Chapter 4: Web of Lies

Nan and the General sat in the cafeteria in companionable silence. Grievous read a book about the history of the Republic, which had started to interest him from a military point of view. Nan read the latest issue of JUCS, The Journal of the Universal Chemical Society. Nan liked to read with snacks at hand so she had a pile of large, brown pods that contained starchy purple beans. The pods were quite tough to open and occasionally she poked Grievous with one that was too formidable and he cracked it for her. Once, when she did so, the General opened the pod and a sticky white substance squirted out. A large, writhing yellow larva was also revealed, wriggling its red limbs in the air.

"Jackpot," said Nan, and swallowed it down, then licked up the white substance from the pod.

"Disgusting," said the General.

"Oh, my lunch is even more disgusting."

She took out a haggis, probably called something else in the Star Wars universe but still basically sheep lungs, heart, and liver encased in sheep stomach. Nan split open the stomach and let the offal fall out. She dug into it with pleasure for the simple things in life. Grievous patted her on the back of the head.

"You don't seem to have a hole in your head…"

"Duh, they patched it up."

"Except you do still have a hole in your head."

"Ha, ha."

He continued to stroke her head and Nan thought it felt really nice, though she knew he was just wiping the rest of the white substance off on her fur. But wait, was that all? He crushed her face into her meat pudding. That didn't make it taste any worse, but Nan still did put "get revenge" at the back of her to-do list. Actually, since she wasn't so great at doing her job, it would probably creep to the front of her to-do list.

"Just remember that I want my money back," said Grievous.

Nan gave a long, drawn-out sigh. He was being such a pain about this money issue. It had only been fourteen hours since he lent her 10,656 credits and he felt anxious about it instantly. Grievous was pretty well off, something that even Count Dooku probably didn't know. The General was very shrewd with respect to money matters and had amassed a significant fortune, which didn't make him less miserly. He knew how to manage investments and had also obtained some of his funds by less traditional routes.

He didn't like to lend money to anybody but at least with Nan, he got to say, "I told you so." Nan had not even noticed that she hadn't gotten a single paycheck since she started working for the military until she needed expensive parts for the second prototype of the Force-blocking machine. Along with the form that proved she was working for the military, Nan had not filled out her payroll forms. Also, she was supposed to write a proposal for her research grant and she hadn't gotten that done either. Grievous reluctantly lent her the money.

"By the way," he said, "tomorrow is that event I was talking about, the welcoming banquet for Admiral Trench. See if you can find something less tacky than that jacket or don't go at all."

"My jacket is vintage. What are you going to wear? Oh, let me guess, a black cloak that hasn't yet been burned or slashed to bits."

"For your information, I will wear a red cloak. Anyway, I hate these formal events. They're a lousy waste of time. Everybody just brags about their military accomplishments and gets drunk."

"And you can do neither of those."

"That's it, guinea pig!"

They hadn't been planning to practice fighting that day, but fights can happen unexpectedly. Grievous swept the table to the side. Nan jumped, landing on a cart. They whipped out their lightsabers (two for the General and one for Nan) and parried blows, but Nan had not been wise in jumping onto the cart. Grievous kicked it hard and sent it crashing into the wall. Nan was thrown off, along with a bunch of cutlery, and landed with a clatter. She nearly got impaled on the knives. The General drove a lightsaber into the floor a centimeter from her head. She rolled and tried to block the blows with her blade, but she was quite obviously at a disadvantage and would have been dead if it was a real battle. Instead, Grievous stuffed her into a garbage can and dumped the remains of her haggis on her head.

"Get revenge times a million," added Nan to her to-do list.

"You're still making rookie mistakes," said the General after she climbed out. "I think I need to get Yoda to teach you some fancy moves."

"Are you going to kidnap him just for that?"

"I wish, but for now you'll have to make do with a hologram. By the way, you've got garbage, I mean your lunch, stuck to the back of your head."

He laughed, then coughed. Nan remarked that he needed to get his air filters changed and wiped the food off with some paper towels. They left the cafeteria and he found some security footage of Yoda that he rigged up to play on the level of the floor. He could not do the crazy backflips and somersaults so Nan tried to copy Yoda's technique from the hologram. Yoda was small, like her, but his skill was so much greater that Nan could not really follow. Grievous paused Yoda at certain points and explained what was happening to Nan, who tried to copy. So passed several hours.

