Past & Present

Chapter 9: No One Ever Is To Blame

DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Friends" or any of the characters. In my head, I own Joey and a pink corvette, but that's another story.

THE PREMISE: Rachel must choose between her past and her future. Will tragedy be the result?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: At long last, the new chapter! I'm really sorry to inflict an 8,000 word chapter on you guys, but there was no way to split it into two chapters. I tried, but it just wouldn't work. It nearly got shelved, because the spoiler from hell (which I have posted in my bio section for those of you who are interested) had me pretty discouraged. But thanks to an encouraging note from Kristine and a very nice male reader, I decided to get back in the swing of things. By the way, don't freak over the spoiler. I'd say there's a 50% chance that it's bogus.

As for this chapter, I need to address two points. First, about Ross and Phoebe: the overwhelming majority of readers who contacted me about this were pleased that I gave them a subplot. While it makes for longer chapters, it doesn't take "story time" away from J/R at all. The R/P story fits in with J/R and will help their story to develop.

The other thing is…yeah, this Lydia thing is scary. Hey, it scares me and I'm the one writing it! But good love stories thrive on conflict…so please, be patient with me about this.

Also, I am doing a test drive on my J/R high school story. It's called "Just For Tonight", and I would greatly appreciate your reviews on it.

The song used in this piece is "No One Ever Is To Blame" by Howard Jones…ten points for the first reader who is old enough to actually remember this one…

And finally, I swear the next chapter will be shorter! I apologize for the length of this one!

Read, review, and enjoy!

~*~*~

You can look at the menu

But you just can't eat

You can feel the cushion

But you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool

But you can't have a swim

You can feel the punishment

But you can't commit the sin

And you want her

And she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her

And she wants you

No one, no one

No one ever is to blame

~*~*~

"Yep, it's me!" Lydia laughed.

"I can't believe it! How long has it been?" Joey engulfed Lydia in a hug.

"Eight years," she answered promptly.

"How is –" he paused, remembering that he had never learned her daughter's name. "- the baby?"

"The baby," she said with a proud smile, "is eight years old."

Joey shook his head in disbelief. "Sit down, let me get you some coffee." He signaled Gunther for a cup of coffee before joining Lydia on the orange sofa.

"Eight years old. What does she look like?"

"Wait! I have a picture." Lydia took her wallet from her purse and flipped it open to reveal a photo of her daughter. "This is Jessica – school picture from this year."

Joey studied the photo with awe. "She looks exactly like you…she's beautiful."

Lydia, sensing a compliment in his words, blushed and put her wallet away. "I hope that's a good thing."

"She sure doesn't look anything like her father," Joey said, recalling how he'd caught a glimpse of Lydia's estranged boyfriend when he showed up unexpectedly at the hospital.

"Wait – you never met him. Or did you? I was a little out of it that day…"

Joey looked at his shoes, suddenly shy. "I, uh – I sort of came back to bring you and the baby – Jessica – some stuff, and he was sitting on the bed with you, so I took off." He shrugged, embarrassed.

"I always wondered why you just left the balloons at the door instead of bringing them in yourself." If Joey had glanced up at that moment and seen the expression in Lydia's eyes, he might have understood how long she'd waited to know the answer to that question.

"You know…he was the father, not me. A guy has to step aside at moments like that." Lydia watched his expression change from embarrassed to wistful.

"Wow, I can't believe you're really going to do my web site!" Joey refocused himself, trying to recapture the lighter mood of a few minutes before. "How did you get into this? You were an office temp when we met."

"Oh boy, where do I start…" Lydia gazed the ceiling, remembering. "Jessica's dad married a Hooter's waitress six weeks after I had his baby…"

"What an loser!" Joey interrupted with venom in his eyes.

"You're damn right he's a loser. I was left with no money, nowhere to go - nothing. So my mom – you remember her?" Joey nodded. "She started watching Jess for me while I went back to work. The office where I was temping went computerized. I learned everything I could about it on that job."

"You're so smart!" Joey smiled admiringly. "For a Celtics fan..."

"Woah, drop it with the Celtics crap." Joey laughed as she continued. "I ended up temping for a web design firm about two years later, when the whole dot com revolution was starting to take off."

Joey nodded sagely, making a mental note to ask Chandler what the hell a dot com revolution was.

"I learned all the tricks of the trade from the guys at that firm. Pretty soon they were giving me their extra work, letting me update sites for them and stuff. They gave me an old computer to use at home, so I could stay home with Jessica and work at the same time. That was years ago, and I'm still with them."

"You really made something of yourself." Joey reached over and patted her hand. "I'm so proud of you!"

Lydia glowed from his praise, mentally recounting all the times she'd taken the tiny florist's card signed "Love, Joey" out from Jessica's baby book, wishing she could see him again.

Finally, after eight years. Eight years of seeing his face on TV and kicking herself for letting him get away. The man who had supported her during the most difficult day she'd ever known.

I wasn't wrong about us, Lydia thought with relief. We're bonded for life. Nothing can change that.

It was all worth it for that moment. She gave his hand a grateful squeeze and returned his smile.

~*~*~

This is going to work out. Emma and I will get our own place, and I'll really be on my own, Rachel told herself, feeling more confident with every step. She pushed open the door to the coffee house with her foot.

Where did I put my cash? Rachel pulled a $5.00 from her purse and turned to the counter.

"Three blueberry muffins to go?" Gunther nodded his response. And then she heard it.

"I'm so proud of you!"

