unconscious. She should be good as new in about a day. Now, the rest of you are free to go, but I wouldn't suggest any overly strenuous activities."
When the Z fighters left the medical ward, Phil was waiting for them. "Now, while you were visiting, I got you each a learners permit. It'll be good for a year, but I still think it would be best if you came in to get your permanent licenses after we've cleaned up this mess."
Kaio-shin looked up at Phil in shock. "B-but I am the Supreme Kai! The guardian of the northern Galaxy! The ruler of a quarter of the universe!"
"Now that's just super. However, in the eyes of the Physics Police, there isn't any difference between you and Majin Buu. Justice is blind, pal; everybody has to get their super hero license."
"Very well. Gohan, come with me."
Phil decided to pry. "And just where are you going?"
"If you must know..."
"I must! I must!"
"I'm going to teach Gohan my mystical power up. It will provide him with a greater power boost than any Super Saiyan transformation below this "level three" we witnessed today."
Phil paused. The doctor had informed him that he could never use the Kaio-ken again without killing himself. Now, the Supreme Kai was offering him power greater than his Kaio-ken times two hundred. "I'd be glad to come with you."
"You weren't invited!"
"Oh, why not?"
"You've been insulting me all day, and have gone against me at every turn!"
"You're point being?"
"You aren't coming!"
"Now we do this the hard way." Phil waved his hand at the Supreme Kai. "You'd be glad to have me along."
"I'd be glad to have you along."
"It's settled then."
Chief O'Connor had been monitoring the situation. Phil's been stepping outside of his jurisdiction lately, and using tactics I don't approve of. Time to nip this in the bud. He spoke into the loudspeaker. "Phil, this is O'Connor. Report to my office. Now!" He had considered saying "yesterday," but when a group has access to time travel equipment, more people tend to take that turn of phrase literally.
"I gotta go, but I'll be back in a minute."
"OK." As Phil darted off, Kaio-shin wondered what had possessed him to let the Police Officer come along.
"Uh, you wanted to see me, Chief?"
"Yes, I did. Sit down." Phil complied. "Now Phil, I can't say that you've been neglecting your duties. The way you pulled off your last assignment was brilliant. It's your constant vigilante justice that's been irritating me!"
"Oh?"
"For example, you didn't have the authority to do anything to Kerrigan but send her home. What did you do? You fought her and almost killed her!"
"Almost."
O'Connor ignored Phil for an instant and brought out a file. "You "arrested" her for genocide and genetic manipulation without a license. Correct?"
"My recollection is fuzzy."
"According to Physics Police law, that isn't illegal! Those things are a matter for the courts of the home dimension of the individual! Also, you couldn't arrest her for leaving dimensional boundaries without a license because she didn't do it on purpose! You were supposed to just send her and her brood back to home!"
"Sir, she was a force of pure evil. I made her home universe a better place to live."
"True, but you shouldn't have interfered!"
"Sir, my uncle Ben taught me a long time ago that with great power comes even greater responsibility."
"You don't have an uncle Ben!"
"Well, not anymore. He was killed because I didn't stop a criminal. I thought myself too important for such menial tasks. I came home, and aunt May told me the sad news. I hunted him down, and realized that he was the one I had let by. On that day, I vowed to fight evil in all of its forms as the Amazing/Spectacular Spiderman!"
"Phil, you have to stop confusing your life history with those of comic book characters. You aren't going to distract me."
"Darn!"
"Now, more recently, there was that incident where you got yourself involved with the battle against Majin Buu. Tell me, just how was that within our jurisdiction?"
"Sir, I believe that I was on shore leave. Also, neither my team nor I ever instigated an attack against Babadi or his minions. It was always self-defense."
"But that didn't give you the right to kill Nelka-Jo!"
"But I have a license to kill!"
"No, you have a 006 and 1/2, a license to seriously maim."
"But she was attacking with lethal force!"
"For a normal person, yes, that was lethal force. For you, she might as well have been whacking you with a feather!"
"Is there a point to this, Chief?"
"Yes! I don't want you to get involved in anything like this unless I tell you so!" It was at this moment that a tiny time hole appeared over O'Connor's desk. After a few moments, a small document entered the present. Phil grabbed it.
"Unit Commander Phil and his team are hereby given authority to engage in any activities that they judge to be necessary to preserve a timeline. Signed, Sector Commander O'Connor. Cool! Remind me to thank you in about twenty years, Chief." Phil flipped up, and used his flying powers to make it look as if he was climbing on the ceiling. He began to sing, "Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can..."
O'Connor sighed. "Sometimes I worry about that boy."
When Phil returned, Ralph and Ecks had joined the Z fighters. "Good, I was wondering where you two were. Now listen; I'm going to be gone for about a day. So will Gohan. GoChibi and Goku are also out of the running for a few hours. I want you two to recruit whatever Z fighters you can get to form a unit to harass Buu. Don't confront him directly; that can only get you killed. Hit and fade attacks are the best method. Coordinate with the guys running the transporters. Zap him with a good attack, then teleport out. Also, make sure that Goten and Trunks train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber; we need to have Gotenks running around to maintain the timeline."
Ralph looked at his commanding officer. "Uh, Phil, I've read enough manga to know that none of us can actually hurt Majin Buu. What good will that do?"
"Every second he's distracted by your efforts is a second that he isn't killing civilians. It'll keep them on their toes, and besides, you could get lucky. After all, Majin Buu may me nigh invulnerable, but Babadi isn't. Ralph, I'm putting you in charge of this little operation. Think you're up to it?"
"You can count on me, sir!"
"Good. If Goku and GoChibi wake up before I get back, make them part of your force and make sure that they don't try anything stupid. Got it?"
Ecks and Ralph saluted. "Yes, sir!"
"C'mon, Shin. We'll take the transporter to your planet."
"You know where my planet is?"
"Supreme Kai, in case you haven't guessed it, the Physics Police know just about everything; it's just a matter of sifting through the useless details." The two went for the transporter room. "Hey Gohan! Ya commin, or what?"
"I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
* * *
Several minutes later, Phil, Gohan and Kaio-shin were on the surface of another planet. It was similar to earth, the terran-class trees and grass. The water was blue (Phil was relieved to see this; he had found that anything else was just nasty), and the atmosphere was composed of Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and other trace gases. Phil inhaled deeply, and the air smelled sweet and clean. The planet seemed shrouded in eternal twilight, and it had a higher gravity pull than the earth.
Kaio-shin smiled. "It is good to be home again. Welcome to my planet."
"Nice place you got here."
"I'm glad that you approve, Phil. Now, before I can teach you anything, we need to meditate and clear our minds of all extraneous thought."
