Part 54:

Why Warren's Life Sucks: Chapter 1

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: I don't own most of this. Sorry about the lack of joke; I'm low on funny today.

The headquarters of the Physics Police was roughly the size of a small continent. It was one of the best defended spots in the known multiverse; there were overlapping energy shield generators, massive arrays of both short and long range weapon systems, entire squadrons of fighters continually prepped for launch and over a battalion of Battlemechs were ready to go within five minutes of any perceived attack. Those within lived comfortably, knowing that few were the forces that could threaten them, and fewer were the threatening forces capable of reaching them in their little nook between universes.

Yet, Phil wasn't feeling overly safe at the moment, considering the browbeating that he was receiving.

Chief O'Connor of the Physics Police had to be about the least intimidating man in the universe. Those who knew him described him as a chubby Alec Trebec. When he was in a good mood, he was gentle, more likely to ask you who had invented the cotton gin than he was to raise his voice.

Yet, O'Connor had a temper. A very large and loud temper. A temper that left nobody wondering whether or not he was angry. At his angriest, the man had been read as having a power level of 5,000.

And he couldn't manipulate Chi to save his life, which says something.

So, Phil wasn't feeling to good. He was already kicking himself for losing not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times, a number that didn't even HAVE a nice little word ending in –ice. For losing Ecks. For shaming the Physics Police in general.

O'Connor was doing much the same thing, but far more audibly.

"What the hell were you thinking? Do you have ANY idea what the term EXCESSIVE FORCE means? APPARENTLY NOT! YOU WERE THROWING OUT MORE ENERGY THAN A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT, YOU IDIOT! You caused MILLIONS in property damage, risked millions of lives, and lost an agent! AND YOU FAILED!"

Phil didn't even bother to look up. He had nothing to say.

Ralph cleared his throat. "Chief, to be perfectly fair..."

O'Connor's voice cut in over the top of him. "DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WANTS TO BE PERFECTLY FAIR?" O'Connor leveled a finger at Phil (no, not that one. He was at least being somewhat civil.) "I've let you play hard and fast with the rules before, Phil. Do you want to know why? Because you got results. WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR RESULTS!?"

Now O'Connor's yelling had triggered Phil's defense mechanisms. His aura was glowing a bright blue and was beginning to eat away at the chair at which he sat. In a voice that managed to be soft and have an edge at the same time, he stated, "Chief, we've never run into anyone like this before. Give me another shot, O'Connor, because if you don't, any agent who had even the slightest taint of corruption will return with either a cast or in a body bag. I am your best hope of getting this guy."

"Oh no! I'm not letting YOU loose again! You'll blow up the whole bloody planet! You are OFF this case! I'm sending in Warren."

Phil's aura took a yellow tinge at the mention of his longtime rival. "Warren... WARREN!?" Phil stood up, going fully into the Super Saiyan state. "THAT GOOD FOR NOTHING BASTARD COULDN'T BEAT A JIGGLYPUFF, MUCH LESS ERIK!" For the second time that day, Phil lost his manhood as O'Connor splashed him with a cup of water. "AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

O'Connor leveled a steady glare at the neo-female. "You know the rules; you can't go Super when you have a Y chromosome." The Chief no longer seemed to care. In truth, that hurt Phil's feelings than his anger had; she could deal with anger. Her feeling of utter and complete failure truly stung. "Go ahead, have all the tantrums you like. Please, I insist. Just do it when you aren't in my office; I wouldn't want to have to take any repair costs out of your salary. The door is that-a-way. Now get out. Go back to universe FC-1 and await your next assignment." With that, O'Connor spun his chair around and picked up his cell phone, ignoring his agents.

Phil's hair shifted back to its blue shade as she and Ralph walked down the hall (well, Phil was more stomping while muttering), they bumped into a man walking to O'Connor's office. He was a giant of a man, with a strong musculature and a strong chin. This, combined with his long, blond hair and an eternally intense stare made him resemble male supermodel Fabio. With a thick Austrian accent, he said. "Oh, ecksuze me. I waz not vatching vere I vas goink." He then noticed who had bumped into. And how certain "assets" were very bountiful. The womanizer's libido kicked into gear, forcing a suave tone into his voice. "Oh, hello, Miss. I vould truly like to appoligize. Perhaps dinner at Wuher's cantina?"

Phil would have glared daggers at Warren, had she known such a technique. "Warren, it's me. Phil. Now get the hell out of my way before I kick your ass back to Austria. Verstehst du?"

Warren nodded. "Oh ja, ich verstehe. I forgot Phil, zat you had joined ze fairer zecks." The fact that Phil began to mutter something that sounded like "must control fist of death" didn't deter him. "I hafe zeveral of your, how you say, pin-ups. You are very popular. Now, how divicult waz ze zecks change surgery? Zome of ze guys and I vere curious."

Phil's hair snapped back to its blond color. "YOU MORON! IT'S A JUSENKYO CURSE! It is temporary!"

Warren, completely unfazed by the massive power aimed at him and wishing to cause his rival some discomfort, said, "Vell, I zee that you hafe managed to mezz everything up again, Phil. I suppose that I shall just have to clean up your mess. Vhy don't you go back to fucking your Juraian bitch? It is all zat you are good at."

Phil's response was swift and painful; Warren found himself held by the throat and slammed into a nearby cubicle wall. Somehow, the flimsy surface maintained its integrity. Phil steadily increased the pressure. Slowly, steadily and with great force, she said, "Now. You. Listen. Here. You. Do. Not. Refer. To. Kione. Like. That. Not. If. You. Like. To. Breathe. Am. I. Perfectly. Clear?" Warren managed to nod, and Phil dropped him. His rear hit the ground with a thud. Motioning for Ralph, Phil continued on her way back to the barracks.