She turned around at the sound of Joey's voice, blinking at what was the sight of her worst nightmare materializing before her eyes.

Joey was seated on the sofa beside an absolutely beautiful woman. They were leaning close to each other, only separated by a few inches. Apparently absorbed in what could only be an intimate conversation, his stylishly tousled ink-black hair was almost touching the woman's shiny chestnut mane.

He was smiling at this stranger, his eyes softened with emotion.

That's the way he smiles at me. Rachel fought against her painfully rapid heartbeat as she glanced at the tiny space left between the cozy twosome where their hands met. Every ounce of intuition she possessed was screaming to be heard. This wasn't some random pick-up. This unknown female was someone very, very important to him.

Rachel took a step closer, her worst fears confirmed. Please don't touch her – please…

The woman's small hand was lost inside Joey's much larger grip.

Her first instinct was to escape, to put as much distance as possible between herself and the sight of another woman occupying her place beside Joey. The threat of an uncontrollable outburst of agonized tears was imminent.

Rachel backed away slowly, unable to tear her eyes away from Joey's face as he interacted with whoever she was.

"Watch it!" Rachel turned around to see the angry face of a man who she'd backed into and caused to spill coffee on both of them, leaving a messy stain on her white track suit.

"Oh - I'm so sorry!" She froze in horror as Joey, hearing her apologies, snapped his head around and saw her.

He jumped up from the sofa. "Rachel!"

The unknown woman fixed her intricately made-up eyes on Rachel. "You know her?"

The question was directed at Joey. Rachel cast her eyes upon him, demanding him to acknowledge her.

"Rach, come here, I want you to meet someone." He beckoned to her nervously. "Rachel, this is Lydia. She's going to design my web site, you know, for - for the show and everything."

Rachel stared at Lydia. Her mouth refused to form the words of polite greeting that she was expected to say.

"Lydia, this – this is my…" He bit back the word 'girlfriend'. "This is my friend Rachel." The word friend felt like a slap to Rachel. It was a denial of every moment that had passed between the two of them, a betrayal of the promises they'd made.

Lydia flashed a 100-watt smile and extended a perfectly manicured hand. "Nice to meet you, Rachel."

Rachel took the hand offered to her as if it were a rattlesnake. "So…web designer?"

Joey and Lydia nodded in unison.

"Do you always take such a personal interest in your clients?" Rachel forced a chuckle. "Mix a little business with pleasure, huh Lydia?"

Lydia's eyes were as innocent as a doe in the forest. "Oh, Joey and I go way back. We have quite an interesting history." A smile crossed her lips that didn't reach her eyes. "Tell her, Joey."

Joey's eyes darted from Rachel to Lydia and back again. His face wore the expression it always did when his thought process wasn't moving as fast as the situation required.

"You see…Lydia had a baby…" He began. Rachel looked at him uncomprehendingly. The light of inspiration suddenly shone through and he spoke with more clarity. "You remember the day Ben was born, I spent all day with that single mom who was having her baby alone?"

Rachel nodded, moving her gaze from Joey to Lydia as her stomach twisted. She remembered his infatuation with the woman very well, almost as vividly as she remembered his disappointment about having to step away when the baby's father returned later that day. Surely this couldn't be…

"Lydia was the woman who had the baby!" Joey beamed, his eyes begging Rachel to share his enthusiasm.

Something too painful to bear was coiling itself around Rachel's heart, strangling her. "And now you're back." Her tone was flat as she took stock of Lydia's fashionable attire and striking Italian looks, so different from her own.

But so much like him. The hint of a Queens accent in the back of Lydia's voice hadn't escaped Rachel's attention.

"Yeah – Lydia!" Joey, sensing Rachel's reaction, was desperate to smooth things over. "Tell Rachel how you got hooked up with me to do the web site!"

"Hooked up?" Sarcasm tinted Rachel's words. "Interesting choice of words, Joe."

"My daughter and I have been following Joey's career for years. I've always told her that he was the one who helped her to be born…"

"They have every episode of "Mac & C.H.E.E.S.E." on tape!" Joey interrupted with excitement.

"That is devotion." Rachel knew she sounded hostile, but it was a better alternative than crying or throwing hot coffee in Lydia's face.

"I tried to get in touch with him for a long time, but it just never worked out…"

Rachel remained silent, trying to squelch the feeling of impending doom that was slowly overtaking her.

"…then I saw an article about him in Soap Opera Digest and it mentioned Estelle by name…"

Rachel nodded. She and Joey had toasted the article's debut with champagne. She never suspected that it would come back to haunt her in such a nauseating way.

"So…I did some checking around and found out that he didn't have a web site…sent Estelle a proposal about doing a one…she called me back and said yes…and here we are!"

"Here we are," Joey repeated.

Here we are. Rachel had a flashback to the night when she'd last heard that phrase coming from Joey's mouth.

Rachel: So you were saying?

Joey: I'm not quite sure.

Rachel: Okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and I said, "Eight years." And the waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and…now here we are.

Joey: Yeah, here we are. Uh… I… I think I'm…falling in love with you.

"Here we are," she heard herself saying in a far-away voice.

"Rachel?" Gunther called from behind the counter, holding up a paper bag. "Your muffins?"

Monica. Upstairs, waiting on her muffins. "I completely forgot!" She covered her distress with a laugh. "Monica is waiting on those muffins – I better get them to her right now."

"Rachel…please stay," Joey said softly. She saw the hurt and disappointment in his eyes and almost relented. But Lydia, who looked as if she were counting the seconds until Rachel departed, convinced her otherwise.

