Part 29
The Cell Saga Ends
Disclaimer: You know, this is futile. I mean, we all know that I didn't invent most of these people, yet hundreds of fanfiction authors still feel compelled to do it. Therefore, as an act of rebellion, I refuse to mention that this is a work of art and not an attempt to make money off of any of these franchises. So there!
Author's note: I'll bet you never saw this ending coming!
For those few who opted to skip last chapter, here's a recap.
Phil and Cell bashed on each other for a bit. Then, each unveiled their full potential. Phil found himself unable to injure Cell, so Phil used his symbiote's web to attach a sonic grenade to the back of Cell's head and Ralph used a fire attack to keep him down. Taking advantage of the momentary respite, Phil did the Fusion Dance with Gohan, thus unleashing Ph'lan, one of the most powerful warriors in the known multiverse. They transformed to Super Saiyan Level Two, and attacked.
Ph'lan faded away, then reappeared to Cell's right. Cell attempted to catch the fused warrior with a slice from his adamantium claws, but they only passed through his afterimage. A one-two punch combo caught Cell in the gut. It sent him flying into a nearby cursed pool. When Cell exited, Ph'lan had to laugh.
There, in what can only be described as a birthday suit, was a woman. Cell's symbiote instinctively shifted to cover up the NC-17 rated material. (It had had two hosts before Cell, and neither liked to be naked in public; this was one of many odd traits of humanity that it didn't understand). Cell looked down and did a double take. The costume was the one worn by Venom without a mask, but Cell noticed that her body was completely different. She was still a level one Super Saiyan, so her blonde hair extended upwards. She glared at Ph'lan. "You know, this will have very little effect on me. Do you have any idea how many shapeshifters I've absorbed?" Cell concentrated. After a moment, she reverted to her true form. Once he focused his attention on Ph'lan again, however, he became she. "What?"
Ph'lan grinned. "These ancient curses usually have only one cure, and no loopholes. What you need is some hot water." Ph'lan pretended to scan. "Huh. None to be found. Oh well. I'll just have to make some then." Ph'lan summoned a black and red orb. "Dragon Blast!"
"No!" Cell's protest came too late. Before the confused warrior could get away, Ph'lan's blast hit the water, simultaneously superheating it and sending a large wave up. "Eek!" When Cell was again visible, Cell was still in his female form.
Ecks tapped Ralph's shoulder. "Wait a second. I thought hot water cured the curse."
Ralph nodded. "Normally, yes. However, when the cursed water is hot, it gives one a reversed curse, triggered by hot water and cured by cold. Now Cell has two curses, each identical, and each trapping her. No amount of water at any temperature will help her."
Ecks winced. "That doesn't sound pleasant."
"Nope." Ralph was then hit by a flash of inspiration. He cupped his hands over his mouth. "Phil, I know you can hear me in there!"
"Whadaya want?"
"I know how to beat Cell. This fight is unnecessary!"
"I don't particularly care. Besides, I've spent the last three years constantly fighting and training for this kind of battle. I will not have all of that time be a waste!" With that, Phil shifted back into the Ph'lan persona.
"But I know how to beat Cell without any superpowers!"
"Shut up, Ralph."
"But..."
"Shaddap!"
Meanwhile, Cell glared at Ph'lan. "I'll kill you for this. Wait, change that. I'm going to kill you very slowly for this."
Ph'lan snorted. "Oh, come on! Your natural form was specifically designed to optimize your Chi potential and strength. You're a lot weaker in this form. Also, absorbing all of those heroes wouldn't do you any good; you already had their strength and powers, so you aren't significantly stronger. I, on the other hand, just spent the last month training at two thousand times Earth's gravity. I already had a power advantage, you just became a lot weaker, and Omi and GoChibi can also fuse. You've lost, Cell."
She grinned. "Oh really? Here's a little item I stole from Juggernaut."
"What, the X-Men villain?"
"Bingo." She pulled a red crystal from a pocket of the symbiote. "I've been saving this for just such an emergency."
Ralph's eyes widened as he recognized the ruby. "Take her out! Now! The power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak will put her beyond anything you've ever seen!"
"What?" But it was too late for Ph'lan to act.
Cell said, "Whosoever touches this gem shall possess the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak." The Earth began to shake, and Ph'lan was held back by an wall of red energy. "Henceforth, you who read these words shall become forevermore a human juggernaut!" She cried out as her body was reshaped. The crystal buried itself deep within her chest. When the process was over, she was about eight feet tall, and incredibly muscular. She was clothed in red armor, with a metallic helmet that covered her entire head. "Ready for round three, pinhead?"
"Your fancy crystal doohickey doesn't scare me!" Ph'lan raced in at high speeds, attempting to catch her with another attack. She simply stood her ground. Ph'lan rammed into her gut, and bounced off. "What the hell?"
She grinned. "Now to make you suffer, you asshole!"
Ph'lan nervously looked back at the Omi and GoChibi. "Uh, girls, this might be a good time to do your Fusion Dance."
"OK." A moment later, Omigo stood where the pair of future girls had performed the dance. She also shifted to Super Saiyan level two. "You're going down, Cell. In the name of the Future Moon, I shall punish you! Sailor Minimoon Transformation!" After a scene involving a lot of spinning and some nudity, Omigo was dressed in a pink Sailor Fuku. "I hate this thing, but I need all the power I can get."
Cell stood there, arms crossed over her chest. "I'm unimpressed. Can we get this over with? I have a planet to destroy."
Ph'lan looked at his companion. "We have to work together if we're even going to scratch her. Got it?"
"Yeah. Improved Kamehameha Rapid-fire Mode!" The pair sent a hail of energy bolts out at Cell. There was a massive explosion as they struck home. "Direct hit!" When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed completely undamaged. "How in the blue hell did she survive that? That was enough energy to vaporize a large planet!"
