Are We Crazy Yet?


Please Read and Review. I'd like to know what I'm doing right (to keep doing it), and what I am doing wrong (to correct it).


"I give up, Jane." Daria Morgendorffer threw her hands up in the air in frustration. She closed her laptop and made a ball of paper, throwing it into the bin next to her friend and confident. She laid down on the bed, face up, and laced her fingers over her stomach. Her head hanging down over the mattress edge so she could watch Jane working.

"What's the matter, Daria?" The artist interrupted the positioning of a single sequin on a gummy bear, looking at the frustrated face of her bestie for a moment, before continuing her work.

"Hnnf… I just finished my budget projection for college, and it doesn't look good. The student loans will kill my credit rating long before I finish, and I still need to find a place that's dirt cheap, close to college and easy to commute. So far, I have found places that go one out of three. Two of three would be progress. And the only jobs available are the kind of jobs that would hire Quinn over me, or sales."

"Yeah, I don't think you'd go nuts over one of those." Jane commented, only to backtrack immediately at being subject to Daria's annihilation gaze. "Sorry! Sorry!" Even upside down, she had a scary gaze.

Right then, Jane's brother, well, the only one of her big family who consistently lived at Chez Lane, opened the door, walked directly to Jane's mini fridge, and extracted a soda can. He drank the whole soda in a couple of long gulps, and threw the empty can into the bin. Then, gradually, he woke up, or maybe rebooted. "Hey, Jane. Hey, Daria. How are things with college?"

"I got an scholarship in art, but Daria got upstaged."

"I accept my honorable defeat by a worthy opponent." She groaned, still letting her head hang down the edge of Jane's bed.

"Yup, and she's angsting over her future living space." She adjusted the sequin by a fraction of an inch, "Or lack of."

"We are still paying for that helicopter ride back into civilization. Money is very, very tight."

"Oh, I see." Trent commented. "Let me check with a friend. I'll see if they have something available." He went out the room before any of the girls could say anything. For a very relaxed and slow dude, he could be deceivingly quick.

He returned an hour later, paper in hand. "Hey, Daria. They have the space if you want it. But I think it will be better if I get you there myself. It's close to college, but the route is not obvious."

"Say, oh brother of mine. What kind of cheap apartments/roach hotel/death trap are you trying to put my friend into?"

"Not too cheap. Very upscale, actually. The owners are a bit eccentric, but good people. They got Max out of a very thorny family problem I can't really talk about. Jesse's brother just graduated, and there's a room available. Here's the address. I know how to get there, but can't remember the street names."

Daría took the paper and read the address. "0001 Cemetery Lane? Really? Is that even a real address?"

"Yeah, it's right next to the cemetery. They own it too, we got to shoot a short film there for a Mystyc Spyral video, nice ambience."

Daria and Jane exchanged a look, Daria opened her mouth, but Jane spoke first. "Sorry, no can do, kemo sabay. I have to finish this baby for my course."

"Coward." Daria smirked. She turned to Trent. "Are you sure these people are on the level?"

"Very sure. Be ready at…" he thought about it for a few seconds. "Know what? Just come over here and wake me up whenever you're ready."

"Uh, sure."

"Just one thing, Daria. Go with the flow. That's the main thing, go with the flow."


The Next Day

They arrived to the place with no problems, and it was a Place. Memorable was the first word that came to Daria's mind. Decrepit was the second. The lawn was completely dead, the few trees were completely devoid of leaves. The house itself was old, with three main levels, plus a kind of tower in a corner, with one additional level. The design was almost Victorian, but the peeling paint and missing boards really made the place look like a derelict.

"Wow…" Daria whistled softly. "I don't know if it looks like it was decorated by Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft. Are you sure that place is not haunted?"

"It is haunted, just talk to the ghosts a bit. They are cool, but will talk your ear off if you don't set boundaries fast."

Not knowing if her friend was joking or not, Daria stared at Trent for a moment, before exiting the ruinous car. The fence was made of wrought iron, with decidedly hostile looking spikes on top. Somehow, as they got close enough to reach the door, it opened by itself with a series of clanks. Trent beckoned Daria to follow him to the house door. Once she had passed the fence, the door closed by itself, closing locks almost too fast to be real. Trent kept on walking, unfazed by the noise. Daria thought it was the kind of sound a prison door should make.

The porche was in serious disrepair, and the plants in pots looked very dead. Trent pulled the ring cord a good yard, released it, and the thing disappeared into the door frame almost like a snake. A loud noise reverberated all around. "Is that an actual fog horn?" Daria asked.

"No, just the ring bell."

A moment later, the door opened on creaking hinges. Daria looked inside, only to see the bottom of a white shirt. She looked up, and up, and up, there was a black bow tie, a mouth twisted in a grimace, and finally, she met the eyes of a grotesquely tall and cadaverous-looking man. His deep voice growled in greeting, "You… rang..?"

