Part 37

Heeere's Kagato!

By BobCat

Disclaimer: I didn't invent DBZ, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon or Ranma ½.

Also, from this point onward, all sentences in parentheses will be direct author's notes or commentary.

(Hey everyone; the no prize for the origin of Tag and Bink is still unclaimed! Here is a hint; it was a Sci-fi comic book series. Name the name of the comic book series, or the name of the universe they came from.)

Universe FC-1

Inbound for Earth, Sol System

Aboard the late Queen Serenity's Space Yacht

8,000 B.C.

Phil was happy.

A casual observer would think that this was very odd. After all, looking at her recent actions, one would think that she should be at least SLIGHTLY repentant.

First, she had destroyed Planet X, and its 50 million inhabitants.

Admittedly, Phil felt sort of bad about that. However, she acknowledged that Planet X wasn't supposed to exist in the future, so all that she had done was to ensure the timeline. Also, it was all Tag's fault. If he hadn't somehow deflected a massive Chi blast that should have vaporized him on the spot, the planet would still be intact.

However, this paled in comparison to the destruction of the Moon Kingdom.

Phil didn't feel the slightest bit bad about that. For one thing, it was Serenity's fault. After all, SHE was the one who had decided to get all imperial and remove the free thought of her citizens. It was her duty as a decent human being, to stop that.

The fact that she got to beat up the Sailor Senshi in the process was just doing her duty. Besides, as a Physics Police Officer, she was guaranteed the right to free speech, at least by the Physics Police Code of Laws. She had been fully within her rights when she had demanded Serenity undo what she had done. It was the Senshi who were breaking the law by assaulting an officer of the Physics Police. She obviously got no enjoyment from the process.

(Uh huh. And the pigs will spontaneously generate wings and migrate to Canada.)

On some level, Phil realized that if she had simply wished for an undo of what Serenity had done, none of this would have happened. However, it was Serenity who had barged in without checking to see what Phil had done and asked for an undo.

And besides, the Moon Kingdom was supposed to collapse. So, in other words, everything was as it was supposed to be.

Not that Phil particularly mourned its passing.

Io, in the back of Phil's mind was regaining consciousness. "Ouch. What a headache. Where are we?"

Phil nonchalantly said, "Oh, we're flying in the Queen's Yacht towards Earth."

"Oh that's nice." (Io was still kind of out of it. Phil had done a very thorough job of knocking her out.) "What happened while I was out?"

"Oh, nothing important. The Moon Kingdom is gone, we have the Silver Imperium Crystal, and we're probably going to crash at very high velocity."

"Oh. That's all." Suddenly the phrase, "The Moon Kingdom is gone," penetrated her mental fog. Briefly taking control of her body, Io performed a double take that would have left Tex Avery green with envy. "The WHAT is gone!?"

Phil sighed. "Well, you see, that's what happens when the Queen is a moron. If you want to find out exactly what happened, scan my memories. I wouldn't suggest it, though; you might not like the consequences."

"O...K. Well, then why do we have the Crystal?"

"Again, the facts may not be to your liking. Suffice to say, we are now in possession of the single greatest power in this part of the galaxy."

"So we can bring them back!"

"Not quite."

"Why the hell not!?"

Phil talked to her in the manner that one would talk to a difficult toddler. "Well, you see, the changes that the Crystal makes require energy. And where, you might enquire, does this energy come from? The user. It is vampiric in nature. The bigger the change, the more energy required. Heck, that wish to put everything right that I made all but wiped out our manna reserves! If I were to attempt something as big as bringing back billions of lives, rebuilding entire ecosystems and reestablishing terraforming on not one, but forty planets and moons, it would suck us dry, and it still wouldn't be enough. I'm sorry, but the Moon Kingdom is dead for another ten thousand years."

Io nodded their head. It made sense, in a way. Then she remembered something. "What's that about us crashing?"

