Part 38
Welcome to Valhalla.
Population: Phil.
By BobCat
Disclaimer: As tends to be the nature of fanfiction, I don't own much of this. DBZ is the property of Akira Toriama, while Sailor Moon was invented by somebody who found themselves a steady supply of LSD. Ranma ½ was created by a Japanese woman whose name I don't feel like looking up right now. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is owned by some British Guy. The Legend of Arthur Pendragon has had far too many authors over the centuries to mention, although he was first mentioned in a history of the British Isles written in 490 A.D. (Although he wasn't referred to as Arthur, simply as a great King who attempted to unite the Celts to fight the invading Saxons.). Norse Mythology, or at least what we know of it, was written by a scribe named Snorri Sturuson (I am NOT making that name up) in 1220. Star Wars is owned by George Lucas. Also, I don't own Braveheart. However, Shamus McJagger of the Highlands is MY twisted creation.
Author's Note: OK, don't feel discouraged if you don't know the answer to my question regarding Tag and Bink. As promised, the solution will be given next chapter.
Given the general lack of response for this current No-Prize opportunity, (thank you for your diligence, Elvin Flame), I do hereby give a new, open-ended requirement for the No-Prize. This will last from now until the end of the fic. Your objective is to a) point out a flaw or inconsistency in my fic, and then b) come up with a good (if farfetched) explanation for it, beyond, "The Author didn't know better." [Hey! This is THE EDITOR speaking! That's my job!]
Those who can provide a good review of this variety will receive a No-Prize, and maybe a screen credit.
Also, after several chapters of action/adventure, I would like to announce the triumphant return of comedy!
* * *
Quote of the Day: "There are times... when knowing when to return a weapon to its scabbard is more important than knowing how to cut with it. Anyone can cut and kill, but knowing when cutting and killing is not necessary, that is a milestone on the path to true wisdom." Theodore Kurita. (Author's Note: This is the actual quote that Phil was alluding to back in part 31.)
* * *
Phil felt a strong hand gripping her neck, forcing her beneath the surface of one of the Jusenkyo Springs. Kagato, famed scientist and infamous criminal, was the owner of said strong hand. Despite her struggles, she was easily overpowered by Kagato. A surge of panic swept through Phil's body as she realized that she could feel water flowing into her lungs. After several moments, oblivion claimed her.
Suddenly, Phil was aware of three things; an all encompassing darkness, a bright light and the fact that she was now a he. He glanced about, attempting to figure out where he was. "Hello?" Phil had expected an echo; instead, he received complete and utter silence, as the void completely and utterly swallowed his voice.
Phil took a deep breath. "OK, Phil, don't panic. Remember your training." Suddenly, a memory of his days with Happosai* returned, and he quickly wished that he HADN'T remembered his training. Shuddering, he said, "OK. Rewind." Phil took another deep breath. "OK, Phil, don't panic. DON'T remember your training. Now, the first thing to do is to figure out where you are."
Off to his right, Phil heard Io's voice. "Yeah, where are we, anyway?"
Phil spun about to face his past incarnation. He was surprised to find out that, instead of being a voice in his head, the curvy Sailor Senshi was a corporeal being. "Huh? What are you doing outside of my head?"
Io raised her eyebrow. "The better question might be, what are YOU doing outside of mine?"
Phil nodded. "Fair enough. Now, the thing to do is to figure out the last thing we can remember."
Io rolled her eyes. "Well, DUH! We were being drowned by a Juraian criminal by the name of Kagato."
Phil nodded as memories returned. "OK, so we drowned. Where are we?" And then he noticed something else. "Hey, what's with that halo above your head?"
"Isn't it obvious? We're dead. And you have one to."
Phil reached up, and indeed, there was a thin band of cold metal floating above his head with no support. "Well, I guess this makes sense, seeing as how FC-1 is a DBZ universe."
Phil snorted, surveying his surroundings. "Well, if this is the afterlife, I'm sorely disappointed. Shouldn't there be a Kai coming? Or at least a blue skinned guy with horns and a bad haircut?" Io was about to ask what he was talking about when Phil heard a noise off in the distance. "Shh! What's that?"
Io heard it to. It was a steady, "Clop clop, clop clop." After several minutes, the outline of a lone figure became visible in the blinding light. Eventually, she became fully visible.
