Part 34

Why Phil's Life Sucks

Chapter Three

By Bobcat

Disclaimer: I do hereby declare that Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball GT are the sole property of the Great Fanfiction Author's Communist Party! That's right! Cast off the foul yokes of capitalism and come with me! Write what you want when you want, and no more disclaimers! (Sound of gun being cocked). Uh, Luigi! Back so soon? Help!

Earth's Moon

Date: 8000 B.C.

Phil was terrified. Practically scared out of her wits, in fact.

Now, this was a very rare occurrence. Phil had faced beings like Cell, Majin Buu, Vegeta and Kerrigan without breaking. She would occasionally retreat when it was convenient, but had never known true fear. Thus, it was very odd that Phil was afraid of that bastion of love, the mother figure of the Sailor Senshi, Queen Serenity.

The reason that Phil was afraid was because she was currently inhabiting the body of another. Specifically, one of the Senshi, Sailor Io. Phil had read up Serenity's psychological profile once, looking for some insight on the woman who, for no apparent reason, had decided that the ultimate warriors of love and justice would be girls in Japanese style school uniforms. She knew that Serenity was, overall, a kind, loving person. However, she went into mother grizzly mode when her Senshi were in danger, and tended to rule with a titanium fist.

Since the Senshi hadn't been killed and reincarnated yet, Serenity had no reason to believe any story Phil might tell about her being the reborn Senshi, mysteriously sent back in time to inhabit the form of her past life. More likely, as Io had initially done, Serenity would consider her a demon sent by some previously unknown enemy to possess her Senshi. However, unlike Io, whose magical talents were limited to her Senshi powers, Serenity possessed the Silver Imperium Crystal. With this power magical artifact, she would simply "exorcize" Io, eliminating Phil. Utterly and completely. After all, nobody ever really cared what happened to the demon of the week; it was just a "soulless monster."

Io had initially been all for this plan, until Phil had pointed out a very important fact; eventually, since she and Phil were one, Io would return to the past as Phil and be erased. This had dampened Io's enthusiasm quite a bit.

Currently, Phil was doing her best to blend in. She made no attempts to move Io's body, was mostly silent, and basically folded into herself. Since their mental patterns were fairly similar, Phil figured that it would take a skilled telepath to determine that Io's mind had two inhabitants.

Thus, Io was in control when they entered the Queen's chamber. She, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Europa all fell to their knees, waiting for Serenity to acknowledge their presence.

Phil considered her companions. Sailor Jupiter, for one, was completely different than her future incarnation. Unlike the tough, but well meaning, boy crazy girl she had met before, Jupiter had an old soul, despite the fact that she still looked to be in her early twenties. Of course, Phil decided that it was an inevitable result of aging one year for every one hundred that passed, but still. Phil's Force abilities had been cut off upon returning to the past, but she could instinctively sense that Jupiter was a veteran of far more combat than Makoto would ever have dreamed of. It was in the way she carried herself, with an air of confidence. It was in the way that she talked, the short and to the point speech patterns of one who knew that their life could end at any moment. More, however, were her eyes. Phil could see a sorrow in those eyes; she had seen it in her own in the mirror on several occasions. It was the look of anybody who has ever had to say goodbye to an ally on the battlefield. Phil prayed that the future Jupiter never encountered those memories. The trauma could literally destroy one's psyche.

Sailor Europa, on the other hand, was completely different. She was a fiery redhead, with a determination in her eyes. In her youthful exuberance, Europa probably felt that she could tackle anything. Phil mentally sighed. "Ah, the innocence of youth." Which was ironic, considering that Europa had probably seen more than a hundred years than Phil had. However, Europa simply hadn't lived as much as Phil had. Phil could sense that Io really didn't like that girl at all, and scanned her memories, attempting to determine why. Phil sighed upon seeing why. "Europa was always managing to curry the favor of those in power, getting the choice assignments, dating everybody that Io liked... man, it's like me and Warren!" She reflected that, no matter how many thousands of years passed, no matter what her name, she was always the low man on the totem pole.

