~Circles~
Ryan stood staring at the closed door for a few minutes, partly because he hoped she would come back out, but mostly because he couldn't make his feet move. His mind was frantically trying to make sense of the entire evening and failing, flipping through images, going around in circles that kept ending up with him here, staring at Marissa's door. He took a deep breath and forced himself to move, slowly back up the way he'd come down so quickly before, trying to catch her before she went in the house. He'd sat on the steps waiting for her to come home, hoping he'd be able to talk to her, but the look on her face when she saw him had stopped him cold. "You're too late", she'd said, and then she turned and went in the house before he could speak.
He reached the pool house and went in, flipping on a light as he went by. The soft gold glow illuminated the bed, the covers still in disarray where he and Gabrielle had been going at it when Marissa opened the door. He felt sick and regret twisted in his chest as he thought of the look on her face when she'd seen him. The hurt in her eyes, God, he'd never wanted to be the cause of that. Ever. He'd wanted to be the one to always make her happy, to be good to her. He looked around and knew he couldn't stay here tonight. This room had been like a comfort zone for him, the place where his new life was beginning. Living here had meant that he was cared about, and things would be different and good. Now it felt like the scene of a double murder, only lacking the yellow crime scene tape, and he couldn't get out the door fast enough.
He slumped into one of the poolside lounge chairs, ignoring the cold cushion against his back. How had things come to this? He'd assumed they were back together when he went to Marissa's house to ask her to the party and uh, Luke was there. Draping his arm around her and acting like the anti- Luke toward him. Had he really thanked him for riding with him to the hospital? Whatever. Ryan was sure it was an act. So he'd said something stupid instead of asking her and left for work. He'd been surprised when she showed up there to talk to him. Only to tell him Luke wanted her back and she didn't know what to do. So ok. They weren't back together, but what the hell was she doing asking him to make her decision for her? She knew how he felt about her; there was no question there. It killed him that she even had to think about it. Did she want him or Luke, the arrogant ass that treated her like she was his property, trying to control her every action and thought? The jerk that cheated on her, harassed Seth apparently just for kicks, and tried to start a fight with him every time they were within eye contact? He knew they had a past, but the fact that she was having such a hard time deciding between someone like that and himself made him feel like shit. He was just trash from Chino after all, right? Why would she want him?
So there was Gabrielle, ex-model, cool as hell, totally HOT, and interested in everything he said. And also looking at him with stark desire in her eyes that said she definitely knew he was good enough and wanted to show him why. He knew it was wrong in several ways when she kissed him the first time, but damn, he'd felt like an idiot when he found out Marissa was coming to the party with Luke, and kissing Gabrielle had sure lessened that sting, and didn't that mean she'd chosen Luke? What the hell? During the party, he'd gone out to say hi, figuring it would leave him some shred of dignity to act like her choosing Luke was ok, if that's what made her happy, he was still her friend blah blah, but when he'd actually seen them together, in his house, Marissa smiling sweetly at Luke while he played with her hair, it was too much. They were definitely back together and he could not deal. Not right then.
As he fled from that scene he'd remembered their date, in the pool house, when he'd stood that close to her, she had smiled at him like that, and he had been happy. Truly, gut-wrenchingly happy. His head had been full of the scent of her mixed with chlorine from the pool, and the feel of her shaking under his fingers as he put the towel around her and rubbed her arms trying to get her warm. The intoxicating spell of her eyes, as they laughed and then fell silent, both of them feeling heat of a different kind growing between them. It had felt like a knife cutting into his heart to think that would never happen again. So he'd gone to the pool house, his sanctuary, to listen to music and try to erase the sight of Marissa and Luke from his head. Gabrielle was the furthest thing from his mind when she'd come through the door, but he'd found it easy to lose himself in her when she pushed him onto the bed. Being with her did not make him happy, but it sure as hell made him feel wanted. His attention was completely on the sparks and fire she was lighting in him, and he let the sweet burn take over and instinct rule. And then the door had opened, and they had stared at each other in shock. And exactly why did she look so crushed if she was happy with Luke? Marissa had run off, and he was in hell again. Yeah. This felt normal.
The look on her face, and the tone of her voice down in her driveway before she went in the house, was strange. It was like she was saying more than she'd picked Luke, and whatever that something more was, she was miserable about it. She'd sounded so - lost. He'd wanted to take those five steps across the grass to her, and wrap his arms around her, and while he was thinking that, it had dawned on him what she was saying, and he'd wanted to kill Luke with every fiber of his being. Had seeing him with Gabrielle made her do this? Different emotions had hit him at once - regret, guilt, rage, confusion - making his head spin, but in the end he was just worried about her. So much in her life was going wrong already, she didn't need something else of this magnitude. How much could she take?
He shifted in the chair, and opened his eyes when he heard movement to his left. Seth had turned onto his side in the next lounge chair. Ryan hadn't even heard him come out. He had his lanky frame curled up in a ball, trying to get warm, and Ryan realized how cold it was out here.