The next day, a lot of servant droids arrived on the Despair as well as cooks, butlers, musicians and everybody else needed for a lavish banquet. One of the large dining halls was fixed up and looked festive. Count Dooku arrived to supervise and converse with early guests. Grievous and Nan kept to the bridge as long as possible. Nan had not found something other than the maroon jacket; in fact, she wore it as a tiny fraction of her revenge against the General. She also donned a bright yellow bowtie. He gave her a look that spoke volumes but did not comment on the accessory. They watched ships arriving at the hangar.

"How did you come up with the nickname Dr. Specious?" Asked Grievous randomly.

"All the good evil nicknames[1] were taken. You do know what it means, don't you?"

"I'm not stupid!"

"I never said you were stupid."

"You've said that at least 25 times, not including insults like, 'blockhead,' 'dumbass,' 'lead for brains,' and, 'three functions short of a four-function calculator.'"

"Whatever. I called myself Dr. Specious because, you know, life, the universe, everything, is specious. It looks okay from a distance but when you get closer you see that it has no real merit and is in fact just a huge, stinking shithole."

The General had learned not take Nan's pronouncements of world-encompassing disillusionment too seriously, because five minutes later she could often be found eating a beetle with a look of heavenly abandonment on her face.

"And Nancy?" He asked.

"What?"

"I mean, where did the name Nancy come from?"

"I had a computer spit out a random name for me.[2] What about you? What's your real name?"

"This is my real name. It's just translated from another language."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not so bad."

"I thought your real name was something like Robert or George."

"Do I look like a fucking Robert or George?"

"Do you really want me to say what I think you look like?"

Count Dooku called the General down and they went downstairs. Dooku greeted Nan pleasantly but gave Grievous an annoyed look.

"Do try to act like a civilized person, won't you?" He said.

"You could just stop inviting me to these events."

"How can I not invite my top military general? Oh, there is Admiral Trench. Go and say hello to him and then you can lurk discreetly all evening."

Nan paused before entering the dining room to sniff the air. "I smell…" she said before she determined just what she smelled.

"Yeah, you sure do," said Grievous. "Take a bath already."

They went in. Admiral Trench was a giant, furry spider. Nan goggled at him like he was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. He was talking to some other people when they approached and Grievous kicked Nan to make her stop staring.

"What's with you?" He asked.

"He smells so good."

"What a creepy thing to say."

"He smells like dinner."

"Oh, you want to eat him? That actually makes it less creepy. But you can't."

They approached the Admiral and introduced themselves, though Admiral Trench knew Grievous by sight. He rambled on for a bit about how he'd escaped death and was back to bring glory to the Separatists. Then he started discussing a recent battle Grievous had lost on a planet they had wanted to take over. Nan tried not to sniff too obtrusively, but this Admiral Trench was a freaking giant spider and could feed a family of five for a month!

"If I were you, General," said Trench, "I wouldn't have deployed all my forces at once like you did. The terrain was perfect for those clones to hide and sneak up on droids. Perhaps if you had not spread them thin you would have stood a chance. Ah well, at least you escaped. That's got to count for something."

They drifted apart as new people arrived to congratulate the Admiral.

"On second thought, you can eat him," said Grievous.

Nan smelled all kinds of goodies and he left her to it, retreating to a table in the back like Dooku had suggested. He should not have left Nan to her own devices. At first she just perused the buffet but as the party continued, people started playing poker. Nan heard the clacking of chips and a desire that usually lay dormant in her was wakened. After a shot of whiskey, she felt like indulging in one of her favorite pastimes even more. She sidled up to the poker players and joined without a thought for the future.

Grievous left early, unable to find Nan in the hubbub and not expecting to find her at a poker table. The party lasted well past midnight. Few could remember what it had been for by then. Admiral Trench was taken away on a stretcher after he got up on a table to toast Dooku and fell off, too drunk to use any of his eight legs to break the fall.

Nan woke up in her cabin much later with a huge hangover and dim recollections of the previous night. After coffee and more coffee, she went to her lab and aimlessly started working on a mini-project, a mini-droid actually, in the shape of a fly. She thought it could be used to spy on people if she ever got it done. She analyzed the circuitry for a bit but all that time something kept nagging at the back of her mind. She suddenly remembered when Grievous showed up, smug because he didn't have a hangover.

"Are you ready to practice some more Yoda moves?" He asked maliciously.

