Two days later
She found him in the cloisters. He sat on one of the stone benches in the back, surrounded by ivy and crumbling stone. His hands were folded over his lap, his arms lying on his legs. She glanced at his feet, and despite the weight of the atmosphere, smiled at the fact that his feet were turned in, like a child's. He had donned a new sweater and shirt. Despite their time in the jungle, he looked clean and relaxed. But his clean and neat exterior, she could sense the turmoil he was going through.
Not that she completely understood the turmoil nor could even begin to guess to what it was in response. She knew why she would be upset; she knew better than to transfer her very human feelings of possible regret and possible love to him. As Illiana had said, after all, she thought, he was a Time Lord. A very large part of her wanted to just leave him be, but the TARDIS was hovering in the vortex, Turlough was bored and she had no Earthly idea what was going on anymore. It was time to deal with the problem directly, she supposed. And there was no time like the present.
"We've missed you these last two days," she said with a forced neutral voice, echoing his words from an age ago.
He looked up, startled, his lips open and his eyes wide. He looked like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar.
"And well, I haven't heard any large furniture moving or any forced whistling in the corridors, nor have I heard any arguments about having to start chores somewhere" she tried to joke. When he only shifted his weight and continued to stare at her without a smile, she sighed. "I am making an effort, you know."
"Ah, well" he replied with a shrug. "I'm not quite sure I'm up to making one."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, her voice hard with a catch.
He shook his head. "Not what you think, Tegan. I suppose you wish to talk."
"I do."
"And I'm not quite sure I'm ready, but there's no time like the present," he moved aside the tails of his frock coat and patted the bench. "Come join me."
She frowned and walked forward towards the bench. He had chosen one with sides and she comfortably sat, half-facing him. When she was settled, he shifted to face her as well, his legs crossing.
The silence effected her and she blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Where do you have the TARDIS pointed now?"
"Nowhere. We're in a holding pattern, so to speak. I'll have to adjust the path soon; we'll have to make a decision."
"That sounds serious," she commented. Then she crossed her arms over her chest. "But then again most things in being around you are simply because we take on the End of the Universe every time we walk out of the TARDIS."
He nodded, throwing her a chastising look as he rubbed his thighs. "Yes, wellit is serious."
"It's about Haldian, isn't it?"
"In more ways than one, yes," he replied. Then he jumped up and paced back and forth in front of the bench. His coat tails nearly swept her legs as he walked by. He twisted at the end of one of his laps and faced her. He slipped his hands into his trouser pockets and contemplated her with what she felt was a penetrating gaze. His eyes were nearly gray in that light. And for the first time in three days, she wanted her ability to see auras back. It might have given her a clue.
"Is it about"
"Our night in the jungle?" he asked, his voice catching on the final syllable. He bent a little at his waist and continued to hold her gaze.
She nodded and held her hands up as if warding off evil. "You said distance was needed to discuss it rationally and we have had some distance."
"Yes," he responded quietly. Then after a deep breath, he repeated the word.
She wet her lips and studying him. A large part of her wanted to weep, but she simply said: "You regret it."
The Doctor sighed and she could tell that he was very worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. "I regret that it was in a jungle, Tegan, for one. It really would have been much more comfortable in a bed, don't you think?"
"Is that all?" she replied quietly and quickly, heated. The question was weighted, heavy with meaning. She was surprised to hear it in her voice.
He glanced about for another seat and collapsed back on the stone bench across from her. "Yes, well, Tegan, I was quiteliberal."
Her shaky breath must have affected him because he sat forwards to extend a hand to calm her. "Hear me out, Tegan."
"Was what Haldian said about you true?"
"To an extent, yes," he responded.
Tegan frowned and began to rise, but he reached out to catch her hand. "Bloody well make the point, Doctor," she warned. "I don't much appreciate dancing around a bush."
He rocked forward. He looked uneasy, but he swallowed and seemed to gather inner strength. "Fine, as you wish. What Haldian said to you on the street was true. What he said in the cavern was mostly true."
"You wanted me back. You wanted me"
"Physically, yes," he helped. He smiled suddenly, a teasing wide smile. "Terran women are known the galaxy over for their feminine intuition. Didn't you have an idea when we were dancing?"
Tegan continued to frown. "It wasn't as though we were smack against one another"
His smile vanished. "No, I suppose not. But needless to say: Haldian was correct in saying I wanted you." He cleared his throat and rubbed his neck.
"And that you were manipulating me because you knew that"
"That humans equate sexual interaction with responsibility of relationship in some form? That you would think that we were in some sort of romantic entanglement?" He frowned, but held her hand more tightly. "Do you think that, Tegan?"
"No, I don't think so; I don't know but I'm not quite sure that you didn't"
He pulled his hand back from hers and leaped up to pace away from her. "Wasn't it you that said that our friendship had to go somewhere? You were correct that we can't go back and change what has happened between us. Our friendship had to evolve or devolve."
"Well yes"
He faced her. "Manipulation didn't cross my mind, Tegan. I don't think it crossed yours either, did it?"
"Well, no" she sighed.
