Part 43

Meet the Neighbors

By BobCat

Disclaimer: Who here honestly thinks that I own any of the Anime or American Sci-Fi that I'm ripping off? (Silence). I thought as much.

Surgeon General's Warning: The reading of this fanfic may result in spontaneous laughter, which can be harmful, causing such side effects as:

1) Rolling on the floor in laughter.

2) The splitting of sides.

3) Overuse of acronyms such as "LOL" and "ROTFL."

This public service announcement was brought to you by the good folks at Laramie cigarettes. Remember, smoking is good for you! After all, millions of dead Americans couldn't be wrong.

* * *

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had turned down the advances of the Amazon Lotion. Now, even as she retreated to rethink her strategy, he was confronted by something completely unexpected.

The two men were clad in power armor. (At least, Phil assumed they were men; power armor does an excellent job of hiding the gender of its user.) As opposed to the heavier Elemental class armor seen previously, these were more humanoid, with the limbs being of the proper dimensions and places for a human being. The head, as opposed to being melded into the torso of the machine, sat atop a neck of metal. Where the face should have been, there was a tinted faceplate.

The trooper on the right had more firepower than a conventional infantry platoon. A single missile launcher that looked to be anti-tank caliber was housed in a launcher strapped onto the armor's right shoulder. As opposed to being bolted on like an Elemental's launcher, it was attached by a strap. In the man's right hand was a large rifle that looked like an M-60, except that it had two barrels. The top barrel looked like a standard machine gun, but Phil could recognize the opening beneath it as an auto-grenade launcher. Slung across his back was a rifle that had three barrels, mounted in a triangular shape at the tip of the weapon. Phil thought that it looked like somebody had taken the barrels from three laser rifles and mounted them in a gattling-gun like fashion. The man had three bandoliers across his chest; one with ammo for the machine gun, one with grenades for the launcher and the other seemed to be fitted with full fledged demolition charges. An oversized holster on the trooper's leg held what appeared to be a small flame-thrower.

Seeing the sheer amount of power leveled at him, Phil crouched to a defensive pose and began to power up. Phil looked at the trooper on the left to size up the rest of his potential opposition.

And the sum total of his weaponry was: a plate of lime green Jello topped with whipped cream.

Phil blinked. Had either of the troopers possessed a Scouter, they would have noticed that his power level had dipped significantly as his concentration turned less to combat and more to wondering what the hell an invader thought he was going to take over with Jello.

Suddenly, the man on the left reached up with his left arm and tapped a button on the back of his helmet. There was a hiss as the air pressure equalized. Then, taking great care, the man with the Jello removed his helmet, revealing a man in his early twenties. He had red hair and green eyes. The goofy grin on his face, gave the impression of a man still in his mid-teens. "Hiya! We're your new neighbors!"

The trooper with the guns lowered his laser rifle and removed his helmet as well. This man appeared to be slightly older than the Jello carrier, and, had black hair. Most of it was shaved away in a crew cut, except for a tightly braided rattail that was tied up behind his head. The armed trooper undid the tie, allowing gravity to regain its hold on the rattail. It looked to be at least three feet long. His face had a nasty looking scar on the left cheek that ran vertically. His eyes were a light blue, contrasting his hair in a very interesting fashion. However, it should be noted that both men had an identical expression on their faces. "Heydosa! Weesa berry berry pleased to be meetin' youse!"

Phil blinked. Again. "What the..."

The man with the Jello elbowed his companion in the ribs. Or at least, where the power armor would have had ribs. "Boomer! Your translator is stuck on Gunganese again!"

Phil sweatdropped. It had taken him a while to master the technique, but it was a very useful one.



The man identified as Boomer blushed. "Oopsa! One momente, please." He smacked himself on the side of the head. There was a clicking noise, and then Boomer exclaimed, "Ah, that's better! Sorry, my Babel Fish gets confused a lot." Now that he no longer sounded like one of George Lucas' more ill-conceived creations, Phil could hear that he was somewhere in the baritone range of voices. "Thanks, Lance. Now, where were we?"

Phil blinked. He seemed to be doing a lot of that. "Um... who the heck are you guys?"