"No fair! You Anime people have an unfair advantage!"
"I have no idea what an "Anime" is, so I'll ignore that comment. Now, assume a lotus position and begin." For some reason, Phil found it easy to find a calm, trancelike state. This place produces a lot of Force! It's so easy to manipulate. Chi is easier to use here too. No wonder Shin decided to set up shop here. After several minutes, Kaio-shin stood up.
"I believe that you are now ready. I will now cast a spell that will give you the ability to focus your Chi as never before. It is very similar to a Super Saiyan power up, but far more effective." With that, the Supreme Kai began to sing a very odd song, sung in a lost language (what he sang was the Kaio-shin race's equivalent to Weird Al Yanchovic's song "Albuquerque," but nobody knew that). He then ran around the pair of warriors in a large circle, waving his arms in a style that could only be described as "the Monkey."
Gohan whispered to Phil. "Has he snapped?"
"No, believe it or not, this is completely serious. It will work."
"How do you know that?"
"I've taken assignment in universes almost identical to yours. Believe me, this will give us greater strength than Majin Buu. Unless he absorbs somebody."
* * *
Ralph watched as Majin Buu began to rip apart a Honda factory. Babadi sat back a short distance away, laughing as the workers fled. Ralph spoke into a walkie-talkie. "This is Bossman calling Wannabe. I repeat, Bossman calling Wannabe. Over."
"Ralph, why do we have to have these stupid call signs? Over."
"Well Ecks, it makes it a lot cooler, but now you've ruined the effect. Thanks a lot! Now, is your team in position? Over."
"Yes, over."
"Move in my mark. Over."
"Roger, over."
Ralph spoke into his wristwatch. "Ralph to Transporter Room A. Come in."
"This is transporter room A. We are ready to teleport you out if you need to."
"Roger, transporter room A. Ralph to Ecks. Mark."
"Planet X beam!" The shaft of light flew up at Majin Buu, and the magical attack forced the monster to halt his attack.
Ralph noted that Ecks jumped into a nearby wormhole as Buu's counterattack flew in. "Better start my own spell. By the Hammer of Thor,"
Android 18 and Yamcha sent their own energy beams up at Buu. They had little effect, but the creature was once again distracted, allowing several workers to flee to safety.
"And the Eye of Odin,"
Piccolo used his special beam cannon on Buu. It blasted into his right side, burrowing through his skin. After a few moments, the pink tissue healed itself. Krillin's Destructo Disk sliced into Majin Buu's torso, but stopped a few centimeters in. The pair left via the same portal as Yamcha and Android 18.
"Lend me the strength of,"
Tein launched his signature maneuver, the Tri attack. A beam of energy smashed into Buu. The attack seemed to do more damage to the three-eyed warrior then it did Majin Buu. Tein staggered into Eck's wormhole. By this time, Ralph's body glowed a bright yellow from his collected energies.
"The collectors of fallen warriors.
Valkyrie Beam!"
This time, he had placed his hands together, so instead of two smaller attacks, there was one gigantic attack. A massive horse composed of yellow energy, with a sword-wielding rider of the same composition, raced up at Majin Buu. The pink monster shielded its face as the spell's energy consumed him. When the flash subsided, Buu was covered in major burns. Within a few moments, the creature's healing powers had repaired the damage done by the attacks.
Drained by the spell, Ralph fell into another wormhole. After a few moments of drifting in the off-color space between dimensions, the Mage landed on the cushions. The various fighters were waiting for him. They began to walk back to base. Piccolo spat. "We're wasting our time. We should be fighting him directly! What good have we done so far?"
"We've kept Babadi on his toes, for one thing. Our attacks are spit wads compared to what Buu can put out; however, any stray shot could easily kill Babadi. Also, we gave hundreds of people time to escape. I'd say we're doing exactly what Phil told us to do. Now who wants to play some poker?"
The Namek face faulted. "W-what? We need to launch another attack!"
"Look Piccolo, Tein and I need some time to recharge from our attacks. Besides, if we go in too many times, Buu will start to expect us. The more tired we get, the more likely that one of us will get killed. So, we're taking a half hour break."
Ecks grinned. "Before we start, I'd like you to meet my new pet. His name is Joe." She ran off to her quarters, and returned with a snakelike creature dangling from a rod mounted on her back. It was furry, and had tiny, vestigial arms. What surprised Ralph the most was that he found himself unable to detect Ecks with the Force.
"Wait a second... is that thing a ysalarmiri?"
"Bingo. Within a ten-meter radius, the Force effectively doesn't exist. What, did you think that I would take your cheating lying down?"
"Where did you get that?"
"You'd be surprised what the pet shops around here carry."
"Ah." It was at that moment that they reached the Rec Room. "OK, here we are. Who's joining us?"
Piccolo went off to meditate, but the other Z fighters were more than willing to partake in some relaxation. Krillin was dealing. "Hey Ralph, there's something wrong with the deck."
"What do you mean?"
"It's one card short. You're missing the... Ace of Clubs."
"Oh yeah... it's in my pocket. Just a sec." He dug out the poker card. "I can't even remember why I separated it from the deck...AW CRAP!" The picture of Sailor Mars was still looking out at him with a blazing fury in her eyes.
Yamcha commented, "I didn't know you guys collected Sailor Moon trading cards to! I'll trade you a Luna for it!" The other occupants of the room looked at him with unveiled looks of disgust on their faces.
"Sailor Mars Card, Release and Dispel!" Using his wand, Ralph released the Senshi of Fire. She materialized in the middle of the aging card table, which collapsed under her weight. After a few moments, she recovered from the shock.
"All right, you! You're going to give Usagi back right... now... where the hell am I?" She noticed the collection of freaks and weirdoes. Ralph was massaging his temples.
"Damn! I'd forgotten about this little... unpleasantness."
"What?! You kidnapped me, then forgot about it?" At this point, she had grabbed Ralph by the front of his Jedi robe and was shaking him back and forth. "You're going to take me home right now!"
"Very well. Sorry guys, you better play without me." He led the irate Sailor Senshi to the transporter room. "Hey, Jack."
The portly man running the transporters grinned. "Hey, Ralph? Who's your friend?"
"Uh, Jack, this is Rei, AKA Sailor Mars. Sailor Mars, this is Jack."
As she shook his hand, she glared at Ralph. "And just how do you know my name?"
"I used to watch your show before they canceled it."
"Huh?"
"Never mind. Jack, I need a wormhole to the Juban district of Tokyo for two."
"Which universe?"
"FC-1." Jack made the proper adjustments, and a hole in the space-time continuum crackled into existence. "Oh, and Happy Birthday, Jack."