Upon arrival, Phil sat down on her cot. Ralph noticed that she hadn't bothered to heat up any water for her cure. Then, he noticed the tears running down her cheeks. "Uh, Phil? Are you OK?"

"Ralph, when did I become the butt of the universe's joke?" She sniffed in a futile attempt to bite back the oncoming tears.

Ralph placed a hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "C'mon Phil. Next time..."

Phil interjected. "And what makes you think that there will be a next time? O'Connor made it clear that he didn't want us on the case. He says that I can't do it. And he's right. I mean, I can't ever win against anyone. You beat Cell, Omi beat Majin Buu and Ecks beat Kerrigan. Even Warren's taking potshots at me." Phil clenched her fists angrily. "No matter how hard I try, I can't ever succeed!" Suddenly, Phil's features seemed to shift. Her face was exactly the same, but Ralph got the impression of another person behind the face. "Squire! I shall not allow thee to give up so easily! Thou shalt not cry like a maiden!" Phil went back to her sad face. "Arthur, in case you didn't notice, I AM a maiden, so shut up and let me have my tears!"

Ralph slapped her across the face, catching Phil completely by surprise. "Stop that right now! I expected it from Ecks, but you!? You are about the strongest person I know, and I don't mean your physical strength! You've never given up before, and I'm not letting you do it now. Your in command, so come up with a plan!"

Phil rubbed her stinging cheek. "Thanks, Ralph. I needed that. Nothing like a little pain to clear the mind." Her face took on a contemplative look. "Just a second... situation is being absorbed... criteria for success being examined... analyzing resources on hand... plan is taking shape... and done."

Ralph blinked. "What was that?"

"Oh, just keeping you informed about my thought process. OK, we try two different routes. One is diplomacy. Seeing as how you're a Jedi and all, that's your department. We insert you into Erik's home universe, you find somebody who can talk him out of his rampage and bring them here."

Ralph nodded. It was a sound plan. "And what are you doing?"

Phil grinned predatorily. "A great general once said that, quote, "If brute force isn't working, you aren't using enough." While you play diplomat, I marshal the forces, so to speak. Now get a move on!" Ralph complied, running for the transport chamber.

A few moments later...

"And that's the whole story." Phil, having become male again, had returned to the Masaki residence and was filling in the trio of future girls. They were currently seated at the dinner table. Phil felt fortunate that the others were out of the house (something about Tenchi being abducted by a bounty hunter. Well, it wasn't any of his business, so he didn't care), because none of them seemed the type capable of handling the thought of a person like Erik.

GoChibi looked slightly sick. She was having difficulty putting her thoughts into words. "This guy... is just... EVIL! I mean, ugh! How could he do that to those people?"

Phil shrugged. "He thinks that he's cleansing the world of an incredible evil, and that the righteousness of his cause gives him free reign to do as he sees fit."

Omi was currently trying to keep her lunch down by drinking some stomach soothing herbal tea. She sipped from her cup. "I believe a certain fellow by the name of Adolf had a similar theory. It didn't work out very well." She placed the cup on the table and cracked her knuckles menacingly. "I vote that we have history repeat itself."

Chibi Ryoko teleported to a cushion opposite Omi. She looked slightly green, because unlike Omi, she hadn't managed to stop her vomit reflex. "God, I can't get the taste out of my mouth! Did you really have to show us those pictures?"

Phil shrugged. "You deserve to know what you were getting into."

Omi raised her hand. "Um, Dad, who said anything about US getting into it? We're with you, and you got kicked off of the case, remember?"

Phil chuckled. "Y'see, Omi, what you fail to understand is that I am O'Connor's best bet, even if he won't acknowledge it. I mean, I got pretty damned close last time, if he hadn't pulled some last minute trick out of his ass like that. Once Warren gets killed or maimed, I don't care which, O'Connor has two options; go in there with a full military action, or send me. Knowing him, he'll go with me." Phil fished a small disk from his pocket. "But we have some spare time until then. Who's up for a game of Smash Brothers?" There was a chorus of "Me's." He smirked. Dealing with children wasn't so hard.

Elsewhere...

Warren was in Bludhaven, a blaster rifle cradled between his hands. And he was scared out of his wits.

Warren was an anomaly among the elite forces of the Physics Police. Because his father was a Sector Commander, a rank that placed him in charge of operations within a twentieth of all creation, a few... inadequacies in his skills were overlooked when he was inducted into the force. Such as, his marksmanship was almost non-existent. He had no ability to lead, and most people tended to compare his intelligence and common sense to the likes of Johnny Bravo and Mihoshi.

On some level, Warren knew this. He was cowardly, and was always running from anything more intimidating than a Pikachu. Only regular application of nepotism kept him from being discharged, and even then only barely.

However, he also loved his job. Because he was always on the move, he could seduce the most beautiful women in the multiverse, leave them behind and never be found. They always fell in love with him, but he didn't care. The most recent conquest, the version of Videl from universe FC-1, was less attractive than his normal fare, but she had been surprisingly... talented. Leaving her behind had been easy, though. He could still remember the look in her eyes when he walked out of her house. It gave him goose bumps, the very idea that someone could need him that much!

Once Ecks had regained consciousness, a Mage in SU10 had used a Detect Magic spell to point Warren in the right direction, and now here he was, atop a nearby building. Using the scope on his blaster, he was focusing in on the abandoned building where she was being held.

Warren was confused. Where was this Vengeance guy? Wasn't he supposed to be guarding his captive, so that Warren could swashbuckle his way in and save the heroine, possibly getting some tail in the process?

"Looking for me?"

Warren whirled, trying to keep his rising fear at bay from the voice which seemed to have spoken right in his ear.