Nan groaned, but not because she dreaded the thought of practicing fighting in her condition. She remembered what happened last night, how she had won at first, but then lost oh so badly. During her winning streak, she had dashed to her cabin and taken all the money she had—the General's money. She lost all of it to some commander. What was she to do now? Grievous would skin her if he found out! Nan decided she had to lie to save face.

"I'm kind of busy right now," she said.

"I thought so, I thought so."

Chuckling, he went off. Nan grabbed her computer and started looking through all her payroll forms and grant applications. She had filled them out but it was going to be a week before her first paycheck, and that was less than the money she lost. It would take three paychecks to pay back the General, but in the meantime she needed those supplies for the machine. Nan racked her brains for a solution. One came to her, but it was risky. It was possible that her old lab at S3F had some of the supplies, and she was proficient at nicking things from other labs to get the rest. The problem was getting to S3F again. Nan didn't know how to fly a ship[3] and the droids would not take her down without orders from Grievous.

She would have to lie to him, then. She waited a few days to make it seem less suspicious, then approached him with her false story.

"Hey G, what's up?" She said, and not waiting for him to reply, continued, "So listen, I was just thinking about cool research projects and I remembered some of the stuff I left behind. There was this machine that can let you enter people's dreams. Wouldn't it be funny to mess around with people's heads like that? We could make Count Dooku dream that he's making out with Kenobi or something."

Grievous laughed and agreed that would be hilarious. Nan suggested they go get the machine and some of her other prototypes.

"Didn't some guy take over your lab, though?" Asked the General.

"He took over the space, yes, but I suspect my stuff was moved to storage. Come on, it'll be exciting. You can scare the undergrads."

He agreed and they took a ship to Taia the next day. Nan was very nervous because Grievous knew a fair amount about electronics and would become suspicious if he saw her taking various spare parts. She had to get rid of him once they were at S3F, somehow. He wanted to see her old lab so it would be difficult.

They arrived at the facility and Nan took Grievous on a tour. After all their lessons, he was interested in everything and asked dozens of questions about the devices and research. At any other time, Nan would have been proud that he could understand most of her explanations and happy that she had someone to talk to about science, but this was not that time. She showed him the NMR machines, the particle accelerator, the menagerie of poisonous animals, and finally got to her lab. Kevin Nickells was surprised to see her and paled at meeting the General.

"Was all my old stuff put in storage?" Asked Nan.

Kevin said this was so and gave her the room number of the storage unit. Grievous said he'd help carry stuff. Nan looked around for some inspiration and noticed Kate Shuskey in a lab working with cell cultures. She went in to say hello. Kate had branched out from her original project and was developing brain control parasites. Grievous was intrigued and Kate showed him some parasites under the microscope.

"Didn't you say you have to be back by 4 PM?" Asked Nan.

"Oh yes, I'm expecting a conference call," said Grievous.

"We only have an hour left. Why don't you stay here and I'll get the droids to move the stuff? Explaining her research is good practice for Kate."

Kate was actually really uncomfortable around a deadly creature like Grievous and wanted anything but that. Grievous noticed and liked the idea of scaring her shitless so he agreed. Nan called the droids that had followed them and they went to the storage unit. Nan ordered them to load her old machines onto carts and hid things she would need for her new machine among the crap. There were a few parts missing but Nan hacked into the inventory and pulled up everything that was kept in the storage facility. She cracked the codes on the other units and soon had everything she needed. She went to the ship and had the droids load everything up.

Just before they had to leave, Kevin came over (apparently he'd decided to grow some balls and overcome his fear of the General) and asked if Nan wanted to see what he'd done with her old chemistry lab. She'd also had space in the shared biology lab, but that got destroyed by the giant hydra. They all went to Kevin's/Nan's old lab and looked at the new hoods he'd installed. On the way in, Grievous absentmindedly pushed a molecular model of the diamond unit cell that hung from the ceiling. It swung back and forth.

"I kept most of your old signs," Kevin said.

He pointed out some admonitions that Nan had posted all over the lab to keep people in line. This one was over the secondary trap on the rotovap: "If you don't empty the trap, you will be forced to drink the contents." This one was above the balance: "Clean up if you spill stuff, cocksuckers!" Above the light switch it said: "Anybody can, everybody should, turn off the fucking light!"

"What does this one mean?" Asked Grievous, pointing at a small sign stuck onto a drawer that contained reflux condensers. It said: "If I see any naked necks I'll wring your neck."

"That's to remind people to put Keck clips onto the necks of condensers fitted into flasks," said Nan. "I've seen too much shit blow out because the necks were not attached well enough."

