"Rachel?" Phoebe called, knocking lightly on the door. "You're not still in there clutching something that someone else peed on, are you?"
No answer. Phoebe sighed deeply. "Can I come in?"
Rachel mumbled something that sounded like assent, so Phoebe pushed the door open. She found Rachel cross-legged on her air mattress, staring intently into the screen of Chandler's laptop, which she'd perched on a cardboard box.
"Well, I just *love* what you've done with the decor," Phoebe drawled. Other than the air mattress and the boxes, the room was completely empty.
"Yeah, I'm goin' for a minimalist thing," Rachel said, picking up the pregnancy test off the box and shaking it. "Thought this could be kind of the 'focal point'."
"Did you tell him why you wanted to borrow that?" Phoebe asked, gesturing at the laptop.
"Told him I wanted to shop for furniture online," Rachel replied, fingers flying in a fresh burst of typing.
"But you're really...?"
"Look at this," Rachel said, pushing the laptop so Phoebe could see the screen. It displayed a calendar, with different days in pastel colors. She pointed at the display. "I found this website with a calculator. See here? I remember Monica complaining about cramps when we went to Bloomingdale's, so we can kinda guess her last period, especially since she'd have to wait until her period was due to take the test. Monica empties the trash every Monday, so we know the test is no more than three days old. And see, that puts her ovulation right *here*..." she circled her finger at a set of days displayed in powder blue, "... which means..."
"You've gone totally psycho in just an hour and a half?"
"Phoebe!" Rachel snapped. "No, it means that..."
"No, I get it, I get it. I'm just worried about you, all caught up in this new math for obsessives. Are you *aware* that you're wearing your glasses?"
"I am not *obsessive*." Rachel pushed her glasses up self-consciously. "And the screen was giving me a headache."
"Rachel, look. Monica's getting married in *two days*. Do you seriously think she'd be doing that if she thought there was any chance she was having Chandler's baby?"
Rachel flicked a lock of hair away in irritation. "Of course, of course you're right, Phoebe...! 'Cause there's nothing Monica would enjoy more than calling off her wedding... for the second time in a month... *and* explaining to everyone involved *why* she's doing it."
"So what do the little blue days mean?" Phoebe asked, sitting down next to Rachel quickly.
"These days are the days Monica could have conceived... going on the preliminary data we have, which is, of course, limited and hypothetical."
"Look at you, all Rossed out," Phoebe grinned. "'Preliminary Data'... 'Hypothetical'"
Rachel pointedly ignored her. "Check it out. Right smack dab in the middle is the day that she and Richard hooked back up. So if she conceived here... it's Chandler. And here... it's Richard."
"So she and Chandler would have had to get it on right here?" Phoebe pointed at two blue days.
"Yeah."
"So, it's probably Richard's. I mean, that was right before they were fighting enough to break up -- how busy could they have gotten?"
"Yeah, but think about Monica today. She's been all 'Chandler sucks!' ever since this whole thing happened... and suddenly, today, she's all... keeping his sock bunny a-and having little moments with him?"
"Look, Rach. Basically, no one knows what's going on right now but Monica, right? I mean, this whole pink-and-blue thingey here is just a guess... you don't even know when she had her period, or when she took the test, and you're driving yourself totally crazy."
"Yeah," Rachel admitted, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes.
"So... let's go get some food, okay? Monica will tell us when she knows what's going on."
"Yeah, okay," Rachel agreed, following her out the door.
***
"What are you looking for again?" Joey asked through a mouthful of cereal.
Chandler looked up from the drawer he was rummaging through. "My key to Rachel and Phoebe's."
"Look, man, give up," Joey sighed. "Now that Monica's gone, there's never gonna be any food over there worth stealing."
"No, no," Chandler said, opening another drawer, "I have this awesome plan."
"What's that?"
"Well, Rachel borrowed my laptop today, to shop for furniture online, right? And I know her, okay? She'll spend a bunch of time looking at the expensive stuff she really wants, then give up and buy crap she doesn't really like but can afford."
"And...?"
