Part 65

Scientific Progress Goes "Boink"

Erik popped up in amongst a group of about twenty people.

"He's the last one!"

"Ok, what kind of game is this…?" Erik said, looking at his watch.

"Uh buddy, just turn around." One of the other players said.

Erik blinked, and did so.

The huge sign seemed to pop out of nowhere as fireworks exploded around it.

CATCH ROCKY, THE RABID RACOON!

"O… Kaaaay..." Erik said. Déjà vu. Where have I heard that name?

"WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then a wild-eyed CGI looking raccoon suddenly ran through the masses, knocking some of them over before he jumped on Erik's head and bounced off, giving the group a raspberry as he dashed off down the hall.

"Oh yeah, that cartoon. Jeez, can't the authors have ANY original ideas?" Erik pondered. The sky rumbled. "Then again…" Erik said, and took off after Rocky.

The various aliens and men/women watched him, some shaking their heads and some laughing.

"He obviously didn't read the rules…"

Erik dashed off after Rocky. He wasn't as fast as him, but he could plan, while Rocky just ran. The two ran through various hallways, rooms, over pits and up hills, and even through a room covered with ice.

"WHOA!" Rocky yelled as he slipped. Erik saw the ice and leapt, sliding along it as he snapped out his claws.

"I WIN!"

He swung his claws.

And they went right through Rocky.

"Didn't read the rules, didja?" Rocky said. He gave Erik another raspberry and took off again. Erik slapped his head and looked at his watch.

"Yadda yadda Rocky can only be killed with room-granted power ups? Nuts! Guess I'm heading back to the main room." Erik said.

He passed a couple of his competitors as they ran past him with various guns and hand-held weapons. By the time he made it back to the first room however, there was only one power up left.

"A guitar?" Erik said, picking up the instrument. "What, am I supposed to play Honky Tonk Man? How do I use this as a weapon?"

Rocky ran past Erik, and a few seconds later five people followed him, three of them firing various guns which were missing Rocky by the proverbial mile.

"Hmmmm…" Erik said as he looked at his watch. It told him that instructions for each tool could be found in the game room. However, it didn't give any specific location, so Erik had to go hunting.

As various people chased Rocky (with no success), Erik wandered from room to room, occasionally finding scripts floating in the air. None of them had info for how his guitar was supposed to work though.

Less and less people crossed Erik's path as the game apparently failed them and sent them on the loser's path.

Finally, after climbing on top of a big metal block, Erik found the instructions for his guitar. He scanned through them.

"I see…"

Elsewhere, a black man with a big T painted on his face tried to smash Rocky with a sledgehammer, but the raccoon apparently had some gopher blood in him as he kept ducking into a series of holes away from the hammer.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

And then Rocky was suddenly on Mr. Terrific's head.

"Frustrating, isn't it?" Rocky said.

Mr. Terrific tried to smash Rocky and just clonked himself in the face with the hammer. He fell over, dazed, and then disappeared in a flash of light.

"Guess that's everyone!" Rocky said, and then his stomach growled.

"Ohhhhh, so hungry! Why do I sign up for this? It's so exhausting! Neeeeed food!" Rocky said, and ran off to find a vending machine.

Erik found the raccoon as he banged on a vending machine, trying to make it cough up some food despite his lack of change. OK…I can't sing or play the guitar, but I can fake this well enough…

A guitar playing drew Rocky's attention from the vending machine, and he looked to see the man who had chased him at the beginning leaning on the wall, strumming a guitar.

"Uh…raccoon searching high and low…for the food to make him go…" Erik sang. Intrigued, Rocky pulled out a pair of maracas and began shaking them to Erik's tune, dancing around.

Erik waited until Rocky had danced close.

"And if I catch him in my trap!" Erik sang, and pressed a button on his guitar.

A giant cage suddenly appeared over the two and fell down, sealing Rocky in. Rocky's eyes went wide.

"I'm gonna make me A RACCOON HAT!" Erik snapped, and pressed the other button on his guitar. A blade sprang out.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

CHOCK!

