Part 40
"One by One, the Penguins Steal My Sanity."
By BobCat
Disclaimer: I believe that it was Descartes who said that nobody ever has original ideas; they simply combine previously existing concepts to make a "new" thing. Thus, I maintain that by using others' "original" characters, I'm simply being more honest than most. So there!
Also, I'm borrowing Toltir and Mimir's well from Metroanime, but I'm not using them too much.
Author's note: I would like to take a moment to mourn the retirement of fanfiction author Metroanime. He created the infamous Bet, and was the most prolific Ranma ½ author I've ever encountered. There are those who follow trends, and those who blaze them; he was a trailblazer. Metroanime, may the wind be ever at your back, and may you soon be able to return to the fanfiction you love so well. If you aren't familiar with him, take a look at my favorites section!
Thank you.
* * *
Phil wasn't having a very good day.
He didn't so much mind being brought back to life. After all, as previously stated, he found Valhalla boring. A nice place to visit, but he wouldn't want to live there.*
What really bugged Phil was that, once again, Fate was having a joke at his expense. He had been involved in a two minds to one body arrangement with Io ten thousand years back. He didn't look back on it fondly.
And now he was stuck with an extreme case of multiple personality disorder, involving a Sailor Senshi who had a pathological hatred of him, an alien symbiote with a taste for spleens and a stuffy British King who wanted to suck all of the fun out of his life.
Phil had to get them out of his head.
Io glared at Phil. "I know your thoughts, and I'm not going unless I take you with me, murderer!"
"For the last time, you stupid bitch, it wasn't me! Just scan my memories and you'll see!"
"Hah! I'm not falling for that trick!"
Phil groaned. This was going to be difficult.
Arthur wore a smug expression. Phil knew this because Pendragon had seized control of his face and had contorted it into an arrogant smirk. "Well, Squire, now we can begin thy lessons in the code of Chivalry. After all, the sooner that thou lernest the code, the sooner I leave thy body and regain my throne."
Phil blinked. Was it really that simple? From previous experience, he knew that he could overwhelm Io. However, Arthur's presence could tip the balance in her favor, if the two of them got coordinated. Would learning Chivalry be that bad? "So, uh, what exactly would that require?"
"Thou must respect the weaknesses of others, be polite and generous to all those who do not threaten thee or those under thy protection and obey the commands of the Church."
OK, so it would be pretty bad. That would mean no more pranks, no more starting fights for no good reason and he'd have to convert to Catholicism. But, he realized that it would be better for his sanity, such as it was, to remove Arthur's influence. "OK, fine. I can go along with it. Care to write out a contract?"
"Hast thou parchment and a quill?"
"We use paper and pens these days. And yes, I have both."
* * *
On another plane of existence...
Loki was a happy Mischief God. For one thing, he had tricked his first mortal in centuries. For another, he would get a servant for the next million years.
And all it had required was a little basic character study and approval to reshape a mortal reality. In the case of FC-1, a universe already in flux, it was simple enough.
He chuckled to himself. And he had managed to trick a Legendary Hero into taking on an impossible task. And, in compliance with the rules of the "Big Guy Upstairs," he hadn't even needed to lie at all. Now to go rub it in Toltir's face. Damned cat; he'd show him who the real God of Mischief was!
Walking into the plane that held Mimir's well, Loki smirked with disdain at the figure before him. Sitting before the well was a black cat. However, it was no ordinary cat; Toltir was a God at least as strong as Loki. He was a self ordained God of Mischief, and often implied that Loki wasn't. Something about "Mischief has rules." Loki snorted. God of Chaos indeed! "Alright Toltir, move aside. I'm using the well." Mimir's well was the Asgardian alternative to television. It could view any point in the multiverse at any time in history, and those actively involved in Midgard, such as Loki and Toltir, often used it to keep tabs on their little "projects."
The cat raised his eyebrow. "Oh? Would this involve your wager with Pendragon?"
Loki started. How did Toltir know? "Er, yeah. How do you know?"
"Oh, I was just watching it. Phil's about to sign a contract that means that he's giving in to Arthur."
Loki fumed. Literally. Smoke was wafting off of his body, as his rage took on a physical manifestation in the form of flame. This couldn't be happening! He'd know defeat before, but never in the first five minutes of the competition! "WHAT?! NOT ON MY WATCH!" In his rage, Loki practically ripped open a portal. As his enchanted clothes struggled to not burst into flame, Loki angrily stomped through the hole in reality.