"Hey. Seth." he said quietly.
Seth opened one eye and looked at him. "Yeah."
"What are you doing out here, man? Go inside, it's cold."
Seth sat up. "Only if you do. Look, I know something happened, and for uh, whatever reason you needed to sleep outside, I figured I would too, in case you wanted to - talk. Or not - you know what I mean."
Ryan did know, and was grateful. "How did you know something happened?"
"Summer and I - and dude, have I got something to tell you - anyway, we saw Marissa, um, flying through the house and you running after her. Then there was the - you - sitting on the steps that look over her driveway for the next 3 hours, that kinda said "Big Problem" and then next time I looked you were out here. So I came out."
"Thanks". It came out low, but Seth heard it.
"Hey. Comrades." Seth settled back into the chair.
"No sense in us both sitting out here freezing," Ryan decided. He could handle the pool house if Seth was with him. Probably. The sun was about to come up anyway, and he was tired. "Come on."
As he walked in, the cold fell away behind him, allowing him to relax a little. Looking around in the dim light, he still felt uneasy. His head hurt. He avoided the bed, took off his shirt, and kicked back in the recliner.
"Um, Ryan?" Seth was looking from him to the bed, concerned, aware that something was seriously wrong now. Something involving the bed. Ryan loved that bed. Seth loved that chair. He had fallen asleep in it many nights when they'd been up late talking.
"I - uh - you can have the bed."
"You know that chair is my second favorite place to sleep." Seth said very gently. Ryan knew from the tone of his voice that this statement really meant "You know you can talk to me if you need to". Sometimes Ryan needed a push, but Seth never wanted to force the issue.
Ryan got up and walked to the bed, grabbing a blanket and throwing it to Seth. He told himself he was acting like a moron. It was just a bed. He stretched out on the side he and Gabrielle had not been on. Seth curled up in the chair under the blanket, letting out a sigh of contentment. Ryan felt a little better with him there. Maybe he could rest. Before he moved here, he had had no one to talk to about anything. Emotions had been bottled up inside, thoughts swirling in his head, and he could rarely make sense of things. He would just react. He wasn't ready to talk to Seth about what happened tonight, but there was a little peace just knowing that he could. He closed his eyes, and fell down into sleep quickly. He dreamed he was staring at a closed door.
*If you have time, please review. Yay or nay; it's all good. Thanks.
Ryan stood staring at the closed door for a few minutes, partly because he hoped she would come back out, but mostly because he couldn't make his feet move. His mind was frantically trying to make sense of the entire evening and failing, flipping through images, going around in circles that kept ending up with him here, staring at Marissa's door. He took a deep breath and forced himself to move, slowly back up the way he'd come down so quickly before, trying to catch her before she went in the house. He'd sat on the steps waiting for her to come home, hoping he'd be able to talk to her, but the look on her face when she saw him had stopped him cold. "You're too late", she'd said, and then she turned and went in the house before he could speak.
He reached the pool house and went in, flipping on a light as he went by. The soft gold glow illuminated the bed, the covers still in disarray where he and Gabrielle had been going at it when Marissa opened the door. He felt sick and regret twisted in his chest as he thought of the look on her face when she'd seen him. The hurt in her eyes, God, he'd never wanted to be the cause of that. Ever. He'd wanted to be the one to always make her happy, to be good to her. He looked around and knew he couldn't stay here tonight. This room had been like a comfort zone for him, the place where his new life was beginning. Living here had meant that he was cared about, and things would be different and good. Now it felt like the scene of a double murder, only lacking the yellow crime scene tape, and he couldn't get out the door fast enough.
He slumped into one of the poolside lounge chairs, ignoring the cold cushion against his back. How had things come to this? He'd assumed they were back together when he went to Marissa's house to ask her to the party and uh, Luke was there. Draping his arm around her and acting like the anti- Luke toward him. Had he really thanked him for riding with him to the hospital? Whatever. Ryan was sure it was an act. So he'd said something stupid instead of asking her and left for work. He'd been surprised when she showed up there to talk to him. Only to tell him Luke wanted her back and she didn't know what to do. So ok. They weren't back together, but what the hell was she doing asking him to make her decision for her? She knew how he felt about her; there was no question there. It killed him that she even had to think about it. Did she want him or Luke, the arrogant ass that treated her like she was his property, trying to control her every action and thought? The jerk that cheated on her, harassed Seth apparently just for kicks, and tried to start a fight with him every time they were within eye contact? He knew they had a past, but the fact that she was having such a hard time deciding between someone like that and himself made him feel like shit. He was just trash from Chino after all, right? Why would she want him?
