Part 33
Why Phil's Life Sucks
Chapter 2
Disclaimer: If you think that all of the writers of these various TV shows and movies got together for the express purpose of writing this fic in a nonprofit format... you just might be a redneck.
Now entering first person narrative. The author has activated the seat belt signs. Also, be on the watch for turbulence and soul searching on the part of the main character.
Hello. My name is Phil. I am an officer of the Physics Police, and part-time superhero. In case you haven't guessed, my life has recently taken a major downturn. For those of you who may be wondering why, you obviously skipped chapters 1-32.
Now, thanks to Sailor Pluto, the Senshi of Time, I find myself stranded at least 10,000 years in the past, during the Silver Millennium. That's right; the time in which the last ice age covered much of Earth's surface in thick glaciers, and wooly mammoths and saber toothed cats roam the earth. (Author's note: Thinking about this made me wonder why, in all of the fanfics that have been written involving Sailor Moon that took place during this period, nobody ever thought of that.) However, since I am currently on Io, one of the moons of Jupiter, I don't have to worry about that particular bit of paleontology. I have bigger fish to fry.
In an odd twist on the Quantum Leap TV series, I am now in the past, in the body of another. Unlike that famous show, however, the mind of the other person didn't take a vacation from reality until I left. She is still in there, protesting the fact that I have unwillingly set up camp in her brain. She identifies herself as Sailor Io, the Senshi of... well, the Senshi of minor moons like Io don't have specific titles like the "Senshi of Love" or the "Senshi of Retribution," or anything like that.
Also unlike Quantum Leap, I have had full access to the memories of Io. Some of my own memories, of dreams of the Silver Millennium, also came back. Plus, there is the fact that she is identical to my cursed form in almost every way. The "almost" is that I've never claimed to really understand makeup, and, being a guy by birth, I haven't even considered dabbling in it. She, on the other hand, is so heavily made up that I could probably stick a pin into her face and never feel a thing. Also, her hair is just plain nice.
Conclusion: just like Quantum Leap, Pluto's spell had sent me within my own lifetime. Which, coincidently, was also Io's. I am Phil. I could deal with being a Saiyan, due to the perks. Being Juraian nobility? Once one gets beyond Ayeka, one finds that most of them tend to be mostly cool. But being a reincarnated Sailor Senshi? No benefits whatsoever.
So, anyways, here I am. My alien symbiote, an offspring of Venom's, is nowhere to be found. I have no idea how far back in the Millennium I am, but given that the average lifespan for the Senshi is about 10,000 years, I could spend a VERY long time here until it fell. Plus, I have no guarantee that Io's lifetime ended with the fall of the Silver Millennium. I could, therefore, spend about the next ten thousand years here, give or take a few decades.
A purple aura surrounds me. I run to the window and opened it up; some part of me doesn't want to destroy the nice room. I point my hands to the heavens. "Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" Even given Io's meager Chi powers, the blast of dark purple energy flies out of orbit. Guess I had a lot of pent up rage.
In the back of my mind, I heard Io's voice. "Are you quite done yet, foul demon?"
"The name's Phil." Yup, that's right; she thinks that I'm some kind of evil demon. Never mind that no demon worth its horns would attempt to possess the body of a minor Senshi, when Sailor Jupiter is a relatively short distance away. I guess that I gain a measure of intelligence after being reincarnated.
On the other hand, I would probably assume much the same thing in her shoes.
I take a deep, cleansing breath. "OK Phil, just calm down and remember what your Dad always told you."
I see the image of my father. He says, "Son, if you're ever stranded in the past, don't touch anything! The slightest change could alter history as we know it forever!" I have always thought that was an odd thing to say, but now it makes some sense.
I snort disdainfully. "Yeah, like I'm gonna change history." (Cue ominous music).
Author's note: Now leaving first person narrative. Please fasten your safety belts, and thank you for not smoking.
Phil considered her situation some more and decided that panicking wouldn't help her at all. So, she decided that she would make up a list of things to do. She walked over to a desk. Io attempted to resist the "demon's" control, but Phil smirked as she crushed the attempted rebellion. Io might not have been gone, but Phil's presence had rendered her all but impotent as far as control of her own body. Picking up a pen, Phil started writing.
Things To Do:
1. Kill Author for putting me here.
2. Beat up Author's corpse for constantly referring to me as "she".
Hey! I don't like where this is going.
She (grrr...) replied, "Tough. Now, where was I?"
3. Determine extent of my abilities in this body.
4. Determine how far in the past I am.
5. Find transport off of the planet.
6. Go to Pluto and access Time Gate.
7. While there, pay back Pluto for her future self's actions.
8. If unable to access Time Gate, go to the Moon to have a talk with Queen Serenity. (Note to self: whatever you do, do not ever anger Serenity. She has the Silver Imperium Crystal and, unlike Usagi, the knowledge to use it. She could simply delete you. Literally.)
"Yeah, that should cover it." Since goals one and two were unattainable, Phil skipped down to goal number three.
Phil focused her Chi in order to power up. Then, she analyzed herself. "Power level... 50!?" That put her at about ten times normal human strength. "Damn! You Senshi sure are weak!"
"Hey! We're the strongest beings in the Solar System!"
Phil sighed. "No wonder Beryl manages to beat you."
"What? She's just a minor noble!"
"She eventually throws in with an all powerful entity named Metallia, gains awesome power, and destroys your precious little Silver Imperium. Now, let's see what I can do at power level 50." She attempted flight. In a few moments, she was zipping around the room. To Io, it felt like they were out of control. To Phil, it was like she was moving in slow motion. She halted, panting. "Damn! Can't do that for very long." She began to scan her memories. "Now, let's see what kind of powers you have, Io... Io Sacred Flame?" Phil suddenly burst into flame and began to run around in circles. After a few moments, she realized that she wasn't burning. When the fire stopped, she felt suddenly refreshed. "Huh. A self healing technique, eh? Could be useful."
Meanwhile, Io was shocked. "I can fly?"
"Yup!"
"How?"
"Oh, you just think of the happiest things. Pixie Dust also helps."
"Huh?"
"Or, to be flip, the secret to flight is to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Io nodded their head slightly, still not comprehending. "How can you do my attacks?"
"I can access your memories. You can probably get a look in my head to, if you concentrate." Phil went back to her searching. Doing a few quick poses, she cried out, "Io Magma Flood!"
* *
Io was currently floating over the mass of hardened magma that had engulfed most of her room. "Nice going, Phil!"
"Oh, I'm not just a "foul demon" now?"
"I figured that out a bit ago. I can see your memories, and I'm ashamed of how careless I become!"
"What, I didn't know it would be that strong! Heck, you're way above the Senshi in my own time!"
"Well, don't bother rooting through my mind anymore! Those are the only attacks I have!"
"What? The other Senshi have at least five!"
"Well, I am what is known as a backup Senshi. Our main purpose is to guard our post, and occasionally accompany the primary Senshi on missions. Thus, I have a healing attack, to help Mistress Jupiter in the event that she is injured, and a wide dispersal attack to force an enemy to remain still until Jupiter can zap them."
"So you're a decoy? That makes sense, I suppose." Phil focused, calming herself.
Io felt goose pimples forming on her limbs, which shivered uncontrollably. "What are you doing?"
"Soul of Ice. It's a technique I learned from an old Chinese Amazon by the name of Cologne. It lets me do... this!" She flew in a circle, then another and another, eventually forming a spiral. "Hiryu Shouten Ha!" The concentrated cold formed into an energy attack that blasted into the center of the magma. Large shards of rock flew everywhere. Phil barely managed to avoid one of them. "OK, obviously Ranma ½ Techniques are not beyond me. Now to try a few DBZ maneuvers."
Io looked at the ruins of what had once been her room. Managing to take a quick glance into her "roommate's" memories, she saw what she meant by "DBZ maneuvers." And paled. "Could we do this somewhere else?"
"Nope." Their lips turned upwards as Phil grinned. A blue aura surrounded them.
* *
Later:
Phil stood in the ruins of what had once been an opulent room. The tears that ran down her cheeks were Io's. In her right arm was cradled the remains of an eight-legged horse. "Mr. Cuddles! Why!?"