Rocky's head flew off, but since it was just a game there was no blood or gore. Erik reached out and caught the organ.

"Thanks buddy! A headlong fall can be really painful!" Rocky's head said.

"You start making head jokes, I use you as a soccer ball. Got it?" Erik said.

"Gotcha! Hey, I cry foul! I never saw that powerup! Is it new?"

"Guess so."

"Game over." Erik's watch said, and then he was teleported away. Rocky's head fell to the ground.

"Uh, little help here?"

***********

Celeste had played poker before.  She was no card shark (at least, she wasn't after Chastity had figured out to establish a 'no mind reading allowed' rule), and tended to lose more often than she won.

Blackjack was more familiar territory.  Unlike poker, which really needed four people to be fun, she and Erik could play the game during down times, taking turns being the dealer.  It was a useful activity, because it had helped them learn to anticipate the other without using their powers. 

When Erik is bluffing, he concentrates so hard that his robotic eye stops blinking.  Chastity tends to get a lot more serious.  Ash just has not talent at all for cards.  But these guys… are professionals.

She knew she was out of her league.  It didn't help that she was playing some alien variant card game that combined the most challenging aspects of poker and blackjack, while throwing in a few new ideas.

Sabaac, as it was called, required that the player get chips adding up to, but not exceeding, 23.  There were four suits, but they had names that related more to Star Wars, like Sabers instead of clubs.  Instead of cards, small computer chips that were subject to regular randomization were used.  Some cards were light side, and others were dark side, with the latter having negative value.  Dark side beat light side, and the ultimate trump was called the Idiot's Array.  Much like an idiot might think that 0+2+3=23, this combo was unbeatable.

Celeste attempted to sort through these strange rules, trying not to let her own tells let through. 

The objective wasn't to win.  The people who ran the race had determined that it was unfair to expect people to win consistently enough to get to a certain cash amount.  So, the objective was to either win a million credits, starting with ten thousand, or survive for an hour against without losing all of your money. 

Twenty minutes in, Celeste had less than a tenth of her stash left.  It didn't help that the guys she was playing with were so damned good…

Lando tossed down his chips, placing them in a field that avoided the randomizing.  After all, it would be just plain unfair to have someone's Idiot's Array turn into garbage at the wrong moment.  "Sabaac!  Light side, four cards!"

Celeste groaned.  I got 12.  This isn't good.

Landa reached for the stack of credit chips in the center.  "Come on, daddy needs to buy back his ship!"

A bo staff pushed away Lando's hands.  "I don' tin so, mon ami.  Sabaac, dark side, three cards."

Han Solo chuckled.  "So much for the expert gamblers… a little old smuggler like yours truly managed to get himself a Dark Idiot's Array right out from under your noses!"

There was general cursing all around.  Celeste teleported away, having only lasted twenty seven minutes.  Note to self.  Never go to Vegas.  I just hope Erik is having more luck.

***********

Erik phased into the next arena.  I wonder where the mists of Avalon have taken me this time? 

Erik found himself in… nothing.  There was pure white in all directions, with some off white for flavor.  Was there some kind of glitch?  Wait… I see something in the distance… it's coming this way… "YIPE!"  Erik barely had time to leap out of the way before what looked like a floating table (mainly because it WAS a floating table) landed where he had been standing a moment before.  Erik examined the nice, oak object and saw no mean so propulsion.  "I guess this means that this is one of those events where physics go tospy-turvey…" 

Erik's eyes spied a small card on the table.  He picked it up.  "Sorry for the delay.  Another player will arrive in two minutes.  Hmmm…. What to do with this time… man I'm glad I have pong on this thing."  From his arm came a small, pre-Game Boy game system, and Erik enjoyed the back and forth monotony of the game. 

Finally, there was a sound that reminded Erik of flaming toilet paper.  "What in…"  Whoever was coming through the dimensional portal, something was wrong…

Erik had heard of Superman.  Even though he was only a pre-change comic book in his world, everyone knew who he was.

