Part 32

Why Phil's Life Sucks

Chapter 1

By Bobcat

Disclaimer: Several Copyright Lawyers (read between the lines: hired goons) from Funimation and Pioneer LDCA, the respective owners of Dragon Ball Z and Tenchi Muyo, have brought to my attention (read: they beat me up repeatedly) that they didn't appreciate my lackadaisical attitude about copyright laws. From now on, all fics will have the appropriate disclaimers. This isn't mine. There, I said it... put down the gun, Luigi.



Phil waited for death. Ultron, the robot that stood above her, had inflicted it upon many. In her injured state, Phil had little doubt she was about to become another victim. She waited. And waited. She thought, "What the heck is going on here?"

Ultron beeped. "Analysis complete. Strength registers as above human. Subject injured. Threat level: one. Preparing to exterminate." He raised his metal hand and leveled it at Phil. Then it stopped. "Level ten threat not found. Fact: energy wasted to eliminate subject may be vital in bring down level ten threat. Fact: subject is injured, and looks to be incapable of movement. Conclusion: Ultron will hunt down and slay level ten threat, then deal with subject later." Activating his rockets, Ultron flew away.

Phil coughed weakly. "Well, this form does seem to have its advantages. Excellent camouflage." She attempted to move her right arm to grab a senzu bean from her back pocket. The pain that she had been feeling somehow managed to intensify. She moaned. She manipulated her symbiote, ordering it to put a pseudopod into her back pocket, and move one of the beans to her mouth.

Having consumed to magical fruit, Phil felt much better. She managed to stagger to her feet. She heard shrieks of terror as Ultron began to search for his quarry. "No time to look for hot water. Can't be helped, I guess." She used the Mystical Powerup. "Time for round two, metalhead."

Ultron was halted from his search as Phil powered up. He saw Phil fly out of the rubble of the building. "New energy detected. Analyzing threat level... threat level eleven!"

"Improved Kamehameha Rapid-Fire Mode!" A barrage of laser bolts flew out, catching the adamantium robot repeatedly. Phil was shocked when she realized that Ultron seemed to ignore the barrage. "Shit."

"Well, Organism, you succeeded in fooling me. I shall not make the same mistake twice." With that, Ultron fired his disruptors.

Phil barely managed to avoid the strike. In fact, she avoided it almost casually. "Well well well. It looks like I'm faster in this form. Good. I'll need the speed." She began to fade in and out of sight disappearing and reappearing at random points around Ultron.

Phil suddenly stopped. She had an idea. Not an awful idea, but it was pretty clever nonetheless. Phil remembered how the Avengers had beaten Ultron the first time. His objective was to destroy all life. What did they do? Tricked him into downloading an order into his brain: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Ultron self destructed. For some reason, robots always self destruct when confronted with a paradox. She grinned. "I know how to beat you. Hey Ultron, are you dead?"

Ultron halted his assault. "Excuse me?"

"I'll say it again. Are. You. Dead?"

"Of course not!"

"Then that would make you alive. And since your prime directive is the annihilation of all life, and you are alive, I say that you must destroy yourself in order to complete your mission!"

"Nice try! My self preservation programs override the need to destroy myself. And, if I destroyed myself, I would fail the mission." He patted his chest. "That Paradox Shield that the Master installed is already paying for itself!"

"And who would this "Master" be?"

"None of your concern, organism. You shall soon be too busy dieing to care anyways." Ultron didn't want to admit that he truly didn't know either. The disruptors fired again, with Phil narrowly evading the strike.

Phil cursed. "I can't win. That thing has enough power to hold out forever, and it's invincible. Neither applies to me. Damn." She dodged another strike. Suddenly, Ultron was struck by a blast of energy. "Who?"

There was Chibi Ryoko. Plastered on her face was a smirk that made Phil want to flee in terror. Again. "Phil, why ever did you leave me behind if you were going out to have fun? Don't worry; I'll take it from here." What surprised Phil, however, was the fact that her hair was yellow. And she was surrounded by an aura of the same color.

"ANOTHER SUPER SAIYAN?"

Chibi Ryoko concentrated for a moment, then, to Phil's shock, three blades of energy formed a Y shape before her. "THE LIGHT HAWK WINGS?!"

She shook her head. "Phil, you of all people should know this stuff is all hereditary." Two of the blades passed over her, clothing her in a black jumpsuit with red sleeves. The third blade became a sword, which she grabbed. "Now for the intriguing clash of power. Will the Lightning Eagle Sword, which can supposedly cut through anything, penetrate the metal that nothing can break? I'm very curious."

