Past & Present
Chapter 3: Secrets
DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Friends" or any of the characters. If I did, there would be no Season 10 R/R reunion.
THE PREMISE: Rachel must choose between her past and her future. Will tragedy be the result?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: First, thanks to all of you who responded to my question and who left positive reviews. For those who were less than positive – if you're a R/R fan, you were warned that you wouldn't enjoy this story, so why read it? I don't read stuff that's going to upset me.
Now that the cat is out of the bag about the S10 R/R reunion cranking up as early as the third new episode, I almost decided to give up on this story. But I decided that since fanfics are the only place we J/R fans can get our happy ending, I should continue.
Please leave me some good reviews and encourage me to keep going – I could really use it. Thanks!
~*~*~*~
Rachel and Joey returned to their apartment just as the sun was beginning to set behind the New York skyline, casting a pink light everywhere. They hadn't had a moment alone since walking into the lobby that morning and being accosted by their friends and separated for questioning.
They had everything but a giant spotlight, Rachel thought, frowningas she remembered Monica's accusations, Phoebe's betrayed face, but most of all, Ross. Ross looking as if he despised the very sight of her, refusing to speak except to curtly say that he would go get Emma from his parent's house and keep her overnight.
She suppressed a twinge of shame as she recalled her flimsy cover story: Joey had come to her room, depressed about his breakup. They'd kissed, she told Monica and Phoebe, but nothing else, deciding to remain friends for the time being. She'd left out the fact that "the time being" was one week and that it had gone further than mere kissing.
She knew that her story was somewhat true, at least on the surface. But she'd denied the essence of what had happened between them, a turning point in their relationship that transcended the one-night stand everyone assumed they'd had. They were on the verge of becoming a couple, and she'd given her two best friends no clue about this development.
As these things drifted through her mind, Joey carried her bags to her room. She stood behind the bar, nervously sorting through their mail. He emerged from her room and gave her a tight-lipped smile as he got his own bag. He wheeled it into his room in silence and closed his door.
Fear stabbed her heart as she considered the possibility that he might not come back out. It felt so awkward to be back in these familiar surroundings now that so much had happened in Barbados. They had almost slept together – only his reluctance had stopped them. In her heart of hearts, she knew they could never be "just roommates" again. But could they face what lay ahead of them without crashing into a wall of obstacles?
He was right, she admitted to herself. In the real world, this is so complicated. Maybe too complicated for him.
The sound of his door opening startled her. His face was impassive as he glanced her way, then looked at the floor as took a seat in the Barcalounger.
One of us has to say something, she thought as she racked her brain for some sort of ice-breaker. What do you say to your roommate after you've become his girlfriend during a weekend getaway?
He broke the silence. "So are we – over?" His tone was restrained but she saw how his hands gripped the arms of the chair. His face, still expressionless, told her nothing.
"Do you want us to be over?" She held her breath as she waited for his answer.
"I want whatever you want." He looked at the floor again.
She walked slowly to a barstool and sat down. "This is too complicated for you, isn't it?" A numbing sense of loss filled her as she tried to anticipate his next words.
He shrugged. "I can handle the complications. But you - you just looked so unhappy all the way home. I thought Monica and Pheebs probably talked you out of this." His eyes burned into hers. "If you want to stop and act like this never happened, I can try to do that."
"Is that what you really want?"
"No." He struggled with the intensity of his feelings. "The only thing I've wanted – since that night when we went out for the first time – is you."
"Oh, sweetie," she sighed with relief as she climbed down from the barstool to sit with him. "Can I?"
"Sure." He drew her on to his lap.
"We knew this was going to be complicated. But it's worth it, isn't it?" She rested her head on his shoulder.
"What did Monica say to you?" he asked.
She cringed internally at the memory. "They kinda thought we slept together."
His eyebrows shot up. "Did they get that idea from you?"
She avoided his eyes. "No, but I didn't exactly set them straight - " Her voice trailed off.
"More secrets, more lies." He exhaled with exasperation.
"I didn't lie about anything, I just – " she paused as she tried to think of a favorable way to describe her actions – "didn't give them all the facts." She counted to ten, waiting for him to speak. When he didn't, she continued. "I sort of told them that we kissed, but nothing else really happened and we're still just roommates - " He opened his mouth to protest. "For now," she stressed.
"And how is that not lying?"
"Well, we didn't sleep together!" Her voice took on a defensive note.
"Almost!"
"Almost doesn't count. Trust me, I learned all about that in high school."
"But something happened. It clearly wasn't nothing." The corner of his mouth turned down in agitation.
She sat up sharply, deciding to turn the tables. "What exactly did you say to Chandler?"
"I told him to ask Monica, that whatever you told her was the real story."