What came through was NOT Superman.  Something was off.  The S was backwards.  The skin was pure white, and angular.  And, of course, his face had a look of pure… bliss.

By which is meant ignorance. 

Erik pointed to the bizarre creature as what looked to be the moderator of the game teleported into the blank arena.  "Hey!  He had some kind of transporter malfunction!"

A tiny man wearing a derby (and a sour expression) whipped out a gigantic rulebook.  He spoke very rapidly, giving neither Erik nor the Bizarre Superman (OK, it's Bizarro) a chance to interrupt.  "Alright, I'm Mxyzptlk, that's MR. Mxzyptlk to you.  I'm here for community service and nothing else, so let's get this over with.  Let's set a few basic ground rules.  The name of the game is Finklestein.  It's a favorite of tall, dark and stupid over here, chosen by an author who thought you were too big for your britches.  Guess which one.  Anyway, here is the official description of Finklestein, as seen in Bizarro Comics.*  Ahem.  Bizarro, take it away."

Erik's jaw dropped.  "Finkelstein!?"

Bizarro looked at Erik like he had questioned the existence of Blorfan, lord of happy delusions.  "You know, Finklestein.  The game where you look everywhere for the cute rubber squeaky mouse toy (named Finklestein) who you lost at the Super-Market when you were four years old.  Whoever cries first, wins.  It am the bestest, most stupidest game ever!"

Erik shuddered.  "I refuse to take part in this idiocy!"

Mxzyptlk pointed over his shoulder.  "He's already started without you, Mr. I-wanna-be-Batman.  Better get going."

Bizarro was flying about the emptiness, somehow finding rocks to turn over.  "Finklestein?  Finklestein?  Where are you, my cute, little mouse friend?"

Erik sighed.  With a resigned voice he said, "Finklestein?  Where are you?"

This went on for more than two minutes, until…

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! My little mousey friend is gone forever!" 

Bizarro blinked.  "Bizarro am not thinking you have it in you.  You am good Finklestein player!  We play again some day!"

Erik sighed.  "That had to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to do."

Mxzyptlk chuckled as Erik and Bizarro teleported away.  He pulled out a cell phone.  "Hello?  Yes, Phil, I got it on tape, and some nice still shots.  Have you upheld your end of the bargain?  Ah good.  Can't wait to see Mr. Red, White and Stupid's face when he sees this…

***********

In FC-1 Metropolis….

"Hey!  Who put my underwear on the inside!?"

***********

Erik re-appeared in a city street. The amount of garbage and grime on it suggested that it hadn't been used for a while. He looked at his watch.

"Battle game…defeat the foe, best route. Lose, bad route. Give up without fighting, really bad route. I see…" Erik said. He glanced to his side as the last one teleported in: a black haired man in a white robe. Then his ears caught the argument that was happening in front of him, right before he saw it.

And I keep thinking I can't see anything more absurd.

There appeared to be an argument going on in front of him between a fat kid with a tuque and foul mouth and a humanoid sponge wearing brown shorts and a white shirt with a tie. Watching the argument was another short and not very good looking man wearing his own tuque, a red shirt, and briefs underwear (and just that, no pants).

"YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!" The fat kid was yelling, and he tried to take a swing at the sponge creature. Erik took a step forward and stopped said punch.

"Look kid, we don't need to be fighting each other…"

"SCREW YOU HIPPIE!" The fat kid said, and actually took a swing at Erik. Erik saw it coming a mile away and stepped aside, and the fat kid fell on his face.

"AH! YOU MOTHER (BEEP!)"

Erik's eyes arched. The kid had been bleeped out, like he was on a TV show. Weird.

"I'm gonna make you hella-hurt! No one does that to me! I'm gonna have my Mom sue you!"

"Right. Whatever." Erik said,

"HEY! DON'T YOU IGNORE ME YOU HELLA-BASTARD! I'm gonna (beep!) you up good! You…!"

