Part 64

All Singing, All Dancing

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer. (Mostly Ash this time)

Disclaimer: Well, it ain't mine, but in the next few chapters, the Physics Police goes where it has never gone before! For those of you who whined for more crossovers… remember, you brought it on yourselves.

****************

The first thing you must realize was that Virtual Buu was dead. Dead as a doornail. It wasn't overly important to start with, but hey, it went with the theme of evil pink. Phil was feeling much nicer, now that he had managed to vent some frustrations. And BobCat was happy, because he had introduced two characters who won't be very important until the prequel.

At this, Timpa and Chad started. The Namek sputtered, "WHAT!? Then why bring us up at all!?"

(Look fellas, it's just the way things go, OK?)

But don't worry, sports fans; if you enjoy Phil's suffering, then you just hit the motherload…

Meanwhile…

"OK, what do you want again Erik?" Celeste said as she looked at the new VR training platform. They had been kicked out of the arena. At first, Erik's yells of advice had gotten onto some people's nerves. Wishing to show the armchair monster dueler that it wasn't quite as easy as he seemed to think, they had literally handed him a deck of cards and tossed him into the arena. A big mistake, as Erik's ability to analyze and plan had allowed him to learn all the rules in two minutes flat. Soon after, he'd start handing people their ass. Two hours later they tossed them out for making them look like fools. They had all been more than glad to be rid of them. Well, except for that short kid with the weird red and gold spiky hair, who was wearing that strange pyramid thing. He'd said Erik was a natural and suggested that they duel sometime…

Erik, not the least bit discouraged by this turn of events, had wasted no time in plugging himself into the nearest computer terminal. After a few moments, he found a Holo-deck that wasn't scheduled for use for a few more hours.

Now, Erik stood in the middle of a field of blackness that was crisscrossed with green lines. The lines bent upwards at a point a few hundred meters in either direction of him, showing him the dimensions of the room.

Celeste was currently seated in a Danger Room-esque control room far above the simulator. She hit a button on the console. Her voice reverberated through the massive chamber. "OK, I think I have these controls figured out. What were you wanting to do again?"

"A doppelganger. That Cassandra girl showed me I have to look for flaws in my style. Who better to show me then myself?" Erik said.

"Train, train, train… is that all you think about?"

"Well, I guess you could say that I just have a one-track mind…"

Celeste winced. "Honey, I love you, but that pun was physically painful." She looked over one of the screens. "OK…doppelganger…doppelganger…ah, here's one!" Celeste said, and pressed a button.

A second later Erik's opponent appeared.

It was a round, pink small creature with huge eyes and a look that just screamed over-cute. Erik's eyebrows arched.

"Uh…what the heck is this?"

"Ummmmm…it's called a Kirby. Or just Kirby, maybe." Celeste said.

(Kirby Kirby Kirby that's a name you should know!

Kirby Kirby Kirby he's the star of the show!

He's more than you think! He's got Maximum Pink!

Kirby Kirby Kirby's the One!)

(Note from Ash: There, now YOU have the damn song stuck in your head, like I did for five weeks when I first heard it. Damn you, Fox Box!)

"Are you SURE this is a doppelganger…?" Erik said as he walked up and looked at the creature. It seemed that it wanted to be friends.

And then it opened its mouth and inhaled, and Erik yelled as he was suddenly sucked into it. Celeste's eyes went wide.

"Honey?"

Erik suddenly reappeared, looking rather stunned at what had happened. Kirby flipped up and glowed, and then sprouted a small set of claws that looked like a cute version of Erik's talons. He then pulled out a cute Redemption sword and grew a cute V scar. Erik felt like he was going to die of a sugar overload. He wondered if his arm had any insulin in its medical supplies…

"Beh!" Kirby said, indicating he was ready to fight. Erik sighed and took up his fighting position.

Over the next twenty minutes he was reminded of a certain thing in life: looks could be deceiving.

Celeste, meanwhile, went from watching in amazement as Kirby expertly mimicked everything Erik could do (He comes RIGHT BACK AT YA! RIGHT BACK AT YA!) and laughing at the sheer absurdity of watching the super cute creature and her husband beat the living bejesuses out of each other.

Meanwhile, on a small planet orbiting a red sun somewhere in Juraian space…

Phil was feeling none of that good humor as he stared down the man before him. "Look, 'Lobo,' or whatever you call yourself, I don't care if you ARE fully licensed by the Bounty Hunter's Guild. You are NOT collecting on Kione!"

The tall man laughed, almost dropping the cigar from his mouth. His skin was a pure white that sharply contrasted his long, black hair. His glowing red eyes seemed to leak energy into the air around him. He was dressed like an Earthling biker, from his black leather jacket to the torn blue jeans. He had the length of a chain wrapped around one hand, while he spun a wicked looking hook at the end of said chain with his other hand.

In a voice that positively oozed with ego, he said, "Hah! You don't seem to realize who you're dealin' with, yah scrawny little bastitch! I'm Lobo, the Main Man, and I ain't lost a bounty yet!"

"What about Superman?"

"Shut up! I could kick that overgrown Boy Scout any day o' the week if I felt like it! 'Sides, he ain't here now, ain't he? I've got ten million Jurai riding on this job, and I'm takin' these two dames whether ya' like it 'er not!"

Speaking of "those two dames," Kione and Mihoshi were currently crouching behind a handy boulder, blaster rifles ready. Not that this Xarnian had been much affected by them earlier, but if Phil couldn't stop this guy…

Phil leveled his right hand at Lobo, fingers spread out. "I'm going to give you five reasons why you are going to get onto your flying motorcycle and get the hell out of here. One." Phil curled his pinky in. "One of these Galaxy Police officers just happens to be my girlfriend. Two." The ring finger followed its smaller cousin. "I haven't seen her in a month. Three." Middle finger. "I haven't been having a very good month in general, so I'm a bit testy. Four." Index finger. "I don't like you. Five." Phil's thumb bent, forming a fist. "You have an approximate Power Level of 17,000. You don't have a thousandth of the strength you'd need for me to break a sweat. So back down or die!"