Ultron was scanning the newcomer. "Analysis complete. Level eleven threat. Decision: destroy them both!" Ultron fired his disruptors at Chibi Ryoko, who teleported away from the strike.

Chibi Ryoko disappeared for a moment. Even with Phil's advanced reflexes, she could hardly track the future girl as she flew in and slashed Ultron. When the skirmish ended, Ultron's torso armor had a diagonal cut about an inch deep. Ultron's Chi Dampers had forced Chibi Ryoko to shift back to her normal state. The sword disappeared, and her clothes shifted back to Ryoko's green dress. She considered the situation, and then addressed Phil. "Intriguing. I believe, that with my strength and the power of the sword, I would have been able to slice him in half, had he not been using the Chi Dampers. I lack the energy to use either the Light Hawk Wings or my Super Saiyan state. And besides, I have no idea how thick that armor is; I'd have to hit the exact same spot again in order to have a chance at finishing him off. Alternate methods required."

Ultron was also contemplating recent events. "Impossible! Diagnostic Sensors indicate a near breach in my indestructible hide! Elevating newcomer to threat level fifteen!"

Phil, on the other hand, was still pondering what she had said. "It's all hereditary... that would mean that... Ryoko's a Saiyan?"

Chibi Ryoko flew in at Ultron. Ultron, who had expected her to power up first, missed with his disruptor bolts. Becoming intangible, the prodigy phased into Ultron's chest. Sparks flying from his mouth, Ultron collapsed in a heap.

Phil blinked. "What the hell just happened?"

Chibi Ryoko held up what looked to be some computer hardware. "Even an indestructible robot like Ultron needs his central processor."

Phil's eyebrow rose. "You knew which one it was?"

She chuckled. "What, you think that's complex? I'm not as good as Grandmother, but robotics is my specialty!" She summoned an energy laptop much like Washuu's. "Hmmm. Let's see here... unit designated Ultron. Prime directive: the destruction of all life. We can't have that, now can we?" She pressed a button, deleting all of Ultron's memory. The screen flashed. "New prime directive required, eh?" She considered it. "What sounds good?" Then she grinned again. She typed for a few moments, then looked at her handiwork. The screen read, "Serve Chibi Ryoko." Said future girl nodded. "There, that should do it." She ordered the computer to perform a diagnostic scan. As it came up, she shook her head. "Tisk Tisk. Whoever built this thing didn't know what he was doing. He's been upgraded, but not nearly enough. I'll have to work on that."

Phil powered down. "What did you do?"

"Oh, he's just my servant until the end of time. Or at least until I get bored."

"How?"

She grinned again. Phil shuddered. "It was simplicity to reprogram him. I mean, do you call five different passwords, of increasing length, with the possibility of a nuclear meltdown in the event of an incorrect letter security?"

"Uh, yes." Phil noted that this was exactly why the Physics Police generally left Washuu alone. Phil heard Police sirens in the distance. "So, um... we should we be going now."

"OK." Summoning the laptop again, Phil found herself teleported into a pocket dimension, then into the Masaki's living room. She landed on her rear. "Ouch."

Kione, who had just collapsed on the couch after a long patrol (everything seems to last longer when Mihoshi was around, which it did. Neither of them knew it, but Mihoshi possessed a reality bending stupidity field. Since the ditz liked nothing better than going out on patrol with her partner, she subconsciously slowed down time. But, nobody knew that.), was quite surprised to see a miniature version of Ryoko exit a square portal, along with a buxom blue haired girl. She got over it fast; not surprising, considering what she'd been through at the Masaki residence alone. "Oh, hi Phil."

Phil got up, dusting herself off. "Hey, Kione. How goes it?"

She groaned. "I just got back from a patrol with the ditz-master that I swear lasted five hours longer than it should have. I'm tired. I'm hungry. How do you think it goes?"

Phil winced. Then, realized that he could take advantage of her confused state. "Well, I hope you'll feel better for our date tonight."

Her eyes widened. "Was that tonight? I have to go get ready!" She quickly dashed upstairs.

Chibi Ryoko looked at her mentor. "Phil, why do I get the feeling that you didn't really have date with her for tonight?"

"Because you evidently inherited all of Washuu's powers of deduction. Besides, it's not like this little deception is going to hurt her or anything. She could use a night without Mihoshi. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go return to my proper gender." Phil floated upstairs.

* * *

There is an unwritten law of physics that governs the love life of a superhero: the villains always messes it up. Occasionally, fear or dislike of the main character's alter ego, especially in the case of masked vigilantes such as Spiderman, will force them apart. More often, this rule of thumb simply disrupts any dates that they have planned. Odds are roughly 1:1 that a superhero's date will be mucked up by a villain attacking wherever they happen to be having their date. This also applies to anything that the hero would enjoy, i.e. a rock concert. However, it rarely applies to anything that they would rather not do. This law is a corollary of Murphy's Law.