Erik stood about five feet away from him, his arms crossed and his stance relaxed. Warren gulped. As well as being pretty big himself, and having the all-black outfit and cybernetic arm, Erik had an incredible aura of intimidation and power, well honed over years of battles. Warren wanted to run away, but he managed to make himself stay where he was. He had asked for an interesting assignment, and he was going to carry it out, if only to show up Phil.

"Don't move! I hafe you in my sights!" Warren said, aiming the gun "How did you find me?"

"Little thing called motion trackers. My motto always was, be prepared."

Warren looked confused.

"I zhought zat vas ze Boy Scouts' motto."

"The little creeps stole it from me! Remind me to sue!" Erik said. Warren did not like the way he was looking at him, like he was trying to bore a hole in him with his eyes. "You are not Phil, nor were you with him before."

"Phil has been relieved. Now hands up!" Warren said, gesturing with his gun. Erik just continued to look at him.

And then his whole facial statement changed, going from aloof to angry.

"You are not Pure…not Corrupt, but close…you dare treat women like toys? And BE PROUD OF IT!?!?!?"

Warren was extremely rattled. What had he done, read his mind?

"I said hands up!"

"Well, I know who you are now. You are in BIG TROUBLE." Erik hissed, and his left eye glowed red.

"I zink not. I vill shoot!" Warren said, trying frantically to maintain a façade while hiding his incredible desire to run like hell.

"Oh, I think you won't. You see, I know what you're thinking. I have a big gun, and he's five feet away, and if he tries anything I'll just zap him. Well I ask you this, Fabio. Do you think you can put me down before I reach you AND CUT YOU INTO SHISHKEBOB!"

And Erik snapped his talons out. Moonlight glimmered on them.

"Your choice pretty boy. I'm waiting."

Warren decided cowardice was the better part of valor, and pulled the trigger.

Or rather, he pulled the air where the trigger had been. Because the gun was now in Erik's hands. Warren blinked and then gasped as he realized what had happened.

Erik twisted the gun and literally tied it in a knot, and then tossed it away.

"You have chosen…foolishly. My wife was badly hurt by people like you, jackass. BADLY hurt. She still wakes up crying some times. And that makes me mad. You know what I do when I get mad?"

Warren turned and ran for it.

"Hey! Come back! I'm not gonna kill ya! I'm just gonna RIP OFF ONE OF YOUR ARMS AND BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU WITH IT, YOU JACKASS!" Erik roared, giving chase. Fear put wings on Warren's feet as he ran for his life, rounding the corner, not wanting to find out what it was like to get struck by that metal arm. Erik stopped, and then shot a grappling hook up onto the roof and pulled himself up.

Warren ran around the next corner, frantically trying to push the right buttons on his watch.

Which he forgot about the second Erik landed in front of him, having gone up and over the roof while Warren had gone around. Warren stopped dead. Erik brought his talons up, letting more moonlight reflect on them. Warren felt a dim warmth as his bladder failed him. He sure as hell didn't want to find out what it was like to be struck with those things.

Disgust crossed Erik's face.

"Look at you. You're pathetic. Now I know why you're here instead of Phil. You're a pretty boy with connections who played politics when Phil failed to bring me in. What delusion possessed you to think you could deal with me? You're scum." Erik said, cocking his head and looking deeper into Warren, looking for his intentions.

He found them, all right. His features went from angry to furious.

"YOU HEARD MY WIFE WAS HOT AND YOU WANTED TO MAKE TIME WITH HER!?!?!?!?"

In the end, Warren found out there was a worse thing then getting struck by Erik. Getting kicked by Erik.

In Universe FC-1…

GoChibi pressed a few buttons on the Game Cube's controller in quick succession and Mario caught Phil's Samus with the baseball bat. Phil's character flew away from the solid ground on the screen, but close enough that he could easily avoid falling. Yet, he continued his descent, which ended as Samus left the TV screen. GoChibi looked and saw the distracted look on his face. "What is it, Phil?"

Phil didn't know. He had been winning a round of Smash Brothers Melee when he had suddenly felt good. Very good. He didn't know why, but he did.

"I dunno GoChibi. I guess someone did the opposite of walking over my grave."

Back in Bludhaven…

Warren hit the ground hard, in more pain then he'd ever been in his life. He hurt in so many places his brain was short-circuiting trying to register it all. In the fog, he managed to reach to his watch and tap the right buttons as Erik prowled around him.

"Get up!" he heard him hiss.

"Zis is Warren…transport for…someone…help me…"

Erik kicked the watch, breaking it. He reached into Warren's now bloody hair and yanked his head up.

"They say what doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. I think I'll test that theory. Do you want both your arms broken or both your legs?"

Erik didn't let Warren answer, as he immediately slammed his head back into the concrete.

Chief O'Connor couldn't believe what he was seeing.

He'd gotten the call from the transport room. There was trouble. Warren had seemed to make a request for a portal, sounding like he was in great distress. Then it had cut out. They had opened the portal, but Warren hadn't come in. Since he was so "important" (I.e.: His dad would raise holy heck), the people had decided they should call him instead of some normal guards. O'Connor had come, and gone in, to see what had happened.

He was confronted with one of the more gruesome sights he had seen. Blood was everywhere, and in front of him Warren was on the ground, curled into a fetal ball, futilely trying to ward off the blows from an enraged Erik, who was kicking him repeatedly while he was down.

"No-one-lusts-after-my-wife! And-you-don't-treat-women-like-objects. Verstehen Sie, Scheisskopf!?" Erik cursed, punctuating each word with a kick. (Co-Author's Note: For those who don't speak German, what Erik said was the equivalent of "Understand, jackass?")

"HEY! FREEZE!" Chief O'Connor said, trying to reach one of his weapons.

Erik was quicker. The concussive blast took O'Connor in the chest. Feeling mostly like he had been shoved by a giant hand, O'Connor stumbled backwards back into the portal. Erik knew he'd be back in a few seconds, and snapped out his claws. A quick series of light slashes and it was done.