"Thanks Ralph." The pair disappeared into the wormhole.
* * * *
"You know, you didn't have to escort me home!" By this time, she had reverted to her less conspicuous street clothes.
"Look, I am sorry about what happened. If you'll recall, you did attack me."
"But you'd kidnapped Usagi!"
"And like I tried to explain, it had to be done, but you just leapt to conclusions. Like Phil said, we aren't villains, just heroes with a different agenda. Now, how can I make this up to you?"
"By leaving me alone, you jerk!"
"As you wish. Now, promise you'll tell the other Senshi to stay out of this business with Majin Buu."
"From what you said, we wouldn't stand a chance, so yes. Now buzz off!"
"Very well." Ralph flew off and was sucked into a wormhole that appeared from nowhere.
"Great! Now that he's gone, I have to tell Grandpa where I've been for the last... week... Ieeeeeeeee!" Where a shrine had once stood, there was now an extravagant mansion. There was a pair of armed guards who sat in booths on opposite sides of a large gate. She walked up to one of them. "Uh, excuse me..."
"Ah, Ms. Connery! Very good to see you! Your grandfather has been notified of you arrival!" Scratching her head, Rei walked into the large structure. The main hallway had to be at least two stories tall.
"Hello?" Her voice echoed. Down a large staircase came a shorter Gaijin man. He was pudgy, and had white hair and a scraggly beard. What she noticed first was that he had a woman on each arm. If you added up their ages, they might have equaled the man, but Rei sincerely doubted it.
He looked at her. "Ah, there you are! You remember Cindi and Bunni."
"Hello, Cindi, Bunni. Who are you?"
"Ah, I see that your week at acting camp has paid off. I almost believed that you didn't recognize your own grandfather. Ha!" The airheads joined in his hearty laughter.
Where have I seen him before...wait, I think I saw a movie with him once. "Sean Connery is my Grandpa?!!?"
"Yes, you are a lucky girl, aren't you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some... business to attend to." The trio went back up the stairs, giggling. Of course, by this time Rei was storming out. As she walked to Usagi's house, she decided that she needed to calm down.
Rage won't help anything. She calmly walked down the street. Calmly passed the school and the ice cream parlor. Calmly found Usagi's home. Calmly scaled the side of the house, calmly positioned herself on Usagi's windowsill, calmly threw a brick through the window, and calmly grabbed Luna by the scruff of her neck and began to calmly shake the life out of the cat. "You work for them. Take me to the Physics Police. Now."
"W-What?"
"Now."
Luna had never seen that kind of rage in the girl's eyes before. She focused, and a wormhole was formed from the energies in the crescent moon on her head. "There you go. What's all this about?"
Ignoring the cat, Mars transformed. Somehow, her extreme anger shortened the process to a fraction of a second. "I shall avenge you, Grandpa. I swear it." She walked into the portal, and it closed behind her.
Luna grimaced. "I wonder what Phil did this time?"
In a few seconds, Sailor Mars found herself in the transporter room. Jack recognized her from before. "Oh, hello Rei." It was at that instant that her fist found his chin, and the technician lay unconscious on the ground. Guided by her sixth sense, she managed to find the Rec Room (it also helped that there were several "you are here" signs along the way). By this time, the Z fighters and SU5 were engaged in a game of BS.
Android 18 placed a pair of cards in the center of the table. "Two Aces." She noticed the angry Sailor Scout. "What do you want?"
Ralph turned around. "Sailor Mars? What do you oof!" Her high-heeled shoe found his groin, and the Jedi went sprawling. His voice became several octaves higher. "What do you want?"
"You replaced my Grandpa with some Gaijin womanizer. You die." She struck out again, seemingly forgetting her Senshi powers. Ralph groaned in pain as her foot impacted his gut. He braced himself for the next attack. However, by this time Krillin and Yamcha were restraining her. "Let me go!"
Using a Jedi technique to block out the pain. "What the hell do you think your doing?"
"My Grandpa is gone, you bastard! He's Sean Connery! What did you do to him? It was bad enough that you kidnapped me, but why did you have to do that! Why? Why." She began sobbing, and the Z fighters released her. Ralph placed his arm on her shoulder.
"There there. Tell me what happened."
"Well, *sniff* I got home and the shrine was gone. There was some mansion, and Grandpa wasn't there. Sean Connery was there, and he said he was my Grandpa, and there were these bimbos, and the guard called me "Ms. Connery," and I feel so alone and scared and I don't know what's going on and I smashed Usagi's window and..." It was at that moment that she began another series of moaning and wailing.
Ralph looked up at the others. "I think you should go to the ready room now." They complied. "Look at me, Rei." She didn't, and pulled herself closer, sobbing into his robe. He put some Force behind his next statement. "Look at me, Rei." This time, she obeyed. "Now, let me tell you something. Phil told you about that stuff with the dimensions and stuff, right?" She nodded. "About a week ago, your dimension merged with several of its neighbors. In the process, several timelines were modified. Some retained their original form, but most are patchwork creations. I think your Grandpa doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how you ended up being Sean Connery's kid, but it happened."
She sniffed. "I don't have a home anymore. I can't live with him."
"We'll work something out. Don't worry. How about I take you to my quarters, and you can take a nap?"
"OK." Ralph led Rei down the hall, a few steps to an elevator. After dropping three levels, he gave her a cardkey.
"It's room 18. Third door on the right. If you need somebody to talk to, call me at this number." He handed her a slip of paper. "Are you going to be alright?"
"Y-yes. *Sniff*. Thank you for everything."
"Look, I have to go. I have a mission in a few minutes. I'm truly sorry about everything that *mmmmmph!*" It was at that moment that she embraced him and kissed him passionately. He coughed into his hand. "Ahem. We'll talk later."
As they separated, their thoughts were in perfect sync: "Now where the hell did that come from?"
On Kaio-shin's planet:
They Supreme Kai was entering hour five of his spell, and Phil sighed. "Well, that got old fast." He pulled a Walkman from his pocket and began listening to the Best of Weird Al. Gohan was watching a portable TV.
"Good thing you brought all this stuff. I don't know how I would have managed without it."
"Y'know, we're more alike than I thought." And that scares me to the depths of my soul. "I had no idea that you were a Simpsons Fan."
"What, you kidding? They're hilarious! Training for most of my childhood, I didn't get a chance to watch TV much, though."
At that moment, Phil shuddered. Gohan queried, "What was that?"
"There was a great disturbance in the Force, as if a crime against all natural laws had just occurred. Probably nothing."
"OK. Mind passing the chips?"
