Part 63
Newsbreak
By BobCat
Disclaimer: I cannot tell a lie. I did not invent Tenchi Muyo!, or the stuff in Marvel comics.
Note: This chapter is to give everyone a break from Erik, and also to give you all an idea of what's happening in FC-1. Plus, it was very easy to write… I'll have to do this more often. The "Ask Phil" column will also be up soon.
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"To a certain extent, 'unbiased news' is only propaganda that you agree with." A BobCat original. It will make more sense when you read the chapter.
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Tenchi stumbled in the door, flinging his homework-gorged book bag onto the floor. "Ugh… finals week…" His brain felt numb. So very, very numb… he didn't want to think, he didn't want to write, he didn't want to move. Struggling to stay on his feet, he moved towards the couch. "Couch… warm… Treaty of Versailles was written in 1919 Gutenberg invented the printing press quote the raven nevermore F=GmM/d² 1984 was more prophetic than we think argh make my brain stop, pleasepleaseplease!"
Ryoko teleported above Tenchi and floated there for several seconds. Seeing his pain, she flew down and latched onto him. "What's the matter Tenchi?"
Tenchi shuddered. "Four finals in one day. I was up all last night studying, and I can't seem to get Madam Curie discovered radiation the facts into storage. I just want to cogito ergo sum veg out in front of the TV."
Ryoko grinned mischievously. "Y'know, if you don't want to think, there are, far more… pleasurable activities that don't require much thought…"
"Nice try, Ryoko," Tenchi said with an annoyed tone.
Ryoko shrugged. "Hey, can't blame a girl for trying." She released Tenchi, who continued his zombie-like walk and flopped down on the couch.
Tenchi moaned, "Would you mind changing the channels for me? I think that Einstein's theory of relativity erased my brain's motor controls."
Ryoko, feeling a bit sympathetic for his plight, teleported next to Tenchi, but resisted the urge to fondle him further. She grabbed the remote control and turned on the television.
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On the TV…
(Two men and a woman are sitting at a table. In the background is a flashy looking logo, with "Channel 76 Action News" written in red. They are Josh, Tom and Donna. It doesn't matter what they look like. If you must, imagine your own local news people. They all look the same anyhow.)
Tom: (Just finishing a story) "And I'll bet that squirrel was surprised!"
(All newscasters engage in bored-sounding laughter at the uninteresting anecdote.)
Josh (camera focuses in): "In other news, peace talks between the mutant terrorist Magneto and the United States government fell through in light of the reinitiating of the Sentinel program. For more, we turn to our correspondent in Washington, D.C. Jake?"
(Scene shifts to a man standing in front of a fake picture of the White House.)
Jake: Thank you, Josh. Today, President Colin Powell signed into law a bill that, among other things, returned funding to thxe Sentinel program. This is his first act as President, following the tragedy of George Bush choking on a pretzel and Dick Cheney's heart attack following the news, all of this after the people next in line were forced to step down due to charges of corruption. President Powell, inaugurated last Thursday, stated that the purpose of the program was not to hunt mutants, but to provide research and funding into attempts to match the European Veritech program. Magneto's reactionary and irresponsible response has endangered millions of mutants both in the USNA and abroad. Back to you, Josh."
Josh: "Thank you, Jake. We now turn to Donna with a report on recent developments in England. Donna?"
Donna: "Thank you, Josh." (A picture of Phil's silhouette with a superimposed question mark appears behind her) "Ever since the death of the entire British royal family in a freak photography accident, the search has been on for the heir to the throne, not only of England, but all of Western Europe, under the terms of the European Union's constitution. Since then, General of the Armies Peter Davion has sat on the throne, although insiders say that he is uncomfortable in the position. As Davion is only distantly related to the royal family, the search has been on for a more suitable heir. According to sources close to the throne, such an heir has been found. In a press conference, the Baron von Brandenburg, Hans Krauss, revealed the identity of the new king."
(The screen cuts to a stiff man with brown hair and a mustache standing before several rows of the press.)
Krauss: "With the recent stabilization of the Australian Invasion, we have declassified several documents involving the situation. Among them is the agreement hammered out with the leader of the aliens, orchestrated by Prince Philip, a relative newcomer to the scene. I will now answer any questions that you may have." (Several hands are raised. Unlike some conferences, Krauss seems to insist on formality and order). "Yes?" (Points to a woman in the front row).
Blond woman: "Mary O'Hare, Dublin Times. How is this Philip related to the royal family?"