O'Connor emerged from the portal again, looking quite angry. But this time, he was prepared.

Flanking the Chief on either side was a suit of Elemental class Power armor. Each looked to be some kind of demon, given the vaguely head-shaped torso with a missile launcher mounted above the pilot's head. The men within the two and a half meter tall machines were seated within one of the most potent weapons of war ever developed. Although only slightly bigger than a man, each mounted enough armor to take a round from an M1-A1's main gun and survive. Jump jets mounted on the lower rear of each machine were capable of launching the one-ton Elementals ninety meters in any given direction. Their firepower was also formidable, as it was composed of the aforementioned missile rack, a heavy caliber machine gun mounted under the clawlike left hand, while a heavy laser replaced the right.

These weapons spat out bursts of coherent light around Erik. They were only warning shots, though; even with all of his skills, Erik couldn't dodge an attack launched at the speed of light. Still, the rooftop on either side of him was converted into molten metal and was smoking. Even though they had missed him by at least five feet, he still felt the heat from the blasts.

Erik blinked. He could tell from what he'd seen and felt that those lasers were potent. Well, he'd wasted enough time here, and if Warren survived or didn't go insane (and quite frankly, Erik didn't care if neither occurred), he might actually come out of this a better man. Life was tough, and it was beat or be beaten.

Erik barely dodged away from another laser, letting a smoke grenade fall into his hand.

"This is my LAST WARNING! STAY OUT OF MY AFFAIRS!" Erik yelled, and tossed the grenade. Thick smoke enveloped him, and by the time it cleared he was long gone.

O'Connor didn't care. He was too busy trying to help Warren. No one noticed the message Erik had slashed onto his vest until later.

PATHETIC.

Erik collected himself, and was a picture of normality as he returned to Ecks' room. The Senshi stared at him.

"So, what were you doing?"

"Just taking out some trash." Erik pulled a chair out from under a table and sat on it backwards, facing Ecks. "Now, where were we?" She remained silent. "Who do you work for? And please, no obscenities involving my mother this time. She was a good woman."

"The Physics Police."

"Really. Well physics are quite vague. What is it exactly that you police?"

Ecks inhaled deeply. "Well..." She seemed to be considering her words carefully.

After nearly a minute of this, Erik was growing impatient. "C'mon woman, out with it!"

"Under Article 17 of the Geneva Conventions, I am only required to give you my first name, rank, date of birth and serial number. The nature of my organization doesn't fall under that category. Also, no torture, either physical or mental, may be applied to gain such information. So tough noogies!"

Erik blinked. He hadn't expected her to pull that. Then again, it didn't particularly matter. He unsheathed his talons. "And you expect me to respect international law more than national law... why? In fact, you are expecting me to respect any laws other then my own?" Ecks had closed her eyes and was attempting to become invisible. Erik had moved the chair away and was pacing in front of her. "Very well. So long as we're on the subject, what is your name, and your rank? I'd inquire about your date of birth, but it isn't polite to ask that of a lady."

Ecks opened one eye. Seeing that he wasn't launching any kind of attack, she breathed a sigh of relief. In a completely even tone, she said, "My name is Junsuina, and my surname Mujaki, but most people call me Ecks. My rank is that of Field Agent, second class. Now, do you want my serial number too, you crazy son of a bitch?"

Erik waved a finger, as if he was chastising a child. "Eh eh eh. What did I say about obscenities? And are you aware how big of a pun your name is?"*

Ecks glared. "My mother was a very interesting person. Now, you might as well let me go! Any second now, a strike force is gonna bust in that window and save me!"

Erik snorted. "I already dealt with them. It was incredibly easy. And if they send another, I'll deal with them too. I've seen how you people work." Ecks seemed to sink into her chair, defeated. "Now, care to tell me a bit more about your organization?" He began to pop his talons in and out of their housings in an unnerving fashion.

Ecks asked, "Is there any way I'll be able to talk you out of your killing spree if I do?"

In a very sarcastic tone, he said "Perhaps." Left unsaid what, "And perhaps Earth shall be struck by a meteor made of chocolate chip ice cream attracted by the flaming monkeys flying from my ass."

Ecks closed her eyes again. "Then I have nothing to say to you, you raving lunatic."

"You know, there's no need to be nasty."

"Bite me! You're nuts! I saw what you do to people! How could you do that to that man, with the needles…"

"Ah, that piece of shit? Why do you care?"

"BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT SORT OF THINGS TO PEOPLE!" Ecks blurted, trying not to tear up as she remembered. Erik sighed and sat down again.

"People like you are not supposed to see those things. Then again, perhaps it is better if you did. Innocence never lasts forever."

"What do you mean, people like me?"

"Good people. People who just want to live a peaceful life. Life, liberty and the pursuit of individual happiness as the USA put it. People like you don't have the mental design to accept things like what you saw. The people I hunt…THEY'RE supposed to see it. So they can know that their crimes will not go unpunished."

"But…you can't…it's not right…"

"Not right?"

Erik stood up and walked over, putting his face right in Ecks'.

"That bastard had runners in middle school. He tricked, cajoled, and literally forced some people into throwing away their lives for the drugs he sold. He hurt, he killed, he destroyed people's lives, all for money, and he didn't give a damn. Are you saying THAT IS RIGHT!?!?!??!?!"

Ecks looked away.

"Like I said, you are not of this world I inhabit. You could never understand."

"I don't have to. You're crazy. I could never think of a reason to do something like you did…what you do."

Erik looked reflective for a second.

"How much do you know about me?"

"Plenty!" Ecks bluffed.

"Then let me demonstrate something. Release chair restraints."

The manacles suddenly popped out of the chair. Ecks blinked.