Toltir chortled. The Norse God had always been SO easy to manipulate. He started purring as he watched the rippling surface of Mimir's well. "This ought to be interesting."
* * *
Phil read the hastily scrawled contract in his hand. "I, the undersigned, do hereby swear to obey all of the dictates of the Code of Chivalry, in accordance with Arthur Pendragon's contract with the Norse God Loki. OK, fine." Taking the blue pen, he began to write. "P... H... I..."
At that moment, Loki popped out of a hole in the space time continuum. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
He smacked Phil's wrist, sending the pen falling to the ground.
Phil rubbed his injured hand. "Ouch! What was that for?"
Loki quivered with rage. "You weren't supposed to give in to Pendragon! You love your freedom, remember? You're supposed to be opposed to Monarchy and the very idea of Chivalry! You fought all of the Sailor Senshi and risked death at the hands of Queen Serenity fighting for freedom from Monarchs!!"
Phil shrugged. "Well, I don't get any benefit from holding out against Arthur, and the sooner he leaves, the sooner I can get back to suppressing Io's personality."
The Senshi exclaimed, "You won't get rid of me that easily!"
Speaking as one would to a difficult toddler, Phil said, "You go sleep-sleep now." Concentrating for a moment, Phil rendered his troublesome split personality unconscious.
Loki pondered this, scratching his chin. "Well, I offered Arthur the title of King of England and the entire British Commonwealth if he won the bet. What if I were to give you that position until such time as he does?"
Phil considered this. Sure, he was in favor of democracy, but then again, the King of England was more a figurehead than anything else. He saw little to gain in the arrangement. Seeing the desperate look on Loki's face, Phil decided to use that as leverage. In a sly tone, he said, "I dunno... That Magna Carta** thing really limits any power I might have..."
Loki waved his hand dismissively. "Consider it gone."
Phil pumped his arm. "Yes! Being a Super Saiyan is great, but I've always wanted political power!"
Arthur paled. "What in the name of God dost thou think thou art doing? Thou art signing away my victory, Squire!"
"Hey, I got a better offer."
Arthur shook his fist at Phil. "Well, I shall win! As soon as thou art the slightest bit noble, then I shall be the victor!"
Phil blinked. A thought had just occurred to him. "Loki, we never found out before; what kind of restrictions are there? I mean, I stop being the unquestioned ruler of the British Empire once I start being chivalrous. What kind criteria are there?"
Loki smacked his forehead. "Oops. I knew I forgot something in that little contract of mine. Well, I suppose that in order to win, Arthur must get Phil to be polite to Ayeka for a full week. Not just staying out of her way, mind you. He has to be civil in both mind and tongue, as well as holding the door for her and other mannerly activities. Now that we've dealt with THAT little misunderstanding, do we have a deal?"
"Not only yes, but hell yes!"
"Well then. G'bye." In a puff of red smoke, Loki disappeared.
Phil smirked. "Long live the King."
Arthur laughed nervously. "Heh heh heh. I art sure that thou canst beat that wager in a week!"
Phil's smirk intensified. "For one thing, I profit more by helping Loki win. For another, you've obviously never met Ayeka."
Arthur was aghast. "But... but I art both thy master Knight and thy ancestor!"
Phil shrugged. "I never agreed to any of this. Besides, without that nasty little Magna Charta thing restricting my powers, it's good to be King. And another thing; no more of this "Squire" stuff. You shall refer to me as "Majesty," "Liege," " Lord," etc."
"I shall do no such thing!"
"Whatever." That was when Phil realized why he was going to sign Arthur's contract in the first place; to avoid the possibility of angry revolt by Arthur and Io. Phil slapped his forehead in frustration. "D'oh!" Phil decided that he needed to placate Arthur. "But, seeing as how I've never been a King before, I'll make you my top advisor. OK?"
Arthur attempted to glare at Phil, but only succeeded in crossing his eyes. "That shall do, Squire. For now. I hath given my word that I would learn Chivalry, and Chivalry you shall learn!"
"Agreed."
By this time, Io was awake. "Ugh. What hit me?"
Phil raised his hand. "That would be me."
Io massaged their temples. "Not again! You murderous fiend! You destroyed my home, and I shall do all that I can do to stop you from harming more people!" She addressed Arthur, as she saw him as a potential ally. "So, Arthur, what happened?"
Arthur sighed. "A Chaos God just gave Phil control of the British Empire."
