Part 35

Why Phil's Life Sucks

Chapter 4

By Bobcat

Disclaimer: Does anybody actually read these anymore? We all know what I'm going to say.

Universe FC-1

Sol System, Io

Princess Io's Palace

8,000 B.C.

About five days after Part 34

Phil was pissed.

Not that this was a particularly odd state of mind for her to be in. After all, recent events had pushed her life from "man, this kind of sucks," to "I think I'll put a gun to my head after I have wrought vengeance upon those who have wronged me."

The most recent indignity was being grounded. That's right; having just saved Sailor Jupiter from almost certain execution at the hands of Queen Serenity, Io had been GROUNDED for abandoning her post to go to Pluto, with her objective being the Time Gate. Phil thought that was funny, considering most people would feel, oh say, maybe, GRATITUDE towards the person who had saved their lives. Now, it was beginning to look as if Phil would never get home.

So, Phil was currently releasing some steam. A quick scan of Io's memories had revealed that the palace sported a rather advanced security systems, with layers of protection ranging from armed guards to massive, Mobile-Suit like androids. So, Phil had activated the entire contingent of twenty robots and was currently smashing them. It had taken some doing, considering that the robots were specifically programmed to never attack Io, no matter what orders they received. According to Io, this was to ensure that no assassins reprogrammed them, which Phil thought made some sense. Phil had found out that one had self destructed rather than defend itself from a Chi bolt.

So, Phil had used the "Io Disguise Pen," which Io said that every Senshi was issued, (which led her to wonder why Sailor Moon was the only one to possess one in the future) to alter her clothing and appearance sufficiently to not activate the failsafe. Now, she sported short raven hair, was slightly shorter and was dressed in what appeared to be Juraian battle armor.

Phil had considered the potential international incident should any guard notice a Juraian tearing apart the Palace's security. And decided that she didn't particularly care. Besides, Phil noted that she had no guarantee that the Juraian Empire even existed at this point in history. She suspected that they did, but couldn't confirm it.

Phil's musings were interrupted as the humanoid robot fired a pair of missiles at her. She cupped her hands. "Ka... me... ha... me... ha!" The blue blast of energy flew out, incinerating one missile and continuing onwards to consume the droid. Phil backhanded the second warhead, sending it flying into a nearby wall. It exploded in a fireball that shook the building. "Heh. Good thing I dismissed the servants, eh roomie?"

Io looked in horror at the destruction that was once again spreading across her home. "Please stop! Have some decency, for God's sakes!"

"I think not. When the Imperium falls in a few years, none of this will survive anyways."

"Will you stop talking about that!? You haven't proven that's going to happen yet?"

Phil smirked. "Io, you can read my memories as well as I can read yours. You know what I know, and we both know that your little Moon Kingdom is as transitory as anything else." Io had no response. Phil looked about. "What? No more targets? Darn!"

She was thrown back as a round from an autocannon caught her across the face. "Owch! My nobe!" She gingerly touched it, and recoiled quickly as pain spread across the appendage. "Aw crab! I'm nob ad invulnerable as I thoubt. Stubib machine!" She zipped in at high speeds, and then chopped the android in half. "There. All bedder."

Io shook her head. "Are you quite finished yet?"

Phil snorted in some of the blood, and deactivated the magical disguise. "Yes." She punched a wall, causing it to collapse. "Ah. Nothing like a little exercise to clear the mind. I feel a lot better."

Io was almost crying. Almost, because she was becoming more used to Phil's complete disregard for property.

* *

Meanwhile, in a dark palace in an undisclosed location...

Queen Beryl was happy.

Well, perhaps not happy, per se. You see, when one sells one's soul to an all powerful entity like Metallia, one looses the ability to be happy. One can reach a state of pure, sadistic pleasure, but that's as good as it gets.