"Stand up."

Ecks felt fear race through her. What was he gonna do? Worse, what wouldn't he do if he was displeased?

"Don't be scared, I'm not going to hurt you. Stand up."

Ecks did so, reluctantly.

"Do you know martial arts?"

"A thing or two."

"Fine. I'm going to demonstrate something. Don't worry, I won't hurt you." Erik repeated. He took a few steps back and assumed a combat stance.

"This is a disabling combo based in the kick boxing style."

Erik shifted and slowly raised his right leg, doing a kick in slow motion.

"It begins with a roundhouse to the side of the head. Proper way is to hit with the shin. Masters can do this combo with the impact that the kick…" Erik's leg tapped the side of Ecks' head. "Feels like you're being struck with a crowbar. You ever been hit by a crowbar, X?"

"No. And it's ECKS."

"Fine. I have. It isn't pleasant. That's the first step. Second, while the opponent is reeling…"Erik slowly reached out and grabbed Ecks. "You drive a knee into the torso." Erik did that, also in slow motion. "This has multiple reasons. It winds the opponent; causes a great deal of pain, and can inflict massive internal injuries. Now, those two blows, let alone the first, would floor just about any man. However, if the opponent is still standing, the final move is this… "

Erik let Ecks go, reared back with his left arm, and shoved his elbow forward, stopping it in front of Ecks' face.

"Elbow strike. You have to do it right, which is to act like the elbow is a stump, you have no hand and forearm, just the elbow. This blow has a great reputation for being fatal. If your opponent is human, and still standing, after taking those three blows, he or she DESERVES to kick your ass."

"What's the point?"

"Just this. If you know me, you must know about Vagane. When he was…designing me, he brought in a professional kickboxer, Muai Thai, a true badass. And he made me take that combo, over, and over, and over, until it didn't knock me down. If I went down, he shocked me until I got back up. It took me two months before I could endure the first blow. Six months until I could take it all. Then Vagane gave the kickboxer metal bands, to attach to his limbs, and started it all over. That took four more months. All the while, Vagane stood, in the background, laughing, enjoying my pain…like it was a grand game to him. I was 12 years old."

Ecks stared, thinking about that. A slow feeling of nausea roiled in her guts.

"That's why I do what I do. Because there are people like Vagane, out there. Lots of them. Preying on people like you. And loving it. I will not allow it. For their crimes, they will die. For their enjoyment, they will suffer. Vengeance will be done, for the living and the dead, the unscarred and the ruined. They deserve it. On all fronts."

There was silence.

"You're even more insane then I thought." Ecks finally said, although even she felt a bit for Erik now. She had read in his files that he had suffered, but hearing it from him…

Erik frowned. "Insanity. Such an overused term. You know that in clinical studies, the only people who were ever 100 percent sure of their sanity were the truly insane? So basically Ecks, if I can question my sanity, I can't be insane because I would have to be sane in the first place to be able to do it. Then again, the Chinese defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Just something to think about while I meditate." He assumed a crouching position, and it seemed as if he was blocking out all of existence.

Ecks sat there, feeling the utter futility of her situation. She knew that even if she could break the restraints on her chair, they probably had some kind of sleeping gas dispenser or would give her a nasty shock. Also, she wondered what the hell he'd been talking about.

* * *

Blockbuster was currently seated in the rear quarters of an older model military helicopter. Having done its duty during operation Desert Storm, the aging machine was due to be scrapped. However, a few million dollars in the right places had ensured that the chopper would be recorded in all official files as scrapped, when in fact it had simply been hidden beneath the refuse of a trash barge and covertly shipped to one of Blockbuster's many safe houses. It lacked any of the missiles, since those were rarely scrapped, but its autocannon were still in place, and a few more deals ensured that they always had a full ammo load.

Since his earlier tactic staying in one spot had blown up on him (literally), he was now doing the opposite; by staying constantly on the move, he hoped to elude his pursuer. Since his limousine had picked him up at the remains of the office, he had transferred onto two cars (it was fortunate he had decided to have more then one made that accommodated his very large frame), a boat and a motorcycle (again, specially designed for his dimensions. He always thought ahead). Finally, he had decided that he would be safest within the well armored hull of the helicopter.

He ground his teeth. All of this hiding shouldn't have been necessary. He was Roland Desmond, and this was his town! He'd worked for years to get to his position, and by God, he was going to keep it!

Of course, that was going to be difficult. Vengeance had managed to smash his entire chain of command rather effectively. Now he was being forced to micromanage all of his operations throughout the city, which was significantly decreasing the effectiveness of his search parties.

Then again, perhaps his underlings were simply being wary. Odds were that Vengeance had already been spotted, but his reputation was such that nobody wanted to go after him.

So, all they needed was some persuasion...

He pulled a new cell phone from his pocket. He pressed the speed dial and waited a moment. "Hello? Yes, it's Desmond. I have a new bounty to put out. A million dollars to the man who can bring me the head of this Vengeance character... yes, you heard me. A million. No, I don't think it's "an awful lot for one guy," as you so eloquently put it. Spread the word quickly." Not even bothering to say goodbye to the man, he cut the connection. His right fist met his left hand and he began to rub his knuckles. By tomorrow, both vengeance the abstract concept and Vengeance the man would be his.

Meanwhile...

Ralph was, all things considered, not having a good time.

The lack of information on the AK-BH7-8363-LE universe had caused him a few problems. Specifically, that there were monsters in it. Lots of them. Large ones. Nasty ones. All in all, lots of large, nasty monsters. A half hour after his arrival, he finally found a path in the forest he had materialized in and used it, his Jedi robes splattered with blood (How was he supposed to know that thing's head would explode when he used Force Push on it?).

