Chapter 5
Past & Present
Chapter 5: Save Tonight
DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Friends" or any of the characters. But I'd love to own at least one of them.
THE PREMISE: Rachel must choose between her past and her future. Will tragedy be the result?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have had this chapter ready to go for several days, but I had severe uploading problems and couldn't publish it. Sorry for the delay!
The next chapter is almost ready to go and should be up soon. Meanwhile, I have a question for my readers. I posted this one in "Joey's Diary" as well. I have an idea for a short J/R high school fic. If you guys are interested in reading it, I'll make it my next project. Please let me know how you feel about that idea in your review or by email.
I know people either love or hate high school fics, but to my knowledge, no one has done a J/R high school story (if I'm wrong about this, please let me know so I can read it!). I'd love to do it, but only if people want to read it.
As usual, read, review, enjoy, and stay tuned for the next chapter.
~*~*~
Rachel had always heard about people under duress seeing their entire lives flashing before them, but never until that instant had she experienced it herself.
"You're – you're what?" she stammered. Surely she had heard him wrong.
"I've decided," he said slowly and deliberately, as if she were a child who couldn't comprehend his words, "to seek custody of Emma."
"No, you're not." She felt a surge of authority as she addressed him. This was too ridiculous an idea for anyone, even Ross with his - often misguided - sense of right and wrong, to pursue.
"Yes, I am." His tone was flat and without anger. The realization of his seriousness hit her with the force of a blow. This wasn't a plan hatched in the heat of jealous anger. This was Ross at his logical, methodical, unemotional worst.
Rachel's stomach turned. Her hands grew cold. An image of herself carrying Emma into a courtroom flashed through her mind. She knew that her life was about to be divided into "before" and "after" in one clean cut. The knowledge filled her with sickening fear.
She opened her mouth to speak, but words wouldn't form. Ross sat on the barstool motionless, watching her like a cat at a mouse hole. She swallowed back her panic and tried to speak again.
"Why?" The word came out in a shaky breath.
Ross shrugged. "I think I can give her a better home."
Rachel's mouth fell open in outrage at his posturing. It took several seconds for her to reply. "You're not really going to pretend that's your reason, are you?"
"I don't need another reason. I am the only one acting like a responsible parent here."
"How have I been irresponsible? By daring to finally move on from our relationship? Because I have to tell you, Ross – that won't hold up in court."
"I think any judge will see that she's better off living with her financially stable father than – " He stopped, turning his attention to Emma, who sat quietly on the floor.
"Than what?"
"Than with her mother, who doesn't even have her own apartment and is more interested in her love life than in being a parent."
"Just say it. Admit that the real reason, the only reason you're doing this, is Joey."
"A man with his history with women has no business living with an unrelated female child."
"It was fine for him to live with an 'unrelated female child' until last weekend, though, right?" Her eyes narrowed. "Why the sudden change of heart, Ross?"
"Because – It's Joey, for God's sake! I don't want him dating Emma as soon as she turns sixteen!" The first spark of anger heated his face.
"And you don't want me dating him, ever."
"Do you know what I said to Monica, the day that Joey told me how he felt about you?" He paused, waiting for her response. When she remained silent, he continued. "The first thing I said – my first concern – was that I didn't want him to be Emma's stepfather."
Rachel threw her hands up. "He's not her stepfather! He and I are just – exploring our feelings."
"Yes, I saw you exploring your feelings that night on the rug while Emma watched. You can explore all you want when my daughter moves out."
"My daughter isn't going anywhere." She picked Emma up and took a step back from Ross.
"You can have her tonight. I'll give Molly the day off and you can keep Emma over here today. But she's coming home with me tomorrow." His smug assumption of victory infuriated Rachel.
"Why can't you be happy for Joey and me? Why do you want to put Emma through this?"
His eyes were like cold steel. "I refuse to make the same mistake twice."
"That makes less sense than anything you've said this morning."
"I handed Ben over to Carol because I was too young to know better." His face took on the expression of bitter sadness that it always wore when he talked about his first wife. "Susan has been a bigger part of his life than I'll ever be. I didn't take her relationship with Carol seriously back then. If I'd known how long it would last, that she would take over my role in my son's life, I would have fought like hell to hang on to Ben."
Carol screwed him up for life, Rachel thought to herself before answering him. "But Ross – I'm not Carol and Joey isn't Susan."
He interrupted her. "No, it's worse. At least Susan isn't another guy. Joey can slide right into my shoes and pretty soon, I won't have a daughter anymore."