"Why did you do a thing like that?"
"We're guys! We don't talk about that stuff!"
Her face was incredulous.
"Ok, so Chandler talks about that kind of stuff, but I don't!"
She giggled. "You mean you and Chandler don't like to get together and, you know, paint each other's toenails while you talk about your feelings?"
"No. Ross is the one who likes his toenails painted". He was quiet for a few seconds. "Does he know?"
"I think so. Monica said he overheard her and Phoebe talking about it and she had to tell him. But I told her that we didn't do anything and I think she filled him in."
"He's going to hate us both now." He sighed painfully.
"What if he does? We didn't do anything wrong. And I know for a fact he slept with Charlie last night." She changed her tone, trying to get Joey to smile. "Do you know if Charlie owns a wedding dress?"
She was rewarded with a chuckle before his agitation returned. "She sure didn't sleep in her bed last night. I saw that when I went back to the room to get my stuff." His eyebrows formed a straight line as he scowled. "Anyway, it's none of their business if we're sleeping together or not," he blurted out tersely.
"So you admit that it's ok to keep it to ourselves for now?"
He squirmed uncomfortably and looked away from her.
"Admit it!"
"Ok! I admit it!" He pulled the lever of the chair, moving them to a reclining position. "And we're not over?"
"I don't want us to be over. If you can handle this, I can. I want to try, at least." She cuddled closer to him. "One week back in the real world, like you said. It won't seem weird after a week or so." And maybe by then, I won't be so scared for everyone to know truth and will have thought of a way to tell them, she added to herself.
He flashed a crooked smile at her. "Do you want to do some – stuff?"
"Depends on what you have in mind." She brushed her fingers through his dark hair, admiring how incredible he looked, even after going without sleep for 24 hours. "This chair is too small for doing much stuff."
"We can do some more of that hallway stuff," he looked at her suggestively.
"But what about rule three?" She breathed the words as she left a trail of kisses on the side of his neck.
"There are some loopholes in rule three. We don't have to break it to do certain - stuff."
She pulled back in mock surprise. "I thought rule three was iron clad with no loopholes!"
"I made the damn rule, and I'm making a loophole!" He quickly pulled her on top of him.
"Did you lock the door when we came in?" She forced the words out between kisses.
"Yes!" He said impatiently.
Within minutes, she knew they were headed to the point of no return. Despite his resolve to wait, the attraction between them was too strong. It would not be denied. She felt herself responding to him in a way that she'd never responded to another man, not even Ross. It was surprising in a wonderful way - an unexpected gift when you thought life had already given you your share.
She wondered briefly if it was because he'd seen her at her best and her worst. There was no fantasy to live up to, no image to uphold. She could simply be herself with him, relishing in the feeling of being completely safe in his arms.
So this is love, she mused. I almost forgot how it feels.
"We should stop," he said without taking his lips from hers.
"We should finish." She punctuated her words by deepening the kiss insistently.
"You sure?" He wasn't putting up much of a fight. She could sense his resistance crumbling.
"Um-hmm," she murmured affirmatively. A wave of pleasure flowed through her, making further speech impossible.
"Let's go to my room," he whispered.
She pulled herself slowly away, breathless with anticipation and dizzy from the euphoria she was experiencing.
No regrets, she told herself. He's the only one I really want to be with. This was meant to happen.
She smiled radiantly as this certainty filled her to the core like a warm fire burning within. The glowing smile was not lost on Joey, who watched her expression change with captivated wonder.
"My God – you are so beautiful," he whispered in amazement.
She answered him without thinking, realizing the truth as she heard her own words saying it. "You make me feel beautiful." It's as simple as that, she realized.
"Let's go." She stood up by the chair as he pulled the lever to bring it back its normal position.
The sound of someone turning the locked doorknob from outside shattered the stillness.
They looked at each other then at the door.
A hesitant knocking echoed through the room. "Rachel? It's me and Emma."
"Ross!" Joey hissed, panicking.
Rachel hastily rearranged her clothing, thinking fast. "I'll go out and talk to him in the hall."
"What if they come in? I can't stand up now!"
"Rachel? Are you there?" Ross called through the door. She could hear Emma's voice jabbering baby talk to Ross in the hall.
"Throw me a magazine!" Joey pointed at the bar.
Rachel tossed the latest issue of "Vogue" to him. He opened it to the middle and put it over his lap as she stepped out into the hall.
Ross was holding Emma, who held out her tiny arms to her mother and let out a happy squeal when Rachel embraced her.
"Is this a bad time?" Ross' voice was flat, his face betraying nothing other than his disappointment in her.
"No," she answered, ignoring the way Joey's kisses still burned on her lips, the way she could still feel the warmth of his body against hers. "I was just unpacking. What's up? I thought she was staying at your place tonight."