Idly, Phil wondered how the color coding of the Sailor Senshi's hair had broken down. Sailor Mercury, the Senshi of Water, had blue hair. Sailor Saturn, the dark Senshi destined to destroy Earth, had black hair. In Io's case, she was the Senshi of a fiery and volcanic planet, yet had dark blue hair. Europa, a world of ice, had a defender with hair of red.

Phil's musings were interrupted as Serenity addressed them. Phil quickly retreated back into the recesses of Io's mind, but made sure that she still had connections to what Io saw and heard.

"Rise, my Senshi." They complied. "This a dark day for us all. Planet X has been destroyed, along with its Senshi. There will be a day of mourning throughout the Solar System. But first, Io, since you were the only witness to the event, what happened?"

Io took a deep breath, remembering the version of events that they had decided would be the least likely to end with Phil's erasure. "Your majesty, I was already in space at the point that Mistress Jupiter contacted me. I was admittedly over exuberant, and disconnected immediately upon hearing the location of the threat, without waiting to be informed of its nature. As I entered the atmosphere, I was able to witness and record Sailor Planet X fall before the invaders. I managed to determine that they were Saiyans, likely hired to depopulate the planet so that it could be sold on the open market."

Io inhaled. This was where she would have to lie through her teeth in order not to be found out. "I attacked them head on and was overwhelmed. They proved to be virtually immune to my attacks. At the height of the battle, one of the Saiyans fired an energy blast with more power than I have ever seen before. I was barely able to dodge the blast, and it tore into the planet, reaching its core. I realized that I couldn't beat the Saiyans, and retreated just before the planet exploded. Then, I rendezvoused with Mistress Jupiter and Sailor Europa and joined you here.

Serenity nodded. "Thank you, Io. Now Jupiter, explain why I should allow you to leave here alive."

All three blinked at once. Jupiter responded, "Whatever do you mean, your majesty?"

She glared at them. "Being the closest planet, you and your backup Senshi were given orders to mobilize. Only one of your subordinates actually engaged the enemy, and, due to a lack of support, failed miserably. You and Sailor Europa arrived nearly an hour after the fact, and found the planet vaporized. Your failure was complete; you didn't even manage to find the Saiyans who attacked Planet X!"

Jupiter shifted uncomfortably. She had never seen her queen like this before. Then again, Serenity had never had one of her planets vaporized, either. The Queen had a number of bad tendencies; she sometimes sought out a convenient scapegoat, often took bad advice to heart and would rarely change her mind once it was made up. This time, Jupiter had been in charge of the situation, and the situation had gone badly. Actually, she decided that this was one of those situations where the Queen had a point, but she didn't think that Serenity had really thought it through. However, the Queen never suggested death unless she had already decided upon it. Jupiter resigned herself to her fate.

Io interjected on her commander's behalf. "Your highness, with all due respect, I think that you're being a little hard on her. Yes, the planets Jupiter was the closest to Planet X, but the distance was still great. The only reason that I arrived in time to fight the invaders was because I was on a joyride. Also, I believe that, even with all three of us there at once, we couldn't have defeated them."

Serenity was surprised. "A power greater than that of the Senshi?"

Io realized that she was going out on a limb, but couldn't back down now. However, she knew that the first rule of talking to Queen Serenity and surviving the experience was to not denigrate her Sailor Senshi. "Your majesty, I have trained with Mistress Jupiter, and I have fought with these invaders. I know the strengths of both. Jupiter could most likely surpass the Saiyans for sheer power, but they were far swifter. We wouldn't have been able to lay a glove on them. I managed to connect a few times, but I think that they were toying with me. I couldn't have beaten them." This time, Io was telling the truth; she couldn't have contributed meaningfully to the battle. After all, it was Phil who had actually fought. "I beseech you, do not blame Mistress Jupiter!"

Phil was wondering why Io was struggling to hard to save Sailor Jupiter. It could just be the connection between an officer and her subordinate, but Phil found that unlikely. She could sense some kind of bond between the two, but sifting through the memories of her past life was a trying task.