"And if I get over there and get my laptop before she shuts it down, I can tell which pages she looked at the longest, and buy that stuff for her as a surprise."
"You... you can tell what sites people were at the longest?" Joey said nervously.
"Yeah, I've got a program installed," Chandler said, then noticed Joey's look. "Not exactly shocked ya looked at porn, Joe...!"
Chandler held up a keyring triumpantly. "Boo-ya."
***
"I'm goin' out on a limb and guessin' that the room *without* the beaded goddess curtain is Rachel's," Joey said, opening the fridge with a sigh. "Soy junk and Diet Coke... how are we supposed to live on this?"
"I dunno, Joe... we *might* have to buy our own food," Chandler replied, heading for the bedroom door.
"Don't start talkin' crazy," Joey snapped, pulling a carton of Tofutti out of the freezer and grabbing a spoon.
Chandler grinned and opened Rachel's door, crossing to his computer. His eyes fell on a slender white plastic stick resting next to the laptop, and he picked it up disbelievingly. Two blue lines stared at him out of the little window.
He dropped it with a clatter, leaned over his computer, and touched the space bar. His exploding sheep screensaver disappeared, revealing a pastel calendar.
"Last period," he whispered to himself, his eyes scanning the screen, "Probable due date..."
"Oh shit," he said in horror.
Joey looked up from his Tofutti as Chandler burst through Rachel's bedroom door. "C'mon, we're leaving."
"Did you find the furniture...?"
"Found a hell of a lot more than that! C'mon, put that back, they can't know we were here."
"But I'm almost finished," Joey said, pointing at his nearly empty container with his spoon.
"So take it with you. We have to get out of here."
"What the hell...?" Joey followed Chandler as he practically sprinted out and carefully locked the door behind them before slamming into their own apartment.
Chandler collapsed onto the yellow sofa and put a throw pillow over his face.
Joey set the Tofutti down on the counter. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"
"Raffuhgrent," came the voice from behind the pillow.
"*Without* the pillow over your head?"
Chandler threw the pillow violently into the corner. "Rachel's pregnant."
"Oh my god! Well, congratulations!"
"It's not *mine*," Chandler snapped.
"Dude... how do you know?"
"Because I haven't had sex with her yet! Or done anything where my guys could get anywhere near her... girls, okay?"
"So she was dating some guy before you? I don't remember anyone..."
"I don't either," Chandler said. "But here's the thing... the whole little, ovulation-*thing*, on the computer screen... she got pregnant while she was *with me*."
"Ovu-what?"
"Lemme skip to the good part for ya, Joe... she *cheated* on me."
"Dude... that was *fast*."
"Huh-yeah!" Chandler sprang up and began pacing the room, hands running through his hair. "I mean, I don't understand. Usually women at least wait until they've had sex with me to leave me!"
"Sucks to be you, man," Joey laughed, then sobered, clutching his Tofutti protectively, as Chandler whirled in anger. "Or, you know, somethin' supportive instead."
"I can't believe she would do this to me," Chandler moaned.
"Whoa," Joey said. "Do you think the baby is Ross'?"
"Hadn't thought of *that*, Joe! But thanks a whole hell of a lot!"
"Look -- maybe the test is wrong. Aren't those tests wrong sometimes?"
"If she didn't have sex with someone, why would she take a test at all?"
"Oh, yeah." Joey looked woefully at his spoon.
"I can't... I don't... I have to think," Chandler sighed. "I just... I don't think I can look at her right now."
"Well, you can't *not* look at her," Joey replied. "I mean, you've got the rehearsal dinner tomorrow... and your... I mean, Monica's wedding the day after that..."
Chandler turned and glared.
"Shouldn't have reminded you about that, should I," Joey said sheepishly as Chandler slammed his bedroom door.
***
Monica sat on the bathmat, staring at the sticks she held in her hands.
Positive. Positive. Positive. And for a refreshing change of pace... Positive.
She leaned her head against the wall, thankful beyond belief that Richard was at his bachelor party.
All her life, she'd wanted to be pregnant. All her life, she'd wanted children more than anything. And she'd managed to get pregnant in the one week that she really, really shouldn't have.