"That's never going to happen. Joey would never allow that."
"Yeah, well, Joey was never going to tell you how he felt, and he was never going to act on it, and in my wildest dreams you were never going to end up with him." He frowned at painful memories only he could see. "I've learned to expect the unexpected."
She tried a different approach, softening her tone. "We decided when I was pregnant that we didn't need a custody agreement. That we'd be flexible and work it out between ourselves, without lawyers and judges."
"As you once said – this is the opposite of working out." His mouth twisted sourly.
"Is dragging your daughter into court really the answer?" Her voice was getting louder and higher.
"There isn't another answer. I want her to live with me, and I know you're not going to just hand her over. I don't have any choice."
Rachel suddenly felt lightheaded. He was actually going to do this to her, to Emma, to all of them.
He continued, carefully holding himself in check as he spoke. "We can make this easy or we can make this hard. You can have a meeting with my lawyer and we can decide the terms ourselves. Or you can fight me and a judge will decide for us."
She exhaled slowly, fighting for control over her turbulent feelings.
"Face it, Rach. I pay for almost everything she needs. I pay most of Molly's salary. I have my own apartment and I don't share it with some womanizing soap opera star. I've been a responsible father to both of my children. Any court is going to see me as the more fit parent."
She made one last appeal, throwing herself on his mercies. "Ross, please. If you ever loved me – and I know you did – don't do this to me. Let me be happy, for once."
At the sight of her beseeching eyes, a memory flickered through his mind of a morning long ago. He had begged for her forgiveness, an absolution that she had yet to grant him.
"It isn't about you this time, Rachel." He stood up, gazing down at her with a calm resolve that shook her to the core. "It's about Emma. What's best for her. A concept you aren't able to understand." He walked to the door, turning to look at her again as he opened it.
"I'll be back for her tomorrow morning. Think about what I said." He let himself out so quietly that the Magna Doodle hanging on the door failed to make its usual swinging movement. Rachel and Emma were left alone in the deafening quiet.
~*~*~
Rachel became aware some minutes later that she was laying on her bed, her dress crumpled carelessly, dampened from the cold sweat of anxiety. Emma sat in her crib nearby, examining Cotton and occasionally telling the small pony secrets in her baby dialect that only toys could understand.
The tears hadn't come yet. Rachel wondered when they would strike her, where she'd be when the enormity of this would register clearly in her thoughts. One thing she knew – she didn't want to be alone when it happened.
Her first thought was Joey. Like the distant glow of a lighthouse to a shipwrecked traveler, the thought of Joey's protective arms around her beckoned irresistibly. She snatched the phone from her bedside table, punching in the first digits of his cell phone number. She stopped suddenly, seeing the clock out of the corner of her eye. It was still early. He would be on the set, probably shooting. His scenes with "Olivia" took all of his concentration and he prepared for them at length. She couldn't bring herself to disrupt him. She knew she'd cry the moment she heard his voice, and shooting schedule or not, he'd come home to her. No, she had to find someone else.
Monica and Chandler. Right across the hall. She stood up, smoothing her dress and hair. Monica would understand. She wouldn't take Ross' side when he was this far out of line.
Wait, she told herself. I can't dump this on her – she's probably eating saltines and fighting morning sickness. She doesn't need to be upset, not with the baby.
She briefly considered calling her mother, then decided against it. She wasn't in any mood to explain her new relationship to the overly critical Sandra.
Phoebe. She drew a ragged breath as she picked up the phone again. Phoebe could always be counted on to side with Joey against anyone and anything. Rachel dialed Phoebe's number, tapping her fingernails anxiously on the bedside table while it rang.
"Hello?" a male voice came over the line.
"Is Phoebe there?" she asked hesitantly.
"No she's not. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know where I could reach her?" Rachel felt another wave of panic wash over her. If Phoebe were out of pocket, she'd have nowhere left to turn.
"Who is this?"
"This is Rachel. Is that you, Mike?"
"Yep, it's me. Phoebe had some early appointments then she was going shopping with Alice and the kids for school clothes. Don't know when she'll be back."
"Oh, " Rachel couldn't stop the quiver of unshed tears from entering her voice. "I guess I'll let you go, Mike." A strangled sob broke free from her chest. "Thanks." She was about to hang up.
"Rachel, wait." He paused, deliberating with himself about whether or not to inquire. "Is everything ok?"