She looked to be about six feet tall or better. Long, platinum blond hair reached down past her shoulders, reaching the middle of her back. She was dressed in a low cut leather bustier, which left very little to the imagination. Her lower half was clothed in a short skirt, although she had nothing on the Sailor Senshi. A circular, wooden shield was mounted across her back, while a broadsword and its scabbard slapped against her left thigh.
The scabbard was slapping because of the odd manner in which she was traveling. The clopping noise was a result of her slapping two halves of a coconut together, while she shuffled along in an oddly crablike gait.
Phil thought this was odd, but adapted quickly. After all, he had seen this movie at least a dozen times. His hair shifted from brown to yellow and his eyes went from green to turquoise as he activated his Super Saiyan powers. He had seen the movie before, but it was best to be on his guard.
Placing one hand before him, he commanded, "Halt! Who goes there?"
The "rider" halted, and made a big show of dismounting her invisible horse. She responded, "I am Brunhilda, Daughter of Odin, Collector of Souls, Unmatched Warrior and Leader of the Valkyries. I have ridden from the sacred halls of Asgard, in order to take you to your eternal rest in Valhalla."
"What, on a horse?"
"Yes!"
"You're using coconuts!"
"What?"
"You've got tow empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!"
She sighed. She was getting VERY tired of this. "My horse was sick today. However, I've ridden since you died, through the great void between life and death, through..."
Phil smirked. "Where did you get those coconuts?"
"I found them." Off to the side, Io was getting very confused, but decided to say nothing.
"Found them? The coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, this is a temperate zone."
Brunhilda was taken aback by this, but came up with a counter. "Well, the swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!"
"Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?"
"It could be carried."
Phil grinned. He was enjoying this. "What? A swallow carrying a coconut?"
"It could grip it by the husk."
Phil, engrossed in the conversation and struggling to keep a straight face, powered down and said, "It's not a matter of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut!"
Brunhilda unsheathed her sword and pressed it to Phil's throat. He quickly realized that this WASN'T the way that this scene was supposed to go. Angrily, the Valkyrie said, "Look, I can take you to Valhalla in one piece, or in several. Which would you prefer?"
Phil gulped. He couldn't move fast enough to power up before she slit his throat. "Um, I don't think that is in the script."
"Yes it is!"
From his back pocket, he pulled out a book. He flipped a few pages to part 38, scene two. "Weight ratios... five ounce bird... ah, here we are..." He read next scene. "Well, I'll be darned. It is in the script."
Io's eyes widened. "A script? Where did you get a script?"
Phil grinned at Io. "What, all major characters get a script! But, that's not important now." Phil raised his hand. "Um, Brunhilda, getting to Valhalla is all a matter of heading towards the light, correct?"
"Yes."
Phil's hair went yellow and he floated off of the ground. "Race ya!" Before the surprised Valkyrie could respond, Phil was already flying into the light at about the speed of sound.
She blinked. Wasn't she supposed to be the one providing transportation? She quickly decided that it didn't matter, and decided that she didn't want to be shown up by mere mortal. A moment later, Brunhilda floated up and took off after him.
And Io found herself very alone. She considered the situation, and decided to walk.
* * *
Phil sighed contentedly, chugging a golden liquid from a wooden mug. As soon as it was empty, a busty Valkyrie refilled the flagon. He again took a chug. This time, some of the mead trickled from his mouth, but he didn't care. After all, this was heaven. Or, at least, as close to it was warriors got.
Phil was still having trouble adapting to the idea that he was dead. He considered himself on a vacation. Besides, nothing could happen while he was gone.
Phil ignored the ominous thunder. He shrugged. "Eh. I guess Thor's just showing off again."
Suddenly, the man next to him stiffened. On second thought, Phil decided that he was more a boy, looking to be in his late teens. The boy muttered, "That voice... it's you!" He looked up in surprise. "Phil!"
Phil took another sip of fermented honey. "And you are?"
The boy was shocked. "You don't remember me? It's me, Mamoru!"
"Tux-Boy?" Phil realized that he didn't recognize him primarily because he was wearing fur laden clothes and a Viking style hat, complete with horns. "What're you doing here?"
Mamoru scowled. "Ug. After I died fighting Kerrigan, I ended up here. Apparently, I died a warriors death." He gestured, indicating the entire hall. "Valhalla. The final resting place for warriors. Pheh. I think I could take Hell better, if only because it was actually intended to be torture."