"You just don't get it, do you? Think about it; Cain Marko goes from some nobody with above average strength to a guy who could match the Hulk. Now, I go from the most powerful being in the universe, to... let's not mince words, God. It's that simple."
Ph'lan said, "Don't you mean goddess?"
Cell cracked her knuckles. "You just earned yourself even more suffering."
Ph'lan clenched his fists. "Improved Super Kaio-ken times ten!" A dull red glow surrounded him, and his Chi boosted to new levels. And he was still nothing compared to Cell. "Damn!" Ph'lan ignited his lightsaber. Then, Ph'lan noticed something; Cell was still using her Super Saiyan state, with an explosive yellow aura. He thought, "Man is she egotistical! She's not even concerned about how much energy she's giving off!" Then Ph'lan had an idea. "I can use her own strength against her."
Ph'lan summoned a white ball of Chi. This one was significantly larger than the previous attack. "Phil's Ryu Ougi!" The modified Spirit Bomb flew out, and Cell attempted to dodge it. However, Ph'lan used his Force powers to redirect the attack in midair, sending it flying into Cell's aura. The ball rapidly absorbed large amounts of Chi, then exploded on contact. When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed unhurt, although her Chi had dropped slightly. However, this confirmed two things. 1) Although the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak made her stronger, it impeded her speed, and 2) showed that her energy could be absorbed. Ph'lan summoned another ball.
Cell realized that she couldn't win if this kept up. "He'll eventually suck me dry... I've got it!" She let the attack come. She simply reversed her transformation, so the tiny ball of Chi dissipated upon contact with her chest. "Cut off the power, and that attack is useless." The yellow aura surrounded her again. "Now it's my turn." She faded out of sight, and reappeared behind Ph'lan. However, her adamantium claws found only thin air. "What? Oof!" Ph'lan's kick caught her in the back, and would have snapped her spine had it not been encased in adamantium.
"Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" The blast of purple energy sent her flying into the ground. The attack also vaporized a few of the pools. "Direct hit!"
Cell shook her head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs. "How is this possible? I'm a lot more powerful than he is, but I can't touch him." Then she realized something. "It's just like when Future Trunks went fully into the Ascended Saiyan state; my muscles are too large and bulky. The Crimson Bands make me way stronger, but it slows me down." She powered down significantly, and bore a closer resemblance to her previous state. "There. That should do it."
Ph'lan cursed. "Damn! I was hoping she wouldn't realize that. She just cut her power in half, and she's still stronger than the two of us combined!"
Cell faded away, then caught Omigo with a brutal kick to the gut. She didn't stop there; the fused girl was subjected to a uppercut that sent her sailing through the sky. Ph'lan caught Cell in a full nelson. With a muffled "bamf" and a puff of smoke, Cell teleported out of his grasp. "Damn!"
On the sidelines, Ralph had an idea. Ralph attempted to strike her mind with the Force. "Take out the mind, and the body soon follows..." Ralph found himself blocked. "What? Cell doesn't have enough Force training to do that!"
Cell smirked through the helmet. She flicked it with her middle finger, causing a loud ringing. The symbiote flinched, and she made a mental note not to do that again. Then she remembered what she was trying to demonstrate. "This helmet makes me impervious to all mental and magical attacks. You're helpless."
Ralph cried out, "Ph'lan! Remove the..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read enough X-Men to know that."
Cell then cried out in pain. Omigo was floating behind her, with the blue blade of her lightsaber extending from Cell's stomach. "Take that."
Cell coughed up some blood. "You know what, girly? That *hack* really doesn't hurt at all." Her adamantium blades left their housing and Cell slashed through the lightsaber's handle. "Let's see how you like my claws." Omigo attempted to avoid the strike, but three claws embedded themselves into her chest. Her eyes widened, and she attempted to speak. However, all that she managed to do was to get blood on her Fuku, as the claws had punctured her lungs. After a few seconds, her eyes reverted to their normal brown, and then glazed over. Her hair went from yellow to green, and she fell to the ground in a heap.
Ph'lan's aura grew larger. "No! No more innocents shall die on my watch!" Fueled by his anger, his power level rose nearly ten percent. This boost gave the Ph'lan a fighting chance, and the sulfurous yellow blade met the unyielding metal.
On the ground, Ralph was attempting to perform a healing spell. His hands glowed yellow for a moment, and waves of manna flowed into the girl. However, Omigo's condition continued to deteriorate. He finally managed to use a spell to put her into a weak healing trance, but it was only a temporary fix. It would, at best, give her another five minutes. "There's too much dark magic in the area to perform anything serious enough to help her. We can't do anything, Ecks."
Ecks was shocked, and tears rolled down her cheeks. This was the closest she had ever been to death. Then she noticed an object lying on the ground next to the wounded girl. "What's that?"
"Just some... Silver Imperium Crystal?"
"The what?"
"It's the most powerful magical artifact in the universe! It can heal the wounded, raise the dead, reshape matter! This could be exactly what we need to beat Cell!" Ralph reached out to pick it up, and received a painful shock for his trouble. "Ouch! So much for that. It must only recognize GoChibi as its proper user. Why didn't I see it before? She brought it to the past in the Anime, why not here?" He then looked up at Ecks. "Grab it."
"What?"
"You're close enough to being a Sailor Senshi that you can survive long enough to get it into physical contact with her. From what I've read, it's intelligent enough to take it from there."
"OK." She reached out, and gritted her teeth as tendrils of electricity coursed up and down her arm. She dropped it twice, but finally managed to put it into the girl's hands. Almost immediately, her chest wounds closed up. However, Ralph's healing trance kept her unconscious. "Now it's all in Ph'lan's hands. Even if he doesn't stand a chance in hell."
