Part 45
Physics Police in Collision Course
By BobCat
This, and all other chapters Edited By: Flaktrap
Disclaimer: It isn't mine. That is all.
It is a little known fact that there is substantial interaction between the various pantheons of the gods. This is due to the simple fact that when one is immortal, one starts to become bored with even the most splendid heaven. Such boredom has lead to cranky gods, who cause such catastrophes as Pompeii being buried under a layer of volcanic ash.* It became vital to have somewhere to get away from it all.
Other heavens are the logical choice, as they don't require that the vacationing god to interact overmuch with mortals. Long before the Greeks had encountered the Teutonic tribes to the north, Ares was going to Valhalla on his days off. The rivalry between Thor and Raiden** went further back than Norse knowledge of any place known as the Orient, and so on.
However, not all meetings of the gods are for simply to relieve boredom. Occasionally, a new threat forces all of them, be they Greek, Norse, Japanese, Celtic or whatnot, to band together simply to survive.
This wasn't one of those meetings.
As for the meeting place, it was a spot chosen for various reasons. For one thing, it was neutral territory to all involved. For another, it was ensured that there would be minimal odds of a mortal happening upon them, simply by the location. And finally, it had cuisine unmatched in any heaven.
In short, it was a Denny's in downtown Manhattan.
To clarify, it was far enough away from Europe and Japan that nobody had anything approaching a home field advantage (a very real concern, as the gods rarely play fair). Also, it was in such disrepair that few mortals would ever eat there. And there was no doubt about it: the cuisine was not to be matched, at least so long as the stringent quality control that the gods had implemented were in place.
The owner and proprietor, an utterly disgusting man named James, was always glad to give this "Low Key" guy free reign, mainly because he was the primary source of revenue for the franchise.
It was in these humble circumstances that Loki had called together the gods for something very interesting. In his wager with Arthur, there was great chance for amusement. But, there was little chance for material profit, as opposed to the great number of favors he had called in to reform universe FC-1. Thus, he employed the old standby of godly entertainment.
The side bet.
Many a tale has been told of the twelve labors of Hercules. Few know, however, that accompanying the great tasks that created the superlative "Herculean" was a flurry of wagers to make Las Vegas seem like a moist sponge compared to a swimming pool. When Odin hung for nine days from the World Tree in order to learn his nine charms, gods from Zeus to Hachiman to Freyja to Morrigan had money that said he wouldn't last three. When Amaterasu, the Japanese sun goddess, withdrew into her cave to hide from her brother Susa-no-o, the world had been plunged into darkness. Even as the mortal plane died, many a deity placed bets on whether or not she would ever leave, and if so, when.
All had proven very profitable for the first god to begin organizing the wagers. With a small service charge taken out, mind you.
The chaos in FC-1 meant that there were a multitude of potential bets. Loki wanted a piece of the action.
And he would get it.
* * * *
Space. The final frontier.
There's one thing to say about space. It is really, really big, and filled with a whole lotta nothing.
A fact that Ralph was well acquainted with, since he'd been spending a LOT of time in hyperspace within the bowels of Ryo-Ohki.
Fortunately, this time he'd had the foresight to bring along a few day's worth of activities. A few board games, his Game Boy and some books, including a stack of his manga.
Currently, Minako and Makoto were leafing through his manga, Ami was rereading a trigonometry textbook, and Rei and Usagi were playing a game of chess.
Ralph chuckled to himself. He didn't know why Rei was feeling so mean; at her best, the FC-1 Usagi lacked even the limited intelligence of her canon counterpart. Heck, it's like clubbing a baby seal.
That's when there was the sound of THUNK as a pawn was brought down on a chessboard with significant force.
"Checkmate!" cried a happy voice.
Ralph blinked. That wasn't Rei's voice. If I didn't know better, I'd say that was…
"I lost! But…" Rei stood up rapidly, staring incredulously at the chessboard at her feet, as if those actions would cause her king to become free. "HOW?!"