"She was, but they did pest control on my floor of the building this morning, and –"
"And you're allergic to bug spray," she finished.
"I'm a little worried about exposing her to it." He reached across Rachel's arm to stroke his daughter's soft downy hair. "If I'm allergic to it, there's a good chance she is, too. She's safer here with you, at least for tonight."
"Where are you going to stay?"
He looked away from her, adjusting one of Emma's shoes. "Um, Charlie has this paper she wants me to look at – I'm going over to her place to read it then I'll just crash on her couch or something."
So that's the way we're going to play it, she thought in annoyance. This isn't going to work. He has to know that I'm ok with the whole Charlie thing.
She shifted Emma to her other arm, steadying herself for what she was about to say. "Ross – we need to talk."
He put up a hand, gesturing for her to stop. "I already know about you and Joey. Monica told me. She and Chandler saw some stuff in your room and overreacted. It's no big thing, ok?"
"That's not –" she began. He interrupted.
"I know you guys kissed. I can understand that. We were on vacation, everyone was drinking and maybe we all got a little too relaxed." He was beginning to talk faster, to over-enunciate, the way he always did when he wasn't being entirely truthful. "A kiss isn't a big deal. It's not like – " he paused, searching for an outrageous comparison "- it's not like you're shacking up with him in front of my daughter!" He laughed at the absurdity of the idea. She forced a laugh as her stomach dropped down to the ground floor, realizing the mess she'd gotten herself into by not being honest with everyone about what had really happened.
Joey is always true to his feelings, she realized. He would have told the truth and dealt with the consequences.
"I'm gonna take off." Ross leaned over and kissed Emma's cheek. "Bye sweetie – Daddy loves you." Emma cooed her response.
"If she needs anything, call me." He turned to the stairs, looking back at Rachel over his shoulder. "Joey has the number."
She nodded, listening to his footsteps disappear before she took Emma back into the apartment.
Joey had taken a pint of mint chocolate-chip ice cream from the freezer and was getting two spoons from the drawer. He looked at Rachel and Emma, and without a word, took Emma's baby spoon from the drawer as well.
"How did that go?" he asked as he passed Rachel the ice cream.
"His apartment was sprayed for pest control today, so he's going to Charlie's to 'work on a paper' and 'crash on her couch' to avoid an allergy attack." Rachel dug out a tiny spoonful of ice cream and fed it to Emma, who smacked appreciatively.
"And we have an overnight guest?" he asked as he took a bite of ice cream.
"Ross gets her tomorrow night." She studied him carefully, sensing that he was unhappy about something. "You don't mind, do you? She goes to bed early, we can still –"
"Woah, woah, woah!" He tossed his spoon down on to the counter. "Not with the baby here. No way."
"You're severely limiting our future sex life with that idea," she said ruefully to him as he walked away from her.
"You don't have s-e-x with the baby in the next room!" He threw himself back into the Barcalounger defiantly.
"Joey, honey, don't you think your parents had sex while you kids were in the house?"
"Aw, why did you have to put that image in my head?" He groaned and buried his face in his hands. Rachel laughed and gave Emma another bite of ice cream.
"It's not funny," he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "We can't let this happen again. I think we need to add a new rule to the pact."
"Come finish your ice cream, and we'll talk about it." She carried Emma over to her playpen and placed her carefully inside before sitting back down at the bar.
"Rule 5 – you're a mom, and that comes first." He looked into her eyes intensely. "I don't want to be the guy who messes up Emma's family."
"You're not messing with anything. Emma's not going to get hurt just because her mom and her Uncle Joey got together. It's better, for her sake, for you to be with me than some random stranger."
He put his spoon down again. "It would be better for her sake for you to be with Ross."
Rachel sighed in frustration.
"If I'm keeping you guys from being a family, I need to pack up and move to Vermont. I never want to be the cause of that."
"You are not keeping Ross and me apart! He and I just don't work together anymore, and I don't think we'd be doing Emma any good to stay together when all we do is fight." She reached across the bar and took his hand as she continued. "I want to be with you, not Ross. You make me happy, not Ross. Just accept that. You're not getting rid of me." She smiled and let go of his hand to stick a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.
"We still need to have this new rule," he said, swallowing the ice cream. "And rule three stands. We're not having another close call like tonight." He pulled his most stern "Dr. Drake" face. "One week, and that's final. If you still want to be together then, we will."
"Shake on it?" She extended her hand.
"Deal." He took her hand in his, shaking it vigorously. She pulled him across the bar and kissed him quickly then pulled back. He pulled her across and kissed her before pulling back again. They both burst out laughing, refusing to stop the across-the-bar tug of war.
