Chandler crawled out on the balcony, watching Monica and Richard's cab drive away.

Yeah, this was definitely a rest-of-the-pack moment.

He had just lit one when Phoebe appeared at the window and began pulling herself through it.

"I'm not putting it out, don't even ask."

"I wasn't gonna. So... how you doing?"

"Well. Weird. But I guess you know something about that, since you just broke up with someone in the last fifteen minutes too."

"Nope. Oooh, look, a pigeon!"

"What do you mean, nope? If you didn't break up with Richard, I hate to tell you, I'm pretty positive your boyfriend is about to cheat on you."

"I was never dating Richard."

"WHAT??"

"Nah, the whole thing was a ruse. Hello, could you please at least blow your death cloud somewhere besides my face?"

"A ruse? Explain, or you're getting a lot more than smoke in your face."

"Richard and I were fake-dating, to make Monica jealous, so she'd realize she was in love with Richard."

"Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you lied to all of us, for the sole purpose of breaking up my marriage... and you're telling me this on the roof of a very tall building? Not smart, Pheebs."

"I did it for you, Chandler. Well, for the four of you."

"The four of us."

"You, Monica, Ross, and Rachel. Also Richard, I guess, so that would be five. And some other people."

Chandler sat down with a heavy sigh. "You're making my brain hurt. I know it's not your preferred way of doing things, but could you make sense for the next five minutes?"

"Okay, Chandler. The last few months with Monica, have you been happy?"

"Not by the standard definition, no."

"So, let's see. Ross is out of the way, he's in Dinotopia with Wendy. Monica's out of the way, she's cabbing down to Richard's apartment. Now, huh, hmm, who does that clear the way for?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't be Dense Boy, Chandler. Could you BE more in love with Rachel?"

"I am *not* in love with Rachel."

"Well, that's a damn shame, because she's in love with you."

"What? What? What-what-what?"

"Still not in love with Rachel?"

"Oh my god, she... I thought... but..."

"You love Rachel. Rachel loves you. The real question is, why are you out here with me, suckin' on a coffin nail, when you could be over there, gettin' some Green?"

"Oh god. Oh, god. What do I do? What do I do?"

"Well for starters, you brush your teeth. I mean, y'know, ick."

***

"Chandler?" Rachel called, stepping into the purple apartment. "Um, Chandler? Phoebe said you needed to see me...?"

Chandler emerged from the bathroom, wiping his mouth. "Yeah, I was just... brushing my teeth."

"Mmm, oral hygiene, interesting, yeah... what the hell just happened?"

"Well. Phoebe and Richard broke up."

"I *heard* that!"

"And I broke off my engagement with Monica, and she left in a cab with Richard."

Rachel gaped. "What?"

"I broke off my engagement with Monica, and she left in a cab with Richard."

"No-no, I mean, I heard, I just... whoa. And you, you are very calm and sort of smiling, why are you very calm and sort of smiling?"

"Well, I guess it's for the best."

"Seriously, Chandler, how many of Monica's Valium did you take?"

"None. Well, okay, three. But not because of the engagement. There was something else I was freaking about."

He stepped towards her and smiled. "But, y'know, good-kind of freaking."

"Okay, now you're freaking *me* out, Chandler..."

"You think you're freaked out now? Wait until about five seconds from now."

"Why? Wha-what happens in five seconds?"

Chandler strode over, took Rachel's face in both hands, and kissed her softly. Rachel stood still in shock for a moment, then returned the kiss passionately, letting her fingers crawl up into his hair, eyes closed and flying.

Chandler broke the kiss and ran his thumb down Rachel's cheek.

"Rach... I love you."

"Oh my god, I love you too, but this is huge, this is crazy, this is..."

He cut her off with a brief kiss, and grinned.

"So, Rach. You, uh... you and Joey looking for another roommate?"

***

Phoebe quietly let herself into Rachel and Joey's apartment. Joey was sitting silently in the Barcolounger, staring at the unpowered television. He saw her reflection in the black screen and sighed.

"So, Pheebs. You broke up with Richard."

"Kinda-sorta, yeah."

"And Rachel and Chandler...?"

"Are making out."

"And Monica and Richard...?"

"The same, probably."

"Well. That's... huh."

"So, uh, you okay, Joey? I know you had that crush on Rachel..."

Joey laughed. "I never had a crush on Rachel."

"But -- you said you did! You told me all about..."

"The friend I was developing feelings for, the friend I was all depressed about, the friend I felt I couldn't tell? I changed the name so I could talk to you about it, Pheebs, it was you."

"It was me?"

"Yup."

"It was always me?"

"Yup."

"Joey Francis Tribbiani, I am going to kick your ass!"

He sunk lower into the recliner. "And you wondered why I didn't want to tell you."

"Do you have -- no you don't -- you have *no idea* what I just went through to get Rachel out of the picture! I had to fake-date Richard, and find a dino-girl, and have Monica glare at me for months, and smell cigar smoke, and..."

"Fake-date Richard?"

"I had a whole freaking plan! I engineered a ground war on eight fronts, and the whole time, you loved me too? Ross and Wendy and Monica and Richard and Chandler and Rachel and... aargh!"

"So basically, what you're saying here is that I love you, and you love me?"

"Yes! Arggggh!"

"And so we're screaming... why?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Well, come on, woman! Get over here!"

Phoebe skipped across the room, leaped into Joey's lap, and proceeded to kiss him thoroughly.

"Oh, wow," she gasped. "So worth it."

"Hey, now, that's just the comedian," Joey grinned. "Wait until Pink Floyd comes out."

--------------

END PART ONE.