Disclaimer: I do not own Mega Man, Excel Saga, Golden Girls, or any other
TV shows or games that appear in this fanfic. I do, however, own this
fanfic and all original characters contained within. End disclaimer.
Mega Man X-cel Saga
A Mega Man X/Excel Saga comedic crossover fanfiction By Brett Jordan, aka Zealot Rush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would say, 'Oh God, make it stop!' right about now, but since I'm not a human, I'm not programmed to have any religion. Unfortunately, I was programmed with a mouth that can get infected! So I'll just say, 'Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!'. *ahem* Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!"
Zero said this between clenched teeth as his hand grasped his red metal-covered jaw in pain. Despite the fact that he is a robot, he still is required to brush his teeth twice a day, as well as floss and use that infernal Listerine. Unfortunately for him, he was too busy sparring with the simulation Mavericks in the Maverick Hunter Training Center. So, one day, Lifesavor's right-hand oral specialist (Not THAT kind of oral, you sick freak!), Toothpullor, noticed that Zero was in pain. So, he decided to take a look. As it turned out, Zero had gingivitis, 18 cavities, and the infamous Maverick, Plaque Protozoa, in his mouth. (X was happy, because he killed Plaque Protozoa and got the special weapon Tartar Cannon.)
Still clutching his mouth, Zero trudged inside the barracks room where X and Zero lived, then laid down in his bunk bed.
X was sitting on the couch, watching The Golden Girls, dying out laughing.
"You know that's 'television for women'," Zero painfully informed X.
"So? Alia watches the 'New' TNN, and that's 'the first network for men'," X countered. Afterwards he turned back to the TV to watch the show some more...
***************
"I cannot believe Ma had a car wreck," Dorothy despairingly said.
"You know, this reminds me of an old St.Olaf folk tale," Rose suggested.
"Oh, GOD! How can you be so cruel?!"
"That's exactly what it's about! It's about how Googley the Grasshopper talked to God when his friend Bhlurghenflocken the Bunny got torn up by a wolf!"
***************
Zero HATED The Golden Girls. He leaped out of his bed and snatched the remote and turned it to a random channel.
"Hey!" X exclaimed as the TV Guide channel scrolled by.
"Let's see if something GOOD is on, OK? I'm not in the best of moo-"
Just then, the resounding GRRSH of twisting metal was heard from the main control room.
"What the hell was that?!" Zero yelled as he stormed out of the barracks, with X following closely behind, running down the hallways to the main control room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Y-y-you're NOT Sigma or one of his Mavericks?!?!?!" Alia erupted with the most extreme surprised look on her face as she laid eyes on the intruder. "But that's impossible! We ALWAYS fight Sigma, but not before killing exactly eight Mavericks! That's how it ALWAYS works!" She paused. "Wh-who ARE you then?! You MUST be working for Sigma, because that's the only antagonist we ever face!"
A broad-shouldered, shadowy figure stood in the hole where an odd vehicle had crashed into Maverick Hunter HQ. The figure pointed directly at Alia.
"Sigma was part the name of my sorority back in college, the years I can remember abso-positively nothing about! I serve not my sorority! I only serve one man, and that man is Loooord Ilpalazzo!!!" the figure bursted.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Signas exclaimed as he bursted out of the restroom, a trail of toilet paper on his robotic foot.
"By the express command of Lord Ilpalazzo, I DEMAND that you surrender this fancy-shmancy-techno-doodad-thingy-whatsit-base to the secret ideological organization of ACROSS! For that is what Lord Ilpalazzo has told me to do, and when he tells me to jump...well, I end up falling in a pit! But that has absolutely nothing to do with what I am here for! So surrender this place, NOW!" the figure roared in an exceptionally annoying voice.
"I don't think that's going to happen," Zero stated as he rushed into the room, with X behind him, the swirling aura of his charging X-Buster surrounding him.