Lobo leapt forward, hook swinging. "I don't know who you think you are, but NOBODY, but NOBODY threatens the main man and lives ta' brag about it!" Phil seemed to ignore the attack, until a heartbeat before the hook would have decapitated him.

Phil blurred out of sight as the hook and chain flew through thin air. The wicked blade bit deep into the rocky ground at Lobo's feet. "What the hell?"

Suddenly, Lobo let out a loud WHUFF as the air was forced from his lungs by a blow to the stomach. He flew back several dozen feet. A massive granite boulder halted his velocity, the impact sending chunks of stone in all directions.

Lobo rose to his knees, rubbing his head. "Agh! Alright, what no good son of a Hajek hit the Main Man when he wasn't lookin'!? C'mon out, ya bastitch!"

"If you insist." Phil blurred into sight. Lobo noticed that at some point the brown haired man had changed from a blue police officer's uniform to a T-shirt that said, "Hello, I'm NOBODY. I can threaten the Main Man©®™."

"Alright, laughin' boy, let's see how funny it is when yer laughin' out yer ass!" Lobo leapt at Phil again, fists swinging. The Saiyan hybrid began to dance around the bounty hunter's blows. "Hold still so's I can splat ya!"

"If you insist." Phil stopped his dodging, allowing several of Lobo's punches to land on Phil's jaw. Flesh was mangled and bruised, bones broke and blood ran freely from several lacerations.

On Lobo's hands, that is.

"AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" He stuffed his hands beneath his armpits, attempting to stop the flow of blood. "Who the hell are you?"

Phil, feeling the need for some police brutality, shifted to Super Saiyan. A bright yellow aura surrounded Phil, even as his hair changed to the same color. "Ally to me! Nightmare to you!"

Lobo blinked. "Uh oh." Before he could blink again, Phil had treated him to a left hook across the jaw that catapulted him into low planetary orbit, screaming all the way.

Phil smirked as he shifted back to normal. He floated over to where Kione and Mihoshi were hiding. He gave Kione a warm smile. "Hi honey. Ya miss me?" Phil instantly found a green haired blur latched onto his chest. He returned the embrace, feeling a sense of completeness that he had lacked since his time traveling adventures had begun. "I'll take this as a yes. How have you been?"

Kione smiled contentedly, also feeling much happier. She snuggled deeper into her boyfriend's embrace. "Not as good as I am now. I've been so lonely."

Mihoshi posed cutely. "Aw, how romantic!"

Phil reached over and tapped the dumb blond on the neck. "Vulcan Neck Pinch."

There was a small thud, followed by a loud, but still cute, snoring. Kione didn't notice.

As she suddenly realized why she was so lonely, the green haired woman suddenly broke off the hug, a slightly angered look crossing her face. "What was the deal with that coma, anyway? I mean, do you have any idea how worried I was?"

Phil rolled his eyes. "Now THAT is a long and involved story that would be best told in friendlier surroundings than this. Say, that dinner date that I still owe you? And while we're there, you can tell me why tall, dark and gruesome was after you."

"Agreed." In an utterly spontaneous action triggered by her elation, Kione treated Phil to a passionate kiss, which he returned as well as he was able. Without breaking the lip-lock, he raised his two fingers to his forehead. After a few moments of concentration (which, needless to say, he didn't have much of to spare), the Instant Transmission did its thing, transporting them across time and space.

Meanwhile, Io was utterly repulsed by the whole affair, while Arthur was opting to adopt a neutral stance to the whole affair until he learned more of this woman.

Needless to say, the symbiote still wanted to find out if that mean guy had a spleen to eat. But Phil ignored that for the moment, as he had more important things on his mind…

Erik leapt back, shaking his head in disbelief. This couldn't be happening: He was being shown up by a walking marshmallow. As if getting beat up by a teenager wasn't bad enough, Kirby had proven to be a supreme mimicker, knowing seemingly every trick Erik had up his sleeve. Even energy attacks hadn't worked, as Kirby had just inhaled and eaten them. Then done his own attacks right back, which were just like his. Argh.

"OK…this time it's over…" Erik said as he raised his hands and formed a clear energy field in the shape of a ball above him. Red energy began to form in the ball.

"Beh!" Kirby said. Apparently he couldn't speak on his own, but he could mimic ala a Predator.

"Try to eat this! Eye of the Holocaust!" Erik yelled, and threw the now dark red energy ball at Kirby.

Kirby inhaled and ate it.

Up in the control room, Celeste finally fell out of her chair, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Please stop! You're killing me!" she managed to gasp out between her howls of laughter.

Kirby mumbled something that could have been a cute voice saying "Eye of the Holocaust", and spit the energy ball back at Erik.

And Erik snapped his fingers.

The ball exploded in Kirby's face, tossing the creature across the room. He bounced off the wall and landed, looking dazed as his eyes turned into spirals.

Erik took a long breath and let it out slowly. He could still hear his wife laughing.

"Stop it, will ya!"

"I'm sorry…" Celeste said before she trailed off into a storm of giggles. "You want something else?"

"Yes! Something really tough that is the antithesis of cute!"

So Celeste called up Wolverine.

167 ass kickings later…(Ash: That will hopefully keep any Wolverine fanboys from baying for my blood…)

"Why don't you just give up bub? You might be good, but I'm the best there is at what I do…" Logan said as he prepared to slash Erik's head off.

And Erik let Wolverine have it with a point-blank Last Judgment blast. The smoke cleared to reveal a badly burned Wolverine, most of his face burned off his skull.

"But twat I bo izzin bery slice." Wolverine managed to get out, before his brain, cooked from the heat, decided to let him pass out.

"Well, that was certainly humiliating." Celeste said. She had just spent the last ninety minutes watching her husband get brutalized.

"Well, I figured out a way to win." Erik said, his teeth clenched. "Turn off the VR. The false pain is beginning to feel a little too real."

