Part 62:
Why Pink Is Evil
By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer
Disclaimer: In addition to our usual copyright infringements, we several new companies that are getting ripped off! So don't feel bad, Marvel, Nintendo, DC, Bird Studios, George Lucas, whoever owns Sailor Moon, and Rumihiko Takahashi; you aren't alone.
*********
Phil and company found Erik and Celeste nearly two hours later. After Buu had found an eating contest and happily signed up, Erik had wandered into a training room and had commandeered a VR computer to help him, bluffing the tech by simply saying he was a PP special agent. The poor trusting kid hadn't suspected a thing, and Erik had commenced training. Celeste had wandered a few rooms off and was watching a Pokemon tournament with amusement.
"Who is he fighting?" Phil asked.
"Uh, he asked for the highest skilled martial artist he could find. So I gave him Cassandra Cain from the DC universe…just a moment I'll call it up…"
The screen popped up as Erik and Cassandra, better known as the third Batgirl, fought in a VR world. And Cassandra's skill was quite evident as she repeatedly handed Erik his ass. As Erik had mused, his martial arts had gotten a bit rusty, and he was trying to get them up to snuff.
Phil and crew watched them fight for some time. While it was amusing to watch Erik get beat up, Phil desired something more for having to search for him.
"Hey, can I change his opponent?"
"Uh sure. Who?"
"You'll see…" Phil said with a smirk as he typed out commands. Batgirl vanished, and Erik looked around in confusion.
His confusion multiplied tenfold as Phil sent in his new opponent.
A Jigglypuff.
Erik wandered over and looked at the over-cute creature, trying to figure out what it was.
And then the Jigglypuff started singing. Erik promptly fell asleep. Phil started to laugh, and then started to howl as the indignant Jigglypuff proceeded to draw all over the sleeping Erik's face. Erik's computers woke him up a few seconds later, but no sooner had he got up than Jigglypuff started singing again and he fell asleep again. By the forth time this had happened Phil was rolling on the floor.
Erik wised up eventually, using his computers to switch off his hearing. Phil managed to change the VR Jigglypuff's status to "Invincible" before Erik started kicking the poor creature all over the training room.
Phil let him do that for a bit before he finally decided enough was enough and turned off the program. Omi and GoChibi had fetched Celeste, but since she had not actually aided Erik's escape, they could do little but watch her.
And even she started laughing when Erik headed out with marker all over his face. He looked confused, not at Phil being there (indeed, he looked like he had expected it sooner or later), but at the hilarity. He eventually pulled out a mirror and grimaced.
"Cute, Phil. I thought that was VR."
"A slight adjustment." Phil chuckled.
Erik pulled out a rag and began wiping his face off. When he finally finished he pulled it away to reveal 25 heavily armed PP guards aiming their weapons at him.
"Third time's the charm, Phil?"
"Get him out of here! And make sure he CAN'T ESCAPE THIS TIME! And take the woman too! And keep her away from Buu! We don't need her hatching another plot involving him." Phil said. Erik and Celeste smirked at each other as they were lead off, as if they were sharing some private joke.
"Well, he didn't kill anyone at least. I think Warren is the worst of our lot, and he didn't kill him. At least we don't have to worry about that." Ralph said, as he completed a Force scan.
"Hey, look at this! Cassandra beat up Erik 27 times!" Omi said as she checked the records of the training. Phil suddenly felt better.
"Call them up! And get some popcorn!"
*************8
"OK, you little punk!" Sergeant McKenna yelled at the heavily restrained Erik. "Let me tell you about your situation! Your cybernetics have been disabled by a computer that have three separate backup units in case one fails! You are bound at the neck to the floor by five chains of hardened, pure adamantium, which could barely be destroyed with a molecular destabilizer, which, by the way, is nowhere within twenty miles of this room! You have three Reality Checkers on you with the two backups primed to go off if the first one fails. And outside this room is a squad of four troopers waiting to pound the living shit out of you in their Elemental Power Armor if you even sneeze! If there is any way of escaping this situation, I would love to hear it!"
Erik had had his head down during the whole rant, and as McKenna finished, his shoulders began to shake. For a moment McKenna experienced a great surge of joy at the concept that he may have broken the blasted vigilante and caused him to cry.
Then Erik looked up. He was laughing.
"You want good way out? Well, you're just going to love THIS!"
With that, the MTD finished its crawl up McKenna's shoulder and jammed a small needle into his ceratoid artery. McKenna's eyes went wide as he felt the prick.