As they were leaving, the diamond unit cell fell on Grievous. It had sharp edges. He yelled, "Ow, my eye! Why would anybody hang something so sharp from the ceiling?"[4]

"A lab full of toxic chemicals and he hurts himself with a molecular model," said Nan.

They concluded the tour and flew back to their base. Nan thought that was that and got to work on her machine. Grievous left on a mission for a few days and Nan didn't think much of it until she saw how he looked at her when he got back. She went to meet him in the hangar, expecting him to be glad to see her. She knew that he knew somehow before he even said it and she started backing away. She hadn't felt frightened in a long, long time. The General stalked closer until she was backed against some fuel barrels.

"I met a certain Commander Drichal during this mission. Does the name sound familiar to you, or do you not even remember the person to whom you lost my money, being, as you were, inebriated and high on stupidity?"

"Um…"

"Don't start! This Commander was bragging to everybody about the great winning streak he'd had at the banquet. I wouldn't have paid attention, except he mentioned that he'd totally cleaned out some monkey in a yellow bowtie. Naturally I wanted to know more and now I know everything."

"Well…"

"How could you do such a thing? I trusted you with something that is important to me! You do not just take another person's property and lose it to some worthless thug during a game. It's ridiculous that a clever thing like you should have such a vice. I thought you were better than this. To add insult to injury, you tricked me during that trip to Taia. Instead of admitting your mistake, you lied to me over and over. How can I trust you after this? How can I trust anybody?"

"You don't understand! Gambling is an addiction! I can't help it. When I see cards or roulette or races, I have to gamble or bet. It's some flaw in my chemistry."

"I know what sort of flaw it is! It's a lack of self-discipline."

"I used to gamble my money away all the time at S3F. We'd bet on frog races and Dr. Palvov's dog fights and I wouldn't have money to pay my rent or feed myself. I'd live and eat out of the garbage until my next paycheck."

"I don't care about your miserable gambling history. What matters to me is that you gambled away my money, not your own. You really should have had some restraint. You shouldn't have been drinking."

"Oh, come on, it's only 10K. It's just money. What are you going to do with all of it anyway? You're going to be Count Dooku's butler after the war."

"Nan, you should be apologizing."

He sounded pretty damn self-righteous and Nan's temper flared up. She didn't like feeling frightened. It was unusual and made her also feel sick and weak. Anger was quick to follow.

"Stop telling me what to do! I'll get your lousy money back somehow and you can choke on it!"

"Fine! Don't talk to me until you have it!"

He stomped off and Nan sat down against the fuel barrels. Why had she just done that instead of apologizing? He was right, she should have just acknowledged her mistake. It would have been better. They could be friends again. But…but maybe she didn't want that? Over the next few days, Nan tried to puzzle out her strange reactions. It all came down to fear. Nan had been scared when the General yelled at her and she did not like that feeling. It was something she had avoided all these years by an efficient, overwhelming lack of concern. At S3F, she hadn't cared about pain, starvation, discomfort, or death. Now, she was not even sure why she had been scared of the General. She hadn't been scared of him before, when he was threatening to kill her. It was all unpleasant and confusing.

They avoided each other for several days until Grievous got called away to some battle. It dragged on. Nan tried to find out what was happening but the battle was close to a nebula with electrical storms. Nan did not have the authority to move the Despair to get better transmission. She started to feel incredibly wretched. Food did not interest her anymore. She wandered back and forth, weakly greeting droids that patrolled the halls. She finally called Count Dooku to find out how the battle was going, only to find out that he had joined it too from his secretary. Nan did not call anyone else, though she could have. Instead she went up to the bridge and lay down in General Grievous' chair like an animal too sick to move.

Grievous was very angry at her and took it out on the enemy soldiers until he realized the battle was not going their way. He bailed. After a long tongue-lashing from Dooku, he returned to the base feeling that war was overrated and that he was almost ready to forgive Nan. He did not find her in her cabin or lab and asked the computer to give her location. He went up to the bridge and found her emaciated and feverish.

"Why didn't any of you stupid droids call a doctor?" He asked.

"She didn't ask for one," said a droid.

Grievous grabbed it by the feet and whacked it to pieces against the floor. The noise woke Nan, who smiled weakly.

"Still breaking droids, aren't you?" She whispered.

"After the 20,000 I already lost in the battle, one more won't be missed."

"You're such a crappy general."

"What happened to you? Did you finally eat a poisonous bug?"

