It was the smell that first stirred Loki in his sleep. A burned smell, at first warm and reassuring like that which escapes from the fireplace, then repulsive like that of charred flesh. A child should not know this smell. Loki knew it too well. It was the kind of smell found only on the battlefield. In his dream, Loki clenched his fists and refused to open his eyes. He knew what was coming next. Maybe if he tried hard enough to wake up, he would break free of the dream before it got worse. But, of course, he was lying to himself.
Then came the noise, women and children's howl of terror, dying warriors' cries of pain. A familiar voice howled, but no one could hear it above the fighting noise. Loki could not see. However, the glow of fires and lightning was forever imprinted under his closed eyelids. Loki shook his head and tried to pull back, as if his gesture could make that horror less real. A wall stopped him.
The dream went on. Touch. Loki could feel the sticky blood dripping onto the cold stone. Gods dream with their five senses. Loki knew he would wake up feeling that blood on his hands. Taste. The smell of blood went down from his nostril to his throat. He could taste it on his tongue now. Loki would gladly rip it off to make the sensations stop.
"LOKI!"
The same voice, closer now. Eyes still closed, Loki ran. What need did he have to open his eyes, anyway? He knew his dreams' courtyard and corridor by heart. The dream took place in Asgard, where he slept, but it was not the same Asgard. This one fell and burned.
"LOKI!"
Out of breath, Loki stopped. He might know the twists and turns of Asgard, but the man chasing him did, too. No matter where he went or how long he ran, he found himself cornered, with nowhere to run. Defeated, Loki opened his eyes at last. The dream was even worse open-eyed because now he could see the lifeless bodies on the ground, the black shadow covering the sky and the earth below them. Soon, Asgard would finish its fall. There would be more dead, so many of them. Loki didn't want to see this, but what choice did he have? It was his dream. That didn't mean he was in control.
"LOKI! WHAT DID YOU DO?"
Thor was facing him. He wasn't the Thor he knew; rather, Loki wasn't the boy he was in the waking world. Here, they were the same height. Thor didn't have to kneel for them to talk. Worse, Thor's eyes were burning with hatred and contempt. There weren't his big brother's eyes. Loki realized he was not a child.
"I did nothing!" he said against the evidence.
"NOTHING?" shouted Thor. He grabbed his arm and dragged him to the nearest window. "AND THAT?"
Loki's chin banged against the stone. The smoke rising from the battlefield choked him, but did not blind him. He had no choice but to sell. He screamed.
"NOW, TELL ME. WHAT DID YOU DO?"
Loki woke up sweating in a bed too big and a room too cold. He could still feel the taste of blood in his mouth and Thor's handprint on his arm. He rolled up his shirt sleeve. Nothing. He curled up in his blanket and cried. It wasn't the first time he had this dream, but he felt worse every time. One thing for sure, he wouldn't sleep more tonight.
The room's silence terrified him as much as his dream's fighting clamor. After all, he was still a child, no matter what all those Asgardians who looked at him with contempt thought. Lok was frightened, like the child he was. He glanced around the room. It was not a child's room. Nor was it the one he had occupied in his old life. When Thor brought him back to Asgard, people proudly told him they burned everything he had ever owned. His room was just a room with a bed where people let him accumulate books and some little trinkets. It was familiar, but not comforting.
Loki slid off the bed. He wanted to take his pillow or blanket with him, but even if he was a child, he refused to behave like a pathetic human child. Bravely, he crossed the distance between the bed and the door.
There were two locks on the door. Loki owned the first one. Thor entrusted him with that key to lock himself inside and sleep safely. Some Asgardians still wanted him dead. The second lock was here to soothe these Asgardians and to lock him inside every night.
At least it should lock him inside. Loki had just enough magic to unlock the door and slip into the hallway. He shivered. His room was cold, but the palace halls were even worse. The night made the statues look even scarier. Loki lifted his chin. He was dangerous too.
He still was afraid of the dream.
Sneaking from statue to statue so as not to be spotted by a patrol, Loki reached Thor's room. He knocked softly. Then, hearing no response, he slipped inside.
"Thor!"
Only a growl answered him. Loki moved closer to the bed. His brother had collapsed on the bed, only taking off his boots and armor.
"Thor!" Loki asked again, shaking his brother's arm.
This time, Thor opened one eye and yawned.
"Loki? Is Asgard under attack?"
"No. I had a dream."
Thor was already closing his eyes. He reached for his second pillow with his hand.
"If Asgard is not under attack, it can wait until tomorrow morning. You're not an infant, and I just fought alongside the Avengers. Let me sleep."
Thor's blond head disappeared under the pillow. Loki pouted. Considering his breath, Thor had also drunk too much with the Avengers. Loki shook his brother again, but only a snore answered him.
"Thor!" he begged.
"Loki, if you haven't vacated the place in a minute, I'll fight you," Thor promised in an angry voice.