Phil had a very sheepish expression on her face. "Well, you see, I chose this ship because it looked like it was top of the line. However, something this big and complicated requires a large crew. Taking off isn't terribly hard. Landing is going to be rather difficult, considering that we need a) a person to pilot the ship, b) a copilot and c) a sensor operator. We are two untrained individuals in one body. We don't qualify. Also, this thing doesn't have an autopilot. So, I've hit the repulsorlifts, angled up our nose, put the ion engines in reverse, powered us up and started praying like mad. It's out of our hands."

Io started sweating. "And how long 'till we land?"

Phil was going to say, "Any second now," but her prediction proved to be quite accurate.

With an audible crunch, followed by the screech of protesting metal. Phil was thrown against the restraining harness and felt pain as her teeth ground against each other. The lighting systems cut out for a few moments, then returned with a red gleam as the emergency lights came back to life.

Io's headache intensified and Phil felt as if her head was attempting mitosis.* Phil attempted to remain conscious, but, with the pain in her head, decided that oblivion wouldn't be such a bad thing.

* * *

In orbit above the Moon:

Jadeite's eyes widened. Formerly a general in the Moon Kingdom's armies, he had recently been turned by Queen Beryl to fill the role formerly occupied by the Youma Generals. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

According to his sensors, the Imperial Palace had been replaced by ruins. He had been instructed to lead a surprise attack against the partying Moon Kingdom. In the back of his mind, his true self was attempting to fight this demon that inhabited his form. After all, he didn't particularly relish the idea of destroying his former allies.

Jadeite had to grin at this. The poor fool didn't even realize that a demon wasn't possessing him. Beryl had simply unlocked his darker tendencies, which had taken on a life of its own.

However, he went back to his musings. On the one hand, he wondered who had come in and done the job for him. On the other, he realized that it really didn't matter. After all, he had roughly a third of the forces that he felt necessary to accomplish the job, so this was a godsend. All he had to do was to take the credit.

He chuckled. Yes, he would tell of the glorious battle, how he and his army had destroyed the Senshi one by one, and then finished with their Queen. The Silver Imperium Crystal wasn't to be found (after all, he would need to explain why he hadn't brought it back), and was presumably destroyed or very well hidden.

He grinned. "Yes. That shall do nicely." He then began cackling in what was known as "Standard Evil Villain Laugh Number Four."

(Is it just my imagination, or do all of Phil's actions necessitate the bad guys lying to their bosses?)

* * *

For several minutes, Phil knew two things; pain and darkness.

The former could be ignored. After all, the intense training that Phil had put herself through over her lifetime was enough that being able to block pain was a necessity.

The latter could be solved through the proper application of eyelids.

Opening her eyes, Phil looked at the area around her, and cursed. "Damn. It wasn't a nightmare." Realizing this, Phil decided to lapse back into unconsciousness in the hope that when she reawakened it would turn out everything was OK.

A few hours later, she found out that it didn't work.

Phil took stock of her situation. Patting herself down quickly, she determined that all major limbs were present and accounted for. There was a diagonal depression going from her left hip to her right shoulder where the restraining harness had bit into her skin. Rubbing her hand against her mouth, she came back with a small amount of blood, and she felt like she had bit her tongue. Her teeth ached, but she figured that would pass in time.

A few moments later, Phil was outside. Io was attempting to avoid a nervous breakdown. Phil exhaled deeply, calming them both. "OK. I need a plan. Randomly running around won't do me any good. First priority is to make sure that the timeline is maintained." Pulling out the Crystal, she made her wish. "OK, I wish that all of the Sailor Senshi and any other people that Serenity would have preserved be reincarnated in about ten thousand years."

The Crystal responded, "Wish Granted."

Now for the tricky part. "I wish that the forces of the Dark Kingdom be sealed away for the same amount of time."

"Wish Granted."

Phil nodded. "Now, for my final task, I wish that you would separate yourself into eight fragments. Each fragment will be incorporated into a human host in ten thousand years."

"Wish Granted." With that, the Crystal broke into eight parts. Each one was a different color of the rainbow. After floating there for a moment, they levitated into the air and flew out in different dimensions. Phil noted that their pattern of movement was very similar to that of the Dragon Balls.

