"So... something's sucking," Phoebe announced, tucking her feet underneath her on Richard's couch.

"Ross and Wendy?" Richard asked, taking the seat across from her.

"No, Ross and Wendy couldn't be twirlier. It's like they're two kids makin' out behind the cafeteria at computer camp, it's geektacular."

She sighed. "It's Rachel and Chandler. And the thing is, with everyone all worked up... it's not like I'm out of the loop, y'know, there is no loop. My sources have dried up. Nobody's telling me anything, not even Joey."

"And Monica?"

"Oh, are you kidding? She only reason she hasn't scratched my eyes out yet is because she's too busy wiping off her drool over you."

Richard took a sip of his drink and sighed heavily. "Pheebs... maybe we should call this off. Everyone's unhappy but Ross and Wendy. Can't we just be glad we did a good thing for them and stop torturing everyone?"

"Don't you wuss out on me now, Burke."

"I'm not wussing out, Pheebs... but going around spreading misery isn't exactly a hobby I planned to take up in my golden years, you know?"

"Richard... this is a process, okay? It's like... it's like giving birth. Do you know what would happen to the species if women said 'Y'know what? This hurts, and I'm just not that interested in how this turns out, I'm stopping right here.'"

"I think it's a little dif..."

"But it's not. Yeah, people are miserable. The lady's miserable 'cause she needs to get the baby out. Monica's miserable because she's in love with you, Rachel and Chandler are miserable because they're in love with each other. All these people need is to complete the process, and, y'know? Misery over."

"Pheebs... I just don't think it's that simple. I mean, getting Ross and Wendy together, we lucked out finding Wendy, that was easy. It didn't hurt anyone, all they had to do was go out and like each other."

Richard stood up and put his hands in his pockets. "But look at Phase II. We've been in it for what... three months now? I've had a longer fake-relationship with you than most of my real girlfriends. You know what the problem with your plan is?"

"Don't blame the plan!"

"I am blaming the plan, Phoebe, because this part of it... well, it sucks. There's no progress until someone betrays someone, and the reason this is taking so damn long is because everyone is trying to do the right thing."

"Yeah. I was not expecting that."

"Part of that whole 'loving Monica' thing is wanting her to be happy, Phoebe. It's why I originally stepped back from her and Chandler. Now she's miserable, and it's my fault, and I can't stand that."

"Okay, so... we get out the forceps, get things moving in the right direction."

"Ah, more pain for everyone involved? Phoebe, have you been listening to me at all?"

"Okay, Richard. Let's break up."

"Oh, thank god, okay."

"No-no. Not here. I have another stage planned."

"Oh no, Phoebe, I'm a horrible, horrible actor, please don't make me do this."

"You won't have to act. Trust me. C'mon, just trust me for like, another hour."

"Fine. Fine. What do I say?"

"Wait until we get there, and follow my lead. Can I use your phone?"

"Sure... for what?"

"Ahh... just checking out the seating arrangements for our show."

***

"Um... The Green Mile?" Rachel asked, running her finger over their DVD collection.

Joey's eyes barely flicked up from his comic. "Too depressing."

"Wonder Boys?"

"Too depressing."

"Okay... The Sixth Sense?"

"Too depressing."

Rachel sighed. "Would you like to explain to me what's depressing about The Sixth Sense?"

"Are you kidding? The guy's dead, his wife's left alone, that poor little kid's gonna see dead people forever!"

"Okay, that is depressing, I guess. And I suppose 'Angela's Ashes' is out."

"Why do we even own that?"

"Because you thought it was the sequel to 'Weekend at Bernie's'."

"Ohh, yeah..."

"When are Phoebe and Richard getting here?"

From out in the hallway, they heard Phoebe's voice, loud and angry.

"I'm guessin' now," Joey sighed.

***

"No, Monica's not going to be there," Phoebe said loudly. "And you know, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention her name every five freaking seconds!"

"Sorry, Phoebe."

"Louder," Phoebe hissed.

"Sorry, Phoebe!"

"You know, I am so sick of this! All you can talk about is Monica, Monica, Monica! I do have feelings, you know!"

***

Monica and Chandler stopped washing dishes and stared at each other. Chandler slapped his dishtowel over his shoulder, leaned against the cabinet, and crossed his arms. Monica stood awkwardly, clutching a tumbler.

"Come on, Phoebe, cut me some slack," Richard's voice intruded.

"We... we shouldn't be listening to this," Monica said.

"I don't think the apartment's large enough for us not to," Chandler smirked. "And anyway, the topic *intrigues* me."