"Gee, thanks Ralph." Ph'lan slashed out with the lightsaber, slicing into Cell's abdomen. However, her healing factor and nanobots quickly repaired the damage. "Damn it all! Multiform technique!" Ph'lan's outline became blurred for a moment, and four Ph'lans stood where one had been before. Three went into battle, dancing around Cell. The other flew back for a conference. "I can't win. I've calmed down enough that I lost the boost." One of the Ph'lans took a punch to the gut that sent him flying. "Ooh. I'm gonna be feeling that soon. Anyways, she's too strong, and that healing factor of hers is too quick to let me get in any serious wounds. I have an idea. Do you have any spells that use magnetism?"
Ralph considered it. "I think so. Why?"
"See if you can separate Cell from the adamantium. When Magneto did that to Wolverine in the X-Men comics, it shut down his healing factor for a few months. She'll still have Piccolo's regeneration technique, but it'll at least let me hurt her."
"Right. Just keep her busy while I find it. Also, remove the helmet or I can't cast the spell."
Ph'lan nodded, then faded away. Two of the others were also converted into energy and absorbed by the remaining Ph'lan. He shook his head. Various wounds caught up with him simultaneously, and he collapsed. Reaching into his back pocket, he managed to eat a senzu bean in time to be kicked in the gut by a vengeful Cell. "You've trapped me in this accursed form. I've played with you long enough. Now you die." She readied a Chi bolt.
Ph'lan thought quickly. "Solar Flare!" Cell was momentarily blinded, and Ph'lan managed to slip behind him. He then placed his hands on either side of the helmet. Focusing massive amounts of Chi, he cried out, "Big Bang Attack!" For Cell and Ph'lan, all the world was engulfed in a bright, yellow flash.
Ralph saw the roiling fireball headed towards them. He spread out his hands. "I call up the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak!" A force field surrounded the noncombatants, and Ph'lan's attack washed over them.
Ecks said, "Isn't that what Cell's using?"
"Yup. But, if Doctor Strange can do it, so can I." All around them, the top five feet of soil had been completely vaporized by the attack. Several cursed springs had ceased to exist. A nearby mountain had been vaporized, and a landslide was now falling to envelop a nearby valley.
* * *
In the Chinese Amazons' village, men and women of all ages were scurrying about, unsure of where to run. Gel was in a meditative stance. The earth shook beneath their feet, and several huts had collapsed. Despite Gel's warnings, the tribe had stayed. Soap begged her, "Oh wise elder, what do you foresee?"
Gel smirked, despite the dire situation. "Wise elder, is it? Three days ago, according to you, I was a "blind old fool" who was almost stoned for heresy, simply because I suggested that we should leave before we were destroyed. "Of course no man is this strong", you said. "The Amazons are the greatest power of in the world." Now you know better. I hope that the pride of you and our sisters hasn't killed us all."
"Please! I asked a question of you?"
"The future is in flux, Soap. It is clouded by the specter of death. However, the man that you attacked is at the center of it all. Our fate is in his hands. There is no more I can tell you." Soap went off to tell the acting matriarch. Gel sighed. "May the Gods be with you, Phil."
* * *
Cell's ears were burning. Not because somebody was talking about her, however; her ears were literally on fire. She quickly converted her body into ice, then unfroze herself. This was enough to hold the fire at bay. She found that the helmet no longer blocked her peripheral vision. In fact, it had been completely vaporized. She listened, and heard nothing. She couldn't even communicate with the symbiote, which had died in the blast. She said, "Now where is he?" That was when she realized that all she could hear was a buzzing noise. The loud boom that accompanied the attack had deafened her. The nanobots and her healing factor restored her senses in a few moments. Now, she could hear the ragged sound of her own breathing. "If I was hurt this badly, then the shockwave will have killed all of those meddling fools. Good."
"Not quite."
"What?" Standing behind her was Phil. His half hour of being Ph'lan had run out. His Chi was almost at zero, and she was impressed that he could stand up at all. "How did you survive that? How?"
"I'm more powerful than you give me credit for." He reached into his back pocket, looking for a senzu bean.
"Don't bother. By the time you get that into your mouth, you'll be dead."
"Oh really? Hit it, Ralph."
Ralph gestured with his wand. "By Vulcan, God of Metallurgy, Magnetus Totalitae!" Ralph's spell caused every metal items in the immediate area to be drawn towards his wand. Phil was forced to unclip his lightsaber to avoid being drawn in.
For Cell, it was pure agony. She wailed as the adamantium was leeched from her bones. The pain became worse as it took the only escape route open to them: her pores. Also, the nanobots that swam through her veins were also drawn out of her body. She collapsed, as the misshapen metal was drawn towards the enchanted wand.
Phil snarfed the bean, and the energy flowed through his body. He utilized the Mystical Powerup. "Time for the final round, Cell. If you can stand, that it."
Cell felt a wet sensation along her limbs. She looked, and saw her own blood flowing freely. "How did you do that?" She focused, and she could feel various wounds to her vital organs being slowly repaired by the magics of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak, but it wasn't nearly as efficient as before. "What... my healing factor should be a lot faster than this!" She staggered to her feet, but was knocked down by one of the pseudopoda that Phil's symbiote had extended.
"As strong as it is, adamantium is just as vulnerable to magnetism as the iron it was made from. And for the second question, your body's in extreme shock. Ralphie boy here just knocked out your healing factor."
"God, that hurts." She began to focus her Chi, and a few of her wounds were healed. Again, she came to her feet. "You think you've won, don't you?"
"You can hardly stand, so yeah, I'd say it was a pretty safe bet."
"You forget one very important thing."
"And that is?"
She unleashed the full energy of the crystal that was now a part of her. "You aren't as fast as you were before. I don't need to pull my punches to be able to hit you." Before Phil could respond, her large, meaty fist lashed and caught him in the chin. The Mystical Warrior went unconscious, and would have a nasty headache for another week or so. That is, if Cell let him live. However, she turned her attention to Ralph. "You caused me a lot of pain, Jedi. You're a wild card, and a major threat to my continued existence. I think I'll kill you first."