Phil noisily gnawed on a leg of boar. "What're you talking about? This place is great!"
"Maybe for you! Sure, YOU can act like a barbarian 24/7, but I'm not like that! I'm very sensitive and caring!"
Phil said, "Translation: you are a Pansy. What's so bad about this place anyway? I mean, free food, battle all you like, you get to meet warriors of ages past, and I understand that the Valkyries can be very 'accommodating'."
Mamoru snorted. "Uh huh. Maybe for Usagi this place would've been great. Well, at least the free food for eternity part. But I've never really been into gluttony. As far as battle, I hate fighting! I only do it because the spirit of Prince Endimyon keeps compelling me to fight for the future." He took a sip of mead, grimacing at the taste. "Fat lot of good it did me."
"As far as meeting the warriors of ages past, yeah, I considered that option. However, I quickly realized that all the "great warriors" are either exaggerated or cleaned up in modern renditions. I mean, I tried to have a civil conversation with Fin Mac Cool, the legendary Celtic hero. Well, I found out that eating the supposed "Salmon of Wisdom" didn't do much for his personality. He's either drinking, eating, fighting or getting it on with the Valkyries. Every other word out of his mouth is a pseudonym for a sexual organ of some sort. Thank the Kami that it's mostly in Welsh."
Phil snorted. "Ah, stop you're whining, Pansy?"
"And as far as that last bit, I'm still loyal to Usagi!"
Phil smirked. "Y'know, I get the impression that she's gotten over you."
"What!? But we were destined to be together!"
"Well, your death sort of put a crimp in that plan. She's probably dating Gohan by now. I've met her daughter from the future, and she isn't yours. Sorry about that. But hey, I warned you about fighting Kerrigan. But would you listen? Nope."
Mamoru sighed. He drank more mead. However, this time he chugged the entire flagon in under five seconds. "Great. My true love's forgotten me. You know what's the worst? The Eternal Dragon passed me over."
Phil blinked. "What do you mean? What was Shen Long doing here?"
Mamoru quaffed another mug of mead. "Well, see, for some reason, he started wishing people back to life, and returning them to their own place. I was talking to a Valkyrie about it, and he said that he was reanimating the superheroes and villains." He smashed his hand into the table. "But I am a superhero, damn it! I put my life on the line enough times! Damned dragon."
Phil grinned. "Y'know, being killed by a supervillain like Kerrigan doesn't make you a superhero." Phil sipped his drink again, puzzling over Shen Long's odd behavior. He dismissed it. After all, he was on vacation. The situation would last until he got back.
There was another peal of ominous thunder, and Phil wished that Thor would cut it out. He smirked at the dead "hero." "Y'know, it's like I told you; the ability to throw roses doesn't make you a superhero."
Mamoru ignored this comment. He asked a passing serving wench for more alcohol, and he got it. Still drinking heavily, he said, "So, as if all that wasn't bad enough, some Viking named Sigfried keeps taking my lunch money."
Phil considered this for a second. "Lunch money? But I thought that food was free here."
"Oh, it is. Apparently, among the Vikings and Celts who were the first people to arrive here, it was considered glorious to fight to get more booty. So, what happens is that Odin gives us an "allowance." After the daily battle, the winners go through the battlefield and claim whatever they like off of the corpses of the vanquished. Well, I've been here for two months, and every day Sigfried is the one to take me out. And I haven't even wounded one guy yet!"
Phil raised his eyebrow. "Daily battle? What's that? That sounds fun!"
Mamoru laughed uncontrollably. Phil decided that either Mamoru found his ignorance amusing, or that flagon of mead was starting to catch up with Tuxedo Mask. Mamoru finally regained some of his composure. "Well... he he he... every day, the two best fighters of the previous day are elected team captains, and each takes turns selecting warriors for their side. Once the sides are figured out, we set into each other until one side or the other is killed. Then Odin blows into his magical horn, the dead come back to life and we feast all night. And then we repeat the process over and over and over and over and..." With that, the former Tuxedo Mask fell face first into his plate of... well, Phil couldn't tell what it was anymore.
The Physics Policeman considered the meaning of this. And grinned. The next day would be fun. He wondered what an army of fighting mad Vikings could do against a Super Saiyan? Or, if he felt really mean, a Mystic Warrior?