Celeste did so. Erik found his wife a few minutes later.

"Took you long enough!"

"Hey, give me a break. There were a lot of stairs."

"Well, what should we do next?"

And then life, or fate, or whatever, decide it was time a little bad luck came Erik's way, as Ralph and Omi rounded the corner at the moment and saw the couple.

"I KNEW IT! HEY, THEY'RE HERE!" Ralph yelled. A second later Gochibi and Chibi Ryoko rounded the corner.

"I just had an idea. RUN!" Erik yelled, and took off. Omi blasted after them, but life decided Erik had had enough bad luck for the moment and had the door Erik and Celeste run through slam in her face. On the other side, Erik slammed his hand down on the control panel, short-circuiting it. By the time the three girls had physically pried the door open the two had a fair head start. But they kept up the chase. They were going to give Phil a surprise when he came back.

Sweet, The Lord of the Dance, had been in many places, but the Physics Police headquarters was one of his favorite haunts between his summonings and his home. Lots of things to see, do, and cause. Indeed, Sweet's power to make people sing and dance had caused quite a ruckus when he hadn't controlled his power well enough when he had first shown up, causing half the force to break out into their own musicals. This had the unfortunate side effect of distracting people from their tasks, which had the even more unfortunate side effect of a good chunk of reality nearly collapsing in on itself and destroying a few million universes. The bosses had tried to discipline Sweet, but he'd just made them do a song and dance number about their sexual inadequacies. After that little embarrassment they had struck a deal: Sweet kept his power under control when he was there and he could come and go as he pleased. At the moment he was at one of the secondary cafeterias the headquarters had. Its name was in some language Sweet couldn't pronounce, but it was one of the few places in Existence that served the drink Wulbt Yui Jauy, a vice of his. He'd ordered one and was contently making his way to a table.

There were a few entrances and exits from the room, and while Sweet had been getting his drink, Erik had come in through the largest one. The girls were hot on his heels, and he knew he needed an equalizer or he'd be caught for sure.

His sharp eyes noticed how the door was designed when he ran past it, and he quickly looked to each side of himself as he entered the door. Luck was with him: there was indeed a panel to open and close it.

As the girls rounded the corner Erik dashed over to the panel. He guessed it was operated by a code that only certain PP members knew, and he didn't. So he used his method: he smashed his hand through the panel and sent a surge of electricity into the guts of the lock. The brutal improv worked: the door whirled and slid shut in the girl's faces again. Erik blasted the inside of the panel and yanked a handful of the wires out to insure opening it via the code wouldn't be an option in the foreseeable future.

"DAMMIT!" Omi cursed as the door closed in her face. Enough was enough, as she thrust her hands up. "MA…"

"NO! DON'T!" Ralph panted as he caught up. "You'll set off the base defenses! Plus, god knows how many people are behind there. You'll have to pry it open!"

"But Ralph, this thing's…"

"Girls, it will take a shorter amount of time to pry open the door then go back around and find another way into that room! Now go, please!" Ralph said. The girls grumbled a bit, but got to work prying on the door. Ralph used the Force to help out here he could.

"Ah, there." Erik said, taking a step back. They'd be long gone by the time they got the door open. He turned around, looking for Celeste. And it was at this time he walked into Sweet, hard enough to knock him down.

"Ooops, sorry." Erik tossed over his shoulder as he headed over to Celeste, who had gotten a drink out of a machine and was chugging it.

Sweet was greatly annoyed. He'd lost his drink, and to make it worse he had lost it all over himself. He got up in a snapping jump that looked like a dance move and glared at the leaving Erik. Well, he may have said he wouldn't use his power for no reason, but this was a good enough reason.

Then again, he didn't feel like doing a whole new skit. That took effort, and he was trying to relax.

But maybe…he had recently had a very good performance…and repeating it with a slight change here and there would be easy. And that would show that man to be more polite…

"You ok?" Erik asked, as Celeste lowered her water bottle.

"Just thirsty…and getting a little tired of running…" Celeste said, her tone cranky.

"Sorry sweetie, but these people, I mean…" Erik said, and then his bad luck happened again as he moved his arm a bit and knocked over another drink. At least this one was one table.

"Hey! Stupid man! You spill drink!" said the apparent owner, a female with a sword and a strange way of talking. Had Erik scanned her, he would have learned she was an Amazon named Gel, but he didn't.

"Sorry. I'll…" Erik began.

"Stupid man! Will pay!" Gel said, as she stood, unsheathed her sword, and swung…

Erik, almost calmly, called up the Redemption blade and intercepted the Amazon's sword. A quick twist of his arm and he disarmed her, tossing the sword away towards an empty table.

"I apologized, please don't attack me." Erik said as he dissipated the sword again. He turend back to Celeste, not noticing the new look of shock, surprise, and a hint of lust come into Gel's vision.

"You see, that's a prime representation of what I feel the problem is. We get in way too many fights! Even when we aren't looking for fights, we find fights! I really wonder if my whole life is gonna be like this." Celeste said, finishing her soft drink.

"Well sweetie…"

And it was roughly at this point that Sweet stepped in. When Celeste opened her mouth, something else came out instead of just plain speech. (Writer's Note: Everything done in brackets here are actions performed during the song)

Celeste: Every single night, the same arrangement!

We go out and fight the fight.

Even I begin to feel a strange estrangement,

That it's not always real, and not always right.

(Crushes her can) I've been making shows (kicks it into a garbage) of trading blows,

But now I think I know…

We're just going through the motions.

Walking through the part.

I've been feeling that way ever since the start…

Erik: Well we may be brave, and always righteous,

But still you can start wavering…

But give it some more thought, you'll find this fight just

Might mean something.

Klingon at Nearby Table: Get back into the swing.

Erik: Thanks for noticing.