After nearly an hour's work, Phil had finally managed to go through her long list of techniques. "OK. Since I have a complete lack of Saiyan DNA, I cannot transform that way. Mystical Powerup and Kaio-ken are go. Kamehameha, Special Beam Cannon and Galick Gun are all performable. I lack the power to use the Big Bang Attack or the Spirit Bomb, and I'm too weak to split my energy up for the Multiform Technique. All in all, things are better than I thought they'd be." Phil switched off the Mystical Powerup and almost collapsed. She grimaced. "Note to self; all battles must be completed quickly and efficiently, or else I'll run dry in minutes. Man, do I wish I had some senzu beans." Then she remembered. "Io Sacred Flame!" After a few moments, she was back in peak condition, but noted that the technique depleted her manna reserves. "Got to remember that."
"Do you really think that you'll need all of this power?"
"If I'm stuck here, I might as well be a major player." She pulled out the list. "Determine extent of my abilities in this body. Check. Now I just have to figure out how far in the past I am. But how?" On a whim, she looked at a calendar that had somehow escaped the holocaust. "What the... 8,000 B.C.? Are you guys really on the B.C. system? Counting down to some event in the future!?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Unbelievable! Even the Romans didn't do this! Whose idea was this?"
"As the Senshi of Time, Pluto was placed in charge of inventing our calendar system. She said that she was using some time system used in the far future to make sure that things made sense after some event or another."
"My, that is convenient. I guess the author's finally throwing me a bone. So, I am ten thousand years in the past. At the end of the Silver Millennium." Io didn't like how Phil kept referring to the fall of the Silver Imperium. She checked off step four. "Now to get transport off this planet."
Io decided to help. After all, the sooner she got rid of this future version of herself, the better. "Leave that to me."
A few minutes later...
Phil eyed the craft incredulously. "What a piece of junk!" It was a craft that bore a striking resemblance to the Millennium Falcon, with a few minor differences. For one, the forward mandibles had been replaced with the cockpit. Otherwise, the craft was virtually identical.
Io attempted to glare at herself by crossing her eyes. After several moments of this futile activity, she decided to respond to Phil's assessment of her ship. "What, you kidding me? This is top of the line! A YT-350 Correlian Freighter! It has a quad laser turret, that I can operate it from the cockpit, or with a gunner. I also have a concussion missile launcher built into the lower turret, and she plenty of shielding. She's faster than the any of the Imperium's ships. And I'm not talking about the little picket boats; I'm talking the big ones made on Mercury. She can make about 1.5 past light speed. In other words, we can outrun what we can't outgun."
"Where did you get a Correlian Freighter?"
"Oh, we do some trading with the Galactic Republic."
"The Old Republic? Were they even around in the Silver Millennium?" Then Phil said, "Oh yeah. The Jedi guarded the Old Republic for a thousand generations, which works out to be about 25,000 years. They were there before the Silver Imperium, and thrived long after. Plus, when they fell, the Republic was reinstated in less than 50 years, as opposed to your ten thousand! Proof that Star Wars is better then Sailor Moon any day of the week! Oh yeah!"
Io decided not the press the issue as they entered the craft. "Welcome aboard the Blue Heron!"
"We'll need to work on that name."
* * *
A few thousand years later:
See Ecks. See Ecks run. Run, Ecks run. See Ralph. See Ralph run. See Ralph run very fast from the pack of Velociraptors. Or, rather, Utahraptors.* Either way, dinosaurs with very nasty claws on their hands and feet, each weighing at least five times as much as either Physics Police Officer, were chasing them.
Ecks was panting. She was also discovering just how hard it is to run in high heels. "Ralph! I thought these things were supposed to be extinct!"
"They don't know that! There are dinosaurs in DBZ, and this is a DBZ universe!" Suddenly, a Triceratops moved into their path. They veered around it. The three horned dinosaur was immediately set upon by the Raptors. Given the bewilderment of the herbivore, it fell very quickly.
"Huh?"
Ralph snorted. "What, did you really think that dinosaurs love the taste of human flesh so much that they'd rather spend hours on end hunting morsels like us
when there's big game around?"
"I see your point. Do you have it?" Ralph pulled the Dragon Ball out of his pocket. "Good. Now, according to the Dragon Radar, the next one is about twenty miles north of here."
"Right." Manipulating a bit of manna, Ralph floated into the air. Ecks followed suit, then stopped.
"Wait a second! We can fly! Why were we running from those Raptors?"
Ralph shrugged. "It just slipped my mind, I guess." Ecks facefaulted. Looking down at the gorging Utahraptors, Ralph had an idea. He pulled a pokeball from his belt and grinned.
* *
Back in the past:
"You take one down, pass it around, ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the wall."
Io punched herself. It hurt, but it shut Phil up. "Stop singing that infernal song!"
Phil paused. Her response was as follows; "Ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the *ouch!*" Phil rubbed her cheek. "It's not my fault I'm so bored! This thing moves like a Hutt!"
"Shut up!"
Phil sighed. "I just wish that there was something to do." Phil regretted it as a light on the instrument panel began beeping. She sighed. "I just had to give Bobcat an opening."
Io pressed the button. "Hello?"
On the screen flashed the image of Sailor Jupiter. Phil noted that she looked somewhat older. Also, the Senshi of Jupiter didn't look very happy. "Sailor Io, why have you abandoned your post?"
Io couldn't think up an excuse. Phil interjected. "Uh, Mistress Jupiter, we, that is, I felt like taking a quick ride. There weren't any major duties to attend to, and decided to take a break." Jupiter muttered something about the younger generation, which Phil though was pretty funny considering the she only looked to be a few years older that Io.
Jupiter snapped, "That was very irresponsible of you, Io! I thought you better than that!"
"Um, with all due respect, I doubt that you just called to keep tabs on me."
She nodded. "True enough. We have word that Planet X is under attack."
Phil blinked. "Planet X?"
Io took over. "We're, I mean, I'm on my way, Mistress Jupiter!" Before Sailor Jupiter could respond, the Backup Senshi broke their communications link and locked in the new course. The stars blurred, then all of space turned into a blue tunnel as they jumped into hyperspace.
Jupiter cursed. The relatively primitive communicators at her disposal couldn't penetrate hyperspace. Mostly because the Silver Imperium hadn't yet found a way to enter it except through the ships produced by the Galactic Republic. She slammed her fist into a consol. "That airhead! If Sailor Planet X couldn't handle it, what chance does she think that she has!?" She had been planning to order Io to a rendezvous point so that the two of them could face the threat together. She leapt up and ran to her own transport. "With any luck, she can soften up those Saiyans for me." She decided that she could contact Sailor Europa en route.
Phil had this impending sense of doom. Also, she didn't like being taken off of her path to the Time Gate and vengeance upon Sailor Pluto. Phil attempted to punch the emergency cutoff switch that would bring them back to realspace. However, Io focused all of her will into holding her arm still. Phil continued struggling. "You flake! Stop! I shall not be deterred from my righteous retribution!"
Io had to think quickly. For one thing, Phil might remember that she had another arm to use. "Phil, it's our..."
"You mean YOUR!"
"... responsibility to help the people of Planet X!"
Phil stopped. "Well, for one thing, there is no Planet X! I know for a fact that there are only nine planets and thirty-odd moons in our Solar System!"
"Wrong! Computer, bring up data for Planet X!" The voice recognition technology responded, bringing up a hologram of a blue and white planet. Phil noted that it orbited along the same vector as the asteroid field currently does.
In an annoying monotone, the computer read the data for Planet X. "Planet X. The fifth planet in the Solar System. It was named because the main continent bears a striking resemblance to the letter X. Atmosphere is of a similar composition as the Moon's. Planet has five satellites, each the size of a large meteor. None have any atmosphere, although several mining companies have expressed interest in them in recent years. Normal weather patterns: Yearlong wind storms cover approximately twenty percent of the planet's surface, the most famous of which is the Great Blue Spot. Over eighty percent of the remaining surface is covered by ocean. What remains is habitable by oxygen breathing organic life forms. Gravity: roughly twelve times that of the Moon, or 1.2 times that of Earth. Population as of 7090 B.C. is fifty million. For information on defenders, please use authorization code."
Io shook her head. "Negative, computer. That won't be..."