Krauss: "Prince Philip's lineage is currently unclear, but genetic tests indicate that he is a second cousin to the main line, far closer than any surviving member of the family.* Next question. (Scans the crowd). You, in the third row."
Red haired man: "Tim Russel, New York Times. If he has been discovered, why hasn't he been coronated yet, given the current difficulties faced by the Union?"
Krauss: "Although for security reasons we cannot reveal his current location, we can say that he is currently on a tour of the Empire so that he can get a hands on view of the state of his future Kingdom. The coronation is set for next Thursday."
(Scene shifts back to Donna in the studio.)
Donna: Although not much is known about Prince Philip, his success in setting up a treaty with the alien bugs is a feather in his cap. Back to you, Tom."
Tom: Thanks, Donna. When channel 76 returns, we look into the tale of a local man who won an Olympic medal in curling over fifty years ago."
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Tenchi shuddered. "That isn't news! Curling isn't even a sport! Stupid 'human interest' stories… change the channel, please."
Ryoko was deep in thought. "Prince Philip? You don't think that could be…"
Tenchi shook his head. "Nah, that's silly." Tenchi leafed through a TV guide. "Maybe we can find out more on this debate show? Channel 58."
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Channel 58…
(There are two people sitting back at a table. One has a Donkey painted on the wall behind him, the other an elephant.)
Republican Jerk in Suit (RJS): "What!? How can you possibly agree that giving away Australia is a good idea, you dirty hippie!?"
Democrat Jerk in Suit (DJS): "Look, you conservative freak! I don't care what racist and imperialistic ideas you have, it's a simple matter of fact that no military on Earth could have stopped those bugs with the momentum they'd built up! I rest my case!"
RJS: "You radical homosexual son of a bitch! The USNA has MORE than enough power to wipe out a bunch of bugs! Prince Philip was just being too liberal for his own good!"
DJS: "If by liberal, you mean that he cares about human life, then yes, you fascist bastard, he is! The aliens will leave in fifteen years, you moron!"
RJS: "Look, you hippie, I don't know what kind of wacky-weed you've been smoking, but if you think those alien bugs are going to listen to a treaty made with a weaker party, then you're stupider than you look!"
DJS: "You think the Europeans didn't figure that out? They've already turned New Zealand and the rest of the South Pacific into island fortresses! They're more than prepared!"
RJS: (Tries to think of a comeback, but none comes to mind). "Your mom!"
DJS: "No, your mom!
RJS: "How dare you!' (Pulls out a gun) "Eat lead, Red!" (Opens fire).
DJS: (Dodging bullets). "Gun control! Gun control!"
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Tenchi smacked his forehead. "What was I thinking? Modern debate shows are all about argument and spectacle. No actual information to be gathered here."
Ryoko turned off the television. "It looks like you've recovered."
Tenchi nodded. "Thanks a lot. I think I can move again."
Ryoko waved away his gratitude. "Oh, don't mention it. Anything for my Tenchi."
Tenchi responded, "So you'll ask Washuu to get rid of the spy cameras in my shower?"
Ryoko laughed. "That's why I love you! You always say the silliest things."
Tenchi sighed. "I knew it was too good to be true…"
He sat back on the couch. Peeping excluded, she's calmed down a bit. Ever since Ayeka gave up, she hasn't had as much of a reason to be aggressive; actually, it's kinda nice being around her now. What now, though? No homework, Dad's out of town… might as well watch a little more TV. Tenchi picked up the remote and turned the TV back on. He channel-surfed for a bit, until he noticed something odd. "What the…" He went back to find… the back of his head. "How the…" He heard his voice in an odd stereo, as the TV copied his sounds. He turned around. The figure on the TV did the same.
By now, Ryoko had also noticed the odd double vision. She waved her arm, and the Ryoko on the TV screen did the same. Ryoko twitched. "Someone's… watching us?" She picked up the TV guide. Her eyes widened. "'Tenchi Muyo! The New House Guests', Episode 63!?" She crushed the book between her fingers. "Someone's gone too far!"
Tenchi was now pacing back and forth. "But who? Who has the technology, the utter lack of respect for our privacy, and the spare time to set up these cameras?"
They both hit upon the answer at the same time.
"WASHUU!"
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Deep in her lab, the evil scientist sneezed. She politely blew her nose, and then went back to her telephone conversation. "Look, I don't care if Pioneer Limited is having to pay TOEI for the rights to their characters and concepts! I just set up the cameras, I don't control who walks in front of them! Good day!" With that, she hung up. "The nerve of some people!"
End Part 63
* Yes, Loki did tinker with Phil's genetics. No, Phil doesn't know about it.