Once on the path, no more creatures attacked him, and he had quickly found a town. Apparently the Legacy world bore a resemblance to an RPG game. The wild world was filled with nasty creatures, but towns were safe havens (protected, he found out later, by a variety of defenses that ranged from guards to technology to magic to guards armed with technology and magic. It was quite a versatile world).

New problem. While everyone in the town knew of the Legacy (they had saved the world), no one seemed to know how to find any of them (most of them only knew Erik as "the nasty guy in black", much less that he had recently gotten married). Lacking any specific tracking devices. Ralph had had to go on directions to a town called Oriam, where a Legacy member was said to live on a full time basis (someone called Paul, or Wyred, but Ralph assumed that was his codename) and where some of the others hung around.

It had been an interesting trip. He had hitched a ride part of the way on a hay cart, and had made the rest of the trip on a hover car. This world was a patchwork quilt, all right. (Then again, what did you expect when the world is reshaped by six billion people all trying to remake it in their image, along with an evil god-like entity trying to screw up as many of those wishes as possible).

Oriam was a technical marvel, with incredibly advanced technology across the board. Finding our Paul's location was easy. The bad news was, he was out, and his wife wouldn't let Ralph in. Cursing, Ralph had gone back into the city for more information. A stroke of luck finally came his way, as he finally found another Legacy member, a curvaceous and busty redhead, in one the many bars in the outside of the city. Her name was Chastity, AKA Jalapeno, a pyrokenetic with a taste for free love. However, judging by the swords she had near her and the whip tied under her dress, only as free as she wanted to be.

Ralph, deciding to be direct, had been as nice as possible, as Chastity had a habit of setting men who annoyed her on fire, and he had no idea how she would react to him (and it was hard not to stare at her. Her dress was so tight Ralph expected it to split every time she inhaled, and her skirt was so short the only thing it didn't seem to show was her nationality). Fortunately, Chastity had reacted favorably to his niceness (a little too favorably, as she came onto him several times. How this girl managed to be such a slut without being slutty…)

"Erik's causing trouble? What else is new?" Chastity said. She finished off whatever beer she was drinking and ordered another one "Well, good luck talking him out of it sweetie. Once he gets started, it's pretty much his way or the highway. Even I couldn't talk him out of it, and he considers me a friend."

Ralph sighed. "Is there ANYONE who would be opposed to him causing chaos in a place where he doesn't belong?"

"Probably leader boy, but he wouldn't listen to Ash. He'd just chastise him for being naïve and go back to whatever he was doing. However, he might listen to Ash's wife. It's his sister."

"Great! Where is she?"

"Well, last I heard, she was with Ash dealing with some problem in the Thuyoa Mountains. Good luck getting there though. It's nearly halfway across the world."

Ralph was tempted to order a beer himself.

"Look, you guys apparently really want Erik out of wherever he is. My advice, go talk to…"

"Celeste, yes. Well, the problem is, I have no idea where she IS…"

"Raven? She's probably home, waiting for her man. She doesn't like to go out without him. From what I heard she was kind of upset when Erik ran off in the first place to help Paul and Laura test the Gateway…guess that's how he wound up in your town, huh?" Chastity took a long sip of beer.

"Uh, yeah. Got directions?"

"I'll draw you a map. Just be warned, Erik has a lot of enemies, so his home is rather heavily defended. I believe the current password is…what was it…oh yeah. Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday."

Ralph stared.

"He needed three words you most likely wouldn't say together in casual conversation. You want that map or not, sugar?" Chastity said, putting on a Southern Belle accent for the last words.

Ralph escaped with the map and his oath to the Jedi unbroken, although Chastity had made quite the tempting offer to break it. And so here he was.

And it appeared Chastity had been a bit off, as he had found no path, just more forest. But he saw the mountain Chastity had marked and had had no choice but to forage on. At least there were no monsters in the forest. Erik was a very effective exterminator.

And so he forged on, pushing through clumps of bushes and slapping at bugs.

Until the tree he had thought was just a tree opened up and a large gun on a twisting arm popped out and aimed itself at his face. At point blank range. Ralph's eyes widened.

"Password please." The gun "said".

"Uh…"

"Password please."

Oh yeah. "Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday!"

The gun seemed to think it over.

"Password incorrect. Location suggests hostile intent. Proper methods being followed." The gun said, and fired.

Into another tree, as Ralph Force Pushed the gun aside. Before it could reorient on his position he sliced it off with his lightsaber.

An alarm went off, and more trees, boulders, and the ground itself began popping open, disgorging more weapons that opened fire on Ralph. Ralph dove behind a tree.

"Goddamn it Chastity! First bad directions and now the wrong password!" Ralph cursed. Well, a bunch of guns was no match for the Force.

And Ralph proved his point, using it and his Lightsaber to leap from place to place and disable weapon after weapon. A new batch popped up, but this group had laser weapons, and Ralph put the final scene in Attack of the Clones to shame as he deflected the fire away from him and (most of the time) back into the guns.

Ah, woodlands. Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints and a whole bunch of scrap metal…

A dark shadow flashed near the outside of his vision. His eyes widened as a pair of daggers seemed to appear out of nowhere and fly at his head.

He Force-stopped them at the last second, the pointed tip of the wicked blades six inches from his eyes. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Which gave the dark shadow time to leap over him, bounce off a tree, and kick him in the back. Hard.

Ralph flew forward, ducking his head to avoid the floating daggers, which tore through his hood instead. He rolled about twenty feet before he hit another tree. Ow. What was that, a wrecking ball?

"Who are you, and why are you trying to sneak up behind my house?" a female voice said. Ralph managed to untangle his robes enough to see the source of the voice as she plucked her daggers from the air Ralph had left them floating in. "Please do tell. I won't miss next time."