"Not at all. Are Tim's Cascade Brand your favorite to?"
"Yup."
"Spooky, isn't it?"
* * *
For a few minutes, all he knew was wetness and dark. He was suspended in a tank of some kind of liquid, and had a mask that covered his mouth. He couldn't see anything. In these moments of consciousness, he wondered where he was. He struck out with his hand, shattering the opaque glass that covered his stasis tube. He found a new sensation as the hardened substance crushed above his face; pain. He stood up, shattering the rest of the glass. Where am I? This new place he was in was no brighter than the place where he had come from. He removed the breathing mask from his face; he instinctively knew that he could breathe in his new surroundings.
Triggered by his motion, several lights turned on. His pupils shrank back as the more pain assaulted his face. When the brightness became tolerable, he surveyed his surroundings. About him were various computers, consoles, displays and machines. He didn't comprehend any of them. That was when the memories caught up with him.
*Flash!* A green light filled the air, and he felt the agony as his intellect was stripped away and his body began to double in muscle mass. He was confused. Where am I? At his feet cowered a young man.
"It's some kind of living Hulk!"
*Flash! * "Vegeta! Help me!" He felt pain. More pain than he had ever felt before.
"Napa, you are pathetic. One who cannot stand is not worthy to be called a Saiyan." At that moment, the entire world disappeared in a flash of searing agony.
*Flash!* A horrible humanoid being with scythe-like blades jutting from her back laughed at him. "I can see inside your mind! You cannot summon that power again!" Again, there was pain, as blood flowed freely from several wounds. He found himself thinking of something called the Shi Shi Houkou Dan.
"What am I?" He looked into a mirror, and he saw a hideous monster staring back at him. He had green skin, and beetle-like wings. He had crests that jutted from his head like an ornamental helmet, and a long, supple tail extended from his back. He searched his memories for the answer to his question. "Who am I?" Recognition from several of his memories identified him as "Cell." "Cell is me?" He would need time to sift through all of his raging emotions. He didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Suddenly, a machine behind him inserted a probe into the back of his skull. He heard the voice of an older man.
"I am Doctor Geroe, your creator. You are Cell. You are perfection. You were made from the DNA and memories of the most powerful beings in the universe. Your mission is to kill those who oppose you, and rule over the rest. You are probably confused. Allow me to teach you what you need to know."
Cell let the knowledge sink in. I shall be complete. I will be the most powerful. I am Cell. I am perfection.
End Part 18
I bet that you thought I'd forgotten about Sailor Mars and Cell. Fat chance of that!
For those who couldn't guess, the Cell remembered a) the Hulk's birth, b) Napa's death, and c) Phil's battle with Kerrigan. I picked several instances that would stick out in the mind of those sampled.
Buu kicks Butt
By Bobcat
Disclaimer: Hello all! Once again, I am forced to admit that I do this in the name of art, and cannot legally receive monetary compensation. Why? Because I didn't invent many of the characters featured. Please don't sue!
Buu was happy. For over three hundred years, he'd been trapped in that tiny pod. He hadn't been able to move, nor talk. It had been incredibly boring. As he finished another loop, he gave a cry of joy. I love flying. And when he got bored with this, he could go and kill those nice people over there. I love killing. It was at this moment that the combined might of Goku, Gohan, GoChibi, Phil, Piccolo and Kaio-shin came crashing down on him.
Goku and Gohan were attacking together, coming to blows with Majin Buu. A flurry of punches and kicks were launched against the pink creature. Their fists left imprints in the creature's skin, but Majin Buu didn't even seem to notice. It casually swatted them aside. The Saiyans hit the ground and didn't move.
"Daddy!" GoChibi raced in, lightsaber blazing. The glowing blue blade began to slice at the monster. She left several burning gashes along Buu's arms and legs, but it didn't seem to worry the creature at all. She then stabbed it straight through the soft skin of its chest. "Hah! I'll gut you like a fish!" She brought the blade down, only to find that Buu had already moved back, so she sliced through nothing. The hole she had created healed over within seconds. "Ah crap." Buu's gloved fist smashed into her face, sending her flying.
The remaining warriors were launching ranged attacks. The various Chi bolts flew into Majin Buu, but had no visible effect. Phil curled his fingers into the shape of guns. "Improved Kamehameha rapid-fire mode!" He jerked his hands around at blinding speed, sending a barrage of invisible laser bolts at the creature. When they came into contact with Buu, there was a massive explosion. Piccolo, Phil and Kaio-shin managed to maintain their position. When the smoke cleared, Majin Buu looked no worse for wear. "Damn!"
Babadi had a look of pure glee upon his face. He was happily dancing, and he waved his staff at the warriors. "Fools! None of you are strong enough to give Majin Buu a good warm-up! You shall all perish, along with this world! Ha ha!"
Phil blew a trace of smoke from his hands. "Guys, I'm too weak to help you against Buu. However, if I can keep Babadi busy, we just might have a chance." He disappeared from sight, and then reappeared before Babadi. "Hello. Want to play some more Calvinball?"
"I refuse to ever participate in that moronic game ever again! Now die!" He fired a bolt of energy at Phil. Phil faded away and rematerialized behind Babadi. When Babadi looked at his arm, there was a stamp that read, "Reject!" on his limb. "You mock me again?"
"No, technically, to mock you again, I would have had to have stopped mocking you in the first place." Another bolt flew out towards the Policeman, he faded away again, and another stamp appeared on his arm. "Now son-in-law, how do you expect to get the Phoenix Pill without mastering the Sweet Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire technique?"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?" He attempted to kill Phil again. This time two stamps appeared.
"Now that... is a secret." Good old Ranma ; very good for confusing my opponents.
Far above their heads, Goku was launching another attack on Buu. I'm just not strong enough to hurt him! He managed to send the pink creature flying with a roundhouse kick, but Goku knew that he would be back soon enough. I'd like to use my full potential, but I could kill my allies just as easily as Buu! "Ka...me...ha...me...ha!" A powerful blast of energy that would have destroyed a planet was knocked aside by Buu.
"Weeeee! This is fun!" He sent his own Chi bolt. The blast fried the air as it flew. It smashed into Goku, consuming the dead Saiyan in a massive explosion. His unconscious form drifted from the smoke. He landed softly atop a mesa and didn't move.
"Dad!"
"Grandpa!"
The remaining Saiyans sent their own combined attack at Majin Buu. The assault that had vaporized Dabura was knocked aside by the pink monster's gloved hand. It traveled straight up out of the atmosphere. Buu giggled. "I love catch! Here you go!" He sent a pair of blasts just as powerful as his attack on Goku. Gohan managed to avoid the strike, but the girl from the future took the attack head on. Her fall wasn't nearly as controlled as Goku's had been; she flew downwards at over 100 feet per second. Piccolo managed to catch her.
