Part 60

Boomer 'n Lance Interlude II:

Laughter, Tears and Just Desserts

By BobCat (Ash isn't in on this one.)

Disclaimer: To quote the Matrix, "The spoon is not real." If the spoon is not real, this must also apply to forks and knives. It isn't much of a stretch to assume that pens are also not real. Then obviously, if the pen is not real, then the copyright contracts signed with the pen are not real. So, the copyright for whatever I'm borrowing is up for grabs. 

*********

Proposition: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will sit ina boat and drink beer all day.

Proposition: If you give a pink demon a ride in the Fantasti-Car, he will get from Point A to Point B quickly and efficiently. If you teach the pink demon to drive the Fantasti-Car, he will perform a nose-dive into the Pacific Ocean.

At the moment, Fire Team Sigma and Majin Buu were finding what happened when the two were combined. Fortunately for all involved, Reed Richards had thought to make the Fantasti-car with several rafts aboard. It was even greater luck that the rafts were sturdy enough to support the mass of three men in Battle Armor and Fat Buu.

A thick fog cut effective visibility to less than ten meters, and the four castaways were amusing themselves in their own way. Lance slept, while Boomer heartily followed the first proposition. He always carried his rod and tackle with him in his armor. Lance wasn't clear where Boomer had found this equipment, but hadn't thought to ask, mainly because he always kept a keg handy and alcohol has a tendency of impairing curiosity. Cypress was huddled in the corner of the craft, cradling his rifle while muttering insanely. Buu was turning any solid object that floated into

view into candy. Thus far, they had managed to avoid

the ravages of cabin fever.

Cypress stroked his gun. "Yessss, that's right, my precious. The tricksy Buu-ses try to take you away from us, but we is too tricksy for the Buu-ses! Yes, precious!"

Well, maybe not Cypress.

Lance snorted a few times, and awoke with a start. "Aah!"

Buu was munching on a candy bar made of driftwood. "What wrong, Lance?"

Lance replied, "I just realized that I have no ideawhat waking with a start is, or even what it really looks like!"

Buu licked his gloved fingers of what chocolate remained. "Buu think it some literary thing. Like 'half-expecting' something. How someone only half-expect something? You either expect it, or you don't. Buu confused."

Boomer attempted to shush them. "You're scaring away the fish!" He leaned back and took another swig from his bottle.

Cypress bolted upright. "Argh! I can't take it anymore! How long have we been out here?"

Lance checked his watch. "Ten minutes."

Cypress sighed and went back to his crouching and muttering.

Lance whispered to Buu, "I don't know how much longer he can take this! This is the longest in year's he's gone without shooting something and/or something! If he snaps, we're all doomed." Lance thought about is audience. "Well, maybe not you, but still!"

"How about Buu turn him into chocolate?"

Lance snorted. "No, then we'd have to deal with his next of kin."

"What wrong with that?"

"Are you kidding!?" Lance shuddered. "His mom is an Elvin arch-druid, and his dad is Canadian! If they found out we killed their son and fed it to a character from Dragonball, we wouldn't survive the night!"

"Oh."

Boomer was happily snoozing away, holding the rod. Suddenly, the line went taught, and the black haired man sprang into action. He began reeling like a man possessed. The fish fought long and hard, but Boomer eventually got the better of it.

Lance looked over the fish with an appraising matter. "Kinda scruffy, but a decent size."

The fish released the hook and flopped onto the floor of the raft. It shook itself dry, and said, "Miaa!"

Buu scratched his chin. "Buu no think that a fish."


Boomer, who had had a little too much to drink, snorted. "If I worried about what I caught fishing, I'd never get anything caught!"

Cypress's stomach growled. "Whatever that freakish rabbit-thing is, let's eat it!" He brought his sniper rifle out and began loading in a fresh ammunition clip.

Ryo-Ohki was decidedly scared. First she had gone out for a nice swim. Then she had caught sight of Boomer's lure, which happened to resemble a carrot, and bit down. And now, after a long battle with a hook embedded in her cheek, here she was, with people threatening to eat her! "Mia!" She quickly ran behind Boomer.

Boomer grabbed Ryo-Ohki and hefted her by the scruff of her neck. "You're a lucky little rabbit-fish; you're under the weight limit. Back you go!" With a flick of his wrist, the poor cabbit went skipping across the water and out of sight.

Meanwhile, Lance was deep in thought. He snapped his fingers. "Wait a second. I recognize that thing!"