(At this point, due to the rather sweeping nature of Sweet's powers, other people and beings get drawn into the song. In this case, Asuka, Akane, and an alternate version of Ayeka, who are sitting at another table)

The Anime Girls: They do really well with fiends from hell,

But even we can tell…

She's just going through the motions.

Faking it somehow.

Akane: Maybe that's not all she's faking…! (Erik DECKS her) Ow. (passes out)

Erik: (while not noticing Gel the Amazon sneaking up on him) It won't be this way forever,

One can't sleepwalk through one's life endeavour..

(MWA-WHA! Gel grabs Erik and kisses him. Celeste is quite shocked at this)

Gel: Now we are married…!

(POW! Celeste kicks her across the cafeteria)

Celeste: Whatever.

I just don't wanna be…

Going through the motions.

Losing all my drive…

But my eyes can see…

This life is truly me…

And it lets me keep others…alive…

The song ended at that point, and Celeste and Erik stood there looking a bit stunned.

"Were we just…"

"Singing?"

"What the heck?" Erik said, shaking his head. "We just broke out into song like a musical! What the hell!"

"What could have caused THAT?" Celeste asked.

"Well I don't know…" Erik said, and then Sweet waved his hand and it started all over again.

Erik: I've got a theory, that it's that demon!

A demon that makes us sing and dance, no wait, something isn't right there….

Little Nemo The Dream Master: (from another table) I've got a theory, maybe you're dreaming,

And this all just some wacky Broadway Nightmare!

Celeste: I've got a theory we should find this out…(Erik joins in)

Celeste/Erik: It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?

Gemna: It could be women!

This silly women! Weak in body and mind…

(sees every woman in the cafateria glaring at him)

Butthenwomenwerepersecutedandthey'rekindandgenerous,

AndumgogirlpowerandI'llbeoverherenow…SAOTOME DESPEATION MOVE!

Zia: I've got a theory, it could be bunnies!

(Crickets chirp. Erik and Celeste stare at that silly suggestion and then move on)

Celeste: I've got a theory…

Zia: (hijacks the song, while rocking out) BUNNIES!

They aren't just cute like everyone supposes!

They got them hoppy legs!

And twitchy little noses!

And what's with all the carrots? Why do they need such great eyesight for anyway?

BUNNIES! BUNNIES! IT MUST BE BUNNIES!

(Everyone is now staring at her)

Zia: (sits down) Or maybe chibis.

Erik: I've got a theory we should get off this floor…

We need to make some tracks before the girls open that door…

Celeste: I've got a theory, it doesn't matter…

(Song shifts to just Erik and Celeste)

Celeste: What can't we face if we're together?

What's in this world that we can't weather?

Dangerous times…

We've both been there.

The same old trips

Why should we care?

Erik/Celeste: What can't we do if we get in it?

We'll work it through within a minute

We'll have to try

Roll with the punch

It's do or die

Celeste: Hey, we've both died once.

Erik/Celeste: What can't we face if we're together? (What can't we face…?)

What's in this place that we can't weather? (If we're together…)

There's nothing we can't face…

Ralph: Except for us…

Erik and Celeste snapped out of the song to see a smirking Ralph standing there. What Erik had just mentioned had happened: Ralph and the girls had pried the doors open. They didn't know why Erik had been singing, but that didn't matter: they had him cornered.

"………….Ah crap!" Erik cursed, and he and Celeste broke for the lines of elevators that were at the end of the cafeteria.

Erik was ten feet from the elevator door when Omi materialized in front of him.

"Damn!" he cursed, and he and Celeste tried a change of direction. It didn't work, as the two other future girls were suddenly flanking him. He whirled.

"Checkmate, Christopher." Ralph said as he strode up with an ignited lightsaber. "Why don't you go peacefully? Or else you can go in pieces."

Erik glanced at his wife, and then at his situation.

"There's nothing you can do, Christopher. Give it up."

And Sweet activated his power again. The closest people to the boy would probably wind up in the song again, and if they didn't actually sing themselves they would not interrupt the song. Indeed, someone randomly breaking out into song would seem perfectly natural to them during the time they sang.

"One last time Christopher." Ralph said.

"Why are you calling me that?" Erik asked.

"It's your name, isn't it?" Ralph said as he walked up to the two. He was going to put the handcuffs on, and if Erik resisted the girls would see to it.

"I wonder…" Erik said.

"What's to wonder?"

"Christopher was a sweet kid. Maybe he lives on within me, but sometimes I think…" Erik said, and then suddenly he started singing again, softly this time.

Erik: He died… so many years ago…
And you can't make me know that it isn't so…
I used to wonder also why you chase me so hard
But I think I finally know…

"Oh? Why?" Ralph said, acting like Erik was speaking and not singing to him. The surrounding diners watched, wondering where this song would go.

Erik: Yeah. You're scared, scared of what I say…
It scares you that what I see, life might just be that way…
Well say I hear with madman's ears
Then I'll lie and say it's ok…

Yeah, it's great

Erik began walking away from Ralph slowly, still singing.

Erik: No, I don't want to play
Believing that delusion is how THEY get their way
Well since I'm just insane to you, just ignore what I say…
But let me rest in peace!

Erik leapt up on a table.

Erik: Let me rest in peace, go back to your walking sleep!
I'll go take the wicked and bury them in a hole six foot deep!
Maybe one day I'll be done and I will find release…
So let me rest in peace!

Erik hopped down in front of the girls, who had by now gathered together. He walked right up to them.

Erik:You know, you got a willing slave
Your sweet innocence is what I fight to save
And to preserve it I'll fight until I'm buried in my grave…
So let me rest in peace…

Erik walked back to Ralph, staring into his eyes.

Erik: You know, I should go
Yet you follow me like I am possessed
But there's a heart here beneath my breast
And a noble cause within my quest
And those I kill have NOTHING in their chest

Ralph met Erik's steely gaze, not flinching.

Erik: But I can see you're unimpressed…
So leave me be and

Erik suddenly turned from Ralph and, grabbing the two nearest tables, overturned them so violently they almost flew through the air, amidst a chorus of yells of surprise

Erik: Let me rest in peace!