The red-head, now known as Lance, cupped his chin in his hand, doing a standing-up version of the classic "Thinker" pose. "Well, let's see... Oh yeah!" In the same exact tone as before, he said, "Hiya! We're your new neighbors!" He handed Phil the plate of Jello. "We even brought Jello! I'm Corporal Lance, and this is my buddy Private Boomer. We're with the TDC. We live in the nuclear fallout shelter under your front lawn."

Phil was now thoroughly confused. "You live in the WHAT in my front yard?" He hadn't remembered installing a fallout shelter. He didn't think that old man Masaki had thought of it either.

Phil remembered the TDC, however; they were similar to the Physics Police. The two groups were sister organizations. The Physics Police generally concerned themselves with the comings and goings between dimensions, as well as maintaining the integrity of the various timelines (Phil being a rather big exception). The TDC, or Terran Defense Coalition, were responsible for handling threats that the local dimension's defenders had absolutely no chance of dealing with. However, for it to come within their jurisdiction, the threat needed to originate from the dimension they were defending. Thus, they rarely had to deploy, since most universes possessed a good to counterbalance every evil.

However, Phil hadn't expected them to arrive in FC-1, considering the sheer volume of superheroes on hand. "What's the TDC doing here?"

Boomer rolled his eyes. "What, you didn't get the memo?"

Phil looked at them suspiciously. "What memo?" Lance handed him a slip of paper. Phil ripped open the seal and took a look. "Note to all residents of the Masaki household: Effective immediately, one platoon TDC power armor and supporting assets are given permission to set up a defensive perimeter around the Masaki residence for the purposes of diplomacy..." Phil folded the notice and slipped it into his pocket. He in the same motion, he placed the plate of Jello on a nearby table. "And, um, what is this all about?"

Both shrugged. Lance suggested, "I think it's something having to do with this being the Juraian embassy to Earth or something like that. I dunno. Hey Boomer, what were we supposed to do again? I mean, after we gave him the memo?"

"Get drunk and order a pizza?"

"Before that."

"Ummm... I THINK the Lieutenant wanted to see the local Physics Police authority in the area." Boomer looked at Phil. "Can you tell us where we can find him?" Almost apprehensively, Phil pointed to himself. "Well great! Come along then!" Before Phil could object, he found that each of his arms had been grabbed by one of the troopers. They began marching around the house towards the front yard.

However, he had other things on his mind. "Hey! Let me go!" Phil powered up a bit and attempted to break their grip. It wasn't working too well.

Boomer looked over his shoulder. "Mind not doing that? You could get out, but it'd break something, and that would come outta all our paychecks. Grey Death power armor* doesn't grow on trees, ya know!" Phil noted that the cheerfulness had never left their tone.

Before Phil could protest further, they stopped. "Well, here we are!" Lance pressed a button on his wrist. "Hey Larry! This is Lance. Open up the hatch!" There was silence for a moment. "No, I don't know the password." Phil wondered who Lance was talking to until he noticed his earpiece. "There is no password! Oh there is, is there? Since when. Two minutes ago? But we left five minutes ago!" More silence. Phil noted that Lance was getting angry. "You know damned well it's me!" Yet more silence. "How about a DNA sample? No, I can't prove I've never been cloned! Open up that damned hatch, or else I'm gonna blow it open!" There was the noise of straining machinery. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then Phil noticed that a section of the Masaki's front lawn was rising upward, forced upward by a series of telescoping pipes. It only raised about a foot off of the ground. Then, extended just far enough upward to be visible, was a hand encased in the same armor that Boomer and Lance wore. Except that the hand was flipping off the three of them. Then, the trap-door slammed shut.

Lance growled to Boomer, "Hand me a charge." Boomer complied. Lance placed the demolition charge on the ground near where the yard had risen a moment before. Lance pressed a few buttons, then yelled, "Hit the deck!" Phil managed to power up just in time to avoid being splattered by the massive explosion. When Phil looked again, there was a massive chunk of turf missing from the lawn. Phil looked down the hole, and saw that there was a shaft that extended down about thirty meters, with a stunned looking man in power armor at the bottom.