Boomer raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

Lance nodded emphatically. "Yeah! Remember that target buoy that turned into a spaceship and flew off?"

Boomer snapped his armored fingers. "That's right! I knew that thing was familiar." Suddenly, something dawned upon Boomer. "Hey Lance, I don't think we're in the Pacific. I think we're just in the pond in front of the Masaki's."

"Explain."

Boomer pulled out a small chalkboard and quickly drew up a perfect anatomical drawing of a cabbit. "Observe the anatomy of the little beast. It is not well adapted for water travel. First off, it has to get a lot of drag from its ears, whiskers and fur, making swift movement difficult, and diving nigh impossible. Secondly, its hind legs are large enough to provide a good thrust, but it would require webbed feet to truly take advantage of its paddling potential." Boomer put the chalkboard back where he had gotten it from, wherever that was. "Thus, as the species, Cabbiticus Copyrightus-Pioneerus, lacks the necessary adaptations for an aquatic existence, we can thusly conclude that it is a terrestrial organism. Can we agree on this point?"

"Buu's head hurt."

"I will take that as a yes."

Lance patted his companion on the head. "There there, big guy. Hey, is that driftwood over there?"

Buu leapt up excitedly. "Buu turn into chocolate!"

Lance turned back to Boomer. "Yes, I do believe we have ruled out the idea of the Cabbit as a

water-living organism. Your point?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. If we WERE in the ocean, it would be unlikely that we would come across a Cabbit. Thus, we must not be in the ocean."

Lance considered this turn of events. "Hmmm…intriguing. So, hypothetically, we could just paddle over to shore, if you took off our armor first."

Cypress interrupted his insane mutterings. "Actually, our Grey Death suits are airtight. If we

are on a lake instead of an ocean, then we could walk across the bottom to shore without worrying about pressure buildup."

Lance whirled his finger around his head, indicating their surroundings. "But we got a new battery for my watch, and it says that it's noon. Fog usually

dissipates after morning on land, while it can be a constant companion on the open sea. If we aren't at sea, where's all this coming from?"

*************

On the shore…

"…so you see, Tenchi, my new "Fog in a Can" invention will revolutionize film-making as we know it, allowing directors to use actual fog instead of fakey dry ice!"

Tenchi scanned the pond. "Wow, Washuu! That stuff's as thick as pea soup! Great job!"

Washuu whistled a happy song and went back into the house. "Still have to make a few improvements, though. It doesn't dissipate for days. See ya, Tenchi!"

*************

Buu finally finished his gigantic hunk of chocolate. "Yum! That's tasty!"

Cypress' eye twitched as a realization finally dawned on him. "Hey wait! That useless pink blob can fly, right? Well, why don't we just have it carry us to the shore!?"

Lance scratched his chin. "Huh. I hadn't ever thought of that. Funny how your mind works in a

crisis, isn't it? Hey Buu, mind getting this dingy back to shore?"

As Buu got in the water to start paddling them back to shore, Cypress went back to his corner to mutter and clean his rifle.

Suddenly, Lance had a flash of insight. "Hold up, Buu. Cypress, who even WANTS to go back!?"

There was a loud splash as Cypress leapt off of the raft, temporarily unbalancing the craft. Lance

shrugged. "Well, that answers THAT question."

Buu got out of the water and proceeded to shake himself off while grumbling. "Get in water, Buu. Get out of water, Buu. Why can't friends make up their minds? Buu just getting wet for no good reason!"

Lance patted Buu on the shoulder. "Hey, sorry about that big guy. Howza 'bout a Brewski?"

Buu nodded emphatically and grabbed the bottle from Lance's hand. "Mmmm! Buu like! Buu like!"

Boomer was suddenly roused from his state of fishing Zen. "Hey, do you hear that?"

Lance queried, "Hear what?"

Boomer pointed up. "From up there. You know that sound in the cartoons when something's falling fast? It's like that, but bigger."

Lance nodded. "Yeah, I hear it. I wonder what it is."

Boomer, Lance and Buu all looked up. A Galaxy Police Cruiser was less than ten meters away from them and falling fast. All three said the same thing at the same time:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (GLURBLE)!"

On shore, Tenchi heard a great impact out on the water. He strained to see through the shroud of Washuu's artificial fog. Then, all at once, the cloud was blown away in all directions by a massive shockwave. Tenchi was knocked off of his feet by the impact, and landed with all the grace of a sack of potatoes tied to a brick.