He kicked a chair through the air. It hit another diner, a large armadillo-like creature, some feet away. Unfortunately, the creature didn't have the best eyesight, and not being able to tell exactly what hit it, settled for hitting the closest target.


Erik: Go back to your walking sleep!

He fired some energy blasts into another cluster of diners. That touched off another fight.

Erik: Let me take the Corrupt and bury them
In a hole six foot deep!

Erik kicked another table, sliding it across the floor before it hit another table, causing a domino effect. The cafeteria finally erupted into a full blown riot. Erik gestured to Celeste with his head even as he danced away from Ralph and the girls.

Erik: Let me do the dirty work, you can stay as clean as a lamb's fleece

But let me rest in peace!

Erik and Celeste slid into an empty elevator, even as Ralph finally overcame the effects of Sweet's power.

"HEY!

"Why won't you let me rest in peace?" Erik sang, as he waved. "Bye Ralph!"

And the door closed.

"NO! Ryoko, quick, override the-ARGH!" Ralph grunted as he was tackled by an angry Kree alien. The girls ran to help Ralph instead, and by the time the riot had been sorted out, Erik and Celeste were long gone.

"Well, that was fun!" Ralph said, as he used the Force to remove stewed carrots from his hair.

"Blasted crazy vigilante! I was prepared for some weird tactic to compensate for our power, but I never knew he would SING!" Omi said.

"And he still tried to convince us he wasn't a nutcase! Ugh! I'm gonna pound him even more now!" Chibi Ryoko said.

Ralph was silent. He would have joined in with the girl's denouncement of Erik, except…

Being older, Ralph had seen some things the girls had not yet had the "privilege" to view. And after spending so much time chasing Erik around and being immersed in his "Evil must be punished, and terribly" philosophy, he couldn't help but get a little of the Stockholm Syndrome and wonder if he actually had some idea of what he was talking about.

And listening to the girls, he wondered about their future. They'd seen bad things, true, but had they seen BAD things? World-destroying superbeings were one thing, but sometimes the deviancy of one malformed human mind was infinitely worse…

He could only wonder what to do with them on that regard. Should he warn them, and risk damaging their childish minds with stuff they were not ready to understand? Or should he let life take whatever course it may and expose them to such things on it's own…and perhaps do far worse damage then he ever could…

And in the corner, Sweet, having had his original target run out on him, but still on the mode for more fun, reached out once more.

Ralph: Are not ready
For the world outside?
I keep pretending
But now I just can't hide
I know I said that I'd be
Standing by your side
But I....

Your path's may be unbeaten
It may all be uphill
And you may bravely meet it
Or perhaps you never will
And perhaps I'll be the reason
That you're standing still
But I...

I wish I could say the right words
To lead you through this land
Wish I could play the father
And take you by the hand
Wish I could stay the darkness
But now I understand
I could be standing in the way

The cries around you
You don't hear at all
'Cause you know I'm here
To take their call
So you just lie there
When you should be standing tall
But I....

I wish I could lay your arms down
And let you rest at last
Wish I could slay your demons
But that time may now have passed
Wish I could stay
Your stalwart, standing fast
But I could just standing in the way
Maybe, I'm just standing in the way…

"What, Ralph?" Gochibi said. Ralph blinked. What the hell had just happened.

"Uhh…nothing Gochibi. Let's see if we can clean this mess up so Phil won't be TOO upset when he shows up…"

"Can't I have any time off? I am sure there are labour laws being violated here!" Phil stewed as he walked down the hallway with Kione. He was just starting to get comfortable when the call had come to him: Erik had raised a ruckus, and they needed him. As always. So here we was. There was little comfort in the fact that Kione had decided to come along with him.

"It's ok Phil. They'll be another time." Kione said, trying to comfort her angry boyfriend.

"Yeah, well, that's what they'll say! Then there'll be a Tunagwe stampede in the Largraxz dimension or a sink hole will open up in…" Phil cursed.

"It's ok Phil."

"No it's not! Nor for me, and especially not for you!" Phil said.

"Phil, it doesn't matter what happens. Or what time I spend with you. It…well…" Kione said.

Sweet's power had a ricochet effect of sorts, as it tended to spread out and touch people related to where the songs had originally started. And that's just what happened, as the riot had unnerved Sweet a bit and lessened his control, and his power reached out and touched Kione and Phil.

Kione: I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn't seem so sad though,
I figured that was my place
Now I'm bathed in light
Something just isn't right

I'm under your spell
How else could it be
Anyone would notice me?
It's magic, I can tell
How you set me free
Brought me away from Mihoshi

I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
Everyone else took it for granted
I was the one not there
But your power shone
Brighter than any I've known

I'm under your spell
Nothing I can do
You just took my soul with you
You worked your charm so well
Finally, I knew
Everything I dreamed was true
You make me believe...

Chorus: (which comes out of nowhere and leaves just as quickly)Ah ah, ah ah ah...
Ah ah, ah ah ah...

Kione: The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside

I'm under your spell
Surging like the sea
Pulled to you so helplessly
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstacy
Spread beneath my…

"Commander?" Ralph said, and the song abruptly ended. It had been quite a site: Phil walking into the room, being led by a singing Kione and watching like he was in a trance.

Phil shook his head.

"What happened? Was I just…"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh…no." Ralph said, not wanting to explain.

"OK then." Phil said, and headed over to the future girls.

"What's the problem Ralph?"

"Vigilante. Clever bastard. Causing a lot of headaches." And making me ponder questions I really don't want to.

"Really? Poor Phil…" Kione said, as the girls spoke with Phil and he acted like the news was painful to him.

And then Sweet's power kicked in yet again.

Kione: I'm under your spell
God, how could this be?
Cause so much pain to my Phil-y
I know he's been through hell
God, don't you see?
There'll be nothing left of he
Please make me believe

Ralph: Believe me, I don't want you to know…

Ralph and Kione: And it'll grieve me
'Cause I love you so
But we both know…all innocence must go…

(The next bit, they sing at the same time, but in written form, Ralph will come first)

Ralph: Wish I could say the right words and lead you through this land.