"You know how Monica gets when she's hungry…" Rachel strode to the counter and took the bag from Gunther, affecting an air of carelessness she was far from feeling. "You two have a great time catching up!" She gave Lydia a fake smile. "Welcome back!"

~*~*~

Somehow, the world kept turning.

Somehow, she was climbing the stairs.

Somehow, she remembered to turn the knob and walk into Monica's apartment as if she hadn't seen Joey looking at another woman the way he always looked at her.

"Got your muffins," she said brightly to Monica, who was still seated at the table with her glass of milk.

Monica thanked her and opened the bag, selecting a muffin and taking a bite. "Where's your paper?"

Rachel went blank for a second. "Paper?"

"You said you were going to check out the roommate ads?"

"Oh yeah." Seeing Joey with Lydia had pushed all thoughts of buying a paper out of her mind. "I got distracted…"

"Ran into Joey, huh?" Monica began working on her second muffin.

"You might say that." Rachel got a diet soda from the fridge and debated mentioning Lydia.

"Hold that thought." Monica stood up and headed for the bathroom. "I thought this constant peeing stuff didn't start until second trimester."

"Just wait, it gets much worse."

Monica giggled and closed the bathroom door behind her. Within seconds, her piercing scream sliced through the air.

Rachel ran to the bathroom door. "Monica! What is it?"

"Come look at this!" Monica cried.

Rachel went into the bathroom and saw what there was to see. She crossed the room in triple time, throwing open the door to Monica and Chandler's bedroom.

"Chandler, get up! Monica's bleeding!"

He sat up in bed, hair mussed, eyes half shut.

"She's bleeding! We've got to get her to the hospital now!"

Chandler hit the ground running and beat Rachel back to the living room. Monica already had her coat on and was holding her shoes.

"I'll get a cab." Chandler grabbed his jacket and went for the door.

"No! In this weather it'll take too long – go get the Porsche from the garage." She snatched the keys from her purse and tossed him the keys. Rachel knelt down and helped Monica into her shoes. Chandler was already out the door.

Monica was breathing rapidly, her eyes dilated with panic.

"Mon – you've got to stay calm for the baby's sake, ok?" Rachel helped her up from the chair. "Oh God - you don't need to take the stairs." Rachel stifled her own fear on Monica's behalf. "I have to get Emma into her coat."

"There's no other way to get downstairs." Monica stood up. "We'll walk slow and I'll lean on you." She opened the door, revealing the door to Joey's apartment.

Joey. Still downstairs.

"Hold on," Rachel commanded. She grabbed the phone and dialed Joey's cell number.

~*~*~

Lydia took a folder from her briefcase and passed it to Joey. "Estelle sent these to me…which one do you want to use for your home page?"

Joey opened it and leafed through the half dozen headshots. "I don't know. Which one do you like best?"

Lydia threw him a coy smile, inching closer to him on the sofa. "You're asking the wrong person. I think they're all great."

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted them. "Just a sec," he apologized to Lydia before answering.

"Hello?"

Rachel's words came out in a frantic rush. "Joey, Monica's bleeding and we have to take her to the hospital right now and Chandler went to get the car and I have to carry Emma and I need you to help me get Monica downstairs –"

"On my way." He jumped off the couch and turned to Lydia. "I gotta take off – my friend - she needs to go to the hospital ."

"The one who was here before?"

"No, another one." He began walking away.

"You sure got a lot of female friends," she commented.

"I'll call you and we'll get together later and work on this." He put on his jacket in one movement.

"Maybe over dinner tonight?" Her voice was hopeful.

"Maybe." He ran for the door and stopped. "I don't have your number!"

"Estelle has it."

He ran out with a wave to her over his shoulder.

~*~*~

Monica and Rachel were sitting side by side on the couch, holding on to each other when Joey burst in, out of breath from racing up the stairs two at a time.

His eyes met Rachel's over Monica's head. Rachel shot him a look of sheer terror that would have gone unnoticed by anyone else but which he understood perfectly. He gave her an almost imperceptible shake of his head before facing Monica.

"Come on, Mon. Joey's here for you." He took her hands and pulled her up slowly. "Can you put your arms around my neck?"

Monica whispered a yes and complied. Joey lifted her from the floor with ease. Rachel picked up Emma and ran ahead to open the door.

"Now, I've seen every kind of weird pregnancy thing there is to see between my sisters and Rachel," Joey was saying as he made his way to the hall. "And this is going to be fine. Ok?"

Monica nodded wearily. Rachel closed the door behind them.

"Ross –" Monica looked at Rachel urgently.

"I called him on my way up, and he's going to call your parents." Joey answered. "We'll call Phoebe on the way over."

"You took care of everything." Monica leaned her head against him and closed her eyes tightly as they descended the stairs.

Also good in crisis. Rachel added one more item to her list of reasons why she was unwilling to let him go.

~*~*~

Rachel shifted on the hard plastic chair beneath her. The cold, alcohol scented waiting room of the ER was disturbingly sterile. Emma was asleep on Rachel's lap, pinning her in an uncomfortable position. Joey wrapped his hand around hers, leaning back in the chair beside her.

"Calm down," he whispered. "She's going to be all right."

"But what if she isn't?" Rachel drew a ragged breath and squeezed Joey's hand so hard that it hurt. "If she loses this baby, I don't know what she – or any of us – will do."

"Come here." He put a comforting arm around her. She willingly fell into his embrace, savoring the comfort he brought her. She felt certain, in that instant, that there was nothing between him and Lydia. She was just being paranoid. No one could hold her that way and have feelings for another woman.