"Two words buddy. Planning ahead." Erik said.
And then McKenna screamed as the hallucinogenic on the needle took effect. Unfortunately for McKenna, the room was soundproof. This was meant so no one would be disturbed by any noise Erik might have made, and it had backfired.
"Oh god, what is that by your waist!" Erik said in false panic. In reality it was just a variety of devices that included the keys to Erik's chains. However, due to the chemical that was now altering McKenna's vision, he saw them as one of his worst fears: snakes. Yelling and screaming, he began tossing things off his belt. The keys flew through the air and landed several feet from Erik. Then the second part of the drug kicked in, and McKenna lost consciousness, sliding to the ground in a daze.
"Bring them to me." Erik said, as the remaining MTD's he had released before he had been captured came out of the cracks and corners they had hidden in. Combined, they managed to drag the keys within Erik's reach. He swiftly unlocked his chains. Stomping on the Reality Checkers took them out of the picture. A swift blast to the computers reactivated Erik's cybernetics. Erik flexed and walked over to the fallen Sergeant.
"One last thing buddy…" Erik said, as he slowly traced his fingers over McKenna's face and head, even as his computer ran his memories of his yelling voice through their systems.
Fifteen minutes later the door opened and Sergeant McKenna walked out towards the waiting troops.
"Commander!" one of them said as he saluted. "Any orders?"
"Yes, be on your guard. That vigilante is a very tricky fellow. If you even see any movement near that door I want you to barrage it with non-lethal weaponry! But nothing lethal, we need him alive for trial! But don't be too gentle now, you hear?" McKenna said. Several soldiers chuckled and traded some jokes as he left them behind, walking out the door.
One, however, was a bit puzzled.
"Was he shorter before…?"
"McKenna" walked out of the door and down the hallway. It was virtually empty. A few seconds later Celeste appeared out of the shadows. The two looked at each other.
'Young lady, what happened to the soldiers who were watching you?"
"They took a nap."
"Slackers…" McKenna said as his voice slowly changed to Erik's. Then the FS-X loosened and went liquid, as McKenna's features melted and slid away to reveal Erik again. The gel went into a compartment on his arm, as he pulled off the "borrowed" uniform and disposed of it down a nearby laundry chute.
"Did you get it?"
"Yes." Celeste said as she held up a small creature in a cage. 'It's called a ysalarmiri. It totally blocks the Force, so Ralph can't trace you."
Erik adopted a bemused expression. "And here I thought all of those Star Wars novels you read were a waste of time. Erik said as he put the small cage in a pocket, checking to make sure the creature was comfortable. The worm-like reptile (or reptilian worm; it was hard to tell) was still perched upon its nutrient stick and looked to be napping.
"Where's Buu?"
"Still at the eating contest. He looks quite happy, so you don't have to worry about him for a bit."
"Good. You attract the weirdest friends. Now, where's a computer?"
"Follow me."
Celeste led her husband to one of the main computer facilities. No one took much notice as several tools slid from his arm and into the device. Celeste kept careful watch as her husband sat there, his eyes blinking rapidly. About 42 minutes later, the devices detached and Erik stood up.
"There. It was immensely complex, almost overwhelming…but I did it. Your file and mine are gone, as is all the information gathered on us. They can't track us by signal, or energy signature, or by the Force…and if they think of another way I'll find a way out of it."
A commotion was suddenly heard outside of the computer room. Erik glanced at his wife.
"Methinks my latest jailbreak has been discovered. Come my dear; let us be gone before they start searching. This building is truly immense, and contains so many interesting things from hundreds of thousands of universes. Let's go sightseeing."
Phil had no words for the sight before him: a furious McKenna in his underwear covered with recently cut netting and more then a few burns and bruises from non-lethal weapons, a whole bunch of scared shitless troops realizing they'd zapped their commander, and the realization that Erik had gotten away AGAIN.
The sane are no challenge…Echoed through Phil's skull.
"WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR? FIND HIM! YESTERDAY!" Phil roared at the masses of troops that were beginning to gather.
"Shouldn't be too hard. We'll just follow the bodies." Chibi Ryoko said.
"Except he probably won't be killing anyone. We seem to have good standards. If there are "Corrupt" amongst us they seem to be very few." Ralph said. He was probing with the Force but getting nothing. Damn.
