"Monica, I'm sorry, but Chandler's right," Ross said calmly.
"What? What? What? C'mon, Ross, I was counting on you to freak out about this! This is Rachel! Rachel and Chandler! Chandler and Rachel! Don't you want to go even a little bit 'Red Ross'?"
"Well, huh, gee, um, let's see. I had Julie, who was really awesome, and I ruined it over... Rachel. And then there was Bonnie, and I ruined that over... hmm, still Rachel... and oh, Emily, my wife, blew that one over... oh, wow, that's funny, still Rachel! And in all that time, who did I never seem to end up with for more than five minutes? Oooh... oooh, hey, that's still Rachel. So here I am with Wendy, who's amazing, and makes me really, really happy. Gee, what should I not do, what should I not do... huh, *that's* a puzzler."
"So you seriously don't care about this?"
"Do I want to imagine it in detail? No. Am I sorry my little sister's upset? Yes. Do I want to get sucked into this drama? That'd be a big fat no. Mon, why can't you just accept that everything, miraculously, turned out for the best? How often does that happen for the six of us, seriously?"
"Ross... it's *Rachel*. And *Chandler*."
"Yes, I got that the first seven times you said it. But look... it's also you and Richard. Focus on that, okay? And look at it this way. Imagine how today would have gone if Chandler hadn't developed feelings for Rachel."
"Ross..."
"No seriously, think about it for a second. You come home. There's Chandler. He's crying, he's angry, he hates himself, he hates Richard, he hates you. He has to see you and Richard together, and he's all alone, you're wracked with guilt. Do you really think that would be better?"
"Argh. Argh! I have to go. There's still one human being left on this planet who will flip out about this properly."
"Gonna go talk to Gunther, huh?"
"Duh!!"
***
"Hey, sweetie!" Richard called as Monica slammed into his apartment.
He took one look at her and sighed. "Mon... are you aware that lightning bolts are shooting out of your eyeballs?"
"I just found out about Rachel and Chandler."
"Ahhhh... scotch?" Richard said, not quite meeting her gaze.
"Oh, great!" Monica sighed, dropping into the couch. "You knew, too. Am I *that* oblivious?"
"Honey, are you okay?"
"Just feelin' a *little* betrayed, that's all."
"Well, that's understandable. But Mon, if it makes you feel any better... do you know why Phoebe ended up hauling me over to your hallway for our command performance?"
"No, why?" she asked, accepting her drink.
"Because Rachel and Chandler weren't *doing* anything. They were both so concerned about hurting you, Monica. Phoebe and I waited months for them to cross the line, and you know what? They never would. I don't really think they ever would have. It's why we finally had to call Phase II off and skip right to Phase III."
Richard sat down beside her and put a consoling hand on her thigh. "Rachel and Chandler love you, sweetie. So, so much."
"Yeah, I guess... I guess I understand that. I just... I don't want to see either of them right now, not for a while."
She sighed and sipped her scotch. "Which is unfortunate, since I really ought to call Chandler."
"Why's that?"
"Well... um... let's just say I needed someone to vent to, and... Chandler might not want to drink anything Gunther's delivered for a while."
"You're bad!"
"I know!"
"Tell you what, I'll give Chandler a call later, pass on the warning."
"Oh, you are the sweetest. But that's okay. I mean, I have to talk to Chandler anyway. We have a million things to cancel, stuff he paid for. I'd already booked the band, the chapel, the flowers... I had bridesmaid dresses on order... it's just a huge mess."
"You know, he's going to lose a *lot* of money on that. Those places aren't too keen on full refunds."
"Oh god, oh god, I know."
"Wouldn't it be easier if I just wrote him a check?"
"What?"
"Well... do you *like* the band, the chapel, and the flowers?"
"Um, yes... it's all what I picked out..."
"So I'll write him a check."
"Richard... Richard, oh my god!"
"Well, this isn't the most romantic way of going about this, I know... I mean, I have the ring, but I was kind of planning to wait until you'd taken that one off."
"Are you...?"
"Well, I *am*. But, you know, the finger's occupied."
"Oh god! Oh, Richard, I was going to take it off, I wanted to... but... but... I can't!"
His face fell. "What... what are you saying?"
"I'm saying it's *stuck*!"
Richard laughed loudly in relief. "Oh, oh, okay, thank god. You know, you shouldn't do that to me. I'm old! I could have a heart attack."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. "C'mon. I'll show you a trick I learned when Michelle got her hand stuck in a jar of Smucker's."
