On occasion, I feel the need to kill Quatre.
Actually, not to kill him, but to seriously maim him, make it so that he can't walk anymore. Cause him pain. Hurt, Quat. Sometimes, I want to throw him down an escalator, so that he can fall and fall and fall and fall, until he hits the bottom, and then he can ride the moving stairs back up so I can do it again and again.
Or maybe, tie a bunji cord nice and tight around his neck and then toss him over a bridge, and then throw boiling water on him.
Hit him in the back of the head, and then toss him in his hot tub for hours and hours until he is lobster man.
Seriously. He embarrasses me and he doesn't even get it.
He gave away my secret. Most everyone already knows...but he gave it away at the party. A public place. It's like making a thanksgiving day parade float that just consists of the words "Duo watches porno..." it would be the same thing, because it would be just as humiliating.
The worst part is...Heero found out.
I felt like screaming and crying and hitting him and kicking Heero in the nuts all at the same time.
This is how it happened...
The party was going well. I think.
Heero and I had parked ourselves over near the snack table. I had a coke, and a slice of pizza, with a couple of bread sticks, right?
Heero was eating nachos (Which I don't understand, because I personally think all that cheese that usually are on nachos is a bit over the top. I mean there is cheese on pizza but not so much. Iccck. I have never been able to eat nachos. Unless they where plan. With a ton of salsa.), and drinking a sprite. Apparently caffeine makes him a little too jumpy.
"I hope your nachos are caffineated." I said, as I warily eyed his nachos. I swear he wanted to drink the cheese on my combat boots. My lovely lovely combat boots. He wanted to drip cheese all over them. Well shows what he knows. If he did that I would make him lick it up.
Like a little cheese dripping dog.
Named Heero.
Who likes Nachos.
"If only it worked like that..." He answers. If only things where like what? Now he talks in riddles. Or in crazy. Perhaps in crazy riddles?
I just knew that he was making me nervous, and I was fidgeting around when I shouldn't have been.
Nervous for my shoes.
And just maybe because I am in love with him.
I was making small talk with our friends, Heero was kind of just sitting there, everyone was laughing and having a great time when suddenly, our darling little Quatre thinks...'Hey...let's play truth or dare...' Truth or dare. More lives have been ruined by playing that game, then any other party game in history.
So he yells what he's thinking of course.
"Hey! Let's play truth or dare..." and he totally looks at me. Not that is such a crime, but he like eyes me out of the crowd of everyone and winks at me.
And all of the sudden I know what he's up to. His little wink was a warning of things to come.
I remember wanting to pull him off to the side, and to tell him...'No Quatre R. Winner, don't do this to me...you are hurting me much more then you are helping me..." but Trowa captured his lovely little wife in his like...big strong arms...and then everyone was playing truth or dare.
Oh Lordy...
And everyone sits in a circle, like you do when you are little and your teachers are trying to get you to calm down.
Quatre is sitting in Trowa's lap, Hilde, Crazy Ass Clown Catherine, and Quatre's friend from theater named Dorothy, and Heero, and even Wufei, are all sitting down.
And suddenly I feel compelled to join them...compelled to go forward and accept my fate, as the loveless, lonely little boy with the freakish purple eyes. Compelled to allow whatever it was Quatre was planning to just happen to me, and let it be over with...I swear, I heard the circle that they sat in whisper to me, "Room for one more, Duo..."
Oh dearest Lordy...
So I sit down, and the game is goin' good, (Wufei has been forced to kiss more people then I think he has ever kissed in his whole life, and I don't ever want to see him kiss Dorothy again, because it was a little harsh on my soul...but besides that...) it's going well.
Then...all of the sudden...Quatre gets this insanely happy look in his eyes, and he kind of nudges Trowa.
I can see them whispering with each other across the little circle. It was Trowa's turn, but since talking isn't really his thing, Quatre goes for him.
"Heero...truth or dare?" I shook my head at him.
Heero, being who he is, not a very out going guy, but a nice guy all the same, decides to humor Quatre.
"Dare...I guess..." He shrugs.
"Dare huh?" Quatre asks, and then makes direct eye contact with me.
I shake my head. I mouth, 'No no no no no no no no no...' Quatre grins. His broad evil rich boy grin. (I had only seen that grin once before, and that was when he were six, and Quatre had me cornered and started to drown me with a super soaker.)
"I then...dare you...to make out with Duo...." I feel my world crashing down around my combat boot covered feet. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone. Dorothy, Wufei, Catherine, Hilde, Trowa...Heero. They all look at me with this judging look, not so much on the fact that I'm bi, but because of Relena and Heero.
Because they are only on a break. Because they might still get together, and everyone else wants that. Because it now comes together for everyone. Dorothy's glare was sharp and hateful, because she is Relena's friend. Maybe she loves her like I love Heero. Maybe she knows how I feel, but is ashamed of me for being so weak, as to try and do something about my feelings for Heero.