So, Queen Beryl was pleased with how events were shaping up. Which was better than the thoroughly depressed state that she had been in since striking her deal with the aforementioned entity. For one thing, Metallia had just given her the authority to call herself "Queen." Also, her evil scheme was coming together. "At last. I shall be united with my true love!" She was referring, of course, to Prince Endimyon, AKA Tuxedo Mask.

That's right; Beryl's betrayal, which would cause the collapse of the Silver Imperium, was brought about because she felt unrequited love towards Tux-Boy. You've heard of Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships? Here is Prince Endimyon of Earth, the idiot that caused the collapse of an entire civilization. This kind of blows Helen out of the water.

But anyways, Beryl's Youma Generals were preparing to strike. (Author's note: At this point, Nephrite, Kunzite, Zoicite and Jadeite hadn't been turned to the dark side yet, so she had to have had other underlings before they were converted).

She waved her hand, causing a crystal to become translucent. Inside was the image of a man. Although his image was about three inches tall, the man was really a giant of about seven feet tall. The man was the picture of savagery; across his back lay a gigantic broadsword that was nearly as tall as he was. A normal man couldn't have budged the blade, but Metallia had assured her that his physical strength was greater than any to be found in the Solar System. His long, red hair ran in untamed streams along his back and chest. He was currently in a kneeling position. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

"Rise, Morgen." He did so. "How goes your invasion?"

"Your Majesty, we are in position to begin our assault. The plan is to strike simultaneously at several minor moons. Specifically Galileo, Io and Europa. These worlds are an important link in the Moon Kingdom's communications and transportation lines. If we can take them, we'll cripple their abilities to communicate between worlds, and, as the Outer Senshi lack any transports, they will be unable to move in to support their comrades. In fact, they won't even know that anything is awry until it is too late to act. Heute and Gestern will then initiate a campaign against Mercury, with the objective being to sabotage and disrupt the actions of the shipyards there, and Venus, in order to keep the large contingent of conventional troops stationed there occupied. Once these planets fall, we can follow up with a blitzkrieg against the Imperial Palace itself."

Beryl nodded. "A sound plan." That was true; these youma were the cream of Metallia's crop; as opposed to the large number of mindless minions that would actually assault the planets, Morgen, Gestern and Heute were each capable of independent thought and were decent tacticians. Although personally, Beryl thought that the plan lacked a certain... pizzazz. However, Metallia seemed to have confidence in her subordinates, which was good enough for Beryl. "Begin the invasion."

"Yes, My Queen." The image faded.

Beryl began cackling loudly. After several moments, she began coughing and finally stopped. "Ahem. I suppose I need to practice my maniacal laughter."

Ah, the burdens of the Super Villain.

* *

Phil was currently lying down on a lawn chair. In her right hand was a book, and in the other was the Ioan equivalent of lemonade. Io loved the stuff, but Phil thought that it tasted too much like grapefruit, so she was sure to mentally distance herself from their sense of taste.

Phil read out loud. "And the fuzzy pink bunnies lived happily ever after. I thought you said that this was a HORROR story."

Io responded, "It is! I mean, when the evil Gray Fox of Evil attacks the fuzzy pink bunnies..."

Phil tossed the novel into the air and vaporized it with an energy blast. "Pheh. What do I expect from a society like the Moon Kingdom? I mean, sure, it isn't as bad as Crystal Tokyo, where all independent thought is eliminated, but the average person has had their violent tendencies significantly curtailed. What I need is some ACTION!" There was an ominous peal of thunder in the distance, despite the fact that it was a bright, sunny day. Phil's eyes widened, and she slapped her hand over her mouth. "D'oh! Why do I always have to leave Bobcat an opening? Why?"

(Because this fic would be as boring as "The Cuddly Wuddly Bunnies go to Mars" if you didn't.)

Phil nodded. "Point taken." That was when Phil saw them. From the heavens came massive spaceships, each about three hundred meters in length. They where in a tubular shape, with three maneuvering vanes on what looked to be the left and right of the craft. Phil began counting, and came up with around forty. Phil tensed. "Crap! This must be Beryl's invasion force!"