~*~*~
Rachel was happy when she walked through her door late the next afternoon. Her first day back at work since Barbados was a good one, made even better by the huge bouquet of lilies that arrived right before lunch. The card read:
Don't worry about dinner tonight, I'll bring home Chinese takeout.
I miss you already.
Love,
J
She had smiled and carefully placed the card in her purse for safekeeping. The lilies had brightened up her desk and reminded her of wonderful things to come all day long.
"How was she today?" she asked Emma's nanny, taking her daughter from Molly for a huge hug and kiss.
"A little angel, just like always. She really loves that swing Joey got for her." Molly got her purse and headed for the door. "Oh, by the way – Ross called and said he may run late, but that he'll definitely be here after dinner to pick her up."
"Thanks Molly," Rachel bounced Emma up and down. "Can you say bye-bye to Molly?"
Emma waved, and Molly waved back before leaving.
Rachel quickly got Emma's dinner ready and attempted to feed her. Throwing food was Emma's latest form of amusement, and Rachel ended up wearing more strained peas than her daughter ate.
"Ok, Miss Geller-Green. Your mom looks like a table cloth, so I'm going to put you in your swing." She put Emma's legs carefully through the holes in the seat and cranked up the swing. "And I'm going to go change before Uncle Joey gets home." Emma was already laughing as the swing went back and forth.
Rachel went into her room and quickly changed into her pajamas. I'm in for the night, why not? She concluded to herself with a smile. They might as well be semi-sexy pajamas.
She was checking her reflection in the mirror when she heard Joey coming in the door and greeting Emma.
She went into the living room as he was removing several cartons of Chinese takeout from their bags and putting them on the bar.
"Hey, you" she said as she rushed into his arms for a kiss.
"I missed you today." He brushed her hair out of her face in a gesture that never failed to make her melt.
"Thank you for the lilies. I'm impressed, you remembered my favorite flower."
"Hey!" His eyebrows shot up. "I brought you lilies on our first date!"
"I know, but a lot of guys don't remember little details like that." She dug into a carton of kung-pow chicken. "You're different, in a very, very good way."
"Hold on a minute, I have something else." He took a small package out of one of the bags and handed it to her. It was beautifully wrapped in paper printed with lilies. "I hope you don't exchange this tomorrow," he said, only half-joking.
Rachel squealed excitedly as she tore off the wrapping. It was a "My Little Pony" doll, in a beautiful shade of bubble gum pink.
"Oh my God, Joey – this is just like –"
"Cotton?" he interjected.
"Yes! My pink pony named Cotton, who had the beautiful mane and tail that I used to comb and braid." Her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe you remembered. I loved Cotton so much, and Jill gave her to LaPooh to use as a chew toy."
He looked at her sheepishly. "Well, you know, I have original Hugsy to sleep with, and Emma has crappy Hugsy – I just thought you should have someone to sleep with too." He gave her a naughty smile. "Until next week, anyway."
"I love it so much!" She put the pony on the floor and threw her arms around him, squeezing him tight. "Thank you," she whispered.
Joey caught the pony up quickly, standing up and raising it over his head. "You promise not to take her back to the store tomorrow?"
"Yes, I promise!" She stood on her tiptoes, reaching for Cotton. "Now gimme it!"
"No, you gotta do better than that." He moved a few steps backwards. "Swear."
"I swear. Give it to me."
"You're gonna have to catch me first." He ran to his room with Rachel in hot pursuit. Emma laughed and clapped her hands, enjoying every minute of the spectacle from her seat in the swing.
Rachel assaulted him with a tickle attack on his ribs, knowing that would bring him to his knees. He dropped Cotton, and she picked it up and ran back into the living room.
"Mommie won!" she declared to Emma.
Joey followed, grabbing her around the waist from behind and lifting her into the air. "Give me the pony!"
Rachel was laughing so hard that it was difficult to breathe, much less speak. "Never!"
He knelt to the floor, laying her on the rug and tickling her. She rolled over and tried to crawl away, but he caught her ankle and succeeded in pulling her sock off.
She was laughing too hard to fight back. "I give in!" She rolled over on her back, panting.
He leaned over, pinning her wrists to the floor. "Swear you won't take it back to the store?" He barely got the words out through his laughter.
"I swear!" He was above her and she found herself staring into his dark eyes. They were both sweaty and messy from romping, but he'd never looked better to her, and she could see that he felt the same way. Still pinning her wrists behind her head, he held himself up on his elbows as he bent down to kiss her, a kiss so passionate that neither of them heard the front door opening and someone coming in.
"Hey Emma! Where's your –" He stopped, seeing Rachel and Joey hastily scrambling off the rug to stand up.
"- mom?" he finished.
It was Ross.