Now, Phil's recent actions have placed him under the category of superhero, so this law applies to him. Also factor in that the same corollary has a lesser effect on police officers. Phil and Kione are both police officers, so only the most desperate gambler would bet that nothing would disrupt the date.

So, of course, just as Phil reached the top of the stairs, a hole in the space-time continuum opened right in front of her. "Crap. Not again!" She quickly noted that it was not the kind of portal utilized by the Physics Police and instinctively powered up. From said portal entered the last person that Phil had expected to see: Sailor Pluto.

Phil raised an eyebrow. "Puu-chan? What are you doing here?"

She glowered. "Phil, I told you not to call me that. The name is Sailor Pluto."

Phil adopted a false hurt look. "What, so formal, Puu-chan? I thought we were friends."

She sighed. "I admit that you did save me from that "Braniac" weirdo a few years back, and it's not that I'm not grateful, but still. I'm here on business. Where is Chibi Ryoko?"

"Over there." The little girl was already typing furiously, reprogramming Ultron. "May I ask why?"

"She's an element of chaos that must be returned to the proper time!"

"You mean, she wasn't sent back on some kind of secret mission to stabilize the timeline?" The Senshi of Time shook her head. Phil rubbed her temples, feeling another headache coming on. "Ryoko, might I enquire exactly how you came to the past?"

The little girl scratched the back of her head and avoided Phil's gaze. "Well..."

Flashback (or Flash Forward, depending upon your point of view.)

The E-wing flew in, landing upon Pluto's icy surface. Chibi Ryoko teleported into the large structure that housed the Time Gate.

Sailor Pluto did a double take as the little girl teleported in. "What? What are you doing here?"

She grinned. Like everybody else, Pluto felt like running away. "You should know; you do have the Time Gate."

Pluto was rather concerned that she hadn't seen the little girl coming. "So? What do you want?"

"Well, I miss my friends, so I'm going back in time to be with them."

"What? You can't do that! You aren't supposed to do that! You'll mess up the timeline!"

"Well, if you aren't going to be reasonable about this..." Chibi Ryoko teleported behind the Senshi of Time and knocked her out with a well placed punch. Picking up Pluto's staff, Chibi Ryoko teleported back to her ship. As the fighter left orbit, a time hole opened before it, and the E- wing flew into the past.

* * *

"And that's the whole story."

Pluto seemed to accept Chibi Ryoko's version of things. Phil raised her eyebrow. "If she has your Time Staff, how did you get here?"

"My future self contacted me. But that isn't important. She needs to be returned to the future! She is doing incalculable damage."

Phil shook her head. "If it hadn't been for her, I'd be dead right now. Ultron is one tough customer."

"You should be dead."

"What?!"

"You were supposed to die fighting Ultron! Eventually, GoChibi would manage to beat him by using the Silver Imperium Crystal to convert him into flowers. Chibi Ryoko really screwed that up."

Phil's eyes bugged out of her head. "What!? But, everybody from the future said that I had a hand in raising them. How could I be dead? Explain that!"

Pluto said, "Either the Dragon Balls or the Imperium Crystal could have brought you back. But, again, she's already disrupting the future beyond my ability to predict."

Phil shrugged. "I don't care one way or the other what happens. I'm grateful to her for saving me, but this isn't my problem."

It was about then that Omi and GoChibi entered the Masaki residence. They had taken a hike, and had been gone most of the day. GoChibi's eyes lit up when she saw the Senshi of Time. "Puu-chan!" She was about to give her friend a big hug when she saw something else. "Chibi Ryoko? What are you doing here? I've missed you!"

The two girls began to converse quickly, using a combination of Force images, spoken word and hand gestures to catch up. Omi joined in quickly. Phil scratched her head. "Have you seen this before?"

Pluto nodded. "Yup. It is like a special code that only they speak. It's a result of years spent together and whatever training you will give them. You eventually get a handle on this little dialect, but you aren't as fluent as they are." Pluto coughed. "Now, I hate to break up this happy little reunion, but Chibi Ryoko really needs to go home."

All three immediately responded, "No!"

Sailor Pluto looked at Phil with a pleading look in her eyes. "Phil, you have to help me!"

The blue haired aquatranssexual quickly shook her head. "Uh uh. You ain't gettin' me involved! Any one of them could match me in strength. All together, I'd get my butt kicked. Besides, like I said, I don't care either way."