Then, something clicked in the back of Phil's mind. "I died ten thousand years ago, but Tux-boy died two months before I went to the past... what am I doing in the present?"
A voice behind him said, "Oh, I can answer that." The voice had a British accent. Phil turned to see the voice's source. It was a man, who looked to be about five feet and nine inches tall. He was dressed in medieval style armor, and he wore a crown on his head. The man had short brown hair, and a neatly trimmed beard obscured the lower half of his face. He considered for a moment, and then said, "Oh dear. I suppose it was rather uncouth of me to listen in upon thy musings, but I can answer thy question."
Phil raised his eyebrow. "Really? And why is that?"
The man sat down on Phil's left. "Well, according to a rather nasty fellow by the name of Loki, time moves differently here. When thou arriveth here, thou art in whatever time thou think is proper. Thou thinkest of thyself as being in thine own time period, so thou were sent here. I hath been here for nearly twelve hundred years now, ever since that bastard Lancelot and his army attacked me! All because that scoundrel lusted after my wife Gwenevere!" Now in a rather angry mood, the medieval man grabbed a flagon of mead from the tray of a passing Valkyrie and took a long swig from it.
Phil considered this. "Wait a second... Lancelot, Gwenevere... hey, you're King Arthur Pendragon!"
He nodded. "Indeed I am. Thou art obviously well versed in history."
"Actually, I went on a date and saw the musical "Camelot" a few years back."
"Oh." He quaffed more mead. "Bloody Broadway idiots. They hath no idea what they write about. Lancelot was not so noble NOR so chaste, if thou can decipher my meaning! And the very idea that his prayer brought a man back to life! 'Tis laughable! And beyond that, the very idea that my great exploits were simply myth! It driveth me to drink!" And he did so. Greatly.
There was a moment of silence, as the two warriors ate. Finally, Phil decided that he wanted some more conversation. "You know, I'm descended from you."
"What? 'Tis impossible! My beloved Gwenevere and I had no children, and my only offspring was that traitorous bastard who I shall not name!"
"Isn't it interesting what you can do with genetic engineering these days?"
Arthur looked at him with a confused look on his face. "Gene-what?"
Phil rolled his eyes. Dealing with medeval types was never easy. "Let's just say that I am telling the truth, and leave it at that."
After another long silence, Arthur broke it. "So, in what way did thou come to meet thy maker?"
"Well, some alien scientist by the name of Kagato drowned me in a cursed spring. This place is nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to "live" here. Now, if I could just figure out a way to get out of here."
Arthur gestured, indicating the hall. "Why wouldst thou wish to leave? Battle all day, feasting all night... why, 'tis a Knight's dream!"
Phil brushed it off. "Not quite my thing. I enjoy a good fight, but this is overkill. Besides, I've got some unfinished business. I can leave and get back to Earth, or "Midgard" if you prefer, because my body is simply in some kind of trance."
"How wouldst thou know that?"
"It was my mind that was sent through time, not my body. I was just possessing someone else. I figure my partners are smart enough to get me hooked up to some kind of life support system till I get back."
"I see. Well, I must go. I hath promised Athena a game of chess." With that, Arthur departed.
Phil considered this. "What, Greek and Roman gods to?"
Suddenly, another voice sounded behind Phil. "Aye, they and the Norse be rather close." Phil found the source of the voice; a large, giant of a man. He had rather homely features, and he had long, gnarled red hair. He spoke with a slurred Scottish brogue, and his breath bore testament to many a quaffed ale. His nose ran freely, and the occasional bit of drool would leave his mouth and being a seven foot journey to the ground.
Phil held his nose, temporarily cursing the enhanced senses that were part of his Saiyan heritage. In his estimation, this giant was as close to being a cave man as one could get without being born during the stone age. "And you are?"
He gave a very loud laugh, and slapped Phil on the back. "Well lad, ye speak to none o'er then Shamus McJagger of the Highlands!"
Phil grew rather irritated with the man. "Should I have heard of you?"
"What? Have ye ne seen th' movie Braveheart?"
Phil looked at him with an incredulous look in his eyes. "YOU were Braveheart?"
He laughed again and slapped him on the back. The genetically engineered warrior was growing peeved. "Ha ha! Aye, ye be a funny one, lad! I was'ne that pansy! I be the one that had the idea to moon those blasted limeys!"
"Um, didn't that lead to dozens of casualties when the British fired upon your position, as your troops were too busy displaying their posteriors to fight back?"