Ralph grinned. "Now we get to do this my way. Hey Cell, do I get a last request?"
Cell thought. "Well, I suppose..."
"Cell, how long have you been alive?"
She halted. This question caught her completely off guard. "About two months. Why?"
Behind his back, Ralph pressed a few buttons on a cylindrical device. Pulling out his neuralizer, Ralph said, "Goodbye, Cell." In a flash of red light, the being known as Cell ceased to exist.
Cell looked around. "Huh? Where am I?" She then realized that even more vital information was missing. "Who am I?"
Ralph grinned wickedly. "Sister Mary, that was quite a bump to the head you took."
"What?"
"Oh dear. It would seem that you have suffered amnesia. I'll tell you everything. You are sister Mary, and you are a nun."
"I am?"
"Yes child. Lying over there is... Pope Phil. Yes, that will do nicely. You don't remember anything?"
"No."
"Well, your holy task is to... keep the cursed springs of Jusenkyo clean!"
"Really?"
Ralph worked hard to suppress a giggle. This was working better than he had thought it would. "Yes. Here is your mop." She took the cleaning implement. Oh dear, what is that you're wearing?"
She looked down. "What's wrong with it?"
"Why, it's filthy. And torn. And you aren't that muscular."
"Oh." Somehow, she instinctively powered down. Her hair became a bright pink, and was shoulder length. From his infinitely large Anime back pocket, Ralph pulled out some nun-style clothing.
"I knew it was a good idea to hold onto this after Halloween. Here you go. Now, get to work! This is quite a mess you've made!"
"I did?"
Ralph was having a very good time. "YES! There used to be a church here, but you accidentally lit the propane tanks! For this sin, you must rebuild it!"
"Yes, Father! I shall do it!"
"You shall be forgiven when your task is complete."
She bowed. "I will begin at once!" Taking her mop, Cell... that is, Sister Mary ran swiftly out of earshot. That was when the giggles that Ralph had been suppressing burst out.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don't think Phil could have done better!"
Phil and Gohan woke up. They looked around, scanning the area. "What happened?" said Phil.
"Oh, I just beat Cell."
'Oh, that's nice. Now where's Ce..." Phil did a rapid double take. "YOU BEAT WHO?"
"Cell. It's no big deal."
"NO BIG DEAL? WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"Oh, I neuralized her. She thinks that she's a nun by the name of Sister Mary. Oh, and I told her that you're the pope."
"WHAT?" Phil stopped. "Ah man, that's perfect! I wish I'd thought of that!"
"I thought you'd be pleased." A groan from nearby indicated that Omigo was waking up.
She rubbed her chest. There were three parallel scars. "What happened?"
Ralph said, "Oh, we just beat Cell. Nothing important."
"Oh, that's... YOU DID WHAT?"
Ralph said to Phil, "I see the family resemblance." The Fusion Dance wore off, and GoChibi looked down at the Silver Imperium Crystal. "Now, how long have you had that there?"
"The entire time, I suppose. It just didn't seem important."
Phil sighed. "I can see the Usagi leaking through. Now, let's just go back to the shrine. I feel like I could sleep for a week."
Gohan yawned. "I second that motion."
"Oh, Gohan, you can go home now. We won't be needing you anymore."
"What? You think you can just toss me aside when I'm not useful anymore?"
"In a word, yes."
Gohan sighed. "Well, I guess I should be going anyways. Mom will be wondering where I've been."
Phil waved it off. "She already knows. Don't worry."
GoChibi gave her father a hug. "I'll miss you, Daddy."
"See you later, squirt." He flew away to Japan.
Phil watched him leave. "Well, we have places to be. C'mon."
Later that night, at the Masaki Shrine:
SU5 and accompanying future girls were walking the short path between the porch and the door. Phil turned the knob, and gave Ralph a sideways glance. "Well, despite the author's best attempts, I didn't fall into the Spring of the Drowned Girl. Cell is defeated, and soon everything will be back to normal. Things are definitely looking up."
As he walked through the door, Ayeka was waiting for him. "Oh, hi Ayeka."
She glared at him angrily. "Prepare for my righteous vengeance!"
"Huh?" She cocked her arm back, ready to let fly with... a water balloon? It flew through the air, and Phil didn't even bother to respond. As the cold water splattered on his shirt, he felt a tingly sensation. Suddenly, everything else grew, and he felt an odd sensation about his chest. "What the... since when is my voice that high?" Phil brushed some long blue hair from about his eyes, and realized that his hair was neither long, nor blue. It all came together. "Bobcat!"
What, I told you I wouldn't give up so easily.
She glared at Ayeka. "When did you do that?"
I can answer that; I had that scene two chapters ago so that she could learn about the Springs, and gave her three days of unspecified time to work with. Ayeka wasn't affected by the pool, since she already was a girl. So there. Ha ha!
Meanwhile, Phil was not a happy aquatranssexual.* The anger. The humiliation. The rage. The fatigue. The murderous impulses of the symbiote. It was all too much for her to stand. Phil's hair began to rise up. Her eyes went from green to a light blue. Then, her hair turned blonde. Not even noticing the transformation, Phil pointed his finger at Ayeka.
"I can't hurt the author, but you've gone too far. Now you die, bitch."
Ayeka surrounded herself with a force field, and began backing away. She began to realize that she may have miscalculated.
End Part 29
If any of you did predict that ending, you must be a Jedi or something. How will this curse affect Phil's sanity? Since when is Phil a Saiyan? These and other mysteries will be addressed in Part 30. Or maybe not. It depends on whether or not I feel like it.
* Aquatranssexual: The politically correct way of describing a man who fell into the Spring of the Drowned Girl, or vice versa.