"Where's my sister?" Ross stormed in, pale and haggard, his eyes concealed behind black sunglasses.

"The doctor ordered an ultrasound and an amnio…Chandler is back there with her." Rachel reluctantly broke away from Joey as she spoke.

"Dude, what's with the shades?" Joey asked.

"Nothing…I, uh…have a headache today." Ross slid down in his chair and hung his head.

Rachel was about to offer him some of the asprin she had in her purse when sound of jangling earrings and bangle bracelets clanking together announced Phoebe's arrival. Her long blonde hair was pulled back with a barrette. Like Ross, she wore dark sunglasses.

"Again with the shades," Joey commented.

"Yeah, how about we stop talking about my choice of eyewear and you tell me what's wrong with Monica?" Phoebe dropped into the second chair down from Ross and leaned forward as Rachel explained what had happened.

"Hangover," Joey snickered to Rachel when she finished filling Phoebe in.

"So…we just sit here and wait?" Phoebe sat back and swung her foot impatiently.

"I think that's why they call it the waiting room," Ross answered, giving Phoebe an expectant stare.

She refused to participate in their usual banter.

Emma's eyes flew open and she began to scream. Rachel sighed and stood up. "I need to take her for a walk." She got her purse, looking expectantly at Ross, who didn't seem to notice her. Why isn't he offering to go with me?

Rather than eagerly joining Rachel to take Emma for a breather, Ross scooted over to fill the vacant seat between himself and Phoebe. As if on cue, Phoebe moved down to the next seat, again placing an empty seat between her and Ross.

Joey assessed the situation and made his move. "Why uh…why don't I go with you?" His eyes widened as he waited for Ross to react.

Instead of surging out of his chair to disrupt Rachel and Joey's potential private moment, Ross' eyes were tracking Phoebe's every movement as she took a magazine from the ancient spread of periodicals on the formica coffee table in front of them.

Rachel and Joey exchanged a surprised glance before walking out of the waiting room as fast as they could, Emma in tow.

~*~*~

On the pretext of getting a magazine, Ross moved down to sit next to Phoebe. With one eye he examined a six-year old copy of "People". The other eye never wandered from the tall blonde beside him.

"Stop it." Her barked command invited no rebuttals.

"I'm not doing anything." He cringed when he heard his whiney tone and altered his approach slightly. "Are we going to talk about it?"

Her eyes, still hidden behind black shades, never left the magazine she was holding. "It never happened. So that would be…um…no."

"Put down the damn magazine and look at me."

"Can you stop bothering me? I'm trying to catch up on my reading!"

Ross craned his neck to view the cover of her magazine. "Phoebe – it's 'Field And Stream'!"

"So? I'm learning all about –" she glanced at the page in front of her "-bow hunting! I might need to know about this in case I'm ever…stranded in the wilderness and have to kill a mountain goat to survive."

"You'd just boil some grass and make soup from it." He slumped down in his chair, deflected by her resistance.

She tossed the magazine back on the coffee table. "All right. Let's talk about it." She huffed a sigh. "I'm willing to do anything to make this go away."

"I don't want it to go away," he answered, unable to conceal his disappointment in her answer. "I want it to come back again."

"This is not happening." Phoebe got up and walked toward the tiny room across the hall filled with vending machines. Ross followed at her heels.

"Give me one reason why something shouldn't happen with us," Ross challenged her.

"I'll give you three." She pushed quarters into the soda machine as she spoke. "One, Mike. Two, Rachel. Three, Emma." Her soda can arrived with a loud rumble and a bang. "Your turn."

"I have two reasons why it should happen." He watched her open her soda and take a slow drink, pulsating with lust over her every gesture. "One, Ross. Two, Phoebe."

"You're such a hypocrite." She shook her head at him, contempt flooding her.

"Me? Hypocrite? What the hell does that mean?"

"Joey really loves Rachel – I mean really, 'once-in-a-lifetime' type of loves her – and you pee your pants like a little girl every time the two of them look at each other. But you, you're allowed to rattle my cage even though I'm seeing someone else, and Rachel is my best friend." She turned to leave and he stepped ahead, intercepting her at the door of the vending room.

"I don't want to 'rattle your cage'. This is more than that."

"Yeah. Well, news flash: I'm not going to be your next 'on a break' girl."

"I'm not on a break. Charlie and I are…broke."

"Whatever. The point is, you're on the rebound from both Charlie and Rachel."

"Which has nothing to do with us –"

"Which has everything to do with us." She pushed her sunglasses back from her sleepless eyes. "You split up with Carol and we tried to take the pool table for a test drive. You and Rachel went on a break, and you get it on with Chloe the Copy Queen."

"Does this have a point? Or are you just reminding me of my failed relationships?"

"The point is this - you can't use me to get over your breakup. I won't be Chloe Version 2."

He backed away, stung by her accusation. "Do you really believe – after everything we've seen each other through – that I could just…just use you like a total stranger?"

She shrugged, staring at her Diet Coke. "All I know is if you did use me, I'd lose something very precious."

His dark eyes fixed on her like a homeless puppy seeking shelter. "What, Pheebs? What would you lose?"

She answered with a shaky breath and a voice filled with emotion. "I'd lose the person I trust most in the world. The one who gave me a bike – who forgave me for mugging him – who –"

Whatever she was about to say was lost forever as Ross silenced her with a kiss, which she enthusiastically returned.

"Mike never came home last night," she gasped the words as he reached around her to close the door to the vending room.