"Aye, but it was for the cause." He pointed, indicating Phil's plate. "Are ye goin' te be eatin' that?"
"Yes, I will. Now, go away. You bother me."
The drunken Scotsman staggered to his feet and brought out a large mace. "What? Ye can'ne speak that way t' yer betters!"
"I'll remember that the next time that I meet one of my betters."
"I'll clobber ye good!" The mace swung out. Had Phil been a normal man, the blow would have likely snapped him in two.
Of course, Phil was hardly a normal man.
Shamus was quite surprised when his mace smashed the chair where Phil had been seated in without hitting Phil first. His amazement grew as he saw a flash of yellow off to his right as Phil went Super Saiyan. And he became bewildered when Phil lifted him off the ground with one hand.
Phil smirked. Being a Super Saiyan was fun. "You, my inebriated friend, need a time out." With that, Phil threw him out the window. The Scotsman flew a good distance, then began to plummet downward. Phil shifted back to his normal state and sat down. There was a round of applause as he sat down, as Shamus McJagger had been irritating everyone present.
Phil's smirk intensified. "To butcher a famous line of poetry, "I threw a lummox in the air, and if he lands, I do not care."
* * * *
Elsewhere:
King Kai sighed in a sad fashion. Even though it had been about eight years, he still missed having his own planet on occasion. The Grand Kai had a very nice planet, but it just didn't feel right. Besides, how could he guard the east section of the Milky Way Galaxy if he didn't have a place to do it from?
The cricket-like man shook his fist angrily. "Blast that moron Cell! This is all his fault!" He sighed. "Oh, well. At least nothing else can go wrong. Things have been rather quiet since Goku left." A peal of thunder sounded in the distance, and King Kai frowned. It was bad enough having to regularly deal with those Norse types, but did Thor always have to show off? And what was that strange whistling noise?
The Kai's musings were interrupted as a gigantic Scotsman fell on his head from up above. Even though he was by no means a weakling, he was still rendered most unconscious by the impact.
So was Shamus. The barbarian would wake up later in Valhalla's small infirmary with a rather nasty headache. Also, apparently, as punishment for his bad behavior over the last several hundred years, Odin had reshaped him so that he was a rather attractive serving wench, who was given orders to serve the dead Vikings' every need for the rest of eternity. (This is why it is best to NOT annoy either the Kais or the Gods.)
Phil would receive no punishment for being the one to actually throw Shamus, because nobody had liked the barbarian anyway.
* * * *
However, where was Io?
Ten Thousand Years Prior to Phil's arrival in Valhalla
The Afterlife
Well, at the moment, the dead Sailor Senshi was chasing around a monkey. Having been raised in and around Jupiter, her gravity tolerance was higher than the norm. However, even she couldn't fight in sixty times the Moon's gravity! This was insane! And she had no idea who that blue-skinned weirdo with the antennae was. He kept insisting that the very fact that she'd made it across Snake Way (whatever THAT was) proved that she was a warrior worthy of his special training.
At first, she had fought this weirdo, attempting to get off the planet. After all, she had only gone up to his tiny world to ask for directions. After Phil and Brunhilda had taken off, she had wandered through the void for hours before falling off the edge. After what seemed like an eternity, she had landed on what looked to be the paved back of a huge dragon. Picking a direction at random, she'd set out to find out where she was. After a nasty experience with some carnivore who called herself the Snake Queen, she'd reached this place. It was VERY wierd; a tiny planet, with a car and a road that circled it once. Also, the house that was mounted on it looked to be about half as large as the entire planet! Upon making it up there, she had been surprised by the sheer amount of gravity present there. For the first week, she had constantly been attempting to escape, with the cricket-man stopping her for "You're own good!"
However, she had realized that this was her opportunity for revenge! She could accept this oddball's training, and become strong enough to face Phil and get her vengeance! (Io seemed to have forgotten that she would eventually become Phil.)
She leapt at the monkey once again. And for the thirteenth time that day, the brown-furred beast managed to dodge her. She glowered. "I'll get you yet, Bubbles!"
King Kai watched her with pride. Three weeks in this gravity had brought her up from the strength of a well-trained human athlete to nearly superhuman levels! Why, the cricket-like man believed that, at this rate, she'd be his best student yet!