Wish I could be the father and take you by the hand…

Kione: Wish I could trust,

That it would just be this once…

But fate does as it must…

And though it fills me with disgust…

But it's done, though it ain't just…

Ralph/Kione: It just cannot stay…

It just cannot stay…

It just cannot stay…

It just cannot…stay…

"I knew it! You people have flipped your lids! No wonder he got away!" Phil said, and Ralph snapped out of it. "AND WHY ARE WE ALL SINGING?"

"Maybe that's why he got away. They started…" Kione suggested.

"Hey, we didn't start singing! We had him. And then we all had to witness Erik doing an off-off-off-off Broadway performance. But while he was forced to sing, just like we have been, it appears his computers were able to deduce an escape plan. And hence we're back to where we started."

"OK then, plan B. Since we don't have Erik, maybe we should look for the thing causing this…"

"I have a suggestion."

Eveyone turned as Ecks suddenly spoke up, looking at the semi-senshi as she gestured. They didn't ask when she had arrived: they assumed it had been recently.

"Seeing how the only ones who are here as well are us and various guards cleaning up the mess, and you guys are still doing your little musicals, I would have to say…him." Ecks said, gesturing to the sitting Sweet. The demon was sitting contently, drinking something, unperturbed by the three angry guards keeping an eye on him. He hadn't been harmed by the riot because anyone who got close to him had an uncontrollable urge to dance a jig, although it had upset him a bit, hence the slight loss of control in regards to his powers.

Phil stalked over to Sweet.

"Before you say anything, cat, you should know it was just a fair bit of turnaround after he spilled my drink. How was I supposed to know he'd use it to escape your agents?" Sweet said, and took a sip of the vile-looking concoction he was drinking.

Phil glowered.

"That still gave you no right to play with us! ARGH! You are an idiot! Moron! Stupid! ARGH!" Phil finally sputtered, and stalked off. Once again, Sweet looked unhappy.

"I don't like being insulted either, buddy…" Sweet said. Maybe one more remix was in order…

"Phil…" Kione said.

"Not now Kione. I need to think for a second." Specifically, on how my life sucks so hard it manages to blow at the same time.

Phil stalked over to where a small pile of rubble that was once some tables and chairs were burning. He looked at the flames.

"Nothing in my life goes the way it should. Nothing. Everything has to be different." Phil aid. On a sudden impulse, he stuck his hand in the flames for the second and then pulled it out. Music suddenly began to play in the background, but Phil didn't even notice as Sweet's power took over again, even as the demon smirked and made his exit, stage left.

Phil: I touch the fire, and it freezes me
I look into white and I see black
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
I want normalcy back

A vision of Erik appeared in Phil's mind.

Phil: Now through the smoke
He's mocking me
To make my way across the flame
Hell! I'll win the day!
Or maybe melt away…
I guess it's all the same…

Phil turned and walked dramatically away from the burning kindling and down the hallway.

Phil: So I will
Walk through the fire
'Cause where else can I turn?
I will
Walk through the fire
And let it -

Far away, Erik was standing in another elevator, thinking over his close call and how it was probably effecting Phil.

Erik: The torch he bears
Is scorching he…
He's fuming, he thinks that I'm to blame
But I will not throw this fight! He's wrong, and I am right!
…I feel bad all the same

Celeste: Cause he is
Drawn to the fire
Some people...

Erik: He will...

Erik and Celeste:...never learn
So we will
Meet through the fire
And let it-

Ralph noticed Phil was leaving a second before his boss vanished down the hallway. He looks accusingly up at the sky.


Ralph: Why must you always make him suffer?
He's as hard as diamond and probably tougher…
Is there anything up there that dares to care?


Kione: What if Phil can't defeat it?


Omi: Why are we standing here, we're needed
Or do we just stand around and glare?

Ralph, Ecks, Kione, Omi, Gochibi, Chibi Ryoko: We'll see it through
It's what we're always here to do
So we will
Walk through the fire

Phil turned, but he saw no one following him, even though Ralph and co had started after him.

(The following lines overlap. Download the song or see the Buffy episode I'm parodying to see what I mean)

Phil: So one by one
They turn from me
I guess my friends can't face the cold

(Erik: The sane are…

Ralph: Hey watch your tone
Only the mad fight on alone…

Erik: …no challenge… )

Phil: (smiles) And I'm still sane I'm told…

Omi: We'll show this whacko he's quite dim

(Erik: So one by one
They follow me)

Phil: First, I'll kill him, then I'll hurt him!

Ecks: Everything is turning out so dark

(Celeste: The distant redness as their guide…)


(Kione: Oh Phil you'll win…)


Erik: No, Phil doesn't know just what with he's dealing!


Chibi Ryoko: Ash keeps ripping off "Once More, With Feeling".


Ralph: No matter what we'll always have the spark.


(Erik: It's what one has inside)


Phil: This endless chase…


(Erik: They will come...

Phil: Will be ending in a blaze


Erik: ...to me)


Phil, Ralph, Ecks, Kione, Omi, Gochibi, Chibi Ryoko: And we are
Caught in the fire
The point of no return

(Erik and Celeste join in)

All: So we will
Walk through the fire
And let it
Burn
Let it burn…

(Power starts crackling around Phil)

Let it burn…

(He goes Super Saiyan as he approaches a door)


Let it BURN!

Phil's power suddenly caused the door to explode off the hinges, and that finally snapped the group out of the song.

"…..No. We did not…NOT AGAIN!"

"Bravo Squire! Though art a magnificent minstrel!" Arthur said in Phil's head.

"ARGH! OK SWEET, YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!"

Erik glanced around the corner just to make sure history wasn't planning to repeat itself.

"Looks like we lost them." Erik said. He wasn't very happy. Running wasn't his thing, and he resented it slightly.

