Chandler stumbled over knees as he plowed his way through the aisle. The very confused usher was escorting Charles and Nora towards the front of the room.
"Mom! Dad!" Chandler hissed. "Mom! Dad!"
If they heard him, they were ignoring him.
"Mom!" Chandler tried a little louder. "Dad?"
He gave up trying to blend, jogged down the aisle and caught them both by the arm. "Hey!"
"Well, look who it is," Charles Bing cooed angrily. "It's our boy!"
"Or someone who looks an awful lot like him," Nora continued.
"Not that we'd know, dear..."
"Since he's obviously *ashamed* of us..."
"Why, Nora," Charles sighed melodramatically, putting a delicate hand to his chest and drawing himself up to full, evening-gowned height, "Do you think he was afraid we'd... make a *scene*?"
"Us?" Nora cried, tossing her silver mane. "Why, *never*."
"Mom, Dad, I can explain everything, if you will just come with me, oh god, please?"
"Why, I think he's *embarrassed*," Charles very nearly shouted.
"Which makes it a good time for him to explain... *this*," Nora added at equal volume, thrusting a newspaper clipping in Chandler's face.
"You see," Charles boomed to the assembled guests, "This is our son, the groom. Who didn't invite us to the wedding."
"No, no-no," Chandler replied angrily, "I'm your son, the *guest*, who didn't invite you because it's not-my-damn-wedding!"
Nora inhaled sharply. "What?"
"But thanks for not calling," Chandler spat. "And thanks for just assuming. And thanks a lot for thinking it was appropriate to get *revenge* on my wedding day!"
Chandler whirled, feeling the eyes of every guest on him. "Heya, hiya, hi there, thanks for staring."
"Who the hell are you people?" Jack Geller boomed angrily from the back, stalking down the aisle towards the Bings. "Why are you trying to ruin my daughter's wedding?"
"Jack, these are my parents. Mom, Dad, Jack Geller. My *former* fiancee's father."
"Look, son," Jack demanded. "I'm sorry Monica dumped you, but this is very inappropriate."
"You got *dumped*, honey?" Nora cried.
"Yes, mom, I kinda did. It's a long story, okay? And this *would* have been my wedding, and I *would* have invited you, but she's... marrying someone else."
"She's marrying someone else on your wedding day?" Charles gasped in horror, setting his rhinestones twinkling. "But that's so *tacky*."
"Chandler saved a lot of money!" Jack said defensively.
"It's true, it's true, I did..."
"But *still*," Charles said. "How could she rub my baby's face in it like that?"
"I'm not rubbing his face in *anything*!" a voice shrieked from the hallway.
Rachel emerged suddenly, violently pushed from behind. "Hi-hi, I'm Rachel Green, I'm the maid of honor, hi. I'm sure this can all be resolved, um, if you'd all just follow me into the next room..."
"See, *that's* my girlfriend," Chandler explained.
"You cheated on your bride with the maid of honor? No wonder she dumped you, kiddo!" Nora said in shock.
Jack Geller whirled in rage. "Monica didn't say anything about *that*!"
"I... did... not... cheat... on... *anybody*!" Chandler exploded. "And could we please, *please* not do this here?"
"Look," Richard said, walking down the aisle as calmly as possible. "I'm sure we can get this all sorted out. Let's just everybody calm down, and..."
"Who's this?" Charles demanded.
"That's Richard. *That's* the groom," Chandler sighed.
"Look, uh, Mister Bing?" Richard said awkwardly, "I..."
"You stole my Chandler's fiancee?" Charles squawked.
"Oh god no!" Chandler cried. "He didn't steal anything! Can we please, please just not be here?"
"I don't understand any of this," Nora said. "Who cheated on who?"
"Better ask Rachel," Chandler muttered.
"Whoa, whoa, I heard that," Rachel snapped. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, Chandler?"
"Oh-ho, why don't you tell me?" Chandler replied angrily.
"Well, you're making no sense, so you go first!"
"Look. I know about the baby."
"I know you know about the baby!"
"So then you know I know you cheated on me, okay?"
"What? I didn't cheat on you!"
"Oh no? So what, I'm gifted with flying Wonder Sperm?"
"How am I even in this? I'm not the one who's pregnant!"
"You're not?" Chandler and Richard said in unison.
"Wait a minute," Rachel whirled, pointing at Richard, "You think I'm pregnant, too?"
"Look, you don't have to pretend," Chandler said. "I found your calendar, and your little test..."
"That test wasn't *mine*," Rachel cried.
"Then whose was it?"
"It was mine!" Phoebe called, jumping into the hallway and waving her hand. "It was mine, sorry to cause trouble, I'm all kinds of knocked up, everybody go back to the wedding now..."
"What?" Joey shrieked, standing straight up. "Why'd you tell me it was Rachel's?"
"I didn't!" Phoebe said, "You assumed, and I assumed you knew it was..."
Phoebe clapped her hand over her mouth.
"It's not *yours*, Pheebs," Chandler said suspiciously. "Tell the truth. Whose was it?"
"It was mine," Monica said softly, appearing at the head of the aisle with her bouquet drooping from her hand. "It was mine, okay?"
"B-but Mon," Chandler said softly, "I saw that calendar. If it's *yours*, then it might be..."