Erik snapped out his claws. The fat kid's eyes went wide.

"AHHHHHH! HE'S GONNA HELLA-KILL ME! HELP!" the fat kid (ok, it's Cartman) yelled, and ran for it. He dashed for the nearest alleyway. Erik let him go.

"Thanks buddy." Said the sponge.

"Quite an unpleasant little swine." Said Underwear Man, in a French accent.

"Indeed, he's…" Erik said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screamed, running full-tilt back towards the group. "MONSTER!"

"Monster?" Erik said, looking at the alleyway.

A low growl came from the darkness.

"STARS…"

And then a massive figure stepped forward, an eight-foot monster built like a bodybuilder. He wore a torn trenchcoat-outfit, which hid every part of him expect his hideous face, a nightmare which had one eye seemingly sewn shut, a mouthful of sharp teeth, and two organic tubes that went from his neck from his shoulders, huge exterior veins perhaps.

"Stars…" the monster growled again.

"I QUIT! I QUIT! GET ME THE HELLA OUGHTTA HERE!" Cartman screamed, pressing his watch. A second later he disappeared.

"OUI OUI! JE SURRENDE!" Underwear screamed, pressing his watch. He too vanished.

"Figured a Frenchman would be cowardly." Erik muttered.

"Um, hate to leave you hanging after that save…but well, uh…BYE!" Sponge said, pressing his watch. He was gone as well a second later.

"Geez…"

The sound of a sword unsheathing caught Erik's ear again, and he turned to see the man in the white robe had drawn a katana.

"Will you take the path of cowardice as well?" he said in a serious tone. Erik blinked.

"Hell no." Erik said, and summoned the Redemption blade as he snapped out his claws.

"STARS…" The Nemesis growled, as it suddenly broke into a run. It's speed amazed Erik, but only for a second.

"Let's rock baby!"

*************

Celeste appeared into a similar environment: a trash-strewn subway. A ringing phone was in the background, but it stopped two seconds after she appeared. Celeste looked at her watch to check the rules and found similar ones that her husband had. She, however, was alone.

"Nice place. Have they ever heard of littering laws?" Celeste said, looking at the trash.

"They're only human."

Celeste turned at the male voice, saw the man behind her, and then her eyes went wide as saucers.

A debonair man stood about fifteen feet from her, dressed in a black suit with black shoes and black sunglasses. He had a cord of some kind going into his ear.

"….AGENT SMITH?" Celeste said incredulously.

"Indeed. Although you are not Mr. Anderson." Agent Smith said. He took off his sunglasses and began to clean them.

"Uh, are you in the right place? Shouldn't you be fighting Neo in the Matrix?"

"One must find something to do between those films." Agent Smith said, and put his sunglasses back on. He put his hands on his suit jacket and tensed, and Celeste heard the popping sound as he flexed various muscles and bones in preparation.

 "I have to fight you? No fair! I'm not the One!"

"Why would you consider it unfair? You cannot die here. All you can do is…" Agent Smith said, and then he suddenly yanked out his gun..

And Celeste's dagger sliced it in two, knocking the pieces out of his hand. He looked at his now empty hand in some amazement.

"'I've seen an Agent punch through concrete walls. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit only air'…guess your dagger work is a little rusty…" Celeste commented.

"I don't need the gun."

"Hey, no switching bodies when I kick your ass!"

"That won't be necessary." Agent Smith said.

"Oh, think I'm a pushover eh? Well buddy…I know kung fu. And kickboxing. And Tae Kwon Do. And Krav Maja. Plus a few others. So maybe…"

Agent Smith knocked her across the subway with a punch.

A second later, Celeste kicked the debonair cyber-assassin through the subway wall.

"Betcha Neo never did that!" Celeste taunted, and leapt after him.

***************

Erik hit the ground and slid another foot before coming to a stop. His companion did the same, his robe torn and battered.

Erik spat out a glob of saliva tinted red and growled.