"D'oh! Then I must fight even harder to rid the world of your evil! Kaio-Ken!" With that phrase, Phil was surrounded by a red aura.
Phil was quite surprised. "What the hell?" His amazement grew more when his own hand moved with a speed that he had trouble tracking to lock around his neck. "Ack!" As Phil's hand started to choke the life from Phil's body, he managed to focus some Chi. Phil's hair began to stand on end and shift to a yellow color, while his eyes lost their pupils. After a few moments, an aura of yellow flame exploded to life around Phil's body, except for the rebellious hand. The loyal appendage, the right hand, swiftly lashed out and grabbed its twin by the wrist. After a brief struggle, Phil forced away Io's clutching hand. Phil struggled with his left hand. "Where... the... hell... did... you... learn... that?"
Io responded, "From King Kai! I've trained for the last ten thousand years in grueling conditions to destroy the evil that is you!"
The Super Saiyan then proceeded to punch himself in the gut, sending all three to the ground. He landed on his rear end, and the shock caused his aura to collapse. Phil's breathing was ragged. "Io... for the last... time... it... wasn't... me. It was Serenity. Like Loki said, we're connected on a very deep level. You know when I'm lying and when I'm being truthful."
Arthur scratched their head. "What art thou talking about?"
Phil sighed and rolled his eyes upward. "Io here seems to have this silly idea that I destroyed the Moon Kingdom, of which she was a part." Phil addressed Io, hoping to crack through her stubborn rage. "Io, it wasn't my fault that the Moon Kingdom was destroyed, and even without me it would have fallen. It was my responsibility as an officer of the Physics Police to maintain the timeline. As for your previous accusations, it wasn't my fault that Planet X blew up; there was no way Tag should have been able to block that last blast. I feel really bad about it, though, so I have been doing my best to make up for it. And again, the Senshi are alive and well. I didn't kill your mother, Sailor Jupiter. In fact, if you like, you can meet her, although she is younger than us and probably wouldn't remember you yet."
Tears welled up in Io's eyes. For the past ten millennia, she had worked with one goal; to slay Phil for what he had done. Yet, he was correct; she sensed no deception on his part, and it did make sense. She was silent, considering what this meant for her.
A little pseudopod from the symbiote tapped Phil's shoulder. Although it didn't speak in words, Phil could sense its worry and confusion. Using the Force, he attempted to transmit calm, soothing emotion to the symbiote. Oddly enough, both the alien clothing and the weeping Senshi were pacified.
Phil rolled his eyes. Women and spleen-eating aliens were SO emotional! "Now, if we're done with the soap opera, I really need to figure out how long I've been gone and what happened while I was out. Besides, I think we can all go for a good, hot meal and a brew."
The symbiote twitched hopefully. "Spleen?"
"NO!" The alien symbiote started pouting. Phil tapped his wristwatch. "Jack? This is Phil. Transport for one to home base." As soon as the words were out of Phil's mouth, a red and white portal opened. Stepping through the opening, Phil left universe FC-1.
* * *
Ten Minutes Later
Physics Police HQ
Sector 3 Cantina
Io looked at the sign. She didn't recognize the English, German, Japanese or Huttese versions of the "Physics Police HQ: Sector 3 Cantina" sign. However, the Senshi could read the line of Old Correlian, which she had learned from a Correlian trader. She was confused. "Physics Police? Who're they?"
Phil moaned. "For the LAST time, I am! Remember? I've identified myself as a Physics Policeman on several occasions in your presence."
"Oh." Io blinked in confusion. "Uh, what do you do"
Phil simply stated, "Well, our basic job is to keep the amount of Chaos in the universe down to a bare minimum."
Arthur said sarcastically, "What art thy problem? Thou dost little BUT make chaos."
Phil shook his head. "Hey, it's not my fault. I keep getting in these compromising situations. In fact, none of this is my fault. It can all be traced to a guy under my authority named Ralph. I'll tell you about it later."
Io queried, "So, what is this?"
Phil smirked, unable to resist. "You'll never find a more foul hive of scum and villainy. Just keep an eye out." Io was a little afraid. Being the sheltered daughter of a Sailor Senshi in a time when even the most street-wise person was somewhat naive, she was unused to such surroundings. Phil, sensing this, said, "Naw, I'm just kidding. It's basically the local pub."
Arthur perked up. It had been nearly an hour since he'd last had a beer! Arthur exclaimed, "Then what art thou waiting for? Let us go!"