The Senshi of Time assumed a combat stance. "Do not force me to use violent means!" All three looked at each other in confusion. Pluto thought that she was getting through. Then, all three future girls burst into laughter. Omi was rolling on the ground, attempting to keep her sides from splitting.

Phil's daughter looked up Sailor Pluto. "You? Threatening us? That's a laugh! You couldn't hurt us in our sleep!"

Pluto's patience was wearing thin. "Dead Scream!" The wave of energy caught a surprised Omi and sent her through the wall.

Phil glared, her hair shifting to its yellow color. "You hurt my daughter. Now you suffer."

Pluto returned the glare. "Don't push me. I have a mission to perform, and I have ways of torturing you that you could not imagine."

Phil began to disappear and reappear at random points around Pluto. After several seconds of dodging various feigns launched by the Super Saiyan, a punch sent the Senshi of Time flying. She went through a hole in the wall still present from a previous fight and hit the ground. As she shook her head, attempting to clear the cobwebs, Pluto decided to call her bluff. She waved the staff, and Phil glowed a bright red. No other color showed through the red glare. Looking down at her hands in horror, Phil said, "What have you done?"

"Enjoy your trip."

Then, for Phil, all the world disappeared in a flash of red and pain.

* * *

Phil awoke. She couldn't judge how much time had passed, but sensed that something was off. She reached out with the Force, but found her connection oddly severed. "Is that what Pluto did? Cut me off from the Force?" She began to unconsciously wrap her curly locks around her index finger. And then halted. "Since when do I have that bad habit?" She hadn't thought about it; some part of her mind had begun fidgeting.

She then realized that she wasn't in the Masaki household anymore. She was in what appeared to be a bedroom. However, it was a bedroom suited for royalty; there were pink satin pillows, pink silk sheets, a bed with pink gossamer curtains and a majestic view of a nearby mountain through a window nearly twenty feet tall. Said window was tinted pink, leading Phil to speculate that the items in the room were merely white, and the light was affecting their color. The window, upon closer inspection, looked to be a sliding glass door, which emptied out onto a large balcony. There was a pile of stuffed animals, in shapes both from Earth and alien beasts that Phil had never imagined. She picked up one of them, an odd horse-like creature that had eight legs and horns. "Mr. Cuddles?" The name escaped Phil's lips, but she hadn't summoned them. But she ignored this.

In an odd way, the room seemed familiar. In fact, she almost felt as if it was hers. But, she had never been there before. "What did Pluto do to me? Where am I?" She paced back and forth, considering her situation. She passed a mirror, looked at the image it reflected, then continued pacing. Then, she did a double take and went back and took a closer look. Her hair was much curlier than it had been before, and just looked nice. In fact, it looked as if a beautician had labored for hours to get it into that state. What Phil then noticed was that she was dressed in a in a Orange-Red Sailor Fuku.

She shuddered. "What sick part of my subconscious summoned that?" She mentally ordered the symbiote to reshape itself. And was surprised to find that she was no longer connected with said symbiote. She grabbed one of the sleeves and ripped a shred of it off. And felt nothing. No sympathetic pain. No reprisal from an angry alien symbiote. Nothing.

Again, words escaped her lips that weren't her own. "What's going on? What's controlling my body?"

Phil's eyes bulged from their sockets. "Who said that?"

For the third time, Phil's lips moved without her permission. "Oh my God! I've been possessed by the Dark Kingdom!"

"What? Who are you?"

"You should know who I am, foul demon! I am Sailor Io, guardian of peace and love! Get out of my head!" Sailor Io grabbed the sides of her head and began to use the simple anti-possession techniques she had learned in training. Phil did much the same thing, attempting to force this very confused demon out of her mind.

The phrase "Sailor Io" triggered something in the recesses of Phil's mind. For a few moments, it was just a trickle. She remembered a ball and dancing with some minor noble from Earth. She remembered her training, with her mother teaching her how to manipulate the energy around her. What scared Phil was that her mother had never shown any potential for any energy fields, nor had Phil ever danced with a man at any ball.

Then, the memories simply flooded in. Battles she had never fought, on worlds that she had never seen, with allies she had never met. The thoughts seemed both familiar and alien at the same time. "What's happening?" In an entire lifetime's worth of memories, she always thought of herself as Io. "But that's what that crazy demon chick called herself!"

Then, everything clicked. She'd had some dreams about something called the "Silver Millennium" once or twice, but had never really taken them seriously. She shook like a leaf. "These memories are mine! I was... is... am... Sailor Io!"

Several of the servants heard a distraught "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" exit their Mistress' room. One man, named George, looked at his companion. "I guess Mistress Io broke another nail."

The other man nodded. "I wish she'd learn not to react so strongly to every little thing!"

End Part 32