Serenity considered. Then, her eyes softened. The emotion in Io's plea had touched her. "I see the wisdom in what you say, Io. I may have been too harsh. I suppose that, in my grief for the people of Planet X, as well as Sailor Planet X, my judgment may have been clouded. You are all dismissed."

Phil was surprised that it had worked. According to what she knew about Queen Serenity, those who disagreed with her often met with various unpleasant fates. Phil briefly wondered if Io had subconsciously used a Jedi Mind trick. "Hey, Io, why'd you do that? I mean, your odds of success weren't very good, and you could have ended up sharing her fate."

Io thought back, "Wouldn't you do the same for your mother?"

"Makoto? My... Mother?" Suddenly, triggered by the thought, a wave of her own memories confirmed it.

As they left the palace, Phil had to work VERY hard to suppress the dark purple aura that was building up around her. All that stopped the Shi Shi Houkou Dan was the threat of discovery and erasure.

* *

Ten Thousand Years Later:

Ecks spread out the Dragon Balls in a circular pattern. A few meters away, turned away from the event, Ralph was panting. Having spent the better part of a day hunting down these mystical rocks, he was exhausted. Particularly the three star ball, which they had found last. He shuddered. "Who (pant) would have (wheeze) thought that (pant) gators could be so fast?"

Ecks looked in an old Dragon Ball magazine, studying the proper way to release Shen Long, the Eternal Dragon. "OK, that should do it." She cleared her throat. "Ahem. Arise, Eternal Dragon!" The balls glowed a very bright orange. Suddenly, from nowhere, a ball of energy formed. After a few moments, it began to stretch and contort itself into the shape of a very large, green, oriental style dragon. Ecks was dumbstruck. "Whoa. Big. Dragon." She promptly fainted.

In a booming voice, it said, "I am Shen Long, the Eternal Dragon! I shall grant any two wishes that you desire, but be warned; they shall come true."

Ralph, having missed the sound of the dragon's summoning over the sound of his heartbeat and ragged breathing, said, "Man, I wish all the superheroes and supervillains were back so that I could take a nap."

The Jedi nearly wet himself when Shen Long said, "Your wish has been granted." He finally turned around and saw the dragon and the unconscious form of Ecks.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, mortal."

"In the immortal words of Homer Simpson: D'oh!"

* *

Meanwhile, at the cursed springs of Jusenkyo...

A pink haired nun wiped her brow. "Sister Mary," formerly known as Cell, had been hard work attempting to rebuild the church that had never existed. Having found no evidence of any buildings of any sort, besides the small shack inhabited by the Jusenkyo Guide and his daughter, she was forced to build from the ground up. The foundation was proving rather difficult. But, she persevered, remembering what that nice man had said that she would be forgiven once she had built the church. Suddenly, as Shen Long's wish took affect, she felt rather faint; it was as if a large part of her being had suddenly vanished. It passed quickly enough, so she went back to work.

* *

Ralph was pondering what to do. On the one hand, it might be a good idea to wish that he would know exactly what his wish had done. Unfortunately, that would make it impossible for him to undo any damage that he had done for a full year. Spending time with Phil, he had learned that one day of chaos could have disastrous results for everyone. He then multiplied the effect by three hundred and sixty-five and a quarter, and shuddered at the result.

On the other hand, he could always wish back all of the ordinary people, as well as whatever structures Cell and Majin Buu had destroyed. The Dragon had once wished back the entire population of the planet Namek; it could likely bring back the people killed by those monsters. The only problem with that was that they could all easily be killed again if he had unleashed anything truly horrible upon the world.

So, he could undo the wish. The phrase, "I wish that my last wish be undone," would make the whole problem go away. Then, in a year, he could simply come back and try again. Unfortunately, that choice was also unacceptable, since it would cause all of the superheroes to be reabsorbed by Sister Mary. A year without any significant superheroes on Earth could be devastating, considering how many new villains and alien invaders surfaced annually.

Then again, he could always send the Dragon away. If he did that, he would be able to make a single wish in four months, by which time he would know enough of the situation to make an educated wish. However, four months of chaos didn't sound much better than a full year.

Shen Long was becoming annoyed. "Do not waste my time, mortal."