"Great. We have two people who are experts at hiding in a building a hundred times the size of Bludhaven. Why me? WHY ME?" Phil asked the ceiling. He thought he heard Loki chuckle in his head. Thought.
"Well squire, why worry yourself? Your case is solved. Your foe was beaten. If what your ally says is true he won't be trying to hurt anyone. He is someone else's responsibility now." Arthur said.
"Maybe, but the taste of that mess in Australia is still in my mouth, and it's bitter. I hate compromise. We're gonna find him, and THIS time…"
"He'll get away. Again. Hey Dad, ever think of trying to recruit this guy for…"
"Bite your tongue!"
"Well, no reason to kill yourself Phil. We'll just do a general sweep of the area. He probably…" Ecks began
"Is halfway to Coruscant to say hello to Palpatine, knowing my luck. OK, let's go!" Phil said, as he headed out the door. He would leave McKenna to deal with his troops.
The group left, Ecks bringing up the rear. Her headache was getting worse.
"Ye gods, is there anything this guy can't figure out?" Phil muttered.
****************
"Can you figure this out?" Celeste asked her husband.
"Nope, I have no idea what's going on." Erik said as he watched the two men place cards down, as giant creatures came and went due to the actions of the two. It appeared to be some kind of complicated game.
"I play Cyber Master!"
"And I counter with the Blue Eyes White Dragon!"
The Cyber Master went bye bye, disappearing as the fake dragon blew a fake lightning bolt and killed the creature.
"OK, I am watching this for five more minutes and then leaving." Erik said.
An hour later…
"NO NO NO! Don't use Swords of Revealing Light! Use Brain Control and use it with a Polymerize to combine your Black Eyes Red Dragon and the Summon Skull!" Erik yelled at one of the duelists. Celeste rolled her eyes. Of all the things to happen, her husband had gotten hooked on Duel Monsters.
Elsewhere…
The Physics Police maintain literally thousands of simulation rooms throughout their massive headquarters. They range in sophistication from standard gyms to levels that make the Danger Room's Shi'ar technology look like tinker toys. Ever since the mysteriously abandoned headquarters had been discovered years ago, the best scientific minds at the Physics Police's disposal had been struggling to unlock the secrets of the latter category to no avail. On one occasion, a dimensional analogue of Washuu had been brought in to poke around the devices. She had shut herself in for nearly 48 hours. When she had come out again, all she had to say was, "It beats the hell out of me!"
As the Physics Police cannot understand the technology, much less reproduce it, each room of this quality is constantly guarded by hundreds of lethal security systems.
Erik thought that he had the run of the headquarters. Had he attempted to enter one of these rooms, both he and Celeste would have been vaporized a dozen times over before they could blink. (And in the back of his head, Phil kind of hoped that would happen. He would have LOVED to see the look on Erik's face when he was brought back via the Dragon Balls or whatnot. However, Phil doubted it would happen, probably because he doubted Erik would be careless enough to just walk into a room, and the fact that the universe never passed up a chance to spite him)
Thus, as Phil entered one of these simulators, nearly three thousand different forms of sensors scanned him. Each sensor suite reported that he was who he said he was. Phil stood patiently before what at first glance appeared to be a metal wall. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, the wall literally melted away, seamlessly merging with the floor at his feet. Phil walked where a solid wall had been a moment before into a large, nondescript room. It was reminiscent of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber (or Room of Space and Time, as some preferred to call it) of Dragon Ball universes. An empty whiteness stretched in all directions.
The Simulated Environment Replication Artificial Intelligence (S.E.R.A.I) that ran the room spoke in a warm, feminine voice. "Please submit final authorization code."
Because cloning is a fairly widespread technology, each agent authorized to use the high-end rooms is given one final test of identity, in the form of a personalized password. Phil had chosen his shortly after becoming a full member of the force. "Murphy was an optimist."
S.E.R.A.I processed the code for a moment, checking his voice and statement against her records. Satisfied with the match, she said, "Code accepted. Good Day, Unit Commander Phil. Please specify desired training sequence."
Phil shifted his symbiote from his normal blue uniform to a training gi similar to Goku's. In place of orange and blue were green and white. An incredibly detailed green and gold eastern style dragon snaked its way from Phil's left side, up across to his right shoulder, its head ending up in a position on Phil's chest. Its blue eyes seemed to shine with a life of their own in the reflected light.
Io took temporary control of their neck to observe the change in clothing. In a curious tone, she said, "Ooh, not bad, Phil. Where'd you come up with that?"