"I'm not used to this" The Doctor's sigh was loud. "Romantic entanglements are the ultimate in intervention, Tegan. Have I ever mentioned that?"
Her smile was ironic. "I don't believe you have. But then again, how often do our conversations involve anything other than explaining later, running for the TARDIS and being asked to be quiet?"
"Yes, well" he returned, lowering his head. Then he lifted his hands to count off points on his fingers. "There is a measure of affection between us, yes? Yes. Our friendship was in the process of changing, on my behalf as well as yours, yes? Yes."
"Was it?"
"Changing on my behalf. Of course it was, Tegan," he answered his voice haughty. "I did.yes, umask you to stay. And I did, quite willingly, agree to have intercourse. Of course it was changing. How do you feel about all of this"
"What?" He had switched directions in the conversation so quickly that she felt her head begin to spin.
He nodded, waving his hand in the air as if trying to force the answer from her. "Our.our friendship"
She frowned. It seemed as though the Doctor's thoughts were jumbled. When she didn't answer immediately, he leaned further forward. "Well, Tegan?"
"I enjoyed it. It seemed a natural progression, but then again, I'm only speaking from a human's point of view," she admitted with a splash of sarcasm. "I don't regret it"
"Well then, that's settled isn't it?" he pressed.
"Is it, I wonder," Tegan replied. She was right: his thoughts were either completely jumbled or so far ahead of her that she couldn't see his logic flow.
"Have you missed something?" the Doctor asked worried.
Tegan shook her head tiredly. "Well, I can't bloody well keep up with your mind and reading it is very much out of the question. But answer me something, please?"
"All right. If I can."
"Why did you agree toshag?"
He walked forward to stand very near her. His face was thoughtful and his demeanor calm. "You're worried it was from the change in my mind? The ability to feel attraction to you soso strongly was from Haldian's change to my brain chemistry, yes. The affection and caring I have for you is my own. It was there before; it is there now. It seemed a natural act at the time, a natural progression as you say. Or at least normal in a large proportion of the galaxy's cultures."
She nodded; that satisfied some of her questions. "Will it happen again?"
"I don't know," he said, serious and thoughtful. "Do you want it to?"
"Possibly, yes," she admitted, raising her chin to look at him defiantly. "I don't know. Do you?"
"Possibly, yes," he replied, his eyes avoiding hers. "I don't know if it can or if it will, Tegan. Honestly, I don't know."
He nodded, and then shoved his hands deeply into his pockets. "Do you want to go home, Tegan?"
"What?! No," she replied. She hadn't thought of going home. Something had changed. "I don't fearwhat I did about youthe warehouse No. No, I don't want to go home. Not right now"
Again, he nodded. "Good, very good. Excellent, in fact. That was, of course, the next question I was going to ask you. That question was what made this conversation serious. Based on our new understanding in our friendship, the things that happened, your"
She suddenly remembered his face above hers when she had come awake on the floor of Illiana's ship. He had been shaken, upset, slightly unhinged. His hands had shook from that time until they had entered the TARDIS and he had shut the door. "Are we back to that again? I'm fine, Doc. Indestructible, remember? I'm alive, I'm breathing"
"You had to be saved by a soul bridge. That's something I neither have the ability nor knowledge to do. If Illiana hadn't been there, you wouldn't have lived," he continued gruffly. "And you're quite within your rights, despite any understanding that we have or haven't come to, to request to go home because of that, Tegan."
"Only because of that?" she joked and then continued, quieter. " And if we hadn't bumped into Illiana, none of this would have occurred in the first place. The soul bridge wouldn't have been needed. I'm fine. And as for my earlier argument about not understanding you any longer"
"Yes?" he asked, curious.
"I don't think I ever will," she responded, glumly. "But I have come to terms with it, somewhat."
She shook her head. She was more confused now than she had been before she talked with him. She was sure he had revealed some things, but it was all hidden and jumbled and made her head ache. With a rub to her brow, she sighed. He clapped her on the shoulder, his hand lingering. "Well nowwhere shall we go next?" he asked, suddenly full of energy.
"Somewhere relaxing. And you aren't allowed to walk out the door of the TARDIS until we know the End of the Universe isn't going to happen," she replied. She turned, and started to walk away. She stopped when his hand reached out to wrap around her wrist and slid down to catch her hand. He fell into step along side of her. This action, more than his words, alerted her that something had indeed changed between them. He was showing her he cared.
"Would it help if I promised that would be the case?" he offered with a wry smile.
"You have a very poor track record for your promises, lad," she replied.
His smile widened and they made their way through the corridors. She felt that something different had changed between them. She knew there was more that he wasn't telling her, that he probably couldn't tell her. The warehouse seemed very far away, for the first time in two weeks, and she felt relaxed and close to him once more.
"Have a little faith, Tegan," he admonished, his stride taking him a little in front of her.
I do, she thought suddenly. I do have faith, but in what, I don't know. But she knew she had faith in him again. And that was enough. She quickened her pace, feeling his fingers interlace with hers. Together, hand in hand, they strolled for the console room.