Phil interjected, seizing control of their vocal cords. "Code is 'Io Rules, Europa Drools'."
"Code accepted."
Io blinked. "How did you know that?"
Phil grinned, even though Io couldn't see it. "I used to be you, remember?" She sorted through some memories and chuckled. "My, you really didn't like Sailor Europa, did you? Computer, give data on defenders."
A message flashed on the hologram asking them to wait for a moment. "Defenders: Approximately one regiment of infantry is stationed on planet. Infantry is rated as being of regular experience. Also, roughly fifty short range fighters are stationed on Planet X. No other conventional forces are present. Bringing up psychological profile of Sailor Planet X, the Senshi of Courage."
After a few moments, a picture of a girl about the same age as Jupiter's past incarnation appeared on the screen. Phil blinked. And he blinked again. "Shave off a few years, remove that scar on her right cheek... hmmm... oh my; Ecks was right."
"Sailor Planet X. Official Title: the Senshi of Courage. Title was bestowed after single handedly driving away an invading force from the Skrull. Distinguishing characteristics: Sailor Planet X is approximately 1.7 meters tall and wears the standard Sailor Senshi Fuku colored black. She has straight black hair that goes down to the middle of her back. A small scar on her right cheek and a slightly larger nose eliminates any resemblance to Sailor Mars. Powers: unlike all of the other Senshi, her attacks draw primarily upon the energy field known as "Chi." Her magic potential is limited, but she is the most physically powerful of the Senshi. Has served in several campaigns, and has received many commendations for her efforts. No further data."
Phil raised their eyebrow. "Uh, Io, why do you have data on all of the Senshi on your ship?"
"Why wouldn't I? It's always a good idea to be informed."
Phil silently noted that perhaps her past self wasn't so flaky after all.
* *
Planet X
Sailor Planet X collapsed as the attacker's fist smashed her right cheek. The red scar flared as the scar tissue began to bleed. She brought herself up onto her hands and knees and coughed. Summoning her dwindling Chi reserves, Ecks staggered to her feet. She glared at the man before her.
The Saiyan mercenary, named Tag, cracked his knuckles and grinned. Unlike most of his race, his black hair was neither long, nor did it ignore gravity. He had a large nose and a strong chin. His light blue eyes carried a look of pure contempt. His brown, furry tail wriggled behind him. In a mocking tone, he said, "Oh, what's the matter? Is the poor widdle Sailow Senshi gonna cwy? 'Cause that'd just be oh so sad! Boo hoo."
His companion was named Bink. He had an olive complexion, and his black hair was shaved in a buzz cut. His brown eyes communicated extreme boredom. He had a weak chin and a small nose. His own tail behaved like that of an angry cat. "Tag, are you quite done playing with her? Lady Kalt will not be pleased if we are tardy."
"Let that damned lizard lady wait. I'm having fun."
Bink glowered at his partner. "Tag, it's easy for you to forget the day that those aliens attacked and enslaved our race, but I was there. It was horrible; they destroyed half of our cities AFTER we had surrendered! I, for one, do not appreciate the idea of provoking another such punishment!"
Tag sighed. "Fine. I'll just be two more minutes."
Ecks pointed her hands at the gloating Saiyan. "Planet X Cannon!" A green blast of light struck Tag in the torso. And had no visible effect. "How the hell did he do that?" She sank to her knees, completely exhausted. Then, she fell face first into the soil of her world. "I've failed my world!"
Tag lifted her up by her hair and he was rewarded by a cry of pain from Ecks. "Is that the best you Senshi can do? Oh, and don't worry. Your planet will be just fine. It's the population that's going bye bye."
"Wh-what?"
"Lady Kalt is in the business of depopulating planets, and then selling them on the open market. We work for her, and as such, that is our business as well."
"No!"
"Yup. Everything you know is gonna get blown away, and there isn't a thing you can do about it."
Bink ignored Tag's banter. "Hey Tag, you feel that?"
Tag caught Ecks with a kick to the jaw that was accompanied by a loud crunch. "Feel what?"
"Just a bit of foreboding. I feel a significant power heading this way."
Tag stopped his beating for a moment. "Hey, you're right. I'd say around power level fifty. Way below this creampuff." He returned to his savage assault. He grabbed her arm, manipulated it so that it stood out strait, then brought his hand in for a vicious chop. Ecks cried out again as her arm was broken.
Bink pointed. "See that? It's one of them new TY-350 Correlian model Freighters." Tag leveled his arm to blast is out of the sky, but Bink smacked him on the back of the head. "Stop that, you idiot! That thing's way above those pods we're piloting. Just imagine; traveling from system to system in weeks, instead of months! A ship with actual weapon systems, and enough shielding to take a few hits! And, most glorious of all, enough leg room that we wouldn't need to go into suspended animation just to keep from getting cabin fever! I say we take it!"
Tag nodded. "I hadn't thought of that." He kicked Ecks in the face, shattering her nose.
Bink growled. "If you aren't willing to finish her off, then I will!" A blast of yellow energy engulfed Ecks, and she disappeared as she was reduced to her component atoms.
Tag was enraged. "Hey, she was my kill! That's not fair!"
"You know the saying; fairness is what the weak demand. Now back off! It's my turn. Even if we are forty times stronger than she is, it might be fun."
Tag scratched his head. "How da ya know it's a she?"
Bink smirked. "These Silver Imperium types are all alike; completely biased in favor of females. Believe me, as far as those stupid bitches are concerned, males are only worthy of being cannon fodder and breeding stock."
"Like that regiment we vaporized?"
"Bingo."
The Blue Heron landed almost on top of the pair. Phil and Io had been watching the last part of the battle through as they came in for a landing. Io was distraught. "Those jerks! How could they do that?"
"You have to make certain allowances for Saiyans. Now, leave this to me." Remembering their "training session," Io nodded.
Phil walked across the gangplank and almost fell over. "Damned high heels." She immediately kicked them off.
Bink smirked. "Well, girly, you're rich. You can't even walk in your own damned uniform!"
Phil smirked back. "We'll see who's laughing in a minute, asshole."
Bink pretended to be taken aback. "Gasp! This one's got quite a mouth on her!"
"Say Bink, you think we should have a little "fun" with this one before we vape her?"
Bink eyed the curvy blue haired girl. He liked what he saw. "Why Tag. That's the best idea I've had all day."
Now Phil was officially pissed. "Bastards!" The air around her shimmered as she utilized the Mystical Powerup.
Bink looked back at his partner. "Hey Tag, wanna give me a power level reading on this one?"
"Sure thing." Tag took an item from his pocket that looked a lot like a tricorder. Phil guessed that the monocle style Scouters hadn't been invented yet. Tag pressed the button. As the numbers climbed, Tag's expression went from egotistical to petrified. "Bink! P-power level four thousand, five hundred and twenty nine!"
"What?"
Phil grinned. "To borrow a phrase, it's clobberin' time!" Phil faded out of sight, then reappeared with her fist in Bink's gut. To her surprise, he was still standing. "Oh, right. I'm not all powerful anymore."
Bink exhaled. "OK, now I'm gonna kick your scrawny butt!"
Phil responded by kneeing him in the groin. She almost wished that she still had her high heels. He collapsed. She grinned at Tag. "Wanna try me, ugly?"
"Why you little!" His aura flared to life. In seconds, the two were locked in combat, disappearing and reappearing at random points. Tag took a right hook that sent him flying into a rocky outcropping. He quickly recovered. "You're gonna have to do better than that!"
Phil estimated that Tag was the stronger of the pair. Individually, she would have little problem against them. Together, however, they were a force to be reckoned with. Also, she didn't know how long she could maintain her current power level. She flew in towards Tag on an intercept course. "I've got to finish this fast. Chestnut Fist!" Her fists became blurs that repeatedly hammered the Saiyan. His battle armor had several large cracks in it. A purple aura flared to life around her. "Shi Shi Houkou ouch!" Bink, having recovered from her earlier attack, kicked her in the back of the head. Her purple aura collapsed.
She fell to her knees. Bink grabbed her by the arm. She struggled, attempting to free herself. She was quite surprised when she couldn't do so. She thought this over. "What? I'm twice as strong as he is! This form must shoot my upper body strength to hell!"