"Hello, Lurch." Trent greeted the giant. "Mr Addams is expecting us."

The butler nodded gravely, moaning a disconcerting "UUUHHHH…." He stepped back, and his big hands twitched. He looked disappointed at the pair's heads, and allowed them to enter. "Waaait… heeeeere…"

Daria waited for the giant to leave the room. "Is that guy for real?" She whispered.

"He is. Lurch is the Addams' butler. Nice guy, bit shy, plays a mean keyboard after dinner. Very classical."

Daria nodded, unconvinced;she looked around, taking in the details of the expansive and very… eclectic room, "This looks like a museum, Trent." Slowly, she descended the steps into the living room, Trent pulled her back, almost making her fall. "Hey!"

"Don't step on the rug, Daria. It doesn't like it."

Mimicking Trent, Daría stepped over the pelt on the floor, once safely down at the lower level, she looked down, "A polar bear skin?"

"My grandmother got him back in 1925!" An enthusiastic voice answered. It was a curious looking man. He wore a pinstriped suit, his hair was neatly combed with some ointment, had a carefully cut pencil moustache, deep set eyes that shone with curiosity over decidedly dark bags, and smoke a thick cigar. "Welcome to my humble abode, Miss Morgendorffer! Allow me to introduce myself, Gomez Addams, at your service!" He bowed to Daria, and when he stood straight again, turned to her friend.

"Trent, my dear man!" He shook Trent's hand with bone-shaking enthusiasm. "How have you been? We missed you in out last hunting trip to Africa!"

"Glad to see you, Gomez. I had a previous commitment those days. Mystyc Spyral had a paying gig the day you left."

Gómez took the cigar out of his mouth, and in a swift movement, put it into his great pocket, lit end first. "Ah! Right, right! A compromise is a compromise! Well, don't stay there, take a seat. Morticia will come down in a moment."

Trent pushed a chair behind Daria, a very comfy black leather chair. She sat down, a bit surprised by the chivalry. Trent sat then on a stool that looked exactly like an elephant's leg, but colored pink and purple. Gómez grabbed a… was that a hangman noose hanging from the ceiling? Automatically, Daria examined the knot, it was really a hangman noose, the knot had the legendary thirteen coils. Their host pulled down at the knot, and an earth-shaking gong shook the whole house.

Lurch appeared from just outside the room, as if the big man had been waiting there. He had a tray in his hands, with a steaming teapot and several porcelain cups. "You… raaang?"

"Yes, Lurch, tea service for four, please."

Lurch groaned as he set the tray on a table. "The tea… is served…"

"Thank you, Lurch, that will be all for now."

With a ponderous groan, Lurch left the room.

A tall woman with a strange black dress waddled delicately into the room, her steps very short due to the cut of her dress. Her hands high to keep her balance. "Oh, Dear! Who do we have here?"

Trent and Gomez stood up at the same time. "Cara Mia!" Gomez exclaimed, with a disconcerting look of distilled love in his eyes, after kissing her hand, he guided his wife to a tall chair, the woman sat with elegant grace. Trent waved at her before sitting down again, "Hello, Mrs. Addams."

"Trent, dear, call me Morticia."

"Sure. This is my friend, Daria Morgendorffer, Morticia. She needs a room while she attends college."

"Ah, yes! There's a room available indeed." Morticia smiled as she poured… liquid… stuff… in the cups. It steamed literal white clouds, that fell heavily from the edges of the cups.

Trent took a saucer and cup, and passed it to Daria, accepting then a second cup for himself. He inhaled the steam. "Amanita?"

Morticia smiled, "Your favorite. I prepared it myself when Gomez told me you'd come visit."

Trent took a sip, evidently enjoying the taste. "Ah… that hits the spot…"

Daria hesitated, Amanita was a very well known poisonous fungus! Yet Trent was apparently enjoying it.

He whispered to Daria, "It's safe to drink. Morticia prepares it right. Though it is an acquired taste. Kinda like that fish in Japan."

Daria took a small sip. The taste was indeed both bitter and strong. Her left eyebrow raised two millimeters. "It's very good, Mrs. Addams."

"Morticia, Dear. Now, Trent here vouches for you with glowing praise. We hope you'll enjoy your stay with us."

"However, we must discuss the unfortunate matter of payment." Gomez finished his tea, extracted his cigar from the pocket and resumed smoking it. "Would 500 dollars per week be acceptable?"

"Well, Mr. Addams, my finances are a bit tight, I was hoping for…"

"Let's say no more!" Gomez smiled, "A thousand then!" He extracted a checkbook from his pocket, filling it and signing with an ancient quill. A vulture quill, if Daría was not mistaken.

"Wait, what?"

