Title from a poem by Maya Angelou
Jo hadn't the faintest idea how draining wedding planning could be until she had to plan her own.
Now the discussions she and her father had been baffled about- ribbon color and cake or pie and veils- seemed all-important and all-consuming. She wished she and her lover had spent a little more time writing to each other about the wedding itself, instead of just the things that came after the wedding. It seemed they had gotten ahead of themselves and forgotten that to be married, they must first get married.
She stood still for hours, hoping not to get pricked by any more pins as she and her mother worked on her dress. It always left her in a mixed-up mood of anticipation, yet the lingering sense that something would be missing. She redoubled her efforts, trying to ensure she remembered absolutely everything.
Fritz was easy, too ecstatic about the fact the wedding was even taking place to mind very much where or how her hair would be up or which song would be played as she walked down the aisle. "Thou art always beautiful," he said, very unhelpfully, as she asked for an opinion. "Whichever song thou prefer." The problem was that she couldn't choose. She didn't prefer any over the other.
The day was currently scheduled for late spring. Two months had never seemed such a terribly short time.
"I think the backyard will do just fine. Unless there's somewhere else you had in mind, Fritz?" Jo looked at her fiance.
"I don't mind. Your gardens are beautiful in spring."
Jo had thought she would like to be making all the decisions. She couldn't quite articulate why it didn't feel so good right now.
"We should decide upon a seating arrangement," Amy said. "Who will be where is very important so it goes smoothly."
"Yes," Marmee agreed. "Of course, the bridesmaids will stand up at the front during part of the ceremony. And the little ring bearers should be there too."
Jo drew five squares representing seats on the paper for her soon the be nephews and her sisters.
"And father will be officiating so that leaves Aunt Carol and Flo, and-"
"Jo, there's an extra seat."
"What?"
"It's four, not five in the front," Meg pointed out.
"Oh."
Oh.
That seat would not be occupied.
"And Grandpa can sit here, by Laurie," Amy kept going, drawing more boxes and crossing out the extra. She evened out the rows, and everything looked nice and symmetrical.
Everything was wrong. It was all wrong.
"Did you two come to a decision on the cake?" Marmee asked.
"I still think the frosting should match the flowers-"
"Well, it's their decision, Amy."
The hard part is leaving you
"And maybe they can use some outside input-"
You will live and die for him, it's your way.
"Oh, hand me that pen, we shouldn't put the babies and John behind Aunt Carol, she dislikes the noise-"
Beth will dance at your wedding too
"I don't mind, whatever Jo likes best."
The legs of Jo's chair scraped across the floor, bringing the overlapping conversations to a halt. "I need a moment," Jo announced, as calmly as she could.
Without another moment's hesitation, her feet carried her out the door, across the backyard, and to the base of a tall, wide oak. She sat down on the opposite side from the house, where hopefully no one could see her, and pulled her knees to her chest.
She didn't feel much like a woman soon to be married, she felt like a frustrated girl missing her sister, even years later.
Once the first tear dropped and she brought her pinafore up to her eyes, she couldn't stop. And that's how Fritz found her only a few minutes later.
"Ach, dearest," he knelt beside her, asking in that familiar tone, "is something wrong?"
It only brought to mind that day in the rain, and for reasons unknown even to Jo herself, made her cry harder, which alarmed Fritz.
"Did I do something wrong?"
He got a response in the way of a quick shake of her head as she tried (and failed) to compose herself. She would not look at him.
"Is it that... dost thou wish to call off the engagement?" he asked hesitantly.
"What?" Jo's head shot up.
"I would hate to have thee regret this and resent me later, Jo. If you aren't sure anymore, only say the word and I won't press the matter-"
"No! No, that's not what I mean, I'm just- I'm having trouble with this. Right now. I feel... odd."
"What dost thou mean?"
"I don't know, I just- everything seems off-kilter." She sighed, rubbing her eyes again with the edge of her pinafore. Friedrich sat down next to her, scooting over so he was close enough for her to rest her head on his shoulder. "It's a few things I think. And they're all stupid."
"No, they aren't stupid. Not to me. If it is important to thee, I would like to know."
Jo still hesitated to start, feeling as though the subject was a huge snarl in a ball of yarn and she didn't know which end to begin untangling first.