"Thanks a *lot*, God," she said aloud, staring at the light fixture in the ceiling.
The ironic thing was -- Chandler hadn't even wanted to have sex that night. He'd been all pissed off and pouty, pretending to be engrossed in TV show so he'd have an excuse to ignore her. She'd forced the issue, practically begged him... so desperate to pretend that everything was fine between them.
And a day later, she'd been back with Richard.
"Why, why, why, why, why," she moaned, beating her head rhythmically against the tile.
The baby was probably Richard's. She and Chandler'd had sex once that week -- she and Richard had practically reached marathon status. But the possibility, the stupid, horrible possibility, still existed.
And while that possibility existed, she *had* to tell Chandler.
And -- oh god -- Richard.
Richard hadn't even wanted to have more kids. He'd really only agreed to it because he wanted to be with her. He'd *definitely* not want to raise kids that weren't even his... right?
And Chandler, god. She'd *just* broken up with him, was supposed to marry another man in two freakin' days. He was with Rachel, her best friend.
She had to call him. Had to tell him. Had to tell them both, before the wedding, before this situation got any more insane. She owed it to them both.
She struggled up from the floor and walked woodenly into the living room, picking up the phone and dialing the number she'd know by heart until she died.
"Hello," Joey's voice answered.
"Joey -- Joey, it's Monica. I need to talk to Chandler."
"Um, yeah... now's not the best time."
"Oh." She bit her lip. "Are he and Rachel, um..."
Joey snorted. "Yeah, not so much. Chandler's just really upset."
"What's going on?"
"Well, look." Joey lowered his voice. "Look, I'm gonna tell you somethin', but do me a favor and don't spread it around yet, okay?"
"Sure, no problem..."
"Chandler's really upset 'cause... well, 'cause Rachel's pregnant."
"Oh my god," Monica breathed. "Joey, I have to go... um... I've got stuff in the oven."
Which was only sort of a lie.
"Want me to tell Chandler you called?"
"No... no... if he's upset, I'll just talk to him later."
She pressed the END button and slung the phone across the couch.
No answer. Phoebe sighed deeply. "Can I come in?"
Rachel mumbled something that sounded like assent, so Phoebe pushed the door open. She found Rachel cross-legged on her air mattress, staring intently into the screen of Chandler's laptop, which she'd perched on a cardboard box.
"Well, I just *love* what you've done with the decor," Phoebe drawled. Other than the air mattress and the boxes, the room was completely empty.
"Yeah, I'm goin' for a minimalist thing," Rachel said, picking up the pregnancy test off the box and shaking it. "Thought this could be kind of the 'focal point'."
"Did you tell him why you wanted to borrow that?" Phoebe asked, gesturing at the laptop.
"Told him I wanted to shop for furniture online," Rachel replied, fingers flying in a fresh burst of typing.
"But you're really...?"
"Look at this," Rachel said, pushing the laptop so Phoebe could see the screen. It displayed a calendar, with different days in pastel colors. She pointed at the display. "I found this website with a calculator. See here? I remember Monica complaining about cramps when we went to Bloomingdale's, so we can kinda guess her last period, especially since she'd have to wait until her period was due to take the test. Monica empties the trash every Monday, so we know the test is no more than three days old. And see, that puts her ovulation right *here*..." she circled her finger at a set of days displayed in powder blue, "... which means..."
"You've gone totally psycho in just an hour and a half?"
"Phoebe!" Rachel snapped. "No, it means that..."
"No, I get it, I get it. I'm just worried about you, all caught up in this new math for obsessives. Are you *aware* that you're wearing your glasses?"
"I am not *obsessive*." Rachel pushed her glasses up self-consciously. "And the screen was giving me a headache."
"Rachel, look. Monica's getting married in *two days*. Do you seriously think she'd be doing that if she thought there was any chance she was having Chandler's baby?"
Rachel flicked a lock of hair away in irritation. "Of course, of course you're right, Phoebe...! 'Cause there's nothing Monica would enjoy more than calling off her wedding... for the second time in a month... *and* explaining to everyone involved *why* she's doing it."