Ralph blinked again. He said under his breath, "Looks like the seal had its own club."
Neither Senshi heard the comment. Usagi pointed towards the board. In a well reasoned tone she stated, "Well, I used my favorite tactic, which I call the "Russian Line." Basically, I played it conservatively while sacrificing my queen and a bishop, and when you overextended yourself my knights got your queen and rooks in a couple of turns. From there, I just pushed and you crumbled pretty easily. I call it the Russian Line strategy because it's kinda like Russia whenever they get invaded, y'know? They just fall back and let the environment work in their favor, then strike at the least expected time. Of course, chess doesn't have an environment, but it still worked pretty nicely. Plus, you used some really elementary moves, like you were playing a first timer, which made it easy enough. You left yourself open all over the place, like you were expecting me not to notice your weaknesses. Really, Rei. I expected better."
Suddenly, there was silence. All inhabitants of the ship, as well as the ship itself, stared in bewilderment, jaws slack almost to the point of dislocation. Ami's textbook slid from her limp hands, hitting the ground with a loud thud.
Usagi cocked her head, narrowing one eye slightly. "What?"
Ami was the first to break the heavy silence. "Y-you just beat Rei at a game of strategy. You just spoke as if you played the game regularly, and you even claim to have a favorite technique, named for the historical difficulty of attacking Russia. Yesterday, you kept asking how to move the 'horsies.'"
Usagi's confusion was as great as her friend's. "What're you talking about? I remember us playing yesterday. You won, but it was really close. And what makes you think that the girl who took 3rd in the school's annual chess championship would keep asking about horsies?"
Minako whispered to Makoto, "I knew she'd crack someday. I mean, inventing fictitious awards won at imaginary competitions?" The Senshi of Jupiter only nodded in agreement.
Usagi glared at the two. "Only chess club members were invited." Then, she turned to Ami. "And what makes you think I don't know anything about Russia? Remember? I did that report last year? I got an A!"
Rei was still miffed by her loss. "I remember. You were assigned France and gave a presentation on French's mustard."
Usagi redirected her venomous glare to her best friend. "What the hell are you talking about? The teacher said it was professional quality!"
"Only if you like mustard commercials!"
"Look you ignoramus, I know everything about Russia from the time of the Mongol Empire to World War II, and that's only because the Soviets do a good job of keeping the truth hidden!"
Rei was having trouble keeping track of that sentence, so she went with a safe answer. "Baka!"
"Little Ms. 'I got a C+ on my presentation on Germany 'cause I kept calling Germainy!'"
Rei winced slightly. It had not been one of her prouder moments. "So? It was better than you, mustard girl!"
At this point, lightning was shooting between their eyes.
Ralph decided to not get involved. He picked up the copy of Catcher in the Rye and started reading.
He made the right choice.
More improper words and insults were hurled back and forth between Usagi and Rei. After a few minutes of this, it became obvious that both could do this for hours.
Ever the peacemaker, Ami patted Usagi on the shoulder in a reassuring manner. "Usagi, I know you aren't the best student. But that's no reason to make up all of those things."
Usagi was aghast. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't devoted my entire life to studying like you have! But that doesn't make me an idiot! And I thought you were the nice one!" Suddenly, a very unpleasant thought leapt into her mind. She glanced at her teammates. "You all think I'm some kind of brain-dead moron, don't you?" Nobody responded, and all avoided her gaze as they shifted uncomfortably in place. In Usagi's mind, the very fact that they didn't say "no" was enough. Trails of tears were making their way down her cheeks as she ran into the corner of the ship. "This is really hurting my psyche!" Then, all that could be heard was sobbing.
Rei suddenly felt as though she was three inches tall. She and the other Senshi got into a huddle. "Guys, something's different about her."
Makoto said, "Yeah, since when does she use words like psyche?"
Minako nodded. "Heck, I've never been entirely sure what that meant."