The Cell Saga Ends
Disclaimer: You know, this is futile. I mean, we all know that I didn't invent most of these people, yet hundreds of fanfiction authors still feel compelled to do it. Therefore, as an act of rebellion, I refuse to mention that this is a work of art and not an attempt to make money off of any of these franchises. So there!
Author's note: I'll bet you never saw this ending coming!
For those few who opted to skip last chapter, here's a recap.
Phil and Cell bashed on each other for a bit. Then, each unveiled their full potential. Phil found himself unable to injure Cell, so Phil used his symbiote's web to attach a sonic grenade to the back of Cell's head and Ralph used a fire attack to keep him down. Taking advantage of the momentary respite, Phil did the Fusion Dance with Gohan, thus unleashing Ph'lan, one of the most powerful warriors in the known multiverse. They transformed to Super Saiyan Level Two, and attacked.
Ph'lan faded away, then reappeared to Cell's right. Cell attempted to catch the fused warrior with a slice from his adamantium claws, but they only passed through his afterimage. A one-two punch combo caught Cell in the gut. It sent him flying into a nearby cursed pool. When Cell exited, Ph'lan had to laugh.
There, in what can only be described as a birthday suit, was a woman. Cell's symbiote instinctively shifted to cover up the NC-17 rated material. (It had had two hosts before Cell, and neither liked to be naked in public; this was one of many odd traits of humanity that it didn't understand). Cell looked down and did a double take. The costume was the one worn by Venom without a mask, but Cell noticed that her body was completely different. She was still a level one Super Saiyan, so her blonde hair extended upwards. She glared at Ph'lan. "You know, this will have very little effect on me. Do you have any idea how many shapeshifters I've absorbed?" Cell concentrated. After a moment, she reverted to her true form. Once he focused his attention on Ph'lan again, however, he became she. "What?"
Ph'lan grinned. "These ancient curses usually have only one cure, and no loopholes. What you need is some hot water." Ph'lan pretended to scan. "Huh. None to be found. Oh well. I'll just have to make some then." Ph'lan summoned a black and red orb. "Dragon Blast!"
"No!" Cell's protest came too late. Before the confused warrior could get away, Ph'lan's blast hit the water, simultaneously superheating it and sending a large wave up. "Eek!" When Cell was again visible, Cell was still in his female form.
Ecks tapped Ralph's shoulder. "Wait a second. I thought hot water cured the curse."
Ralph nodded. "Normally, yes. However, when the cursed water is hot, it gives one a reversed curse, triggered by hot water and cured by cold. Now Cell has two curses, each identical, and each trapping her. No amount of water at any temperature will help her."
Ecks winced. "That doesn't sound pleasant."
"Nope." Ralph was then hit by a flash of inspiration. He cupped his hands over his mouth. "Phil, I know you can hear me in there!"
"Whadaya want?"
"I know how to beat Cell. This fight is unnecessary!"
"I don't particularly care. Besides, I've spent the last three years constantly fighting and training for this kind of battle. I will not have all of that time be a waste!" With that, Phil shifted back into the Ph'lan persona.
"But I know how to beat Cell without any superpowers!"
"Shut up, Ralph."
"But..."
"Shaddap!"
Meanwhile, Cell glared at Ph'lan. "I'll kill you for this. Wait, change that. I'm going to kill you very slowly for this."
Ph'lan snorted. "Oh, come on! Your natural form was specifically designed to optimize your Chi potential and strength. You're a lot weaker in this form. Also, absorbing all of those heroes wouldn't do you any good; you already had their strength and powers, so you aren't significantly stronger. I, on the other hand, just spent the last month training at two thousand times Earth's gravity. I already had a power advantage, you just became a lot weaker, and Omi and GoChibi can also fuse. You've lost, Cell."
She grinned. "Oh really? Here's a little item I stole from Juggernaut."
"What, the X-Men villain?"
"Bingo." She pulled a red crystal from a pocket of the symbiote. "I've been saving this for just such an emergency."
Ralph's eyes widened as he recognized the ruby. "Take her out! Now! The power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak will put her beyond anything you've ever seen!"
"What?" But it was too late for Ph'lan to act.
Cell said, "Whosoever touches this gem shall possess the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak." The Earth began to shake, and Ph'lan was held back by an wall of red energy. "Henceforth, you who read these words shall become forevermore a human juggernaut!" She cried out as her body was reshaped. The crystal buried itself deep within her chest. When the process was over, she was about eight feet tall, and incredibly muscular. She was clothed in red armor, with a metallic helmet that covered her entire head. "Ready for round three, pinhead?"
"Your fancy crystal doohickey doesn't scare me!" Ph'lan raced in at high speeds, attempting to catch her with another attack. She simply stood her ground. Ph'lan rammed into her gut, and bounced off. "What the hell?"
She grinned. "Now to make you suffer, you asshole!"
Ph'lan nervously looked back at the Omi and GoChibi. "Uh, girls, this might be a good time to do your Fusion Dance."
"OK." A moment later, Omigo stood where the pair of future girls had performed the dance. She also shifted to Super Saiyan level two. "You're going down, Cell. In the name of the Future Moon, I shall punish you! Sailor Minimoon Transformation!" After a scene involving a lot of spinning and some nudity, Omigo was dressed in a pink Sailor Fuku. "I hate this thing, but I need all the power I can get."
Cell stood there, arms crossed over her chest. "I'm unimpressed. Can we get this over with? I have a planet to destroy."
Ph'lan looked at his companion. "We have to work together if we're even going to scratch her. Got it?"
"Yeah. Improved Kamehameha Rapid-fire Mode!" The pair sent a hail of energy bolts out at Cell. There was a massive explosion as they struck home. "Direct hit!" When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed completely undamaged. "How in the blue hell did she survive that? That was enough energy to vaporize a large planet!"