So there was Gabrielle, ex-model, cool as hell, totally HOT, and interested in everything he said. And also looking at him with stark desire in her eyes that said she definitely knew he was good enough and wanted to show him why. He knew it was wrong in several ways when she kissed him the first time, but damn, he'd felt like an idiot when he found out Marissa was coming to the party with Luke, and kissing Gabrielle had sure lessened that sting, and didn't that mean she'd chosen Luke? What the hell? During the party, he'd gone out to say hi, figuring it would leave him some shred of dignity to act like her choosing Luke was ok, if that's what made her happy, he was still her friend blah blah, but when he'd actually seen them together, in his house, Marissa smiling sweetly at Luke while he played with her hair, it was too much. They were definitely back together and he could not deal. Not right then.
As he fled from that scene he'd remembered their date, in the pool house, when he'd stood that close to her, she had smiled at him like that, and he had been happy. Truly, gut-wrenchingly happy. His head had been full of the scent of her mixed with chlorine from the pool, and the feel of her shaking under his fingers as he put the towel around her and rubbed her arms trying to get her warm. The intoxicating spell of her eyes, as they laughed and then fell silent, both of them feeling heat of a different kind growing between them. It had felt like a knife cutting into his heart to think that would never happen again. So he'd gone to the pool house, his sanctuary, to listen to music and try to erase the sight of Marissa and Luke from his head. Gabrielle was the furthest thing from his mind when she'd come through the door, but he'd found it easy to lose himself in her when she pushed him onto the bed. Being with her did not make him happy, but it sure as hell made him feel wanted. His attention was completely on the sparks and fire she was lighting in him, and he let the sweet burn take over and instinct rule. And then the door had opened, and they had stared at each other in shock. And exactly why did she look so crushed if she was happy with Luke? Marissa had run off, and he was in hell again. Yeah. This felt normal.
The look on her face, and the tone of her voice down in her driveway before she went in the house, was strange. It was like she was saying more than she'd picked Luke, and whatever that something more was, she was miserable about it. She'd sounded so - lost. He'd wanted to take those five steps across the grass to her, and wrap his arms around her, and while he was thinking that, it had dawned on him what she was saying, and he'd wanted to kill Luke with every fiber of his being. Had seeing him with Gabrielle made her do this? Different emotions had hit him at once - regret, guilt, rage, confusion - making his head spin, but in the end he was just worried about her. So much in her life was going wrong already, she didn't need something else of this magnitude. How much could she take?
He shifted in the chair, and opened his eyes when he heard movement to his left. Seth had turned onto his side in the next lounge chair. Ryan hadn't even heard him come out. He had his lanky frame curled up in a ball, trying to get warm, and Ryan realized how cold it was out here.
"Hey. Seth." he said quietly.
Seth opened one eye and looked at him. "Yeah."
"What are you doing out here, man? Go inside, it's cold."
Seth sat up. "Only if you do. Look, I know something happened, and for uh, whatever reason you needed to sleep outside, I figured I would too, in case you wanted to - talk. Or not - you know what I mean."
Ryan did know, and was grateful. "How did you know something happened?"
"Summer and I - and dude, have I got something to tell you - anyway, we saw Marissa, um, flying through the house and you running after her. Then there was the - you - sitting on the steps that look over her driveway for the next 3 hours, that kinda said "Big Problem" and then next time I looked you were out here. So I came out."
"Thanks". It came out low, but Seth heard it.
"Hey. Comrades." Seth settled back into the chair.
"No sense in us both sitting out here freezing," Ryan decided. He could handle the pool house if Seth was with him. Probably. The sun was about to come up anyway, and he was tired. "Come on."
As he walked in, the cold fell away behind him, allowing him to relax a little. Looking around in the dim light, he still felt uneasy. His head hurt. He avoided the bed, took off his shirt, and kicked back in the recliner.
"Um, Ryan?" Seth was looking from him to the bed, concerned, aware that something was seriously wrong now. Something involving the bed. Ryan loved that bed. Seth loved that chair. He had fallen asleep in it many nights when they'd been up late talking.
"I - uh - you can have the bed."
"You know that chair is my second favorite place to sleep." Seth said very gently. Ryan knew from the tone of his voice that this statement really meant "You know you can talk to me if you need to". Sometimes Ryan needed a push, but Seth never wanted to force the issue.
Ryan got up and walked to the bed, grabbing a blanket and throwing it to Seth. He told himself he was acting like a moron. It was just a bed. He stretched out on the side he and Gabrielle had not been on. Seth curled up in the chair under the blanket, letting out a sigh of contentment. Ryan felt a little better with him there. Maybe he could rest. Before he moved here, he had had no one to talk to about anything. Emotions had been bottled up inside, thoughts swirling in his head, and he could rarely make sense of things. He would just react. He wasn't ready to talk to Seth about what happened tonight, but there was a little peace just knowing that he could. He closed his eyes, and fell down into sleep quickly. He dreamed he was staring at a closed door.
*If you have time, please review. Yay or nay; it's all good. Thanks.