(This training is the reason why Phil's soul went from being primarily manna based to Chi based. Ten thousand years of training would grant anybody greater Chi strength.)
The Next Day:
A large crowd of Viking warriors were milling about, waiting for the daily battle to begin. There was a certain air to the place. Perhaps it was anticipation. Perhaps it was fear of yet another death. Perhaps it was simply that many of the Vikings didn't know what antiperspirant was. Whatever it was, it made it rather unpleasant to be there.
Finally, a large man rode in on a horse. The only difference was that this particular horse had eight legs. The offspring of Loki, the horse Sleipnir, was reputed to be twice as fast as any normal horse. Upon his back was its owner, Odin.
The father and ruler of the Norse Gods, he usually presided over the feasts in Valhalla. He also had the responsibility of beginning the fight today.
The Vikings began to murmur, but they stopped when Odin dismounted. All conversation immediately ceased. He raised his hands and addressed the crowd. "Warriors! On this day, there shall be a special treat! Although Sigfried and Beowulf performed the best in yesterday's battle, they shall not be the Team Captains for this bout." This was met by some light grumbling and a few notes of confusion. "Instead, today the teams shall be led by Thor and Raiden!"
Phil whispered to Arthur, who was on his right. "Who's Raiden?"
Arthur considered this for a moment. "I believe that he art the Japanese God of Lightning. I remember well the last time they fought. It was two hundred years ago in the Other World Martial Arts Tournament. Raiden managed to come out on top by simply overloading Thor with electricity."
"Wait a second. What was Thor doing in a Martial Arts Competition?"
"Those two hath been rivals as long as I can recall. I believe that they entered simply to alleviate their boredom. After all, when one is immortal, one has all of eternity to amuse thyself with, so one cannot put thyself in the same rut. I, being intrigued by the possibility of seeing gods do battle, used a day pass to get to the Grand Kai's planet."
"Ah. So this is a grudge match, eh?"
"Indeed."
"I pity whichever of them doesn't choose me."
Arthur was quite surprised at this. "Thou wouldst threaten a God?"
Phil smirked. "Believe you me, I've read enough comics about "the Mighty Thor" to know that I can overpower him any day of the week."
"Such hubris! I pray that Thor did not hear that."
"Oh, I did."
Both the legendary King and the Physics Policeman jumped a little. Behind them was Thor. Phil noticed how he wasn't dressed in like he was in the comics. As opposed to a spandex suit, he was dressed much like the other Vikings.
"And if you refer to my incarnation as portrayed by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they got a few details wrong."
Phil considered this. "But wait a second... all fiction is real on some level, somewhere."
Thor shrugged. "What, you don't honestly think that we'd let the Hulk or whoever go tromping around Asgard, did you? Just think of the property damage!"
"Huh?"
Thor smiled. "You see, the Mighty Thor is an avatar of myself. His personality matrix was tinkered with by a being known as Puck, AKA Robin Goodfellow, AKA Toltir. He's a God of Mischief, so a few flaws he perceived in me were exaggerated to an amazing degree. However, the Avatars are necessary. I mean, what you Saiyans haven't figured out yet is that if one keeps battling with that level of power, eventually a missed shot is going to vaporize a planet of something." Phil sweated a bit at that remark. "So, we created the Avatars. Every God made one and put them in a simulated Asgard or Olympus. What, you don't really think that someone like the Hulk or the Juggernaut could really surpass the power of a God, do you?"
Phil nodded. "I suppose that makes sense. So, those simulacrums do the battle for you while you watch?"
"Exactly. A few of us make wagers on the outcome, but at this point only the most desperate gamblers ever bet on Loki."
"Why aren't you talking like Arthur over here? I mean, your simulation's speech is just full of Thees, thys and thous."
Thor sighed. "Toltir thought that I was overly formal, so he made my Avatar's speech sound like I was a reject from Shakespeare in the Park." The Norse God shuddered. "Loki just had a field day with that one!"
"Do they even know that they aren't real?"
"If they did, it would ruin the whole simulation, now wouldn't it? So, don't go telling them. Then again, it's not as if they'd believe you." The golden haired God of Thunder stopped his conversation. He glared at a new being who appeared on Phil's left.
The newcomer was Thor's physical opposite. Instead of being a large, beefy Scandinavian, he was about five foot five inches. His hair was black and was tied up in a pigtail in the back. He was rather gaunt, and not terribly muscular. What struck Phil were his eyes. The green orbs seemed to radiate power.