"Mike who?" His kisses intensified as he backed her up against the candy machine. She wrapped her arms around him, dropping her drink on the floor. Ross pulled away from her and looked down at the floor.

"Ugh, there's Diet Coke everywhere!" He grimaced.

"Can you stop being a girl long enough to make out with me?" She grabbed the front of his sweatshirt roughly and pulled him closer, making him forget the existence of sugar free beverages.

~*~*~

The solarium at the end of the hall was dark and dreary, as the late autumn rains offered no light. Rachel seated herself on the cold linoleum floor, holding Emma in a standing position. Emma flexed her knees up and down vigorously as she wrapped her tiny hands around her mother's fingers.

"She's gearing up to walk soon, I just know it." Rachel stole a searching glance at Joey, hoping that talk of Emma could break the silence that had reined between them during their walk from the waiting room.

"What's with Ross? Why did he let me go with you? He acted like he didn't care."

"No idea," Rachel answered. "But if this is his new attitude, our lives just got much easier. We still have to be careful, though. Until he calls his lawyer off, anyway."

He crossed his arms over his chest and watched Emma to avoid Rachel's eyes. "I won't see her again, if it's going to cause trouble for us."

There was no need to identify the 'her' in question. "Wow." Rachel raised her eyebrows in amazement. "There's no games with you, is there?"

"Should there be?"

"No, no…it's just…different."

"What do you want me to do about Lydia?" He sat down on the floor beside her. "I can find someone else to do the project for me…if my working with her makes you feel bad, I won't do it."

"Well…what do you think you should do?" Rachel adjusted Emma's sweater slowly, feeling more anxiety about his answer than she cared to show.

"I think I should listen to the woman I love." He planted a quick kiss on her cheek. "Which happens to be you."

Guilt and jealousy battled inside Rachel as she watched her daughter exercise. He gave up a movie role for you, the guilty side said. The least you could do is to let him have this.

He was crazy about Lydia, the jealous side argued. They bonded over the birth of her baby. This is too risky.

Unwillingly she looked over at Joey. He was watching her like she was the proverbial other shoe that might drop. But for all that, his brown eyes still held incomparable love and devotion whenever she was in his sight. Her heart melted; she couldn't deny him this.

"Let Lydia do the project." She closed her eyes, trying to void out the raging insecurity that Lydia's appearance had wrought. "If I can't trust you…then I can't trust anyone."

"There's nothing between Lydia and me." He spoke slowly, finding his words as he went along. "I mean…we hadn't seen each other in years. She's just a friend who can help me while I help her."

"Help her how?"

"Jessica's dad left her –"

"Jessica?"

"Yeah, Jessica is her daughter, the one she had the day Ben was born. Her dad took off and doesn't help Lydia out at all. She really needs the money…" He was clearly uneasy with this conversation, Rachel observed. "She needs some help. I can help her."

"I guess…I guess you should do what you can for them." If this is the right thing to do, she asked herself, why do I feel like I have so much to lose?

"Well, it's just that…I feel sort of responsible for them, you know? Because I was the only person there when Jessica was born…it makes me kind of like her Godfather or something."

"I can understand that," she answered carefully. "But they haven't been in your life for eight years…"

"I'm not going to risk what we have over this. If you say you don't want me to do it, I won't. But there's nothing going on but friends helping friends."

"And that's all there is to it?" She locked on to his gaze, seeking an answer to set her worries to rest.

"I swear." He held his hands up. "You know there's no one else for me but you."

She gave him an affirmative answer that required no words.

~*~*~

Ross and Phoebe were studiously involved in reading when Rachel, Joey, and Emma walked back to the waiting room.

"Eww!" Rachel stopped at the door to the vending room, lifting her foot to examine the bottom of her sneaker.

"What is it?" Joey knelt down to examine the source of her disgust.

"There's - like – sticky brown goo all over the floor!" She wrinkled her nose and scraped her foot on the linoleum.

Ross hid his face in an aged copy of Cosmo with Cindy Crawford on the cover as Rachel and Joey entered the room.

"Ross, can you take her for a while? I'm worn out." Rachel handed her daughter to Ross before taking a seat beside Joey. "Did Chandler bring an update while we were gone?"

"Oh my God – Chandler!" Phoebe turned to Ross, panicked.

"Woah – woah – woah," Joey burst out. "What do you mean, 'Oh my God Chandler'?" He mimicked Phoebe's high-pitched tone perfectly. "Did something happen to Monica?"

"What Phoebe means is," Ross cleared his throat nervously, stalling for time. "What she was trying to say is, she and I went looking for Chandler, and we didn't find him…"

"Yes, yes!" Phoebe intoned, nodding emphatically.

"And that means, if he – he came here to tell us something really important about my sister –" his eyes darted guiltily to Phoebe, who hung her head, "- he would have seen that we were all gone and –"

"He wouldn't have known why," Phoebe finished, wordlessly telegraphing her distress to Ross.

Rachel and Joey exchanged a baffled glance. "Ok…you two might want to figure out why you did that," Rachel said as Joey made a disdainful sound in the background, "while I go to the nurse's station and ask if there's any word on Monica."

"No need," Chandler's voice proceeded him into the room. "They're done with her. She can go home."

Everyone stood up, a chorus of questions filling the air.

"It was just implantation bleeding." Chandler's shoulders sagged with relief. "They did an ultra sound and an amnio…the baby's fine."

Joey smacked his forehead. "Implantation bleeding! Why didn't I think of that? It's when the embryo attaches itself to the uterine wall, resulting in a small amount of maternal bleeding."