"You just don't get it, do you? Think about it; Cain Marko goes from some nobody with above average strength to a guy who could match the Hulk. Now, I go from the most powerful being in the universe, to... let's not mince words, God. It's that simple."
Ph'lan said, "Don't you mean goddess?"
Cell cracked her knuckles. "You just earned yourself even more suffering."
Ph'lan clenched his fists. "Improved Super Kaio-ken times ten!" A dull red glow surrounded him, and his Chi boosted to new levels. And he was still nothing compared to Cell. "Damn!" Ph'lan ignited his lightsaber. Then, Ph'lan noticed something; Cell was still using her Super Saiyan state, with an explosive yellow aura. He thought, "Man is she egotistical! She's not even concerned about how much energy she's giving off!" Then Ph'lan had an idea. "I can use her own strength against her."
Ph'lan summoned a white ball of Chi. This one was significantly larger than the previous attack. "Phil's Ryu Ougi!" The modified Spirit Bomb flew out, and Cell attempted to dodge it. However, Ph'lan used his Force powers to redirect the attack in midair, sending it flying into Cell's aura. The ball rapidly absorbed large amounts of Chi, then exploded on contact. When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed unhurt, although her Chi had dropped slightly. However, this confirmed two things. 1) Although the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak made her stronger, it impeded her speed, and 2) showed that her energy could be absorbed. Ph'lan summoned another ball.
Cell realized that she couldn't win if this kept up. "He'll eventually suck me dry... I've got it!" She let the attack come. She simply reversed her transformation, so the tiny ball of Chi dissipated upon contact with her chest. "Cut off the power, and that attack is useless." The yellow aura surrounded her again. "Now it's my turn." She faded out of sight, and reappeared behind Ph'lan. However, her adamantium claws found only thin air. "What? Oof!" Ph'lan's kick caught her in the back, and would have snapped her spine had it not been encased in adamantium.
"Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" The blast of purple energy sent her flying into the ground. The attack also vaporized a few of the pools. "Direct hit!"
Cell shook her head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs. "How is this possible? I'm a lot more powerful than he is, but I can't touch him." Then she realized something. "It's just like when Future Trunks went fully into the Ascended Saiyan state; my muscles are too large and bulky. The Crimson Bands make me way stronger, but it slows me down." She powered down significantly, and bore a closer resemblance to her previous state. "There. That should do it."
Ph'lan cursed. "Damn! I was hoping she wouldn't realize that. She just cut her power in half, and she's still stronger than the two of us combined!"
Cell faded away, then caught Omigo with a brutal kick to the gut. She didn't stop there; the fused girl was subjected to a uppercut that sent her sailing through the sky. Ph'lan caught Cell in a full nelson. With a muffled "bamf" and a puff of smoke, Cell teleported out of his grasp. "Damn!"
On the sidelines, Ralph had an idea. Ralph attempted to strike her mind with the Force. "Take out the mind, and the body soon follows..." Ralph found himself blocked. "What? Cell doesn't have enough Force training to do that!"
Cell smirked through the helmet. She flicked it with her middle finger, causing a loud ringing. The symbiote flinched, and she made a mental note not to do that again. Then she remembered what she was trying to demonstrate. "This helmet makes me impervious to all mental and magical attacks. You're helpless."
Ralph cried out, "Ph'lan! Remove the..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read enough X-Men to know that."
Cell then cried out in pain. Omigo was floating behind her, with the blue blade of her lightsaber extending from Cell's stomach. "Take that."
Cell coughed up some blood. "You know what, girly? That *hack* really doesn't hurt at all." Her adamantium blades left their housing and Cell slashed through the lightsaber's handle. "Let's see how you like my claws." Omigo attempted to avoid the strike, but three claws embedded themselves into her chest. Her eyes widened, and she attempted to speak. However, all that she managed to do was to get blood on her Fuku, as the claws had punctured her lungs. After a few seconds, her eyes reverted to their normal brown, and then glazed over. Her hair went from yellow to green, and she fell to the ground in a heap.
Ph'lan's aura grew larger. "No! No more innocents shall die on my watch!" Fueled by his anger, his power level rose nearly ten percent. This boost gave the Ph'lan a fighting chance, and the sulfurous yellow blade met the unyielding metal.
On the ground, Ralph was attempting to perform a healing spell. His hands glowed yellow for a moment, and waves of manna flowed into the girl. However, Omigo's condition continued to deteriorate. He finally managed to use a spell to put her into a weak healing trance, but it was only a temporary fix. It would, at best, give her another five minutes. "There's too much dark magic in the area to perform anything serious enough to help her. We can't do anything, Ecks."
Ecks was shocked, and tears rolled down her cheeks. This was the closest she had ever been to death. Then she noticed an object lying on the ground next to the wounded girl. "What's that?"
"Just some... Silver Imperium Crystal?"
"The what?"
"It's the most powerful magical artifact in the universe! It can heal the wounded, raise the dead, reshape matter! This could be exactly what we need to beat Cell!" Ralph reached out to pick it up, and received a painful shock for his trouble. "Ouch! So much for that. It must only recognize GoChibi as its proper user. Why didn't I see it before? She brought it to the past in the Anime, why not here?" He then looked up at Ecks. "Grab it."
"What?"
"You're close enough to being a Sailor Senshi that you can survive long enough to get it into physical contact with her. From what I've read, it's intelligent enough to take it from there."
"OK." She reached out, and gritted her teeth as tendrils of electricity coursed up and down her arm. She dropped it twice, but finally managed to put it into the girl's hands. Almost immediately, her chest wounds closed up. However, Ralph's healing trance kept her unconscious. "Now it's all in Ph'lan's hands. Even if he doesn't stand a chance in hell."