Phil blinked. "I don't know; it just came to me." It seemed oddly familiar… Phil just shrugged it off.
Io gave a few practice punches, getting a feel for the gi. "Did you ever consider going into fashion design? This is pretty comfy, looks great and it allows plenty of space to move!"
Phil regained control. "No, I didn't. It's not like it took any skill either; it's pretty easy when you can have anything you think of become your clothing."
S.E.R.A.I spoke up. "Please specify desired training sequence."
Getting back to business, Phil thought for a few moments, before saying, "Set gravity to one hundred times Terran standard. Await further instructions."
S.E.R.A.I responded, "Affirmative. Please brace for increased gravitational pull in T-minus 3… 2… 1… gravity now increasing."
Phil scarcely noticed the change. This was OK, since all he wanted at the moment was a "light" warm-up while he pondered recent events. He blasted upwards into the air, and then began to blur around the chamber, launching a barrage of kicks and punches into thin air.
His face contorted into a hard grimace as he pictured Erik in his mind. Damn him!
Another voice spoke in his mind. Hey, don't sweat it, Phil. It's like Arthur said; he's someone else's problem now.
Shaddap, Io! Don't interrupt me when I'm thinking!
A deeper, more masculine voice let itself be heard. Squire, thou art beginning to obsess. Thou hast thine own problems back at thy home. Do not let thyself forget that thou shalt soon be the King, even if for a short while.
Phil said aloud, "S.E.R.A.I, increase gravity 100%." Phil was instantly forced to draw upon more of his power to retain the same level of activity. No Wart, I actually plan to be King for a good while yet.
Arthur's shock was such that he inadvertently sized control of Phil's vocal cords. "Dost thou realize what thou speaks? That was not a part of our bargain!"
Phil stopped his program for a moment as he mentally shoved Arthur out of his physical body. "Wart, that was your bargain, NOT mine. You're the one that made a deal with Loki. I am not technically bound by any contract you signed."
Io spoke up again. Why would you want to be the King, anyway? You made it quite clear to Serenity that you don't like monarchy.
Phil responded, "You want to know why? I'll tell you why. I want control of my life. As long as I've lived, some bureaucracy of some sort has controlled what I do, how I do it, when I do it, and if I do it!"
Such is life, Squire.
"Wrong, Wart. Most people get to choose their careers. I found out recently that I was bred specifically to do what I'm doing now. I was predestined to be a warrior, never given a choice one way or the other. Even when I dropped of the Physics Police's radar for a few years after Dad died, I was still manipulated by random people and forced to battle just to survive. When they found me again, they never once asked if I wanted to join up with the organization that my father died trying to protect. No, I got drafted so fast that my head still spins."
"The whole bit with Lotion and Ayeka still bugs me. If I can't choose my career, I should at least be able to decide who I love. But noooooooo! Ayeka started chasing me on the rebound, and Lotion is honor bound to get me. I haven't seen Kione since I met you guys. I don't know if we even have any future together, beyond Omi." Phil sighed. "I'm supposed to be everyone's good natured workhorse and whipping boy."
Phil powered up more and increased the ferocity of his workout. "And then along comes that whiny Erik! Sure, he had it tough at first. I'll acknowledge that. But he has it pretty good from where I'm standing. He's managed to slay those who have wronged him, find a beautiful wife who's as crazy as he is and has brainwashed just about everyone he's met into thinking of him as some 'necessary' angel of vengeance! Now he just kills the evil as a recreational activity!" Phil let his growing anger out, putting him into the Super Saiyan state. "S.E.R.A.I, increase current gravity 1000%." Phil grunted as his weight increased to 2,000 times its norm. He continued his routine, but it was noticeably slower. "And yet, he's managed to get the pity of everyone he meets! It's just mind boggling!"
Io said, You know, you DO have a point there.
For a few minutes, there was silence from all parties involved. Phil eventually found himself approaching muscle failure under the extreme weight. "S.E.R.A.I, set gravity to ten times Terran standard."
"Gravity lessening."
Phil floated down to the ground, panting from his exertions. After a few moments, he lowered himself to one knee. "Computer, Gravity to Terran standard." Then, he began his rant anew. "Angel of Vengeance nothing. (Pant). He's just a slasher that found himself (pant) a more socially (huff) acceptable group of victims. Like Jack the Ripper in a world where anarchy rules. And on some level, I think he (pant) knows it. It's just that he's gone through the bad monologues so many times that he's brainwashed himself too."