"Well then, we may as well…" Celeste began, and then her husband brushed past her, heading off some destination known only to him. She sighed and followed.

And by a freak stroke of luck, Sweet emerged from a stairway behind them, on his way to a Gateway that would take him back home. He recognized the vigilante from the back and smirked.

"Well, why not? One more, and perhaps a new one this time, kind of. And just to be nice, he wouldn't even have the vigilante sing. But that didn't mean eh could stop him…

And Sweet reached out once more with what he called a "Tribute" song, in which the person he had chosen would not sing, but others would sing about them. In most cases, the tributed one would not even notice or be able to stop the song. So, as Erik walked (or stalked, mostly) down the hallway, Celeste at his heels, he barely noticed a menacing tune start up in the background, as various Physics Policemen got pulled into the song.

PP Male Guard: When a cold wind blows it chills you, chills you deep within!

PP Female Guard: And there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart like seeing the worst of humanity's sins!

PP Male Soldier: It taints your mind and twists your heart, warps all your eyes do see!

PP Male Soldier 2: And the worst of the worst!

PP Male Soldier 3: The most hated and cursed!

PP Male Soldier 4: Is the Last Ravensky!

PP Male Guard 2: Feeling guilt Aplenty!

PP Male Guard 3: He's earned the wrath of many!

Both: Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky!

Groups (As Erik walks by): There goes Mr. Vengeance, there goes Mr. Grim.

If they gave a prize for being mean, the winner would be him!

Group of Soldiers: Old Erik, he loves his image, he thinks it give the bad men jitters!

Group of Sentient Vegetables: If he became a flavor you can bet he would be bitter!

Guy By Sentient Vegetables: (not singing) Man, even the vegetables know this guy's rep!

Groups: There goes Mr. Vicious, there goes Mr. Flipped!

Every time you think there's no line to cross, he jumps right over it!

Group of Soldiers: He claims to protect the innocent, ignoring how much he scares them!

Parents: We don't want to be protected by someone like that!

Children: But they don't dare to tell him!

Groups: There goes Mr. Messed Up, there goes Mr. Nuts

For all the Corrupt he's chopped up and slashed, he keeps looking for more cuts!

Lawyers: For all the bad men he deals with, more pop up every minute.

Cops: But don't tell him his view is impossible.

Kid: His whole life is tied up in it!

Group of Women: He must be so lonely, he must be so sad.

To go to such extremes to convince us he's bad.

He's really a victim of other's greed and pride.

Look closely, there must be a sweet man inside…

Celeste: (not singing) There is.

Group of Women:………..NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Groups: There goes Mr. Screwed In The Head, There goes Mr. Cruel!

PP Officers: He never stops, he never quits, he lets his violence rule!

Very Large Group of People forming behind Erik as he walks: If being bad is something that you practice and rehearse…

Then Vengeance must practice every day, because every day he just gets worse!

Every day, in every way, HE JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE!

Erik whirled to look at the group behind him, fixing them with a stone-melting glare. Suddenly everyone was yelling on how they had things to do as they scattered. Erik watched them go their ways. He'd acted like he didn't hear the song. But he had.

It was his life.

"…………You people will never understand." He muttered.

He turend and found Celeste looking at a notice she had pulled off the wall.

"Hey Erik, check this out! They're holding some kind of maze race! What better place to hide then in plain sight?"

Erik looked at the notice. It was for some kind of competition that involved the competitors to race through a large maze, having to stop for "challenges" along the way. Whoever made it to the end won a prize, and whoever didn't…well, it didn't say, but it didn't sound pleasant.

"Can we enter? Canwecanwecanwecanwe?"

"You can if you stop acting like Lindsay."

"Happyhappy! Funfunfun fu…!"

"CELESTE!"

"Oh geez, lighten up hero."

Erik should have known better.

It had seemed legit. He and his wife had proceeded to the place where the race had happened, signed up, and went to the waiting place. The fact that you had to state all your skills had allowed Erik to relax: Maybe the tests would deal with whatever you could do. Every competitor was given a watch-like device that would glow when they had completed whatever task they had been given (or if they were beyond help), and when they pressed it, the device would open up a door to teleport you to the next part of the maze. Depending on how well, or badly, you did, you could go anywhere. It had seemed interesting.

Then the race had started. Erik and Celeste had split up, and in retrospect, he was glad of it. He didn't want her to see this latest scene of ludicrousness he had become part of.

"Martial Arts Watermelon Race." From the moment Erik had seen the banner, he knew that the odds were against him surviving with his dignity intact.

The rules were simple. Everyone was given a mallet and a watermelon. Despite the title of "race," the goal was not so much to make it from point A to point B as to keep the watermelon intact. The last three that could manage to keep their melons in one piece were permitted to move on to the next level, longevity determining the quality of said level.

The waiting had been the worst. In order to keep numbers up in later levels of the game, only a dozen people could compete at a time. Erik supposed that the other starting levels were similarly packed, although he could not be sure. He also assumed that since fewer people would be playing more games in the next round, he would not have to wait again. So, his best option was to grin and bear it.

But bearing it was not easy. As far as things went, this was one of the top ten most ridiculous experiences he had ever had. There he was, standing on a beach in a crowd of the weirdest that the multiverse could dredge up, holding a mallet in one hand and a watermelon in the other.

Ludicrous or not, the spectators at least had a treat. In the first match, a redhead wearing a swimsuit with the word "Boy" written across the front head dominated her competition. Although Erik quickly realized that her impossible speeds were energy assisted, making her ability less impressive than Nightwing's, her form had been flawless.

And her martial arts style wasn't bad either. (Rimshot). Erik groaned. Note to self: hurt Soulfire when I get home.

Although her competitors ranged from the unusual to the outright bizarre, (where did that Panda keep those signs, anyhow?), she had waded through all of them with a casual ease.