"You're one of Sigma's cohorts, I'll bet!" X yelled as he aimed his X- Buster at the shadowy figure.
"For the last time, I don't work for a sorority!" the figure stated. "Now HAND THIS PLACE OVER!!!"
A second figure shyly walked up behind the first and spoke very calmly. "Senior, I don't think these people will just hand this intricate facility over without resistance."
"You DAMN right!" Zero screamed as he drew his Z-saber and leaped up and forward, towards the first shadowy figure. Utilizing an entire life of training, Zero focused his technique and all of his power into every slash. Concentrating, and putting all his might and faith into his Z-saber, he lunged at the figure...
...only to find that X had already shot it with a charged X-Buster shot.
"X, you ALWAYS take all the glory!" Zero said in a tantrum. Then his gingivitis and 18 cavities caught up with him, as he rolled along the ground, at the mercy of his mouth.
"It's time to reveal who you two really are!" X said, as his suit started flashing in all sorts of different colors as he cycled through his weapons to find his Flashlight Blaster, and shot it straight at the two shadows, revealing their true identities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Excel is blinded and cannot see! Hatchan, make him stop!" Excel yelped as X's Flashlight Blaster shone on her.
Hyatt, always prepared, was wearing sunglasses to shield her eyes from the brilliant power of the F. Blaster. "Oh, I believe his batteries will run out soon..." she said. Exactly 1.24 milliseconds later, X's weapon energy for the F. Blaster ran dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Swucha gff," Zero said through his hand, which was covering his ailing mouth. "Tfss wr prbm, wr errays rnn ut uv wuffn unrgy, n I dnf! Hrr ha ha ha!" (To clarify, he said "It's whatcha get!", and "That's your problem, you're always running out of weapon energy, and I don't! So ha ha ha!")
"Well, what's to be expected from a Maverick called 'Luminous Anglerfish'..." X sighed as he switched back to his good old, infinite ammo X-Buster. "'You got Flashlight Blaster!'...phbtt. Couldn't care less. I had already beat Nocturnal Wombat, so I had no use for it anyway."
"Wuhl, durs uhlwus duh truhdishnl rumuch btwun duh uut Muberks..." ("Well, there's always the traditional rematch between the eight Mavericks...")
Alia scowled at Excel and Hyatt. "Well, if you DON'T work for Sigma- which I doubt, because we ALWAYS are supposed to fight him-then why the hell do you want to take over Maverick Hunter Headquarters?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Excel is getting really tired of repeating herself!" Excel told the swirls and spots in her eyes due to the F. Blaster. "Excel feels no need to repeat herself, for you worthless peons are going to become part of ACROSS's grand dominion soon! Hee-yaa!" Excel screamed as she leapt up to an astounding altitude in the air. Then she extended her leg and pointed her foot down towards what she thought was X. "EXCEL KICK!" she screamed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Holy Hell!" Alia screamed as Excel kicked the self-destruct button on the main computer's control panel.
"Why the hell do we even HAVE a self-destruct button? Just so something like this can happen?!" Signas yelled.
"Oh NOOOOOOO!" X yelled.
"Uf NFFFFFFFFFF!" Zero muffled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, dear..." Hyatt sighed. "This'll be the 13th time I've died today," she said as she tied a blindfold around her head, waiting for the impending explosion.
"Ya-haa!" Excel screamed, believing that she had won. "You punks are no match for my MAD SKILLZ! Lord Ilpalazzo, your Excel has fulfilled her duty! She has done what you have told her to do!"
The spots were still in front of Excel's eyes, so she didn't know what the hell was going on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And so, Maverick Hunter HQ was destroyed, and they all died.
But of course, Hyatt is used to being killed, Excel can just be restored by The Great Will of the Macrochasm, and X and Zero have an infinite lives cheat on. So they'll be back..in the next chapter!
*End of Chapter 1*
*******************
OK, I know it was short and pretty damn stupid. But still, review it and tell me how I did. This is my first attempt at humor, and I'm not that good at being funny.