Squire, I think that thou givest him too little credit.
"And I think that everyone gives him too much!" Phil powered back to his normal state. Sweat ran down his face in rivulets as he continued panting. He briefly considered downing a Senzu bean to replenish his strength, but decided that it would be a waste; besides, he felt tired, but it was a good kind of tired.
Io sighed. "I don't see why you do this so much, Phil. All of this working out just a waste of time."
"Oh sure, Miss 'I'm going to go train with King Kai for the next 10,000 years trying to get revenge on myself.'"
Io coughed in an embarrassed manner. "That wasn't exactly what I meant. What I mean is that you've been trying too hard to make yourself stronger; your mind needs exercise too."
Phil blinked. "Huh?"
"Erik was always ten steps ahead of you; I mean, he knew how you would respond after meeting you once! Sure, it's part of his whole telepathy bit, but still… you're kind of predictable."
Phil shook his head. "No, I figured out what you meant the first time around. And you're right; I do need to work a bit on my tactics. I was more surprised that you actually had something useful to say for once."
Arthur stifled a chuckle. Io responded sarcastically. "Ha ha ha. Very funny."
Phil chomped down on a Senzu bean, wincing at the bitter taste. Ugh! That taste! You'd think that we could genetically engineer something that didn't make you want to gag. Oh well; I'm ready for this next exercise. "And as to my being predictable, well, he has that 'the sane are no challenge' bit in his favor."
"What art thy excuse, Squire?"
Phil blinked. "When did you learn sarcasm, Wart?"
"I hath been in thy head for a good while, Squire; I supposed that I hath been infected."
Phil decided to stop exchanging repartee with his roommate. "As I was saying, it isn't that I'm predictable; it's the fact that I've been letting him get a few seconds to think. Next time I even have a chance of going against him, it's blitzkrieg all the way."
Io was confused. "Blitzkrieg?"
Phil nodded. "German for lightning strike. The basic idea is that you hit them with no warning, with so much force that they can't respond in time to do anything about it. I'm going to hit hard and fast, before he can even blink!"
Will we eat spleen?
"Only if you're very good." Phil addressed the computer. "S.E.R.A.I, I want a one on one fight."
"Acknowledged. Please select venue."
"Random terrain on a Class M planet." This made sure that he wasn't suddenly put into a vacuum without a spacesuit; the advanced room was more than good enough to make the experience deadly. "Set no time or space limits. Don't initialize the terrain until the battle begins. I want it to be a surprise."
"Acknowledged." There was a brief pause. "Please specify opponent."
"Random opponent within the following parameters; Chi power level within 10% of my maximum, with a wide variety of exotic techniques."
"Processing… simulacrum ready. Are there any further qualifications at this time?"
"No. Begin simulation in T minus 10 seconds."
"Acknowledged. 10… 9…"
Phil closed out the voice as he focused the potential within him. Manna reserves began to strengthen his Chi, and the air around him began to swirl about him, buffeting his hair and green gi with the updraft. He completed activating his Mystic Talent as S.E.R.A.I finished her countdown.
"3…2…1… Simulation beginning."
Phil momentarily fought vertigo as the world around him shimmered and shifted. Where a never-ending whiteness had been a moment before, there was now… never-ending whiteness.
Well, that wasn't entirely true. The sky was more of a gray color, and the massive barrage of snowflakes that was assailing him allowed some visibility.
Or rather, massive barrage of snowflakes that now barraged her. Phil felt the odd tingling that indicated that the Jusenkyo curse had been activated. "Damn it! My breath must have melted enough of the flakes to get me!" Phil mentally ordered the symbiote to accommodate her clothing to match the shorter form.
Io gave a cheer until Arthur mentally glared at her. Phil was much less chivalrous and simply shoved her.
The internal war was instantly halted as a familiar voice spoke from the gloom. "I don't know who you are, old lady, but I'm gonna enjoy this!"
Phil's eyes darted around. Who? Where? Without warning, a small blur blasted from out of the snow and caught Phil with a blow to the cheek.
Caught completely off guard by the sudden attack, Phil went flying into a snow bank. The previous chill increased tenfold and Phil began to shiver. Shaking her head, Phil managed to regain enough of a grip to remember where she was. She blasted out of the snow, spraying white in all directions. "Where are you? Come on out!"