He groaned as he rose to his feet. "Oi weh. My aching spine…" His eyes widened when he saw a massive wave heading his way. "Ack!"

It wasn't so much the sight of the massive wave exiting his lake that surprised Tenchi, but more the fact that two robots and a pink demon were currently surfing right at him. The former were using chunks from the shattered raft to support themselves, while Buu was bodysurfing behind them.

Lance cried out, "Cowabunga" as the edge of his makeshift surfing board clipped Tenchi's head. The chronically unlucky boy fell to the ground, grasping his skull.

"Ow. Well, at least it can't get any… oof!" He was interrupted in mid-cliché as Majin Buu belly flopped on top of him.

Ryoko, who had been lazily sitting upon her beam in the Masaki's living room, phased partially through the wall just as Tenchi was getting crushed. "Hey! Would ya mind keeping it dow… Tenchi!" She flew out at full speed to her true love's side, and began frantically

pushing against Buu's sizeable girth. "Move it, tubby!"

Buu sat up, shaking his head. "Ugh. Buu want to do that again!" Fortunately for Tenchi, Buu floated up and away from the site of the attack. "Hey Lance! Where are you?"

Ryoko hugged the object of her affections. "Tenchi! Speak to me!"

Tenchi stammered dazedly, "Excuse me, kind person, please stop speaking loudly, what with the yelling and the screaming and the pathos, nice LADY!"

It was at this point that Cypress walked out of the lake, trailing several weeds. He looked at the

chaotic scene. "Why do I get the feeling that I just missed something interesting?"

Lance turned to face his teammate. "Hey Cypress, why didn't you get crushed? Yagami was kinda barreling down at you like a meteor."

Cypress jerked a thumb towards the lake. "It's a lot deeper than it looks. I did a good scan of the place, and near as I can tell, it's a couple hundred meters deep in places."

Meanwhile, two drenched Galaxy Police officers slumped on the banks of what might have been their watery grave. Kione parted her soaked locks so that she could see her partner. "Mihoshi?"

The dimwitted blonde said, "What is it, Kione?"

In a completely even tone, Kione inquired, "Mihoshi, what happens whenever we try to land here?"

Kione swore that she could smell something burning as Mihoshi considered the question. "We… crash?"

"Very good. Do you know why we crash?"

"No?"

Kione growled, and decided to change tactics. "Mihoshi, what do you do every single time we come in to land?"

Mihoshi giggled. "Oh, that's an easy one! I turn on the radio!"

Kione smiled. "That's right. That would be a nice trick, turning on the radio. Mainly since it can't be done. Do you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because Yagami doesn't have a radio system. The Galaxy Police use hyperspace-based communication, because it's more or less instantaneous. The closest we have is a small emergency radio transmitter in the hold. Do you know what button you've been pushing all

this time?" Mihoshi shook her head. "The automatic engine cutoff. You've been pressing the large, red, clearly labeled button that you have to smash through a layer of glass to push."

Mihoshi laughed nervously. "Whoops! I'll do better next time!"

Kione had her own laugh to give, although this one was much less good-natured. "That's what you've said the last dozen times I've pointed it out to you."

Mihoshi's eyes watered. "It was just an honest mistake!"

Kione leveled a glare at her insipid companion. "Mihoshi, do you know how an honest mistake is defined? It is a one-time error based on confusing or seemingly conflicting information, which is corrected the next time around. What you do is repeated stupidity that doesn't change no matter how many times I point it out."

Mihoshi snorted. "Yeah, right. This is the first time you've ever said anything about it!"

Kione pulled out a small tape recorder. She proceeded to play it. "Yeah right. This is the first

time you've every said anything about it!" Kione glared. "I took this last week, just to make sure. You'll find that you said almost exactly what you said this time around. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; with a brain like yours, you should be in politics."

Mihoshi giggled. "You're just jealous because I have more fans!"

"THAT'S IT!" Kione started strangling the dumb blonde. "DIE! JUST DIE AND MAKE ME HAPPY!"

Boomer and Lance observed the situation. Lance queried, "Analysis, Mr. Spock."

Boomer spoke in a flat monotone. "Well, Captain, it would seem as if two wet, attractive female humanoids are fighting to the death."

"Suggested course of action, Mr. Spock?"

"Videotape them and sell the tape to the highest bidder."

Lance whipped out a video camera. "Logical, Spock, always logical."

Tenchi, hearing the sounds of combat, managed to rouse himself from his state of semi-consciousness. "Good Glaiven! Kione's going to kill Mihoshi!"