Mega Man X-cel Saga
A Mega Man X/Excel Saga comedic crossover fanfiction By Brett Jordan, aka Zealot Rush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I would say, 'Oh God, make it stop!' right about now, but since I'm not a human, I'm not programmed to have any religion. Unfortunately, I was programmed with a mouth that can get infected! So I'll just say, 'Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!'. *ahem* Damn it! This hurts like a bitch!"
Zero said this between clenched teeth as his hand grasped his red metal-covered jaw in pain. Despite the fact that he is a robot, he still is required to brush his teeth twice a day, as well as floss and use that infernal Listerine. Unfortunately for him, he was too busy sparring with the simulation Mavericks in the Maverick Hunter Training Center. So, one day, Lifesavor's right-hand oral specialist (Not THAT kind of oral, you sick freak!), Toothpullor, noticed that Zero was in pain. So, he decided to take a look. As it turned out, Zero had gingivitis, 18 cavities, and the infamous Maverick, Plaque Protozoa, in his mouth. (X was happy, because he killed Plaque Protozoa and got the special weapon Tartar Cannon.)
Still clutching his mouth, Zero trudged inside the barracks room where X and Zero lived, then laid down in his bunk bed.
X was sitting on the couch, watching The Golden Girls, dying out laughing.
"You know that's 'television for women'," Zero painfully informed X.
"So? Alia watches the 'New' TNN, and that's 'the first network for men'," X countered. Afterwards he turned back to the TV to watch the show some more...
***************
"I cannot believe Ma had a car wreck," Dorothy despairingly said.
"You know, this reminds me of an old St.Olaf folk tale," Rose suggested.
"Oh, GOD! How can you be so cruel?!"
"That's exactly what it's about! It's about how Googley the Grasshopper talked to God when his friend Bhlurghenflocken the Bunny got torn up by a wolf!"
***************
Zero HATED The Golden Girls. He leaped out of his bed and snatched the remote and turned it to a random channel.
"Hey!" X exclaimed as the TV Guide channel scrolled by.
"Let's see if something GOOD is on, OK? I'm not in the best of moo-"
Just then, the resounding GRRSH of twisting metal was heard from the main control room.
"What the hell was that?!" Zero yelled as he stormed out of the barracks, with X following closely behind, running down the hallways to the main control room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Y-y-you're NOT Sigma or one of his Mavericks?!?!?!" Alia erupted with the most extreme surprised look on her face as she laid eyes on the intruder. "But that's impossible! We ALWAYS fight Sigma, but not before killing exactly eight Mavericks! That's how it ALWAYS works!" She paused. "Wh-who ARE you then?! You MUST be working for Sigma, because that's the only antagonist we ever face!"
A broad-shouldered, shadowy figure stood in the hole where an odd vehicle had crashed into Maverick Hunter HQ. The figure pointed directly at Alia.
"Sigma was part the name of my sorority back in college, the years I can remember abso-positively nothing about! I serve not my sorority! I only serve one man, and that man is Loooord Ilpalazzo!!!" the figure bursted.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Signas exclaimed as he bursted out of the restroom, a trail of toilet paper on his robotic foot.
"By the express command of Lord Ilpalazzo, I DEMAND that you surrender this fancy-shmancy-techno-doodad-thingy-whatsit-base to the secret ideological organization of ACROSS! For that is what Lord Ilpalazzo has told me to do, and when he tells me to jump...well, I end up falling in a pit! But that has absolutely nothing to do with what I am here for! So surrender this place, NOW!" the figure roared in an exceptionally annoying voice.
"I don't think that's going to happen," Zero stated as he rushed into the room, with X behind him, the swirling aura of his charging X-Buster surrounding him.
"You're one of Sigma's cohorts, I'll bet!" X yelled as he aimed his X- Buster at the shadowy figure.