Makoto looked at her friend with an incredulous gaze. "Since when are you dumber than Usagi?"
Less than a minute later, the Senshi of Venus had found her own corner to cry in.
Both Ralph and one of Ryo-Ohki's floating crystals sweatdropped.
Rei glared at Makoto. "Oh, nice going, Makoto! Now they're both crying!"
"Hey! You started it, Rei!"
Ami tried to get them back on topic. "So, assuming something has changed about Usagi, what is it?"
There was silence for a moment, except for the flipping of pages and two girls sobbing. Rei suggested, "Demonic Possession?"
Ami shook her head. "No, Yoda-Sensei or Ralph would've noticed something like that."
Makoto had a thoughtful expression for a moment. Suddenly, inspiration hit, and her features brightened while she snapped her fingers. "Why not check your Mercury Computer? If something from outside her changed her, it might have noticed it."
Ami summoned the visor and holographic laptop. She began scanning Usagi's weeping form. She took a few moments, then reported, "Beyond a heightened adrenaline level brought on by the emotional stress, there's nothing unusual about her."
Rei pondered. This is very familiar… something changed, and not everyone remembers it… "It's like Grandpa!"
Makoto's eyebrow raised. "Mr. Connery cries too?"
Rei smacked her forehead. "No no no! Ralph told me that when universes change, sometimes they don't go together seamlessly. I mean, I have no memories of that… playboy being my Grandpa, but you all accept it as reality. Maybe something happened, Usagi got smarter, and we just don't remember it."
Ami tapped a few more keys on her computer. "My sensors do show a chronological shift occurring while we were asleep yesterday. Can't pinpoint exactly what happened, but your hypothesis would make sense."
Makoto said, "Poor Usagi! Trapped in a world she never made!" The ship shuddered slightly as Ryo-Ohki made the transition from hyperspace to realspace, but nobody really noticed.
Ralph gave Rei a sideways glance. "I'd suggest apologizing. Imagine how you'd feel if everyone started treating you like you had the mental capacity of a five year old?"
Makoto rubbed the back of her head with one hand. "Yeah, I should probably tell Minako I didn't mean that either."
Suddenly, Ryo-Ohki began meowing insistently. Ralph was the only one that understood. "Radar contact?" Ralph looked out the viewport, and saw that space was once again black, with the Earth beginning to fill their view. "At this altitude, it's probably just a satellite. Adjust course so that we don't hit it." He went back to reading his book.
A louder "Miiiyaaaa!" filled the air. Ralph ignored it, figuring that the cabbit was being overly dramatic.
Ami, being the only other person not involved in apology, looked at a screen. "Um, Ralph, I think that's an awful lot of blips for one satellite."
Ralph looked up from his book. "What the… and they're getting closer…" He instructed the screen to zoom in, and he saw what the blips were. "Aw shit. Ryo-Ohki, if you have any kind of energy shielding, turn it on. Girls, buckle in. We're in for a rough ride."
* * * *
Loki continued. "Now that we've completed the first round of side bets, it's time for the main event. Pan, if you please?"
The goat legged man nodded. He was dressed in a small Italian suit that was a light gray color. Of course, the pants were a custom job to accommodate his back-canted legs, but he could more than afford it. After all, the Bookie of the Gods had plenty of material wealth to spread.
For those of you who don't remember the satyr being anything more than a drunk who had a thing for playing his pipes, you are correct. Actually, his was a very interesting story. One day during the dark ages, he'd been partying too hard in the mortal realm and got very smashed. Upon returning to heaven, he made the mistake of hitting on Aphrodite, which Ares didn't appreciate in the slightest. The god of war, being the jealous type, had placed a rather nasty curse on Pan; every time he so much a sniffed alcohol, he would begin to vomit uncontrollably.
For nearly a decade, the poor satyr was absolutely miserable. He tried to continue partying, but the curse got in his way. After a few years, people stopped inviting him to their shindigs, and he became notorious for being a party killer. Eventually, he realized that he had little choice but to give up the stuff. He tried a few other hobbies, but nothing captured his interest.