Then, Lance did the last thing Phil expected. With a cry of, "Banzai!", he performed a perfect swan dive down the hole. Phil expected the man to go splat upon hitting the ground. However, he homed in like a smart bomb and tackled the man known only as Larry. For some reason, Lance survived the impact. In fact, Larry seemed to be more damaged by the impact than Lance. Phil looked away as the sounds of combat began. They were as follows:

"Yipe! (Wham! Smash! Wump! Pow pow pow!) Oh God that hurts! (Slam! Crunch!) Mother! Hey, that doesn't bend that way! (Whud! Snuh! WHAM! Thud.)"

Then, there was silence. The silence was broken as there was a thunderous VHOOSH! This was followed by Lance rocketing up the hole in the ground via the Jump Jets built into his battle armor. He was dragging up what looked to be the remains of an infantryman. Lance dropped the battered Larry at Phil's feet. He nudged the fallen form with his right foot. "Now Larry, apologize to the nice Physics Policeman." The crumpled form groaned. "Good enough!" With a single kick, Larry went falling down the shaft. There was a loud thud as Larry and his inertia parted ways.

Phil was holding back his laughter. He knew it was wrong to laugh at the guy's extreme misfortune, but then again he HAD flipped him off. Wiping a tear from his eye, Phil said, "You guys are OK." Arthur had much the same opinion, while Io thought that the unnecessary violence was horrible. The symbiote wanted spleens. So, all was normal in Phil's psyche.

Boomer bowed. "Right this way." Boomer and Lance hit their Jump Jets and controlled their fall down the shaft. Phil performed the same effect with his Chi powers.

Upon landing, Boomer looked at Phil with a curious look on his face. "Cool! I didn't know you could fly! I thought we'd have to send up the elevator." Boomer pointed at the metal platform beneath their feet, which Phil saw was elevated a few inches above the nearby floor.

Phil glanced about. It was a narrow shaft that had metal supports to hold up the rocky ceiling and walls. The ground wasn't paved at all. Then, something occurred to Phil. "Hey, shouldn't a fallout shelter be immune to a demolition charge? And how do you guys LIVE down here?"

Lance pointed toward a door at the end of the shaft. "This is just the first security checkpoint. The actual shelter is behind that door." Removing his right gauntlet, he rapped on it a twice before a small, robotic arm extended from the wall. It split into two limbs. One shined a red light in Lance's eye to scan his retina, while the other injected a small syringe into the exposed flesh of his hand. It took a small sample of blood, then ran a DNA test. Both security checks indicated that it was a member of the platoon, so the metal doors opened, revealing…

A bar.

Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. Most bars didn't have various rocket launchers mounted in racks on the wall. Nor did most have what looked like bulletproof glass on the TVs, or two troopers in power armor guarding the entrance.

However, the room had all of the other trappings of a pub. Although well lit, the place still had the strong stench of alcohol and cigarette smoke. There were stools along the counters, and a few men were in the process of enjoying a pint. There weren't any tables or booths, however. The room they would have occupied was taken up by several pool tables. And at the moment, an intense game of ping pong was taking place.

There were numerous viewing devices, both hologram projector and TVs. The middle of the room was taken up by a massive hologram projector, with smaller projectors and TVs at various points in the bar. On the TV, a baseball game was on. On another, two hockey teams were bashing each other senseless. The massive hologram projector showed the annual Boonta Eve Podrace on Tatooine. A smaller projector showed a couple of Mechas blasting each other in gladiatorial combat. The men and women in the bar seemed most interested in the Mecha battle, and the man who had set himself as the bookie for the battle was collecting money and setting the odds.

Phil blinked. "You guys live in a BAR!?"

Boomer and Lance laughed. "No, that's silly. This is just the combination briefing room and recreation lounge. The Holoprojector works good for both." Lance sat

on one of the stools. For a moment, the metal creaked as it strained to support nearly a ton of battle armor sitting on it. However, it held. Boomer sat down on the stool nearest Lance, and the black-haired trooper held up his armor suit's hand, holding up three fingers. A few seconds later, three pints of beer slid their way down the counter. Lance gestured to the seat next to him. "C'mon, have a round. We just got in a shipment of Timbiki Dark in! Finest brew around."