"STARS…" The Nemesis growled as it followed them. Its outfit was streaked with lines where Erik and his companion had sliced and diced him, purple blood bleeding out from the wounds. But it was far less then it should have been: the creature had an insanely tough hide, and it healed quick.

"Hardy little bugger, isn't he?" Erik muttered to his companion.

"Indeed, it is one of the toughest beasts I have ever fought! It just won't stay down!" White Robe said.

Erik jammed his sword into the ground. Screw fighting fair.

"YES. IT. WILL." Erik hissed, as white energy exploded on his hands.

"STARS!!!!!!!!!!!" The Nemesis roared, and charged again.

"EAT THIS YOU MONOSYLLABIC TYRANT WANNABE! LAST JUDGEMENT!" Erik yelled, and fired the blast right at the Nemesis's chest. It blew through the creature like paper, incinerating bones and organs. The creature bent over, perhaps more from the impact then from pain, and then White Robe came down from a leap, his sword slashing out and severing the Nemesis's head from his shoulders. Purple blood exploded from the stump, and then the body went down.

"If it gets up from that, I plan on running too." White Robe said. Erik walked up to the body and kicked it a couple of times.

"Looks dead."

The body twitched.

Thirty seconds later, White Robe and Erik had hacked the body into roughly 297 pieces. Erik took a deep breath.

"Nice work my friend."

"Indeed. Your own swordmanship is impressive."

"Erik Ravensky." Erik said, offering a hand.

"Jack." Samurai Jack replied, and shook.

A second later, both were gone on different paths.

Celeste sighed.

"Look I don't mind losing, but could you at least think of something original?" she growled, trying for the tenth time to break Agent Smith's grip and failing.

"The classics are the best, in my opinion." Agent Smith said, as he held the struggling girl from his place on the train tracks, the subway light getting stronger as the train bore down on them.

"Do you hear that girl? That is the sound of…"

"Oh please, at least say a different line!" Celeste growled.

"Very well. Fare thee well, child." Agent Smith said, as the train drew close.

Celeste's eyes darted about, and then seized on one of the overhead mirrors in the subway.

"My name…is Retribution!" Celeste said, and fired a Raven's Beak blast at the mirror. It hit the reflective surface and shattered it, but there was enough to bounce the blast back as Celeste ducked. The blast hit Agent Smith in the head and chest and knocked him off, loosening his grip. Celeste broke free and did a picture-perfect Neo flip up from the tracks to the waiting area.

"And I can't say my lines?" Agent Smith said, and then the train ran him over.

Celeste brushed herself off and walked away as the game teleported her off to the next bit.

Celeste smirked.  "It isn't the lines, it's the guy who says them."

***********

Erik found himself in a scene straight out of Tom Sawyer.  There was a nice old house, with a partially whitewashed fence in front of it.  He noticed several pails of paint, a brush and a note.  The note read thusly:

"Welcome, ye contestant, to the Three Hurdles of Annoyance.  In this place, we hath gathered together some of the most annoying beings in all of creation.  In Hurdle the First, ye must paint yonder fence and go for half an hour without striking the object of annoyance or walking away.  Extra points shall be granted if ye can finish painting yon fence.  Also, ye must respond to all questions asked of ye truthfully, or else ye shall be disqualified.  Beggineth yon constest!"

Erik looked to the heavens.  "Why me?"

BobCat: Because I don't like you.

Erik grumbled a few lines about BobCat's lineage, and proceeded to paint. 

Two minutes passed, and there was still no evidence of any so-called annoyance.  Erik briefly wondered if the threat of annoyance was the annoyance he was supposed to overcome.

And then he heard a voice from behind him.

"Wat'cha doin,' Mr. Man?"

Erik slowly turned about, fearing very much what he knew to be behind him.  It can't be… but… AH!

And there, straight from an episode of Animaniacs, stood Mindy.

Erik slapped his forehead.  "Damn you, BobCat… I HATED this cartoon…"  Suddenly remembering the rules of the game, and not wanting to be defeated by such a moronic invention, responded, "I'm painting the fence."