The Namek looked at the little girl. "She's at least twice as powerful as me! If she couldn't stand up to Buu... we're all doomed." From where Goku had fallen, there was suddenly a massive increase of power. "NO WAY! That attack should have killed him!" He thought about what he'd said. "Oh yeah, he was already dead." The Saiyan flew upwards to face Buu once again.
Buu snorted disdainfully. "You're getting boring. I want a challenge!"
"Be careful what you wish for." Goku began to focus. I'd hoped I could defeat him without this power, but it's proven impossible. "Everybody, stay back!" Yelling in a primal scream of fury, the Super Saiyan disappeared in a flash of light. Even Majin Buu was forced to look away. When it became bearable to look, Goku had changed. His hair now extended beyond his legs, and his eyebrows had disappeared. He radiated a massive power.
Phil looked up from his efforts to annoy Babadi. "Wait a second. Goku wasn't supposed to transform to Super Saiyan level three yet!" He checked his comic book. There was indeed a picture of Goku at level three facing Buu above the badlands. "Oops. I may have changed reality more than I'd thought." According to the chaos theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause a hurricane in Florida. Phil was the equivalent of Mothra. He flipped the page. "Better see what happens next... continued in Dragon Ball collection number 17!? D'oh!" He easily withstood several attacks from Babadi. Phil knocked him back with a Force Push. "Back off! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Majin Buu didn't seem to notice Goku's sudden rise in power. The Saiyan rushed in, and Buu's first indication that something was wrong was when the punches started hurting. "Hey! That hurts! Bully!" He sent a Chi bolt at Goku. This time, he simply grabbed the energy attack and threw it back at Buu. The pink creature went flying.
Gohan was shocked. "A level... beyond Super Saiyan level two?"
Goku's face contorted in agony. "Something's... wrong..." The yellow aura collapsed, and his extra hair disappeared. Completely drained, he fell down to earth. This isn't right! I was able to maintain that state for hours in the other world!
Phil flew to catch Goku. "Everybody! We're leaving! Now!"
Kaio-shin looked at Phil. Goku was the strongest one here, and even he couldn't stand up to Buu! "We can't! If we let Buu run free, then the world is doomed!"
"They won't destroy the planet just yet. Besides, we aren't any good to the world dead! Well, except for you, Goku." They beat a hasty retreat.
Piccolo flew alongside Phil. "Where are we going?"
Phil spoke into his wristwatch. "This is Phil. Need transport for six." A wormhole opened up. "Goku and GoChibi need medical attention, and the Physics Police HQ has some of the best facilities in the known universe." The warriors flew in, and the swirling vortex of red and white closed.
Babadi came to, and saw that Buu was floating there. "Very good, my loyal servant! You destroyed them all!"
Buu was pouting. "I didn't get to kill anybody. They ran. Always ruining my fun!"
"Don't worry, Majin Buu. You shall have another chance. Now, let's go have some fun!" The wizard climbed onto Buu's back.
"OK!" Babadi had difficulty maintaining his grip as Majin Buu flew off at breakneck speeds.
* * *
About 15 minutes later:
Goku and GoChibi were in Bacta tanks. They were suspended in a gelatinous concoction that sped up cell regeneration. Gohan looked worriedly at the pair. "How are they, Doc?"
An older man looked down at his clipboard. "Well, they aren't in very good shape. For one thing, the man's body temperature is way below what it should be, and I'm not getting a pulse. If I didn't know better, I'd say this "Goku" fellow was dead."
"He is."
"O...K then. Otherwise, he's suffering from exhaustion and multiple wounds, ranging in severity from a scrape to a broken rib. His recuperative abilities are pretty impressive, so he should be fine after about two day's immersion. Now, as for the girl, my sensors report that she's drawing upon some manna and Force to repair herself. That's pretty impressive, considering that she's unconscious. She should be good as new in about a day. Now, the rest of you are free to go, but I wouldn't suggest any overly strenuous activities."
When the Z fighters left the medical ward, Phil was waiting for them. "Now, while you were visiting, I got you each a learners permit. It'll be good for a year, but I still think it would be best if you came in to get your permanent licenses after we've cleaned up this mess."
Kaio-shin looked up at Phil in shock. "B-but I am the Supreme Kai! The guardian of the northern Galaxy! The ruler of a quarter of the universe!"
"Now that's just super. However, in the eyes of the Physics Police, there isn't any difference between you and Majin Buu. Justice is blind, pal; everybody has to get their super hero license."
"Very well. Gohan, come with me."
Phil decided to pry. "And just where are you going?"
"If you must know..."
"I must! I must!"
"I'm going to teach Gohan my mystical power up. It will provide him with a greater power boost than any Super Saiyan transformation below this "level three" we witnessed today."
Phil paused. The doctor had informed him that he could never use the Kaio-ken again without killing himself. Now, the Supreme Kai was offering him power greater than his Kaio-ken times two hundred. "I'd be glad to come with you."
"You weren't invited!"
"Oh, why not?"
"You've been insulting me all day, and have gone against me at every turn!"
"You're point being?"
"You aren't coming!"
"Now we do this the hard way." Phil waved his hand at the Supreme Kai. "You'd be glad to have me along."
"I'd be glad to have you along."
"It's settled then."
Chief O'Connor had been monitoring the situation. Phil's been stepping outside of his jurisdiction lately, and using tactics I don't approve of. Time to nip this in the bud. He spoke into the loudspeaker. "Phil, this is O'Connor. Report to my office. Now!" He had considered saying "yesterday," but when a group has access to time travel equipment, more people tend to take that turn of phrase literally.
"I gotta go, but I'll be back in a minute."
"OK." As Phil darted off, Kaio-shin wondered what had possessed him to let the Police Officer come along.
"Uh, you wanted to see me, Chief?"
"Yes, I did. Sit down." Phil complied. "Now Phil, I can't say that you've been neglecting your duties. The way you pulled off your last assignment was brilliant. It's your constant vigilante justice that's been irritating me!"
"Oh?"
"For example, you didn't have the authority to do anything to Kerrigan but send her home. What did you do? You fought her and almost killed her!"
"Almost."
O'Connor ignored Phil for an instant and brought out a file. "You "arrested" her for genocide and genetic manipulation without a license. Correct?"
"My recollection is fuzzy."
"According to Physics Police law, that isn't illegal! Those things are a matter for the courts of the home dimension of the individual! Also, you couldn't arrest her for leaving dimensional boundaries without a license because she didn't do it on purpose! You were supposed to just send her and her brood back to home!"