***
The ring finally slid off, and Richard clutched Monica's still-soapy hand, sinking to one knee.
"Monica, I..."
"Richard, I love you, and the answer is yes, but, um, could we do this somewhere else? I really don't want to tell our kids how we got engaged on a fuzzy bathmat."
"The Plaza, then?"
"Oh my *god* you rock!!" Monica squealed, running out of the room.
***
"What is going *on* in there?" Phoebe snapped, staring at the shut bedroom door in frustration.
"I haven't heard anything break, so it couldn't be that bad, right?" Rachel said, drumming her fingers nervously on the countertop.
"I wish he'd hurry up," Joey groused, remote in hand. "I want to find out what happens to Willy!"
"Joey, Willy's a *salesman*," Rachel sighed.
"I know!"
"The movie's called 'Death of a Salesman'."
"And?"
"Oh god, Joey, you figure it out, okay?"
Chandler came out of the bedroom, setting the cordless phone gently back into its cradle. They all turned to him expectantly.
"Well, I'm jokeless. I am utterly without quip. Could you guys all turn to me like that in about five minutes, when my brain is working again?"
"Chandler, what happened?"
"Well, Richard wants to... sublet? ... my and Monica's wedding."
"Huh?"
"He wants to buy me out of the wedding. Write me a big check for everything I spent on it, and then marry Monica with it."
"Wow! That is going to save you so much money!" Phoebe chirped, then caught Chandler's look. "Which probably isn't what you were focusing on, was it."
"So what did you say?" Joey demanded.
"Well, I didn't really say anything. Apparently, he was calling me from the bathroom, while Monica changed, but she was ready before we could resolve things. Also, I discovered that I should not have had that latte, but that's a different matter entirely. Y'know, I *knew* I should have bought 'Miss Manners' Guide to Total Insanity' when it was on sale at the Strand!"
"So what are you going to do?" Rachel asked softly.
"Well, I guess I kind of have to go along with it... right? I mean, if I say no, I'm not only going to be the vindictive, petty one... but I'll be the vindictive, petty, poor one. I mean, all the rational, logical parts of my head say that this is a pretty decent idea."
"And the non-rational ones?"
"Well they, of course, are saying 'flarglarglarg'. They tend to lack constructive comments during times like this."
--------------
To be continued...
"What? What? What? C'mon, Ross, I was counting on you to freak out about this! This is Rachel! Rachel and Chandler! Chandler and Rachel! Don't you want to go even a little bit 'Red Ross'?"
"Well, huh, gee, um, let's see. I had Julie, who was really awesome, and I ruined it over... Rachel. And then there was Bonnie, and I ruined that over... hmm, still Rachel... and oh, Emily, my wife, blew that one over... oh, wow, that's funny, still Rachel! And in all that time, who did I never seem to end up with for more than five minutes? Oooh... oooh, hey, that's still Rachel. So here I am with Wendy, who's amazing, and makes me really, really happy. Gee, what should I not do, what should I not do... huh, *that's* a puzzler."
"So you seriously don't care about this?"
"Do I want to imagine it in detail? No. Am I sorry my little sister's upset? Yes. Do I want to get sucked into this drama? That'd be a big fat no. Mon, why can't you just accept that everything, miraculously, turned out for the best? How often does that happen for the six of us, seriously?"
"Ross... it's *Rachel*. And *Chandler*."
"Yes, I got that the first seven times you said it. But look... it's also you and Richard. Focus on that, okay? And look at it this way. Imagine how today would have gone if Chandler hadn't developed feelings for Rachel."
"Ross..."
"No seriously, think about it for a second. You come home. There's Chandler. He's crying, he's angry, he hates himself, he hates Richard, he hates you. He has to see you and Richard together, and he's all alone, you're wracked with guilt. Do you really think that would be better?"
"Argh. Argh! I have to go. There's still one human being left on this planet who will flip out about this properly."
"Gonna go talk to Gunther, huh?"
"Duh!!"
***
"Hey, sweetie!" Richard called as Monica slammed into his apartment.
He took one look at her and sighed. "Mon... are you aware that lightning bolts are shooting out of your eyeballs?"
"I just found out about Rachel and Chandler."
"Ahhhh... scotch?" Richard said, not quite meeting her gaze.
"Oh, great!" Monica sighed, dropping into the couch. "You knew, too. Am I *that* oblivious?"
"Honey, are you okay?"
"Just feelin' a *little* betrayed, that's all."