God, oh God...
I opened my mouth to speak, but I had no idea of what I could possibly say. I still can't think of anything I could have said then.
I sit there...not talking for the first time in my life. Words have left me during this horrible venerable moment, and I am defenseless. I want to run away, but I'm sitting down. I remember trying to get up, but I can't.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't talk.
I couldn't even defend myself.
I was helpless.
But that's not the worse part. The worst part is...how Heero looks at me with this face, this innocent questioning face.
It felt like his eyes where asking me a billion questions at once, and none of those questions that his eyes asked where ones I wanted to answer.
"Duo...what the fuck?", "Duo...are you gay?", "Duo...what about Relena?", "Duo...we're just friends, don't you get it?", "Duo, how could you ever think I like you..."
At that moment I notice that my face is hot. I was blushing. Heero was looking at me like I was planning this all along.
"No..." is all I can stammer. "Not...me...him...his..."
I had to get out of there. I couldn't even talk. Usually people are begging me to just shut up. Usually people start with the death threats after a while. Usually I can talk and talk about nothing...and then...when I actually needed to talk, when I wanted to use my voice to defend myself, and not just to hear myself talk...I couldn't.
I couldn't even talk.
After what seemed like the longest time I just left. I just got up and left. I wasn't sure how much time had really transpired, but I know that in my heart, in my brain, in what could be my soul, it felt like a long time.
Heero didn't kiss me, and I couldn't even face him.
I walked home alone that night, with my jacket thrown over my shoulder, cursing myself, and Quatre, and Heero. Cursing my slow reaction time, cursing the fact that when I needed to talk the most, that I couldn't. I couldn't just go home to bed either...so I wandered off and sat alone at the park near my house. I sat on the tire swing alone, and just pushed myself around in a circle.
For about an hour.
When I got home I didn't even check what time it was.
I walked into my bathroom, picked up my towel, and kind of cuddled it. It was dry by now, and very stiff and hard, making cuddling hard to do. I felt dirty, and tired. I crawled into the shower, threw my clothes off and sat there for a while. I scrubbed with a lofa, and scrubbed with a wash cloth, and finally just started scrubbing with my hand and the bar of soap...but the horrible feeling of the party seemed to stick to me, no matter what I tried. By the time I got out of the shower my skin was red with scratch marks, and my arms where raw from the scrubbing.
Finally, I pulled on a pair of boxers, and climbed into bed.
By that time I was crying.
God, I hate to cry.
Actually, not to kill him, but to seriously maim him, make it so that he can't walk anymore. Cause him pain. Hurt, Quat. Sometimes, I want to throw him down an escalator, so that he can fall and fall and fall and fall, until he hits the bottom, and then he can ride the moving stairs back up so I can do it again and again.
Or maybe, tie a bunji cord nice and tight around his neck and then toss him over a bridge, and then throw boiling water on him.
Hit him in the back of the head, and then toss him in his hot tub for hours and hours until he is lobster man.
Seriously. He embarrasses me and he doesn't even get it.
He gave away my secret. Most everyone already knows...but he gave it away at the party. A public place. It's like making a thanksgiving day parade float that just consists of the words "Duo watches porno..." it would be the same thing, because it would be just as humiliating.
The worst part is...Heero found out.
I felt like screaming and crying and hitting him and kicking Heero in the nuts all at the same time.
This is how it happened...
The party was going well. I think.
Heero and I had parked ourselves over near the snack table. I had a coke, and a slice of pizza, with a couple of bread sticks, right?
Heero was eating nachos (Which I don't understand, because I personally think all that cheese that usually are on nachos is a bit over the top. I mean there is cheese on pizza but not so much. Iccck. I have never been able to eat nachos. Unless they where plan. With a ton of salsa.), and drinking a sprite. Apparently caffeine makes him a little too jumpy.
"I hope your nachos are caffineated." I said, as I warily eyed his nachos. I swear he wanted to drink the cheese on my combat boots. My lovely lovely combat boots. He wanted to drip cheese all over them. Well shows what he knows. If he did that I would make him lick it up.
Like a little cheese dripping dog.
Named Heero.
Who likes Nachos.
"If only it worked like that..." He answers. If only things where like what? Now he talks in riddles. Or in crazy. Perhaps in crazy riddles?
I just knew that he was making me nervous, and I was fidgeting around when I shouldn't have been.
Nervous for my shoes.
And just maybe because I am in love with him.
I was making small talk with our friends, Heero was kind of just sitting there, everyone was laughing and having a great time when suddenly, our darling little Quatre thinks...'Hey...let's play truth or dare...' Truth or dare. More lives have been ruined by playing that game, then any other party game in history.
So he yells what he's thinking of course.
"Hey! Let's play truth or dare..." and he totally looks at me. Not that is such a crime, but he like eyes me out of the crowd of everyone and winks at me.