As they walked in, the metal detector identified the various weapons and equipment he carried. This normally would have sounded an alarm, but Phil swiped his Physics Police ID through a depression in the wall. After a few seconds of whirring and clicking, the machine confirmed his identity and let him pass.
Whoever had designed this place had obviously been inspired by Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley. For one thing, a group of pink aliens with bulbous heads and jet black eyes played a jazzy tune in the background. Phil wasn't sure whether the Bith musicians were really Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes or just very good imitators, but he decided it really didn't matter.
For another, the bartender serving the sundry alcoholic beverages was Wuher himself. Phil actually had a pretty good relationship with the man, as he was one of the few semi-regulars who paid his tab on a regular basis.
The final thing that truly recreated the mood of the Star Wars Cantina was the dankness. Wuher kept the place well within the various health codes that the Physics Police had set, but it was still rather dank.
Phil sat at the counter. Wuher was cleaning out a mug with a washcloth. Phil guessed it was a force of habit, considering the advanced dishwasher that Phil knew that the bar had. He placed a couple of credit chits on the counter. "Hey, Wuher. Gimme a pint of Ambrosia."
Arthur blinked. "A bar that carries the nectar of the Gods themselves? You "Physics Police" certainly know how to live."
The stout, ugly man placed the golden elixir before Phil. Phil took a draught. "So, Wuher, what's edible today?"
Wuher thought about it. "Well, if you want something quick, there's the Womp Rat Stew..."
Phil leveled a heavy lidded glare at him. "I'm not some tourist, Wuher."
The bartender held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "OK, OK. Look, I got some Beef stew or the Philly Steak Sandwich. I'd take the sandwich, since the main difference between the Beef and the Womp Rat is about three credits on the menu. Besides, the way O'Connor's been talking, you'll wanna get out of here real quick."
Phil raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
Wuher whistled. "I dunno what you did, but he came in here last night mumbling about "illegal power-ups" and "massive space-time rifts." What'd you do?"
Phil shuddered. "I'd rather not talk about it." He sucked down the rest of his Ambrosia. Wuher handed him the sandwich, wrapped in a paper sack. "Well, see ya later."
A few minutes later, Phil was walking down a hallway, headed for the barracks often shared with Ralph. That was when he bumped into Joe, an officer in Phil's division. "Scuse me, Joe."
The man's eyes widened. "Phil, where the hell have you been!? The Chief's about ready to hire Boba Fett or something! Everyone thinks you're dead!"
"I was."
Joe blinked. "How the... oh, yeah. This is you we're talking about. But look; we gotta get you out of here before..."
Suddenly, Phil heard very loud footsteps. They echoed through the metallic floor and walls of the hallway. Accompanying the angry footfalls was very loud breathing.
Joe quickly darted through a nearby door. "It's been nice knowin' ya!"
Chief O'Connor rounded the corner, his footfalls echoing throughout level three. Phil, feeling an odd energy disturbance centered around the Alec Trebec look alike, decided to use his Scouter. He blinked. Even though O'Connor was from a Class T universe, his Power Level was about five thousand. Phil gulped. "Uh oh. I think the Chief may be just a little angry."
Arthur and Io were both confused. Io, unaccustomed to alcohol, was still muddled. It was Arthur who said, "Why art thou afraid? A true Knight never knows fear! Who art this man, that sends such fear into thy warrior heart?"
Phil responded dryly, "My boss."
"Thou art, at least for the time being, the King of England! Thou hast no 'boss'!"
"That goes to show what YOU know."
O'Connor was frothing at the mouth. Very slowly, with ever increasing volume, he said, "Phil. DO. YOU. REALIZE. WHAT. YOU'VE. DONE?!"
Phil backed away, hoping to bump into a handy laundry chute or elevator. No such luck. "Um, No?"
Enraged by Phil's flip response, O'Connor grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "WRONG ANSWER! YOU! MY OFFICE! NOW!" Before the confused Policeman could respond, the Chief was bodily hauling Phil through the sea of tan cubicles into O'Connor's office.
Phil found himself shoved into a wheeled chair. The chubby police chief started pacing.
"Phil, where the hell have you been!? Do you have any idea how long you've been gone?"
"Uh, no. Being in a coma does that to you."
"A coma?"
"Yeah. Y'see, Sailor Pluto used her Time Staff to send me back in time after I refused to get involved with Chibi Ryoko..."
"Who?"