"So what do the little blue days mean?" Phoebe asked, sitting down next to Rachel quickly.
"These days are the days Monica could have conceived... going on the preliminary data we have, which is, of course, limited and hypothetical."
"Look at you, all Rossed out," Phoebe grinned. "'Preliminary Data'... 'Hypothetical'"
Rachel pointedly ignored her. "Check it out. Right smack dab in the middle is the day that she and Richard hooked back up. So if she conceived here... it's Chandler. And here... it's Richard."
"So she and Chandler would have had to get it on right here?" Phoebe pointed at two blue days.
"Yeah."
"So, it's probably Richard's. I mean, that was right before they were fighting enough to break up -- how busy could they have gotten?"
"Yeah, but think about Monica today. She's been all 'Chandler sucks!' ever since this whole thing happened... and suddenly, today, she's all... keeping his sock bunny a-and having little moments with him?"
"Look, Rach. Basically, no one knows what's going on right now but Monica, right? I mean, this whole pink-and-blue thingey here is just a guess... you don't even know when she had her period, or when she took the test, and you're driving yourself totally crazy."
"Yeah," Rachel admitted, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes.
"So... let's go get some food, okay? Monica will tell us when she knows what's going on."
"Yeah, okay," Rachel agreed, following her out the door.
***
"What are you looking for again?" Joey asked through a mouthful of cereal.
Chandler looked up from the drawer he was rummaging through. "My key to Rachel and Phoebe's."
"Look, man, give up," Joey sighed. "Now that Monica's gone, there's never gonna be any food over there worth stealing."
"No, no," Chandler said, opening another drawer, "I have this awesome plan."
"What's that?"
"Well, Rachel borrowed my laptop today, to shop for furniture online, right? And I know her, okay? She'll spend a bunch of time looking at the expensive stuff she really wants, then give up and buy crap she doesn't really like but can afford."
"And...?"
"And if I get over there and get my laptop before she shuts it down, I can tell which pages she looked at the longest, and buy that stuff for her as a surprise."
"You... you can tell what sites people were at the longest?" Joey said nervously.
"Yeah, I've got a program installed," Chandler said, then noticed Joey's look. "Not exactly shocked ya looked at porn, Joe...!"
Chandler held up a keyring triumpantly. "Boo-ya."
***
"I'm goin' out on a limb and guessin' that the room *without* the beaded goddess curtain is Rachel's," Joey said, opening the fridge with a sigh. "Soy junk and Diet Coke... how are we supposed to live on this?"
"I dunno, Joe... we *might* have to buy our own food," Chandler replied, heading for the bedroom door.
"Don't start talkin' crazy," Joey snapped, pulling a carton of Tofutti out of the freezer and grabbing a spoon.
Chandler grinned and opened Rachel's door, crossing to his computer. His eyes fell on a slender white plastic stick resting next to the laptop, and he picked it up disbelievingly. Two blue lines stared at him out of the little window.
He dropped it with a clatter, leaned over his computer, and touched the space bar. His exploding sheep screensaver disappeared, revealing a pastel calendar.
"Last period," he whispered to himself, his eyes scanning the screen, "Probable due date..."
"Oh shit," he said in horror.
Joey looked up from his Tofutti as Chandler burst through Rachel's bedroom door. "C'mon, we're leaving."
"Did you find the furniture...?"
"Found a hell of a lot more than that! C'mon, put that back, they can't know we were here."
"But I'm almost finished," Joey said, pointing at his nearly empty container with his spoon.
"So take it with you. We have to get out of here."
"What the hell...?" Joey followed Chandler as he practically sprinted out and carefully locked the door behind them before slamming into their own apartment.
Chandler collapsed onto the yellow sofa and put a throw pillow over his face.
Joey set the Tofutti down on the counter. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"
"Raffuhgrent," came the voice from behind the pillow.
"*Without* the pillow over your head?"
Chandler threw the pillow violently into the corner. "Rachel's pregnant."
"Oh my god! Well, congratulations!"
"It's not *mine*," Chandler snapped.