Smirking arrogantly, he addressed Thor. "Why, hello Thor. Nice weather we're having, eh? Oh course, you'll probably want to take credit for that."
The Norse God's glare intensified. "Hello, Raiden."
The Japanese God of lightning responded to Thor's venom with a look of pure arrogance. "It shall be amusing to defeat you again, Goldilocks. Well, I suppose we'd best start selecting teams."
Thor gave Phil a sideways look. "I shall enjoy seeing you upon the battlefield, mortal. Good day to you."
Phil smirked. So, Thor thought that he was just an average everyday mortal, eh? He'd have to do something to dispel THAT misconception.
* * *
"Pansy, could you be any MORE pathetic?" Phil slugged a Viking across the face, sending him flying. In fact, the force of the blow, knocked aside several warriors who had been rushing up to back up the Viking.
The former Tuxedo Mask weakly parried a blow from another Viking. "C'mon! It's not like I was trained to use a sword!"
"Yeah, you use those useless roses of yours."
"Will you just shut up about that!?" Taking a rose in his hands, Mamoru let fly at the Viking. The dead Norseman stopped the flying flower with his wooden shield.
Phil rolled his eyes upward. Moving so fast that he created a double image, he went behind the Viking, stabbed him and was back at his starting point to block a strike from Fin Mac Cool.
The Celtic warrior attempted to gut Phil like a fish. However, he was quite surprised when the metal sword broke in half as Phil's skin stopped it. He gasped. "What sorcery is this?"
Phil ignored his statement. Making a gesture, Phil sent the ancient Celtic King flying into a group of his comrades. Phil glowed yellow for a moment, then let loose with a Mouko Takabishi. The yellow blast of ego-fueled Chi vaporized them where they stood.
Phil snorted. "This is pathetic! Makes me wish I'd ended up with one of the Kais. Those guys like Pikon would have probably given me a good fight!"
Mamoru suddenly went pale. Bearing down on him was a beefy man who was about six and a half feet tall. His long blond hair and incredibly pale skin marked him as a Viking. Tux-Boy barely managed to block his strike. "Phil! Help! It's Sigfried! He's trying to kill me!"
Phil was using the Force to choke the life out of Beowulf. The Geatish (I am not making that nationality up) King bore a surprised look on his face for several moments, before the pressure finally broke his neck. "Uh huh. That's nice."
"Wait! Why aren't you helping me like you were before?"
Phil smirked. "What, he's the one that's gotten you every day. I wouldn't deprive a man of his target. Go ahead, Sigfried."
The Norseman grinned savagely. "With pleasure." With a single fluid motion, Sigfried decapitated the former Tux-Boy. With a look of shock and terror on his face, Mamoru's head fell to the ground with an audible thud.
Phil knocked aside a man who, according to his boastings, was Sir Gawain of Camelot. Phil's backhand didn't even touch the man; the near miss still removed his head.
Phil had a bored look on his face. "This isn't battle; this is just irritating. Well, only one way to fix that." The air shimmered around him as he enacted the Mystical Powerup. "I'm goin' on a God hunt!"
Sigfried rushed Phil, intending to strike down this newcomer. "Hah! You aren't worthy to face a God! You shall die at the hands of Sigfr... *ack!*" Phil's sword intercepted him in mid-boast. After removing his sword, Phil left the Viking to attempt to halt the massive blood flow from the gaping wound in his chest.
Flying up into the air, Phil saw his target. He could also survey the battlefield from his position. He and Mamoru had been chosen by Raiden. Arthur was also on the side of the Lightning God, and from the looks of it, the former King of England was doing nicely for himself. Phil smirked. With Arthur and himself on Raiden's side, victory was nearly assured.
Phil homed in on Thor. The Norse God of Thunder hadn't been very hard to find, considering that he was blasting through his enemies in much the same way that Phil had.
Phil considered the situation. He decided that with that nasty warhammer of his, Thor would be best to tackle from a distance.
Phil cupped his hands. "Ka...me...ha...me...ha!" A gigantic bolt of blue energy flew out.
Thor, who had been in the process of braining Sir Lancelot, turned to see what the source of the bright light was. His eyes widened as the Kamehameha Wave hit him. Moment later, a massive explosion consumed roughly a square mile of land, vaporizing warriors on both sides. Phil didn't particularly care, since they were already dead.