Ryoko was filing her nails. "Eh, it was going to happen anyways. It was just a matter of time before the smart one snapped."

Tenchi exclaimed, "We've got to stop them!"

Ryoko nodded. "Oh, I agree that murder is a horrible thing, but I'm just one cute and cuddly demon. How can I make a difference?"

"You can get over there and help me stop them!"

"But Tenchi, I wouldn't know where to begin! Murder is such a big problem!"

Tenchi was usually a man blessed (or cursed, as some see it) with an inordinate amount of patience. However, he, like Kione, had his limits. "YOU CAN GET YOUR LAZY ASS OVER THERE AND STOP KIONE FROM KILLING HER PARTNER! MOVE!"

Ryoko, cowed by the verbal assault, teleported between the two. "Jeesh, what a grouch!" She gave Kione a cool gaze. "Alright, you heard the man. No homicide."

Kione slumped to her knees and grabbed Ryoko by the waist. "Please! I'm begging you! I've been good! I've worked hard, I got top marks at the academy, and I've never had a social life! I've given so much to be where I am today, but where I am today is a horrible mess because of her! Just let me kill her so I can die happy!"

Ryoko stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Well, since you put it that way…" She caught Tenchi's glare. "Most certainly not! Mihoshi has plenty of good qualities!" Kione glared at her longtime companion, who was cowering behind Buu. "Name one."

Ryoko smiled. "Well that's easy! She… um… she can… no wait, she messes that up too… well, she… er…" Ryoko tapped her foot as she forced her brain around the puzzle. "I've got it! Without her, Nobuyuki would have one less dependant to claim on his income taxes! You have to wait until at least April 16!"

Mihoshi felt vaguely insulted, but she wasn't sure why.

At this point, Kione realized that even if she wasn't being videotaped with a variety of armed and

super-powered individuals working to stop her, she could never go through with the act. [I] Damn my conscience! Damn it, I say! She sighed and walked back towards the house, muttering about the general unfairness of life.

Lance nodded. "Well, now we see why she gets along with Phil so well." There were nods of agreement all around.

***************

Universe TV-HE2-0737-DC

Barbara Gordon, formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle, was absolutely stumped. This was a rare occurrence. As the Justice League of America's primary information source, she had access to sensors and computers that Bill Gates could only wish that he had the copyright

on. In addition, her mind was literally a steel trap, and capable of impressive calculations of its own.

But this information that the Justice League Satellite had fed her during what the news channels

were calling "The Bludhaven Disaster" was just insane. Seismic readings were off the chart in a section of the country with no history of earthquakes. Impossible readings on all spectrums indicated such energy that North America had no business existing as anything more than a bundle of exited atoms.

Oracle was used to the impossible. Before the Joker had crippled her, she had fought alongside and against beings with abilities that could only described as "powers far beyond those of mortal men." But if the satellite photos that she had seen were accurate, then the devastation had been the by-product of a fight between gods.

At the moment, though, she had other concerns. The government had declared the entirety of Bludhaven a Federal Disaster Area, and she had the unenviable job of coordinating the JLA relief efforts. Help the people, THEN worry about what caused this.

***********

"Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a barricade." Blockbuster wasn't entirely sure who had said that, but he whole-heartedly agreed.

He preferred to call it a sanctuary.

It truly irked him that he had been reduced to this; hiding in plain sight. The past few days were a

complete blank, but when he awoke he found that his empire was gone, his mother was dead and a large portion of Bludhaven was leveled, and the rest of it was collapsing.

He didn't know how or why it had happened. He didn't know who had done it. All he knew was that he had to hide, and since he didn't have the resources to protect himself anymore, he had to turn to the penal system. Not that he had had much choice in the matter; he was strong, certainly, but when Superman came knocking, it didn't take the intelligence given to him by Lucifer to realize that it was a good idea to surrender.

In the morning he would be questioned about the incident. He had already used the money that he had on him bribing the guards into giving him additional access to the television. After all, he would have to come up with a convincing story.

But for now, it was time for a good night's sleep. Darkness enshrouded his cell at Arkham. Just as he was about to drift off into a deep slumber, a low, gravelly voice whispered in his ear.

"Blockbuster."

Blockbuster's eyes flew open. "Batman!" He rolled off of his oversized bed and adopted a fighting stance. The mutated man cracked his knuckles. "Good of you to stop by. I've been wanting something to relieve my stress up-ACK!" The Caped Crusader interrupted him in mid gloat with a well-placed chop to the throat. Before Blockbuster could counterattack, Batman had hammered his solar plexus with three blows, sending him reeling.