Yep, it was her. Erik's wife Celeste was a tall and very attractive brunette who was said to be just as deadly as her husband. Her hair was incredibly long, cascading all the way down past her waist, and somehow looked stylish no matter the situation, a genetic gift most women would kill for. She had the same talent as her husband of telling Pure and Corrupt (stolen from him, actually), and wore a similar outfit. However, while he preferred talons and his swords, Celeste was known for her daggers and her incredibly powerful kicks. Ralph had just had a demonstration of the last one.

"Celeste?"

"You know my name?" Celeste said.

"Yeah. Just scan me. You'll see you have…no reason to attack me…"

Celeste looked at Ralph, and the resemblance to Erik as she did so was scary.

"You're Pure…oooooooops." Celeste said, blushing. 'Er, I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?"

"Just my bones…and organs." Ralph said, wincing as his back ached.

"Sorry…but if you are Pure, why didn't you just come in the front?"

"Isn't THIS the front?"

"No, this is the back."

Ralph cursed inwardly. He should have known Chastity couldn't have drawn accurate directions while she was flirting with him! She'd reversed the directions!

"I…thought I knew the password. Wasn't it Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday?"

"No, it was Peppermint MUFFIN Doomsday. You got your directions from Chastity, didn't you?"

Twenty minutes later, Ralph was in a comfortable abet dark living room, resting his back as Celeste brought him some tea.

"Now what can I do for you, Mister…"

"Ralph. It's about your husband…"

"Oh god, he's not dead is he?" Celeste blurted.

"Um, no…well, I'll try to explain…" That explanation took forty minutes. Celeste listened intently the whole time. When it was done, she sat back and suddenly slapped her forehead.

"Erik! You stubborn, good-intentioned jackass! Sometimes I swear I'm gonna kick his ass for these tangents he runs off on…except I understand where he's coming from."

"I figured." Ralph said. Reports said Celeste was just as merciless when it came to the Corrupt as Erik, and she had an impressive body count herself.

"You just have to understand. To him it's like the pleasant feeling you get from a good deed and the euphoria of a drug all rolled into one. Ahhh, bad people, slash chop cut! More bad people! Hack, maim, rip!" Celeste said, illustrating her words with dagger moves that made Ralph queasy. "I guess you want me to talk him out of it."

"Yes. Can you? Will he listen to you?"

"I can twist the situation so that he comes with you willingly…but you'd better let me talk to him myself. He sees you, he'll think you brainwashed me into doing it or something, and he will be very unhappy. VERY unhappy." Celeste said. 'When do we leave?"

In Bludhaven…

"I have to go to the bathroom." Ecks said from her chair. Erik opened one of his eyes from where he had been sleeping/meditating, looked at her, and then raised his right arm. "Release chair restraints."

The interlocking parts that had bound Ecks' manacled hands to the chair she was sitting it popped open, and Ecks could move. He hadn't chained her feet, and it was obvious why when her lone attempt to kick had had him grab her foot and calmly put it down, with a "Please don't do that again." He was just too quick for her.

"It's over there." Erik said, and went back to whatever he was doing. "Oh Ecks, just so you know, those manacles have a sensor in them that's linked to my arm. You get too far away from me, those things will release a powerful sleeping gas that WILL knock you out, even if you hold your breath. So just be sensible."

"Why? You aren't you nutty killing freak…" Ecks muttered as she trudged to the bathroom.

"I heard that." Erik said. A few moments later Ecks came out of the bathroom.

"How am I supposed to…go to the bathroom…like this?" Ecks said, holding up her hands, which could only extend about a foot from each other with the length of chain she had.

"Lengthen chain." Erik said. A compartment opened and more chain was added to the length, to where Ecks could move her arms easily. "Don't do anything dumb."

Ecks didn't bother. She knew she couldn't sneak up on Erik anyway. She did her business and went back to the chair. Her restraints resumed their previous shape.

"When are you gonna let me go?" Ecks said a few minutes later.

"Eventually." Erik said, and left it at that. Ecks' repeated attempts to get more out of him were met only was silence. Ecks finally gave up and sulked. He apparently had used up all his chattiness earlier.

"I'm hungry." She said some time later. Erik opened one eye again.

"Come to think of it, so am I." Erik said. He stood up. "I'll be back in a bit. Don't go anywhere."

'Ha ha." Ecks said to the now empty room. She sighed. She had long ceased to be worried, it was clear Erik wasn't going to hurt her. Instead, she had fallen prey to another foe: boredom. Left with nothing else to do, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

A hand on her arm opened her eyes.

"Erik I…OH!" Ecks said. It wasn't Erik's face she was looking into. It was another man, a man whose eyes were covered by a mask that left them blank pupils. Still, she could tell he meant her no harm either.

"Shhhhhhhhhh." Nightwing said, putting his finger to his lips. "Don't know if this place is bugged. You hurt?"

Ecks shook her head.

"Good. Now let's get you out of here…"

Elsewhere, Erik climbed up to the rooftop and headed off to find a store that was open. He was cautious not to be seen.

However, with the amount of eyes that were looking for him that night, it was inevitable that he would be spotted. And eventually he was. A figure watched him bound off and pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"I got him Sai! Call Mr. Desmond. I want to be sure we get our money as soon as possible."

A few minutes later…

Ralph had come back to chaos.

The buzz had been audible even when he had re-emerged from the Legacy world, Celeste in tow. The buss had exploded into full-out pandemonium as he walked down the hallway.

He heard bits and pieces of various stories, and eventually he pieced it together. Warren had failed his assignment, failed badly, and now his father was on a tear, lashing out at anyone he could. In the end it was HIS fault, Ralph knew that. (Warren had insisted on something new, and his father had handed him the assignment that had given Ralph and his companions so much trouble, assure in the ignorant bliss that was love sometimes that his son could use that information gathered to succeed. A move of incredible stupidity, but that was the way love was), but he wasn't going to dwell on that when he could ream someone else's rear end. So everyone was either on edge or running somewhere, hoping to escape, or take advantage of the situation, or trying to keep their own position safe, or just trying to get out of the way. It wasn't fun.