"Dude... how do you know?"
"Because I haven't had sex with her yet! Or done anything where my guys could get anywhere near her... girls, okay?"
"So she was dating some guy before you? I don't remember anyone..."
"I don't either," Chandler said. "But here's the thing... the whole little, ovulation-*thing*, on the computer screen... she got pregnant while she was *with me*."
"Ovu-what?"
"Lemme skip to the good part for ya, Joe... she *cheated* on me."
"Dude... that was *fast*."
"Huh-yeah!" Chandler sprang up and began pacing the room, hands running through his hair. "I mean, I don't understand. Usually women at least wait until they've had sex with me to leave me!"
"Sucks to be you, man," Joey laughed, then sobered, clutching his Tofutti protectively, as Chandler whirled in anger. "Or, you know, somethin' supportive instead."
"I can't believe she would do this to me," Chandler moaned.
"Whoa," Joey said. "Do you think the baby is Ross'?"
"Hadn't thought of *that*, Joe! But thanks a whole hell of a lot!"
"Look -- maybe the test is wrong. Aren't those tests wrong sometimes?"
"If she didn't have sex with someone, why would she take a test at all?"
"Oh, yeah." Joey looked woefully at his spoon.
"I can't... I don't... I have to think," Chandler sighed. "I just... I don't think I can look at her right now."
"Well, you can't *not* look at her," Joey replied. "I mean, you've got the rehearsal dinner tomorrow... and your... I mean, Monica's wedding the day after that..."
Chandler turned and glared.
"Shouldn't have reminded you about that, should I," Joey said sheepishly as Chandler slammed his bedroom door.
***
Monica sat on the bathmat, staring at the sticks she held in her hands.
Positive. Positive. Positive. And for a refreshing change of pace... Positive.
She leaned her head against the wall, thankful beyond belief that Richard was at his bachelor party.
All her life, she'd wanted to be pregnant. All her life, she'd wanted children more than anything. And she'd managed to get pregnant in the one week that she really, really shouldn't have.
"Thanks a *lot*, God," she said aloud, staring at the light fixture in the ceiling.
The ironic thing was -- Chandler hadn't even wanted to have sex that night. He'd been all pissed off and pouty, pretending to be engrossed in TV show so he'd have an excuse to ignore her. She'd forced the issue, practically begged him... so desperate to pretend that everything was fine between them.
And a day later, she'd been back with Richard.
"Why, why, why, why, why," she moaned, beating her head rhythmically against the tile.
The baby was probably Richard's. She and Chandler'd had sex once that week -- she and Richard had practically reached marathon status. But the possibility, the stupid, horrible possibility, still existed.
And while that possibility existed, she *had* to tell Chandler.
And -- oh god -- Richard.
Richard hadn't even wanted to have more kids. He'd really only agreed to it because he wanted to be with her. He'd *definitely* not want to raise kids that weren't even his... right?
And Chandler, god. She'd *just* broken up with him, was supposed to marry another man in two freakin' days. He was with Rachel, her best friend.
She had to call him. Had to tell him. Had to tell them both, before the wedding, before this situation got any more insane. She owed it to them both.
She struggled up from the floor and walked woodenly into the living room, picking up the phone and dialing the number she'd know by heart until she died.
"Hello," Joey's voice answered.
"Joey -- Joey, it's Monica. I need to talk to Chandler."
"Um, yeah... now's not the best time."
"Oh." She bit her lip. "Are he and Rachel, um..."
Joey snorted. "Yeah, not so much. Chandler's just really upset."
"What's going on?"
"Well, look." Joey lowered his voice. "Look, I'm gonna tell you somethin', but do me a favor and don't spread it around yet, okay?"
"Sure, no problem..."
"Chandler's really upset 'cause... well, 'cause Rachel's pregnant."
"Oh my god," Monica breathed. "Joey, I have to go... um... I've got stuff in the oven."
Which was only sort of a lie.
"Want me to tell Chandler you called?"
"No... no... if he's upset, I'll just talk to him later."
She pressed the END button and slung the phone across the couch.