Until one day, he discovered that he was very good with odds and numbers. He practiced long and hard, eventually getting to the point where he could predict probability more accurately than any supercomputer. His first opening had been when Freyja had suggested a wager to see how long those silly mortals would keep sending crusades to the holy land. As the Norse goddess of love and fertility, she was by most accounts something of a ditz and couldn't add to save her life. Pan had offered his services, for a small fee of course. Since then, Pan had been involved in every successful wager of the gods.
While somebody killed the lights, Pan walked over to a battered slide projector, grabbed the controller, and pressed a button.
On the screen appeared the image of Arthur Pendragon. Loki began his spiel. "As many of you know, I recently entered into a contract with the late King Arthur of England. Next." There was a clicking noise, and a picture of Phil flickered onto the screen. "This is Phil, Arthur's descendant. You might remember him as the uppity mortal who KO'd Raiden in Valhalla." There was some grumbling from the Japanese god of thunder at that comment. Loki ignored him. "At the moment, Arthur's mind is also inhabiting this man's body, as well as one of the mortal's past lives."
A glowing figure raised his hand. "And your point is?"
Loki glowered. "I was getting to that, Helios. Anyhow, what makes this mortal so amusing isn't the number of voices in his head, although that does make things somewhat more interesting. No, it is simply that this fellow has, despite the fact that he isn't the most attractive mortal in existence, managed to accumulate a small harem. Next."
The screen showed a freeze frame of Phil flying away from Ayeka with all due haste. In the corner were the words "lancecam.com." "And the funny thing is that he doesn't even want it. After an entire lifetime devoted to military and martial arts training, he has no idea how to deal with women who have an interest in him, as they've always been more attracted to somebody else. He sees his current circumstances as some kind of massive practical joke. Next."
The picture changed, to show Lotion giving Phil the Kiss of Marriage. "Also, he made the grievous error of entering the village of the Chinese Amazons. Now, two of the members of the tribe are honor bound to take him back to the tribe to use him as breeding stock. Only one has yet to declare her intentions, but the other one is en route. Next."
Then, a picture of Kione came into view. "Then, of course, there is the one that he actually likes, who he hasn't seen in weeks. She isn't too aggressive, they have some common ground, and the two like each other. Next."
Finally, there was a picture of the Masaki household. "What makes things even more chaotic is that he's staying at this place, a natural nexus for unusual phenomenon. Thus, anything and everything can effect exactly who ends up being his mate, if anybody at all." There was some murmuring as various gods and goddesses began discussing the possibilities for amusement.
Pan hit the lights, and several deities blinked as their eyes readjusted to deal with the brightness. Loki produced a small sheet of paper from thin air. "Now then, here are the rules. This is the approved list of 'contestants,' with the odds of each of them landing Phil listed next to them. Speak to Pan if you wish to make a bet. If not, well, I hope that you enjoyed your food. After the wager is placed, I have rented Mimir's well for your viewing pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off." Loki teleported in a puff of smoke, leaving the interested parties (which was all of them, as things had been very slow lately) to cast their bets.
And Loki grinned.
* * * *
Earth's upper atmosphere:
Ralph, meanwhile, had no reason to smile.
His hands currently had a death grip on the floating spheres that allowed the Jedi to control the craft's movement. He jerked it to the side, barely avoiding a colliding with one of the multitude of insectoid alien.
Ralph swore. What the hell is a swarm of Zerg doing here!? He pulled what counted for triggers on the spheres, sending a pair of laser bolts at a Mutalisk. The C-shaped creature was sliced in two pieces, one bearing its fanged maw, the other with its scorpion tail and bat wings, each floating in a different direction. Unfortunately, as anyone who fights the Zerg learns, there are a dozen more for every one that falls. Three more Mutalisks swooped down from above, firing their projectiles into the ship's forward right wing, while a pair of Scourge rammed into the aft of the living starship. Little more than bags of volatile chemicals with wings, the tiny creatures exploded upon contact with Ryo-Ohki's energy shield.