In the second round, things had been a bit more insane. Insane being the only way to describe a fight between some dimensional version of Trunks and some weird, green headed man in a yellow tux. Although Trunks had done his best, the strange man's stamina had been too great, eventually leading Trunks into a fatal blunder.

Fatal for the watermelon, that is. Erik hoped that the shirt wasn't as expensive as it looked.

Now, however, it was his turn. He and a dozen other contestants stepped out onto a section of the beach that had not been blasted away in the previous contest. It was a decidedly small area. Good, because it gives my opponents less room to maneuver. Bad because it restricts me the same way. It's all going to be close quarters combat here; let's hope all that training has paid off.

With the wave of a flag and the blow of a whistle, the game began.

A somewhat effeminate man dressed in traditional Japanese robes was Erik's first foe. In lieu of the mallet, he had opted for a wooden training sword. He smirked. "So, ill bred swine, you wish to match skills with the scion of the noble house of Kuno? Ha! Although your defeat shall be humiliating, know well that you lost to…" Tatewaki Kuno glanced around. "What are you…" Kuno felt a wet sensation along his side. "My melon! What sorcery is this?"

Erik whistled casually as he walked away from the blowhard. As Kuno disappeared in special effects reminiscent of Star Trek, Erik responded, "The sorcery of gloating after you win a fight." After the 'ill bred' crack, he had considered giving the man what-for. However, Erik's talent had revealed the young man to be more delusional than corrupt, so he had let it slide.

"Banzai!"

That was when a small foot caught him in the face. Although only moderately strong, it was fast enough that he was forced to stumble backwards. "Augh! What…" He looked up to see a small, Hindu girl with white hair smiling at him. The aura he was getting off of her indicated that it was probably a rare occurrence for her face to be in anything but that smile.

"Hello, I'm Su! I hope you'll enjoy playing with my toys." Tucking the watermelon under one arm, she whipped out a large remote control and pressed a large, red button. Nothing happened for several seconds.

Erik raised a single eyebrow in response. "And what exactly is that supposed to…" Erik paused as he felt a rumbling beneath his feet. "What the hell…" The ground beneath him exploded, sending him flying. Although he lost his mallet in the process, he managed to keep his melon intact.

And the fruit isn't in bad shape either. (Rimshot.) Argh! That sword infected me somehow! I just know it!

Erik's thoughts of revenge were forgotten as he observed the source of the disturbance. Blotting out the sun, more massive than many buildings, was a gigantic, mechanized…

Turtle. Although several gun ports and its metal exterior indicated its mechanical nature, Erik could have sworn that he was facing off with an extra from a bad Japanese monster movie.

Su grinned. "How do you like my new Mecha Tama-chan?" She pressed another button. "I had a tough time getting the Hellfire Missiles, but it was worth it!"

Erik muttered, "Hellfire… aw shit!" Several missiles flew out of previously unseen ports and straight at Erik.

He dropped the melon for a moment, letting it sink into the warm sand as his hands glowed a bright red. "Smoldering Blood!" He unleashed several of the attacks, detonating the missiles long before they got close enough to annihilate him.

Erik and the melon were blown back by the explosion, Erik barely managing to catch the fruit in mid flight. He rolled with his landing, ending up at the feet of one of the judges. He stood up quickly. "WHY ISN'T SHE DISQUALIFIED YET!?"

The man shrugged. "There isn't anything in the rules against using mecha, nor any rule saying that you have to use the mallet provided to destroy your opponent's melons."

Erik glared at the judge. "Thank you very much for telling me this important information in a timely manner. NOT!" Erik roared, and he tossed his watermelon up into the air. "DEATH OF 1000 DEMONS!" A flurry of white projectiles flew out, catching the robotic turtle across its torso and head. It was quickly obscured at primary and secondary explosions made short work of the mecha.

On the sidelines, a man dressed in a costume reminiscent of the Flash called out, "Hey! I only counted 999 blasts! You're one short!"

Erik made a show of reaching into invisible pockets. "Wait, wait, it's around here somewhere…"

"Mecha… Tama-chan…" Su's eyes teared up as she saw the remains of her creation. She glanced down. "Oh well. At least I still have my melon!"

Erik's hand was encased in white energy. "There it is!" He shot off his final bolt, hitting Su's melon dead on.

Erik glanced around like a man possessed, his hands wreathed in white energy. "Well? WHO ELSE WANT'S SOME!?"

The only remaining contestant, a Wookie, looked down at his melon, then up at Erik. With a single move, he smashed his own melon with the mallet.

"I thought so." Erik spun on his heel and started walking back into the crowd, munching on a slice of watermelon and feeling much better. I wonder how Celeste is doing?

************

Celeste groaned. I'm in hell. There is no other logical explanation for it.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. What could be better than a little fun and togetherness to help her husband lighten up? Then the race had started. Erik and Celeste had split up, and in retrospect, she was glad of it. She didn't want him to see this latest scene of ludicrousness she had become part of.

A monkey dressed in a kimono identical to the one that Celeste was wearing leapt at her and scratched at her face. As Celeste's legs had been bound to make sure that she didn't break the rules of the competition, i.e., "contestants must remain in a kneeling position at all times," she could not find her balance in time to avoid falling to the ground.

She wiped the blood from her face with what was obviously very expensive material. Whoever thought up "Martial Arts Tea Ceremony" should be drug out into the street and shot. Oh well; there were bigger fish to fry.

The monkey landed across from her and screeched several times. Then, it raised one hand, and one very meaningful finger.

Fire seemed to flare up in Celeste's eyes. In the blink of an eye, the Ruined Soul daggers were in her hands. "To quote Professor Frink, 'That monkey is going to pay. Gahoy.'"

End Part 64

BobCat's Blog: Two things. First off, I know that there weren't mallets in the original Martial Arts Melon Race. However, mallets=comedy. Secondly, thanks to all of you who sent in letters. However, due to a recent crackdown by FFNET, I won't be posting on this site. I will post the answer page on the Lost Library of Florestica. I'll let you know when I do. That's all.