Chandler power-walked over to Monica, taking her by the arm and leading her out of the chapel.

"When were you going to tell me?" he demanded.

Monica pulled her veil up over her head and sighed. "I was going to tell you, Chandler. You have to understand..."

"Okay, see, that's the thing... I don't understand *anything*."

"Excuse me," the priest said, tapping Monica on the shoulder. "I hate to interrupt, but I do have another wedding in an hour. Are you proceeding with the ceremony?"

"Am I proceeding with the ceremony?" Monica asked Chandler, staring him in the face.

"I... I... you're asking me? Why are you asking me?"

"You're the groom?" the priest said in confusion. "I thought..."

"I'm not the groom," Chandler groaned. "I was, now I'm not... oh, go ahead, just let me... collect my freakish parents..."

He started to head off, but Monica caught his sleeve. "Chandler... Chandler, I'm sorry."

"Well, I'm... sorry my parents ruined your wedding," he sighed. "I know how much this means to you, and I..."

"Can we talk later?" Monica begged.

"Yeah, I... I think we really need to."

Chandler walked down the aisle and stopped, facing the crowd. "Hi, everyone, and thanks! I hope you enjoyed our little skit. Monica and Richard have always felt that waiting for a wedding to start was so boring, right?"

The crowd murmured in confusion.

"Hey, everybody, take a bow!" Chandler cried, grabbing Nora by the wrist and pulling her down into a bow. "Everybody, come on!"

Charles, Rachel, Jack, and the others all bowed. The audience began to clap hesitantly, then more confidently.

"Hey, everybody, offstage!" Chandler said in the same cheery voice, heading up the aisle.

Rachel tried to follow him, but her mother caught her arm from her pew. "You were just wonderful in that, sweetie. Very realistic!"

"T-thanks, thanks, Mom," Rachel said awkwardly. "Gotta, gotta get offstage now!"

"Waiting for weddings to start *is* boring," her mother continued approvingly, clapping hard. "Bra-vo!"

Charles continued to bow, and Chandler jogged back down the aisle to retrieve him. "Time and place, dad... time and place..."

"So Mom, Dad," Chandler said when he'd gotten them safely out in the hallway, "Can I buy you a bagel?"

***

Rachel took a sip of her champagne, smoothing the flowered fabric of her bridesmaid's dress over her knees.

"You hiding out here?" her favorite voice in the world called behind her.

She looked up at Chandler, who quickly sat down on the stairs next to her.

"Hey," she said timidly. "How... how was your bagel?"

"It was a meal with my parents. Somehow, they always involve nausea." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "So, it turns out that I'm a total asshole."

"Oh, c'mon," Rachel said, smiling a little. "You're not a... *total* asshole."

"No-no, I am, the other assholes already elected me president."

"Ooooh," Rachel laughed, "A boyfriend in politics. Dad will be so proud."

"So I'm..." Chandler said nervously, "Still your boyfriend?"

Rachel reached out and squeezed his knee. "Well yeah... although, gotta tell you, goin' for a bagel and not bringing me back one... not points in your favor, buddy."

"Well, you were at *Monica's* reception. I figured you'd be stuffed with small, unpronounceable things."

"Ah, y'know, I think I *did* have some Puffy La Blah Blah Blah with Dilled Whatzit, now that you mention it."

"How *was* the wedding?"

Rachel leaned his head on his shoulder, gratified when he leaned back against the wall so that she could rest on his chest. "It was weird. I think most of the guests bought the play thing. Of course, the actual wedding party... a little strained...!"

"How's Judy taking it?"

"When I snuck out, she was on her fifteenth glass of champagne."

Chandler winced. "And... how are you taking it?"

"I'm a little weirded out... aren't you?"

"I passed 'weirded out' about four hours ago," Chandler admitted, dropping his face into Rachel's neck, inhaling deeply. "I've gotta talk to Monica. I just don't think this is the best spot for it."

"What..." Rachel bit her lip. "What are you going to do?"

"Well... if it's mine, whatever I can, whatever Monica will let me do. If it's not, I guess I'll just be... Weird Uncle Chandler."

Chandler raised her hand to his lips. "I gotta admit, this is easier to handle when I'm not terrified that I'm losing you."

"I was so scared that..." she broke off.

"So scared that what?" he asked, brushing his lips over her neck.

"So scared that you'd go back to her, I guess. I mean, you guys have so much history, you know, and the baby..."

"Rachel..." Chandler laughed, sending warm breath down her neck and shivers down her spine. "I'm not going anywhere."

He slid her bridesmaid's dress off her shoulder, trailing kisses down her arm. Rachel laughed even as she felt her knees turn to jello.

"Ch-Chandler? Probably... p-probably not the most appropriate place to be doing this..."

"You know what I'm really sick of, though?" he whispered against her skin. "Not doing this."

"Yeah... me too," she whispered back. "But we... we should definitely go back in."

"Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"If it's mine... what are *you* going to do?"

"I don't know, Chandler. This is already so, so weird. And this... this is like weird on crack."

"Worth it kind of weird?"

"I think so." she traced his lips with a finger.