There was a pained "Miiiiyah!" as the cabbit's shield was breached. Ralph chanced a quick glance at a schematic that appeared on one of the floating crystals. He bit back a curse as he saw that the primary thruster was down. With the engine little more than scrap, most of Ralph's control of their path was shot. All that remained was a secondary system woefully inadequate for the mighty task of slowing the ship's descent and a few maneuvering jets.
Ralph immediately angled all of these to act as retro-rockets, and the ship lurched as plumes of exhaust attempted to fight gravity's pull. A weak mewling alerted Ralph to another Scourge attempting to ram his rear. He hit the maneuvering jets, banking the ship onto its right side. The kamikaze alien zipped by, and Ralph fired a burst of energy into its rear. The chemicals within its gut combined, releasing the energy in an impressive explosion. Ryo-Ohki plowed through the fireball, and her damaged right wing was shorn off, causing the craft to list heavily to the left. Even the best pilot couldn't have righted the ship with the damage it had taken, and Ralph wasn't the best. The ship began to corkscrew wildly, rolling end over end as it plummeted towards the Earth. Ryo-Ohki wailed the entire way down.
Ralph yelled, "Brace for impact!"
Minako wailed, "We're all gonna die!"
Ralph responded, "Don't say that! The Force is with us!" The ship began to spin even more rapidly. Please?
Rei muttered sardonically, "More like the force of gravity."
* * * *
Tenchi slid open the screen door, stepping into his house. He was covered in a thin layer of sweat from one of his grandfather's training sessions. As he walked past the living room on his way to the shower, he noticed that most everyone in the house was gazing vacantly at the TV screen. There was also some girl with green hair (Just great. He thought. Another alien chick!) and two men in military fatigues that he didn't recognize. Only his grandfather, who was meditating in the shrine, was absent.
Tenchi queried, "What's on?"
The taller of the strange men turned his head. Boomer said, "Shush. Crocodile Hunter."
Tenchi gasped. "Is that on now?" He ran in, taking a place on the floor next to Ryoko, who didn't even notice his presence.*** "Is this that live episode they've been hyping for a month?"
Lance snapped, "What part of 'Shush. Crocodile Hunter' don't you understand? And yes, it is." The Black Sheep trooper turned his attention back to the TV.
On a river in northwestern Australia, an motorboat floated lazily along. It's three inhabitants, one of whom held a camera, were taking the majesty of the Outback. The motor was not going, as the noise was likely to scare away any wildlife.
Not that there were any animals to film. It seemed as if the news of the "Crocodile Hunter: Live!" special had spread to every animal in the entire Outback, and all had decided that today was a good day to migrate or hibernate or just make themselves scarce.
Steve was currently muttering to himself. "I told those bloody morons that a live episode would be a bad idea. 'The crocs aren't going to come out and do a bleeding Fantasia routine' I said. 'Each episode takes days of travel just to find enough interesting footage to make those lazy morons at home feel like they've gotten a natural experience' I said. But did those buggers listen? NOOOO. 'The audience will love it' they said. Lousy sons of…"
The cameraman, Joe, tapped Steve's shoulder. "Um, Mr. Irwin, you do remember that we're on live, right?"
Steve started. "Oops… heh heh. Just kiddin,' folks." In a more subdued tone, he muttered, "Crikey, I'm screwed."
Then, off to the left, there was a splashing sound. All three turned, to see a reptilian form diving into the water. It went under for a moment, then the green form surfaced and began paddling.
In a tone that was both hushed and ecstatic, Steve said, "Crikey! Well, looks like we got ourselves a monitor lizard. The monitor lizards are the biggest in the world, with the Komodo Dragon at the top of the heap. O' course, we got some pretty big ones 'ere in the Outback. I've seen a lot of these critters before, and this one is a real beaut! Looks to be about 6 feet long. We're going to close in and see what kind we got here."