"Sir, she was a force of pure evil. I made her home universe a better place to live."
"True, but you shouldn't have interfered!"
"Sir, my uncle Ben taught me a long time ago that with great power comes even greater responsibility."
"You don't have an uncle Ben!"
"Well, not anymore. He was killed because I didn't stop a criminal. I thought myself too important for such menial tasks. I came home, and aunt May told me the sad news. I hunted him down, and realized that he was the one I had let by. On that day, I vowed to fight evil in all of its forms as the Amazing/Spectacular Spiderman!"
"Phil, you have to stop confusing your life history with those of comic book characters. You aren't going to distract me."
"Darn!"
"Now, more recently, there was that incident where you got yourself involved with the battle against Majin Buu. Tell me, just how was that within our jurisdiction?"
"Sir, I believe that I was on shore leave. Also, neither my team nor I ever instigated an attack against Babadi or his minions. It was always self-defense."
"But that didn't give you the right to kill Nelka-Jo!"
"But I have a license to kill!"
"No, you have a 006 and 1/2, a license to seriously maim."
"But she was attacking with lethal force!"
"For a normal person, yes, that was lethal force. For you, she might as well have been whacking you with a feather!"
"Is there a point to this, Chief?"
"Yes! I don't want you to get involved in anything like this unless I tell you so!" It was at this moment that a tiny time hole appeared over O'Connor's desk. After a few moments, a small document entered the present. Phil grabbed it.
"Unit Commander Phil and his team are hereby given authority to engage in any activities that they judge to be necessary to preserve a timeline. Signed, Sector Commander O'Connor. Cool! Remind me to thank you in about twenty years, Chief." Phil flipped up, and used his flying powers to make it look as if he was climbing on the ceiling. He began to sing, "Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can..."
O'Connor sighed. "Sometimes I worry about that boy."
When Phil returned, Ralph and Ecks had joined the Z fighters. "Good, I was wondering where you two were. Now listen; I'm going to be gone for about a day. So will Gohan. GoChibi and Goku are also out of the running for a few hours. I want you two to recruit whatever Z fighters you can get to form a unit to harass Buu. Don't confront him directly; that can only get you killed. Hit and fade attacks are the best method. Coordinate with the guys running the transporters. Zap him with a good attack, then teleport out. Also, make sure that Goten and Trunks train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber; we need to have Gotenks running around to maintain the timeline."
Ralph looked at his commanding officer. "Uh, Phil, I've read enough manga to know that none of us can actually hurt Majin Buu. What good will that do?"
"Every second he's distracted by your efforts is a second that he isn't killing civilians. It'll keep them on their toes, and besides, you could get lucky. After all, Majin Buu may me nigh invulnerable, but Babadi isn't. Ralph, I'm putting you in charge of this little operation. Think you're up to it?"
"You can count on me, sir!"
"Good. If Goku and GoChibi wake up before I get back, make them part of your force and make sure that they don't try anything stupid. Got it?"
Ecks and Ralph saluted. "Yes, sir!"
"C'mon, Shin. We'll take the transporter to your planet."
"You know where my planet is?"
"Supreme Kai, in case you haven't guessed it, the Physics Police know just about everything; it's just a matter of sifting through the useless details." The two went for the transporter room. "Hey Gohan! Ya commin, or what?"
"I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
* * *
Several minutes later, Phil, Gohan and Kaio-shin were on the surface of another planet. It was similar to earth, the terran-class trees and grass. The water was blue (Phil was relieved to see this; he had found that anything else was just nasty), and the atmosphere was composed of Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and other trace gases. Phil inhaled deeply, and the air smelled sweet and clean. The planet seemed shrouded in eternal twilight, and it had a higher gravity pull than the earth.
Kaio-shin smiled. "It is good to be home again. Welcome to my planet."
"Nice place you got here."
"I'm glad that you approve, Phil. Now, before I can teach you anything, we need to meditate and clear our minds of all extraneous thought."
"No fair! You Anime people have an unfair advantage!"
"I have no idea what an "Anime" is, so I'll ignore that comment. Now, assume a lotus position and begin." For some reason, Phil found it easy to find a calm, trancelike state. This place produces a lot of Force! It's so easy to manipulate. Chi is easier to use here too. No wonder Shin decided to set up shop here. After several minutes, Kaio-shin stood up.
"I believe that you are now ready. I will now cast a spell that will give you the ability to focus your Chi as never before. It is very similar to a Super Saiyan power up, but far more effective." With that, the Supreme Kai began to sing a very odd song, sung in a lost language (what he sang was the Kaio-shin race's equivalent to Weird Al Yanchovic's song "Albuquerque," but nobody knew that). He then ran around the pair of warriors in a large circle, waving his arms in a style that could only be described as "the Monkey."
Gohan whispered to Phil. "Has he snapped?"
"No, believe it or not, this is completely serious. It will work."
"How do you know that?"
"I've taken assignment in universes almost identical to yours. Believe me, this will give us greater strength than Majin Buu. Unless he absorbs somebody."
* * *
Ralph watched as Majin Buu began to rip apart a Honda factory. Babadi sat back a short distance away, laughing as the workers fled. Ralph spoke into a walkie-talkie. "This is Bossman calling Wannabe. I repeat, Bossman calling Wannabe. Over."
"Ralph, why do we have to have these stupid call signs? Over."
"Well Ecks, it makes it a lot cooler, but now you've ruined the effect. Thanks a lot! Now, is your team in position? Over."
"Yes, over."
"Move in my mark. Over."
"Roger, over."
Ralph spoke into his wristwatch. "Ralph to Transporter Room A. Come in."
"This is transporter room A. We are ready to teleport you out if you need to."
"Roger, transporter room A. Ralph to Ecks. Mark."
"Planet X beam!" The shaft of light flew up at Majin Buu, and the magical attack forced the monster to halt his attack.
Ralph noted that Ecks jumped into a nearby wormhole as Buu's counterattack flew in. "Better start my own spell. By the Hammer of Thor,"
Android 18 and Yamcha sent their own energy beams up at Buu. They had little effect, but the creature was once again distracted, allowing several workers to flee to safety.
"And the Eye of Odin,"
Piccolo used his special beam cannon on Buu. It blasted into his right side, burrowing through his skin. After a few moments, the pink tissue healed itself. Krillin's Destructo Disk sliced into Majin Buu's torso, but stopped a few centimeters in. The pair left via the same portal as Yamcha and Android 18.