Neither was the fact he had to keep grabbing Celeste as she took in some new being or situation and stopped to watch. He had given her a basic rundown on just how complex the PP Headquarters was, but hearing and seeing were two different things.

"You can sightsee later! C'mon!" Ralph said.

"Sorry." Celeste said. "What the heck is going on anyway?"

Ralph gave her his theory as they walked, heading nowhere in particular. Trouble would find them sooner or later.

"Well, if my husband beat up or killed this Warren, he probably deserved what he got." Celeste said matter-of-factly.

"Tell that to his father."

"I will." Celeste said. Ralph marveled at the girl. Like the husband, she was almost impossible to intimidate.

Ralph figured he had better find Phil soon. He didn't want to be alone if Celeste proved to be anywhere near as nuts as the man she loved.

Phil felt bad, and didn't like himself for it.

When he had come back to Headquarters, the girls in tow, the news had at first made him jubilant. Warren had been trashed, and trashed quite severely. It vindicated everything he had said, and might even lead to the incompetent's hentai's dismissal.

The good mood had faded as the realities became clear. Warren's dad, Jacob, had a lot of power. He could very well order a full army of Physics Police into the DC Universe to apprehend the man who had done this to his son. That was bad enough. But with Erik's track record, what he could do to that army was even worse. After all, why trash a city when you can trick an army into doing it for you…

In fact, when Phil had peeked in where Warren was being treated and saw his father nearby, quite clearly very upset, he even felt sorry for the poor fool. He didn't deserve it, but he couldn't help it. Then Jacob's grief had turned to anger, and Phil had made tracks before he was run over. His Chief hadn't been so lucky, but Phil would rather have the result of Warren's beating trickle down to him then bear the full brunt of it.

And so Phil and his girls had joined the various hordes milling around the tense PP Headquarters, until luck or fate (probably the latter, the former seemed to loathe Phil) caused him to run into Ralph. Literally.

"Nice to see you again sir." Ralph said. "Could you please get your hand out of that…"

Phil scrambled up. Ralph got to his feet.

"Phil, this is Celeste, Erik's wife. She agreed to help us corral her husband." Ralph said. Phil wasn't sure what to do, so he just sized her up. She definitely looked like the type to marry a nut job like Erik.

"You're married to that guy? Honey, maybe you find him great fun, but he's an utter lunatic. He'll break your heart and probably rip it out." Omi suddenly said, trying to sound mature and wise. The amused look Celeste gave the young girl showed she had failed, as she knelt down a bit and looked at Omi.

"Sweetie, perhaps you mean well…but you see, the people Erik and I kill…they eat little girls like you. Some literally, and most in ways that are just as horrible. Some even more so. It's easy to brand my husband as crazy. But it's not that way. And you are not the type to understand."

"I understand your husband." Phil said. "Some people think outside the box. Your husband doesn't even have a box."

"You understand him?" Celeste said.

"Yes!"

"How well?"

"Quite well!"

"Oh really? Have you had sex with him?"

"What? No! What does…" Phil said, growing embarrassed for some reason.

"I'd say I trump you then." Celeste said.

"But…how…look lady! They say love is blind, and that's obvious with you! Nothing can redeem what your husband does! He's…he's just…"

Celeste cocked her head.

"Ralph says you have files on us. Did you read Erik's file?"

"Yes!"

"Not well enough, it seems, or you might understand. My husband didn't ask for what he suffered. No one deserves what happened to him…or what happened to me…perhaps not even the Corrupt. But it happened. The powers that be let it happen. And this is the result. I love my husband, I always will, but I can say this without any personal issues. The world made us, and perhaps we are what the world needs…or if not so, deserves."

Phil was going to continue the argument when Ralph coughed, and Phil turned to see Chief O'Connor standing behind him. He quickly did a double-take and went into Obedient Physic Policeman mode. It was mostly a façade and the Chief knew it, but he did it anyway.

"Chief! Uh, how is Warren?"

"He'll live. Now before you say it, yes, you told me so. If it had been my decision I never would have stood for it. And yet now it is somehow my fault…Phil, you are back on the case."

"Yes sir! Uh sir, I did some research while I was…resting. This is Celeste, the target's wife, she said she…"

"SHE will stay right here." O'Connor said, his tone suddenly angry. Celeste suddenly looked perturbed. "Jacob was quite…upset with this little debacle. His fellow Sector Commander's have managed to talk him out of sending half the forces there. Instead, you will go. You seemed to have had a premonition of this, as you have brought your young charges. Bring them. Bring this Erik back…and if it's beaten to a pulp…so much the better. But you didn't hear this from me."

Phil looked grimly satisfied.

"Um, excuse me, maybe I misheard but this man brought me here to try and reign my husband in, and now it seems you are telling him to instead beat him up…" Celeste began.

"YOUR HUSBAND IS A MONSTER! AND HE DESERVES EVERYTHING HE GETS!" O'Connor suddenly roared, getting right in Celeste's face. Celeste didn't even blink. Ralph couldn't help but admire the girl. She's got guts…but maybe at the cost of sanity…

Celeste stared at O'Connor, and then she smiled slightly.

"Very well then. Go and try." Celeste said, and turned on her heel. "I'll be waiting."

O'Connor gestured to two men to follow the walking woman, and then turned back to Phil.

"They'll keep an eye on her. Now Phil, do you understand?"

"Yes sir. But one more question. What happened to Ecks?"

O'Connor paled slightly.

"Good lord, I forgot all about her."

End Part 54

* Note from BobCat: A no prize goes to the person who can tell me what Ecks' name means!