"Gee, thanks Ralph." Ph'lan slashed out with the lightsaber, slicing into Cell's abdomen. However, her healing factor and nanobots quickly repaired the damage. "Damn it all! Multiform technique!" Ph'lan's outline became blurred for a moment, and four Ph'lans stood where one had been before. Three went into battle, dancing around Cell. The other flew back for a conference. "I can't win. I've calmed down enough that I lost the boost." One of the Ph'lans took a punch to the gut that sent him flying. "Ooh. I'm gonna be feeling that soon. Anyways, she's too strong, and that healing factor of hers is too quick to let me get in any serious wounds. I have an idea. Do you have any spells that use magnetism?"
Ralph considered it. "I think so. Why?"
"See if you can separate Cell from the adamantium. When Magneto did that to Wolverine in the X-Men comics, it shut down his healing factor for a few months. She'll still have Piccolo's regeneration technique, but it'll at least let me hurt her."
"Right. Just keep her busy while I find it. Also, remove the helmet or I can't cast the spell."
Ph'lan nodded, then faded away. Two of the others were also converted into energy and absorbed by the remaining Ph'lan. He shook his head. Various wounds caught up with him simultaneously, and he collapsed. Reaching into his back pocket, he managed to eat a senzu bean in time to be kicked in the gut by a vengeful Cell. "You've trapped me in this accursed form. I've played with you long enough. Now you die." She readied a Chi bolt.
Ph'lan thought quickly. "Solar Flare!" Cell was momentarily blinded, and Ph'lan managed to slip behind him. He then placed his hands on either side of the helmet. Focusing massive amounts of Chi, he cried out, "Big Bang Attack!" For Cell and Ph'lan, all the world was engulfed in a bright, yellow flash.
Ralph saw the roiling fireball headed towards them. He spread out his hands. "I call up the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak!" A force field surrounded the noncombatants, and Ph'lan's attack washed over them.
Ecks said, "Isn't that what Cell's using?"
"Yup. But, if Doctor Strange can do it, so can I." All around them, the top five feet of soil had been completely vaporized by the attack. Several cursed springs had ceased to exist. A nearby mountain had been vaporized, and a landslide was now falling to envelop a nearby valley.
* * *
In the Chinese Amazons' village, men and women of all ages were scurrying about, unsure of where to run. Gel was in a meditative stance. The earth shook beneath their feet, and several huts had collapsed. Despite Gel's warnings, the tribe had stayed. Soap begged her, "Oh wise elder, what do you foresee?"
Gel smirked, despite the dire situation. "Wise elder, is it? Three days ago, according to you, I was a "blind old fool" who was almost stoned for heresy, simply because I suggested that we should leave before we were destroyed. "Of course no man is this strong", you said. "The Amazons are the greatest power of in the world." Now you know better. I hope that the pride of you and our sisters hasn't killed us all."
"Please! I asked a question of you?"
"The future is in flux, Soap. It is clouded by the specter of death. However, the man that you attacked is at the center of it all. Our fate is in his hands. There is no more I can tell you." Soap went off to tell the acting matriarch. Gel sighed. "May the Gods be with you, Phil."
* * *
Cell's ears were burning. Not because somebody was talking about her, however; her ears were literally on fire. She quickly converted her body into ice, then unfroze herself. This was enough to hold the fire at bay. She found that the helmet no longer blocked her peripheral vision. In fact, it had been completely vaporized. She listened, and heard nothing. She couldn't even communicate with the symbiote, which had died in the blast. She said, "Now where is he?" That was when she realized that all she could hear was a buzzing noise. The loud boom that accompanied the attack had deafened her. The nanobots and her healing factor restored her senses in a few moments. Now, she could hear the ragged sound of her own breathing. "If I was hurt this badly, then the shockwave will have killed all of those meddling fools. Good."
"Not quite."
"What?" Standing behind her was Phil. His half hour of being Ph'lan had run out. His Chi was almost at zero, and she was impressed that he could stand up at all. "How did you survive that? How?"
"I'm more powerful than you give me credit for." He reached into his back pocket, looking for a senzu bean.
"Don't bother. By the time you get that into your mouth, you'll be dead."
"Oh really? Hit it, Ralph."
Ralph gestured with his wand. "By Vulcan, God of Metallurgy, Magnetus Totalitae!" Ralph's spell caused every metal items in the immediate area to be drawn towards his wand. Phil was forced to unclip his lightsaber to avoid being drawn in.
For Cell, it was pure agony. She wailed as the adamantium was leeched from her bones. The pain became worse as it took the only escape route open to them: her pores. Also, the nanobots that swam through her veins were also drawn out of her body. She collapsed, as the misshapen metal was drawn towards the enchanted wand.
Phil snarfed the bean, and the energy flowed through his body. He utilized the Mystical Powerup. "Time for the final round, Cell. If you can stand, that it."
Cell felt a wet sensation along her limbs. She looked, and saw her own blood flowing freely. "How did you do that?" She focused, and she could feel various wounds to her vital organs being slowly repaired by the magics of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak, but it wasn't nearly as efficient as before. "What... my healing factor should be a lot faster than this!" She staggered to her feet, but was knocked down by one of the pseudopoda that Phil's symbiote had extended.
"As strong as it is, adamantium is just as vulnerable to magnetism as the iron it was made from. And for the second question, your body's in extreme shock. Ralphie boy here just knocked out your healing factor."
"God, that hurts." She began to focus her Chi, and a few of her wounds were healed. Again, she came to her feet. "You think you've won, don't you?"
"You can hardly stand, so yeah, I'd say it was a pretty safe bet."
"You forget one very important thing."
"And that is?"
She unleashed the full energy of the crystal that was now a part of her. "You aren't as fast as you were before. I don't need to pull my punches to be able to hit you." Before Phil could respond, her large, meaty fist lashed and caught him in the chin. The Mystical Warrior went unconscious, and would have a nasty headache for another week or so. That is, if Cell let him live. However, she turned her attention to Ralph. "You caused me a lot of pain, Jedi. You're a wild card, and a major threat to my continued existence. I think I'll kill you first."
