My life is completely in pieces. In one night, I have gone from pretty stable to a total mess.

The school dance is in two hours, and I'm still in the middle of practice. I am depressed as t is, so I miss easy passes and get yelled at about every other minute by my coaches. It's too much; I run into the bathroom during water break so that no one can watch me cry. I look at my wet face in the mirror. It is usually beautiful and smiling, but not anymore. It's hurt and alone. I look at my arms, which are covered in long sleeves. I slowly pull up the sleeves, revealing blood stained bandages. I then unwrap the bandages, revealing one of my many secrets; my self- inflicted cuts. They now sting again, just crying out for more. If I was weaker, I would be on the floor with my favorite razor. I decide that's t would be better to finish practice first so that no one suspects anything. I put the bandages back on, pull down my sleeves, and walk out of the bathroom wiping my face.

I feel like I'm above air. Liquor tastes so much better when you're depressed, in my opinion. The dance room is completely dark except for the many strobe lights and the smoke filling the air. I am standing on the wall with Colin, drinking Coke with rum. He's such a free spirit, with almost no care in the world. I wish I was more like him. He's so smooth and sexy; he knows just what to say and do to turn me on. I know that he is dating my best friend's sister, but at this rate, I don't care one bit, I want to be his. My friend Alex is also drinking with us. He's the one I love with all my heart. I've loved him ever since we dated long ago. He's more down to earth, he's the one who has kept me from ending my life.

We're now dancing in the smoke and darkness. I can feel my body rubbing up against Colin; I can feel his hard dick on me. My head is feeling so light, it feels fantastic. Our bodies are just colliding to the beat of the music. His hands slowly move down my body and touch me between my legs. He massages me so softly while he kisses my wet neck. One part of me is saying to stop; he has a girlfriend, everyone will hate you. But I mostly do not care. Just for this one night, I want to believe that he actually wants me. I run my hand behind me, down his chest and to his hard rod. I let him hear my hard breathing while I work my hand into his pants. At the same time, he works his hand p my shirt and to my hard nipple. We begin stroking each other simultaneously, and I breathe harder and harder. He whispers into my ear to go outside.

We walk across the street into the pitch black darkness of the park. We slowly sip the rest of the rum as we fall on each other under a tree. I wonder if anyone is wondering where I am, probably not. No one cares enough to do so. Colin continues feeling me out and kissing me. He suddenly moves from my lips and works his way down my chest. His tongue runs over my nipples a couple of times while my breathing becomes very rapid. He kisses my bellybutton as he unbuttons my jeans. I want to say no, maybe later, but the alcohol is taking over my mind and body. He pulls down my jeans and pulls on my underwear with his teeth. He opens my legs and begins to lick my pussy. I want to scream, but I try to control myself and instead begin to softly moan. I can feel his wet tongue going in and out, and his hot breathe tickles my clit. My back starts to arch, and he finally begins to softly suck on my clit. My whole pelvis tenses up as my back continue to arch. Finally I feel myself reaching the climax, but then he stops. He kneels up, and I take the opportunity. I push him on his back and pull down his pants and boxers.

I touch his hard penis with the tip of my tongue before putting the entire shaft in my mouth. I can hear his breathing getting harder. I run my tongue up and down the shaft and suck on the head. He cums into my mouth and it makes me suck harder. He pushes my head away and pulls something out of his pants pocket. It is a condom. He quickly puts it on and slowly places me on my back. Suddenly something snaps in my head; I'm about to have sex. I have a sudden flashback.

I was sitting at the bus stop after school with Alex. We always have intimate talks at these times. One thing I said sticks in my head: I want to have my first time with you. Now I am about to lose my virginity to someone else. I push with all my might, and I hear myself scream I CAN'T. I frantically feel for my clothes on the ground while whispering apologies though my tears. I pull on all of my clothes and begin to run, leaving Colin naked and confused.

I'm so drunk that it's hard to walk straight, let alone run. I run into tree and logs. I trip numerous times. Finally I reach the lights of the main street. I am overcome with shame. I sit on the side of the street and pull a little box out of my pocket. I open it and hold my favorite razor in my hand. Sobbing, I pull up my sleeves and hold the razor to my wrists. I breathe slowly to keep my hand steady as I run the razor along the side of my wrists, being careful not to slice into my vein. I feel the excruciating pain as my skin is ripped into, and a trail of blood runs down my arm. I scream out the word Why with every cut I make. I look into the busy street, and a thought creeps into my head. I stand up, my arms red with blood, and begin walking to the very edge of the street. Cars fly by at fast speeds, and I can feel the wind of those speeding monsters in my face. I slowly begin to let my body lean forward, hoping that eventually I will fall into the street and meet my end. Another memory flashes into my head.

Another intimate talk with Alex. I confide in him my wish to end my life. He gives me plenty of reasons against it, one being that it would hurt too many people. I remark that no one cares about me anyways. He tells me that he cares. He cares..

I snap back just in time to let myself fall back onto the sidewalk. I just sit and cry. Finally I get up and walk. I just walk and cry until I reach the door of the dance. It is over; people are filing out of the door. I stand at the side and wait. Finally I see him; Alex walks out looking a little frazzled. I yell his name again and again until he walks to me. I hold up my arms, showing him the cuts and dripping blood. He looks into my eyes, and I see the most incredible thing in the world; a tear appears in his eye. I break into another sob and fall into his arms. I feel his body move in unison with his crying. He decides to walk me to his house, where supposedly I will sleep for the night. This night was a complete mess, but I think I'll be alright now. I know I'll be.