Dead quiet hit the room as four pairs of shocked eyes stared at Joey.

"What?" He looked around at all of them. "I read it in one of Rachel's pregnancy books."

"Did you know that?" Ross demanded, turning to Rachel.

"Sort of," she replied weakly. "He kinda…read them for me."

"How did you learn anything, if he did the reading for you?" Phoebe asked.

Rachel shrugged and answered in a small voice. "Summaries for each chapter."

"Let me get this straight – you read her pregnancy books for her, and gave her summaries of each chapter?"

"That's what we just said, Ross." Rachel was getting defensive.

"How could you do that?" Ross's face was incredulous as he tried to picture what had taken place.

"How do you think I got through high school?" She took Emma from him and picked up her purse. "Can we see Monica now?"

"Sure, follow me. They're getting her paperwork ready to go." Chandler led the way to Monica's examining room.

"God, that was close," Ross whispered to Phoebe as they walked a short distance behind the others.

"Good thing the universe gave them both lots of pretty and not much smart," Phoebe chortled.

~*~*~

Rachel carefully arranged pillows behind Monica's head on the couch as Phoebe placed a blanket over her. Joey had carried Monica upstairs while Chandler parked the Porsche in the garage. Ross was on the phone ordering pizza delivery.

"Really, you guys, I'm fine," Monica protested. "I don't need to be fussed over."

"We want to fuss over you," Phoebe answered.

"The doctor ordered complete bed rest, and that's what you're going to have," Rachel insisted. "I don't want your feet to hit the ground for the next two weeks."

"I'm going to get you some water." Phoebe headed for the fridge, brushing against Ross as she walked by him and causing him to drop the phone.

"Ross, be careful," Monica called to him. "That phone isn't under warrantee anymore." She pulled Rachel down to sit on the edge of the couch. "I need to talk to you." She looked at Joey, who was sitting in the big chair. "You might as well be in on this, too." He moved to sit on the floor beside the couch.

"I need help," Monica began, speaking to Rachel. "And you're the only person who can do it."

"Anything. Just name it."

"I need for you to move in with us for a few weeks." Rachel was too surprised to answer. "Just hear me out," Monica continued. "I don't want to stay in bed for the next few weeks, but I have to. That means I'm going to need an extra pair of hands and feet around here." Monica smiled as she spoke. "I trust you. I feel comfortable with you. You're the only one who can do this for me."

Rachel nodded, considering.

"I know you had other plans…but…this is for Emma's cousin." Monica turned to Joey for backup. "Help me out here. If she moves in with us, you can see her whenever you want."

"Do it, Rach. Monica needs you. The baby needs you!"

"How can I say no?" Rachel hugged Monica. "I'll talk to Ross right now."

Phoebe walked over and handed Monica a bottle of water. "Drink up," she commanded.

Rachel took Ross by the hand and pulled him into the spare room, closing the door behind them just as Chandler was opening the front door.

"Look who I found wandering around in the cold." Chandler pulled someone in from the hallway. "Mon, can we keep him?"

Mike followed Chandler inside, grinning sheepishly.

"Mike!" Phoebe glanced at the spare room door nervously.

"I really missed you last night." Mike reached out to take Phoebe's hand. "Can we go outside and talk for a minute?"

Phoebe scowled back at him, but didn't let go of his hand. "I don't know what you could say to fix what happened last night."

"Can I at least try?" He gave her a winning smile. She nodded and followed him into the hall.

Ross and Rachel emerged from the spare room with Emma. "We've reached a decision," Ross announced.

"She's going to stay?" Monica asked hopefully.

Rachel's face lit up with a glowing smile. "I'm going to stay."

Monica jumped off the couch in her excitement.

"Sit back down!" Ross yelled.

Monica complied. "I can't get use to this resting stuff."

"Here's the plan." Rachel sat back down on the couch with Monica. "I'm going to get just enough stuff from Ross' place to make it through the next two weeks. Emma will stay here half the time and with Ross half the time."

"She can sleep in the bassinet," Chandler added.

"And in two weeks, if you're back on my feet, I'll…make other arrangements." Rachel placed significant emphasis on her words. Monica smiled knowingly. "If not, I'll stick around until you don't need me anymore."

"I've got to go run an errand." Chandler walked toward the door.

"What are you up to?" Monica called after him.

"You'll see," he said mysteriously, opening the door. Phoebe and Mike entered, hand in hand, as Chandler left.

"Aw, you guys worked it out!" Rachel ran to hug them both.

"Yeah, we kinda did," Phoebe beamed at Mike.

No one noticed when Ross let himself out onto the balcony, preferring the cold drizzle outside to the sight of Phoebe and Mike back together.

~*~*~

Rachel looked down at her makeshift bed with a satisfied smile. Chandler's mysterious errand had been a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond to purchase an Aero bed for Rachel and a set of comfortable, if not luxurious, bedding to go with it. The bassinet was stationed nearby, and Rachel felt as if she'd fallen into unexpected good fortune. She had escaped from the tomb known as Ross' apartment.

With a quick check on the sleeping Emma, Rachel stepped out into the living room. Chandler had gone to sleep sitting up in the chair. Monica was propped up on pillows, absorbed in one of Rachel's pregnancy books. The sun was beginning to set behind the endless skyscrapers of the city, filling the room with a soft rose colored light.