"Beryl's what?"

"Io, Queen Beryl is making her grab for power! We need to get out of here!" Phil powered up and they quickly flew away from the invasion force. Only to find that there were similar craft landing around the palace. Phil had never realized just how large the attack force was. "Hey, it's almost as if they have an actual battle plan! OK, gotta think. Gotta think!" Suddenly, the craft began disgorging troops. Taking out a pair of binoculars, Phil saw the invaders and almost laughed. Each was vaguely female, but were oddly... off. They almost looked human, but there was something just ever so slightly wrong about them.

"Youma. Basic youma! We just might have a chance, Io!" Phil grinned evilly. "Each one of those things is about as dangerous as an alligator, and about as half as smart. For an unarmed person, sure, they're death incarnate." The shimmering aura of the Mystical Powerup surrounded them. "For someone who is capable of destroying planets... well, they're just minor irritations."

* *

In orbit above Io

Flagship Vanquisher

Youma General Morgen didn't care much for his Flagship. Primarily, because only two things separated it from the standard landing craft; the addition of some technology smuggled in from the Galactic Republic, and Morgen had purposely commandeered the best officers, gunners and technicians to operate his ship.

The former gave him a minimal edge over the basic landing craft. The Vanquisher mounted a single turbolaser, and a pair of turreted blaster cannons. The particle shield generator that the ship mounted gave it a slightly better than average chance of surviving a hit from the basic armaments of the Imperium's Battle cruisers. However, this was the best that Beryl's army could get, and he had jumped at the opportunity.

As for the crew, the best of the best of Beryl's military weren't terribly impressive. In fact, all that he had really managed to do was to ensure that none of his half-witted youma brethren were in charge of anything more important than janitorial duties. He sighed. He sometimes wondered why the Queen and his true master, Metallia, even bothered with the semi-human creatures.

However, at the moment, he had other things to worry about. General Morgen considered the battle transpiring on the surface. He grinned arrogantly. "These Imperial fools. This planet is virtually unguarded! We haven't even encountered the security droids my reports mentioned!" He pressed a few buttons on his display, zooming in on a few important areas. A few ground troops had managed to respond in time to get into fortified positions. Morgen ordered the youma away from those areas. He grinned as infantry and a few battered combat vehicles left their defensive positions. "This is incredible! Those tanks look as if they are coated more in rust than steel! All of the vehicles and weapons are ancient and outdated, the troops are listed as being of green experience and they have no artillery support. AND they've left their trenches to engage an enemy superior in numbers and experience in a head on conflict!" The Youma General chuckled. "It's like they want Beryl to win!"

One of the bridge crew rushed up to him. Unlike the ground troops, the pilots of the ships were humans who had decided to throw in with Beryl. He saluted. "Sir, you should see this! We've picked up a massive Chi spike at coordinates beta sigma three niner."

The Youma looked at the readout. His eyes practically bulged out of their sockets. "This... this must be incorrect! None of the Senshi are this strong!"

"Sir, perhaps they've hired mercenaries from beyond the Solar System? I've heard rumors of races like the Saiyans with beings of this power level."

Morgen snorted disdainfully. "Not likely. The Imperium is hardly able to communicate with other solar systems, much less negotiate contracts with them. No, I'd say that this is some unknown factor." He weighed his options, and decided upon a course of action. "Order battle group Alpha to engage the energy source. Gather whatever data you can about this threat. Ready my transport. I think that I'll be dealing with the situation... personally."

The deck officer gulped nervously as he saw the General's savage grin.

* *

Phil was tearing through the youma army with ease. In fact, at the moment, she had taken one of the creatures, which was shaped like a beach ball, and had begun singing a merry tune while bouncing it. In fact, Phil was bouncing it into the other youma, knocking several of them down and shattering the more brittle demons. Many begged for mercy with their limited vocabulary, and others simply screamed in pain.