"Yeah, Chandler," Monica said, wiping tears from her eyes. "That's right."
"Mom! Dad!" Chandler hissed. "Mom! Dad!"
If they heard him, they were ignoring him.
"Mom!" Chandler tried a little louder. "Dad?"
He gave up trying to blend, jogged down the aisle and caught them both by the arm. "Hey!"
"Well, look who it is," Charles Bing cooed angrily. "It's our boy!"
"Or someone who looks an awful lot like him," Nora continued.
"Not that we'd know, dear..."
"Since he's obviously *ashamed* of us..."
"Why, Nora," Charles sighed melodramatically, putting a delicate hand to his chest and drawing himself up to full, evening-gowned height, "Do you think he was afraid we'd... make a *scene*?"
"Us?" Nora cried, tossing her silver mane. "Why, *never*."
"Mom, Dad, I can explain everything, if you will just come with me, oh god, please?"
"Why, I think he's *embarrassed*," Charles very nearly shouted.
"Which makes it a good time for him to explain... *this*," Nora added at equal volume, thrusting a newspaper clipping in Chandler's face.
"You see," Charles boomed to the assembled guests, "This is our son, the groom. Who didn't invite us to the wedding."
"No, no-no," Chandler replied angrily, "I'm your son, the *guest*, who didn't invite you because it's not-my-damn-wedding!"
Nora inhaled sharply. "What?"
"But thanks for not calling," Chandler spat. "And thanks for just assuming. And thanks a lot for thinking it was appropriate to get *revenge* on my wedding day!"
Chandler whirled, feeling the eyes of every guest on him. "Heya, hiya, hi there, thanks for staring."
"Who the hell are you people?" Jack Geller boomed angrily from the back, stalking down the aisle towards the Bings. "Why are you trying to ruin my daughter's wedding?"
"Jack, these are my parents. Mom, Dad, Jack Geller. My *former* fiancee's father."
"Look, son," Jack demanded. "I'm sorry Monica dumped you, but this is very inappropriate."
"You got *dumped*, honey?" Nora cried.
"Yes, mom, I kinda did. It's a long story, okay? And this *would* have been my wedding, and I *would* have invited you, but she's... marrying someone else."
"She's marrying someone else on your wedding day?" Charles gasped in horror, setting his rhinestones twinkling. "But that's so *tacky*."
"Chandler saved a lot of money!" Jack said defensively.
"It's true, it's true, I did..."
"But *still*," Charles said. "How could she rub my baby's face in it like that?"
"I'm not rubbing his face in *anything*!" a voice shrieked from the hallway.
Rachel emerged suddenly, violently pushed from behind. "Hi-hi, I'm Rachel Green, I'm the maid of honor, hi. I'm sure this can all be resolved, um, if you'd all just follow me into the next room..."
"See, *that's* my girlfriend," Chandler explained.
"You cheated on your bride with the maid of honor? No wonder she dumped you, kiddo!" Nora said in shock.
Jack Geller whirled in rage. "Monica didn't say anything about *that*!"
"I... did... not... cheat... on... *anybody*!" Chandler exploded. "And could we please, *please* not do this here?"
"Look," Richard said, walking down the aisle as calmly as possible. "I'm sure we can get this all sorted out. Let's just everybody calm down, and..."
"Who's this?" Charles demanded.
"That's Richard. *That's* the groom," Chandler sighed.
"Look, uh, Mister Bing?" Richard said awkwardly, "I..."
"You stole my Chandler's fiancee?" Charles squawked.
"Oh god no!" Chandler cried. "He didn't steal anything! Can we please, please just not be here?"
"I don't understand any of this," Nora said. "Who cheated on who?"
"Better ask Rachel," Chandler muttered.
"Whoa, whoa, I heard that," Rachel snapped. "What the hell is that supposed to mean, Chandler?"
"Oh-ho, why don't you tell me?" Chandler replied angrily.
"Well, you're making no sense, so you go first!"
"Look. I know about the baby."
"I know you know about the baby!"
"So then you know I know you cheated on me, okay?"
"What? I didn't cheat on you!"
"Oh no? So what, I'm gifted with flying Wonder Sperm?"
"How am I even in this? I'm not the one who's pregnant!"
"You're not?" Chandler and Richard said in unison.
"Wait a minute," Rachel whirled, pointing at Richard, "You think I'm pregnant, too?"
"Look, you don't have to pretend," Chandler said. "I found your calendar, and your little test..."
"That test wasn't *mine*," Rachel cried.
"Then whose was it?"
"It was mine!" Phoebe called, jumping into the hallway and waving her hand. "It was mine, sorry to cause trouble, I'm all kinds of knocked up, everybody go back to the wedding now..."
"What?" Joey shrieked, standing straight up. "Why'd you tell me it was Rachel's?"
"I didn't!" Phoebe said, "You assumed, and I assumed you knew it was..."
Phoebe clapped her hand over her mouth.
"It's not *yours*, Pheebs," Chandler said suspiciously. "Tell the truth. Whose was it?"
"It was mine," Monica said softly, appearing at the head of the aisle with her bouquet drooping from her hand. "It was mine, okay?"
"B-but Mon," Chandler said softly, "I saw that calendar. If it's *yours*, then it might be..."
"Yeah, Chandler," Monica said, wiping tears from her eyes. "That's right."