"For the last time, I don't work for a sorority!" the figure stated. "Now HAND THIS PLACE OVER!!!"
A second figure shyly walked up behind the first and spoke very calmly. "Senior, I don't think these people will just hand this intricate facility over without resistance."
"You DAMN right!" Zero screamed as he drew his Z-saber and leaped up and forward, towards the first shadowy figure. Utilizing an entire life of training, Zero focused his technique and all of his power into every slash. Concentrating, and putting all his might and faith into his Z-saber, he lunged at the figure...
...only to find that X had already shot it with a charged X-Buster shot.
"X, you ALWAYS take all the glory!" Zero said in a tantrum. Then his gingivitis and 18 cavities caught up with him, as he rolled along the ground, at the mercy of his mouth.
"It's time to reveal who you two really are!" X said, as his suit started flashing in all sorts of different colors as he cycled through his weapons to find his Flashlight Blaster, and shot it straight at the two shadows, revealing their true identities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Excel is blinded and cannot see! Hatchan, make him stop!" Excel yelped as X's Flashlight Blaster shone on her.
Hyatt, always prepared, was wearing sunglasses to shield her eyes from the brilliant power of the F. Blaster. "Oh, I believe his batteries will run out soon..." she said. Exactly 1.24 milliseconds later, X's weapon energy for the F. Blaster ran dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Swucha gff," Zero said through his hand, which was covering his ailing mouth. "Tfss wr prbm, wr errays rnn ut uv wuffn unrgy, n I dnf! Hrr ha ha ha!" (To clarify, he said "It's whatcha get!", and "That's your problem, you're always running out of weapon energy, and I don't! So ha ha ha!")
"Well, what's to be expected from a Maverick called 'Luminous Anglerfish'..." X sighed as he switched back to his good old, infinite ammo X-Buster. "'You got Flashlight Blaster!'...phbtt. Couldn't care less. I had already beat Nocturnal Wombat, so I had no use for it anyway."
"Wuhl, durs uhlwus duh truhdishnl rumuch btwun duh uut Muberks..." ("Well, there's always the traditional rematch between the eight Mavericks...")
Alia scowled at Excel and Hyatt. "Well, if you DON'T work for Sigma- which I doubt, because we ALWAYS are supposed to fight him-then why the hell do you want to take over Maverick Hunter Headquarters?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Excel is getting really tired of repeating herself!" Excel told the swirls and spots in her eyes due to the F. Blaster. "Excel feels no need to repeat herself, for you worthless peons are going to become part of ACROSS's grand dominion soon! Hee-yaa!" Excel screamed as she leapt up to an astounding altitude in the air. Then she extended her leg and pointed her foot down towards what she thought was X. "EXCEL KICK!" she screamed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Holy Hell!" Alia screamed as Excel kicked the self-destruct button on the main computer's control panel.
"Why the hell do we even HAVE a self-destruct button? Just so something like this can happen?!" Signas yelled.
"Oh NOOOOOOO!" X yelled.
"Uf NFFFFFFFFFF!" Zero muffled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, dear..." Hyatt sighed. "This'll be the 13th time I've died today," she said as she tied a blindfold around her head, waiting for the impending explosion.
"Ya-haa!" Excel screamed, believing that she had won. "You punks are no match for my MAD SKILLZ! Lord Ilpalazzo, your Excel has fulfilled her duty! She has done what you have told her to do!"
The spots were still in front of Excel's eyes, so she didn't know what the hell was going on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And so, Maverick Hunter HQ was destroyed, and they all died.
But of course, Hyatt is used to being killed, Excel can just be restored by The Great Will of the Macrochasm, and X and Zero have an infinite lives cheat on. So they'll be back..in the next chapter!
*End of Chapter 1*
*******************
OK, I know it was short and pretty damn stupid. But still, review it and tell me how I did. This is my first attempt at humor, and I'm not that good at being funny.