As the smoke cleared, Phil was surprised to see that Thor hadn't been vaporized. Phil's eyes widened. "Whoa. When he said that he was stronger than his Avatar, he wasn't kidding! That blast would've at least staggered Vegeta!"
Thor looked up at Phil and smiled. "So, you're one of those insufferable Saiyans, eh? You're the one who's led to the decline of Marvel Comic Book sales, thus endangering the tales of my Avatar's exploits! Have at you!" With a bright flash of light, Thor was airborne.
Phil tossed his sword aside, knowing that it would be all but useless against the God. He took a ball of Chi in his hand. "If Ryoko can do it, so can I." Squeezing the ball, he was pleased to see that it took the general shape of a lightsaber.
The "lightsaber" was formed in the nick of time, as Phil was forced to block a blow from Mjollnir. Phil retaliated with a swipe aimed at Thor's head. However, the Norse God managed to dodge the strike, and brought his hammer down in a counterstrike.
Phil danced around the bludgeon, and caught Thor in the face with a punch. The Thunder God was staggered by the blow.
Calling upon most of his energy, Phil created a power Chi bolt. Yellow energy forming in his hands and around his body, he pointed his hands at Thor and yelled, "FINAL FLASH!" Vegeta's trademark attack hit the dazed God, sending him flying into the ground. When it hit the ground, there was another massive explosion. This blast consumed the entire battlefield, and all of the other warriors.
When the light faded, Thor was lying in the middle of a crater. Off in the distance, Raiden was looking equally crispy. Panting from the exertion, Phil grinned. "Cool. I can outfight a God. A warrior God, nonetheless." As he was uttering his boast, however, Thor picked himself off of the ground. Although he looked a little worse for wear, it was obvious that there was still plenty of fight left in him.
Phil groaned. He HATED always being the weaker party in these kinds of battles.
Thor floated up into the air. He had a cocky grin on his face. "Well, mortal, I tip my hat to you." He did so. "Few have ever managed to hurt me as you did. In fact, unless I miss my guess, your little attack knocked out your team captain. You are indeed a worthy foe; not many a mortal can claim to have felled a God in combat! Now, however, I have to end this battle. After all, the longer we fight, the shorter the feast at the end." With that, Thor threw Mjollnir towards the shocked Saiyan hybrid.
Phil barely managed to dodge the speeding missile. As it passed, he laughed. "Hah! You missed! And you just threw away your only weapon!"
"Are you aware of Mjollnir's enchantment?"
"Huh?"
"It must always return to my hand. And you're in the way."
"What are you..." Before Phil could finish his confused statement, he was struck in the back of the head by the warhammer. Unconsciousness claimed him quickly.
* * * *
Whatever popularity Phil had claimed after dealing with Shamus McJagger had faded away. Nobody had been pleased to vaporized by blasts of Chi energy; particularly his allies.
Arthur in particular was peeved. "Thou hath fought with such dishonor! I witnessed thy battle, and only one warrior went down by thy blade! Thou hast used overwhelming force and sorcery in what was to be a test of mortal strength. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THOU HAST SLAIN THINE OWN ALLIES! And not only that, you failed to achieve victory! If thou must cheat, thou should at least win!"
Phil grumbled. "Look, I said I was sorry!"
Arthur glared at Phil. "And to think that thou art my descendant! This cannot be!"
"Well, it is, so get used to it. Pass the ketchup, will ya?"
Arthur snapped. "Such rudeness towards thy ancestors! Thou art the least chivalrous warrior I hath ever had the misfortune to meet!"
"Well, what are you going to do?"
"That is it! As of this moment, I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, do hereby swear that I shall teach this honorless leach Chivalry!"
Around him, various Vikings and Celts, still nursing grudges against the Physics Policeman, burst into laughter and made comments to the effect of, "He'll never do it," and, "That's a nice dream ya got there, Pendragon."
Phil furrowed his brow, ignoring the sarcasm. "Well, that's nice and all, but will you be passing the ketchup any time soon, old man?"
Arthur's forlorned scream could be from heard all the way in Snake Way, and odd echoes permeated HFIL. Several demons and ghosts glanced about, looking for the source of the sound. Seeing none, they gave a collective shrug and went about their work.
End Part 38
* If you don't know who he is, you'll find out soon enough. Heh heh.