"No, I just thought that you'd died still angry at me. I'm sorry. I was scared…"

"Stop talking, you need rest and nutrients."

"I have to tell you…I was scared that you were mad at me and I don't like being scared. If having a friend means being scared of him and for him sometimes, is it worth it?"

"Nan, I'm one of the biggest cowards this side of the galaxy. Ask anybody, they'll vouch for that! And trust me, it's not so bad. Besides, fear can make you clear-headed and aware of the bigger picture."

He picked her up, oddly touched to find that she was lying on his red cloak, and took her to the medical ward. The droids hooked her up to an IV but she wouldn't settle down until Grievous said he forgave her.

"It's not like I didn't get my money back from Commander Drichal," he said. "When he learned that you used my money, he became reasonably worried. He won't ever be gambling again."

Almost asleep, Nan murmured, "But G, I wasn't the only person he won money from."

"I know. I got a nice return on my investment."

Nan slept for a few days under the calming influence of IV nutrients and drugs. Then she woke up with an empty stomach and crept out of the medical ward to her stash of honeyed cockroaches. Good as the taste was, she threw it all up and went back to the medical ward for a bit. Finally she was all better and ran off to find her friend, who was pacing the bridge.

"I'm back!" She yelled.

"Get over yourself," said Grievous.

Nan grinned and he winked at her. She sat down on her bucket, which was in the usual corner, only she crashed through the bottom and ended up with her ass stuck in it. Grievous chuckled, not hiding his guilt. He had punched out the bucket's metal bottom and replaced it with paper.

"You fell for it," he said.

"How could you pull such a prank on me?" Asked Nan. "I'm convalescent."

"I saw you wolfing down a hamburger on camera. You're perfectly fine."

Nan jumped onto the back of his chair and he called up a video on the monitor.

"Check this out," he said. "While you were sick, I was busy. I finished building your little fly droid and got it to work. Here is a strategy talk led by Count Dooku that I had to attend."

He showed a conference room with Dooku presiding. Admiral Trench sat in the front row. Grievous pointed out a fly looping around behind Dooku's head. It was the droid. Admiral Trench followed it with his many eyes. Finally he could take it no longer and shot web at the fly, but obviously hit Count Dooku instead.

"Fool! Imbecile! Get this stuff off me!" Yelled Dooku.

Nan laughed uproariously and complimented Grievous on operating the fly so well.

"It's a shame I can't do it again," said the General. "I'm sure our arachnid friend would have fallen for it a second time, but he got half his body blown off by Skywalker."[5]

He showed her a photo of all that was left of Admiral Trench. The Separatist doctors had not given up on him yet and were building him mechanical arms and legs and stuff. Grievous pointed out one of the doctors in the photo and said this was the guy who'd patched him up after the star ship explosion that claimed just about his entire body.

"I think he did a pretty neat job with me," said Grievous.

"I could have done better," said Nan. "I would have built you wings."

"But do you see what I need all that money for? I can't live off and in garbage like you. This metal shell of mine needs a lot of maintenance and equipment that is expensive."

"And yet you still can't get your air filters changed."

"Regardless, I don't know where I'll be after the war. If the Separatists win, hopefully I really can become Dooku's butler, and you his court jester. If not, everything will be uncertain."

"Fine, I get it. Again, I'm sorry about lying and gambling.[6] Hey, if half of Admiral Trench got blown off, do you think there might still be an arm or leg floating around in space?"

"I wouldn't bet on it."

Footnotes

[1] An obvious oxymoron!

[2] Actually, she is named after a professor I had in undergrad.

[3] Grievous tried to teach her, but he found it too stressful when Nan somehow managed to block the box in outer-freaking-space.

[4] Did you catch the reference to the Sword of Damocles?

[5] If any of you recall, Admiral Trench was defeated by Skywalker flying the Republic's new stealth ship, yet that ship was never seen again in the show. Count Dooku asked Nan to come up with a solution for beating it and she had a practical idea. The best way to catch an invisible ship is to make it visible, so she synthesized a paint that could withstand the conditions of space. Several Separatist ships shot the paint all over the place when the stealth ship attacked and the paint stuck to it. Though the ship survived, the Republic could not get the paint off. It even started to corrode the fuselage.

[6] But she wasn't done borrowing money. Just a few days later she was with the General on a Separatist-occupied planet, watching him drill droids, when she got hungry and decided to go to a restaurant. She was still broke. She put on a cute face and asked Grievous, "Do you have change for zero credits?"