"We can't just eavesdrop."

"Yeah, 'cause we weren't glued the door for every fight Ross and Rachel ever had."

"That was different! This is..."

***

"You're obviously still in love with Monica," Phoebe shouted. "I see you staring at her all the time. How stupid do you think I am? Did you start dating me just to spend more time with Monica?"

"No, Phoebe, I like you a lot..."

"Oh, you like me a lot. That's great. I date you for months, and you like me a lot. But her, you loooooooove, right? You just loooooooove her so much. That's why you wouldn't sleep with me, isn't it??"

From behind two doors, four heads stared at each other in shock.

Phoebe continued screeching. "That's it! That's why! You wouldn't sleep with me, because you're still hoping to get back together with Monica! And you knew that if you messed around with me, it would make things all weird for you later! God, everything's about Monica with you, isn't it?"

"Phoebe, I..."

"You know what? If you love Monica so freaking much, why don't you just get back together with her!"

"Did you forget she's engaged to Chandler, the guy I like a hell of a lot and don't want to hurt?"

"Oooh, you're soooo nice. You think about Chandler's feelings, you think about Monica's feelings, did you ever think about... gee, I don't know... Phoebe, your girlfriend's, feelings?"

"Okay, okay, you win. I love Monica."

"It's nice to hear you admit it!"

"I never denied it! She's the love of my life, Phoebe, can you understand that? And I'm trying to move on, but I can't. I think about her all the time, I can't stop thinking about her, the only thing I really want out of life is to be with her. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I can't deny my feelings."

***

Monica stumbled to a kitchen chair and sat down, while Richard's voice continued to pour through the wall.

"Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with a piece missing? To know that you've met your soulmate, the person you were meant to be with, the person that made you happier than anyone else ever has, and that you let that person slip through your fingers? Do you, Phoebe?"

Chandler looked at Monica, watching the anguish on her face. She buried her face in her hands. He wanted to go to her, comfort her, but something held him back.

Richard continued. "I love Monica, Phoebe. I love her so much. I've never loved anyone like that, and I'm finally admitting to myself that I never will. And I want her to be happy. And she must be happier with Chandler than with me, because she's with him. Do you know how much that kills me? I can't even hate Chandler for it, because I like him so much. But he has the woman I love more than anything, and I have to keep telling myself that he must love her more than I do, although I don't see how it's possible. I had to do the right thing, I had to tell him to go to her, because he loved her so much, and being without her was killing him. Of course it's killing me too... I... Phoebe, I don't know what to do. But I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Richard... you know... I'm not that hurt. I'd be stupid to be that hurt. I mean, any idiot can see how much you love Monica. But, y'know, it couldn't be more over between us."

"Well, I guess I should leave, then."

"I guess you should."

They heard Richard's footsteps echoing down the stairs. Monica lowered her hands and looked at Chandler, tears running down her face. "Chandler... it's not what you think... I don't know why I'm crying, I..."

"Go." He said softly.

"What?"

"You heard me, go, catch him before he leaves."

"What are you saying?"

Chandler swallowed deeply. "I'm saying that you're my best friend, and I want you to be happy. So go, dammit."

"But..."

"Will you get out of here? I'm not as good at this selfless shit as Richard is."

"Chandler, I..."

"Okay, I'm breaking up with you. Consider yourself dumped on your ass. Engagement's off, keep the ring, I don't care, get your ass moving down the stairs!"

Monica got to her feet unsteadily and stared at him, slack-jawed.

"Hey," he said soothingly, crossing to her, "You wanna see something cool I learned from Rachel?"

"Huh?"

Chandler put his left hand on her left side, pushed her over to the door, expertly opened it with his right hand, shoved Monica through the doorway, and slammed the door behind her.

***

Monica stumbled, whipping around and staring at the slammed green door in confusion.

"Do you want me to push you down the stairs?" Phoebe screeched. "Go, woman, go!!"

Light came back into Monica's eyes, and she sprinted for the stairway.

***

"Richard, wait!" Monica screamed.

He paused, half-in a taxi, and she barreled over, pushing him the rest of the way in, scrambling in behind him, and slamming the door shut.

"Um, could you give us just a second?" Richard asked the cabbie.

"Richard. I love you too. I love you so much."

"Um... this isn't the question that's really foremost on my mind, but, uh... what about Chandler?"

"Chandler just dumped me."

"Oh my god, when?"

"About thirty seconds ago."

They lunged for each other, lips meeting in a bruising kiss, reaching out in a fevered dream to touch, to believe this was really happening.

--------------

To be continued...