The voice laughed in a mocking tone. Phil wasn't sure who it was, but her assailant was definitely much younger than her. "Yeah right, lady. I want this to be a battle to remember, and if I tell you where I am, that'll ruin the whole plan!"
Phil barely managed to dodge over a flurry of kicks as the young man began his attack. He grunted in an odd, stereo voice as Phil countered with a kick to the gut. He went flying out of sight under the power of the blow.
Phil assumed a defensive stance as she reached out with her senses. "That voice… that attitude… it couldn't be anyone but…"
She sidestepped an attempted tackle and extended her right arm. The arm connected with a perfect clothesline maneuver.
The black and purple haired teenager rubbed his bloodied nose. In a whiny tone, he said, "Hey! That's not fair!"
Phil finished her earlier sentence. "Gotenks." Phil rolled her eyes. "I guess he does technically qualify… I need to specify 'no egomaniacs' the next time I do this."
Virtual Gotenks growled, "I am not an egomaniac!"
The winds howled around them as Phil retorted, "Do you even know what that means?"
"Uh… no."
Phil smacked her forehead. Methinks the computer did too good a job with the simulation. I think we have the first incident of artificial stupidity here! In a condescending tone, Phil said, "Now, would you mind going Super Saiyan Three so I can get a good workout?"
Gotenks shook his head. "Naw, that's against the plan. Y'see, I'm going to fight you in my normal state, then reveal my unexpected transformation just when it seems like I'm going to lose!"
"If I know about it, then it isn't an unexpected transformation, now is it?"
Gotenks stopped. "Hmmm… that IS a good point. But, I did want to save it for later… how about I just go Super?"
Phil shrugged. "That's better than nothing, I suppose." Gotenks cried out as a bright yellow aura surrounded him. His hair stood even more on end and turned yellow. As he completed the transformation, Phil could feel his Chi increase considerably. Phil blinked a few times. Chi? I knew this simulator was good, but artificial Chi? Now that just feels wrong, somehow…
The wind died down, as did the snowfall. Gotenks nearly up to his waist in snowfall even as he chuckled. "Heh heh. You're pretty good, but you're no match for my top secret techniques!"
With a heavily lidded gaze, Phil said, "Oh? Secret techniques, eh? What kind of techniques?" Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
Gotenks didn't notice. He leapt at Phil, fists swinging. "Try these on for size! Megaton punch!" Phil blocked a perfectly ordinary punch with her arm. "Nuclear Kick!" Phil dodged under the partially powered up kick. "Angry Supreme Wombat!" Gotenks' right arm glowed a purple color as he caught Phil with the attack. A bright flash filled the air as the strike hit.
Phil went flying back for a few moments, and then performed a handspring. She landed feet first, ready for the coming attack. She waited for Gotenks' next move.
The simulated Super Saiyan simply stood there, his face a bright red. He had a look on his face that said that higher brain functions had gone off-line. His right hand was also cupped and twitched, as if holding onto something.
Io, meanwhile, was livid. "That bastard! How dare he!"
"What're you bitchin' about, Io?"
"Didn't you notice? He out and out groped us!"
Phil went back over the attack in her head. It had indeed hit her ample chest, and it had remained there for a few seconds longer than necessary… "Hey, you're right! Hey you little punk, what're you trying to pull?"
Gotenks' blush increased tenfold. He stammered, "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to do that. Say… I… I didn't really noticed how pretty you are. You wanna go on a date with me when this over?"
For once, all three inhabitants of Phil's body acted in perfect agreement. "DIE!" Their aura flared to life as they blasted toward the unfortunate simulacrum.
Gotenks instantly found himself on the defensive as Phil unloaded dozens of blows in the time it took most people to blink. Most were evaded, but enough were getting through that the simulated warrior was a bloody mess.
Finally, Phil kneed him in the gut with such ferocity that he stayed in the air for several seconds. Even while he was still in midair, Phil brought her hands together and hit him with a sledgehammer blow that sent him flying.
Phil screamed, "Gotenks no hentai! SHI SHI HOUKOU DAN!" A brilliant purple beam of light followed the simulation's flight path. When the two met, there was a massive explosion. A shockwave sent the freshly fallen snow rippling away. It formed into a horizontal avalanche, which flowed straight towards Phil.
The Mystic Warrior seemed to ignore the wave until a few moments before it hit. She looked up and gave the avalanche a hard glare. It parted around her in a biblical manner. Even as the area around her was buried in an additional ten feet of snow, Phil looked up at the slowly expanding cloud of smoke. "Hmmm… I'm not picking him up, and that baka is too stupid to mask his Chi… oh my god!"