"Well, that's understandable. But Mon, if it makes you feel any better... do you know why Phoebe ended up hauling me over to your hallway for our command performance?"
"No, why?" she asked, accepting her drink.
"Because Rachel and Chandler weren't *doing* anything. They were both so concerned about hurting you, Monica. Phoebe and I waited months for them to cross the line, and you know what? They never would. I don't really think they ever would have. It's why we finally had to call Phase II off and skip right to Phase III."
Richard sat down beside her and put a consoling hand on her thigh. "Rachel and Chandler love you, sweetie. So, so much."
"Yeah, I guess... I guess I understand that. I just... I don't want to see either of them right now, not for a while."
She sighed and sipped her scotch. "Which is unfortunate, since I really ought to call Chandler."
"Why's that?"
"Well... um... let's just say I needed someone to vent to, and... Chandler might not want to drink anything Gunther's delivered for a while."
"You're bad!"
"I know!"
"Tell you what, I'll give Chandler a call later, pass on the warning."
"Oh, you are the sweetest. But that's okay. I mean, I have to talk to Chandler anyway. We have a million things to cancel, stuff he paid for. I'd already booked the band, the chapel, the flowers... I had bridesmaid dresses on order... it's just a huge mess."
"You know, he's going to lose a *lot* of money on that. Those places aren't too keen on full refunds."
"Oh god, oh god, I know."
"Wouldn't it be easier if I just wrote him a check?"
"What?"
"Well... do you *like* the band, the chapel, and the flowers?"
"Um, yes... it's all what I picked out..."
"So I'll write him a check."
"Richard... Richard, oh my god!"
"Well, this isn't the most romantic way of going about this, I know... I mean, I have the ring, but I was kind of planning to wait until you'd taken that one off."
"Are you...?"
"Well, I *am*. But, you know, the finger's occupied."
"Oh god! Oh, Richard, I was going to take it off, I wanted to... but... but... I can't!"
His face fell. "What... what are you saying?"
"I'm saying it's *stuck*!"
Richard laughed loudly in relief. "Oh, oh, okay, thank god. You know, you shouldn't do that to me. I'm old! I could have a heart attack."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. "C'mon. I'll show you a trick I learned when Michelle got her hand stuck in a jar of Smucker's."
***
The ring finally slid off, and Richard clutched Monica's still-soapy hand, sinking to one knee.
"Monica, I..."
"Richard, I love you, and the answer is yes, but, um, could we do this somewhere else? I really don't want to tell our kids how we got engaged on a fuzzy bathmat."
"The Plaza, then?"
"Oh my *god* you rock!!" Monica squealed, running out of the room.
***
"What is going *on* in there?" Phoebe snapped, staring at the shut bedroom door in frustration.
"I haven't heard anything break, so it couldn't be that bad, right?" Rachel said, drumming her fingers nervously on the countertop.
"I wish he'd hurry up," Joey groused, remote in hand. "I want to find out what happens to Willy!"
"Joey, Willy's a *salesman*," Rachel sighed.
"I know!"
"The movie's called 'Death of a Salesman'."
"And?"
"Oh god, Joey, you figure it out, okay?"
Chandler came out of the bedroom, setting the cordless phone gently back into its cradle. They all turned to him expectantly.
"Well, I'm jokeless. I am utterly without quip. Could you guys all turn to me like that in about five minutes, when my brain is working again?"
"Chandler, what happened?"
"Well, Richard wants to... sublet? ... my and Monica's wedding."
"Huh?"
"He wants to buy me out of the wedding. Write me a big check for everything I spent on it, and then marry Monica with it."
"Wow! That is going to save you so much money!" Phoebe chirped, then caught Chandler's look. "Which probably isn't what you were focusing on, was it."
"So what did you say?" Joey demanded.
"Well, I didn't really say anything. Apparently, he was calling me from the bathroom, while Monica changed, but she was ready before we could resolve things. Also, I discovered that I should not have had that latte, but that's a different matter entirely. Y'know, I *knew* I should have bought 'Miss Manners' Guide to Total Insanity' when it was on sale at the Strand!"
"So what are you going to do?" Rachel asked softly.
"Well, I guess I kind of have to go along with it... right? I mean, if I say no, I'm not only going to be the vindictive, petty one... but I'll be the vindictive, petty, poor one. I mean, all the rational, logical parts of my head say that this is a pretty decent idea."
"And the non-rational ones?"
"Well they, of course, are saying 'flarglarglarg'. They tend to lack constructive comments during times like this."
--------------
To be continued...