Phil held up his hands. "No thanks; I should probably see this Lieutenant you were talking about."

Lance finished his first and moved on to his second. As his judgment was already impaired before he had imbibed the alcohol, he decided to chuck Phil's mug at him. "Here, take one for the road!" Before Phil could protest, there was a mug of Timbiki Dark hurtling towards him. It flipped slightly in mid-flight, spilling its contents upon Phil.

Boomer blinked. Where Phil had been standing a moment ago, there was now a very cute girl with blue hair, who was soaking wet. "Hey, where'd Phil go?" He quaffed another beer.

Phil managed to part her dripping hair. "I AM Phil, you ignoramus!"

Lance considered this. "Hey, that's a cool trick! Do it again!"

Phil used the Force to levitate a mug of coffee into the air and dump it on herself. He said, "Thanks, I'd rather not."

Boomer had been perplexed for a moment. This all seemed very familiar. Then, inspiration hit. "Hey! That's a Jusenkyo curse! Cool!" He grabbed a bottle of water and a pot of coffee.

Phil wasn't paying attention. He and Lance were talking. "So Lance,"

Boomer was now behind Phil and dumped the water bottle on his head. "Cold water,"

She said, "where's this…"

"Hot water!" Boomer upended the coffee pot.

"Lieutenant you…", he continued

"Cold water,"

"wanted me to…"

"Hot water!"

"Meet?"

"Cold water,"

As Phil lost his Y chromosome again, she spun around. "WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!!??" Boomer temporarily adopted a deer-in the headlight look and put down the containers of liquid.

Lance shrugged. "Lieutenant Creel doesn't like to hang out with the unit too much. Can't imagine why. He told me to give you this if he wasn't around." He handed Phil a postcard. She took it and read,

To: The Ranking Officer of the local Physics Police unit,

From: Lieutenant Jacob Creel, 1st Regiment, 3rd Battalion, 2nd Company, 3rd Platoon, AKA The Black Sheep

By now, you've met Boomer and Lance. If I'm not there, I'm probably out somewhere drowning my sorrows. The unit assigned to guard the Juraian Embassy to Earth is in place to deal with threats that fall outside of the jurisdiction or ability of your unit to deal with. Please note that we are only a resource to be called upon as a last resort, and only in the event that the threat originated from universe FC-1.

By the way, you may have noticed that the members of my unit are not the most… conventional around. They are the best of the best of the TDC when in combat, but only their talent keeps them from being court-martialed. As a word of warning, don't be surprised if they completely ignore any of the above stipulations of our assignment here.

Boomer and Lance have volunteered to be your Liaison officers. They answer directly to you when on duty. May God have mercy on your soul.



Signed, Lieutenant Creel

Phil groaned. She sat at the bar. "Maybe I will take you up on that Timbiki."





End Part 43

* Grey Death Class Power Armor: Yet another toy borrowed from Battletech and Mechwarrior. It's like the Elemental Class from last chapter, but smaller, more lightly armed and armored, has a better sensor suite and is more maneuverable. Also, it is more humanoid, with actual hands. By the by, in either review form or as e-mails, I'd like to take a quick poll to see how familiar my readers are with Battletech. Just find yourself on this handy reference guide:

(Note: Mechwarrior is the popular series of video games, while Battletech is the board game and novel series upon which the video games are based.)

1) Michael A. Stackpole is my God! I own every record sheet collection and Field Manual in the Battletech series, know the timeline of the Battletech novels better than the history of my own country and have beaten all of the Mechwarrior games at least fifty times. (This is ALMOST me.)

2) Oh yeah, the board game can be fun occasionally. I prefer the video game, though.

3) Oh yeah I've played the game a couple of times. I get lost when you bring in stuff that wasn't in any of the video games, though.

4) I know OF Mechwarrior… I think the nerd in my family has some of the stuff.

5) Mech-what? Is that like Gundam Wing?

Remember to respond to this handy survey; what I bring in from Battletech and how I do it will depend upon the results of the survey.