All the while, Phil sang,

"Oh, This is the way we bounce the ball,

bounce the ball,

bounce the ball.

This is the way we bounce the ball,

so early in the morning!"

Io was once again convinced that, in her next life, she was completely and utterly insane.

Phil, growing bored with the ball-youma, vaporized it with a Dragon Blast. Although the attack was incredibly weak, since it was designed for show, the youma was instantly disintegrated. Phil snorted. "I want a challenge! This is way too easy. I wish that there was something closer to my level!"

A deep, masculine voice whispered in her ear, "Be careful what you wish for."

"D'oh!" Phil slowly turned about and Io nearly swooned. There before her was a man with good looks and a musculature to surpass that of various bodybuilders. Phil groaned. "Focus, Io. He's obviously a Youma." Phil summoned a Chi bolt. She grinned arrogantly. "I'll bet you squish as easy as the rest of them."

He grinned. It was the same egotistical grin that was plastered upon her own face. "Want to bet?" The ball of yellow energy flew out. At the last moment, with a speed that Phil could barely track, the large broadsword lashed out, deflecting the Chi ball into a nearby contingent of youma. He ignored their screams as he focused his attention back on his opponent. He furrowed his brow for a moment. "My, you are a strong one, aren't you? No match for me, but, what can you expect?"

Phil was making a similar scan of her adversary. "What are you? You're a manna based being, yet you have great speed and strength... way beyond any human of your level."

"Where are my manners? I am Morgen, commanding General of the armies of Queen Beryl."

"Hmmm. I don't remember you. I guess that means that your fate is painfully obvious."

He ignored that seemingly nonsensical phrase. "It is almost a shame to destroy something of such great beauty, but alas, I do it for the Queen. Unless, of course, you feel like joining us?

"

"Fat chance. I prefer the winning side." She silently added, "Yeah, my side!"

He assumed a fighting stance, brandishing the sword. "Then you shall die." He struck out with a right kick, catching Phil across the face. The Physics Police officer flew several feet backwards. "And now to finish you!" Morgen leapt into the air towards Phil. He lashed out, intending to decapitate the Sailor Senshi where she stood.

Casually, Phil caught the blade between her fingers. "What? How is this possible?"

She grinned. "You see, Morgen, the Mystical Powerup gives me greater strength than you, greater magic potential than you and I'm smarter than you to start with. You caught me by surprise before. I'd been conserving my energy to deal with your little Youma army. Quite pathetic, actually."

"Bu-but nothing can survive this blade! Its magical properties..."

"Are nothing compared to my Chi powers. Now you die." Lifting him by the collar, Phil summoned a yellow ball of energy. "Pull!" As Phil threw Morgen into the air, she fired a powerful Chi blast. "Mouko Takabishi*!" Powered by Phil's ego, the Chi bolt reduced the Youma General to his component atoms. She casually blew a puff of smoke from her fingers.

All around her, the Youma began to scream in pain. Several collapsed to the ground, and they were converted into piles of dust. "Hmm. Looks like they can't survive without their General. Cool. I just saved Io, and quite possibly, the Moon Kingdom itself." Phil's eyes widened as he realized what she had just said. "D'oh! I wasn't SUPPOSED to save the Moon Kingdom! I've just thrown the time stream way out of whack!"

* *

Once again, on Pluto, Sailor Pluto was forced to deal with random shifts in the timeline. However, this time, she was pleasantly surprised. "So, perhaps the Moon Kingdom doesn't fall?" She said it so desperately, hoping against all hope that she was right.

Sailor Pluto is really somebody you have to sympathize with. Nobody is allowed near the Time Gates that she is sworn to protect. She isn't allowed to contact anybody on the outside world, lest she cause massive ruptures in the timeline with a casual phrase. She can see the future, past and present with equal clarity. So, she obviously foresaw the fall of the Silver Imperium. She could see when it would happen, who would do it, why they would do it and how they would do it. Yet, she couldn't communicate, so she had to shoulder the burden of her knowledge.