"Lend me the strength of,"
Tein launched his signature maneuver, the Tri attack. A beam of energy smashed into Buu. The attack seemed to do more damage to the three-eyed warrior then it did Majin Buu. Tein staggered into Eck's wormhole. By this time, Ralph's body glowed a bright yellow from his collected energies.
"The collectors of fallen warriors.
Valkyrie Beam!"
This time, he had placed his hands together, so instead of two smaller attacks, there was one gigantic attack. A massive horse composed of yellow energy, with a sword-wielding rider of the same composition, raced up at Majin Buu. The pink monster shielded its face as the spell's energy consumed him. When the flash subsided, Buu was covered in major burns. Within a few moments, the creature's healing powers had repaired the damage done by the attacks.
Drained by the spell, Ralph fell into another wormhole. After a few moments of drifting in the off-color space between dimensions, the Mage landed on the cushions. The various fighters were waiting for him. They began to walk back to base. Piccolo spat. "We're wasting our time. We should be fighting him directly! What good have we done so far?"
"We've kept Babadi on his toes, for one thing. Our attacks are spit wads compared to what Buu can put out; however, any stray shot could easily kill Babadi. Also, we gave hundreds of people time to escape. I'd say we're doing exactly what Phil told us to do. Now who wants to play some poker?"
The Namek face faulted. "W-what? We need to launch another attack!"
"Look Piccolo, Tein and I need some time to recharge from our attacks. Besides, if we go in too many times, Buu will start to expect us. The more tired we get, the more likely that one of us will get killed. So, we're taking a half hour break."
Ecks grinned. "Before we start, I'd like you to meet my new pet. His name is Joe." She ran off to her quarters, and returned with a snakelike creature dangling from a rod mounted on her back. It was furry, and had tiny, vestigial arms. What surprised Ralph the most was that he found himself unable to detect Ecks with the Force.
"Wait a second... is that thing a ysalarmiri?"
"Bingo. Within a ten-meter radius, the Force effectively doesn't exist. What, did you think that I would take your cheating lying down?"
"Where did you get that?"
"You'd be surprised what the pet shops around here carry."
"Ah." It was at that moment that they reached the Rec Room. "OK, here we are. Who's joining us?"
Piccolo went off to meditate, but the other Z fighters were more than willing to partake in some relaxation. Krillin was dealing. "Hey Ralph, there's something wrong with the deck."
"What do you mean?"
"It's one card short. You're missing the... Ace of Clubs."
"Oh yeah... it's in my pocket. Just a sec." He dug out the poker card. "I can't even remember why I separated it from the deck...AW CRAP!" The picture of Sailor Mars was still looking out at him with a blazing fury in her eyes.
Yamcha commented, "I didn't know you guys collected Sailor Moon trading cards to! I'll trade you a Luna for it!" The other occupants of the room looked at him with unveiled looks of disgust on their faces.
"Sailor Mars Card, Release and Dispel!" Using his wand, Ralph released the Senshi of Fire. She materialized in the middle of the aging card table, which collapsed under her weight. After a few moments, she recovered from the shock.
"All right, you! You're going to give Usagi back right... now... where the hell am I?" She noticed the collection of freaks and weirdoes. Ralph was massaging his temples.
"Damn! I'd forgotten about this little... unpleasantness."
"What?! You kidnapped me, then forgot about it?" At this point, she had grabbed Ralph by the front of his Jedi robe and was shaking him back and forth. "You're going to take me home right now!"
"Very well. Sorry guys, you better play without me." He led the irate Sailor Senshi to the transporter room. "Hey, Jack."
The portly man running the transporters grinned. "Hey, Ralph? Who's your friend?"
"Uh, Jack, this is Rei, AKA Sailor Mars. Sailor Mars, this is Jack."
As she shook his hand, she glared at Ralph. "And just how do you know my name?"
"I used to watch your show before they canceled it."
"Huh?"
"Never mind. Jack, I need a wormhole to the Juban district of Tokyo for two."
"Which universe?"
"FC-1." Jack made the proper adjustments, and a hole in the space-time continuum crackled into existence. "Oh, and Happy Birthday, Jack."
"Thanks Ralph." The pair disappeared into the wormhole.
* * * *
"You know, you didn't have to escort me home!" By this time, she had reverted to her less conspicuous street clothes.
"Look, I am sorry about what happened. If you'll recall, you did attack me."
"But you'd kidnapped Usagi!"
"And like I tried to explain, it had to be done, but you just leapt to conclusions. Like Phil said, we aren't villains, just heroes with a different agenda. Now, how can I make this up to you?"
"By leaving me alone, you jerk!"
"As you wish. Now, promise you'll tell the other Senshi to stay out of this business with Majin Buu."
"From what you said, we wouldn't stand a chance, so yes. Now buzz off!"
"Very well." Ralph flew off and was sucked into a wormhole that appeared from nowhere.
"Great! Now that he's gone, I have to tell Grandpa where I've been for the last... week... Ieeeeeeeee!" Where a shrine had once stood, there was now an extravagant mansion. There was a pair of armed guards who sat in booths on opposite sides of a large gate. She walked up to one of them. "Uh, excuse me..."
"Ah, Ms. Connery! Very good to see you! Your grandfather has been notified of you arrival!" Scratching her head, Rei walked into the large structure. The main hallway had to be at least two stories tall.
"Hello?" Her voice echoed. Down a large staircase came a shorter Gaijin man. He was pudgy, and had white hair and a scraggly beard. What she noticed first was that he had a woman on each arm. If you added up their ages, they might have equaled the man, but Rei sincerely doubted it.
He looked at her. "Ah, there you are! You remember Cindi and Bunni."
"Hello, Cindi, Bunni. Who are you?"
"Ah, I see that your week at acting camp has paid off. I almost believed that you didn't recognize your own grandfather. Ha!" The airheads joined in his hearty laughter.
Where have I seen him before...wait, I think I saw a movie with him once. "Sean Connery is my Grandpa?!!?"
"Yes, you are a lucky girl, aren't you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some... business to attend to." The trio went back up the stairs, giggling. Of course, by this time Rei was storming out. As she walked to Usagi's house, she decided that she needed to calm down.
Rage won't help anything. She calmly walked down the street. Calmly passed the school and the ice cream parlor. Calmly found Usagi's home. Calmly scaled the side of the house, calmly positioned herself on Usagi's windowsill, calmly threw a brick through the window, and calmly grabbed Luna by the scruff of her neck and began to calmly shake the life out of the cat. "You work for them. Take me to the Physics Police. Now."
"W-What?"
"Now."
Luna had never seen that kind of rage in the girl's eyes before. She focused, and a wormhole was formed from the energies in the crescent moon on her head. "There you go. What's all this about?"