Loki curled up at the foot of the bed. He tried to convince himself that Thor's snores were enough to reassure him, but it was a lie. He finally got up and left the place quietly. Once the door closed, he glanced down the hall, where the All-Mother slept. But if Freya had raised and loved him, it was a very long time ago. Now she had neither the same indulgence nor the kindness as Thor. Instead, she would push Loki away even more brutally.
With no other option, Loki wandered through the corridors until he came to a garden. He pulled himself up onto a wall. From here, he could gaze upon all of Asgard and the human city of Broxton. Both cities were asleep. Every sleeping person was another opportunity to have fun and create a bit of chaos. For once, Loki didn't feel like it.
He heard the sound of wings. A few seconds later, Ikol landed near him.
"What is a god of mischief doing at this unholy hour? Shouldn't you be asleep like a good little boy?"
"Go away."
The magpie approached with thee little jumps.
"Why would I leave? Aren't we friends?"
"I want to be alone."
"Sure. I understand. That's why you moved here, where you can see if Thor or Freya's windows light up. Do you really believe they would open their arms and help you?"
Loki lowered his head.
"No."
"No", the magpie repeated.
It said nothing more and stared at him quizzically. Loki felt the cold getting worse, but who else could he talk to?
"I had a dream", he whispered.
Ikol flew and landed on his shoulder.
"A dream? These are serious things. Dream or nightmare?"
"A nightmare. It comes back again and again."
"A serious issue. Tell me."
"I am here in Asgard, and everything is burning around me. Asgard is collapsing toward Midgard, and there's fighting in the streets, fighting in the sky. People are dying."
"Yes, that's what usually happens in a battle. Something else?"
"Thor's yelling at me. He says it's my fault. He's right. Because it's the Siege of Asgard, right?"
It was hard to see Ikol's expression on his shoulder. Besides, it was hard to decipher a magpie's eye. If Loki had been less disturbed by his dream, he might have detected the malignant green gleam in Ikol's eye. Instead, he was glad someone was listening to him at last. Alas, he saw nothing. Ikol remained silent for a long time to let Loki worry longer.
"That is a serious dream. I agree. You're seeing the Siege of Asgard, one of the worst trials the kingdom has overcome in recent years."
"I did nothing to them. It was the first Loki. You did it."
Ikol opened his beak and laughed. It was a sinister sound.
"It's always Loki's fault. Didn't you learn that? Sometimes, it's even the truth. It is, for the Siege of Asgard."
"People are dead."
"It happens. Even if no one died, they would still treat you like they do, even the children. Sometimes, the youngest are the worst monsters."
Ikol's indifference disgusted Loki. He regretted telling Ikol about his dream now, even if he was receiving better advice than if he had asked Thor. His brother would have said it was all in the past, and Loki should forget about his dream. As if Loki could forget the hate in his brother's eyes.
"You're a monster", Loki accused.
"You too."
"No! I'm not you! I'm innocent of these crimes!"
"Really? Didn't Loki do those awful acts? And aren't you Loki?"
"Yes... But it wasn't me! I'm a mischievous child who plays pranks and turns the worst situations around to help his brother. I'm not a god of evil and destruction. I am me, and I will never become you!"
"Did you convince yourself of this when you have such a hard time convincing others? Is there a single person in the Nine Realms who trusts you? Thor, maybe?"
No. No one trusted Loki, not even Thor. Loki raised his fist to threaten the bird on his shoulder, but Ikol was always attentive and flew out of reach.
"Be nice! Is this how a prince treats his adviser? Should I leave you alone?"
"I didn't mean to," Loki apologized. "It's just that... I'm afraid of becoming like you. I will prove to them all that I'm not you, that I want to help them. But..."
"Yes?"
"How do I prove I'm not you? What mistakes have you made that I should avoid? How can I take a different path?"
Ikol landed far from Loki's fists.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes!"
"Ask Thor, the All-Mother, Sif, Heimdall, everyone. They will tell you the same thing as me: you cannot take a different path. You will always become me, the Loki everyone hates and rejects."
"No! I am not and never will be that Loki." Do you know why? Because I have something you don't have!"
"Really?"
"I have guilt."
Ikol nearly fell from laughing.
"That's a precious gift! You should excise it from your heart. You will, eventually. Of course, you will, because I have, a long time ago."
Still laughing, Ikol flew away and landed on the tallest tower in Asgard. He was happy to let the child Loki be happy in the role of the sympathetic and misunderstood hero. Soon, Ikol, the only true Loki, would take over the child's body and be free to wreak havoc again. For now, he looked at the crying child. The nightmares would soon end. Ikol just had to wait long enough for the Asgardians to let their guard down and Thor's heart to melt before his adorable younger brother. Then Ikol would take the child's place and take advantage of that hard-earned trust.
Soon. Very soon.