Rachel let a breath out that ended in a choked cry. "No. Everything is about as far from ok as it can get."
Mike's voice was warm. "Is there anything I can do to help? I mean, I know we don't know each other that well, but –"
"It's just this mess with Ross," she said, surprised at how much she was wanted to tell Mike, to unburden herself to someone, anyone.
"Ross and a mess. Somehow, that's not hard to picture." She heard a smile in his voice. "What kind of mess?"
She sighed long and hard. "A custody mess."
"Ah, custody. Parents trying to prove how much they love their kids by ripping each other to pieces." She could almost hear his eyes rolling over the phone line. "Yet another reason why I prefer piano to the practice of law."
Rachel imagined a light bulb materializing above her head. "That's right, you're a lawyer." An idea appeared in the muddled sea of her thoughts with sudden clarity.
"I was a lawyer. And I don't recommend it to anyone as a career choice."
"Do you know anything about custody stuff?"
"I know enough to help a scared friend who needs fast answers."
"Could I interest you in a cup of coffee?" She held her breath, praying he'd say yes.
"Central Perk?"
"Can you be there in 20 minutes?" She looked at her clock again, noting the time.
"I'll see you there. Save me a scone."
Rachel hung up then quickly dialed the number for her office. Her assistant answered perkily.
"Rachel Green's office, may I help you?"
"Hey, it's me," Rachel said, commanding herself to stay focused. "I won't be in today. Something came up."
"Nothing serious, I hope?"
"I'll explain later. I've got a meeting with my lawyer." Rachel hung up the phone and went to the closet to remove Emma's stroller.
~*~*~
Mike leaned back on the orange sofa in Central Perk, a far-away look of concentration on his face. "From what you've said, my best guess is that he is going to do this, and to hell with the toll it takes on everyone else."
Rachel put her untouched cup of tea down on the coffee table. "Do you think he's going to win?" She tensed at the thought.
"If I were you, I wouldn't let it get to that point." Mike rumpled his hair thoughtfully. "He has some strong elements to his case. He is a good provider with a stable career and home life. While you – " he paused uncertainly. "No offense, but – you have a questionable living situation right now, and aren't carrying the financial burden of parenthood like Ross is. A court challenge is going to be messy and nasty." He looked at Rachel, compassion in his eyes. "If there is any way to avoid going to court with this, you owe it to yourself to try."
"How do I avoid it? When Ross gets a hold of something, he never lets go." The phrase 'We were on a break!' echoed through her mind painfully.
"First, try to appease him. Find out what he really wants out of this and make a deal with him. Sacrifice a little time with Emma, make him happy – give him a sense of control."
Rachel nodded.
"Meanwhile, work on finding your own place. Keep Emma out of your situation with Joey. Let Ross cool off. If he's still beating the war drum, I'll help you find the best lawyer in the city and we'll take it from there."
She buried her face in her hands. "Finding my own place – it's like starting over." She pushed back the thought of Joey's reaction to her leaving.
"Rachel, look – if you end up in front of a judge, every aspect of your personal life will be on display and under scrutiny. Is it really worth it?"
"My personal life? I'm not the one who's been divorced three times and fired from my job over a turkey sandwich!"
Mike was both puzzled and amused. "Obviously, I missed something about the turkey sandwich. And yeah, they're going to bring up everything in his personal life too. The bottom line is, it's going to get ugly for everyone."
Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, wishing that this could all just evaporate like the steam rising from her teacup. Mike's voice brought her back to reality.
"And the worst part is – you might lose."
It took only one glance at Mike to prove that he meant what he said. "I'll start looking for my own place today." She took a sip of her tea, amazed that it could taste the same when the rest of her world lay in shambles around her. "I get to tear my life to shreds over Ross' jealousy. Again."
"Not to disagree with you, but – to me, this doesn't sound like it's about jealousy."
"Well, you don't know Ross very well then."
"You're right, I don't. But I do know the subject matter. To me, it sounds like a guy who lost his first kid to his wife's new partner, and isn't going to go down without a fight for the second kid."
"But why now?" Her eyes silently pleaded with Mike for insight.
"Because Joey's a real threat to him. Maybe he thought the door was still open for the two of you to get back together. You being with Joey probably closed that door to him for good. He knows he's lost you, and he's afraid you're going to take Emma away, too."
She recalled something he'd said to that effect the night he'd caught her with Joey. "He said almost those exact words," she said to herself as much as to Mike. She raised her head and gave him a weak smile. "You've been so great about this. Is there any way I can repay you?"