Rachel took a garbage bag out from under the sink and began cleaning up. She gathered the empty pizza boxes, soda cans and water bottles that littered the room, her mind drifting over the events of the day. Phoebe and Mike, blissfully reunited, had fed each other pizza like two teenagers. A strangely subdued Ross had devoted himself to his sister, disinterested in whether or not Rachel and Joey sat together as they ate. Chandler recovered his sense of humor enough to keep them all laughing by making fun of Monica's emergency room doctor.

Things had felt almost normal, Rachel reflected. Like the close knit group of the six of them– no, seven, she thought, adding Emma to the list – no, eight – she quickly added Mike – were a family again.

Phoebe and Mike had left together "to go home", Phoebe had said emphatically. Ross had gone back to his place with a promise to help Rachel move a few things in the morning. Joey had returned to his apartment, exhausted.

He had pulled Rachel aside before leaving and told her that he had to call Lydia and set up another meeting. He had begged her with his eyes to understand. She'd done her best to assent cheerfully.

It's not that I don't trust him, she told herself as she tied the garbage bag shut. It's that I don't trust Lydia.

She opened the door, stepping out into the hall with the garbage bag to take it to the trash chute. A throaty female laugh escaped from Joey's closed door, followed by a child's giggle.

Rachel froze to the spot.

The door opened slowly, Joey's voice reaching her before she actually saw him. "I'm tellin' you, they still suck."

"If they suck, the Knicks are whatever's below sucking," Lydia's voice answered him. She was the first to appear in the hall. Joey followed closely behind, a little girl that looked absurdly like Lydia riding on his shoulders.

"Oh, hi!" Lydia turned on her brilliant smile. "You're Joey's friend from this morning!"

"Yeah," Rachel said with a strange laugh. She took in Lydia's impeccable Seven Jeans, chic leather jacket, flawless makeup and shining hair, contrasting it with her own dingy tracksuit and ponytail that she'd had on since early morning.

"Rach," Joey said excitedly. "This is Jessica." He tilted his head up to look at the little girl who was riding his shoulders. She looked back down at him, enthralled.

The Joey charm works on women of all ages, Rachel noted with a stab of heartache.

"He helped me to get born," Jessica informed Rachel proudly.

"We're just going to go over some stuff for his site," Lydia said quietly. "You know, photos…"

"Come with us," Joey added. "We're going to that arcade burger place."

"I remember it." Where we went the night I found out that I had to leave, she thought.

"Get your coat," Joey insisted. "Hey, bring Emma too!" He smiled as thoughts of Emma and Jessica playing together filled his imagination. "This is going to be great!"

"I – I can't," Rachel said, twisting the garbage bag handle in her hand. "Chandler is worn out…I need to be here with Monica so he can sleep…"

Joey's face fell. "Can't Ross come stay with her?"

Rachel laughed ruefully. "Yeah, because Ross is always the first to volunteer as a babysitter when you and me want to go out."

Lydia immediately seized on Rachel's words, understanding why this other woman behaved so oddly toward her.

"Why don't we have the meeting at my place?" Joey suggested to Lydia. "We can get something delivered…Rachel and Emma can come over…"

"I want to play the arcade games," Jessica pouted.

Rachel summoned all of her trust in Joey to reassure her. He loves me, she told herself with certainty. He doesn't love anyone but me.

"Are you kidding?" She smiled them. "Go! Go to the arcade, have a great time! We'll work out something and all get together soon."

Joey stood still, hesitating, longing with every ounce of his being for Rachel to be at his side.

"Go!" She waved them away. "I'm just going to throw this down the chute – you better not be here when I get back!"

She walked down the hall, hearing Lydia's persuasive tone countering Joey's hesitation.

He has to have his own life, Rachel reasoned as she opened the chute. I can't demand that he waste every opportunity that comes his way until we can be together.

The shoved the garbage into the chute, wondering why she felt as if the most important thing in her life was going down with it.

~*~*~

You can build a mansion

That you just can't live in

You're the fastest runner

But you're not allowed to win

Some break the rules

And live to count the cost

The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her

And she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her

And she wants you

No one, no one,

No one ever is to blame

~*~*~

"Ready to go?" Ross stuck his head in the door of the room Rachel and Emma shared in his apartment. It was Sunday morning and he was going to help Rachel carry her things across the street to Monica's.

"Almost." Rachel double-checked the two bags on her bed. One contained clothes for herself and Emma. The smaller bag contained some of her maternity clothes that she'd decided to give to Monica. "I'm gonna call Phoebe and ask her if she wants to bring some of her maternity stuff over for Monica. It'll be like a mini-shower." She picked up the phone extension beside her bed and began dialing Phoebe's number. "Monica will love it."

"Do you have to drag Phoebe into this?" Ross whined.

"What is with you?"

"Nothing…but you know, Phoebe's clothes are weird. Monica won't like them."

"I can't believe you're talking about Phoebe like that." Rachel ignored him and finished dialing the number.

"Great," Ross mumbled under his breath as he carried Rachel's bags to the door. "I hope Mike comes too!" he shouted to Rachel.

~*~*~

"I love this!" Monica held up a dark gray designer maternity dress from Rachel. "I think this is going to fit really soon."

"Ooh! Open mine next!" Phoebe passed Monica a Christmas gift bag spilling over with clothing.

Monica reached inside and pulled out the first item she put her hand on. "Oh, Pheebs…" Monica held up a pair of maternity panties that had seen better days. "I think I may want to get my own underwear…"

"Ok, me next!" Rachel pushed her bag forward.