Ralph decided to go with option number two. "I wish that everybody and everything absorbed, killed and/or destroyed by Majin Buu and/or Cell would be brought back to life or rebuilt."

"Your wish has been granted." In a flash of light, Ralph felt an odd disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out, and then wondered what the heck had just happened. Shen Long returned to the Dragon Balls, which were turned to gray stones. The levitated into the air, and then flew to the far edges of the earth.

Ecks woke up. "Huh? What happened?"

Ralph said, "Nothing important. Now, let's go back to the shrine."

Nodding, Ecks took to the sky. Ralph followed, praying that he hadn't screwed up too badly.

(Author's note: yeah, right.)

* *

Back in the past:

Phil was adapting to the idea of being Makoto's daughter. After all, none of her own body's genes had come from the brunette. They were nothing alike, physically. Phil theorized that the generations of selective breeding involved in the Physics Police's eugenics program had brought that about.

Io, on the other hand, did bear a striking resemblance to her mother, as far as body shape and face were concerned. She wasn't as tall as her mother, but they were otherwise similar. Also, looking deeper, she could see some personality traits shared by Io and Jupiter. Jumping up and defending your ally against a great threat like Io had done, even if your odds of success were grim? Classic Sailor Jupiter. From Io's memories, Phil saw that she had always been shy around boys, although she and her (admittedly small) circle of friends talked about little else. Again, just like Makoto. So, the connection was there. Besides, it explained Io's intense dislike of Europa; sibling rivalry.

"So, let me see if I've got this right; Jupiter's your mother and Europa's your sister. You're the youngest sibling, so you're also last in line for the succession of the mantle of Sailor Jupiter. You hate Europa because, as firstborn, she gets all of the privileges. Am I right so far?"

"Mostly."

"Now, who was your father?"

"I don't know. It really doesn't matter. Just some consort."

Phil's eyebrow raised, but she didn't say anything. In a matrilineal society like the Silver Imperium, males were generally given short shrift. Since the Senshi weren't allowed to marry (mainly because Queen Serenity decided that it would be too great a distraction from their duties to her. Phil noted that Serenity was something of a control freak), they would occasionally take consorts in order to breed successors. What confused Phil was that he had read that each Senshi was only allowed one daughter to carry on their title. Io couldn't explain the discrepancy, since it was all that she knew. Phil supposed the FC-1 hadn't been formed from a perfect replica of the Sailor Moon universe, much like how there were small deviations in the DBZ timeline.

Phil and Io ceased their internal conversation as Jupiter reached out and touched their shoulder. "Io, thank you for defending me back there. You have my gratitude. Thus, you will only be grounded for a week."

"Huh?" Phil and Io said this simultaneously.

Jupiter sighed. "Daughter, please understand. Your punishment is for abandoning your post to go "joyriding," as you put it. Now, you will not be allowed to leave Io for any reason whatsoever for a full week. Understood?"

Phil had to struggle even harder to suppress the Shi Shi Houkou Dan. Io took over. "Yes, Mother."

"Very well. Please know that I am proud of you, for both your defense of myself, and helping to protect Planet X. You shall grow up to be a fine Senshi. I shall see you in a week."

That was when the Senshi of Jupiter and the Senshi of Europa left. Which was good, considering that Phil's battle aura flared dramatically, actually burning away the ground beneath her. Phil's eye twitched. "Note to self; when I get back to the future, hurt Makoto. Change that. Make that hurt Makoto SEVERELY." Still trembling, she stomped up the Blue Heron's gangplank, creating several large dents in the process. A few moments later, the Correlian freighter left the Moon's atmosphere.

* *

Ten Thousand Years later, at the Masaki Shrine:

The air around Omi shimmered, as the energies of the Mystical Powerup surrounded her. Pure rage was all that was reflected from her normally soft features. At the moment, she was holding Sailor Pluto up by the front of her Fuku. Omi lashed out with her index finger, slashing across Pluto's cheek. "I'm not going to ask again. What did you do to my father?"