Phil nodded. "There. Done and done. I've saved the space time continuum. Again. Now, a little nap would... be... nice..." In a rather undignified fashion, she slumped to the ground and fell asleep. After all, the Crystal took energy, and what she had asked for required large amounts of it.

* * *

Three Days Later:

Throughout the mountain valley, a cheerful melody filled the air.

"I love to go,

a wandering,

across the mountain trail,

and as I go,

I laugh and sing,

a knapsack on my back.

Valderee,

Valderah,

Valderee,

Valderah ha ha ha ha ha *oof!*" Phil punched herself in the stomach to silence her roommate.

Phil groaned. "For the last time, stop singing that damn song!"

Io protested. "Hey! That's a nice, cheerful song!"

"Exactly." Phil was in a foul mood. Being stranded in the past, in the body of the Sailor Senshi, stuck being schizophrenic with a personality that couldn't carry a tune in a bucket made Phil crabby.

Also, she had realized that she had thrown away her one ticket home. The Crystal could have opened up a wormhole to the future, or at least separated Phil from his alter ego. All in all, she had goofed it.

After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Io said, "So where are we going? And if we can fly, why aren't we?"

Phil sighed. "Well, I'm stuck on prehistoric Earth, with no clue where I am. So I DON'T know where we're going. As for your second question, if I have no clue where I'm going, why would I be in a hurry to get there?"

As Phil continued hiking, she failed notice a pair of Saiyans on a lunch break. They were, in fact, Tag and Bink. The olive skinned Bink was using a small amount of energy to cook a primitive horse rotisserie style, while Tag was catnapping, using a boulder as a pillow.

Bink was fuming. This job with Kagato had at first appeared to be a great deal, with plenty of opportunity for plunder and pillage. Even on Planet Vegeta, tales of the Class 2 criminal Kagato had made the rounds. In fact, rumor had it that he was receiving funding from Lady Kalt herself, in order to destabilize the Juraian Empire. Not because Kalt had any particular grudge against those tree hugging wimps, but because as a mercenary, chaos equals business. Bink reflected that it was probably just a baseless rumor, but it was possible.

However, neither Tag nor Bink had expected to be hired as menial laborers.

Apparently, according to Kagato's brief explanation, he was working on a project and needed brute force and the occasional job. Of course, clearing out the locals had taken less than an hour; the newly humbled cavemen had scattered all too easily.

Before taking this lunch break, Tag and Bink had been setting up signs around the site. Each read in Juraian, Lunarian and the Saiyan Script. This meant that any sentient being likely to be visiting the Sol System would probably be able to read the signs. The signs read: "Warning. Stay Away From the Springs. Scientific Experiment in Progress. Don't Drink the Water."

Bink didn't particularly care about the meaning, although he was curious about why Kagato would be working with springs. He and Tag had dug several hundred short holes and filled them with water, and then placed several bamboo poles in each spring.

Kagato, apparently inspired by the origins of his hired help, had given the place the name "Jusenkyo." Bink didn't understand why the renegade scientist had decided to name it the Saiyan word for "Fecal Matter**," but the Saiyan pitied any primitive who happened along the place.

All but one path to Jusenkyo had a sign warning away trespassers.

Coincidently, it was that path that a certain time traveling Physics Policeman had taken.

As the sound of sizzling flesh reached his ears, Bink jabbed his partner with a stick. "Hey Tag, food's done."

* * *

Elsewhere:

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"For the last time Io, NO! Even if we did have a destination, this wouldn't be it!"

"Where are we, then?"

"How should I know? I mean, I've never... been...here... before." Phil realized that she wasn't entirely accurate. She had been to this place before during a very unpleasant time of her life. Specifically, the battle with Cell. "Jusenkyo? What the heck am I doing at Jusenkyo?"

Phil practically jumped out of her skin as an oddly familiar voice addressed her. "Why, hello there. A Sailor Senshi? That's odd, considering the my sensors failed to register any trace of the Moon Kingdom. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; this would have been much more difficult to maintain had those Silver Imperium busybodies were about."