"I bill by the hour," he said with a wry smile before taking a sip of his coffee. "Actually, there is one thing you could do." He peered into his oversized cup as if it contained all of the answers to life's mysteries.
"What's that?"
He cut his eyes at Rachel slyly, a mischievous smile on his face. "You can help me pick out a ring for Phoebe."
~*~*~
Half an hour later, Rachel set out across the street, pushing Emma's stroller ahead of her. Determination had solidified in her nerves like cement. She would play his game and let him think he was winning, if that's what it took. She wasn't willing to lose her daughter.
The problem was, she wasn't willing to lose Joey either.
Within minutes she and Emma were at Ross' door. She rallied strength from some inner reserve that she was barely aware of possessing and knocked sharply on his door. She had mentally reviewed his class schedule on the way over and knew he should be home.
He answered the door quickly, a copy of National Geographic still in his hand. His face plainly showed his surprise at seeing her.
Rachel tossed her head back. She wasn't about to let him see that he'd almost broken her again.
"All right, Ross. I'm willing to negotiate. Let's deal."
~*~*~
The sun was just beginning to set when Joey came home. Rachel was in the room she shared with Emma when she heard him coming through the door. She had begun to sort through her belongings after returning from Ross' apartment. It seemed to her that everything began and ended with sorting. Whatever life handed you, there was endless stuff, waiting to be sorted before you could take the next step.
She heard Joey talking to Emma, picking her up from her playpen in the living room. Rachel stepped out of her room, hurriedly shutting the door behind her so that he couldn't see what she was doing in her room.
He smiled happily at her. "Emma and me were just talking about dinner. Any suggestions?"
Rachel shoved all thoughts of Ross and the coming calamity down into the deepest recesses of her mind. Joey read her too easily and she wasn't ready to tell him. Not yet.
"Hmm. What are you in the mood for?"
"I don't know. We could stay here and order takeout, I guess."
Too quiet, she told herself. We need noise and distractions. Aloud she said, "What about that burger place you love so much, the one with all the arcade games?"
"We don't have to go there. Why don't we go downstairs and grab a muffin for now?"
"No, no. I really want a burger." Anything but the coffee house.
Within minutes, Rachel, Joey, and Emma were headed out for Joey's favorite burger joint. She knew the arcade games would keep him busy, giving her time to regain her composure. The agreement she'd made with Ross never left her mind for a second. She was doing the only thing she could do for Emma and for herself. Ross had left her with no other options. But as she watched Joey happily defeating a pinball game, his face illuminated by the garish lighting of the machine, she wondered once again why she'd been given a taste of paradise, only to lose it.
~*~*~
It was Rachel's good luck that Joey had to study his lines for the rest of the evening. She suspected that Mike had told Phoebe everything. Nothing else would account for her absence, under the circumstances. Monica and Chandler were spending their evenings pouring over decorating magazines, planning a color scheme for the soon-to-be nursery. Rachel occupied herself with Emma, occasionally filling in as "Olivia" when Joey asked.
Once she caught him looking at her over the top of his script, his brows knitting themselves together as he studied her face. She gave him a half-hearted smile.
"How's everything with Ross?" he asked cautiously.
"Oh, well – you know Ross," she said vaguely. "He's still a little mad at us." Joey looked alarmed at her words. "Don't worry," she said emphatically, surprised at how easily the deception came. "I'll work it out with him."
With a satisfied nod, Joey turned back to his lines.
He always trusts me, she thought to herself. Even when he knows I'm lying, he chooses to believe I'm not.
The thought didn't ease the pain. She knew she was about to hurt him like no one ever had before.
~*~*~
Joey had collapsed in his bed earlier, shortly after Emma had gone to sleep, leaving Rachel with private time. By the faint gleam of the nightlight, she'd continued sorting, hoping to find an answer somewhere in the tangled mess of her belongings.
Standing wearily from the pile of shoes on the floor, she walked to Emma's crib. She never grew tired of watching her baby sleeping peacefully. Her soft breathing was such a reassuring sound. She resisted the urge to reach into the crib and stroke the soft, fine head full of hair that was growing in so quickly. Her beautiful baby, the biggest surprise of her life – other than Joey. She'd wanted to be a good mother so desperately. Was she already a failure?
She heaved a huge sigh.