Ignoring the cat, Mars transformed. Somehow, her extreme anger shortened the process to a fraction of a second. "I shall avenge you, Grandpa. I swear it." She walked into the portal, and it closed behind her.
Luna grimaced. "I wonder what Phil did this time?"
In a few seconds, Sailor Mars found herself in the transporter room. Jack recognized her from before. "Oh, hello Rei." It was at that instant that her fist found his chin, and the technician lay unconscious on the ground. Guided by her sixth sense, she managed to find the Rec Room (it also helped that there were several "you are here" signs along the way). By this time, the Z fighters and SU5 were engaged in a game of BS.
Android 18 placed a pair of cards in the center of the table. "Two Aces." She noticed the angry Sailor Scout. "What do you want?"
Ralph turned around. "Sailor Mars? What do you oof!" Her high-heeled shoe found his groin, and the Jedi went sprawling. His voice became several octaves higher. "What do you want?"
"You replaced my Grandpa with some Gaijin womanizer. You die." She struck out again, seemingly forgetting her Senshi powers. Ralph groaned in pain as her foot impacted his gut. He braced himself for the next attack. However, by this time Krillin and Yamcha were restraining her. "Let me go!"
Using a Jedi technique to block out the pain. "What the hell do you think your doing?"
"My Grandpa is gone, you bastard! He's Sean Connery! What did you do to him? It was bad enough that you kidnapped me, but why did you have to do that! Why? Why." She began sobbing, and the Z fighters released her. Ralph placed his arm on her shoulder.
"There there. Tell me what happened."
"Well, *sniff* I got home and the shrine was gone. There was some mansion, and Grandpa wasn't there. Sean Connery was there, and he said he was my Grandpa, and there were these bimbos, and the guard called me "Ms. Connery," and I feel so alone and scared and I don't know what's going on and I smashed Usagi's window and..." It was at that moment that she began another series of moaning and wailing.
Ralph looked up at the others. "I think you should go to the ready room now." They complied. "Look at me, Rei." She didn't, and pulled herself closer, sobbing into his robe. He put some Force behind his next statement. "Look at me, Rei." This time, she obeyed. "Now, let me tell you something. Phil told you about that stuff with the dimensions and stuff, right?" She nodded. "About a week ago, your dimension merged with several of its neighbors. In the process, several timelines were modified. Some retained their original form, but most are patchwork creations. I think your Grandpa doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how you ended up being Sean Connery's kid, but it happened."
She sniffed. "I don't have a home anymore. I can't live with him."
"We'll work something out. Don't worry. How about I take you to my quarters, and you can take a nap?"
"OK." Ralph led Rei down the hall, a few steps to an elevator. After dropping three levels, he gave her a cardkey.
"It's room 18. Third door on the right. If you need somebody to talk to, call me at this number." He handed her a slip of paper. "Are you going to be alright?"
"Y-yes. *Sniff*. Thank you for everything."
"Look, I have to go. I have a mission in a few minutes. I'm truly sorry about everything that *mmmmmph!*" It was at that moment that she embraced him and kissed him passionately. He coughed into his hand. "Ahem. We'll talk later."
As they separated, their thoughts were in perfect sync: "Now where the hell did that come from?"
On Kaio-shin's planet:
They Supreme Kai was entering hour five of his spell, and Phil sighed. "Well, that got old fast." He pulled a Walkman from his pocket and began listening to the Best of Weird Al. Gohan was watching a portable TV.
"Good thing you brought all this stuff. I don't know how I would have managed without it."
"Y'know, we're more alike than I thought." And that scares me to the depths of my soul. "I had no idea that you were a Simpsons Fan."
"What, you kidding? They're hilarious! Training for most of my childhood, I didn't get a chance to watch TV much, though."
At that moment, Phil shuddered. Gohan queried, "What was that?"
"There was a great disturbance in the Force, as if a crime against all natural laws had just occurred. Probably nothing."
"OK. Mind passing the chips?"
"Not at all. Are Tim's Cascade Brand your favorite to?"
"Yup."
"Spooky, isn't it?"
* * *
For a few minutes, all he knew was wetness and dark. He was suspended in a tank of some kind of liquid, and had a mask that covered his mouth. He couldn't see anything. In these moments of consciousness, he wondered where he was. He struck out with his hand, shattering the opaque glass that covered his stasis tube. He found a new sensation as the hardened substance crushed above his face; pain. He stood up, shattering the rest of the glass. Where am I? This new place he was in was no brighter than the place where he had come from. He removed the breathing mask from his face; he instinctively knew that he could breathe in his new surroundings.
Triggered by his motion, several lights turned on. His pupils shrank back as the more pain assaulted his face. When the brightness became tolerable, he surveyed his surroundings. About him were various computers, consoles, displays and machines. He didn't comprehend any of them. That was when the memories caught up with him.
*Flash!* A green light filled the air, and he felt the agony as his intellect was stripped away and his body began to double in muscle mass. He was confused. Where am I? At his feet cowered a young man.
"It's some kind of living Hulk!"
*Flash! * "Vegeta! Help me!" He felt pain. More pain than he had ever felt before.
"Napa, you are pathetic. One who cannot stand is not worthy to be called a Saiyan." At that moment, the entire world disappeared in a flash of searing agony.
*Flash!* A horrible humanoid being with scythe-like blades jutting from her back laughed at him. "I can see inside your mind! You cannot summon that power again!" Again, there was pain, as blood flowed freely from several wounds. He found himself thinking of something called the Shi Shi Houkou Dan.
"What am I?" He looked into a mirror, and he saw a hideous monster staring back at him. He had green skin, and beetle-like wings. He had crests that jutted from his head like an ornamental helmet, and a long, supple tail extended from his back. He searched his memories for the answer to his question. "Who am I?" Recognition from several of his memories identified him as "Cell." "Cell is me?" He would need time to sift through all of his raging emotions. He didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Suddenly, a machine behind him inserted a probe into the back of his skull. He heard the voice of an older man.
"I am Doctor Geroe, your creator. You are Cell. You are perfection. You were made from the DNA and memories of the most powerful beings in the universe. Your mission is to kill those who oppose you, and rule over the rest. You are probably confused. Allow me to teach you what you need to know."
Cell let the knowledge sink in. I shall be complete. I will be the most powerful. I am Cell. I am perfection.
End Part 18
I bet that you thought I'd forgotten about Sailor Mars and Cell. Fat chance of that!
For those who couldn't guess, the Cell remembered a) the Hulk's birth, b) Napa's death, and c) Phil's battle with Kerrigan. I picked several instances that would stick out in the mind of those sampled.
