"Oh hey... Richard's here," Ross said, biting into a square of cheese.
"Oh great. Just perfect, this is perfect. Does the man have some kind of radar? I mean, Monica and I fight, and The Richard Signal beams out over the city?"
"Wow, Chandler, you're right. It's Mom and Dad's party, he's Dad's best friend... he must be here *just* to torture *you*!"
"Well, he doesn't have to look so damn good doing it," Chandler snapped, patting his suit self-consciously. "I mean, look at him. He's all out there, dancing, *not* looking like a spastic gorilla... all suave and moustach-y. And he can't even be an ass, no, he has to be this really great guy who's nice to me all the time."
"Yeah, how dare he."
"So uh... how come you brought Pheebs instead of Rachel? Rach usually eats this country club stuff up with a spoon."
"Oh, Rachel's still in the middle of Operation-Monica-No-Freak, she's still trying to avoid you for a while."
"What?"
"Oh, y'know, Rachel told me she talked to you about it. Her Monica's boyfriend policy? Apparently, she had lunch with Monica, and Monica was starting to get a little suspicious, so Rachel made up some story about having bunches of work to do and you gettin' on her nerves anyway. She said you'd know what was going on."
"So -- wait. I'm not actually getting on Rachel's nerves?"
"No, dude, she thought you'd know what she was doing. Actually, she told me she really missed hanging out with you... asked me how soon I thought Monica would forget about it and she could start having lunch with you again."
"I thought she totally hated me!"
"She did talk to you about her policy, right?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Man, you seriously need to look into getting some self-esteem."
Chandler exhaled. "Wow. Wow. Wow, I feel so much better. Thanks, buddy!" He clapped Ross on the shoulder.
"Oh, you're welcome. Y'know, only you, Chandler..."
"Only me what?"
"Could be a person that I could hear Rachel talk about this much without going, you know, all paranoid and 'Red Ross'. I mean, can you imagine? You cheating on my sister with my lobster? Dude, I'd have to... like... feed you your own torso."
Ross laughed, and Chandler not-so-heartily joined in.
"Ha-ha, heh, well, I mean, *that's* not anything you have to worry about. Rach's my lunch-buddy! Our relationship is strictly based on sustinence."
"Yeah, uh, don't start freaking out, but Richard just walked up to Monica and Phoebe."
"Dammit, dammit, why didn't I bring my glasses, what's going on?"
"Looks like he's just saying hi. Oh yeah, okay, they exchanged two sentences, and now he's walking off. No big deal, dude, he's just being friendly."
"Oh man... he can *do* that, just walk up, flip off a couple of suave little sentences, and walk away!" Chandler deepened his voice and held an imaginary cigar. "Why hello, Monica, Phoebe. Don't you both look stunning. I'll just be over in the corner, speaking fluent French and talking about Swedish philosophers. Enjoy the carrot sticks! Isn't my moustache luxurious today." Chandler dropped his Richard impression and looked at Ross despairingly. "I mean... can you imagine the hours-long nightmare of humiliation if I, like, tried to *wave* at one of my exes?"
"I don't have to imagine it, dude, I've seen it." Ross brushed a crumb off his tie. "Calm down, man, I'll handle it."
Ross caught Phoebe's eye. He tugged on his ear. She patted the top of her head. He crossed his eyes. She made a weird bird motion with her arms. Ross touched his left arm.
Chandler watched in amazement. "How is telling Phoebe to steal third going to help me?"
"I'm telling Phoebe to run interference."
As Chandler watched, Phoebe excused herself and sashayed over to where Richard was standing.
"Um, Ross -- do you think you could teach me that?"
***
"Care to dance, Dr. Burke?"
"Ross told you to run interference, huh?"
"I always knew you saw more than you were letting on!"
Richard led Phoebe out onto the dance floor. Phoebe looked up at him appraisingly. "So -- how much did you actually hear?"
"Well, hard to say since I can't know what I missed... but what I heard was pretty good, like Christmas good. Did she really... clutch my drain hair?"
"I've never seen her so messed up."
"Yeah, it wasn't really a good time for me, either. You know, I used to pour a bottle of Clorox in my sink so the apartment smelled like she'd slept over?"
He cast a glance at Monica. "God, she's beautiful. If I didn't like Chandler so much... damn that little wiseguy for being so endearing."
Phoebe looked innocently off into space. "Yeah, that's a popular opinion lately. I must say, Rachel definitely shares it..."
Richard stopped mid-step. "Is that little bastard cheating on Monica? Because if he is, I'll..."