Bink laughed. "We're gonna have fun with this one. Plenty of spunk!"
Then, she had an idea. She gathered her energy into her free hand. "Special Beam Cannon!" The twin bolts of energy blasted into Bink's arm, almost burning through the skin. As it was, he now sported a nasty third degree burn in that spot.
That was when Tag reentered the fray. Although she had greater speed, the two had worked together for years, and could anticipate each other's moves. Her kick caught Tag in the arm, but Bink was already behind her. She barely managed to avoid his Chi bolt and launch her counterstrike. The one-two combo hammered Bink's stomach, but his armor held.
Bink's punch was perfectly timed with Tag's, and they boxed her ears. She cried out in pain as the assault knocked out her inner ear. She collapsed to the ground once again. She was quickly on her feet again, but didn't stay there for long, as Tag punched her in the gut. Attempting to ignore the pain, Phil managed to block the next couple of punches. However, while she was attempting to deal with Tag, Bink got her in a full Nelson. "Give it up, girly!"
Io had an idea. "Io Sacred Flame!" She burst into fire, worsening the damage Phil had done to his arm. Crying out, he lost his grip. Phil took the reins again, elbowing him in the gut, then putting the heel of her hand into his chin.
However, while Bink was getting his head handed to him, Tag had been powering up an attack. "Take this!" A bolt of green energy flew out at her. Unable to dodge in time, Phil moved her arms to cover her face. The Chi washed over her, and when she was visible again, she was smoldering. Phil was in serious pain.
Phil muttered, "So much for that makeup."
Bink had ripped off part of his shirt to bandage his wound. Now, he was back on the defensive, and Tag joined in. As blows rained down on the Physics Police Officer, she knew that she as in trouble.
"Io, we can't win this way."
"Yeah, but what are we going to do?"
Bink blinked. "She's talking to herself! This chick's nuts!"
Phil grit their teeth. "This. Kaio-ken times two!" A red aura flared to life around them. Her fist smashed into Tag's face, and she felt the nose give away. Bink could barely see the attack that came next; Phil flipped him over her shoulder, and he crashed into Tag. The Saiyans lay there for a moment, attempting to recover.
Phil didn't give them the chance. "Ka... me... ha... me... HA!" The massive wave of blue energy flew out at the pair. Tag and Bink were sure that the end had finally come.
And then, with some adrenaline induced power, Tag somehow blocked it.
Thus, the blast ricocheted . The massive blast burrowed into Planet X. After a few moments, there was a great rumbling. Off in the distance, Phil saw gasses seeping out of a massive hole in the planet's crust.
Io screamed, "Phil, what have you done?"
Phil's Mystical Powerup collapsed. "I guess I put just a little too much energy into that last blast. Oops." Phil stumbled. "Io, quick, get us to the ship! I don't have enough energy left to move us!" The Backup Senshi didn't disagree, and in a few minutes, the Blue Heron and a couple of Saiyan model space pods flew away from the planet. Of course, they took different routes.
A few seconds later, the planet exploded. The reaction would eventually form the asteroid belt.
* *
In the cockpit of the Blue Heron, Phil was nervous. Jupiter had a glare that would have peeled titanium off of a space shuttle. And she wasn't even her boss.
"What do you mean, Planet X is gone?"
Phil was doing the talking. "Well, uh, Mistress Jupiter, you see, some Saiyan on that planet put a bit too much energy into a blast and, well, boom!" Phil wasn't exactly lying; she was, in part, a Saiyan, in mind if not in body.
Jupiter nodded. "And what of Sailor Planet X?"
"She fought with honor to the last." Phil was actually kind of sad about that. Then again, she figured that Ecks would have to have died anyways at the end of the Imperium, and besides, it wasn't her fault.
The deaths of the fifty million people weighed heavily on her conscience. "I'm as bad as Freeza, or Grand Moff Tarkin, or Emperor Palpatine. I'm a monster." She let Io relate the tale to her superior, and brooded in the back of their collective mind.
Then, she realized a few things. For one, Tag and Bink would have killed them all anyways; all she did was to ensure that some mercenary scum- lord didn't profit from it. "Besides," she considered, "the Saiyans just might leave the Solar System alone for a while. Say, about ten thousand years?" Also, even if she had saved them, they would have died along with the rest of the Moon Kingdom due to Queen Beryl's attack. So, all she had done was to speed up the process. She still felt horrible, and swore that she would find some way to make up for it. Somehow.
Jupiter sighed. "We shall return to the Moon for debriefing."
"But..."
"No buts, Io!"
Phil was torn. On the one hand, she felt like telling her where she could put her orders. On the other, Phil realized that she had to maintain the charade of being Sailor Io, or else risk being "exorcized" out of existence by the Silver Imperium Crystal. She nodded. "OK." This time, it was Jupiter that broke the link. Phil said, "Io, you take the controls for a bit. I think that I've earned a nap."
Io was left alone with her thoughts. What scared her was that, with Phil's complete memories of the rest of her life, she couldn't find any remembrances of this. "History is shifting dramatically."
Meanwhile, on Pluto, the Senshi of the same name used the last of her headache medication going over the same dilemma.
* *
"Bink." No response. "Bink." Again, nothing. "Bink!"
"What do you want?"
"What're we gonna tell Lady Kalt?"
"We don't have to tell HER anything. It's Baron Kura that we have to worry about. I doubt that he'll be happy with us, seeing as how we've failed. We were supposed to get that Planet, and what happened? That crazy chick blew it up!"
Tag began thinking. "OK, we need a story. OK, here's what we tell him; some kind of Super Senshi beat us up, and we barely managed to leave with our lives."
Bink responded with sarcasm. "Oh, yeah. Sure. The Baron is just going to be THRILLED to find out that two of his warriors got beaten up by a Sailor Senshi."
"But we were!"
"Look, Tag, if we're going to lie, we might as well make it good."
"OK... so, how about a Super Saiyan?"
"A what?"
Tag was on a roll. "Yeah, a Super Saiyan! Yeah, she... no, make that he. HE had power greater than that of Lady Kalt."
"Oh really. A rogue Saiyan?"
"Yeah, yeah, and, um... oh! If we say that he was noble, and that there was a genetic chance of all nobility accessing this power, the Baron'd be a lot happier!"
Bink was getting into it. "Yeah, so this Super Saiyan guy, he comes along. Oh, we'll say that he could only maintain his power in his Oozaru state, and he lost control of his power and blew up the planet."
Tag grinned. "And then we, being the good, responsible guys that we are, decided that, as good as a heroic death sounded, that we had to tell our Baron of this horrible news!"
"Let's make it a legendary thing. Like, say, the legendary Super Saiyan will rise every... nine hundred years?"
"Make it a thousand. It's a rounder number."
"So, this Super Saiyan had great power. He was in Oozaru form, and accidentally destroyed the planet. And, every thousand years, another noble will gain this strength!"
Tag nodded. "Sounds good to me. Let's rehearse it some more."
And thus, Phil was the inspiration for the legend of the Super Saiyan. Due to the power of suggestion, the Saiyan's DNA shifted so that this power was accessible to their offspring, although it took nearly ten thousand years before any Saiyan managed to achieve that level of power. Baron Kura spared their lives, and they went on to fight in many more battles.
End Part 33
Author's note: Anybody who can figure out where I came up with the names "Tag" and "Bink" will receive a lovely "No Prize." Inspired by Marvel Comics' famous item, I will email you and tell you that you have received... nothing! The answer will be revealed in five chapters.
NEW NOTE: The No-Prize offered for Tag and Binks origin ended on March 22, 2002. Sorry if you came too late to enter (not that anyone besided Elvin Flame cared, but I digress.)
* For those who wonder what the heck a Utahraptor is: for Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg decided that the real Velociraptors were too tiny to be intimidating. Each Raptor in the movie was at least three times larger than their real life equivalent. The script writers and consultants were very nervous for a long time about this scientific inaccuracy, until Utahraptor, a predator exactly the same size as the movie Raptors, was discovered in, you guessed it: Podunk Idaho. But seriously, all of the Raptors in the Jurassic Park movies were really Utahraptors. Thank you for your time.
* Kalt: German for Cold.