At the moment, Phil's comatose form was lying on the couch. All of the future girls had attempted to revive their mentor, but to no avail. That was when Omi had flipped out. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, Chibi Ryoko and GoChibi were currently hiding behind the aforementioned couch. They had never seem Omi like this.

Pluto sputtered, "I-I sent his mind to the past, so that he would meet with his past life. He'll be back once he completes his mission! Please, don't hurt me anymore!"

Chibi Ryoko scratched her head. "I don't remember Phil ever mentioning that. Do you, GoChibi?"

"Nope."

The young super genius shook her head. "Tisk tisk. Pluto, there's something you should know; it's been proven that it's statistically impossible to change history back to the way it was originally. Any changes you make in your attempts to stabilize the timeline will just make it worse. Now, I suggest that you leave before Omi gets madder."

"O-OK. I give up! But, don't come crying to me when your presence changes history as we know it forever!" Waving about the Time Staff (which looked as if it had been snapped in half and then repaired with duct tape), Pluto disappeared.

GoChibi looked at her Godfather with a look of concern in her eyes. "I hope he's OK."

Chibi Ryoko sighed. "If only there was something we could do!"

"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff popped out of nowhere, brandishing its pen/microphone. It pointed the device at Phil's face and made a few motions, indicating that it wanted to draw on Phil's face.

Omi powered down and sighed. "No, Jigglypuff. Besides that. Jigglypuff, return!" Omi's Pokemon returned to its Pokeball. Omi thought for a few moments, and then said, "Hey, maybe we could play some Mario Party while we wait for Phil's mind to return?"

"OK."

The three girls raced for the TV, each calling out, "I call controller one!"

Ayeka, who had raced to the top of the stairs when she had heard the explosions, saw Phil lying there, completely helpless. She realized that she could simply kill him right then and there, thus ending her torment for good. However, as much as it would benefit her, she couldn't bring herself to slay him in cold blood like that. So, her mind was focused on pondering why Phil was always so mean to her. "After all", she reasoned, "if I can find the root of the problem, then I can find the solution." (As we know, he does it because of a lack of better targets, but she didn't know that.)

Most people, when attempting to work out something logically, they follow the following pattern: they start with a group of facts, determine how they relate to each other, and then come to a conclusion. Ayeka's thought process was reversed; she began with a few conclusions that comfortably fit her world view, molded the facts to fit said world view, then made a new conclusion.

Ayeka began with two conclusions; 1) she was a dignified Princess, with womanly charms that no man could resist, and 2) Phil was an immature, egotistical bastard. (OK, so she was half right. If you can't guess which half, you have some kind of learning disorder.)

So, she thought for a few moments, and then considered her analysis of Phil's personality. Perhaps he thought a lot of himself, but, she reasoned, he was so strong that he had reason to do so. After all, most people with above human strength (but obviously not herself) tended to be egotistical, like Ryoko. So, perhaps his high opinion of himself was excusable.

Then, as far as his immaturity, she had noticed the same thing in Ryoko was well (but again, obviously SHE, the beautiful, demure princess, wasn't the immature one). Perhaps it was a side effect of being superhuman? Either way, she considered something that she had seen on a talk show once. Specifically, immature boys tended to mock and tease and, on occasion, pull pranks on girls that they liked.

Taking this possibility and combining it with conclusion number one, she could find only one "logical" solution; Phil was obviously smitten with her, but couldn't bring himself to admit his true feelings for her. Without that vent for his emotions, he had to find other ways to get her attention.

At first, she was repulsed by the idea. Then, she happened to notice Chibi Ryoko. The girl from the future was living proof that she and Tenchi just simply weren't meant to be. Also, she didn't want to end up alone, like Chibi Ryoko had mentioned. Looking at the currently soulless form of Phil, she came to the realization that he actually was rather attractive. Thus, for herself and to help the poor, sweet, emotionally immature Phil, she would pursue him!

Phil suddenly flipped over. She blinked. "That's odd. If I didn't know better, I would say he was turning over in his grave. Oh, well." She went to the room she shared with Sasami to make herself presentable for Phil's return.

End Part 34

Author's note: Poor Phil.

Poor, Poor Phil.