"Calm down, calm down," Phoebe smiled. "Nothing like that, keep dancing."
Richard looked down at her and grinned. "You know, you're really Machiavellian sometimes."
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. But... I do know a few things."
"Such as..."
"Such as, Chandler's constantly trying to be more like you to make Monica happy, and he's always failing, 'cause y'know, he's not you. Monica's wondering if maybe she made a mistake, and I'm pretty sure Chandler is too."
Phoebe chewed her lip. "When Monica was with you, she calmed down. She was happier. More centered. Less freak-y. Since she's been with Chandler, she's been more freak-y. I mean, you should have seen her screaming at Rachel the night of her engagement... and then she totally flipped out over this cookie thing later. It's like, all the outside things have to be perfect, absolutely and completely perfect, because she knows the inside thing isn't anywhere near perfect."
"That's... interesting."
"But if Monica just flat-out leaves Chandler... well, it's gonna destroy him. Because he, you know, the man is a self-esteem vacuum. If she leaves him, he'll take it as evidence that he's just like his parents and screws up every serious relationship. And he'll go into his little Chandler-hole, or worse, go punish himself by dating Janice again."
Richard shuddered. "I really do like him. I wouldn't want that."
"If the end of Monica and Chandler isn't mutual and, y'know, fairly un-evil, it's also going to really mess up the group. You missed the Ross and Rachel breakup, that was... that was nuclear."
"Okay, you mentioned Rachel again. What was that hint you dropped earlier?"
"Well, okay. A few months ago, Rachel and Chandler decided to have lunch together. And it went from, like, one lunch, to lunch everyday, to them calling each other at work all the time. Innocent, you know, but they just clicked. Then Monica started to get a little suspicious..."
"Well, you can hardly blame her, considering how many of her boyfriends Rachel stole."
"Yeah, yeah, we get it, you're on Monica's side. Anyway, Rachel didn't want to upset Monica, so she told her Chandler was annoying her anyway and she didn't want to have lunch with him anymore. Monica told Chandler, Chandler's all hurt, Rachel thinks Chandler knows what she's doing and has no idea he's all hurt. So Rachel's avoiding Chandler for fear of upsetting Monica, and Chandler's avoiding Rachel because he thinks she hates him."
"Only you people could make *lunch* so complicated."
"Hey, don't group me in with them! Anyway, the thing is... Chandler and Rachel, they're like, *pining* for each other. They've both been so depressed. It's crazy. Y'know I think Rachel actually talks to an invisible Chandler?"
"So you think they..."
"Well, I think they definitely could. I ran into them one afternoon when they were at the Thai place... and you could smell the heat in the air. Y'know, all restrained, buttoned-up, Victorian yummy heat."
"But if Chandler leaves Ross' sister for Ross' lobster, Ross would like... feed him his torso."
"Yeah, okay, you know what? People take me and my shellfish way too seriously. I did some research on the Internet, and y'know what? Lobsters don't mate for life. They don't. No, the girl lobsters mate with whoever is the dominant male. Y'know, they even time their mating seasons so they can all mate with the same guy. Lobsters aren't like Rachel and Ross, lobsters are like... womankind and Joey."
She chewed her lip thoughtfully. "Well, lobsters are like, really really mean to each other, so that is kind of like Rachel and Ross."
"So... okay. Shellfish aside for the moment, don't you think Ross would still be a little upset?"
"Not if he'd already found someone else."
Richard and Phoebe danced for a moment in silence.
"Richard... date me."
"Um, Phoebe, don't you think this situation is complicated enough?"
"No, no, not like that. Fake-date me. C'mon, it's perfect. You need an in, a legitimate reason to be hanging around Monica again. If you're dating me, you're non-threatening. And we can use our dates to work on our plan."
"I don't know, Phoebe. This sounds like the plot to a *really* stupid movie."
"Do you want Monica back or not?"
"Of course I do..."
"So we give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, well, we just break up, no harm done. And if Monica can see you dating me without getting insanely jealous, well, y'know, maybe I'll finally believe this whole
'in love with Chandler' thing."
"Phoebe? I know why I'm willing to risk doing this, but... what's in this for you?"
"You mean, besides the ultimate happiness of my dear friends?"
"Be serious."
"Oh, Phoebe has her reasons. But Phoebe never reveals her reasons."
"So, um, what's our first step?"
"Well, you woo me, you know, and then we start on Phase One."
"What's Phase One?"
"Phase One is Ross."
