Monica let herself into her apartment, nerves drilling a hole in the pit of her stomach.

"Chandler?"

No answer.

Something about the apartment was funny. She looked around, disoriented. Everything was where it belonged, wasn't it? White couch next to the big armchair, coffee table in the...

No Barcalounger. No Barcalounger. And the furniture had all been carefully moved back to where it had been before Chandler had ever moved in.

She ran to the bedroom, throwing open the closet door. All his clothes were gone.

She sprinted across the hall, banging on Joey and Rachel's door. Chandler answered, clad in his blue plaid bathrobe.

"Well, hello," he grinned.

"Um, hi. Is it 1997?"

Chandler laughed. "I moved my stuff back over here. I didn't exactly have a ton to carry. How are you? How was your night? You want a cookie? They're Phoebe's special oatmeal ones."

"Wh... I... who are you? Have you been in my Valium?"

"Okay, people need to quit asking me that. Come on in, Mon."

She walked inside, noting the extra Barcolounger, the hanging tapestries, the folded massage table...

"Wait. Wait. Okay, I can sort of understand what your stuff is doing here. But what the hell is Phoebe's stuff doing here? She broke up with Richard, not Ross."

"You should sit down. And you should eat a cookie."

Monica plopped into Rosita, staring at Chandler with frank curiousity as he crossed to the counter and rummaged in the cookie jar.

"So, Mon... did you and Richard get any, um, talking done last night?"

She flushed. "Not really, why?"

"Just wondering if he'd cleared some stuff up, or if I was gonna have to." He thrust a cookie into her hand, and took the other Barcolounger.

"So. Did Richard tell you that he was never really dating Phoebe?"

"What??"

"Wow, you guys really skipped straight to the sex. Y'okay. Here goes. Bite your cookie."

"Why are you so insistent that I eat this cookie?"

"Because with your mouth filled with oatmeal goodness, you can't scream at me."

Chandler waited until Monica had taken a bite, then began.

"So, okay. Joey liked Phoebe, but he thought she didn't like him, and he was all upset."

"Thasswhyhesbeenallweirdlately?" Monica said, mouth full of cookie.

"You concentrate on chewing. Anyway, he was trying to talk to Phoebe about it, and he ended up giving away too much... 'cause, you know, Joey's the master of sublety... so to cover his butt, he told her it was Rachel he was in love with."

"Thassostup..."

"I said chew, woman. Anyway, turns out, Phoebe liked him back, so she was all upset about this Rachel thing. And she didn't know what to do, until she went to your parents' party and talked to you about Kip... who, by the way, is a major, major buttmunch... and got an idea for how to get Rachel out of the picture, and accomplish, um, some other stuff at the same time."

"Sheisso..."

"Chew! Anyway, she started talking to Richard about you, and she got the idea to fake-date Richard, to make you jealous, so you'd leave me and go to him."

"They never dated?"

"Nope, it was a clever ruse."

"Just to make me jealous? Just to break us up?"

"Worked, didn't it?"

Monica crossed her arms in annoyance. "I still don't see what this has to do with Rachel."

"Okay, you need another cookie."

"I don't want another cookie. Finish the freaking story."

"So she and Richard set up Ross and Wendy, to get Ross out of the picture."

"But -- why would they want Ross out of the picture? I mean, shouldn't they want Ross *in* the picture? I thought the point was getting Rachel away from Joey. This makes no sense."

"Okay, first off, Richard didn't know about that part of the plan. And they had someone else in mind for Rachel besides Ross."

"Oh my god! Who?"

Chandler took a deep breath. "Um, Monica... me."

Monica laughed. "Oh my god! How stupid! Well... did at least the Phoebe and Joey part of their plan work?"

"Monica, the whole plan worked."

"I don't follow."

"Ross and Wendy, you and Richard, Phoebe and Joey, me and Rachel."

"You and Rachel."

"Me and Rachel."

"You... and Rachel."

"How many times are you gonna keep saying it?"

"You cheated on me with Rachel?"

"No, no, I didn't! I absolutely did not. We didn't even find out how each other felt until last night, after you left."

"So you had feelings for Rachel?"

"Yes."

"While you were engaged to me??"

"Um, hello? Richard? Hi? Pot, kettle, blackness?"

"I can't believe you had feelings for Rachel!"

"Monica, this situation is what is known as 'a happy ending', please try to appreciate that."

"A happy ending? A happy ending? How is this a happy ending? My best friend... my fiance... was running around having feelings for my other best friend? This is supposed to warm my heart?"

"Okay... Mon? Maybe you didn't notice, but you just ran off with your ex-boyfriend after you and I had been together for over two years!"

"You made me!"

"You wanted me to make you! And that is not the point! The point is that, by all rights, I should be the one screaming at you, or at least making you feel hideously guilty! But I'm not! I'm happy! That's good! Or at least it was, the last time I checked!"

"So when you told me to go to Richard, you were trying to get me out of the way so that you could be with Rachel?"

"Oh... my... god! Monica, you're with the love of your life now! And instead of having to go through some horribly messy, painful thing with me, you squirmed out scot-free! Can't you be happy about that?"

"I did not *squirm* out of anything!"

"Okay, okay, poor word choice, but Monica, still..."

"So, wait, wait just a minute. When you moved back in here... you didn't move back in with Joey, did you? You moved in with Rachel! Oh my god, we were engaged yesterday, and you've moved in with Rachel!"

"Monica! Do you see that couch? That's where I slept. That's where I'll *be* sleeping. And pardon me for assuming, but I don't think you crashed out on Dr. Burke's sofa last night, did you?"

"You haven't slept with Rachel?"

"Not... yet."

"Not yet. But you will, is that what you're saying?"

"It's part of the general long-term plan, yes."

"Did you kiss her?"

"That, I did."

"Did you do any other stuff?"

"Monica, what *is* this? You-had-sex-with-Richard! That disqualifies you from participating in this year's Jealousy Semifinals!"

"So I'm just supposed to be okay with this? You and Rachel? Hey, I've got a great idea, I'll just call up Emily and Mindy, we can form a little Rachel-Stole-My-Groom support group."

"Okay, do not, do not, do *not* blame this on Rachel. Rachel had stood by you every step of the way through this."

"Standing by me with her hand on your ass!"

"Rachel did nothing wrong! Absolutely nothing! She tried so freaking hard to make you happy, to do the right thing, to do what she thought you wanted! You know, the whole time I was having doubts, it was Rachel telling me to stay with you!"

"You were having doubts? Before Richard?"

"Before, during, after... Monica, you were kind of treating me like crap."

"I was NOT!"

"Oh, huh, gee, wonder why I was so freaking *miserable*, then?"

"Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!" Monica yanked furiously at her left hand ring finger. "I don't want this. I don't want this at all. I... I can't get it off, but if I could, I would so be throwing this at your head!"

"Probably your finger's bloated from all the sex you had with Richard while you were still wearing my engagement ring!"

Monica marched to the door, yanked it open, and slammed it behind her.

"Well gee," Chandler said to the air around him. "That went well."

--------------

To be continued...