Why Phil's Life Sucks
Chapter 2
Disclaimer: If you think that all of the writers of these various TV shows and movies got together for the express purpose of writing this fic in a nonprofit format... you just might be a redneck.
Now entering first person narrative. The author has activated the seat belt signs. Also, be on the watch for turbulence and soul searching on the part of the main character.
Hello. My name is Phil. I am an officer of the Physics Police, and part-time superhero. In case you haven't guessed, my life has recently taken a major downturn. For those of you who may be wondering why, you obviously skipped chapters 1-32.
Now, thanks to Sailor Pluto, the Senshi of Time, I find myself stranded at least 10,000 years in the past, during the Silver Millennium. That's right; the time in which the last ice age covered much of Earth's surface in thick glaciers, and wooly mammoths and saber toothed cats roam the earth. (Author's note: Thinking about this made me wonder why, in all of the fanfics that have been written involving Sailor Moon that took place during this period, nobody ever thought of that.) However, since I am currently on Io, one of the moons of Jupiter, I don't have to worry about that particular bit of paleontology. I have bigger fish to fry.
In an odd twist on the Quantum Leap TV series, I am now in the past, in the body of another. Unlike that famous show, however, the mind of the other person didn't take a vacation from reality until I left. She is still in there, protesting the fact that I have unwillingly set up camp in her brain. She identifies herself as Sailor Io, the Senshi of... well, the Senshi of minor moons like Io don't have specific titles like the "Senshi of Love" or the "Senshi of Retribution," or anything like that.
Also unlike Quantum Leap, I have had full access to the memories of Io. Some of my own memories, of dreams of the Silver Millennium, also came back. Plus, there is the fact that she is identical to my cursed form in almost every way. The "almost" is that I've never claimed to really understand makeup, and, being a guy by birth, I haven't even considered dabbling in it. She, on the other hand, is so heavily made up that I could probably stick a pin into her face and never feel a thing. Also, her hair is just plain nice.
Conclusion: just like Quantum Leap, Pluto's spell had sent me within my own lifetime. Which, coincidently, was also Io's. I am Phil. I could deal with being a Saiyan, due to the perks. Being Juraian nobility? Once one gets beyond Ayeka, one finds that most of them tend to be mostly cool. But being a reincarnated Sailor Senshi? No benefits whatsoever.
So, anyways, here I am. My alien symbiote, an offspring of Venom's, is nowhere to be found. I have no idea how far back in the Millennium I am, but given that the average lifespan for the Senshi is about 10,000 years, I could spend a VERY long time here until it fell. Plus, I have no guarantee that Io's lifetime ended with the fall of the Silver Millennium. I could, therefore, spend about the next ten thousand years here, give or take a few decades.
A purple aura surrounds me. I run to the window and opened it up; some part of me doesn't want to destroy the nice room. I point my hands to the heavens. "Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" Even given Io's meager Chi powers, the blast of dark purple energy flies out of orbit. Guess I had a lot of pent up rage.
In the back of my mind, I heard Io's voice. "Are you quite done yet, foul demon?"
"The name's Phil." Yup, that's right; she thinks that I'm some kind of evil demon. Never mind that no demon worth its horns would attempt to possess the body of a minor Senshi, when Sailor Jupiter is a relatively short distance away. I guess that I gain a measure of intelligence after being reincarnated.
On the other hand, I would probably assume much the same thing in her shoes.
I take a deep, cleansing breath. "OK Phil, just calm down and remember what your Dad always told you."
I see the image of my father. He says, "Son, if you're ever stranded in the past, don't touch anything! The slightest change could alter history as we know it forever!" I have always thought that was an odd thing to say, but now it makes some sense.
I snort disdainfully. "Yeah, like I'm gonna change history." (Cue ominous music).
Author's note: Now leaving first person narrative. Please fasten your safety belts, and thank you for not smoking.
Phil considered her situation some more and decided that panicking wouldn't help her at all. So, she decided that she would make up a list of things to do. She walked over to a desk. Io attempted to resist the "demon's" control, but Phil smirked as she crushed the attempted rebellion. Io might not have been gone, but Phil's presence had rendered her all but impotent as far as control of her own body. Picking up a pen, Phil started writing.
Things To Do:
1. Kill Author for putting me here.
2. Beat up Author's corpse for constantly referring to me as "she".
Hey! I don't like where this is going.
She (grrr...) replied, "Tough. Now, where was I?"
3. Determine extent of my abilities in this body.
4. Determine how far in the past I am.
5. Find transport off of the planet.
6. Go to Pluto and access Time Gate.
7. While there, pay back Pluto for her future self's actions.
8. If unable to access Time Gate, go to the Moon to have a talk with Queen Serenity. (Note to self: whatever you do, do not ever anger Serenity. She has the Silver Imperium Crystal and, unlike Usagi, the knowledge to use it. She could simply delete you. Literally.)
"Yeah, that should cover it." Since goals one and two were unattainable, Phil skipped down to goal number three.
Phil focused her Chi in order to power up. Then, she analyzed herself. "Power level... 50!?" That put her at about ten times normal human strength. "Damn! You Senshi sure are weak!"
"Hey! We're the strongest beings in the Solar System!"
Phil sighed. "No wonder Beryl manages to beat you."
"What? She's just a minor noble!"
"She eventually throws in with an all powerful entity named Metallia, gains awesome power, and destroys your precious little Silver Imperium. Now, let's see what I can do at power level 50." She attempted flight. In a few moments, she was zipping around the room. To Io, it felt like they were out of control. To Phil, it was like she was moving in slow motion. She halted, panting. "Damn! Can't do that for very long." She began to scan her memories. "Now, let's see what kind of powers you have, Io... Io Sacred Flame?" Phil suddenly burst into flame and began to run around in circles. After a few moments, she realized that she wasn't burning. When the fire stopped, she felt suddenly refreshed. "Huh. A self healing technique, eh? Could be useful."
Meanwhile, Io was shocked. "I can fly?"
"Yup!"
"How?"
"Oh, you just think of the happiest things. Pixie Dust also helps."
"Huh?"
"Or, to be flip, the secret to flight is to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Io nodded their head slightly, still not comprehending. "How can you do my attacks?"
"I can access your memories. You can probably get a look in my head to, if you concentrate." Phil went back to her searching. Doing a few quick poses, she cried out, "Io Magma Flood!"
* *
Io was currently floating over the mass of hardened magma that had engulfed most of her room. "Nice going, Phil!"
"Oh, I'm not just a "foul demon" now?"
"I figured that out a bit ago. I can see your memories, and I'm ashamed of how careless I become!"
"What, I didn't know it would be that strong! Heck, you're way above the Senshi in my own time!"
"Well, don't bother rooting through my mind anymore! Those are the only attacks I have!"
"What? The other Senshi have at least five!"
"Well, I am what is known as a backup Senshi. Our main purpose is to guard our post, and occasionally accompany the primary Senshi on missions. Thus, I have a healing attack, to help Mistress Jupiter in the event that she is injured, and a wide dispersal attack to force an enemy to remain still until Jupiter can zap them."
"So you're a decoy? That makes sense, I suppose." Phil focused, calming herself.
Io felt goose pimples forming on her limbs, which shivered uncontrollably. "What are you doing?"
"Soul of Ice. It's a technique I learned from an old Chinese Amazon by the name of Cologne. It lets me do... this!" She flew in a circle, then another and another, eventually forming a spiral. "Hiryu Shouten Ha!" The concentrated cold formed into an energy attack that blasted into the center of the magma. Large shards of rock flew everywhere. Phil barely managed to avoid one of them. "OK, obviously Ranma ½ Techniques are not beyond me. Now to try a few DBZ maneuvers."
Io looked at the ruins of what had once been her room. Managing to take a quick glance into her "roommate's" memories, she saw what she meant by "DBZ maneuvers." And paled. "Could we do this somewhere else?"
"Nope." Their lips turned upwards as Phil grinned. A blue aura surrounded them.
* *
Later:
Phil stood in the ruins of what had once been an opulent room. The tears that ran down her cheeks were Io's. In her right arm was cradled the remains of an eight-legged horse. "Mr. Cuddles! Why!?"