Erik new it was coming.  He wished he could stop it, but it was beyond his ken.

"Why?"

Erik grit his teeth.  "Because the piece of paper told me to."

"Why?"

"Because BobCat is a sadistic bastard."

"Why?"

"I think he learned it from MY author."

"Why?"

And thus went the longest half-hour of Erik's life…

*************

Celeste couldn't believe who she had paired with.

"What are YOU doing here?"

"Get bored in old age, I do, sometimes." Yoda said.

"Huh. Well, this is a keeper. I'd have someone snap a picture if I could. Well anyway, we may as well find out what the game is." Celeste said, calling up the instructions. "Put the rock in the hole. Why do I think this fill be more difficult then it sounds?"

"No trouble. Will just lift rock into hole." Yoda said, concentrating.

"Wait, using innate powers will cost us a penalty. If we want the best route, we have to use the in-game tool provided."

"More trouble, then worth. Will just put rock in hole." Yoda said.

"Wait a sec Yoda. Let's just see what we get. It's some kind of randomizer…" Celeste said, and then a small metal object flew in front of her and projected an image of rapidly switching objects. The goal was to reach in and whatever she touched, she got. This turned out to be some kind of gun.

"We get water pistol?" Yoda said in annoyance.

"Uh…no. Hah, we got a good one! This is something called a Transmogrifier gun!" Celeste said.

"That, what now?"

"It's a gun that can alter objects on a molecule level to whatever you desire. Say you don't like your bedspread, well, just zap it and it's an iguana!"

"Hmmmm. Can imagine many uses for hand-held iguana maker, yes."

"It doesn't HAVE to be an iguana. It can be anything! Suppose my husband's getting on my nerves for instance…"

"Leave marriage alone for now. How gun work?"

"Telepathy. It reads your brain waves and transforms the object you aim for into whatever image is in your brain."

"Pretty smart." Yoda said, taking the gun and looking at it.

"Well, it probably took whatever science nerds this place employs a whole afternoon to invent." Celeste said sarcastically.

"Say, I thinking of a nice grilled slice of Dagobah Swamp Skimjer right about now…" Yoda began to say.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT!" Celeste yelled, shoving the gun aside so it wasn't aiming at her.

"Fine. What do?"

"I have the stronger body. Turn me into, I dunno, a pterodactyl. I'll pick up the bolder and drop it, and you can turn me back into myself when the game ends."

"Ok. What pterodactyl, some kind of bug?" Yoda said, aiming the gun.

"NO NO NO! IT'S A BIG FLYING DINOSAUR! DON'T SHOOT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!"

*******

Erik twitched as he was teleported to the second hurdle.  "I have faced Agony and her foul spawn, yet somehow THAT competes with them for the most horrifying experience ever."  He glanced around his new surroundings.  "I wonder where the mists of Avalon have taken me this time?" 

The local environs could best be described as low-tech.  Everything was rendered lovingly in eight bits of detail, from the giant in the distance to the sign saying where the cave of no return was. 

Erik scratched his head.  "I wonder where this second hurdle is?  I don't see any…"

Suddenly, a red haired fellow teleported in front of Erik.  "Sword-Chucks, yo!"

Erik was suddenly VERY afraid.

*********

Back in Celeste's game, Yoda had managed to avoid transforming Celeste into a bug. However, what had happened wasn't much better.

"A CHICKEN?!? YOU TRANSMOGRIFIED ME INTO A CHICKEN! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN ME INTO A PTERODACTYL, YOU IDIOT!" Celeste yelled as she hopped around in her new body. Apparently she still maintained a few aspects of being human, like vocal cards. "All you had to do was THINK of a pterodactyl! What possessed you to think of a CHICKEN?"

"Lunchtime, almost is."

"Oh I see! Well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hot dog!" Celeste snapped. She didn't like this body: it was too weak. "Ok look, take the gun and do it properly this time!"

"Ok, here go." Yoda said, aiming the transmogrifier again.

ZAP!