Time go to go bed myself, she thought with unexpected sadness. As she began to turn down the Ralph Lauren quilt that covered her bed, she stopped suddenly. For so long, she'd been sleeping alone. In that moment, facing an empty bed again seemed unbearable. Almost instinctively, she looked in the direction of Joey's room.
No, no, no - not now. Not the right time. Not like this.
They couldn't take such a big step on the spur of the moment. She sighed again and climbed into her bed, burying her face in the pillow. Immediately, she began tossing and turning. She couldn't seem to get comfortable. She rolled over to the middle of the bed.
Sleeping alone had advantages, right? Like sleeping in the middle of the bed, she thought, the middle of an empty, lonely bed.
She lay there flat on her back for several minutes, examining her feelings. What did she really want? The answer was simple: to be with someone who loved her. To be comforted, for someone to tell her everything was going to turn out right and to stop worrying.
She wanted Joey.
Throwing back the covers, she got out of her bed and leaving her door carefully ajar so that she could still hear Emma, she walked to Joey's room. She paused before turning the knob, considering what she was going to say to him. She remembered with affectionate amusement that he'd stopped sleeping in the buff since she and Emma had moved back in. For such a ladies man, he was unusually circumspect about protecting Emma from anything he considered improper. He'd quietly gone out five days after they'd moved back in and bought himself some plaid boxers and t –shirts. He'd slept in them every night since.
Rachel took a deep breath and opened his door. In the darkness she could barely see his form underneath the blanket. There wasn't a sound in the room other than his heavy breathing, indicating a deep sleep. She walked quietly to the bed and, pushing the ever present Hugsy aside, sat down opposite him.
Stroking his muscled upper arm softly, she whispered his name. "Joey? Joey - wake up, sweetie."
He turned his head to face her, squinting his eyes. Blinking, he whispered "Hey, baby" and smiled a certain smile that Rachel knew was for her only. No one else in the world got to see that smile.
"Is everything ok?" he whispered, reaching out to take her hand.
"Yes, yes – everything is fine, but –" she paused, an uncertain expression on her face.
"What is it? Tell me." He squeezed her hand gently.
"I know we haven't – haven't – " she stopped, flustered. "We haven't exactly passed certain – certain milestones - in our relationship."
"We agreed to wait a week." He raised an eyebrow at her suggestively. "Week's up, tomorrow." He squeezed her hand, believing that he knew the purpose of her midnight visit. "Is that why you're here?" She detected more than a hint of eagerness in his voice.
"No, but -" She stopped, reflecting on what he'd said. The week was up tomorrow. That changed her plan for the next day somewhat. "Is there any reason why I can't sleep in here with you tonight? You know, just – sleep?"
"I'll do my best to control myself." He moved over in the bed. "But no promises." He was smiling as he patted the empty space beside him for her to fill.
"I just want it to be right, when it's finally our time, you know? I want it to be the right time, for the right reasons – not something that just sort of happens because I had a tough day and needed affection. Is that all right with you?" she asked, laying down beside him and folding herself into his embrace.
"Sure it is." He considered her words for a moment. "I've never waited for the right time with anyone before. It's like a first for me. I guess I'm a little nervous." He was quiet for a few seconds. "More than a little, actually."
She gasped in mock surprise. "Joey Tribbiani is nervous about a girl?"
"Don't tell anybody," he said jokingly before he continued. "You see, this is no ordinary girl. I am totally, completely in love with this particular girl. So if she says we need to wait for the right time, I'll be a good boy and wait. Even if she is sleeping right beside me, looking really hot in her pajamas." He pulled at the ties of her drawstring waistband playfully.
"If we went for it right now, it wouldn't be the right reasons. We've waiting this long, we might as well make it special." She pressed herself against him, wanting to be as close as she could get. "Goodnight, Joey." She tilted her face up to his and kissed him on the cheek.
"It will be special, I can promise you that." He returned her kiss and closed his eyes for a moment.
"Why did you have a tough day?" He asked abruptly, as if it were an afterthought.
"Oh, nothing," she lied. "Just some work stuff."
He accepted this explanation without question. "Nite, Rachel. "
The quiet of the night stole across the apartment. There was one more thing he wanted to say, even if she wasn't ready to say it back.
"I love you," he whispered.
She gave all appearances of being asleep.
It was the last peaceful night they would share for a long time. Tomorrow she would face the task of telling him that she was moving back in with Ross.
A/N: This isn't the end. I'll have the next chapter up soon. Please review and also answer the question posted in the Author's Note at the top of the page. Thanks!