After nearly an hour's work, Phil had finally managed to go through her long list of techniques. "OK. Since I have a complete lack of Saiyan DNA, I cannot transform that way. Mystical Powerup and Kaio-ken are go. Kamehameha, Special Beam Cannon and Galick Gun are all performable. I lack the power to use the Big Bang Attack or the Spirit Bomb, and I'm too weak to split my energy up for the Multiform Technique. All in all, things are better than I thought they'd be." Phil switched off the Mystical Powerup and almost collapsed. She grimaced. "Note to self; all battles must be completed quickly and efficiently, or else I'll run dry in minutes. Man, do I wish I had some senzu beans." Then she remembered. "Io Sacred Flame!" After a few moments, she was back in peak condition, but noted that the technique depleted her manna reserves. "Got to remember that."
"Do you really think that you'll need all of this power?"
"If I'm stuck here, I might as well be a major player." She pulled out the list. "Determine extent of my abilities in this body. Check. Now I just have to figure out how far in the past I am. But how?" On a whim, she looked at a calendar that had somehow escaped the holocaust. "What the... 8,000 B.C.? Are you guys really on the B.C. system? Counting down to some event in the future!?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Unbelievable! Even the Romans didn't do this! Whose idea was this?"
"As the Senshi of Time, Pluto was placed in charge of inventing our calendar system. She said that she was using some time system used in the far future to make sure that things made sense after some event or another."
"My, that is convenient. I guess the author's finally throwing me a bone. So, I am ten thousand years in the past. At the end of the Silver Millennium." Io didn't like how Phil kept referring to the fall of the Silver Imperium. She checked off step four. "Now to get transport off this planet."
Io decided to help. After all, the sooner she got rid of this future version of herself, the better. "Leave that to me."
A few minutes later...
Phil eyed the craft incredulously. "What a piece of junk!" It was a craft that bore a striking resemblance to the Millennium Falcon, with a few minor differences. For one, the forward mandibles had been replaced with the cockpit. Otherwise, the craft was virtually identical.
Io attempted to glare at herself by crossing her eyes. After several moments of this futile activity, she decided to respond to Phil's assessment of her ship. "What, you kidding me? This is top of the line! A YT-350 Correlian Freighter! It has a quad laser turret, that I can operate it from the cockpit, or with a gunner. I also have a concussion missile launcher built into the lower turret, and she plenty of shielding. She's faster than the any of the Imperium's ships. And I'm not talking about the little picket boats; I'm talking the big ones made on Mercury. She can make about 1.5 past light speed. In other words, we can outrun what we can't outgun."
"Where did you get a Correlian Freighter?"
"Oh, we do some trading with the Galactic Republic."
"The Old Republic? Were they even around in the Silver Millennium?" Then Phil said, "Oh yeah. The Jedi guarded the Old Republic for a thousand generations, which works out to be about 25,000 years. They were there before the Silver Imperium, and thrived long after. Plus, when they fell, the Republic was reinstated in less than 50 years, as opposed to your ten thousand! Proof that Star Wars is better then Sailor Moon any day of the week! Oh yeah!"
Io decided not the press the issue as they entered the craft. "Welcome aboard the Blue Heron!"
"We'll need to work on that name."
* * *
A few thousand years later:
See Ecks. See Ecks run. Run, Ecks run. See Ralph. See Ralph run. See Ralph run very fast from the pack of Velociraptors. Or, rather, Utahraptors.* Either way, dinosaurs with very nasty claws on their hands and feet, each weighing at least five times as much as either Physics Police Officer, were chasing them.
Ecks was panting. She was also discovering just how hard it is to run in high heels. "Ralph! I thought these things were supposed to be extinct!"
"They don't know that! There are dinosaurs in DBZ, and this is a DBZ universe!" Suddenly, a Triceratops moved into their path. They veered around it. The three horned dinosaur was immediately set upon by the Raptors. Given the bewilderment of the herbivore, it fell very quickly.
"Huh?"
Ralph snorted. "What, did you really think that dinosaurs love the taste of human flesh so much that they'd rather spend hours on end hunting morsels like us
when there's big game around?"
"I see your point. Do you have it?" Ralph pulled the Dragon Ball out of his pocket. "Good. Now, according to the Dragon Radar, the next one is about twenty miles north of here."
"Right." Manipulating a bit of manna, Ralph floated into the air. Ecks followed suit, then stopped.
"Wait a second! We can fly! Why were we running from those Raptors?"
Ralph shrugged. "It just slipped my mind, I guess." Ecks facefaulted. Looking down at the gorging Utahraptors, Ralph had an idea. He pulled a pokeball from his belt and grinned.
* *
Back in the past:
"You take one down, pass it around, ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the wall."
Io punched herself. It hurt, but it shut Phil up. "Stop singing that infernal song!"
Phil paused. Her response was as follows; "Ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the *ouch!*" Phil rubbed her cheek. "It's not my fault I'm so bored! This thing moves like a Hutt!"
"Shut up!"
Phil sighed. "I just wish that there was something to do." Phil regretted it as a light on the instrument panel began beeping. She sighed. "I just had to give Bobcat an opening."
Io pressed the button. "Hello?"
On the screen flashed the image of Sailor Jupiter. Phil noted that she looked somewhat older. Also, the Senshi of Jupiter didn't look very happy. "Sailor Io, why have you abandoned your post?"
Io couldn't think up an excuse. Phil interjected. "Uh, Mistress Jupiter, we, that is, I felt like taking a quick ride. There weren't any major duties to attend to, and decided to take a break." Jupiter muttered something about the younger generation, which Phil though was pretty funny considering the she only looked to be a few years older that Io.
Jupiter snapped, "That was very irresponsible of you, Io! I thought you better than that!"
"Um, with all due respect, I doubt that you just called to keep tabs on me."
She nodded. "True enough. We have word that Planet X is under attack."
Phil blinked. "Planet X?"
Io took over. "We're, I mean, I'm on my way, Mistress Jupiter!" Before Sailor Jupiter could respond, the Backup Senshi broke their communications link and locked in the new course. The stars blurred, then all of space turned into a blue tunnel as they jumped into hyperspace.
Jupiter cursed. The relatively primitive communicators at her disposal couldn't penetrate hyperspace. Mostly because the Silver Imperium hadn't yet found a way to enter it except through the ships produced by the Galactic Republic. She slammed her fist into a consol. "That airhead! If Sailor Planet X couldn't handle it, what chance does she think that she has!?" She had been planning to order Io to a rendezvous point so that the two of them could face the threat together. She leapt up and ran to her own transport. "With any luck, she can soften up those Saiyans for me." She decided that she could contact Sailor Europa en route.
Phil had this impending sense of doom. Also, she didn't like being taken off of her path to the Time Gate and vengeance upon Sailor Pluto. Phil attempted to punch the emergency cutoff switch that would bring them back to realspace. However, Io focused all of her will into holding her arm still. Phil continued struggling. "You flake! Stop! I shall not be deterred from my righteous retribution!"
Io had to think quickly. For one thing, Phil might remember that she had another arm to use. "Phil, it's our..."
"You mean YOUR!"
"... responsibility to help the people of Planet X!"
Phil stopped. "Well, for one thing, there is no Planet X! I know for a fact that there are only nine planets and thirty-odd moons in our Solar System!"
"Wrong! Computer, bring up data for Planet X!" The voice recognition technology responded, bringing up a hologram of a blue and white planet. Phil noted that it orbited along the same vector as the asteroid field currently does.
In an annoying monotone, the computer read the data for Planet X. "Planet X. The fifth planet in the Solar System. It was named because the main continent bears a striking resemblance to the letter X. Atmosphere is of a similar composition as the Moon's. Planet has five satellites, each the size of a large meteor. None have any atmosphere, although several mining companies have expressed interest in them in recent years. Normal weather patterns: Yearlong wind storms cover approximately twenty percent of the planet's surface, the most famous of which is the Great Blue Spot. Over eighty percent of the remaining surface is covered by ocean. What remains is habitable by oxygen breathing organic life forms. Gravity: roughly twelve times that of the Moon, or 1.2 times that of Earth. Population as of 7090 B.C. is fifty million. For information on defenders, please use authorization code."
Io shook her head. "Negative, computer. That won't be..."