Phil turned about and instinctively powered up. "Kagato? What the hell are you doin' at Jusenkyo?"

Kagato shook his head. "Tsk tsk. Such coarse language, my dear. I thought that you Senshi had better manners than that. All that nonsense about being "Miniskirt Wearing Warriors of Love and Justice." Then Kagato registered what she had said. "How did you know the name for this place? And for that matter, how did you get here? I purposely designed this site to be virtually undetectable."

Io took over. "Jusenkyo? What is this place?"

Kagato smirked in a very arrogant fashion. "My, for somebody who knows that which is hidden, you obviously are rather clueless. You see, I designed this place simply to irritate and bring misery to the beings of this planet."

Phil wrenched control from Io. "What? How did you access the dark magic necessary to create this place?"

"Dark Magic?" After a few moments, Kagato began laughing. It was, however, without any humor. "My, you Senshi are even stupider than I thought!"

Kagato coughed into his hand, attempting to regain some of his dignity. "Ahem. Now, my dear, this place is a nexus for various energies. Perhaps this "Dark Magic" you speak of is one of them, but I am not able to detect it or use it. I choose this site because it is close to various human settlements, such as they are, yet is isolated enough to become little more than a local myth. After all, random chance is necessary to inflict the most suffering. Keeping this place hidden stops it from becoming a potential source of profit to any shrewd humans. However, I doubt that any human with that kind of thinking ability will arise for another thousand years, at least."

"You see, it requires very advanced sensors to see this place for what it truly is. Anything less than a molecule by molecule scan of this water will indicate nothing more than pure water. If you were to take a very close look, one would find very tiny bacteria of my own design." He cupped some of the water in his gloved hands. "You see, in their basic state, they remain completely and utterly dormant; they neither attempt to reproduce, nor do they mutate. However, if one places an organism in the spring, several will enter it and begin replicating at a very fast clip by utilizing the bodies' cells."

"Of course, the immune system of most organisms will deal with the threat of the basic bacteria. A few species would encounter various symptoms, but they would recover quickly. However, should the victim die in the pool, a new reaction takes place; all of the bacteria in the pool swarm into the organism and absorb its DNA. Thus, the pool goes from dormant to active."

Calmly walking over to a pair of cages, Kagato reached in and grabbed a small rabbit. "Now, you see, in an active pool, should an organism fall in, a similar reaction occurs as in a dormant pool, with one very large difference. As opposed to an easily defeated bacterial infection, the active bacteria swarm throughout the body. Almost instantaneously, they swap the DNA found in each and every one of the host's cells with whatever they carry. You see, once they have copied the body's DNA, the immune system makes no attempt to fight the bacteria, much like your body doesn't normally fight your stomach or heart."

"The virus has no effect upon brain cells, however; after all, to reformat the brain could simply erase the being, and I couldn't have that. After all, how would they suffer without knowing what they had lost?"

Kagato tossed the rabbit into the pool. The terrified creature attempted to alter its course, but, in the end, it's fate was sealed. It landed in the spring. A moment later, a very startled bird ran out. Going from quadruped to biped, however, was not an easy experience, and the neo- bird tripped and fell on its face.

Kagato grinned, watching the former rabbit struggle to keep its footing. "As you can see, it is quite difficult for non-sentient creatures to survive for long. Now, of course, theorizing that humans would survive long enough to develop advanced language, I added a reversal mechanism. After all, staying in one form, most sentients would eventually adapt. However, constant flip flopping between forms would be a most aggravating experience, to say the least."

"The bacteria become active when exposed to different extremes of temperature. If the host is exposed to water below their optimum body temperature, their DNA is switched with whatever drowned there. If they come into contact with water that is at or above their normal body temperature, they receive their original forms. Of course, on a primitive planet such as this, hot water will be hard to come by, but hopefully the humans will develop that technology soon enough." He saw the glazed over expression on Phil's face. Interpreting the look of shock as one of boredom, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. I always aspired to be a professor, and I suppose I went into teaching mode."

Phil scratched her head. "And what was the point of all this?"