Now, with this change, she hoped that it would have sufficient effect to alter that outcome. She checked the other Youma armies. Specifically, the army under the control of General Gestern. And she saw it being ripped apart in the midst of a gigantic hurricane.

Pluto blinked. "This is odd. Galileo is known for its mild weather patterns, thanks to the devices they Galileans had designed for controlling weather. What could be causing this?"

* *

Meanwhile, on Galileo:

"Tag, you idiot! First you manage to get us banned from planet Vegeta for our failure..."**

"Hey, it isn't my fault your story didn't work!"

Bink continued his diatribe. "But now look what you've done! Queen Beryl hired us to take this Weather Control Station, and we did. But you just had to mess it up! I specifically said to you `Don't touch that button!' `You don't know what that button does,' I said. But noooooooo. You just HAD to press that button!"

"Look, I'm really sorry! How was I supposed to know that it was the hurricane button?"

"Tell that to Beryl! She's going to have our heads!"

"Well, we still got half of our fee up front. We could just get out of this cesspool that they claim is a solar system." He held up a fairly thick stack of bills.

"Lemme see that... you idiot! This is Lunarian money!"

"So?"

"It's worthless outside of this system!"

"Well, Bink, we can always go exchange it for some real currency."

"And where exactly do you plan to do that?"

Tag considered. "Well, offhand, I'd say we could give that bank across the street a try." On the other side of the street was, as Tag indicated, a building with the sign "First Galilean Bank."

Bink sweatdropped. "OK."

* *

"Excuse me? You want to what?" The bank teller was decidedly nervous. For one thing, it was his first day on the job. For another, his planet had been invaded by evil youma and there was a massive hurricane raging a few miles away. Then, these Saiyan warriors, dressed in full battle garb, had come in with a stack of bills.

Bink was somewhat peeved. He repeated himself. "I said, I would like to exchange this useless scrap you call money for some Galactic Republic Credits."

"Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have any of that money."

"Well, what do you have?"

"Well, er, we have Martian currency, Jupiterian currency..."

Bink slammed his fist into the table, shattering it into a thousand pieces. "I don't want any of your local crap!"

"Um, er... I could give it to you in Juraian."

"Fine! We'll take it!"

A moment later, Tag and Bink were discussing their situation. "Damn it all! This isn't enough to get us off planet, even if any of the space liner companies even CAME to this pathetic excuse for the boondocks!"

Tag nodded. "Yeah, and we don't have our pods; we came in those transports." Neither Saiyan noticed that their actions were being observed. A man wearing granny style glasses was listening to them. "So here we are, a pair of Saiyan mercenaries, stranded in the middle of NOWHERE, no money, banished from our home world, with no prospects for gainful employment!"

The man stood up. He walked over to the ranting aliens and tapped one on the shoulder. "I believe I may be able to help you. I need a couple of strong fighters to assist me with a little... project I've been working on."

Bink regarded the stranger suspiciously. "Who are you?"

He grinned. "The name is Kagato."

End Part 35

Author's note: for those wondering, this is the Tenchi Muyo, or OAV, version Kagato. Since both Tenchi Muyo and Tenchi Universe were part of the construction of FC-1, there are now two Kagatos running around.

*Mouko Takabishi: it works on the same principle as the Shi Shi Houkou Dan, except instead of using rage and self pity, it uses self confidence. The only problem with it is that if you're losing, your self confidence goes down, so you lose the ability to summon it. Obviously, Phil doesn't feel up to this attack very often.

** You'll notice, that at the end of part 33, I said that Baron Kura didn't kill them, and that they fought in many more battles. However, I never said that they fought FOR Kura. You probably just assumed that.

Morgen: German for tomorrow.

Gestern: German for yesterday.

Heute: German for today.