Phil interjected, seizing control of their vocal cords. "Code is 'Io Rules, Europa Drools'."
"Code accepted."
Io blinked. "How did you know that?"
Phil grinned, even though Io couldn't see it. "I used to be you, remember?" She sorted through some memories and chuckled. "My, you really didn't like Sailor Europa, did you? Computer, give data on defenders."
A message flashed on the hologram asking them to wait for a moment. "Defenders: Approximately one regiment of infantry is stationed on planet. Infantry is rated as being of regular experience. Also, roughly fifty short range fighters are stationed on Planet X. No other conventional forces are present. Bringing up psychological profile of Sailor Planet X, the Senshi of Courage."
After a few moments, a picture of a girl about the same age as Jupiter's past incarnation appeared on the screen. Phil blinked. And he blinked again. "Shave off a few years, remove that scar on her right cheek... hmmm... oh my; Ecks was right."
"Sailor Planet X. Official Title: the Senshi of Courage. Title was bestowed after single handedly driving away an invading force from the Skrull. Distinguishing characteristics: Sailor Planet X is approximately 1.7 meters tall and wears the standard Sailor Senshi Fuku colored black. She has straight black hair that goes down to the middle of her back. A small scar on her right cheek and a slightly larger nose eliminates any resemblance to Sailor Mars. Powers: unlike all of the other Senshi, her attacks draw primarily upon the energy field known as "Chi." Her magic potential is limited, but she is the most physically powerful of the Senshi. Has served in several campaigns, and has received many commendations for her efforts. No further data."
Phil raised their eyebrow. "Uh, Io, why do you have data on all of the Senshi on your ship?"
"Why wouldn't I? It's always a good idea to be informed."
Phil silently noted that perhaps her past self wasn't so flaky after all.
* *
Planet X
Sailor Planet X collapsed as the attacker's fist smashed her right cheek. The red scar flared as the scar tissue began to bleed. She brought herself up onto her hands and knees and coughed. Summoning her dwindling Chi reserves, Ecks staggered to her feet. She glared at the man before her.
The Saiyan mercenary, named Tag, cracked his knuckles and grinned. Unlike most of his race, his black hair was neither long, nor did it ignore gravity. He had a large nose and a strong chin. His light blue eyes carried a look of pure contempt. His brown, furry tail wriggled behind him. In a mocking tone, he said, "Oh, what's the matter? Is the poor widdle Sailow Senshi gonna cwy? 'Cause that'd just be oh so sad! Boo hoo."
His companion was named Bink. He had an olive complexion, and his black hair was shaved in a buzz cut. His brown eyes communicated extreme boredom. He had a weak chin and a small nose. His own tail behaved like that of an angry cat. "Tag, are you quite done playing with her? Lady Kalt will not be pleased if we are tardy."
"Let that damned lizard lady wait. I'm having fun."
Bink glowered at his partner. "Tag, it's easy for you to forget the day that those aliens attacked and enslaved our race, but I was there. It was horrible; they destroyed half of our cities AFTER we had surrendered! I, for one, do not appreciate the idea of provoking another such punishment!"
Tag sighed. "Fine. I'll just be two more minutes."
Ecks pointed her hands at the gloating Saiyan. "Planet X Cannon!" A green blast of light struck Tag in the torso. And had no visible effect. "How the hell did he do that?" She sank to her knees, completely exhausted. Then, she fell face first into the soil of her world. "I've failed my world!"
Tag lifted her up by her hair and he was rewarded by a cry of pain from Ecks. "Is that the best you Senshi can do? Oh, and don't worry. Your planet will be just fine. It's the population that's going bye bye."
"Wh-what?"
"Lady Kalt is in the business of depopulating planets, and then selling them on the open market. We work for her, and as such, that is our business as well."
"No!"
"Yup. Everything you know is gonna get blown away, and there isn't a thing you can do about it."
Bink ignored Tag's banter. "Hey Tag, you feel that?"
Tag caught Ecks with a kick to the jaw that was accompanied by a loud crunch. "Feel what?"
"Just a bit of foreboding. I feel a significant power heading this way."
Tag stopped his beating for a moment. "Hey, you're right. I'd say around power level fifty. Way below this creampuff." He returned to his savage assault. He grabbed her arm, manipulated it so that it stood out strait, then brought his hand in for a vicious chop. Ecks cried out again as her arm was broken.
Bink pointed. "See that? It's one of them new TY-350 Correlian model Freighters." Tag leveled his arm to blast is out of the sky, but Bink smacked him on the back of the head. "Stop that, you idiot! That thing's way above those pods we're piloting. Just imagine; traveling from system to system in weeks, instead of months! A ship with actual weapon systems, and enough shielding to take a few hits! And, most glorious of all, enough leg room that we wouldn't need to go into suspended animation just to keep from getting cabin fever! I say we take it!"
Tag nodded. "I hadn't thought of that." He kicked Ecks in the face, shattering her nose.
Bink growled. "If you aren't willing to finish her off, then I will!" A blast of yellow energy engulfed Ecks, and she disappeared as she was reduced to her component atoms.
Tag was enraged. "Hey, she was my kill! That's not fair!"
"You know the saying; fairness is what the weak demand. Now back off! It's my turn. Even if we are forty times stronger than she is, it might be fun."
Tag scratched his head. "How da ya know it's a she?"
Bink smirked. "These Silver Imperium types are all alike; completely biased in favor of females. Believe me, as far as those stupid bitches are concerned, males are only worthy of being cannon fodder and breeding stock."
"Like that regiment we vaporized?"
"Bingo."
The Blue Heron landed almost on top of the pair. Phil and Io had been watching the last part of the battle through as they came in for a landing. Io was distraught. "Those jerks! How could they do that?"
"You have to make certain allowances for Saiyans. Now, leave this to me." Remembering their "training session," Io nodded.
Phil walked across the gangplank and almost fell over. "Damned high heels." She immediately kicked them off.
Bink smirked. "Well, girly, you're rich. You can't even walk in your own damned uniform!"
Phil smirked back. "We'll see who's laughing in a minute, asshole."
Bink pretended to be taken aback. "Gasp! This one's got quite a mouth on her!"
"Say Bink, you think we should have a little "fun" with this one before we vape her?"
Bink eyed the curvy blue haired girl. He liked what he saw. "Why Tag. That's the best idea I've had all day."
Now Phil was officially pissed. "Bastards!" The air around her shimmered as she utilized the Mystical Powerup.
Bink looked back at his partner. "Hey Tag, wanna give me a power level reading on this one?"
"Sure thing." Tag took an item from his pocket that looked a lot like a tricorder. Phil guessed that the monocle style Scouters hadn't been invented yet. Tag pressed the button. As the numbers climbed, Tag's expression went from egotistical to petrified. "Bink! P-power level four thousand, five hundred and twenty nine!"
"What?"
Phil grinned. "To borrow a phrase, it's clobberin' time!" Phil faded out of sight, then reappeared with her fist in Bink's gut. To her surprise, he was still standing. "Oh, right. I'm not all powerful anymore."
Bink exhaled. "OK, now I'm gonna kick your scrawny butt!"
Phil responded by kneeing him in the groin. She almost wished that she still had her high heels. He collapsed. She grinned at Tag. "Wanna try me, ugly?"
"Why you little!" His aura flared to life. In seconds, the two were locked in combat, disappearing and reappearing at random points. Tag took a right hook that sent him flying into a rocky outcropping. He quickly recovered. "You're gonna have to do better than that!"
Phil estimated that Tag was the stronger of the pair. Individually, she would have little problem against them. Together, however, they were a force to be reckoned with. Also, she didn't know how long she could maintain her current power level. She flew in towards Tag on an intercept course. "I've got to finish this fast. Chestnut Fist!" Her fists became blurs that repeatedly hammered the Saiyan. His battle armor had several large cracks in it. A purple aura flared to life around her. "Shi Shi Houkou ouch!" Bink, having recovered from her earlier attack, kicked her in the back of the head. Her purple aura collapsed.
She fell to her knees. Bink grabbed her by the arm. She struggled, attempting to free herself. She was quite surprised when she couldn't do so. She thought this over. "What? I'm twice as strong as he is! This form must shoot my upper body strength to hell!"