--------------
To be continued...
"Oh great. Just perfect, this is perfect. Does the man have some kind of radar? I mean, Monica and I fight, and The Richard Signal beams out over the city?"
"Wow, Chandler, you're right. It's Mom and Dad's party, he's Dad's best friend... he must be here *just* to torture *you*!"
"Well, he doesn't have to look so damn good doing it," Chandler snapped, patting his suit self-consciously. "I mean, look at him. He's all out there, dancing, *not* looking like a spastic gorilla... all suave and moustach-y. And he can't even be an ass, no, he has to be this really great guy who's nice to me all the time."
"Yeah, how dare he."
"So uh... how come you brought Pheebs instead of Rachel? Rach usually eats this country club stuff up with a spoon."
"Oh, Rachel's still in the middle of Operation-Monica-No-Freak, she's still trying to avoid you for a while."
"What?"
"Oh, y'know, Rachel told me she talked to you about it. Her Monica's boyfriend policy? Apparently, she had lunch with Monica, and Monica was starting to get a little suspicious, so Rachel made up some story about having bunches of work to do and you gettin' on her nerves anyway. She said you'd know what was going on."
"So -- wait. I'm not actually getting on Rachel's nerves?"
"No, dude, she thought you'd know what she was doing. Actually, she told me she really missed hanging out with you... asked me how soon I thought Monica would forget about it and she could start having lunch with you again."
"I thought she totally hated me!"
"She did talk to you about her policy, right?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Man, you seriously need to look into getting some self-esteem."
Chandler exhaled. "Wow. Wow. Wow, I feel so much better. Thanks, buddy!" He clapped Ross on the shoulder.
"Oh, you're welcome. Y'know, only you, Chandler..."
"Only me what?"
"Could be a person that I could hear Rachel talk about this much without going, you know, all paranoid and 'Red Ross'. I mean, can you imagine? You cheating on my sister with my lobster? Dude, I'd have to... like... feed you your own torso."
Ross laughed, and Chandler not-so-heartily joined in.
"Ha-ha, heh, well, I mean, *that's* not anything you have to worry about. Rach's my lunch-buddy! Our relationship is strictly based on sustinence."
"Yeah, uh, don't start freaking out, but Richard just walked up to Monica and Phoebe."
"Dammit, dammit, why didn't I bring my glasses, what's going on?"
"Looks like he's just saying hi. Oh yeah, okay, they exchanged two sentences, and now he's walking off. No big deal, dude, he's just being friendly."
"Oh man... he can *do* that, just walk up, flip off a couple of suave little sentences, and walk away!" Chandler deepened his voice and held an imaginary cigar. "Why hello, Monica, Phoebe. Don't you both look stunning. I'll just be over in the corner, speaking fluent French and talking about Swedish philosophers. Enjoy the carrot sticks! Isn't my moustache luxurious today." Chandler dropped his Richard impression and looked at Ross despairingly. "I mean... can you imagine the hours-long nightmare of humiliation if I, like, tried to *wave* at one of my exes?"
"I don't have to imagine it, dude, I've seen it." Ross brushed a crumb off his tie. "Calm down, man, I'll handle it."
Ross caught Phoebe's eye. He tugged on his ear. She patted the top of her head. He crossed his eyes. She made a weird bird motion with her arms. Ross touched his left arm.
Chandler watched in amazement. "How is telling Phoebe to steal third going to help me?"
"I'm telling Phoebe to run interference."
As Chandler watched, Phoebe excused herself and sashayed over to where Richard was standing.
"Um, Ross -- do you think you could teach me that?"
***
"Care to dance, Dr. Burke?"
"Ross told you to run interference, huh?"
"I always knew you saw more than you were letting on!"
Richard led Phoebe out onto the dance floor. Phoebe looked up at him appraisingly. "So -- how much did you actually hear?"
"Well, hard to say since I can't know what I missed... but what I heard was pretty good, like Christmas good. Did she really... clutch my drain hair?"
"I've never seen her so messed up."
"Yeah, it wasn't really a good time for me, either. You know, I used to pour a bottle of Clorox in my sink so the apartment smelled like she'd slept over?"
He cast a glance at Monica. "God, she's beautiful. If I didn't like Chandler so much... damn that little wiseguy for being so endearing."
Phoebe looked innocently off into space. "Yeah, that's a popular opinion lately. I must say, Rachel definitely shares it..."
Richard stopped mid-step. "Is that little bastard cheating on Monica? Because if he is, I'll..."