Arthur caught the obvious shock in Phil's voice. "What art wrong? Were we injured?" He didn't feel any pain coming from their body, but who knew…
"Naw, it ain't that. Look! Somebody is actually dead when the smoke cleared!" Indeed, all traces of the simulated Gotenks had been annihilated in the blast. "That's like some kind of violation of the laws of physics or something!"
Io piped up. "Yeah, I remember King Kai mentioning that once… he never could tell me why though…"
Phil decided to shrug it off. "Must have been a glitch. S.E.R.A.I?"
The computerized voice immediately responded, "Yes?"
"Turn off the current terrain. I want another fight; that weakling couldn't even get me going!" Io laughed out loud in the back of Phil's psyche. "What's so… oh. Get your mind out of the gutter, Io! That wasn't what I meant, and you know it!" The dead Senshi kept laughing. At least, until Phil shoved her again.
S.E.R.A.I switched off the Tundra settings. The field of white turned back into… a field of white. "Specifications?"
Phil adopted a thoughtful expression. It would have driven her mad to know just how cute her expression was at that moment (so let's not tell her, OK?). "Give me a standard Dragonball style battlefield. Y'know, with the massive expanses of badlands that were practically made for blowing up?"
The air around Phil shimmered as her request was granted. "Please select opponent."
Phil answered immediately, "Someone approximately as strong as I am. Make sure that it ISN'T Gotenks. Make sure that they have USEFUL exotic attacks, and enough intellect to use them effectively. And just to be safe, turn the libido down to zero. Got it?"
S.E.R.A.I paused for a moment. "Acknowledged. Simulation has begun."
Phil adopted a fighting pose. She waited for a full minute before glancing around, looking for any trace of her opponent. As the minutes passed, Phil crossed her arms across her chest, impatiently tapping her toe on the ground. "Obviously, S.E.R.A.I picked a really slow opponent…"
Suddenly, Phil caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. She responded quickly enough to avoid being splattered over the terrain by a pink blur. She leapt up, looking for a hint of the mysterious opponent's location. Suddenly, a blow came from behind, smashing her in the small of her back. She cried out in pain as she slammed into the ground below, forming a crater.
Despite her agony, she managed to look up at her assailant. "W-who?"
Obscured by the sun's rays, the dark figure waved his finger at her in a "tsk, tsk" motion. "No, the word you're looking for is…" he said as he came close enough to be identified. "Buu. Majin Buu."
Phil had managed to get to her feet by this time. She studied the figure before her. At first she thought that the Buu Celeste had befriended had somehow wandered into her training room by some miracle, and then she discounted that idea as being too intelligent for Buu. Then she took a closer look. He was indeed Buu, but was significantly different from the one that she had fought. For one thing, he actually had a nose. For another, he was dressed in a vest identical to Gotenks.' The fleshy appendage atop of his head was longer, and much more supple and whip-like. She shook her head, attempting to clear the pain from her mind. "Let me guess. You just absorbed Piccolo and Gotenks."
Virtual Buu nodded. "That's right. And from the looks of it, little girl, you're next!" He cracked his knuckles, all the while smirking in an egotistical manner.
Phil smirked right back. With a confident gleam in her eyes, she said, "Good, I was looking for a challenge…" And with that, the battle began in earnest.
Elsewhere…
In a lounge somewhere in Physics Police headquarters, a pair of men sat upon a couch. One was dressed in a mage's robes, while the other was a Namek in an outfit reminiscent of Piccolo's, minus the shoulder pads. Before the two beings lay a massive, 72-inch, high definition, surround sound television set
Both had opted to extend the couches built in footrests, and were leaning back in a very relaxed pose. The mage was enjoying a beer, while the Namek was content to stick to water. The human was currently flipping through the channels, unsatisfied with what he was finding. "Seen it… seen it… garbage… crap… crap… seen it… boring… stupid… French… FUNimation…" The mage, Chad, looked to his companion. "Hey Timpa, is there anything good on tonight?"
The Namek, now identified as Timpa, looked down at a small magazine. "Let's see here… I think we've seen that one… and that one… hey, they're apparently showing any good matches in the simulators on channel 60."
Chad considered. "Eh, sure, why not?" He hit the requisite buttons on the remote, and the screen flashed to the previously mentioned scene.