Bink laughed. "We're gonna have fun with this one. Plenty of spunk!"
Then, she had an idea. She gathered her energy into her free hand. "Special Beam Cannon!" The twin bolts of energy blasted into Bink's arm, almost burning through the skin. As it was, he now sported a nasty third degree burn in that spot.
That was when Tag reentered the fray. Although she had greater speed, the two had worked together for years, and could anticipate each other's moves. Her kick caught Tag in the arm, but Bink was already behind her. She barely managed to avoid his Chi bolt and launch her counterstrike. The one-two combo hammered Bink's stomach, but his armor held.
Bink's punch was perfectly timed with Tag's, and they boxed her ears. She cried out in pain as the assault knocked out her inner ear. She collapsed to the ground once again. She was quickly on her feet again, but didn't stay there for long, as Tag punched her in the gut. Attempting to ignore the pain, Phil managed to block the next couple of punches. However, while she was attempting to deal with Tag, Bink got her in a full Nelson. "Give it up, girly!"
Io had an idea. "Io Sacred Flame!" She burst into fire, worsening the damage Phil had done to his arm. Crying out, he lost his grip. Phil took the reins again, elbowing him in the gut, then putting the heel of her hand into his chin.
However, while Bink was getting his head handed to him, Tag had been powering up an attack. "Take this!" A bolt of green energy flew out at her. Unable to dodge in time, Phil moved her arms to cover her face. The Chi washed over her, and when she was visible again, she was smoldering. Phil was in serious pain.
Phil muttered, "So much for that makeup."
Bink had ripped off part of his shirt to bandage his wound. Now, he was back on the defensive, and Tag joined in. As blows rained down on the Physics Police Officer, she knew that she as in trouble.
"Io, we can't win this way."
"Yeah, but what are we going to do?"
Bink blinked. "She's talking to herself! This chick's nuts!"
Phil grit their teeth. "This. Kaio-ken times two!" A red aura flared to life around them. Her fist smashed into Tag's face, and she felt the nose give away. Bink could barely see the attack that came next; Phil flipped him over her shoulder, and he crashed into Tag. The Saiyans lay there for a moment, attempting to recover.
Phil didn't give them the chance. "Ka... me... ha... me... HA!" The massive wave of blue energy flew out at the pair. Tag and Bink were sure that the end had finally come.
And then, with some adrenaline induced power, Tag somehow blocked it.
Thus, the blast ricocheted . The massive blast burrowed into Planet X. After a few moments, there was a great rumbling. Off in the distance, Phil saw gasses seeping out of a massive hole in the planet's crust.
Io screamed, "Phil, what have you done?"
Phil's Mystical Powerup collapsed. "I guess I put just a little too much energy into that last blast. Oops." Phil stumbled. "Io, quick, get us to the ship! I don't have enough energy left to move us!" The Backup Senshi didn't disagree, and in a few minutes, the Blue Heron and a couple of Saiyan model space pods flew away from the planet. Of course, they took different routes.
A few seconds later, the planet exploded. The reaction would eventually form the asteroid belt.
* *
In the cockpit of the Blue Heron, Phil was nervous. Jupiter had a glare that would have peeled titanium off of a space shuttle. And she wasn't even her boss.
"What do you mean, Planet X is gone?"
Phil was doing the talking. "Well, uh, Mistress Jupiter, you see, some Saiyan on that planet put a bit too much energy into a blast and, well, boom!" Phil wasn't exactly lying; she was, in part, a Saiyan, in mind if not in body.
Jupiter nodded. "And what of Sailor Planet X?"
"She fought with honor to the last." Phil was actually kind of sad about that. Then again, she figured that Ecks would have to have died anyways at the end of the Imperium, and besides, it wasn't her fault.
The deaths of the fifty million people weighed heavily on her conscience. "I'm as bad as Freeza, or Grand Moff Tarkin, or Emperor Palpatine. I'm a monster." She let Io relate the tale to her superior, and brooded in the back of their collective mind.
Then, she realized a few things. For one, Tag and Bink would have killed them all anyways; all she did was to ensure that some mercenary scum- lord didn't profit from it. "Besides," she considered, "the Saiyans just might leave the Solar System alone for a while. Say, about ten thousand years?" Also, even if she had saved them, they would have died along with the rest of the Moon Kingdom due to Queen Beryl's attack. So, all she had done was to speed up the process. She still felt horrible, and swore that she would find some way to make up for it. Somehow.
Jupiter sighed. "We shall return to the Moon for debriefing."
"But..."
"No buts, Io!"
Phil was torn. On the one hand, she felt like telling her where she could put her orders. On the other, Phil realized that she had to maintain the charade of being Sailor Io, or else risk being "exorcized" out of existence by the Silver Imperium Crystal. She nodded. "OK." This time, it was Jupiter that broke the link. Phil said, "Io, you take the controls for a bit. I think that I've earned a nap."
Io was left alone with her thoughts. What scared her was that, with Phil's complete memories of the rest of her life, she couldn't find any remembrances of this. "History is shifting dramatically."
Meanwhile, on Pluto, the Senshi of the same name used the last of her headache medication going over the same dilemma.
* *
"Bink." No response. "Bink." Again, nothing. "Bink!"
"What do you want?"
"What're we gonna tell Lady Kalt?"
"We don't have to tell HER anything. It's Baron Kura that we have to worry about. I doubt that he'll be happy with us, seeing as how we've failed. We were supposed to get that Planet, and what happened? That crazy chick blew it up!"
Tag began thinking. "OK, we need a story. OK, here's what we tell him; some kind of Super Senshi beat us up, and we barely managed to leave with our lives."
Bink responded with sarcasm. "Oh, yeah. Sure. The Baron is just going to be THRILLED to find out that two of his warriors got beaten up by a Sailor Senshi."
"But we were!"
"Look, Tag, if we're going to lie, we might as well make it good."
"OK... so, how about a Super Saiyan?"
"A what?"
Tag was on a roll. "Yeah, a Super Saiyan! Yeah, she... no, make that he. HE had power greater than that of Lady Kalt."
"Oh really. A rogue Saiyan?"
"Yeah, yeah, and, um... oh! If we say that he was noble, and that there was a genetic chance of all nobility accessing this power, the Baron'd be a lot happier!"
Bink was getting into it. "Yeah, so this Super Saiyan guy, he comes along. Oh, we'll say that he could only maintain his power in his Oozaru state, and he lost control of his power and blew up the planet."
Tag grinned. "And then we, being the good, responsible guys that we are, decided that, as good as a heroic death sounded, that we had to tell our Baron of this horrible news!"
"Let's make it a legendary thing. Like, say, the legendary Super Saiyan will rise every... nine hundred years?"
"Make it a thousand. It's a rounder number."
"So, this Super Saiyan had great power. He was in Oozaru form, and accidentally destroyed the planet. And, every thousand years, another noble will gain this strength!"
Tag nodded. "Sounds good to me. Let's rehearse it some more."
And thus, Phil was the inspiration for the legend of the Super Saiyan. Due to the power of suggestion, the Saiyan's DNA shifted so that this power was accessible to their offspring, although it took nearly ten thousand years before any Saiyan managed to achieve that level of power. Baron Kura spared their lives, and they went on to fight in many more battles.
End Part 33
Author's note: Anybody who can figure out where I came up with the names "Tag" and "Bink" will receive a lovely "No Prize." Inspired by Marvel Comics' famous item, I will email you and tell you that you have received... nothing! The answer will be revealed in five chapters.
NEW NOTE: The No-Prize offered for Tag and Binks origin ended on March 22, 2002. Sorry if you came too late to enter (not that anyone besided Elvin Flame cared, but I digress.)
* For those who wonder what the heck a Utahraptor is: for Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg decided that the real Velociraptors were too tiny to be intimidating. Each Raptor in the movie was at least three times larger than their real life equivalent. The script writers and consultants were very nervous for a long time about this scientific inaccuracy, until Utahraptor, a predator exactly the same size as the movie Raptors, was discovered in, you guessed it: Podunk Idaho. But seriously, all of the Raptors in the Jurassic Park movies were really Utahraptors. Thank you for your time.
* Kalt: German for Cold.