"Calm down, calm down," Phoebe smiled. "Nothing like that, keep dancing."
Richard looked down at her and grinned. "You know, you're really Machiavellian sometimes."
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. But... I do know a few things."
"Such as..."
"Such as, Chandler's constantly trying to be more like you to make Monica happy, and he's always failing, 'cause y'know, he's not you. Monica's wondering if maybe she made a mistake, and I'm pretty sure Chandler is too."
Phoebe chewed her lip. "When Monica was with you, she calmed down. She was happier. More centered. Less freak-y. Since she's been with Chandler, she's been more freak-y. I mean, you should have seen her screaming at Rachel the night of her engagement... and then she totally flipped out over this cookie thing later. It's like, all the outside things have to be perfect, absolutely and completely perfect, because she knows the inside thing isn't anywhere near perfect."
"That's... interesting."
"But if Monica just flat-out leaves Chandler... well, it's gonna destroy him. Because he, you know, the man is a self-esteem vacuum. If she leaves him, he'll take it as evidence that he's just like his parents and screws up every serious relationship. And he'll go into his little Chandler-hole, or worse, go punish himself by dating Janice again."
Richard shuddered. "I really do like him. I wouldn't want that."
"If the end of Monica and Chandler isn't mutual and, y'know, fairly un-evil, it's also going to really mess up the group. You missed the Ross and Rachel breakup, that was... that was nuclear."
"Okay, you mentioned Rachel again. What was that hint you dropped earlier?"
"Well, okay. A few months ago, Rachel and Chandler decided to have lunch together. And it went from, like, one lunch, to lunch everyday, to them calling each other at work all the time. Innocent, you know, but they just clicked. Then Monica started to get a little suspicious..."
"Well, you can hardly blame her, considering how many of her boyfriends Rachel stole."
"Yeah, yeah, we get it, you're on Monica's side. Anyway, Rachel didn't want to upset Monica, so she told her Chandler was annoying her anyway and she didn't want to have lunch with him anymore. Monica told Chandler, Chandler's all hurt, Rachel thinks Chandler knows what she's doing and has no idea he's all hurt. So Rachel's avoiding Chandler for fear of upsetting Monica, and Chandler's avoiding Rachel because he thinks she hates him."
"Only you people could make *lunch* so complicated."
"Hey, don't group me in with them! Anyway, the thing is... Chandler and Rachel, they're like, *pining* for each other. They've both been so depressed. It's crazy. Y'know I think Rachel actually talks to an invisible Chandler?"
"So you think they..."
"Well, I think they definitely could. I ran into them one afternoon when they were at the Thai place... and you could smell the heat in the air. Y'know, all restrained, buttoned-up, Victorian yummy heat."
"But if Chandler leaves Ross' sister for Ross' lobster, Ross would like... feed him his torso."
"Yeah, okay, you know what? People take me and my shellfish way too seriously. I did some research on the Internet, and y'know what? Lobsters don't mate for life. They don't. No, the girl lobsters mate with whoever is the dominant male. Y'know, they even time their mating seasons so they can all mate with the same guy. Lobsters aren't like Rachel and Ross, lobsters are like... womankind and Joey."
She chewed her lip thoughtfully. "Well, lobsters are like, really really mean to each other, so that is kind of like Rachel and Ross."
"So... okay. Shellfish aside for the moment, don't you think Ross would still be a little upset?"
"Not if he'd already found someone else."
Richard and Phoebe danced for a moment in silence.
"Richard... date me."
"Um, Phoebe, don't you think this situation is complicated enough?"
"No, no, not like that. Fake-date me. C'mon, it's perfect. You need an in, a legitimate reason to be hanging around Monica again. If you're dating me, you're non-threatening. And we can use our dates to work on our plan."
"I don't know, Phoebe. This sounds like the plot to a *really* stupid movie."
"Do you want Monica back or not?"
"Of course I do..."
"So we give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, well, we just break up, no harm done. And if Monica can see you dating me without getting insanely jealous, well, y'know, maybe I'll finally believe this whole
'in love with Chandler' thing."
"Phoebe? I know why I'm willing to risk doing this, but... what's in this for you?"
"You mean, besides the ultimate happiness of my dear friends?"
"Be serious."
"Oh, Phoebe has her reasons. But Phoebe never reveals her reasons."
"So, um, what's our first step?"
"Well, you woo me, you know, and then we start on Phase One."
"What's Phase One?"
"Phase One is Ross."
--------------
To be continued...