"You could hardly have a proper education without the necessary funds, Dear child." Morticia smiled over her tea.

"Daria accepts, Gomez." Trent elbowed her in the ribs. Automatically, Daria took the check.

"Excellent! When can you bring your stuff?"

"Ah, hum…"

"School begins in a week, right?" Morticia asked.

"Um, yes."

"Then, take your time to pack. Meanwhile, Lurch will prepare your room. Any pets or deceased relatives you'd like to bring?"

"Well, I have a set of replica skull and bones… and a hydrocephallic skull. I mean, a replica of a hydrocephallic skull."

"Perfect! I'm sure Pugsley will loan you his set if you need the real stuff."

"Pugsley?"

"My son. He and the rest of the family are hunting tarantulas in the caves. They had planned this outing for weeks!"

"You'll meet the rest of the family once you're installed, dear." Morticia smiled warmly at Daria.

They made small talk and drank tea for close to twenty minutes more. Trent looked at his watch, "I'm sorry, I promised to take Daria back before dark."

"Of course! Traffic is a bother, I know!" Gomez stood up, and accompanied the pair to the door. "You are always welcome here. If you need something, don't hesitate to call or drop by!"

Cliched phrases, but Daria had the feeling Gomez was the real deal.

Once back in the car, Daria looked at the check. "5,000 dollars? I can't accept this!" She opened the car door, but Trent grabbed her arm for a moment.

"Daria, don't." He smiled, "The Addamses live on their own world, if you try to give the check back, Gomez will just give you more."

"You knew this would happen, right?" She sat back.

"Sure I did. I told you they are eccentric. To regular, straight-laced people, the Addams are… creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky, maybe dangerous." His eyes glazed for a moment. "Let me write that down…"

He wrote in a small notebook, "That rhymed right." He started the car. "Erm… where was I?"

"The Addamses?"

"Oh, Yeah… They are unique, Daria. But they are also the most accepting people I've ever met. If they like you, they will go to the very end of the world for you."

"And if they don't?" Daria asked with no little worry.

"Then… then you don't matter, and they will happily ignore you. They don't hold to grudges." He thought for a moment. "Unless they are having fun."

"I'm getting in over my head, aren't I?"

"Go with the flow." He nodded, "Do you want to deposit the check now?"

"Yeah, i think it will be better, if Dad or Mom see this, they will freak out; Quinn would demand to take me in a shopping marathon." She looked at the check in her hands. Gomez signature seemed to move on the paper.

Trent guessed the path of her thoughts. "It is good, the Addams Family is incredibly wealthy. This is pocket change." He snorted. "Heck, this is not even what's stuck between the sofa cushions. Max says he once found a Spanish gold doubloon once, stuck under the ironing board.."

"Then… why is the House..?"

"They like it that way." He shrugged. "Lurch dusts everyday."

"Doesn't look like, everything is covered in dust!"

"Lurch dusts everyday." He smirked.

A moment later, the coin dropped, Daria almost smirked. "Oh, got it."

Trent stepped on the pedal, and with a cough, Trent's car started. "Let's go to a local branch, I'll buy you lunch, after." He opened his eyes for a moment. "Uh… could you loan me a twenty?"

"Sure, Rockefeller. I owe you one." She paused. "I think."


Author Notes

This story came to be thanks to a casual prompt in FB. Obviously, I got inspired.

As you may probably guess, I'm not only a fan of Daria, but also a big fan of the 1960s Addams Family TV show. It is one of my favorite comedies ever. And it was my first exposure to the wonderfully twisted family of weirdos.

As an additional note, the original Latin American dub is great! All the voices were perfect for their respective characters, curiously, Jorge Lavat, Gomez' voice actor, had some resemblance to John Astin; and I'm sure he would have done a great job portraying the character in theatre.

There were several name changes to adapt the series to the Spanish speaking market. To begin with, instead of "La Familia Addams" the show was renamed "Los Locos Addams" (The Crazy Addamses). Gómez is an Spanish surname, so he was renamed "Homero"; Pugsley was Pericles, Wednesday was Merlina, Uncle Fester became Tío Lucas (aside of a given name "Lucas" can be slang for Crazy), Cousin Itt was Tío Cosa (Uncle Thing), Lurch was Largo (Long), and Thing was Dedos (Fingers). These changes endure to this day, with the animated movies.

On a final note, I have the utmost respect for whomever did the translation of the intro song. The lyrics are completely different, and actually correspond better to the images on screen.

The literal translation back to English would be something like:

The grand-daughter, the Uncle, and the Grand-mother
The High-born father
The beautiful mother of one
Very normal family.

If you come to visit
Don't expect a party
This way you'll see this
Very normal family

So pretty
So sweet
So crazy

If you wanna have fun
In the end it's for free
Here's the house of this
So normal family