Monica plowed through the bag. "I want to get something from the bottom," she explained. "I think I found something…" She removed an exquisitely cut black dress. "Now this is something to wear for a night on the town." She held it up for Chandler, who let out an admiring whistle.

Rachel instantly recognized the dress. "That – " she cleared her throat "- that's the dress I wore on my date with Joey."

"Sweetie, you should keep this." Monica passed the dress back to Rachel. "This is too special to give away."

Rachel held the soft fabric in her hands, lost in a memory too beautiful and painful to share.

Mike burst in the front door, saving the moment from unbearable awkwardness. "Muffins for everyone!"

"I'll try to remove Ross from the balcony." Chandler stood up and stretched.

"What is doing out there?" Monica asked Rachel.

"I don't know – he said something about taking up bird watching."

Everyone failed to observe Phoebe's guilt-stricken face as she watched Ross out on the balcony, freezing and alone.

Mike came by with a tray of muffins to pass out to everyone before taking a seat beside Phoebe. Chandler dragged Ross in from the balcony.

"Spot any birds?" Monica asked her brother as he took a seat beside Rachel and Emma.

"Yeah, the yellow crested…something," he ended lamely, casting a hangdog glance at Phoebe and Mike as they shared a muffin.

Rachel wasn't interested in the muffins. She held the dress up to her cheek just once before putting down again.

Joey's voice echoed in from the hallway. Rachel sat, listening closely. Joey's deep laughter was followed by the increasingly familiar sound of Lydia's sarcastic reply and Jessica's giggle.

Don't bring her in here, Rachel thought, hoping that Joey had ESP.

Joey flung the door open, letting Lydia and Jessica in first. "Look what we got!" He held up a bag from Best Buy.

"An eight year old daughter?" Chandler quipped before catching sight of Rachel's tormented face and regretting it.

"A digital camera for Lydia!" Joey opened the box like a little boy on Christmas morning. "She can take – what's the word?" He paused, questioning Lydia.

"Candids," she supplied.

"Candids of me for all the fans to see on my site." He could barely contain his excitement. "How cool is this?"

"So cool," Rachel replied icily.

Joey's happiness over the camera was instantly dashed. He quietly joined the rest of the group, sitting on the floor in front of the TV. Lydia perched herself beside him and Jessica clamored onto his lap.

And here we are. Rachel looked around at the whole lot of them. Monica and Chandler with their baby on the way; Phoebe and Mike with their budding romance; Joey with this woman who seemed to view him as the father her child never had; and herself, with Ross…again.

Ross, who hasn't so much as looked at me in twenty-four hours but won't let me go. She followed his gaze straight to Phoebe and Mike.

He wants us to have what they have, she guessed to herself.

Excusing herself, Rachel took the black dress to the spare room and laid it carefully on her bed. She heard footsteps behind her and the door closing. She didn't have to turn around to know it was Joey.

"That's the dress you wore…"

"You remembered." She turned around and saw him – the Joey she had grown to care about so much. Too much, she told herself.

"Like I could ever forget." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, struggling to put his thoughts into words. "She's not you…"

"Lydia?"

"Every minute that I'm with her, all I can think about is how it should be you with me, and Emma…"

"But I can't be. Not yet." She sat down on the bed, suddenly drained. "There's no reason why you shouldn't be friends with her and help her out." She heard defeat in her own voice as she said the words out loud. "I think she's been waiting to find you again."

"That's crazy talk." He sat down next to her, placing his hand on her knee.

"No…I see something there." Rachel exhaled sadly. "She's been building you up to Jessica all these years as a father figure."

"Even if that's true – and I'm not saying it is – she's not you. There's nothing else wrong with her…but there doesn't have to be. I can't love anyone but you."

A quick rap on the door was followed by Lydia's appearance. "Joe, we gotta leave now if we're going to make the next train to Queens."

His eyes burned into Rachel's. She knew that he was torn between wanting to be with her out of love and needing to go with Lydia out of obligation.

"What are you guys doing in Queens?" She was surprised at how normal and polite she could make herself sound.

"We're both going to have lunch at our mother's…" Lydia's tone was urgent. "You coming?"

"He's coming," Rachel stood up. "Have a wonderful time." Joey stood up as well, the anguish of a million heartbreaks reaching out of his eyes as he looked back at Rachel.

She walked them to the door, hearing everyone's pleasant chatter in the background like muzac in an elevator.

"How about brunch uptown?" Mike was asking Phoebe.

"You got yourself a date," Phoebe answered, trying not to look at Ross.

Rachel stood by the window, looking down at the fire escape. Mechanically, she said goodbye to Phoebe and Mike as they left for brunch. Ross' hand on her shoulder brought her out of her stupor.

"Want to go for some lunch? Chandler said he'd watch Emma and give us a little down time."

Rachel could see Monica asleep on the couch and Chandler lost in the Sunday paper. Ross' morose face struck her as exceptionally sad and in need of a friend.

"Why not?" she answered.

Ross helped her into her coat and they waved a silent goodbye to Chandler before heading out.

"How about Paul's Café?" Ross asked. "They have a terrific Sunday brunch, and it's such a nice place – great atmosphere."

Rachel bit her bottom lip too hard, fighting something she refused to let herself feel. "Yeah, I've been there."

~*~*~

You can see the summit

But you can't reach it

It's the last piece of the puzzle

But you just can't make it fit

Doctor says you're cured

But you still feel the pain

Aspirations in the clouds

But your hopes go down the drain

And you want her

And she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her

And she wants you

No one, no one

No one ever is to blame

~*~*~

A/N: To Be Continued!