"Well, that's more LIKE it!" Celeste said when she saw she was a pterodactyl this time. She flapped her new wings once and then looked up, a bit surprised.

"Say, when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot tall colossus?" Celeste said, looking at how the short Yoda towered over her.

"Me not. Why?"

"What the…YOU TRANSMOGRIFIED ME INTO A TINY PTERODACTYL?" Celeste yelled.

"Willies, big creatures give me, yes." Yoda said.

"You numbskull! How aim I supposed to lift the rock like this?"

"Hmmmmpphh, how rude! Well you can just stay like that for now!"

"That's it, I'LL SHOW YOU!" Celeste said as she grabbed the gun in her tiny wing hands and managed to pull the trigger.

ZAP!

"Ha ha, serves you right!" Celeste said, as she looked at the new Yoda, now a duck.

"My friend, big mistake, you just make."

*********

Fighter continued his sword-chuck monologue.  "And that is why sword-chucks are the perfect weapon!"

Erik glared at the pest.  "Hey, what am I supposed to be doing here, anyway?  Gimme a sign here!"

Erik, who had been walking with Fighter, ran straight into a sign, almost breaking his nose.

Erik groaned.  "You are FAR too literal, BobCat.  Lesse here… convince this fool of the folly of sword-chucks!?  I hate you, BobCat."

Fighter tapped Erik's shoulder again.  "Excuse me, my good sir, but might I borrow some money?  I need to invest in more shineys so I can get money for my sword-chuck factory."

Erik growled, "Look you nitwit, sword-chucks are by far the worst weapon ever!  You hold either side, and odds are you'll cut off your hand!  And nunchuks are hard enough to avoid hitting yourself with!   Just imagine the challenge of not removing a limb!"

Fighter laughed.  "You and your silly 'logic' make me laugh!  I believe that the problems you talk about are all a matter of good technique."

Erik gave Fighter an odd look.  "Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?"

"You'd be hard pressed to find a time when I WASN'T eating paint chips!"

Erik decided to change tactics.  Holding up katana from his arm's storage space, he said, "I'll give you this, how did you put it, 'shiney,' if you'll say aloud that sword-chucks are a stupid idea."  It's like they say; if you can't beat 'em, bribe 'em.

"Ooh!  I don't have THAT kind of shiney!  I'll do it!  Sword-chucks are a stupid idea!"

Erik tossed him the sword as he teleported.  "Now don't stab yourself with that!"

Black Mage popped out from behind a bush.  "Hey!  Stabbing jokes are MY shtick!  Get your own!"

Erik sighed as he was once again destroyed and rearranged by the transporter.  "Too bad I didn't notice that one.  Killing a Corrupt is always a good way to let off some steam."

Erik surveyed his surroundings.  There was swampland as far as the eye could see (not that the eye could see very far, what with the trees), and various creatures with wings and without made their way through the upper canopies.

Erik scratched his head.  "This isn't annoying… sure, it all looks computer generated and oddly familiar, but nothing too annoying.  I wonder what the third hurdle is…"

A voice from behind answered Erik's question immediately.  "Heydo!  Meesa Jar Jar ACK!"

The cry of pain came as Erik's talons slashed straight through Jar Jar's neck, killing him in a spray of blood and gore.  Erik commented, "I may be patient, BUT I AIN'T THAT PATIENT!"

**************

"There, now we're BOTH transmogrified! We're even!" Celeste said.

"Even? Would be only if improvement was being turned into duck." Yoda replied.

"This isn't what I meant when I said turn me into a pterodactyl! They're supposed to be BIG! How are we supposed to move the rock like this?"

"No good me being duck either!"

"Well, fair is fair!"

"Ok, I take transmogrifier and fix you up right." Yoda said as he picked up the gun and aimed at Celeste.

ZAP!

"WHY YOU! GIMME THAT GUN!" Celeste yelled, as she was now a pig. She snatched it from Yoda and fired.

ZAP!"

"Insult! This worse then before!" Yoda yelled, now a baboon. He grabbed the gun back.