Kagato smirked. "You see, I made a little wager with one of my colleagues to see who could inflict the greatest evil upon the universe in a ten-thousand year period."

Phil started powering up. "And what makes you think that I'm not going to go tell the universe at large to stay the hell away from this place?"

"Well, my dear, I honestly don't expect you to live long enough for that."

It suddenly occurred to Phil just how thoroughly outclassed she was. She realized how uneven the fight was, given that Kagato was at least twenty times stronger than she was. Phil realized that retreat was the only sane option. Using her powers of flight, Phil took off in the exact opposite direction.

And ran head on into Tag and Bink.

Neither Saiyan wasted any time. Tag's left hook took her in the face and sent her flying back towards their boss. The schizophrenic Senshi got back on her feet and tried to figure out what had hit her.

Tag pointed at her. "Hey Bink! It's that Senshi who beat us up back on Planet X!"

Bink squinted. "Hey, you're right!" He cracked his knuckles. "Let's teach her a lesson."

Kagato shook his head. "No. You two may keep her from retreating, but otherwise, this is my fight. It's been far too long since I've known battle." Kagato made a fist, and from his hand issued a green energy blade. "Come, my dear. I'm sure that you will make a very lovely spring."

Phil glowered. "I've just got one chance. I don't know if Io's body can take this kind of strain, but I have no choice. Improved Kaio-Ken time six!" A dull red glow surrounded Phil, who faded out of existence...

Only to be kneed square in the gut by Kagato.

The wind left her lungs, and she went limp. Kagato shook his head. "Tsk tsk. I had hoped for a bit more sport. Then again, I suppose that I am as far beyond you as you are beyond those humans, so you fought as well as you were able. Very well." He teleported down to one of the springs. Grabbing Phil by her long, blue hair, he forced her head beneath the waves. "If you cannot sate my desire for combat, then you shall help quench my thirst for knowledge!"

Sputtering, Phil managed to get above the waves one final time. "I'll get you for this, Kagato!"

Getting the blue haired girl's head beneath the water once again, Kagato smirked. "Not in this lifetime."

Neither knew that they were both right.

As Io's body floated in the spring, Kagato grinned. Taking out a small palm-pilot, he made an entry. "Alright then. Spring of Drowned Girl is at coordinates A-4 B-7."

The rogue scientist turned about as he heard the sound of a tent unzipping. He turned to face his redheaded companion. He frowned. Considering how good looking and practical her adult form was, he wondered why she insisted on being a child most of the time. Kagato shrugged. Even he, one of the greatest scientific minds in the universe, couldn't understand women.

Washuu yawned. "What the heck do you think you're doing, making that kind of noise at..." she checked her watch, "9:30? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!"

Kagato fought the temptation to make a snide remark about that particular subject, but he didn't want to risk angering her. The last time he had done something like that, she'd modified his DNA so that his hair was that ugly shade of green! He smiled. "I was just adding a new pool to the fold." He motioned towards Io's lifeless husk. "I managed to get a Sailor Senshi this time.

Washuu angrily placed her hands on her hips. "Kagato! That was mean, cruel evil, and you promised you'd wait for me next time! I enjoy a little fun to!"

He sighed. "Yes, Washuu. I promise that next time I'll let YOU be the one to drown the innocent bystander."

"Apology accepted. So, what's on the agenda for today?"

"I was thinking about adding a very odd Earth creature I spied today." From a small device on his wrist eminated a hologram of a Saber Toothed Tiger. "What do you think?"

Washuu nodded. "Yes, I just love the build on these Earth felines. Y'know, I've had some ideas above combining their DNA with those of that odd creature with the big ears... that watchacalit, Rabbit!"

"So, a part cat, part rabbit? A "Cabbit" if you will? Intriguing."

(Let us leave before Green Peace sues me for depicting cruelty to animals.)

End Part 37

* When cells split to form new cells.

**It loses something in the translation, doesn't it?

Author's Note: I'm very curious about something; who has added me to their favorites list? According to FF.NET, I have six fans, but I can only find three. So, I'd appreciate some feedback/info from my fans. Thanks!