Ralph grinned. "Now we get to do this my way. Hey Cell, do I get a last request?"
Cell thought. "Well, I suppose..."
"Cell, how long have you been alive?"
She halted. This question caught her completely off guard. "About two months. Why?"
Behind his back, Ralph pressed a few buttons on a cylindrical device. Pulling out his neuralizer, Ralph said, "Goodbye, Cell." In a flash of red light, the being known as Cell ceased to exist.
Cell looked around. "Huh? Where am I?" She then realized that even more vital information was missing. "Who am I?"
Ralph grinned wickedly. "Sister Mary, that was quite a bump to the head you took."
"What?"
"Oh dear. It would seem that you have suffered amnesia. I'll tell you everything. You are sister Mary, and you are a nun."
"I am?"
"Yes child. Lying over there is... Pope Phil. Yes, that will do nicely. You don't remember anything?"
"No."
"Well, your holy task is to... keep the cursed springs of Jusenkyo clean!"
"Really?"
Ralph worked hard to suppress a giggle. This was working better than he had thought it would. "Yes. Here is your mop." She took the cleaning implement. Oh dear, what is that you're wearing?"
She looked down. "What's wrong with it?"
"Why, it's filthy. And torn. And you aren't that muscular."
"Oh." Somehow, she instinctively powered down. Her hair became a bright pink, and was shoulder length. From his infinitely large Anime back pocket, Ralph pulled out some nun-style clothing.
"I knew it was a good idea to hold onto this after Halloween. Here you go. Now, get to work! This is quite a mess you've made!"
"I did?"
Ralph was having a very good time. "YES! There used to be a church here, but you accidentally lit the propane tanks! For this sin, you must rebuild it!"
"Yes, Father! I shall do it!"
"You shall be forgiven when your task is complete."
She bowed. "I will begin at once!" Taking her mop, Cell... that is, Sister Mary ran swiftly out of earshot. That was when the giggles that Ralph had been suppressing burst out.
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don't think Phil could have done better!"
Phil and Gohan woke up. They looked around, scanning the area. "What happened?" said Phil.
"Oh, I just beat Cell."
'Oh, that's nice. Now where's Ce..." Phil did a rapid double take. "YOU BEAT WHO?"
"Cell. It's no big deal."
"NO BIG DEAL? WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"Oh, I neuralized her. She thinks that she's a nun by the name of Sister Mary. Oh, and I told her that you're the pope."
"WHAT?" Phil stopped. "Ah man, that's perfect! I wish I'd thought of that!"
"I thought you'd be pleased." A groan from nearby indicated that Omigo was waking up.
She rubbed her chest. There were three parallel scars. "What happened?"
Ralph said, "Oh, we just beat Cell. Nothing important."
"Oh, that's... YOU DID WHAT?"
Ralph said to Phil, "I see the family resemblance." The Fusion Dance wore off, and GoChibi looked down at the Silver Imperium Crystal. "Now, how long have you had that there?"
"The entire time, I suppose. It just didn't seem important."
Phil sighed. "I can see the Usagi leaking through. Now, let's just go back to the shrine. I feel like I could sleep for a week."
Gohan yawned. "I second that motion."
"Oh, Gohan, you can go home now. We won't be needing you anymore."
"What? You think you can just toss me aside when I'm not useful anymore?"
"In a word, yes."
Gohan sighed. "Well, I guess I should be going anyways. Mom will be wondering where I've been."
Phil waved it off. "She already knows. Don't worry."
GoChibi gave her father a hug. "I'll miss you, Daddy."
"See you later, squirt." He flew away to Japan.
Phil watched him leave. "Well, we have places to be. C'mon."
Later that night, at the Masaki Shrine:
SU5 and accompanying future girls were walking the short path between the porch and the door. Phil turned the knob, and gave Ralph a sideways glance. "Well, despite the author's best attempts, I didn't fall into the Spring of the Drowned Girl. Cell is defeated, and soon everything will be back to normal. Things are definitely looking up."
As he walked through the door, Ayeka was waiting for him. "Oh, hi Ayeka."
She glared at him angrily. "Prepare for my righteous vengeance!"
"Huh?" She cocked her arm back, ready to let fly with... a water balloon? It flew through the air, and Phil didn't even bother to respond. As the cold water splattered on his shirt, he felt a tingly sensation. Suddenly, everything else grew, and he felt an odd sensation about his chest. "What the... since when is my voice that high?" Phil brushed some long blue hair from about his eyes, and realized that his hair was neither long, nor blue. It all came together. "Bobcat!"
What, I told you I wouldn't give up so easily.
She glared at Ayeka. "When did you do that?"
I can answer that; I had that scene two chapters ago so that she could learn about the Springs, and gave her three days of unspecified time to work with. Ayeka wasn't affected by the pool, since she already was a girl. So there. Ha ha!
Meanwhile, Phil was not a happy aquatranssexual.* The anger. The humiliation. The rage. The fatigue. The murderous impulses of the symbiote. It was all too much for her to stand. Phil's hair began to rise up. Her eyes went from green to a light blue. Then, her hair turned blonde. Not even noticing the transformation, Phil pointed his finger at Ayeka.
"I can't hurt the author, but you've gone too far. Now you die, bitch."
Ayeka surrounded herself with a force field, and began backing away. She began to realize that she may have miscalculated.
End Part 29
If any of you did predict that ending, you must be a Jedi or something. How will this curse affect Phil's sanity? Since when is Phil a Saiyan? These and other mysteries will be addressed in Part 30. Or maybe not. It depends on whether or not I feel like it.
* Aquatranssexual: The politically correct way of describing a man who fell into the Spring of the Drowned Girl, or vice versa.