Phil sighed. "She's apparently friends with Omi and GoChibi. She's the daughter of Tenchi and Ryoko. She's from the future, and Sailor Pluto was worried that she'd destabilize the timeline. I remained neutral and that green haired slut sent me to the past, where I met up with my past life, Sailor Io." Phil ignored the Chief's barely stifled laughter. "Well, to make a long story short, we died and I ended up in Valhalla. While there, I met Arthur Pendragon and he made a bet with Loki; he's trying to teach me Chivalry."
O'Connor broke out into full blown laughter. After a few moments, he started wiping the tears from his eyes. All traces of rage had melted away as he giggled helplessly. After a few moments, he managed, "I'm sorry, Phil; it's just that you always manage to get into the most hilarious situations. Where is Pendragon?"
"Well, he and Io are currently camping out in my mind. Oh, and Loki made me the King of the British Empire in FC-1. Of course, he added a few things, but still."
O'Connor's eye twitched. "That would explain THAT particular shift... well, I can't do a thing about it, if it was Loki." O'Connor muttered, "Damned Class A-1 Deity License." O'Connor checked the screen of his laptop. "Now, what's this I hear about you becoming a Super Saiyan?"
Phil nodded. "I found out about the Eugenics Program shortly after Princess Ayeka got me really peeved and I achieved that state."
"Well, we can't be having any more of that."
"WHAT?!"
O'Connor shrugged. "Well, you just don't have the license to go Super. Sorry."
Now it was time for Phil's eye to twitch. "What? I go through all the training, the suffering, the risking my life and I'm not allowed to use the power that the massive genetic engineering program gave me?!"
"Well, I've already started the paperwork, but, well, the licensing department has more important things to worry about. It could take years."
"But you didn't complain about me going Mystical! I even have the licensing for that!"
O'Connor nodded. "True. But the Mystical Powerup uses manna and requires a class B-2 Mage License. The Super Saiyan state needs a Class A-1 Chi warrior's license. You have an A-4, which applies to your normal state. It'll take a while for the upgrade." He made a few queries on his laptop. "I see that Io's Super Saiyan license is still good for another thousand years, though."
Phil blinked. He decided to ignore this nonsensical statement, as it gave him a major loophole. "So, she and I are one. That means that I can go Super. Problem solved."
"Only when you're female. That's how the legal department ruled."
"You know about my curse?" Phil moaned.
"Indeed. Some surveillance photos of you are becoming very popular as pinups." Phil moaned, but the Chief ignored it. O'Connor gathered his thoughts. "Phil, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible; you aren't doing your job."
"What're you talking about? I handled those nasty incidents with Cell and Ultron well enough!"
O'Connor lost his amused tone. "Yes, but you and those around you have been breaking the laws of Physics left and right! Fusion Dances, Flight, training at 2,000 times Earth's gravity... I'm putting some restrictions on your actions, and I want you and the rest of SU5 to crack down a bit more. Things are OK as is, but it could be a LOT better. Make sure that you get everyone licensed for their various super powers."
Phil leaned back in his chair. "So, what's been going on while I was out?"
"I'll leave the debriefing up to Ralph. Remember; "Shore Leave" is now over until further notice. As you are the King of England, you'll need to take some time out to deal with those duties, but try to make up your top priority. Understand?" Phil nodded. "Dismissed."
As Phil left, he wondered why he'd gotten off so easy, considering just how angry his boss had been. Arthur lightly teased him for being so afraid of the man. Phil slapped himself, earning him a few odd looks from bystanders. The rest of his walk to the transporter room was uneventful.
The reason for the Chief's leniency was an e-mail that he had received during the conversation. It was delivered from Sailor Pluto, who had done a bit of checking in Phil's immediate future. It was a detailed synopsis of Phil's life over the next few months. Skimming it, O'Connor had gone easy on Phil since he decided that his subordinate's life would soon be punishment enough. After all, killing him would be too easy.
End Part 40
A note on pronouns: Phil is either a he or she, depending upon the fluctuations of the Jusenkyo curse. Arthur is always a he, and Io is always a she.
And now, the footnotes...
* I bet that took some of you a minute to get that.
** A document signed by Prince John of England (the same guy from Robin Hood) that signed away a good portion of the monarchy's power to the other nobility. It is considered by some the beginning of modern democracy, and was one of the first attempts in history to significantly limit the powers of the King of a nation. Get rid of it, and you end up with the King's word being law. Hence, Phil would want it gone for his own gain.