"I am to be thine husband soon, Jo," Friedrich added softly, as she pondered how to start. "Thou may tell me anything."
"I never imagined this. I mean not really. Everyone else imagined it for me and I assumed if it happened that would be the way it went," Jo began haltingly. Friedrich's brow furrowed slightly, but he stayed quiet. "I thought it would feel- I just thought everyone would be there but they aren't. I thought she would be here if I ever got married, and I never imagined this without all of my sisters there."
"Oh."
"It's been years at this point, I don't know why it feels so fresh and painful sometimes."
"Because thou loved her deeply." His hand moved to take hers, and their fingers laced together.
"I don't understand why it- it hits me again. As if I expect her back when I prepared her body for burial. What's wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you, truly. A loss like this doesn't just leave."
"I thought it got better faster. And imagining a life without her would stop seeming so cloudy and grey. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm getting married."
Guilt clawed at Jo's throat and she fell silent. Fritz glanced over at her but sensed that she still wasn't done. His thumb traced little circles on the side of her hand, and Jo found it easier to continue.
"It's silly to feel as if everyone has forgotten her because they haven't. They're just- just giving me my day. There's just that nagging feeling that we're leaving someone behind, and I can't get rid of it."
"What if we put out a chair for her anyway? Would that make the feeling better or worse?"
Jo mulled the idea over. "I don't know. I'll think about it." She felt lighter already, having managed to put some of her feelings into words and get them off her chest.
"Just let me know when thou decide. It's up to thee."
Oh boy. Jo felt her jaw tighten a bit at those words, a frustration that had unfortunately become familiar welling up again.
Now for the harder part.
"Fritz, my love?"
"Yes?"
"There's one more thing. I'm afraid you won't like it."
He looked slightly surprised, but pushed his glasses up and nodded. "Go ahead. I could never be angry with thee."
"You do care about the wedding, don't you?"
Friedrich blinked. "I think I am misunderstanding."
Jo tucked her face into the front of her lover's jacket. "I'm asking if you care about the day, or... if it isn't very important to you I suppose it's fine."
"What makes thou think I don't care?" he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Of course I do."
"You haven't had an opinion about anything since we started planning. Not the way you have about our lives after. You don't seem to be as invested in the actual wedding day. I mean, not that there's anything really wrong with that," Jo backtracked, suddenly feeling heat creeping up her neck. "It's fine if it's not a big deal to you, maybe it shouldn't be a big deal to me, I mean I never really thought I would care about this stuff until now-"
"Jo, of course I care! This is our wedding, it's a very important day. And I want it to be perfect for thee."
"What about what you want? If you don't enjoy it, I can't either, don't you see?" Jo sighed. "And it's a lot to decide everything myself. We're supposed to plan this together. This might seem a little hypocritical of me to say now, after my speech about carrying half the bundles, but a wedding entails so many small bundles and I don't have that many pockets or good taste in decorations and I'm dropping them everywhere, they're landing in puddles, Fritz."
A regretful smile crossed his face as laughter cut her rambling short. "I understand, dearest. I thought full control of the day would be a comfort to thee, but I failed to see how it could come across as uncaring. I'm sorry."
"We only get married once, I want to know that you're enjoying it as much as I am," Jo turned her face up toward him, and he pressed a kiss to her lips.
"I am marrying Josephine March, how can I not enjoy that?" Friedrich reached over and pulled his fiancee into his lap, reveling in the warmth of her kiss and the way he could feel her smile against his. "Thou could ask me to wear bright yellow or recite my vows to thee in Latin, and I would do it."
"Fritz..." Jo couldn't help but laugh at that, trying to school her expression back into a serious one. "There's no need to do something as ridiculous as that."
"I know. Tell me what you want me to decide." He realized his misstep as Jo's mouth pressed into a thin line. "I'm sorry, my love. I will think of what I want for the wedding, and tell thee."
"It's a lot of decisions and I have no idea which ones are more important. And it's a lot of... emotions. That I wasn't expecting. It's a bit overwhelming, and I would enjoy having your input even if the final decisions are left to me."
"I see that now." He pulled her closer and Jo sank into the embrace of the man she would soon share her life with, and whose life would be shared with her. "I'm sorry I allowed thee to become overwhelmed."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. It's okay now. And we still have time."
"Yes, plenty of time to get all those packages sorted."