The third man on the boat, a fairly burly man named Mike, said, "Mr. Irwin, something is off about that lizard."
Steve hissed, "Just shut up and paddle!" Mike shrugged, and did so.
As they closed in, Steve continued his monologue. "Now, there are more monitor lizards 'ere in the outback than anywhere else on Earth, and like I said, they get bigger than anywhere but Komodo." The lizard finally seemed to notice their presence, turning its head slightly to get a good look at its pursuers. Most of its features were obscured by the water. With a powerful stroke of its tail, the lizard spun about and began heading right towards the Crocodile Hunter and his compatriots.
Steve said, "Now this is exiting! Monitor lizards aren't known for attacking people, 'cept fer the dragons, of course. I don't think it's gonna attack, the li'le shela's probably just trying to find out what we are."
Suddenly, the creature leapt from the shallow river, landing in the boat. Steve screamed, "THAT IS NOT A MONITOR LIZARD, MATE!"
The Zergling hissed menacingly. It grabbed Steve and dragged him under the water. His scream of terror became a blubbering sound as he hit the water, which began to take a red tinge.
Mike quickly revved the motor, turned the boat about, and he and Joe began paddling as fast as they could, even as the tiny outboard motor strained to give them as much speed as possible.
* * * *
Back in Japan, Washuu noted, "That is rarely a good sign."
* * * *
For Ralph, the return to the world of the living was not a pleasant one. His entire body ached, and we winced as the sun, which was far too bright today in his opinion, shone right into his eyes. He mumbled, "Where are…"
Ami, who was already using her Mercury Computer, responded, "My GPS system says that we're in Australia."
Ralph staggered to his feet, with Rei already at his side, offering him some physical support as he returned to his senses. "What happened?"
Rei said, "I… I mean we were so worried when you blacked out. When we hit the ground, the spaceship turned into some kind of rabbit thing. We were all pretty stunned by the impact, but you hit your head inside the ship before it changed. We got out at the last second; I think it was waiting until we were clear."
The Jedi nodded. "It wouldn't be any more pleasant for her if we were still inside. How is Ryo-Ohki?"
Minako was currently kneeling over the injured cabbit. She hadn't transformed yet, and several strips of cloth from her t-shirt's sleeves had been ripped for use as makeshift bandages. She answered, "She's hurt pretty bad. It probably needs a vet."
Ralph stepped forward, and almost slipped on the rubbery surface. He looked down, and saw that the soil had been covered in a thick layer of purple… stuff. It was interlaced with a complicated series of veins. "A creep?" Then he noticed a charred, vaguely insectoid form lying a few feet away. "What the…"
Usagi said, "It's one of those things that killed Mamoru." Ralph was surprised that she was saying it in such an even tone. It's like she's talking about ancient history…in a way, she is. She continued, "It attacked us, but Rei managed to toast it."
A thought struck Ralph as he looked at the fallen Zergling. "I'd transform if I were you. In a few minutes, about a thousand of these things are going to come over that hill," he said, indicating a hill to the east.
Rei asked, "What makes you say that? Jedi premonition?"
Ralph said, in a completely flat tone, "No, I've just played this game before…"
End Part 45
Author's Note: Wow! An entire chapter without Phil! I didn't know it could be done.
* On that day, Hephaistus, Greek god of fire and metal working, had had an annoying headache, and the people of Pompeii were partying too loudly for his tastes. The rest is history.
** Bitter rivalries with your counterpart in another pantheon are a generally accepted way for gods to spend their spare time.
***Such is the power of the flickering idol that is television!
Yet another pointless survey:
Who is your favorite character in this story? Anybody featured at all, be they my original creations, plagiarized characters or even minor characters like the red shirted Ensign who ceased to exist in Chapter Two.