ZAP! Yoda turned Celeste into a flower.

ZAP! Celeste turned Yoda into an alligator.

ZAP! Yoda turned Celeste into an armadillo.

MUCH LATER…

"Great, just great. Which one of us is Celeste and which is Yoda now?" an owl said.

"Hope Celeste you, husband will have fit when he sees this." A strange purplish-coloured dog creature said.

"Ok ok, let's settle this. I'll turn you back into Yoda and you turned me back into me, ok!" Owl-Celeste said.

"Ok."

ZAP! Yoda was back to normal.

"Ah, that better."

"Now do me." Celeste said, handing the gun over.

CLICK.

"What's happening? I'm not transmogrifying!" Celeste said.

"Wow, glad I done first." Yoda said.

"Why isn't the gun working?" Celeste asked.

"May be broken, or out of power."

"………….OH NO! DON'T TELL ME I'M STUCK AS AN OWL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!??!?!?!"

"I suppose owls eat mice. Probably get some from forest." Yoda said.

"Oh no, this is terrible! What am I going to do?" Celeste cried, flying around.

"Ugh, could never eat mouse raw. Small feet probably really cold on way down." Yoda kept saying, ignoring Celeste's panic.

"WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID MICE AND JUST HELP ME!??!?!?!"

"Wonder if pet store sell you mouse if they know you plan to eat it." Yoda replied.

"NO MICE! WE NEED TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!"

"Ok." Yoda said, and with a wave of his arm the rock Celeste and he were supposed to lift floated up and fell in the hole. "Have fun, owl!"

"YOU LOUSY…!" Celeste yelled, as she flew at Yoda and tried to claw and beak his head. Yoda was about to literally force her away when the two shimmered and disappeared.

When they reappeared, Celeste was a lot bigger, and could no longer use any means of self-levitation. As a result, she landed on Yoda.

"OW! Something broke, yes!"

"YES! It was just an in-game transformation! It wore off!" Celeste said, getting off and dancing away, delighted to be back in her old body.

"Medic, call!"

**************

Phil grumbled.  "No good lousy O'Connor.  Finally get ten minutes to see Kione and WHAT happens?  Damn rassn frassn Physics Police.  Have half a mind to quit right here and now."  You see, Erik's interference in the DC universe had caused many complicated and almost impossible to track ripples throughout neighboring universes. 

The reality he was in, for instance, was one where on the fateful day that Peter Parker had been transformed into Spider-Man, a ripple had seen to it that Flash Thompson would get a broken leg the day before.  Thus, he couldn't take his girlfriend Liz Allen to the party that night, thus she was bored, and thus she accepted Peter's offer to accompany him to the radiation demonstration. 

And then she got bit by the darn thing, making her the Incredible Spider-Woman, international superstar.  She had no interest in being a superhero, and according to the people in the Physics Police who monitor such things, the death count from her inaction was already 200, and she hadn't been going for more than a month! 

Oh yeah, and some nutty group called ACROSS actually succeeded in taking over a city in central Japan.  But that was an allowable deviance, since ACROSS had not thought to ever raise anything approaching a military and even the JSDF mopped the floor with them. 

So, left with no other recourse, Phil was forced to deliver a newly microwaved spider to the Parker residence.

Phil chuckled.  "This is going to be perfect.  I made sure that Uncle Ben and Aunt May were out of the house, Peter's home, and when he answers the door, WHAMMO!  Greater responsibility!"

Unfortunately for Phil, Flash and Peter had become friends over the past month, mainly because Flash had been laid up and none of the jocks wanted to slow down for their teammate. 

Flash had graduated from crutches to cane by this time.  Phil opened the box automatically, not realizing until it was too late what was happening.

Phil cried out, "OH GOD DAMMIT!"

End Part 65

*On sale now!  Probably… it's very good.  Even if you're like BobCat and only read DC comics when there's nothing better to do, it's very enjoyable.  It's freaky AND educational!  Well, freaky, at least.