Batman lashed out, kicking Blockbuster at the base of his spine. The larger man cried out in pain and slumped to his knees. An elbow the back of his neck removed what little fight remained Blockbuster.

Blockbuster's limbs had all been disabled by a series to hits to important nerve clusters, all before he could blink twice. Whoever I'm hiding from, they must

not be this good; otherwise I'd be dead. In his current position, the bravado in Blockbuster's voice seemed decidedly out of place. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company."

Batman's eyes narrowed. "I want answers, Rollie. You are going to tell me exactly what I want to know." There was no threat. Blockbuster was more than intelligent enough to deduce what would happen if he didn't comply. "What happened in Bludhaven?"

"I don't know." Blockbuster cried out in pain as Batman's foot impacted his ribcage. "I don't know!"

Batman strolled over to his incapacitated victim grabbed his arm. "This cut looks deep." He twisted the arm sharply, earning a cry of pain from its owner. "How did you get it?"

"I don't know!"

Still holding Blockbuster's arm, he clambered onto his back, and pressed his knee hard into the small of Blockbuster's back. "Yesterday, two beings fought in Bludhaven Harbor with energy that makes nuclear weapons look pathetic. Who were they, and why were they there?"

Blockbuster attempted to look his assailant in the eyes, but failed. "I don't know! I don't remember anything!" Blockbuster shrieked in agony as the bones of his upper and lower arms parted ways. "You have to believe me! I wasn't involved!"

Batman snarled, "Bull. You were at ground zero, with injuries that weren't caused by any shrapnel wound. You survived, while people a hundred feet further away were killed by the shockwaves. As much fun as it is to maim you at will, I don't appreciate being lied to!"

"Stop right there!" Blockbuster sighed in relief as a pair of guards burst into the holding cell. "The Batman!"

Batman growled. "Consider your answers well, Blockbuster. Same time tomorrow?" With that, Batman leapt through the open window and glided past the gates of the maximum-security prison.

Nightwing was waiting for him in the Batmobile. As they sped away, the former Robin asked, "Did you get anything?"

Batman glowered. "He doesn't know anything. I have a feeling that we will never know exactly what happened in Bludhaven yesterday." He considered his words. "At least, not until it's too late to do anything about it."

**********
Physics Police Headquarters

"Wake up, boy."

Warren opened his eyes and immediately regretted the decision. Every part of his anatomy hurt. He had once heard that the human body had 206 bones. Now he could verify that, as every single once screamed its agony to his central nervous system. "Ack… fazzer? Vat is it?"

Jacob was sitting beside his son's bed. "Cut the fake accent, boy. We all know that you use that to attract the sluts of the multiverse."

"OK, Dad." He winced at the effort of speaking. "Where are we?"

Jacob glared at Warren. "An infirmary at HQ. You got a royal ass whuppin.' At the hands of a meta, no less. You sicken me. You are an utter and complete

failure."

"I'm… I'm sorry, Dad. But nobody could beat him!"

Jacob's glare intensified. "That half-breed motherless bastard Phil brought him in ten minutes

ago."

Warren clenched his fists. "Just give me another shot! I'll do better next time!"

"Wrong, boy. You're off the force as of an hour ago."

"WHAT!? Why?"

"We can't afford to coddle your incompetence anymore, boy. Do you know how bad it looks when my son can't do something that a damned Sailor Senshi can!?" Warren sat in stunned silence. "Boy, the human race as a whole can't afford to coddle your incompetence anymore. We're losing ground; the muties, the metas, aliens, you name it, they're outdoing us. Do you know what we are? Cannon fodder and hostage material for those damned freaks!" Jacob's tone rose. "Do you know how hard I've worked to give you every chance? Do you know how many favors I've had to pull in to keep Phil down? Everyone compares you to him, as if that freak is some shining man-god and you're a retarded monkey!" Warren couldn't think of a response. "You'll be taken care of, but as of today, I have no son. You'll be staying here until you're well. Goodbye."

End Part 60

(Note from flaktrap: Parts of this story regarding Boomer, Lance, and the trigger happy half-Elven Canadian sniper were reconstructed from post incident debriefings. Accounts vary. For example, Boomer claims that the cabbit he caught was this big. The above is a composition account and is not to be considered the total incident. )