Phil cried out as Buu's head-tail latched around her neck. She struggled weakly for a few moments, before firing a Mouko Takabisha at the alien being. It simply opened a hole in its torso, letting the blast fly right through. Buu laughed at this. He said something, though the camera couldn't pick it up over the explosion from Phil's attack.
Even as Buu congratulated himself, Phil used the slip in concentration to blast toward him. Used the head-tail's own slack against Buu, slamming her elbow into his face. Buu released his grip on Phil's throat as she drove her right elbow into his gut, smashing him into the ground. Phil didn't give him a moment's respite, following up the strike with a Kamehameha wave. The blue bolt of energy lashed almost angrily at the planet's surface, burrowing deep into the crust before finally exploding.
Timpa looked at his companion. Chad's attention was totally fixed on the scene before him. The Namek smiled. "It certainly is a rousing battle, isn't it?"
"In all honesty, I like the 'scenery' more than the battle." Timpa noticed that the cameras had focused in on Phil's face. Sweat and blood had matted her blue hair, and her face was flushed from her exertions. Still, Timpa knew that she was exceedingly lovely… by human standards, at least.
Timpa rolled his eyes. Humans. Then, Timpa noticed a few statistics flash across the bottom of the screen. He blinked a few times upon finding out who the combatant was. "Say Chad, do you know who that is?" The ogling man shook his head as he took a sip from his beer. "That's Phil. You remember him, right? Our good buddy from our academy days?"
Brown carbonated beverage covered the television screen. "Wh-what!?"
Timpa smirked. I love it when they do that. "Yup. Says that he ended up with a Jusenkyo curse."
Chad shuddered. He turned the television off. "I feel so dirty." Something occurred to the mage. "Y'know what, Timpa? That sure does seem to happen a lot."
Timpa nodded his agreement. "So, want to see what else is on?"
Chad shook his head. "No, I think I've had enough television for a good LONG while. Let's go play some Ping-Pong. And no super speed this time!"
"Only if you agree not to halt time again."
"Done and done." With that, both Physics Policemen left the room.
End Part 62
And now, as a special bonus… BobCat's letter corner!
BobCat: "Good day, all. Well, I promised you an Ask Phil kind of section. But, since the only person who actually sent in a letter was my bleeding co-author, I figure I'll punish you by having me run the show."
flaktrap: "The horror! The horror!"
BobCat: "Anyway, Ash the Wanderer sends us the following questions/comments."
You have an alternate personality now? Geez.
OK, why don't you answer me this: WHY is Phil so sour on life? You have never gotten to that Phil's Tale yet.
And how do the PP get all their data anyway? Were they hiding behind a rock for everything in existence happening?
BobCat: "Well, let's see… I don't have any alternate personalities that I'm aware of…" (sudden voice change) "I'm too good at hiding from that dolt anyway." (BobCat shakes his head). "Where was I? Ah yes. I was just commenting on the lameness of any letter column that didn't receive any letters. Those of you out there who don't like what Ash has done with this fic, remember this : his letter saved your sanity from a storm of self-written letters in L33T."
flaktrap: "Or what's left of it after the first sixty-one chapters."
BobCat: "Hey! Is this flaktrap's letter corner?" (No response.) "I didn't think so."
BobCat: "As for the second question, we turn to dead Austrian pervert, Sigmund Freud. Herr Freud?"
Freud: "Vell, vhat ve zee here is zat Phil zuffers from a lack of a guiding female figure early in his life, meaning that with no figure for an Oedipus complex to develop around, he has had free floating feelings that have no release."
BobCat (blink. Blink.) "In English?"
Freud: (Sighs.) He's nuts and angry at the world about it.
BobCat: So there you have it… man, that kinda means that my whole Physics Police prequel I'm planning is kinda unnecessary… Moving on, Ash, really? You think the Physics Police have to resort to such low-tech methods of figuring out what happens? Please…
Phil (in the background, whispering into walky-talky): This is Unit Commander Phil to the 'Sit Behind Rocks and Write Everything Down' division! Your cover is blown, repeat, your cover is blown!"
BobCat (coughs into hand) Well, until next time, kiddies, don't accept candy from strangers unless they offer to give you a ride home to get your parent's permission. And send in some actual letters, or 4 s+0rm 0f 1337 sh4ll d3sc3nd up0n 4ll! And if you can decipher that, we both need some serious web-comic detox.
