LISA
I show Jennie into the breakfast nook that connects the kitchen and living room, where I can keep an eye on Lauren playing while we talk. "Have a seat. I'll just be a sec. Do you, uh, want any cream or sugar or anything?"
She just shakes her head.
"You sure? This new machine has a milk frother. It's pretty crazy . . . heh." Shut up, you idiot. I might actually be dying here.
My chest aches when I look at her but I can't tell her that. Can't tell her how many times I've regretted what I did and wanted to beg for her back. But back then, I did what I had to do.
"Nah, black is fine," she says. A beat passes before she adds, "But thanks for offering."
I let the noise of the espresso maker cover my total lack of intelligent things to say. Holy shit, this is awkward. The other half of the best relationship I've ever had is in my house, looking even more beautiful than I remember—which is saying a lot—and is clearly still furious with me.
I keep glancing at her, and then get paranoid I'm being too obvious and drop my gaze again. But I can't help it.
And if I'm not mistaken, ever since we met at the park yesterday, she's also been sneaking the occasional peek at me too. I'm so aware of how close she is, how emotionally charged the air between us feels, and I can't stop myself overthinking what it means every time I feel her gaze on me.
Just breathe, dude.
I pour and serve the coffee, then sit down across the small table from her. For a minute, we just sip our drinks, only Lauren's happy babbling breaking the silence.
Finally, Jennie quietly murmurs, "This is good."
I nod. "I'm glad."
She sets down her empty demitasse cup with a harsh clink and raises her eyebrows in impatient prodding. "So . . ."
Come on, Lisa. You asked her here for a reason. Get your shit together.
I clear my throat. "Right. I guess I should start by telling you why I'm here." I take a deep breath. "Mom's health has gotten pretty bad." I hesitate, then decide to bite the bullet. "She's dying."
Jennie's eyes grow wide. "What? When? What's wrong?"
"Pancreatic cancer. The kind that's on the rare side. The early symptoms are subtle, so by the time they caught it . . . well, I got her the best treatment I could, but . . ." I realize I'm clenching my hands and force them open. "She's only got a few months left." Every time I say the words, it becomes more real.
"Oh God. Lisa," Jennie says softly. "I'm so sorry to hear that. Poor Chittip. I always liked your mom."
I look away under the pretext of checking on Lauren. She's chewing on G.I. Joe's leg while crashing Flapflap repeatedly into a pile of blocks. "Anyway, I decided we needed to be closer, to be with her. We should have come a long time ago, honestly, but I screwed up."
"What about . . . after? Will you move back to New York?" Jennie asks, one eyebrow cocked.
I wonder whether she'd prefer a yes or a no. "I figured we'd stay. I can't keep uprooting Lauren, and besides, this seems like a better place to raise a child."
"I see," is all she says.
Jennie keeps her eyes on mine, and I'm curious what she sees when she looks at me like that. A fuckup? A daughter trying to stop being so selfish and make amends? Maybe that second one is just wishful thinking.
There's only silence again. Feeling awkward, I drain the last of my espresso.
Soon, I can't take it anymore. "Well? Say something."
"I was more curious about why I'm here, Lisa. We're not exactly friends."
"We used to be," I say in a low voice. The words just pop out, but the second they do, I wish I could take them back, because her features harden and her eyes narrow on mine.
"We used to be a lot more than that."
A memory flashes across my mind's eye, playing as vividly as a movie.
Jennie and me on a warm summer night, sitting on the porch swing behind my house, listening to the cicadas shrill out their love songs, and watching the hunting bats swoop against the bright stars. Holding hands, my other arm around her waist, her head resting on my shoulder. She turned her lovely face up to mine, her eyes shining in anticipation. I bent to her, and for the first time, I pressed my mouth against those full, soft lips. The perfect kiss. And we shared so many firsts after that.
"Did you hear me?" she says, crashing me back to reality. "Tell me what I'm doing here, Lisa. What's this favor Hanbin was talking about?"
Well, fine then.
Part of me was desperately hoping to catch up, to find out where we stand with each other and where the last ten years have taken her. But if she wants to keep it all business, I guess I have no choice but to manage that. It's probably for the best, anyway.
I swallow and rub a hand over the stubble on my jaw. "Well, you're here because Lauren needs a nanny, and when I talked to Hanbin, he suggested you."
"You . . . want me to be your nanny," Jennie says slowly. "To work for you. In your home. Taking care of your child?"
Shit. I can tell she's not pleased. Actually, that's an understatement. If she could, Jennie would be shooting laser beams out of her eyes right now. She looks that ticked off.
"It wouldn't be full time or anything," I say quickly, backpedaling. "I just need someone to look after her while I'm working. And sometimes when I take Mom to appointments."
She blinks at me as if I've grown another head. "How on earth could I possibly do that?"
I'm starting to get irritated despite myself. This hostile reaction isn't what I expected. Hanbin made it seem like the obvious solution. But the only thing obvious is that I'm an idiot.
"What do you mean? It works just like any other job. I'd give you money, and you'd—"
"Seriously, Lisa? Do I have to spell it out for you? We have a history, and not a good one," she says, glaring at me.
Dammit, I'm going about this all wrong. I take a deep breath to compose myself.
"You're right. We do, and I owe you an apology. Can we start over, please?"
With a slow exhale, Jennie averts her gaze. "I don't know. Can we?"
Swallowing my pride, I say the words I should have said a long time ago. "I shouldn't have dumped you the way I did. I was young and stupid."
She watches me closely with narrowed eyes, then asks in an acid tone, "That's your excuse? That's all you've got to say about it?" She stands and snatches up her purse. "Good-bye, Lalisa."
I grab her hand. "Wait!"
"Why should I?" she mutters, but doesn't pull out of my grasp.
"Because I'll tell you the truth."
She stares at me for a long moment, then finally sits back down, still glaring at me.
I let go of her hand and swallow past my suddenly pounding heart. "I . . . I was scared."
Now she looks confused, as well as angry. "Of what?"
"Of falling in love. Messing up. Breaking your heart . . . or my own. Of betraying your brother's trust." The feel of her hand lingers on my skin. "I was about to leave for college, and I thought trying to do a long-distance relationship for four years would be impossible. And even if we somehow made it work, it'd be over anyway as soon as Hanbin found out."
"Why didn't you just tell me all this back then?" Her voice is fragile, and I hate myself for causing it. "I thought we were happy. I would have done anything for you, and then you threw me away out of nowhere."
"I didn't know any of this stuff at the time—I was operating off pure instinct. It took me years to figure it out." I force a laugh. "Like I said, I was young and stupid."
She says nothing, barely meeting my gaze.
"It was puppy love, Jennie," I say softly. "I didn't think it would last. I thought that if I let it go on, eventually I was guaranteed to do something dumb and hurt you."
Her response is barely audible. "You did."
Ouch. Fuck. "I know. And I'm sorry."
I hurt her. Betrayed her trust. It kills me, even now.
She exhales, loud and shaky. "I have more questions."
I have no idea whether that means she's accepted my apology, but I can let it go for now. "Anything."
She leans forward, her elbows on the table and her gaze keenly fixed on me. "Who is Lauren's mother? How did this all happen?"
My stomach drops as if I'd missed a stair. "If I tell you . . . will you do it?"
Her eyebrows dart up. "Are you seriously trying to bribe me right now?"
"No. Of course not." I drag my hand down my face. Along with everything else I remember about Jennie, she's still just as tenacious too. "Okay, fine. I promise I'll tell you everything you want to know. But first, I have something to ask you."