And all of the sudden I know what he's up to. His little wink was a warning of things to come.
I remember wanting to pull him off to the side, and to tell him...'No Quatre R. Winner, don't do this to me...you are hurting me much more then you are helping me..." but Trowa captured his lovely little wife in his like...big strong arms...and then everyone was playing truth or dare.
Oh Lordy...
And everyone sits in a circle, like you do when you are little and your teachers are trying to get you to calm down.
Quatre is sitting in Trowa's lap, Hilde, Crazy Ass Clown Catherine, and Quatre's friend from theater named Dorothy, and Heero, and even Wufei, are all sitting down.
And suddenly I feel compelled to join them...compelled to go forward and accept my fate, as the loveless, lonely little boy with the freakish purple eyes. Compelled to allow whatever it was Quatre was planning to just happen to me, and let it be over with...I swear, I heard the circle that they sat in whisper to me, "Room for one more, Duo..."
Oh dearest Lordy...
So I sit down, and the game is goin' good, (Wufei has been forced to kiss more people then I think he has ever kissed in his whole life, and I don't ever want to see him kiss Dorothy again, because it was a little harsh on my soul...but besides that...) it's going well.
Then...all of the sudden...Quatre gets this insanely happy look in his eyes, and he kind of nudges Trowa.
I can see them whispering with each other across the little circle. It was Trowa's turn, but since talking isn't really his thing, Quatre goes for him.
"Heero...truth or dare?" I shook my head at him.
Heero, being who he is, not a very out going guy, but a nice guy all the same, decides to humor Quatre.
"Dare...I guess..." He shrugs.
"Dare huh?" Quatre asks, and then makes direct eye contact with me.
I shake my head. I mouth, 'No no no no no no no no no...' Quatre grins. His broad evil rich boy grin. (I had only seen that grin once before, and that was when he were six, and Quatre had me cornered and started to drown me with a super soaker.)
"I then...dare you...to make out with Duo...." I feel my world crashing down around my combat boot covered feet. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone. Dorothy, Wufei, Catherine, Hilde, Trowa...Heero. They all look at me with this judging look, not so much on the fact that I'm bi, but because of Relena and Heero.
Because they are only on a break. Because they might still get together, and everyone else wants that. Because it now comes together for everyone. Dorothy's glare was sharp and hateful, because she is Relena's friend. Maybe she loves her like I love Heero. Maybe she knows how I feel, but is ashamed of me for being so weak, as to try and do something about my feelings for Heero.
God, oh God...
I opened my mouth to speak, but I had no idea of what I could possibly say. I still can't think of anything I could have said then.
I sit there...not talking for the first time in my life. Words have left me during this horrible venerable moment, and I am defenseless. I want to run away, but I'm sitting down. I remember trying to get up, but I can't.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't talk.
I couldn't even defend myself.
I was helpless.
But that's not the worse part. The worst part is...how Heero looks at me with this face, this innocent questioning face.
It felt like his eyes where asking me a billion questions at once, and none of those questions that his eyes asked where ones I wanted to answer.
"Duo...what the fuck?", "Duo...are you gay?", "Duo...what about Relena?", "Duo...we're just friends, don't you get it?", "Duo, how could you ever think I like you..."
At that moment I notice that my face is hot. I was blushing. Heero was looking at me like I was planning this all along.
"No..." is all I can stammer. "Not...me...him...his..."
I had to get out of there. I couldn't even talk. Usually people are begging me to just shut up. Usually people start with the death threats after a while. Usually I can talk and talk about nothing...and then...when I actually needed to talk, when I wanted to use my voice to defend myself, and not just to hear myself talk...I couldn't.
I couldn't even talk.
After what seemed like the longest time I just left. I just got up and left. I wasn't sure how much time had really transpired, but I know that in my heart, in my brain, in what could be my soul, it felt like a long time.
Heero didn't kiss me, and I couldn't even face him.
I walked home alone that night, with my jacket thrown over my shoulder, cursing myself, and Quatre, and Heero. Cursing my slow reaction time, cursing the fact that when I needed to talk the most, that I couldn't. I couldn't just go home to bed either...so I wandered off and sat alone at the park near my house. I sat on the tire swing alone, and just pushed myself around in a circle.
For about an hour.
When I got home I didn't even check what time it was.
I walked into my bathroom, picked up my towel, and kind of cuddled it. It was dry by now, and very stiff and hard, making cuddling hard to do. I felt dirty, and tired. I crawled into the shower, threw my clothes off and sat there for a while. I scrubbed with a lofa, and scrubbed with a wash cloth, and finally just started scrubbing with my hand and the bar of soap...but the horrible feeling of the party seemed to stick to me, no matter what I tried. By the time I got out of the shower my skin was red with scratch marks, and my arms where raw from the scrubbing.
Finally, I pulled on a pair of boxers, and climbed into bed.
By that time I was crying.
God, I hate to cry.
